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Forgive and forget?

When you are fresh off  a painful break up you aren’t always thinking clearly.  If  your ex has been particularly grimy and awful to you, you probably want them to feel the same amount of distress that they inflicted on you.  This is when you need a voice of reason (not a partner in crime!) to talk you off the crazy cliff.

I’m not the type to exact revenge on men who have wronged me.  I’ve done my own dirt and karma has visited my address, plenty of times. Sometimes it’s really best to let go and move on.

I have to admit that there are those moments that I think about getting revenge on an ex-boyfriend though.  I dwell on it for a few hours and start cooking up some crazy idea to make him miserable.  Do you ever think of an ex who you hurt you? How do you let all that go?

Have you ever done something crazy and irresponsible to get back at an ex?  Did it make you feel better at all?

How do you learn to forgive and forget without taking revenge?

287 comments Add your comment

2CPTG©-----"Revenge is like the sweetest joy, next to gettin coochie"

July 20th, 2010
8:29 am

Mornin’ y’all….

Nah, I never thought about getting revenge on a chic…granted, some evil thoughts have ran through my head, but gettin back at her…nah!!! Reason being, the broad that brought me the most headache and heartache was my ex-wife, baby mama, etc…..so if I “murked” her, that would leave my kids in the same boat as me, a motherless child….

Purple Rain

July 20th, 2010
8:51 am

Vengeance is not mine, although I have been consumed by it I have never acted on it. That would have just fed into a cycle of stupidity. Plus the person who is doing the act of vengeance really looks the weakest. Hurt in private, surround yourself with good friends, pray, wipe the dirt off of your shoulders and live better than before. Besides when you get into revenge, the other person is expecting that reaction and you are giving them what they want. When you act like they never existed and you are living your life better, that hurts them the most. It’s like they were never a factor in your life, just a small rain shower on an otherwise sunny day. :)

Dirty Diana ♠

July 20th, 2010
8:51 am

Hola!

Do you ever think of an ex who you hurt you?

Nope I will say this I might tell the story of an ex that hurt me if it adds value to someone else, but not for revenge.

How do you let all that go?
You let it all go over time, because you do not want to be a prisoner to yourself. If you are going to move on and love again you have to find a way to release the hurt, pain and anger. IMO, being honest with your feelings is the best way to do this–do not tell your feelings you are fine when you are not…be honest

Have you ever done something crazy and irresponsible to get back at an ex?

No, but I had one relationship where I was mainly responsible for the breakup. Looking back I should have been a “big girl” and apologized. He was wonderful man and I was at fault in that relationship. I wish I would have told him that bit of info

How do you learn to forgive and forget without taking revenge?

Again, be honest with your feelings. Forgiveness does not come the minute someone say “I sorry” to you. Forgiveness is a process, and sometimes it takes a while. HOWEVER, even if I am not at the point of forgiving someone DOES NOT give me the authority to act a fool and break the law. I am usually just tell my ex to leave me alone, and I will do the same. Space and time away usually makes the “ice” on my heart and mind thaw a bit as I heal, and forgiveness comes.

Dirty Diana ♠

July 20th, 2010
8:52 am

Hey Purple-

How did you enjoy your weekend? Did you get away?

czBrat

July 20th, 2010
9:01 am

GM All!!

ciao Reign! hola profesora! wassup 2!

when i first read the topic i thought, ‘why would anyone waste energy in being vengeful. just let them go & be grateful for the good things yet to come.’ then i realized i started an online profile just to show my ex 2CPTG ….. and that’s where i met my s/o :) gotta luv it!!

Hurt in private, surround yourself with good friends, pray, wipe the dirt off of your shoulders and live better than before. so true!
If you are going to move on and love again you have to find a way to release the hurt, pain and anger. very well said!

