No Chemistry, No Chance
One of the random things about dating is finding out who we actually are drawn to vs who we aren’t. I know many of us have had people who are interested in us, yet we don’t have the same attraction to them. Is it a cruel twist of fate? Does it mean we are always drawn to the wrong people at the wrong time?
I have met guys who from one standpoint (um, my mother’s) should be ideal matches for me. Yet, when I am with them it’s zero chemistry. Zilch, nada, not even a mini-spark. Now, this begs the question: if we convince ourselves that we need chemistry to be drawn to a person, why is chemistry so inexplicable?
Do you think that you have no chance at a relationship when the chemistry is not there? Do you have a definition for romantic chemistry? Have you experienced it firsthand?
What happens when you miscalculate the chemistry? When the chemistry is gone, do you follow it out the door?
Happy Monday!
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520 comments Add your comment
THE INFAMOUS DK
July 20th, 2009
8:27 am
Bling bloow wow..
THE INFAMOUS DK
July 20th, 2009
8:31 am
Chemistry makes it easier to talk to the person.. It gets rid of the awkward moments.. Everything just falls into place. Chemistry to me is a part of and falls under the Connection umbrella ella ella A..
Demi
July 20th, 2009
9:02 am
Having the right chemistry, causes you to walk around like this here:
Feels like
You’re mine
Feels right
So fine
I’m yours
You’re mine
Like paradise
Oooh what a life
Oooh what a life
Oooh what a life
Oooh what a life
I wanna share my life
Wanna share my life with you
Wanna share my life
Demi is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off base, but these lyrics are the closes I came to saying how I feel…With the right chemistry…There is no telling where the path will leads.
Grace
July 20th, 2009
9:09 am
Good Monday morning…If there’s no chemistry…..there’s not attraction….you’ve got nothing to stand on. No need to even move forward.
When the chemistry is gone, do you follow it out the door? Yes…if the chemistry doesn’t mature to an emotional connection then forget it. An emotional connection is what ties all that good stuff together.
Rell - looking for lady dujour
July 20th, 2009
9:15 am
This is why you dont know everything about the capabilities of your mate…this is why you NEVER give up on someone even when it looks bleak…good for this women and her family!!!!
http://www.ajc.com/health/chaunda-walker-90804.html?cxntlid=sldr
on topic…chemistry is good for that intial rush of emotions(lustful) and over all like DK said comfort…but its time that will show you if you are truly a match….folks change to much for you to stake yes this is my match within just a couple of years….emotional maturity is the key!
Professor (sort of sleepy)
July 20th, 2009
9:24 am
Good Morning All:
As for chemistry, I do believe in it, but I don’t believe chemistry is everything. I believe in all of the units and components that make chemistry. These components must be of substance and value if the relationship is going to blossom. Simply put, in a tired, worn out from the weekend Monday if your chemistry is based off of strong elements you have a winner, and if it is based off of lust, deceit, games etc. you have chemistry but it will not withstand.
Professor (sort of sleepy)
July 20th, 2009
9:27 am
Rell thanks for sharing very inspiring story…I agree with you!
Demi
July 20th, 2009
9:45 am
These components must be of substance and value if the relationship is going to blossom.
I wanna be the one who you believe
In your heart is sent from (sent from heaven)
There’s a piece of me who leaves when you gone
Because you’re sent from (sent from heaven)
I wanna be the one who you believe
In your heart is sent from (sent from heaven)
There’s a piece of me who leaves when you gone
Because you’re sent from (sent from heaven)
I don’t even like this singer, LOL
Demi
July 20th, 2009
9:48 am
Rell…all I can say is WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW…Baby turned into a Sista Fine-fine!!!
SexyCool - He gives me pause.
July 20th, 2009
9:51 am
Three Words Daily – Follow your bliss.
SexyCool - He gives me pause.
July 20th, 2009
9:51 am
Demi – Head nod. You know why.
