You’re So Cold
I think the toughest part of dealing with heartbreak is realizing that part of you gets so jaded. After you have given your all in a relationship, you have to actively work on not letting it make you bitter about love. I think there are many wounded souls and broken hearts that probably don’t realize how cold they are toward romance.
It’s what happens when good girls go bad. It’s how bad boys are made, it’s called post-heartbreak behavior. The things you start to do as a direct result of having your heart broken. From dating or sleeping with B-list people you have no future with, to acting cold and ambiguous to anyone who expresses an interest in you.
Instead of taking a break from dating, the walking wounded starts to wreak havoc and cause their own destruction! How do you spot them though? How can you tell when someone is not emotionally open to having a relationship?
Have you ever met someone who was jaded about love and romance, yet still wanted to date around and hook up?
What is your post-break up behavior? Do you go solo for awhile or hop right into the dating scene immediately?
Do you agree with the statement that it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all or is that a myth?
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697 comments Add your comment
I-85
July 7th, 2009
8:51 am
I’ve been with my ex for a year. In January she cheated and I forgave her. I just found out that in May she went out and got so drunk she couldn’t walk home. Dudes were grabbing her “assets” and taking her to their cars. I learnt of this ordeal and I left her for good. She tries to call me ever since saying she didn’t do anything wrong. I am even surprised she thinks she didn’t do anything wrong. Her friends keep calling and telling me how heart broken she is. They said she will fall to anybody at this point so I should get back with her. Once beaten twice shy. I just realized once u’ve broken up with somebody don’t ever give them a chance they will kill you. Revenge is sour for real.
Amen,
Professor
July 7th, 2009
8:51 am
Good Morning All:
Long story short, I really feel that members of the jaded population need to take a seat on the sidelines if they are not honest enough to let their intentions be known. I have met guys that were hurt from past relationships and you could just tell they needed to blow off some steam, but my point is be honest about it and not pretend you are ready for something that you are not.
What is your post-break up behavior? Do you go solo for a while or hop right into the dating scene immediately? I am one that goes and sits on the bench after a break up I take myself out the game. I mentioned this last week even when I get tired of the games I take myself out the game sometimes a break is needed.
Do you agree with the statement that it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all or is that a myth?
Yes because I think that there is a deep joy in true love so I totally agree with that statement. I am not talking about that dysfunctional stuff, I am talking about a love that works together, builds together and goes through ups and downs together. The kind of love described by Hafiz one of my favorite quotes on love…
Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth, “You owe me.”
Look what happens with a Love like that!
—It lights the whole Sky. (Hafiz)
Professor
July 7th, 2009
8:53 am
I-85, are you currently dating now or taking a break? (just curious since that is the topic).
Pretty Wings
July 7th, 2009
9:03 am
I’ve been hurt by someone like you I-85 a otherwise good man that had been hurt and really was not ready to move forward with anyone, so I’m sitting on the sidelines………a little self refection goes a long way. The saddest part of the whole thing is that but for his grimey past, he would have been a good fit.
Mike Jones (who)
July 7th, 2009
9:04 am
I learned that once someone does you wrong you can’t give them a second chance because they will do it again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!
As far as the topic: I would say take a little bit of time to get back on your feet then get back in game. You don’t want to spend to much time on the bench!
Cemeeli
July 7th, 2009
9:09 am
Morning!
Mood: THANKFUL!
Do you agree with the statement that it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all, or is that a myth?
Yes, i do believe.
AmazonRed™
July 7th, 2009
9:13 am
Morning all –
The key for me is to not look back after the decision is made to part ways. I think it’s the “on again, off again” game that brings the most hurt, so I just refuse to play. One we are done, there is no “checking in” or remaining friends, I recognize it’s not easy to scale love down to just friendship.
But I do not wallow in a break up for long. As long as I’m not punishing the next man for the sins of another, and as long I’m not pining over my ex, it’s okay to move on.
Rell
July 7th, 2009
9:13 am
learned that once someone does you wrong you can’t give them a second chance because they will do it again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!
- WORD!!!!
@I-85….just wow….
@professor…are you blogging within a blog…lol
-I dont need time for anything…once i am done i am done and the next women does not catch flack for my past…actually I DONT TALK ABOUT MY PAST…its mine…if i share cool…if not…i focus on whats in front of me….
Cemeeli
July 7th, 2009
9:14 am
Professor I like that quote. Nice.
P.S. I’m staying on optomistic side of the grain today. There is enough negative energy passed along about being destructive after a break up.
I-85
July 7th, 2009
9:18 am
@ professor: to be honest yes I am dating nothing serious. It’s unrealiztic that I seat and quander—maybe from a man’s point of view. U can only move forward if u date, then you will realize there is something out there better.
