Waiting for the shoe to drop
Some people seem to have the toughest time handling happiness. You are dating someone new or in a new relationship and things are going really great. You are in a perpetual honeymoon phase, seeing each other almost every single day with no end in sight. Suddenly, from some inexplicable reason there is tension, drama, and uncertainty between you two. You are thinking, “What just happened here?”
Yesterday, we discussed the cold, broken hearts that are walking around wounded. Today, let’s discuss the people who subconsciously torpedo relationships. Why? Probably out of fear or insecurity. Some people really don’t think they deserve happiness on some level. That is why people stay in relationships that they should not be in. It’s also why they leave relationships they should stay in.
Have you ever dated someone who created drama in the relationship? Have you ever wondered why they seemed to want the relationship to be complicated and painful?
Are you guilty of self-sabotaging your own happiness? What do you do when these type of behaviors lead you to making the same mistakes over and over?
Are you able to enjoy and savor when things are happy in your relationship? Do you ever get a nagging feeling that “the other shoe” is going to drop any moment?
Do you think you have the courage to be in love and have a healthy relationship?
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701 comments Add your comment
East Point's Own
July 8th, 2009
8:35 am
I like to be happy, so I do none of the above, nor do I wish to associate with those who participate in such activities…
Pretty Wings
July 8th, 2009
8:55 am
Top of the morning to everyone! I like to be happy. However,I will admit, that after meeting someone that I’ve really hit it off with, I kinda lay in wait to see whats really up with him. Not for drama or a way out, but because in reality no one is perfect (including me).
I do believe that people send in their repesentative usually before the real person shows up. This is not a judgement against them, but it’s all a part of the process.
Grace
July 8th, 2009
9:10 am
Good morning, I’ve dated a couple of drama kings who didn’t wait for the shoe to drop they just didn’t come with any on. It got to the point where I just didn’t want to talk or looked forward to having anything to do with them because I knew before the date was thru he was going to say something negative about women labeling all of us crazy or not having a clue of what we want.
Have you ever wondered why they seemed to want the relationship to be complicated and painful? For some that’s all they know is drama. Whenever we got together he would always have a bash the ex session and when I didn’t jump in the bandwagon to bash my ex he called me a prude. Sometimes he made me wonder did he get a rush from all the drama.
Dan
July 8th, 2009
9:12 am
Good morning,
Here’s my thing: whether planning for the future (either the good or bad) or waiting on the other shoe to drop – you’re taking your eye off the present; and potentially missing precious moments that once lost will never be recovered.
AmazonRed™
July 8th, 2009
9:19 am
Morning all!
Self-sabotaging happiness – This is something my ex did. He just wouldn’t allow himself to see his blessings. He often focused on what he didn’t have, what he wasn’t getting, and who wronged him. He would push me away, saying that he didn’t want to make me unhappy. I often had to remind him that happiness comes from within and that no one can make you anything unless you allow them to.
Hopefully, he’s taken it to heart. I hear he’s working out again and making moves. I hope he realized that the way he was before wasn’t getting him anywhere, especially in love.
East Point's Own
July 8th, 2009
9:29 am
Pretty Wings So if things go really well to start off, you lay back on purpose and wait of the “real” person to show up? Is this not the same as assuming that this person really is not as good as you think they are?
Who ever said they were perfect, I mean if you enjoy the first few dates, why not continue to be you, or was that just your representative that you sent on the date…how do you change after your period of laying back?
Do guys not get the feeling that you are not interested if you suddenly stop being the same person they had fun with on the first few dates?
http://hispointofview.com/2009/07/the-un-forgiven/
AmazonRed™
July 8th, 2009
9:31 am
But ironically, there is this little voice in my subconscious that waits for the “other shoe to drop” in life. I’ve had a pretty easy going life. And the fact of the matter is, that people close to you will die, or you’ll get hurt, or something bad will happen. So part of me braces for impact cuz those days are coming. Not to say I dwell on it or don’t enjoy each and every moment that I can. But I guess it just keeps me from getting too smug about the good things in life, cuz it can change in an instant.
Professor
July 8th, 2009
9:36 am
It’s a beautiful morning and good morning to all,
Hmmm this is an interesting topic. I have never sabotaged a relationship, but I have been known to get “cold feet” because I was afraid things were going to good to be true. Now please do not read into this the wrong way because my cold feet did not bring drama.