W8©
July 20th, 2009
9:52 am
I think there are two parts to the chemistry of attraction, mental and physical. One can over shadow the other but in reality there needs to be a balance IMO. You can have the most attractive woman “on paper” meaning her stats check out well, she’s doing it. Great job, don’t need a man, somewhat decent on the eyes(all physical)..but you two just do not connect on that mental level.
Physical chemistry can mask the lack of mental chemistry in new relationships..if that mental stimulation is not there it will soon start to show. No matter how good the physical chemistry is (I’m not talking about sex)I am talking about the fun nights outs, the laughter the looks etc..once you start to realize that your chemistry is not on a mental level you then realize that you have miscalculated the chemistry…and yes ma’am I follow it right on out the door.
Demi
July 20th, 2009
9:52 am
After a 4 months lay off…Demi is now rehitting the gym…I blew up to a hundred and eighty pounds at 10 or 13 percent body fat…now I am a buck eighty at 22 percent body fat…I need to get busy!!!
SexyCool - He gives me pause.
July 20th, 2009
9:55 am
In the past, I have tried ‘mercy’ dating – dating dudes that I would not ordinarily be attracted to and felt no chemistry with. I no longer bother.
It goes in line with my belief that life is too short to do things you really don’t wanna do. Plus, I know that I don’t have to settle for anything less than I deserve in any area of life..
So, no chemistry, no chance.
Rell - looking for lady dujour
July 20th, 2009
9:55 am
@w8..nice breakdown…here is another school of thought…sometimes as men we are so married to an outcome that we invent chemistry so we can see that womens O face….lol….or sometimes we dont trully care about chemistry..thats a womens thinking…as men we are hunters…all we want is the kill by any means…..biggest thing for me with any women is basically how she fits with me….for the loong haul..does she believe in self improvment or is she settled in her ways…etc etc etc..to me thats chemistry
SexyCool - He gives me pause.
July 20th, 2009
10:00 am
Rell – “Does she believe in self improvment or is she settled in her ways?”
As you know this is HUGE with me.
Demi
July 20th, 2009
10:02 am
SexyCool…
Because I’m bad, I’m bad – come on
(Bad bad – really, really bad)
You know I’m bad, I’m bad – come on, you know
(Bad bad – really, really bad)
Woo! Woo! Woo!
Woo! Woo! Woo!
Who’s bad?
SexyCool is now hitting a Demi in the head with her curling iron…in an attempt to bring the kneegro back to earth
W8©
July 20th, 2009
10:06 am
@Rell..I think you are so on point with your 9:55, This weekend I had a conversation that led to an epiphany of sorts. And you just hit my mindset dead on…and I realized the error of my ways. I have been so focused on the outcome of finding a wife that I have been inventing chemistry that was not there in potentials, even though I do have a strenuous process I would still force some other things that I should not have or have to. I am not going to recreate myself for a woman nor should she have to for me. If we mesh we mesh if we dont we dont..simple as that.
Foul play..used to be Jazzyone
July 20th, 2009
10:07 am
Chemestry is important there has to be a spark for me. The thing is a spark can be a variety if things, not just the way a man looks, but his character, his personality, his mind. His relationships with others. So for me a spark can be as non-traditional as your typical OH Em Gee he’s so fine. Thats maturity in my zone…
kimmie-perfect queen & martial arts expert!
July 20th, 2009
10:07 am
Morning Good Blog People! Hope everyone had a nice weekend! I know the weather was perfect – not too hot!
On topic – Chemistry, the mental, not just the physical is SO important! Yeah, like W8 said, a person could look real good on paper, but things just not work out chemistry-wise. Yes, you definitely need an emotional connection. In my opinion, it does not take long for that emotional connection to reveal itself if it is there.
You CANNOT force chemistry. Either you have it or you don’t. You can be physically attracted and have the upmost respect for a person and have a lot in common with them. But if it’s not there, it’s not there. I’ve had people to come down on me for dismissing “good men”. “That’s why you still single, won’t give these good men a chance!” – people would tell me. Yes, a lot of times they were great, just not for me. One or both of us recognized the chemistry was not there. You want so bad for it to be and you date and date, but it just does not happen! So it’s easy to be on the outside looking in. I can tell you it is absolutely miserable to be in that situation though – great person but no chemistry, the person has not done anything bad, but they just don’t do it for you.