Dirty Diana ♠

July 20th, 2010
9:02 am

czBrat

July 20th, 2010
9:05 am

Prof, i know you asked PR, but i just gotta say that we did the whitewater rafting saturday for s/o’s b-day and it was a BLAST!!!! we’re going back with the kids.

but yeah, reign. did you have your romantic getaway?

blue-7/30

July 20th, 2010
9:07 am

GM all –
hey PR, how was the weekend?

on topic:
@2CPTG – i have had the same experience. the only one who got under my skin like happened to be theone who gave me my son. i’ll admit, bad custody fight turned me to thoughts of revenge. but as you stated, theres that child to think about. and for his sake, had to learn to be civil and swallow it all. dont need him growing up dysfunctional cause i cant get in check.

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
P.D. East

@PR – exactly. acting like the whole situation has had no effect other than to make me stronger has helped. both my attitude, and to get him to stop attempting to provoke me (it helped that my house is bigger than his, lol)

Purple Rain

July 20th, 2010
9:10 am

Diana, we went on our trip. I got a round of golf in she did some spa treatments and otherwise it rained to much to be outdoors other than light jogs. It was a “okay” trip.

abc

July 20th, 2010
9:10 am

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That sort of thing is rarely initiated by a man. I’ve been on the receiving end of stuff like that, though, and while it was a pain in the butt and cost me some dough, it only really served to reinforce that it was better to be rid of such psycho beeyotches. Only one of them brought a gun.

Lucinda

July 20th, 2010
9:15 am

Spending time dreaming up revengeful schemes gives power to the negative stuff around the breakup. Not a worthwhile endeavor.

Lady-Resilient!!

July 20th, 2010
9:17 am

Good Morning Good People!!!!!!!!

DD and 2 good posts!!!!!!

Hey PR!!!

Purple Rain

July 20th, 2010
9:17 am

I would not deal with the type of woman, who tries to ruin my current relationship, my job, my personal life, bashing my truck, breaking windows etc. I would have no problem disposing of her legally or illegally.

blue-7/30

July 20th, 2010
9:17 am

hey Diana, cz

czBrat – whitewater rafting? that sounds so scary, maybe just cause i cant swim lol, but still, howd you get in the boat? id have been terrified 8-O

Purple Rain

July 20th, 2010
9:19 am

Hello, Lady,CanalZone,blue,abc and Lucinda :)

Dirty Diana ♠

July 20th, 2010
9:20 am

@czBrat ohhhh that sounds like fun! Did you surprise your SO with the excursion or did he know about it in advance? I am happy it went over well.

@Purple the spa is always nice. Which resort did you decide on?

Lady-Resilient!!

July 20th, 2010
9:21 am

I am just wondering why people get up and come to work evil with that devil spirit!!!!! hot mess! ok carry on! I am trying to be nice! geesh!

Purple Rain

July 20th, 2010
9:23 am

Dirty, we went to the Villas of Amelia

Dirty Diana ♠

July 20th, 2010
9:24 am

Yelling good morning at Lady Diva

Wassup blue!

I would not deal with the type of woman, who tries to ruin my current relationship, my job, my personal life, bashing my truck, breaking windows etc. I would have no problem disposing of her legally or illegally.

@Pur I agree. My cars have never harmed anyone and the tires cost too much. “I pity the fool that will mess with my cars.” (said in my Mr. T voice)I don’t play that…all of that carey underwood and jasmine sullivan don’t mess with folks’ stuff my daddy taught me that lesson…never ever

