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We Can’t Be Friends?

If you have ever started out as friends then started a romantic relationship, sometimes a funny thing happens. Honesty has no place in the new relationship. At least, not the same honesty that existed in the friendship. The dynamics of a love relationship can transform the way individuals relate and communicate with one another.

Why do you think that is? Why can’t a man and woman be friends and be in a relationship? Are there some complicated rules and expectations in relationships that don’t work in a friendship?

Have you ever been friends with someone for a long time and then became romantically involved? Did the “full disclosure” that you had as friends leave when you became a couple?

What about emotional honesty?  Why do women say they want their man to be honest about their emotions, then get upset when they say something that hurts their feelings? Are we sure we want all that honesty?

606 comments Add your comment

Grace

July 22nd, 2009
8:41 am

Good morning,

Why can’t a man and woman be friends and be in a relationship? – IMO men and women can be friends and in a relationship…When I was married my husband and I were the best of friends. You’ve got to have some level of friendship when in a relationship if not it’s like saying I love you but I don’t like you.

Have you ever been friends with someone for a long time and then became romantically involved? – Nope, not yet. I have 2 male friends that I keep in contact with via the celly, we’ve never been alone and I don’t see it happening anytime in the future, also I know too much dirt on my male friends to ever want a relationship with them.

As far as being honest and

Grace

July 22nd, 2009
8:42 am

cross out that last statement….I was moving too darn fast :lol:

AmazonRed™ - rock star

July 22nd, 2009
8:50 am

Morning lovelies,

I absolutely think a couple in a relationship should be friends with each other first. I think that is necessary. But once the relationship ends, so should the friendship, IMO.

The only guy I romantically got involved with after being friends first was my high school sweetheart. And after we broke up, we couldn’t be friends. We had loved too hard.

There is this line from a Judy Blume book I read growing up to the affect of “once you’ve had love, how can you go back to holding hands?” Once you know that persons potential, I don’t think just being pals is in the cards. At least not for me.

And at the end of the day, it’s just easier break the friendship bond after the relationship ends. It’s cleaner, less drama and that’s what I’m going for.

Grace

July 22nd, 2009
8:51 am

As far as being honest and emotional…I can’t deal with that. I mean will you tell me my butt looks big in those jeans and then apologize profusely when I give you the evil eye? :evil:

AmazonRed™ - rock star

July 22nd, 2009
8:52 am

As for honesty, I always want that over my feelings being spared. If I ask, I want to know. Lies just hurt more in the long run. If you need to soften the blow by sugar coating it, do that, but just make sure it’s the truth.

Much appreciated.

Grace

July 22nd, 2009
8:56 am

IMO I don’t think we want to hear the truth…we’d take a lie and believe it than hearing the truth and accepting it – Jack N. imfamous line – U can’t handle the truth!

Kym-still riding the Birthday wave

July 22nd, 2009
9:03 am

Good Morning All,

I was watching this Seinfield episode last night and there was a clip of the scene where Jerry and Elaine agree to have sex but didnt want the sex to get in the way of their friendship. So they were establishing rules..like the calling the day after(not a rule) the staying over(not required) funny episode..anywhoo.

I think what happens in the case of the move from friend to lovers is that you feel more obligated. When you were just buddies if you couldnt make an event or didnt want to be bothered you could just say..I am not feeling it tonight I want some alone time. But in this whole “relationship” you feel obligated to not hurt the other person so you go when you don’t want to and fake it..to you make it. That faking the funk so the other person is spared some discomfort can breed some resentment. (been there done that–it is not a happy t-shirt).

Professor (today is wonderful)

July 22nd, 2009
9:05 am

Have you ever been friends with someone for a long time and then became romantically involved?

Yes…I think I shared this story a while back so I will spare you all a re-run.

Why can’t a man and woman be friends and be in a relationship?

I want and need the friendship in the relationship. I don’t consider myself to have had many relationships, but I will say the healthiest relationship I was in we was friends and that made all the difference in the world. I think the friendship carried us during the valley of the relationship.

Are we sure we want all that honesty? You are doggone right, I want the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

@Ared I love the line from Judy Blume, very fitting.

Professor (today is wonderful)

July 22nd, 2009
9:06 am

Ared, how long did your relationship with your high school sweetheart last? Do you still keep in touch with him?

QC

July 22nd, 2009
9:07 am

Morning Bloggers! I’m friends with 2 Men from my past…so it can be done if you “allow it” Have a great day everyone :)

http://www.blackthen.com

Pretty Wings

July 22nd, 2009
9:08 am

Good Morning All!!!