Do you think you have the courage to be in love and have a healthy relationship?
Yes I have the courage, wisdom, mindset, qualities etc to be in love and have a healthy relationship. With that said I will leave you with some of my favorite lyrics for India Arie (I Am Ready for Love):
If you give me half a chance
I’ll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect’s the spirit world
And thinks with his heart
I am ready for love
If you’ll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
Dan
July 8th, 2009
9:44 am
Key part of the India Aire “Ready for Love” is the word ‘ready’.
Ready as in available, open to all possibilities, and willing to explore.
Everybody is ready, but ready has an active phrasing as well, ready also means being prepared. Has the work been done? Sure there are wounds, are they still open? Are you really ready to be scarred again?
Words like ‘ready’, ‘experience’, and ‘want’ are not passive. Things happen to us to be sure, be we have a part to play in the moment and the outcome. Are you able?
Not you specifically Professor, the more general ‘you’
kinderbabe
July 8th, 2009
9:46 am
@professor
that is one of my favorite songs.
Professor
July 8th, 2009
9:47 am
Hey ARed,
Once again thanks for being candid about your past relationships… I dealt briefly with a guy that told me he did not want to make me unhappy and he would always ask about my past relationships weird stuff like did my ex give me flowers or the type of dates we went on. In the end, I told myself that he would probably make me unhappy because I like a man with a little more confidence.
Raqi...singing Hava Nagila
July 8th, 2009
9:49 am
Good Morning.
Being in love can be scary. It’s like being naked. You are baring it all yet not knowing what’s to come. You can only trust that the one you are giving yourself to will do right by you and the relationship. Love itself?…is perfect. Choosing to be in love does take courage.
I will admit to a few times at the beginning of my present relationship I waited for it all to blow up in my face. There were times I could just feel myself holding on tight. And he was not what I was holding on to. I was holding on to my heart, to my inner self. I just knew that the minute I let it all go to love…to fall in love in again my heart was going to be crushed. We are 8 years in now.
There was a time or two that my heart was broken in this relationship but as you see it was not broken to the point of non-repair. It was probably not broken but just wounded. We had our moments but he didn’t go anywhere. I was the one that was calling it over in my mind.
He would tell me that he loved me but I was afraid to fall in love.
Yet what I didn’t realize during that time is I was already falling. I was falling the whole time. I don’t know if I ever told you all this but I cried the evening I realized or rather admitted to myself that I was in love with this man. It was not a cry of regret or a cry of sadness but more so of fear and happiness. More fear than anything.
We were spending the weekend together at my house and were laying in bed listening to the radio and at that moment I just let it all go. I could feel myself being to tear up so I got up and went to the bathroom. I laughed at myself for crying but I couldn’t make it stop. When I got back in bed I turned my back to him so he would not notice my eyes, he asked me was I okay and told me to turn and face him…forget all of that.
Yes, I have been one afraid to give in. And have also been one that nearly made it not happen. I do know that there were a couple of guys before him that I did not give a fair chance to out of fear.
But those other guys don’t matter now. LOL I am happy.
Hava nagila ve nis’mecha!!!
abc
July 8th, 2009
9:49 am
Some folks need drama to feel more alive or something. Some just have to have arguments, fights, strife of some kind. Some are determined to have a dislike or problem with everything they encounter. It’s akin to people whose veins bulge in their necks from the stress and strain from a round of golf, cussing all the while, but claim to love the game because it’s so relaxing; a softball team that yells, screams, berates and throws fits throughout, then says ‘man, that was a great game!’
I avoid folks like that. Life’s too short.
Professor
July 8th, 2009
9:49 am
@Kinderbabe…that is a great song and I really love the emotion India gives that song.
@Dan I like your outlook on those lyrics
kinderbabe
July 8th, 2009
9:50 am
@dan
good point. often times we ask for things and tear apart the result when it arrives. as you stated, i think it may be due to lack of preparation but mostly fear. fear is the killer of dreams and realities.
kinderbabe
July 8th, 2009
9:54 am
@professor
me too! one part of the song i used to tell myself most often was:
lately i’ve been thinking
maybe you’re not ready for me
maybe you think i need to learn maturity
they say watch what you ask for
’cause you might receive
but if you ask me tomorrow
i’ll say the same thing
yep…that’s my song! lol
Leggs
July 8th, 2009
9:55 am
Good morning!
