Good morning,

Why can’t a man and woman be friends and be in a relationship? – IMO men and women can be friends and in a relationship…When I was married my husband and I were the best of friends. You’ve got to have some level of friendship when in a relationship if not it’s like saying I love you but I don’t like you.

Have you ever been friends with someone for a long time and then became romantically involved? – Nope, not yet. I have 2 male friends that I keep in contact with via the celly, we’ve never been alone and I don’t see it happening anytime in the future, also I know too much dirt on my male friends to ever want a relationship with them.

As far as being honest and

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Morning lovelies,

I absolutely think a couple in a relationship should be friends with each other first. I think that is necessary. But once the relationship ends, so should the friendship, IMO.

The only guy I romantically got involved with after being friends first was my high school sweetheart. And after we broke up, we couldn’t be friends. We had loved too hard.

There is this line from a Judy Blume book I read growing up to the affect of “once you’ve had love, how can you go back to holding hands?” Once you know that persons potential, I don’t think just being pals is in the cards. At least not for me.

And at the end of the day, it’s just easier break the friendship bond after the relationship ends. It’s cleaner, less drama and that’s what I’m going for.

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As for honesty, I always want that over my feelings being spared. If I ask, I want to know. Lies just hurt more in the long run. If you need to soften the blow by sugar coating it, do that, but just make sure it’s the truth.

Much appreciated.

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Good Morning All,

I was watching this Seinfield episode last night and there was a clip of the scene where Jerry and Elaine agree to have sex but didnt want the sex to get in the way of their friendship. So they were establishing rules..like the calling the day after(not a rule) the staying over(not required) funny episode..anywhoo.

I think what happens in the case of the move from friend to lovers is that you feel more obligated. When you were just buddies if you couldnt make an event or didnt want to be bothered you could just say..I am not feeling it tonight I want some alone time. But in this whole “relationship” you feel obligated to not hurt the other person so you go when you don’t want to and fake it..to you make it. That faking the funk so the other person is spared some discomfort can breed some resentment. (been there done that–it is not a happy t-shirt).

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Ared, how long did your relationship with your high school sweetheart last? Do you still keep in touch with him?

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Good Morning All!!!

I want the truth …..even if my feelings get a little bruised. It will only make me, you or us better. I’ve never been one to challeange another about how they feel…..you are entitled to your own feelings just like I am. But, if you say whateva you ay with love, care and the desire to make things better than we are good.

One of my prereq’s is that we have to be friends. What I’ve always known is that the “right” one is not only a friend and a lover, but he also family. (Thats a whole other level)

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Shoot…if Demi ever date a friend seriously…Demi will take that relationship seriously as well. Me don’t do cut buddies with friends…ish never work out….If I enter a relationship with a friend…Imma sail that ship, until the ship sink…and then attempt the tiny life boat!!

But communication is the key regardless…Demi is just typing what he feels at the moment…Hell is the topic about??

Shorty I’m there for you anytime you need me
For real girl, it’s me in your world, believe me
Nuttin make a man feel better than a woman
Queen with a crown that be down for whatever
There are few things that’s forever, my lady
We can make war or make babies
Back when I was nothin
You made a brother feel like he was somethin
That’s why I’m with you to this day boo no frontin
Even when the skies were gray
You would rub me on my back and say “Baby it’ll be okay”
Now that’s real to a brother like me baby
Never ever give my cootie away and keep it tight aight
And I’ma walk these dogs so we can live
In a fat ass crib with thousands of kids
Word life you don’t need a ring to be my wife
Just be there for me and I’ma make sure we
Be livin in the effin lap of luxury
I’m realizing that you didn’t have to funk wit me
But you did, now I’m going all out kid
And I got mad love to give, you my ‘igga

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@ Professor – so noted!

I think secretly, most women want the last d..k they had to be the last d..k they will ever have. lol

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the question i have is…….how do you build attraction thru friendship?

- i hear more women say lets be friend first….ok, then what….you want to be my friend but let the next man tear down those suga walls….i am still puzzled by that…or if you were a former f reak and then you meet me you want to square up

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SUp..

I can BS women dont want a man to be completely honest. Ya’ll want your version of honesty and that is telling us what ya’ll think we need to know or hear. A woman will never tell you the complete truth, hence the saying “I’ll take that one to my grave”.

A dude on the other hand if told you the complete truth it would be over cause how we talk to each other ya’ll couldnt take it. If you ask me about does my butt look big in those jeans and I say yes and thats it. There would be a problem. I would have to say yes but baby they dont look bad because they accenuate your hips or some nonsense like that. You know your butt looks big in those jeans just like I know when I come from the gym and I’ve had a deodorant breakdown. But we still love ya’ll even though your bottom looks a little big in those jeans..