I want the truth …..even if my feelings get a little bruised. It will only make me, you or us better. I’ve never been one to challeange another about how they feel…..you are entitled to your own feelings just like I am. But, if you say whateva you ay with love, care and the desire to make things better than we are good.

One of my prereq’s is that we have to be friends. What I’ve always known is that the “right” one is not only a friend and a lover, but he also family. (Thats a whole other level)

Professor (today is wonderful)

July 22nd, 2009
9:13 am

I failed to add my disclaimer in this whole discussion. I have never been the one for casual relationships or casual sex, so I value having a complete relationship and friendship is apart of that package.

Demi

July 22nd, 2009
9:16 am

Shoot…if Demi ever date a friend seriously…Demi will take that relationship seriously as well. Me don’t do cut buddies with friends…ish never work out….If I enter a relationship with a friend…Imma sail that ship, until the ship sink…and then attempt the tiny life boat!!

But communication is the key regardless…Demi is just typing what he feels at the moment…Hell is the topic about??

Shorty I’m there for you anytime you need me
For real girl, it’s me in your world, believe me
Nuttin make a man feel better than a woman
Queen with a crown that be down for whatever
There are few things that’s forever, my lady
We can make war or make babies
Back when I was nothin
You made a brother feel like he was somethin
That’s why I’m with you to this day boo no frontin
Even when the skies were gray
You would rub me on my back and say “Baby it’ll be okay”
Now that’s real to a brother like me baby
Never ever give my cootie away and keep it tight aight
And I’ma walk these dogs so we can live
In a fat ass crib with thousands of kids
Word life you don’t need a ring to be my wife
Just be there for me and I’ma make sure we
Be livin in the effin lap of luxury
I’m realizing that you didn’t have to funk wit me
But you did, now I’m going all out kid
And I got mad love to give, you my ‘igga

Professor (today is wonderful)

July 22nd, 2009
9:18 am

Demi you got me rockin’ to that song. Ohh that used to be my jam!

***There are few things that’s forever, my lady
We can make war or make babies***

Pretty Wings

July 22nd, 2009
9:20 am

@ Professor – so noted!

I think secretly, most women want the last d..k they had to be the last d..k they will ever have. lol

Demi

July 22nd, 2009
9:21 am

Kym…I gotta let you know this…now climbing on blog crate…Happy late as hellz 25 birf’day Boo!!!

Kim is now drop kick Demi off blog crate

Kim: SUCKA!!

Rell - the smartest man cant outwit the dumbest women

July 22nd, 2009
9:23 am

the question i have is…….how do you build attraction thru friendship?

- i hear more women say lets be friend first….ok, then what….you want to be my friend but let the next man tear down those suga walls….i am still puzzled by that…or if you were a former f reak and then you meet me you want to square up

Foots

July 22nd, 2009
9:24 am

I genuinely like my significant other as a person. We laugh and joke about just about everything, sometimes until we are in tears. We have the most fun when we go in a store, so much that we irritate the people around us who don’t understand our public interaction. But I can say that we were not friends first in the sense that I’d known him for a while then we started dating. That’s never been a requirement of mine (i.e., we must be friends for 180 days before I can see you in a romantic light). Anyone I’m interested in for more than friendship, I know fairly soon. Once I see him that way, being “just friends” doesn’t interest me.

I will say, though, that we certainly do not have the same type of friendship that I have with my two male “just friends”. I’ve known them longer, one I’ve known for 13 years, the other, 8 years. There’s no pressure involved, no threat of breakup there. So I don’t expect it to be the same…and it’s best for me that it isn’t.

THE INFAMOUS DK

July 22nd, 2009
9:27 am

SUp..

I can BS women dont want a man to be completely honest. Ya’ll want your version of honesty and that is telling us what ya’ll think we need to know or hear. A woman will never tell you the complete truth, hence the saying “I’ll take that one to my grave”.

A dude on the other hand if told you the complete truth it would be over cause how we talk to each other ya’ll couldnt take it. If you ask me about does my butt look big in those jeans and I say yes and thats it. There would be a problem. I would have to say yes but baby they dont look bad because they accenuate your hips or some nonsense like that. You know your butt looks big in those jeans just like I know when I come from the gym and I’ve had a deodorant breakdown. But we still love ya’ll even though your bottom looks a little big in those jeans..

Foots

July 22nd, 2009
9:32 am

I like jeans that make my butt look big. Can y’all share with me where a sister can get a pair like that? LOL

Professor (today is wonderful)

July 22nd, 2009
9:33 am

the question i have is…….how do you build attraction thru friendship?

Rell, I can only speak for myself but for the most part I see the friendship and relationship developing at the same pace. I like a guy that is really trying to get to know me…I am naturally a quite person of a few words, so I hate it when my two words sent via text is misunderstood. However if we are working on the friendship and relationship (you have to multi-task) than we are all good and I will not get the WTF, instead he will know to call me.