It's me....lurker

July 20th, 2010
9:25 am

Wow…someone brought a gun? Wonder what made her so made…hmmm

Anyway, while I agree with the “hell hath no fury……” statement, we are all in control of our actions. Anybody that’s ever been in a relationship has probably been taken to the point of wanting to “go there.” I for one have only had 2 men that shook me to my core where I was almost blind with fury. The ONLY thing that honestly kept me from doing all the evil that crossed my mind is how I was raised. Vengeance belows to God….no matter the evil or crime or dirt done to you, it’s NEVER the green light to avenge your ownself. While that may not be easily done as written (because I know), if you make an effort to move past and beyond, that old adage about time heals all wounds is a true, every word of it. You don’t have to be there to see it, you don’t have to know the facts of what the payback was, as God is always in control, everybody gets back what they’ve dished. How I let it go though, is to totally dismiss them…may seem childish but that’s what works for me. Anything that becomes a constant aggrevation is getting removed. During the time I’m moving on and getting beyond, I’m not in the capacity to communicate (i.e. calls, emails, texts), I don’t acknowledge, I totally avoid. Once I’ve reached a point where nothing will resurface, I can then be mature enough to do a quick “hi” or display manners in passing or whatnot. That’s just me though and how I deal.

Dirty Diana ♠

July 20th, 2010
9:28 am

@Lady when I see folks coming to work all evil I just feel like they should select an option:

a) call in sick or use a personal day–it is ok. I would rather you keep a good rep at work and have to call in once a year, instead of coming to work acting like a hot mess

b) stay in your office and listen to Marvin Sapp. Maybe if you get your Pray on for a few minutes you can shake the devil

c) Sit in your car and have a quick devotion…say your affirmations that I am smart, beautiful and have too much going to act like a fool today. I am going to smile and be positive.

Sometimes you have to shake that evil mess and just keep it moving and stand!

Purple Rain

July 20th, 2010
9:28 am

Diana, I have worked to hard to have the peace and life I have now after losing it all before. I would die protecting my serenity if it were attacked.

blue-7/30

July 20th, 2010
9:30 am

serenity now, serenity now….

Dirty Diana ♠

July 20th, 2010
9:33 am

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That sort of thing is rarely initiated by a man.

I would really like to make this a teaching moment. I usually don’t teach on the blog, because I do not get paid to provide that service here. However, we need to stop thinking that only women seek revenge when the most violent relationships occur between two men. Not to mention most of the domestic violence in the home is initiated by men. The point I am making is this :arrow: STOP THINKING WOMEN ARE THE ONES GOING AROUND BREAKING WINDOWS AND SEEKING REVENGE I HAVE SEEN SEVERAL MEN PARTAKE IN THESE ACTIVITIES. I am done teaching unles ajc/cox send me a check or direct deposit a little token into one of my accounts.

Lady-Resilient!!

July 20th, 2010
9:37 am

you are right honey!!!!!! some try to bend your kindness…..i know folks are stressed heck i am stressed sometimes but really I don’t take it to the 10th power and be down right nasty bc I am having a bad morning….ok my morning vent is over….lol

hmmmmmm good karma and bad karma……positivity is my theme even on my bad days I try to find some positive about an ordeal……..i couldn’t waste too much time thinking of a master plan to get back at my ex bc i was a new mother….trust me it was tough in the start but seriously one day I turly let it go and truly ask that it be removed so i can stand clear and raise my child…….times have since been better and he nor any of my recent exes have not been a thought to get back…..for what……..when it is over it is over……….

PR you listed some great alternatives when you are going through………good post!

Dirty Diana ♠

July 20th, 2010
9:38 am

I would die protecting my serenity if it were attacked.

@Purple I understand, but the police better come before the grits get hot j/k maybe not :wink:

Purple Rain

July 20th, 2010
9:38 am

Diana, I agree. I also believe violence brings more violence and stupid acts promote more stupid acts. There are plenty of men, women should know not to mess with and same thing for men, they should know not to mess with some women. All people should think before they act, because the reaction they receive may be a life ending one.

abc

July 20th, 2010
9:38 am

Yeah, right, Diana. Chicks have posted their revenge stories in here before. This is not revelatory.

Lady-Resilient!!

July 20th, 2010
9:38 am

Blue how are you doing honey!!!!! you big day is coming!!! I wanted to share something with you but the thought totally has slipped my mind…been trying to tell you something since last week…..lmbao! I truly don’t have a clue what it was though….lol

Sassy Me...Chocolate Cutey :-)

July 20th, 2010
9:39 am

Do you ever think of an ex who you hurt you?