I have never sabatoge a relationship and don’t understand why people do this. You’re involved in a relationship to spend time, experiences, ups and downs with a person. Why sabatoge it when things are going good. Isn’t that the main reason to get involved in the first place. To be harmonious with another. It baffles me that when the going gets good, people get stupid! If that’s your plan, stay dating yourself!
Professor
July 8th, 2009
9:58 am
@ Kinder I like that part too…LOL. Especially the you are not ready for me part…
AmazonRed™
July 8th, 2009
10:00 am
In the end, I told myself that he would probably make me unhappy because I like a man with a little more confidence.
Professor – Very true. It’s draining to be with a constant downer. My own mother is a pessimist, and I figured since I grew up with one, I could handle one in my life. But it’s really no fun when you think about dealing with that for a lifetime.
In addition, I don’t like drama, so I just couldn’t get into making everything in life so complicated!
Pretty Wings
July 8th, 2009
10:01 am
@EPO – No I don’t lay back just to see, but a few dates will not give you the full picture, and yes maybe I do send in my representative. But, I’m saying that your representative is not who you are, but it’s not all of you…….hopefully it’s the better part.
I think we all yearn for the place to totally be who we are without drama or the representative, Don’t get it twisted, I want someone who can love me between touch ups.
Raqi...singing Hava Nagila
July 8th, 2009
10:02 am
Leggs sometimes you are not aware of what you are doing. It’s like when something bad as happened and you come to expect every situation similar to that one to end badly thereafter. Therefore you may subconsciously do things to make your fear or expectations reality. Then to look back and say “I knew it was not going to last” yet not realizing you are the one that prevented it from lasting.
I don’t think people are always conscious of their actions that stem from fear and heartache.
That’s why it’s important to get a grip on a situation and learn that not all men, while keeping with today’s topic, are the same. Not all men are deceitful. Not all men are out to use women. And so on.
Melo
July 8th, 2009
10:07 am
Do you ever get a nagging feeling that “the other shoe” is going to drop any moment?
Drama?? what is that? What is drama and what aint?
If there is no drama at some point then u are in a Cindirella rerlationship,where everything is agreable,smooth and nice.But thats a Utopia coz no real lyfe is flawless.
I have a belief that if u are in luv with a guy/girl and u have never had a major disagreement,then somebody between the 2 of u is settling.
Two different pple coming from 2 diff wrlds must collide at some point.If they happen to resolve those kinks but still want to be tgether and they do,thats luv.
Uall need to face up to the real world and not recycle cindirella,fake stories day in and day out,professing,No, i dont take Drama!!!Thats bullsyyt!!
Lyfe has drama,even Michael J’s,a lyfe worth a billion at that.
Whats so special about ur little lives that u cant take drama from another person.Infact ur own livees are full of drama, problem is,u dont like to look in the mirror that much.
Uall fake!
Good morning tho!!!!
kinderbabe
July 8th, 2009
10:07 am
@professor
me too! i would love to see her in concert. i missed her at chastain w/john legend july 4th weekend (sunday). did you go?
Miss Moni
July 8th, 2009
10:09 am
Do you think you have the courage to be in love and have a healthy relationship?
Yes, I have the courage. However sometimes fear sets in and I wonder if I have the endurance to start all over in another relationship. I believe that it is oh so important to take a timeout after a relationship in order to get yourself together. When you don’t deal with your issues (good, bad or indifferent) then you are not on a good start for a healthy relationship on the next go round. Love is a very beautiful thing that I desire to SHARE with my “Neo”. To continue to deal with a man who is not interested in having a healthy & loving relationship is simply insane.
SexyCool - Warm Sun, Ocean Breezes and Apple Martinis
July 8th, 2009
10:10 am
Oddly enough, I was just having a conversation last night with someone and I specifically said, “I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
We went on to discuss my current approach to dating. I am at a point where I will meet him where he is, return his attention and his affection and allow him to see even the worst of who I am. All the while, I am watching and observing with the goal of soaking up the pieces of him that he shares with me.
Three Words Daily – Words carry power.
THE INFAMOUS DK
July 8th, 2009
10:12 am
Reminds me of a Blink 182 song “Please tell me why”..