Truth be told u can’t stay home – “we got needs”
Professor
July 7th, 2009
9:19 am
I think just because you don’t talk about a past relationship or have anyone pay for the sins of the past does not mean the hurt and the pain is not there. Although we cannot see the wind we can still feel it on our skin, and the same with relationships it may be over but you can still feel the impact. Everyone handles things differently, but I feel a little time on the bench does a lot of good.
Foots
July 7th, 2009
9:19 am
Good morning! Just peeking in on the topic today. I can say that I have done both, sat out for a while after a breakup and gotten right back into dating. It depends on my mindset at the breakup. If I’m feeling sad and bitter, I don’t want to bring anyone else into that. If I’m just happy to be free, no problem with dating again.
Usually though, the time just passes between a break up and meeting somebody new worth talking to. It’s nature running its course: wait until you meet someone who interests you and if you find yourself wanting to know more about them and spend time with them, the waiting period is over. It works for me because after a bad breakup, I have no desire to see a new person. I know I’m over it when I start truly noticing men again.
Rell
July 7th, 2009
9:25 am
@FOOTS….dayum where you been
@prof
the hurt and the pain is not there
-pulllllllllllease…this only applies if you think you are the VICTIM..and you dont take ownership in your part of the relationship demise…trust just because you THINK you did everything or where GOOD…does not mean that you did or where good for that person…
Foots
July 7th, 2009
9:29 am
I truly believe that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Sometimes, even now, I think about the love I’ve felt for people in the past and smile. Good times and bad times, but in a lot of ways, that love enriched me and taught me so much about myself and relating to others. I wouldn’t trade that for the world. Nothing in life is guaranteed, even love. So it’s best to enjoy it when it happens, mourn it when it’s gone, and after that mourning period, open yourself to the possibility of it happening again.
Professor
July 7th, 2009
9:31 am
@Rell my 9:19 was not slated at you personally, and trust me I have never played the victim role and even when dude cried like a baby backing out of my driveway and I felt free as the wind I took time off because a grown man crying like that just “ain’t” right.
Pretty Wings
July 7th, 2009
9:32 am
@Rell…..Correct you don’t take ownership for their part only for yours,but it’s still good to understand what your part was, even if it meant that you were not good for that person. Ultimately the only person a victim ever fails to love is him or herself.
AmazonRed™
July 7th, 2009
9:33 am
I think just because you don’t talk about a past relationship or have anyone pay for the sins of the past does not mean the hurt and the pain is not there.
Professor – Of course. Pain is a part of life. Doesn’t mean you stop living.
As for me, I’m strategic in most everything I do. I think before I act and more importantly I think about the consequences before I act. So that being said, when I decide to leave a relationship, I’ve already have time to start preparing for it. And because guys never seem to want to do the breaking up or burning bridges, I’m not the one blind sided by a break up, so my heart has time to prepare.
Professor
July 7th, 2009
9:33 am
I-85 thanks for answering that…
Foots
July 7th, 2009
9:33 am
What’s up Rell? Yeah, I haven’t been around much, just going through a busy period where I’m concentrating on a lot of stuff. I’m in my last class now of the educational portion of my CFP requirements and gearing up for the studying/testing, I’m starting a new job and doing the old one, and just chillin with my folks and friends. You know me…trying to stay a step ahead.
What’s been going on in your world?
Cemeeli
July 7th, 2009
9:34 am
Foots – Your 9:29. GREAT!
Hope all is well, you’ve been m.i.a.
Pretty Wings
July 7th, 2009
9:37 am
@ I-85 your 9:18 “We got needs” is that low level thinking that got you and your ex in that situation from the jump. Pull up!
AmazonRed™
July 7th, 2009
9:37 am
Hey Foots. Always glad to read ya. Glad things are going well.
THE INFAMOUS DK
July 7th, 2009
9:38 am
I’ve done it all ways possible.. Went on a tear leaving women in my wake. A path of destruction only later to feel like Alfie thinking there were several good women in that wake I could have loved. I have taken to the sidelines after a bad beat and chilled out for a while to clear my mind by focussing on getting my money right. I know now that its best to take that time to yourself because its incredibly selfish to destroy somebody that hasnt caused you the pain. I also have found that when the time is right for you to get out there and get at it again someone will come along and make it easy for you to do so.
Dan
July 7th, 2009
9:41 am
@PW
I-85 was stating a fact.
What happened to wanting “honesty”?
As long as both parties have informed consent and agree, there is no problem. But dating is the ultimate in free market economies, if you don’t like the product, don’t buy it.