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the question i have is…….how do you build attraction thru friendship?

Rell, I can only speak for myself but for the most part I see the friendship and relationship developing at the same pace. I like a guy that is really trying to get to know me…I am naturally a quite person of a few words, so I hate it when my two words sent via text is misunderstood. However if we are working on the friendship and relationship (you have to multi-task) than we are all good and I will not get the WTF, instead he will know to call me.

Long story short, I think both parties should work on developing both at the same time, which is easy. I forgot to add that I do things for my man that I will do for my friends that is how I know I am creating a balance. Disclosure is key many people hide who they are to their mate, but their friends know the truth…I let my mate in on all components of my life….

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@Rell – It’s been my experience that “friends” have outlasted any potential mates, there are some people that you just want in your life, no matter what…….so to preserve the integrity of the outcome, you keep it free of the drama that sex can bring.

As far as the whole freak vs square thing, y’all love to make good girls go bad. lol But serioulsly, it’s kinda the same thing men do when they have the little woman at home and then the girl that they really like to do.

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There are exceptions to every rule.

If I’m interested in a female then I definitely don’t want to be put in the “friend” category. A friend is someone that she should talk to about me, I don’t want to talk to her about another dude lol.

Also I’ve come to find that alot women see friends as “options”. (break glass in case of emergency) So when I meet someone and they say I have a lot of guy friends, I’m already looking at her like are these just friends or options. So the friend line can have more than one meaning depending on who you are dealing with.

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Do I want no-holds-barred honesty? Not to the extent that the cold, hard truth is purposely hurtful. When someone cares about you, they will do their best to soften the blow that the truth can have sometimes. Yeah, I want the truth, but if you know it’s something that is going to bowl me over, put some cotton on it before you hit me with it, because I do the same.

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(I’ve never used the term let’s be friends first)

Grace…I agree. It’s best to state your intentions in the beginning.

win some lose some

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@ Rell – To me attraction is not built it’s either there or not. You’ve heard the expression, “I don’t know what she see in him” or vice versa, baby go figure……when it’s real, it’s real.

The trick comes in when you can be honest with yourself about how you feel about the person, not matter what outside influences may say.

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Good Morning…

Let’s be real, after the demise of a romantic relationship tryna maintain a friendship with that person can be hard. It is possible, i guess.

Part 2 – A straight man and woman can be friends without one or both trying to jump the other’s bones. Platonic friends are possible until one gets a mate that doesn’t relate/understand that friendship. This is doable if the friends are respectful and supportive of each other’s relationships.

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Auw…i missed breakfast call.

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Demi — Nah, no pancake booty. I have 39″ hips, I’m just not shaped like Buffie.

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Professor…I am just taking my time and enjoy the moment…Who knows,
maybe there’s a 70’s style wedding in my future.

I am trippin…did I just type that ish!?!?

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get out my head wise_diva. i have asked myself this question a bazillion times since i becoming a couple with cali boy.

i think the issue is that there is a different expectation of intimacy with your friends. friends usually accept you for who you are. boyfriends / girlfriends will often REJECT you for who you are. knowing that, i suspect many of us into that bf / gf mode because we fear of being rejected.

and emotional honesty? YES PLEASE. i would rather you tell me that you’re not into me like that than do s**t to try to make me figure it out. can’t STAND when a dude tries to drop hints instead of saying “i want out.”

if you ain’t feeling it, PUH-LEEZE get the eff on so i can find your replacement. just be polite and respectful when you do it. and don’t be mad if i decide that i don’t like yo’ a** very much afterward.

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Rell–women with alot of male friends and limited female friends…are straight up attention w hores….

Couldn’t have said it better myself!

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(Nah, no pancake booty. I have 39″ hips, I’m just not shaped like Buffie.)

Foots…I after speaking with an a$$ expert at work…you have a nice booty…I am sure Melo will be please!!

just teasing

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OMG…I was just speaking with a co-worker (til 6:00) about this same thing…she was asking questions.

Several things:

I think men and women can be friends as long as there’s a line drawn in the sand…if you ain’t tryna take it there. If you don’t mind it going there, then have at it.

IMO – men and women being platonic friends can’t REALLY be platonic so to speak. I think we may interact platonically but enough time together and something will eventually grow underneath. Now that may never be spoken upon (make sense) but IMO, it’s there. As long as folks don’t act upon it, it remains bedded.