Foul play..used to be Jazzyone
July 20th, 2009
10:08 am
Chemistry I meant.
abc
July 20th, 2009
10:08 am
Chemistry again.
They call it ‘chemistry’ for a reason. People are attracted to each other due to chemical reactions that result in increased levels of dopamine and seratonin in the brain. Nobody knows exactly what those chemical reactions are, but some scientific research continues.
One study had women going through a group of men’s sweaty tshirts, choosing their favorite by smell. In every case, the man chosen contained genetic characteristics that the female lacked as far as what would most benefit offspring. That’s an example of the ‘why’. We just don’t know exactly ‘how’.
Chemistry, then, is a mechanism through which people are attracted to each other for purposes of producing optimal offspring. Pretty much nuts and bolts, isn’t it? The effect of increased levels of dopamine tends to subside within 3-6 years, giving rise to the infamous ‘7 Year Itch’. Your mileage may vary.
W8©
July 20th, 2009
10:10 am
“Does she believe in self improvment or is she settled in her ways?”
I dont know why but this reminds me of my friends voice mail:
“Hello, I am unavailable to take your call please leave a message. Be advised there have been some changes to the program and if you do not receive a call back you might be one of those changes…see you at the top”
Foul play..used to be Jazzyone
July 20th, 2009
10:11 am
Dopamine or whatever you wanna call it boo and I don’t doubt that view..My man is on his way over here to cut my grass and take care of my landscaping..now thats some chemistry sparks for your azz, see very simple…….LMOAFF
SexyCool - He gives me pause.
July 20th, 2009
10:12 am
I will add this – That despite my reluctantly, but honestly admitted tendencies to be kinda shallow when it comes to physical appearances/attraction, I have met some truly cool people.
Didn’t change the chemistry any, but getting to know them as friends added to my life.
It can be awkward to shift the focus of a person who’s more attracted to you than you are to them from romance to friendship. And sometimes, you find that the effort to make that shift is just more trouble than it’s worth.
Foul play..used to be Jazzyone
July 20th, 2009
10:12 am
Enter your comments here
Rell - looking for lady dujour
July 20th, 2009
10:14 am
I am not going to recreate myself for a woman nor should she have to for me. If we mesh we mesh if we dont we dont..simple as that.
- thats my mindset….and thats prolly why i dont pick up real quick with women….i REFUSE to dumb down or act a certain way to be with any women…been there don that…i find that we as men miss alot of signs….because we are to busy “george bushing the button”….
i had a convo yesterday with a interest of mine….she said most men dont have to do a bunch to sleep with a women…if they just sat back and let it happen instead of trying to change the women or control the situation they would get it sooner rather than later…MESSAGE…now raise your hand if you guilty of “trying to force it”…mine raise high as hell
Leggs
July 20th, 2009
10:16 am
Good morning everyone.
Chemistry is vital. The physical as well as the mental. As W8 stated, when the “mental” part is not evenly yoked, the “physical” tends to lose it’s gloss over time. To attempt to create chemistry where there isn’t any is taxing on a person. It’s extremely hard to move forward w/o chemistry. Chemistry is the blood that surges through a relationship helping it to sustain longevity.
kimmie-perfect queen & martial arts expert!
July 20th, 2009
10:16 am
It can be awkward to shift the focus of a person who’s more attracted to you than you are to them from romance to friendship. And sometimes, you find that the effort to make that shift is just more trouble than it’s worth.
SCool – I so agree. I’ve had folks tell me I’m being mean because I don’t entertain such things anymore. Well that’s another area I’ve grown as a person – I don’t care anymore what most folks think! They like him, let them date him!
Tazzee - in need of some beach time
July 20th, 2009
10:17 am
Good Morning good people.