Hey there, Foots. When are you planning to take the first part?
Mo (aka Moeisha - Ego Trippin, there may be a reason why)
July 7th, 2009
9:41 am
Morning All!
Post break up – I take time to chill out and regroup. I dont wallow too much in it but I do like to take the time to deal with the demise and what I learned from it.
Love – Definitely think its a great thing to have experienced love and lost it than to never have known love at all.
Jaded individuals – I have met a few people jaded from the whole marriage experience. However those individuals never seemed (emphasis on seemed) to really take notice of their part in the demise of the relationship.
Cemeeli
July 7th, 2009
9:42 am
Ultimately the only person a victim ever fails to love is him or herself.
Amen to that!
Pretty Wings – Good question @ 9.37.
Mo (aka Moeisha - Ego Trippin, there may be a reason why)
July 7th, 2009
9:42 am
And hey Foots, good to read ya!
Professor
July 7th, 2009
9:45 am
@ARed…I see…thanks for the details.
Grace
July 7th, 2009
9:48 am
Have you ever met someone who was jaded about love and romance, yet still wanted to date around and hook up? Everyday. And what gets me is that they are so jaded but want play the victim when it’s their attitude that is keeping them from finding true love again.
Do you go solo for awhile or hop right into the dating scene immediately? I’ve done both. I’ve whinned and pinned over this one guy, I was devastated. I went thru all the emotions of anger, self pitty, I was an emotional bagage. It took some time but I got over him but I did, and then there was a time I jumped right back into the dating pool and did it all over again.
Do you agree with the statement that it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all or is that a myth? I agree, I hold on to the memories of my true love it gives me hope and inspiration knowing that even if I don’t find love again I’ve been loved and have loved. That’s so beautiful.
Cemeeli
July 7th, 2009
9:48 am
“I know now that its best to take that time to yourself because its incredibly selfish to destroy somebody that hasnt caused you the pain. I also have found that when the time is right for you to get out there and get at it again someone will come along and make it easy for you to do so.”
Infamous Yea, most times the most Villanous or Filthy person couldn’t be as destructive as he/she wanna be, hunh?
Tazzee - in need of some beach time
July 7th, 2009
9:49 am
Morning folks!
I usually take some time after a break up. I reflect on what went right in the relationship, what went wrong and my contribution to the demise. I did get a little bitter after my relationship last year – but not to where I took it out on guys, I just released my frustrations in the gym. I did give my current guy a little grief but that was because he was saying some of the exact same things as the last guy. I was being cautious with my heart. Fortunately he didn’t give up on me.
I truly believe that it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Even in the relationship when I loved a fool – I took joy in discovering that I had the capacity to love in that manner.
Dan
July 7th, 2009
9:49 am
As for post breakup behavior, like DK, I’ve had my times of tearing through a number of “relation(ship)s”, and I’ve also taken time to self.
Being able to start something new is almost subconscious, your heart will know before your head when you’re ready.
AmazonRed™
July 7th, 2009
9:50 am
@ARed…I see…thanks for the details.
Professor – No problem. But to add, I’m always willing to talk about my past relationships. I think the ability to do so is a healthy sign. In addition, you past shapes you to who you are, so I think it’s relevant to be able to look at a picture in its totality, and not just nuggets you want people to see.
Professor
July 7th, 2009
9:53 am
@ARed I know that pain is apart of life and you don’t stop living. I have lost some folks very dear to me (death) so I do not have a problem with keeping it moving. Also I forgot to add just because I am sitting on the bench does not mean I am in mourning…maybe I painted the wrong picture I am still doing things having fun I am just not doing the dating scene. However I just know when I need to take a seat and clear my head. Let me say this, there were times when I took a break from dating and it had nothing to do with a previous relationship, but me trying to “get the job done.” I took a break from dating when I was in the process of buying my home, finishing school, satisfying my urge for wanderlust…
Page1908
July 7th, 2009
9:54 am
Unfortunately, I think women are often labled “jaded” more so than men. It’s as if men can’t possibly be jaded or hurt by breakups, which we all know is not true.
It seems to me that I hardly ever met jaded men, until I moved here to Atlanta, where I have met a LOT. Some of them actually will admit they are jaded and have been hurt, but many of them will not, but it shows so evidently in their actions.
Sassy Me...juicy fruit and Trini to di bone :-)
July 7th, 2009
9:56 am
What is your post-break up behavior? Do you go solo for awhile or hop right into the dating scene immediately?