Each individual knows the cloth their cut from and if you aren’t the type to back track, make up, smooth it over and remain friends (in the event things don’t pan out), then no I wouldn’t say it can’t be done. If you’re big enough of a person to become friends, move into “more than friends” mode and back to friends (given things didn’t really fly), then yep you can do it. For me, I’m not one for turning the corner, page, chapter while lagging in the past. I’m not sore (forever)over a situation but for me, when it’s done it’s done. No doors cracked, no leaflets folded back (you know how you leave a page folded to remind you where you left off). Just want to move on.

Overall though, I think you need a true friendship before/prior to moving ahead. Even if you met romantically as opposed to “just being friends”, I think time should be taken in building a friendship before moving ahead.

Oh, as far as honesty….I only want it brutally. That’s the way I gave it that’s the way I want it…seriously.

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Three Words Daily – Focus. Focus. Focus.

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I have a gf who will go thru the wilderness for her girlfriends but when it comes to her husband, he gets the shaft. Some people value friendship way more than relationship/marriage, confiding infidelity, and a preganancy and such. A lot of times the spouse/SO are the last to know.

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I don’t mean to sound contradictory….I think men and women can go through the motions of “being friends” but I think it’s awfully hard to avoid feelings coming into play…if an invested amount of time is had between the two. I think if you going to have a relationship, friendship should be the basis/foundation. I think if you’re realistic you would know feelings could very well come into play and you have to be willing to either admit that and strong enough to not act on it or willing to never speak on it, keeping your distance…so to speak….

Guess I could have summed it this way the first time.

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A man and a woman can be friends in a relationship. We need to stop making things harder than they have to be. We really do overthink things sometimes. Lose all preconceptions, insecurities, petty jealousies and second guesses.

Just let it flow, things will be less complicated.

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@ Professor – The question is what does Demi know about the 70s? He still on formula.

@ Demigod – Did you turn 30 yet?

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As far as me being friends.. I’m friends with all my Ex’s except my ex wife. I’m working on her though cause I dont want us to have a terrible relationship while raising our son. We’ll get there though cause Im a persistent charming fool when I wanna be and nobody hates me forever. Well especially for him we have to be cordial.

I always said I would marry my friend and I did. My best friend but it didnt work, so I’m questioning my theory on that one.

I give up.. Wheres that mail order bride catalogue?

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Morning Gang!

I can only speak for myself but for the most part I see the friendship and relationship developing at the same pace. I like a guy that is really trying to get to know me.

Professor, this is my view. And every successful marriage I have ever observed, the parties said they were each others best friend, and all but one developed the friendship & relationship at the same time.

Sister Cee – I also agree with your 9:49 – it’s more practical and realistic. It’s kinda hard to be friends after a break up & hard to maintain a friendship with the opposite sex if your partner is uncomfortable with it. That’s just the way it is most of the time.

I can see it being hard to hook up with a friend if you know all the dirt on this person too. Especially some of the man-ho’s I’ve been friends with. No way. And yes, if you did hook up with this person, it would be hard to have that no-holds-barred honesty with them. Because now sex & ego & tender feelings are involved – things that make both parties vulnerable. Lets just be real about that.

Yes, there is a way to say anything to someone. Tact is appreciated from me whether we are platonic friends, lovers, family, etc. That’s called respect. You don’t have to call me fat. But you can let me know that you’re concerned about my health and well-being. That’s addressing the issue but not putting me down. You have my best interests at heart. If you’re my lover and you are constantly putting down my hair or body or clothes or the way I speak – well now you’re crossing into verbal abuse.

Asking your lover if you look fat in something is just stupid. You already know how you look in it. Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to or can’t handle an honest response to – even if it is delivered lovingly!

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Ared, how long did your relationship with your high school sweetheart last? Do you still keep in touch with him?

Professor – We were were together about 2 years. The whole college transition thing did us in. But we really weren’t all that compatible.

No, I don’t keep in touch with him. I don’t stay friends with exes. I just haven’t figured out a way to do so. But I don’t think I want to either.

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@Demi – “No it does not mean that Imma do me and you gone do you” It means that A man/woman does not need outside inflences to validate what they see in each other.

I’m glad you’ve found that…………

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I think time should be taken in building a friendship before moving ahead.

Many living things can grow in two directions at the same time — up and out. Watch a growing plant from week to week, it spreads and gets taller at the same time. I feel that way about developing a friendship within a relationship. If the relationship is a growing, living thing, it is possible that the friendship can grow at the same time.