Long story short, I think both parties should work on developing both at the same time, which is easy. I forgot to add that I do things for my man that I will do for my friends that is how I know I am creating a balance. Disclosure is key many people hide who they are to their mate, but their friends know the truth…I let my mate in on all components of my life….

Professor (today is wonderful)

July 22nd, 2009
9:36 am

Pretty wings all I can say is yep on that 9:20

Pretty Wings

July 22nd, 2009
9:38 am

@Rell – It’s been my experience that “friends” have outlasted any potential mates, there are some people that you just want in your life, no matter what…….so to preserve the integrity of the outcome, you keep it free of the drama that sex can bring.

As far as the whole freak vs square thing, y’all love to make good girls go bad. lol But serioulsly, it’s kinda the same thing men do when they have the little woman at home and then the girl that they really like to do.

Demi

July 22nd, 2009
9:40 am

Professor…Boooooooy, it has a new meaning now…LOL

Mike Jones (who)

July 22nd, 2009
9:40 am

There are exceptions to every rule.

If I’m interested in a female then I definitely don’t want to be put in the “friend” category. A friend is someone that she should talk to about me, I don’t want to talk to her about another dude lol.

Also I’ve come to find that alot women see friends as “options”. (break glass in case of emergency) So when I meet someone and they say I have a lot of guy friends, I’m already looking at her like are these just friends or options. So the friend line can have more than one meaning depending on who you are dealing with.

Grace

July 22nd, 2009
9:41 am

Rell – I’ve never used the term let’s be friends first, the way I think, I will keep the guy in the friendship zone and will not get a chance to move from there.

I would have to say yes but baby they dont look bad because they accenuate your hips -Infamous – good boy :wink:

Foots

July 22nd, 2009
9:41 am

Do I want no-holds-barred honesty? Not to the extent that the cold, hard truth is purposely hurtful. When someone cares about you, they will do their best to soften the blow that the truth can have sometimes. Yeah, I want the truth, but if you know it’s something that is going to bowl me over, put some cotton on it before you hit me with it, because I do the same.

Demi

July 22nd, 2009
9:43 am

Foots…Aha!! Foots aka pancake booty…Where is Sean J when you need him??

Demi

July 22nd, 2009
9:46 am

(I’ve never used the term let’s be friends first)

Grace…I agree. It’s best to state your intentions in the beginning.

win some lose some

Mike Jones (who)

July 22nd, 2009
9:47 am

As far as the truth goes, most women don’t want to hear the truth.

Do these jeans make my butt look big… “No your butt makes those jeans look big”
Is she prettier than me…Survey says yes

I think you can tell someone the truth but its all about how you say it. No one wants to hear the bold blantant truth but if you have a way with words then you can say anything.

Pretty Wings

July 22nd, 2009
9:47 am

@ Rell – To me attraction is not built it’s either there or not. You’ve heard the expression, “I don’t know what she see in him” or vice versa, baby go figure……when it’s real, it’s real.

The trick comes in when you can be honest with yourself about how you feel about the person, not matter what outside influences may say.

Rell - the smartest man cant outwit the dumbest women

July 22nd, 2009
9:49 am

@MJ…women with alot of male friends and limited female friends…are straight up attention w hores….

@Prof/Grace….i have meet alot of women that want to use up my time and all my knowledge of fun stuff to do…i hear “i like our friendship, why mess it up with a relationship”….or “i like to go at my own pace, stop forcing it”….but then turn around and say lets go grab drinks today…or what are you doing this weekend….NOT YOU LAME!!!…lol….

Cemeeli

July 22nd, 2009
9:49 am

Good Morning…

Let’s be real, after the demise of a romantic relationship tryna maintain a friendship with that person can be hard. It is possible, i guess.

Part 2 – A straight man and woman can be friends without one or both trying to jump the other’s bones. Platonic friends are possible until one gets a mate that doesn’t relate/understand that friendship. This is doable if the friends are respectful and supportive of each other’s relationships.

Professor (today is wonderful)

July 22nd, 2009
9:49 am

Demi I am happy that you found love! So I you are taking the leap, huh? Good for you! Now I need to find someone and take the leap with…

I am with Grace I don’t say friends first I date smart men I really feel you can form both at the same time if both parties are honest.

For me I know if I am forming a friendship/relationship with how I communicate and disclose. I was seeing someone and I found myself sharing with him some issues that was on my plate at the time…I knew I was focused on him when I found myself sharing information and the stuff I shared I would normally tell my friends, but the key is I was developing a friendship/relationship with him.