Break ups for me are kinda hard so I’m an out of sight out of mind kind of woman. I don’t believe in “on again…off again”, if you’re my ex you’re that for a reason and to go back to that won’t/can’t happen. I don’t back track,period. I get rid of all traces and remnants of the person(burn pictures,return any clothing in a box and lastly I erase their number from my phone)….why go through all of that?….well the memories are enough and I don’t want any visual reminders. I only have contact with one of my exes and that’s b/c we ended amicably.
Once I’m done with a relationship I fly solo for quite a long time. Before my last relationship I’d been single for years and since my last relationship I’ve been single for about two years and counting.
How do you spot them though? How can you tell when someone is not emotionally open to having a relationship?
Usually they’re still talking about the ex or just go to the extreme when it comes to dating…i.e. sleeping with as many people as possible or having that “get them before they get me” attitude. If you’re not ready cool sit onthe sidelines and chill ain’t nothing wrong with that.
Professor
July 7th, 2009
9:56 am
*** think it’s relevant to be able to look at a picture in its totality, and not just nuggets you want people to see.***
ARed I concur
SexyCool - I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
July 7th, 2009
9:57 am
I’ve done it both ways – gone all out and taken a seat in a dark corner to reflect. Either way, I’ve learned that no matter the pain and no matter the recovery method, the sun keep coming up in the morning, the moon keeps calling the tides to the shores and the world keeps on turning.
Three Words Daily – Live for laughter.
Wise Diva
July 7th, 2009
9:58 am
Morning everyone!
“I took joy in discovering that I had the capacity to love in that manner” <– that’s beautiful, Tazzee. I can remember when I felt that way after a break up too
AmazonRed™
July 7th, 2009
9:59 am
maybe I painted the wrong picture I am still doing things having fun I am just not doing the dating scene.
Professor – At the end of the day, we should know ourselves better than anyone else. Nothing wrong with doing it your way if it works for you. Nothing wrong with me getting back in the game when I feel I’m ready on my end.
But I will note that none of my relationships have been as serious as an engagment or marriage. I definitely think you need to take time, at the very least during the period until the divorce is final!
AmazonRed™
July 7th, 2009
10:01 am
It seems to me that I hardly ever met jaded men, until I moved here to Atlanta, where I have met a LOT.
SexyCool - I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
July 7th, 2009
10:01 am
In retrospect, some of my worst dating decisions have come when I moved right out of one situation into another.
THE INFAMOUS DK
July 7th, 2009
10:02 am
Cee – Actually a person can be more Filthy and Villainous than they ever imagined they could be. The depths a person can sink to is only limited to their ability to snap out of it.
Cemeeli
July 7th, 2009
10:03 am
Even in the relationship when I loved a fool – I took joy in discovering that I had the capacity to love in that manner.
Tazzee – That’s what’s up! love it!
Dan
July 7th, 2009
10:04 am
The depths a person can sink to is only limited to their ability to snap out of it…..or actually realize its affect on other people.
Sassy Me...juicy fruit and Trini to di bone :-)
July 7th, 2009
10:04 am
It seems to me that I hardly ever met jaded men, until I moved here to Atlanta, where I have met a LOT.
Yeah there are plenty of wounded souls here in the “A”……burnt and scorned.
kimmie-Her Royal Highness the Dutchess
July 7th, 2009
10:06 am
Morning gang!
All this stuff about folks being jaded and taking it out on the next person is precisely the reason why I don’t care to date men fresh out of LTR’s. Even if they think they are ready, most time they are not. And I don’t have a minute to waste paying for somebody else’s mistakes, in fact, I’m hard-core about that!
As for taking a break vs jumping back in – I’ve done both. But I’m like Foots in that I usually don’t have a desire to see anyone new right away and let nature take it’s course. Then somebody comes along and the waiting is over!
There is nothing like the rush that love gives you! All of my experiences have not been good, but they made me who I am today and I would not trade them for the world. Everyone should experience that beautiful feeling, I think. It’s a major part of life. I once thought I was not capable of loving hard again after the last hurtful breakup, but I have been proven wrong.
abc
July 7th, 2009
10:07 am
I’ve been on both sides of it: been used by broken hearts, used them due to lack of caring on my part, but it was all between the ages of 18-21 or so. Don’t you think it’s more than a little juvenile for adults to carry on like that? Sooner or later, one must learn that life is tough, wear a helmet.
Cemeeli
July 7th, 2009
10:07 am
Infamous – Yes but most times, like i said…it’s just something about that person’s “healthy state” makes them snap out and say duece to “self & inflict” destruction.
jus’ sayin’
Mike Jones (who)
July 7th, 2009
10:08 am
Thin line between love and hate
I’ve got a question. Has anyone ever taken the revenge route after being hurt? I haven’t but I damn sure thought about it! lol If so what did you do? Looking back do you regret it?