It’s no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy
cause every now and then I kick the living ish out of me
the smoke alarm is going off and there’s a cigarette
still burning
Please tell me why
my car is in the front yard
and I’m sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night
and you’re gone
gone
Raqi...singing Hava Nagila
July 8th, 2009
10:14 am
I also think not giving your all into the relationship out of fear or misguided expectations sabatoges the relationship.
Cemeeli
July 8th, 2009
10:15 am
Morning…
Thanks for the India inspiration Professor & kinderteach.
My fav. is “Beautiful Surprise”…listening right now.
Professor
July 8th, 2009
10:17 am
Melo you are snapping on that 10:07. I must say this…
***I have a belief that if u are in luv with a guy/girl and u have never had a major disagreement,then somebody between the 2 of u is settling.
Two different pple coming from 2 diff wrlds must collide at some point****
Melo I must say this in my early 20s I dated a guy that I had a lot in common with and he appeared to be very smart (he was older), we never had any disagreements, but as I grew I started to realize his flaws as well as my own and I decided that I could not do the relationship anymore. We only had one major disagreement and that collision was the end of our relationship. At the time, he wanted to us to talk about the problem some more face-to-face and I just remember telling him that I would leave my car door unlock and he could leave my belongings on the back seat. He went off and I hung up the phone and never returned his calls (nor did I receive my belongings).
THE INFAMOUS DK
July 8th, 2009
10:17 am
I have sabotaged a relationship.. Yes I have. Only because I was tired of being in it and I wanted to make it look like she was breaking up with me. I used to call it turning off the oxygen. I’ll just stop doing stuff and be as inconsistent as possible and she would have no choice but to break up with me. Yeah so when she broke up with me and said she was sorry I could just say well you broke up with me. Yes and I have learned its easier just to say “I’m not happy I think we should take a break for a while” or “this isnt working for me”
SexyCool - Warm Sun, Ocean Breezes and Apple Martinis
July 8th, 2009
10:19 am
Raqi – Your 949a – I’m feeling that.
Professor
July 8th, 2009
10:19 am
@Kinder I did not go and the funny thing is on Sunday I really wanted to go…when the tickets went on sale I was not feeling Chastain in July. I am not good with the heat.
Pretty Wings
July 8th, 2009
10:20 am
@Melo 10:07 That’s real! Not that it’s always being fake, but the drama comes when we go right past the reality.
kinderbabe
July 8th, 2009
10:21 am
hey cemeeli.:) hope you are having a good day. how’s junior doing? enjoying his summer break?
Professor
July 8th, 2009
10:21 am
Hey Ce!
“Beautiful Surprise” is a good one
Pretty Wings
July 8th, 2009
10:24 am
@IDK – See thats some “ish” right there and it totally = DRAMA
kinderbabe
July 8th, 2009
10:24 am
@Professor Yeah, it is mighty hot out there, especially now. I’m not a big John Legend fan. Since he was headlining, I wasn’t gung ho about going. I wonder when Jill Scott will return to Atlanta? I want to see here in concert too.
lurker
July 8th, 2009
10:25 am
Great post Melo…keeping it real!
kimmie-Her Royal Highness the Dutchess
July 8th, 2009
10:27 am
Morning good people!
Yes, fear is the killer of all dreams. A lot are in that “Imma hurt them before they hurt me” kinda mentality. Some are so used to dealing with drama & disappointments that they don’t recognize and cherish the good times when they are present. And every day is not going to be Christmas, but you can learn to appreciate even the smallest things every day.
I think it takes courage and confidence to allow yourself and feel you are deserving of true happiness. Again, too many people allow FEAR to rear it’s ugly head too often.
I once dated a guy that sabatoged a relationship with me I think because of fear or maybe he was just not that into me, I dunno! Things were going very well with us. YES, we had our ups and downs and did not agree on everything, but the good far outweighed the bad! A good 80/20 situation in my book. Anyway, he just seemed to try to create drama between us! He said we had not “been thru enough and had not been sufficiently TESTED”! Life gives you enough to deal with without trying to create more “tests”. We had already dealt with long distance at times, job & school stresses, family drama – I did not know what else we had to do to be tested!
A few years after we broke up, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and many tragedies soon followed that I had to deal with, including my father’s long-term illness.