Cemeeli

July 22nd, 2009
9:50 am

Auw…i missed breakfast call.

Demi

July 22nd, 2009
9:50 am

(The trick comes in when you can be honest with yourself about how you feel about the person, not matter what outside influences may say.)

In ignorant speak:

Imma do me and you do you…BISH!!

Foots

July 22nd, 2009
9:53 am

Demi — Nah, no pancake booty. I have 39″ hips, I’m just not shaped like Buffie.

Grace

July 22nd, 2009
9:54 am

Tell em Rell :lol: :lol: :lol:

Demi

July 22nd, 2009
9:56 am

Professor…I am just taking my time and enjoy the moment…Who knows,
maybe there’s a 70’s style wedding in my future.

I am trippin…did I just type that ish!?!?

Rell - the smartest man cant outwit the dumbest women

July 22nd, 2009
9:57 am

I have 39″ hips

- NOW WHY DO I NEED THAT IMAGE IN MY HEAD THIS MORNING…geeh thanks ms new booty…..some of use are not spreading 39 inch hips at the moment..so the mere mention of hips…size…conjures up images that i dont need at 10am….lol….

anonymousella

July 22nd, 2009
9:57 am

get out my head wise_diva. i have asked myself this question a bazillion times since i becoming a couple with cali boy.

i think the issue is that there is a different expectation of intimacy with your friends. friends usually accept you for who you are. boyfriends / girlfriends will often REJECT you for who you are. knowing that, i suspect many of us into that bf / gf mode because we fear of being rejected.

and emotional honesty? YES PLEASE. i would rather you tell me that you’re not into me like that than do s**t to try to make me figure it out. can’t STAND when a dude tries to drop hints instead of saying “i want out.”

if you ain’t feeling it, PUH-LEEZE get the eff on so i can find your replacement. just be polite and respectful when you do it. and don’t be mad if i decide that i don’t like yo’ a** very much afterward.

Cemeeli

July 22nd, 2009
9:57 am

@ Foots – Squats! lol…

Mike Jones (who)

July 22nd, 2009
9:58 am

Rell–women with alot of male friends and limited female friends…are straight up attention w hores….

Couldn’t have said it better myself!

Cemeeli

July 22nd, 2009
9:59 am

Demison Auh, wedding bells?

Demi

July 22nd, 2009
10:00 am

(Nah, no pancake booty. I have 39″ hips, I’m just not shaped like Buffie.)

Foots…I after speaking with an a$$ expert at work…you have a nice booty…I am sure Melo will be please!!

just teasing

Professor (today is wonderful)

July 22nd, 2009
10:01 am

Rell I don’t play it like that if I am getting at you I don’t put you in a friendship box and I don’t do all of that pacing and timing either. I feel like if we are both free let’s work on getting to know each other in all capacities…

lurker

July 22nd, 2009
10:01 am

OMG…I was just speaking with a co-worker (til 6:00) about this same thing…she was asking questions.

Several things:

I think men and women can be friends as long as there’s a line drawn in the sand…if you ain’t tryna take it there. If you don’t mind it going there, then have at it.

IMO – men and women being platonic friends can’t REALLY be platonic so to speak. I think we may interact platonically but enough time together and something will eventually grow underneath. Now that may never be spoken upon (make sense) but IMO, it’s there. As long as folks don’t act upon it, it remains bedded.

Each individual knows the cloth their cut from and if you aren’t the type to back track, make up, smooth it over and remain friends (in the event things don’t pan out), then no I wouldn’t say it can’t be done. If you’re big enough of a person to become friends, move into “more than friends” mode and back to friends (given things didn’t really fly), then yep you can do it. For me, I’m not one for turning the corner, page, chapter while lagging in the past. I’m not sore (forever)over a situation but for me, when it’s done it’s done. No doors cracked, no leaflets folded back (you know how you leave a page folded to remind you where you left off). Just want to move on.

Overall though, I think you need a true friendship before/prior to moving ahead. Even if you met romantically as opposed to “just being friends”, I think time should be taken in building a friendship before moving ahead.

Oh, as far as honesty….I only want it brutally. That’s the way I gave it that’s the way I want it…seriously.

Professor (today is wonderful)

July 22nd, 2009
10:02 am

Ohhhh Demi Demi 70s style wedding that is what’s up!!!

SexyCool - Giving up is way harder than trying.

July 22nd, 2009
10:02 am

Three Words Daily – Focus. Focus. Focus.

SexyCool - Giving up is way harder than trying.

July 22nd, 2009
10:03 am

Rell – If a smart man can’t outwit a dumb woman, then he highly overestimates his own level of intelligence.