Once in a while… I may be doing something totally random and a song or something may come on or I may see someone that reminds me of an ex and for a few minutes I’d think about him and then pooof…it’s gone. No harm done…no foul.

How do you let all that go? I retreat….regroup and take time to honestly deal with my feelings. I want space to feel what I’m feeling and the time with which to do so. I don’t take revenge on anyone b/c what goes around does come around and vengeance in mine sayeth the Lord so I just don’t indulge. Have I wanted to…sure I’ve wanted to do some sick isht to make me feel better…only thing is I would’ve also looked real ignant and no man is worth my self respect and dignity.

The best revenge is to live well…therefore I do. :-)

Kimmy

July 20th, 2010
9:40 am

Hi

I have thought about driving by his car and chucking a brick at the windsheild…I didn’t but since he was clueless as to why we even broke up I wanted to inflict some type of pain or financial loss. It made me feel better for about 5 mins, but I realized that he would be back in my life and that would be worst for me in the long run. I had a friend who carved “LIAR” in a guys car. He called her and said it was either her or another girl..Well looks like she was right and it made her feel better, but not my style.

Lady-Resilient!!

July 20th, 2010
9:40 am

good point DD!!!!!!!! I am proud I have NEVER threw a brick or cut tires! LMBAO! I am truly scared I would be locked up and that overrides the thought! I DON’T DO JAIL! that’s all! LMBAO! Silence is golden though…….

~Move on gracefully with class~

Purple Rain

July 20th, 2010
9:42 am

Seriously, if we are at home and I get a brick thrown in my window, or someone is hitting my car with a bat…my rifle is going to be used. I am not checking to actually see who is doing the act. LOL, I will then call the police and tell them to call an ambulance. “Mr. G, do you know this woman, yes officer I do she is my jilted ex” lol, then I would pour some grits on her. LOL

Lady-Resilient!!

July 20th, 2010
9:42 am

Blue I mean “YOUR BIG DAY IS COMING” lol

Hey Sassy!

Lady-Resilient!!

July 20th, 2010
9:43 am

Good point PR!!!!!! The law is to protect your home! Naw honey I have better things to do…..lol

abc

July 20th, 2010
9:45 am

The cops tend to think that chicks acting out like that is rather funny. They say “What on earth did you do to her!” In general, it’s not much worth calling the cops for stuff like that.

Sassy Me...Chocolate Cutey :-)

July 20th, 2010
9:45 am

Dirty Di-anaaaaaa ^5 on that 9:33…

Heeey Lady and cz!!

I am whatever you say I am

July 20th, 2010
9:46 am

Forgive but never forget.
no sense in wishing revenge; you don’t want to mess up your Karma.
But if you are going to do it anyway, remember that revenge is a dish best served cold.

M. (pronouced M dot)

July 20th, 2010
9:47 am

“How do you learn to forgive and forget without taking revenge?”

The best way to get back at an ex is to raise your standards and integrity with the women you deal with.

This will be beneficial to you in two parts:

1. You will not even view her the same if you step up your standards. She probably wont even be attractive to you anymore.

2. Success is the best revenge. Once you have stepped up, you will feel alot better about yourself and dwelling on an ex will be just a waste of energy in which you could be focusing on other things.

@Dirty Diana

“HAVE SEEN SEVERAL MEN PARTAKE IN THESE ACTIVITIES.”

Well I would not count these guys as men…I would count them as emotional scorned simps-guys who cant control their emotions. There is no woman who has a package that good to make me break her windows, come to her job showing out, start a fight or end up in jail…I wish I would…lol

Purple Rain

July 20th, 2010
9:48 am

It is best to put fear in that woman on the front end, so that she does not act up later. LOL, not saying to beat her but live the lifestyle that she knows. “he does not mess around with that type of crap” I am just speaking from a male perspective. Women if you deal with a guy who does revenge stuff …well he is just “moist”..get you a real man to go and have a “talk” with the moist one. :)

Lady-Resilient!!