Do you think that you have no chance at a relationship when the chemistry is not there? Nope, I tried and it just didn’t work. When we went on dates it was very forced and I didn’t look forward to being with him when we were apart.
Do you have a definition for romantic chemistry? Have you experienced it firsthand? Can’t define it, but I have experienced it firsthand. It’s a lovely thang.
What happens when you miscalculate the chemistry? When the chemistry is gone, do you follow it out the door? There’s never been a time when I miscalculated the chemistry. In the past when the chemistry left, it was because of something one of us did – which eventually led to the demise of a relationship. For instance a liar can kill chemistry real quick. But I’ve never had an instance where all was well and the chemistry just disappeared.
Professor (sort of sleepy)
July 20th, 2009
10:18 am
Do you have a definition for romantic chemistry? Have you experienced it firsthand?
I think I gave my definition of chemistry earlier, and I will say that I have experienced firsthand. I have experienced chemistry that was a combination of substance and principles, principles that I believe in and it went a long ways. On the other hand I have experienced chemistry, which was a combination of false pretensions, which did not last. Like anything else you really have to analyze that chemistry to see what you are truly working with.
Foul play..used to be Jazzyone
July 20th, 2009
10:26 am
“That despite my reluctantly, but honestly admitted tendencies to be kinda shallow when it comes to physical appearances/attraction,”
I don’t think that this is shallow at all. There are so many things that many of us look for that create a spark or said Chemistry. I can appreciate a nice looking man, hell it can make the juices flow and such, make you want to get to know a person easy on the eyes is a deffinite attribute that I can appreciate.. We are visual creatures no denying that!
Leggs
July 20th, 2009
10:28 am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIR TRUTH. Hope you haven’t melted out there. I know it’s hard to get a drink there, so here’s a Heinken and a shot of Jack for you!
SexyCool - He gives me pause.
July 20th, 2009
10:30 am
w8/Rell – “I am not going to recreate myself for a woman nor should she have to for me.”
Been there. Done that. Learned better.
Now, I’m comfortable enough in my own skin to be who I am. I’ve posted the sentiment before that if you keep doing what you’re doing and being who you are, everything that’s not supposed to be in your life will filter itself out – most often with little effort and often, no upsets to your rhythm.
kimmie-perfect queen & martial arts expert!
July 20th, 2009
10:30 am
Jazzy/SCool – I agree, just cause you’re not lining up to get with somebody that needs a paper bag over their head, folks want to call you shallow. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyway. People might be sick of hearing it, but it bears repeating.
I think everyone has SOMETHING about them someone can find attractive.
Demi
July 20th, 2009
10:33 am
Jazzyone…Be sure to have that tall glass of ice tea ready…once he is done, LOL
my love, do you ever dream of
Candy coated raindrops?
You’re the same, my candy rain
My love
Did you ever dream that it could be so right
I never thought that I would find
All that I need in life
All I want, all I need now I know
I know I found it in you
I found it in you
’cause you are
SexyCool - He gives me pause.
July 20th, 2009
10:33 am
FoulPlay – Standing ovation for the 1026a. Yes, a nice looking man can get the juices flowing.
And don’t forget good smelling, good tasting, good……..er, um. Let me not get caught up on Monday morning.
W8©
July 20th, 2009
10:34 am
“Can’t tell you nothing you ain’t already heard
No matter what I say it’s nothing but words”
Foul play..used to be Jazzyone
July 20th, 2009
10:37 am
Demi, I will have a tall glass of “something” but it sure won’t be iced tea baybeh…LOL
Melo
July 20th, 2009
10:37 am
Do you think that you have no chance at a relationship when the chemistry is not there? Do you have a definition for romantic chemistry? Have you experienced it firsthand?
Im inclined to think that what most regard as chemistry is bound to wear off as time goes on.In that case then,there is proly flimsy chemistry and substantive chemistry.
Otherwise how do u explain chics/dudes being enamored with a certain kind of person but as they grow older or desperrate or both,a person that used to appear ugly or unattracrtive,suddenly comes into play??