Life gives you enough drama – no need to create it! I have no room in my life for drame kings & queens.
lurker
July 8th, 2009
10:27 am
you too Raqi….good post that is
Grace
July 8th, 2009
10:27 am
Two different pple coming from 2 diff wrlds must collide at some point.If they happen to resolve those kinks but still want to be tgether and they do,thats luv -Melo True dat! but when you’re involved/meet a person who is always looking for things to go bad then…..it’s more than ironing out the kinks because that person will ALWAYS find something to gripe about. Drama.
Page1908
July 8th, 2009
10:28 am
DK- I like what you said at 10:17. It’s refreshing that a man can admit this does happen sometimes. I also have a girl friend that sometimes does this too because she said if the guy breaks up with her, she doesn’t feel as bad…..until later when the guilt begins to set in.
Professor
July 8th, 2009
10:31 am
Kinder I would love to see Jill Scott again I saw her at the Fox the last time she was here. I am thinking it will be a while before she hits the road again, since she is a new mother.
@DK/Page I used to do that all the time…give the man a reason to break up with me.
SexyCool - Warm Sun, Ocean Breezes and Apple Martinis
July 8th, 2009
10:33 am
Another thing I will say – it’s really, really difficult for me to ‘let go’ of my heart. I carry scars from going in blindly, totally trusting from jump. You know – once burned, twice shy.
Behind the SexyCool is someone who’s really just trying to get life right.
I will put my toe in the water and splash around in the shallow end before I will venture into deeper waters.
My cautious approach to allowing someone behind my fence is not a conviction of him or his payment for the past sins of others. It is me protecting myself until I am fully confident that I can leave my heart in his hands and they are indeed good hands.
Leggs
July 8th, 2009
10:34 am
@Raqi, you’re absolutely correct some are not aware. Those I get. Even for those situations that did turn bad, I wonder why people “subconsciously” think all other similar situations will end the same way. Once that process has begun, the end is already dictated by now negative actions. Why even think like that? Why not simply take the good and give it your all. If it’s meant to grow it will. If you go in with negative, silent thoughts, your have already determined what the outcome will be.
@SexyCool ~ yes, indeed, Words Carry Power!
THE INFAMOUS DK
July 8th, 2009
10:36 am
RAqi – Curses!! Do you have a clone?
AmazonRed™
July 8th, 2009
10:38 am
Melo
July 8th, 2009
10:39 am
Most/some of u maybe in relationships where its like this:
1 he/she dont have enough money
2 car issues
3 job issues,stress caused by the job hence low libido
4 family issues/illness,cousin(s) are jailbirds,need bond(s)
5 housing/apartment lodgings issues
6 credit issues leading to problems with jobs, lack of reliable car etc,housing lease etc
7 baby mama/daddy issues(somewhere in there,u find them)
This is lyfe as i know it if u are in America.And if u african american,thats the lyfe there and its challenges.DRAMA,for lack of a better term.
So ladies,tell me where u going to meet a man who is spanking brand new,unless u prepared to work and resolve us issues even as u face new ones everyday??
I wld rather we talk about how do we resolve them once u find ur mate has them rather than running away coz the next man/girl will proly have worse.
Cemeeli
July 8th, 2009
10:40 am
I hear India was great at Chastain.
Kinderteach Lil Cee is a good golden brown. Sun has crisped him. He’s busy with Camp and growing up. He asked me to cut our last watermelon in the house lastnight. I cut it & put it in the fridge cuase he like it cold. I enjoy it room temp., with salt.
… back in 90s India would hang out @ Ying Yang Cafe. I have her latest too Test. Vol. 2 – “Love & Politics”, my fav is “Therapy” on that CD.
I’m listineing to “Brown Skin” now….You make me want a Hershey kiss…you licorice….i’l be your Almond Joy…you’ll be my Sugar Daddy…
WHEW!!
Mo (aka Moeisha)
July 8th, 2009
10:42 am
Morning Everybody!
Loving what Raqi & Melo have said so far. I have been guilty of waiting for the other shoe to drop (or for the sixth toe to show up as I call it). I used to always say it was my way of maintaining a realistic view of things and thereby softening the blow if things didnt work. What I didnt realize at that time was having that thought process was hindering me from giving of myself, even in great relationships. My SO would feel as if I wasnt all in and that wasnt fair.
Hey Kinderbabe – enjoying your summer chica?