July 20th, 2010
9:49 am

M. good post!

~less is always more most timess too~

SlimOne

July 20th, 2010
9:50 am

Dayummmmmm, it’s not even 10:00 yet and already there are 40+ posts….must be a whole lot of vindictive heifers out there.

Lady-Resilient!!

July 20th, 2010
9:50 am

Domestic Violence on either end abc working for the state is not worth the risk real talk……….Sometimes the police will act and lock both parties up……lol

Purple Rain

July 20th, 2010
9:50 am

M., I like your second point :)

I Am, that is a dangerous game to play. You do not know the persons mind set of which you are exacting revenge upon.

abc

July 20th, 2010
9:52 am

Stories of psycho men that go nuts and kill their exes are in the news pretty regularly, but men don’t typically go around keying cars, slashing tires, breaking windows, trying to sabotage you at work, all the stuff that chicks typically do. ‘Course, psycho chicks that run over their ex with their Mercedes makes the news, too.

Melo

July 20th, 2010
9:53 am

Good morning folks??

By saying wronged what exactly wld the other party have done for anybody to consider warfare with them to the extend of wanting to inflict harm??

any examples??

I have always consider datinbg and luv as a selection process……no need for warfare.

Either I choose her or I dont and vice versa.

No need for that kinds juvenile mess.

Ofcourse I have deliberately avoided Bible thumbers(wrongly or rightly) in the past for fear of the unknown and hidden crawzzy that may have been lurking in their past.

I never concsiously dated emotionallly vulnerable pple.

blue-7/30

July 20th, 2010
9:54 am

i do agree, that every woman has the potential in her to be a brick throwing, key your car byotch. does she control it or does it control her, thats the question…

@Diana – right on, right on. woman are not the only ones who do dirt, violent or otherwise, simply because of a breakup. have experienced and seen many men who get down right scratch your car, steal your dog, harass your kid crazy because you had the audacity to break up with them rather than letting them break up with you.

@Lady – karma, yes indeedy, spend these days working on my karma constantly, had my kids tell me the other day about how we were improving our karma by helping clean up the trash folks left at the park we went to for the 4th of july.

and yes, BIG DAYS COMING, WOOHOO. going to see Santana at Chastain, getting excited now. and you’ll remember eventually what you wanted to tell me, LMAO

? tho, heading into my 30s (turning 31 this year) arent you supposed to feel different? like, was expecting on my 30th bday would wake up feeling different, but no. does it hit at 31?

Sassy Me...Chocolate Cutey :-)

July 20th, 2010
9:54 am

I had a friend who carved “LIAR” in a guys car.

Yeah I had one of those types,too….lil retard keyed her baby daddy’s new girlfriend’s truck….but just to show you what goes around does come around…he lied to her telling her he needed some money for something really,really serious. The money she gave him…he gave to old girl to get her truck repainted….for a minute after she found out I thought we were gonna have to put her on suicide watch cause she was ape sht batty…but she deserved it for what she’d done. Needless to say I’ve definitely put distance between she and I b/c that’s the kind of drama I soo don’t need in my life.

Purple Rain

July 20th, 2010
9:55 am

abc, you just made the point I was trying to make. Women tend to slash tires, key cars, throw bricks, sabotage you at work and your life/relationships. Men just go nuts and kill the woman and not all of that other stuff. She thinks, I am going to slash his tires, brick him and etc. He thinks I am just going to kill her. No winners, but who is the biggest loser. LOL

Lady-Resilient!!

July 20th, 2010
9:56 am

my point is a minor acts could leave to a big blow ups………don’t go out looking for it too…..i am a believer everything will be revealed if you are paying attention……