Im inclined to agree with Jazzy(if i understood her point).
From a mature female or male standpoint,u tend to gravitate towards that person whose human attributes(not physical) u admire and like.Once u give that person a chance,u let the chemistry develop.
Physical attraction(geography?? hahaha) is what attracts most pple to others,not chemistry.Most are bound to ignore the person’s flaws becoz of that geography aspect(he so phine,she so cute,blah blah,blah) and we tend to gloss over the skin deep human characteristics.Thats the immature call in most.
So chemistry seems to be more skin deep,subtle and very difficult to define.
Daneen
July 20th, 2009
10:40 am
Hi!
SexyCool - He gives me pause.
July 20th, 2009
10:45 am
I am going to digress a bit here and express a bit of frustration at a girlfriend who is disparaging this dude (who is being really good to her) because he has a slight stomach when she is damn near 30 pounds overweight her damn self.
How you gone talk about somebody’s physical conditioning when yo’ @ss can’t even spell treadmill?
Sheesh…
kimmie-perfect queen & martial arts expert!
July 20th, 2009
10:49 am
Melo – Have you ever met someone & they were ALL THAT and you dated, but just didn’t feel anything? When I say ALL THAT, I’m not talking just physical superficial stuff. I’m talking character and substance. How long should it take for the “chemistry to develop”? I guess that’s the biggest question I take from this topic. I mean we all should be mature enough to know that superficial stuff fizzles in about a minute if there is no substance there.
Yes, chemistry is hard to define, but when it’s not there it is obvious. Those on the outside can even see it & feel it. I’ve seen too many folks get “desperate” and marry folks just cause they are “nice”, only to see down the road that nice ain’t enough. They don’t have that mental connection, that bond that will hold them together when all that superficial stuff loses it’s luster. You just can’t force it.
For a superficial example, it’s like a movie. I’ve heard people talk about how certain actors & actresses have CHEMISTRY together on screen. Yeah, there may be some pairs that LOOK GOOD together, but they don’t play off each other well and that translates on the big screen. You can’t put your finger on it, but something is just OFF.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
July 20th, 2009
10:49 am
Morning Ya’ll! Hope err’body had a great weekend.
IF I had to define romantic chemistry: appeal to ALL of my senses. JMHO
A relationship with no chemistry is a no-go. You are basically settling if you do that, forcing something that isnt there. Co-signing Tazzee’s 10:17 on that.
Side note: dayum I forget how much I love Nerds candy!
W8©
July 20th, 2009
10:50 am
@SC- lol I had to start back exercising hard last week. I was going through photos and saw myself at a pool party last summer..then I went to the bathroom stood in front of the mirror took my shirt off and that was self motivation enough…lol
kimmie-perfect queen & martial arts expert!
July 20th, 2009
10:52 am
SCool – She’s just not attracted to him and the whole stomach thing is an excuse. You see big folk with skinny folk everyday. She might be big, but she likes em skinny. Some folk are chubby chasers. You like what you like.
Cemeeli
July 20th, 2009
10:56 am
morning…
Chemistry (authentic chemistry) is how i relate on levels that can’t be reached, or appreciated with simple “friendly banter”…
Chemistry, or i should say the wrong type of chemistry can lead one to the wrong idea. False posturing for that “electric chemistry” thinking that it’s the “glue” that keeps the relationship solid, happens to the best of use. One should continually pray and observe what level of “chemistry” they are signing up for, OR if it’s truly chemistry at all.
i'm swiss (aka Buckshot Prior)
July 20th, 2009
10:58 am
LMAO @ “Your mileage may vary.”
SexyCool - He gives me pause.
July 20th, 2009
10:59 am
Kimmie – If that were the case, she wouldn’t be taking his money, letting him take her shopping and on weekend trips and sleeping with him.
Cemeeli
July 20th, 2009
11:01 am
Im inclined to think that what most regard as chemistry is bound to wear off as time goes on.In that case then,there is proly flimsy chemistry and substantive chemistry.
i agree with this statement.