In the relationships I’ve had where the friendship didn’t grow at the same time due to specific personality differences, the relationship didn’t grow past a certain point either. And in other cases, when the relationship didn’t grow at the same time due to differences in what we wanted, the friendship couldn’t remain for us. It’s funny how that worked out for me.

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Demi a 70’s wedding would be so cool. I want a very small and intimate wedding next time round. Nothing fancy, the reception will be the wing dinger though

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Raqi/Kimmie – Nodding head in agreement.

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If your man is being himself and honest with everyone but you, that’s a huge problem!

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Pretty Wings I agree. I am not sure why people think you have to be friends 1st and you have to put things in place like runners winning a race 1-2-3. IMO when you are dealing with life, passion and all things related to relationships put it all on the table and multi task. Guess what in the “real world” or at least in my world things are not always in order. So I feel you can become friends and lovers at the same time.

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I agree with Raqi when our friend now lover says something like you sure have a big head..it was funny and cute when you were friends now in the relationship you have a big head becomes “How can you say I have a big head, I thought you loved me?” or another example ” You sure spending alot of money.” This comment from a friend may be innocent enough..but from a mate “It comes over as “Damn everytime I see you you got a bag in your hand..you spending money like the shyt grow on trees” The relationship dynamics have change therefore the preception of the situation/comment has changed.

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or if you were a former f reak and then you meet me you want to square up

Rell – I have a friend whose ex-boyfriend had a problem with this. They had grown up in the same neighborhood and were friends. He always had a crush on her, but she never really saw him that way until much later. They both went away to college and she even married, had a child & got divorced before they met back up with each other. She had had a somewhat promiscuous past by the time they got together. Had a history of looking for love in all the wrong places & thinking sex was the end all/be all and would make a dude stay, which it did not. When she hooked up with “friend”, she had grown and did not want to do things the same as before. He kept throwing in her face how she “did this & that with other dudes, why not him too?” She tried to explain she was a different person now & did not want to conduct her life like “Superhead” anymore. She was still a freak at heart and would gladly swing from the chandeliers again for someone committed to her. But she felt she needed to guard her heart & her body before she let go completely to someone she was just dating. She just didn’t want to live that way anymore. Friend just came along at the “wrong” time, I guess!

That’s why it can be difficult to turn a platonic friendship into a relationship – you know all the dirt. Please Rell this is my opinion and experience of one of my friends I am sharing. Not trying to offer you any ADVICE, so don’t go off!

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and that was my submission for today’s long post award..lol

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Amazon — I’d have to drop about 40 pounds to be a size 2 again. Either that, or grow another 4 inches or so. For me, both options are just about impossible. LOL!

I have some beautiful size 2 pants that I haven’t worn since my first year of college, when the Freshman 15 put me at 114 pounds. They fit like support hose. I don’t know why I can’t give them up yet…

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Grace…I just wanna put on a Afro wig, bellbottoms and platform shoes to boost my height…bey is going for that foxy brown look…She likes BIG GUNS…it’s going to be quick and to the point…guest can pot luck…our money is going to be spend on the honeymoon!!

Mawwwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

I bring out the kid in her and she bring out the man in me…

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Awwwwwwww…Dayum, W8!!

You know, Awwwwwwww…Dayum has, Awwwwwwww…Dayumin ADDs!!!

by Awwwwwwww…Dayum

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We all like compliments and reassurance. Especially when we are feeling a little off.

Raqi – I agree, this is true. I was kinda feeling this way last week. I just like to get the compliments voluntarily. I don’t want to have to ask for them. In the relationship I am in, he does not give them out often. But when he does I know they are sincere.

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Pretty Wings – Met someone so special that they can only be a friend. Stop. Thats a cop out. Whats wrong with him? Is he ugly? Is he too big for your Liking? Come on..

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I am not sure if I want my mate to be my best friend. I guess I think of friend as totally different than mate. Again I think in terms of obligation. I mean if I commit to marry a dude then (in my best southern drawl) We’s Kin NoW! all bets are off. You get the Funky and the Fab..cause well I look at marriage as the only time you get to choose your kin folks..all others you get by birth. So all that you are my best friend stuff escapes me in terms of marriage.

This however is the opinion of one who has no desire to get married and add new kin folks.

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@demi: oh honey, i do not need that affirmation. i meant that if a man wants out, he needs to say it. if i ask you what is wrong, telling me “nothing” is not the same as telling me “i think we should break up.” otherwise, i will just assume his little man-angst has nothing to do with me and he’ll get over it eventually.

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Rell, that was my crazy self.

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Sexy Cool – I think you are marvelous.. Simply smashing.. How bout those compliments..

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