Cautionary Tale?
I had a wonderful time in New Orleans this weekend! The Essence Music Festival was such a fantastic event with lots of great musical performances. The highlight for me was seeing Anita Baker, Maxwell, and Ledisi perform live. I highly recommend the event to anyone who is a fan of great music.
While we were there, we heard the tragic news of former NFL quarterback Steve McNair. Although the investigation is still being conducted, many reports are stating that McNair was romantically involved with a young lady while he was still married. Needless to say, a lot of people are commenting about the cautionary tale this tragedy is turning out to be.
I know some people who don’t have a problem dating people who are legally separated or are in the process of leaving their partner. Do you think it is important to wait until the person is completely free before starting a relationship with them? What if the process is taking a long time or is delayed? If there are children involved, should that extend the time before you start dating someone?
This tragedy also sparked a debate about kept women, “jump-offs”, and the high price of loving someone who is famous. I suppose we all have different values and outlooks about these topics, but I am interested in hearing your thoughts about it. Would you be willing to be a kept woman or man? What is the definition of a jump-off? Would you ever marry or date someone with a high profile ?
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317 comments Add your comment
East Point's Own
July 6th, 2009
8:41 am
I can’t take anyone seriously unless they are 100% single. If you were in a realtionship when we met, I’m ma need you to get out of it before I ever know that you are seriously interested in me… I don’t want to be with a woman who is trying to decide between me and another dude.
I don’t know any “kept” men so I have absolutely no experience in that dept. but I am willing to try it out if some WOMAN is willing to keep me… LoL
Yes I would date a high profile woman. They need love too.
Isn’t a “jump-off” the same as a cut buddy or a one-night stand?
http://hispointofview.com
Professor
July 6th, 2009
8:41 am
Good Morning All:
I hope everyone had a safe and happy weekend. I am still trying to get it together so hopefully I will make sense.
Do you think it is important to wait until the person is completely free before starting a relationship with them? Absolutely, he needs to be totally free I do not share and I don’t want nobody’s husband sleeping on my pillows.
What if the process is taking a long time or is delayed? At this age (some might disagree), but I know relationships are about timing and it is just not my time for him so I will keep it moving I am not dating a man that has a wife.
If there are children involved, should that extend the time before you start dating someone? I am looking forward to reading the replies on this one. I have never really dated a man with children so I am not sure of the waiting time.
Long story short, the McNair situation is a tragedy and the reports I read stated that his wife is very upset and distraught, which leads me to think that may she thought they were together as husband and wife or a high possibility that they would be able to reconcile. The bad thing is she cannot have a conversation with him now to get some final answers all she can do is deal with those hideous tricks the mind often play during death.
Professor
July 6th, 2009
8:43 am
As for being “kept” I am sorry it brings me great pride to know that I can handle my own. So no I do not want to be kept I just want the simple things…bring in the grocery and wash the car.
Dan
July 6th, 2009
8:46 am
Good morning,
I would sooooo be a “kept” man, but not by a married woman.
As for dating in general, you take risks regardless of your intentions (whether honorable or not) when you date anyone. It’s a sad tale that the number of risks this man took with young lady, ended the way that it did.
As for her relationship status to him, she was being kept to a degree (he co-signed for the car), she knew that the man was married and signed up anyway (likely because of his status).
As for dating someone with a “status”, I’ve tried it a couple of times, but the stardom puts more strain on a relationship becuase of the travel, the parties, the sackchasers, etc. So before you can get to being “together” you have to get through all that other mess.
Not saying it can’t work, but it is a second (or third, 4th, 5th) job for the person with the fame.
Professor
July 6th, 2009
9:01 am
Ohh Dan…LOl about you would so be a “kept” man. BTW, I don’t know if I could deal with the fame especially if my heart was into it…it is one thing if I knew the person before the fame and money it is another thing trying to adjust to that lifestyle.
AmazonRed™
July 6th, 2009
9:08 am
Happy Monday everyone. Whew these Mondays after a 3-day weekend are brutal.
Let me start by saying that this story, while completely tragic, has irked me to no end. I have refrained from commenting on it while the details are being sorted out. But the vacation pics on TMZ just made me mad.
Of course, I’m mad at Steve for so openly gallivanting around with his wh0re. Heck, neighbors supposedly thought he lived there he was there so often.
I’m mad at his wife, because I’m sure she knew and just accepted it.
I’m mad at the side piece cuz she can’t play like she didn’t know he was married, as long as there is Google.
And then lastly, I’m mad that all the good he did and his contributions to football will forever be deminished because of him and his sloppy pimpin. I do hope any guy will take this story as a cautionary tale because I can’t for the life of me figure out why these affairs are more important than your family and your legacy. True, you never think that you’re gonna be killed by your lover (or maybe even your lover’s ex) but you should.
AmazonRed™
July 6th, 2009
9:15 am
WiseDiva, I’m glad you had a marvelous time in New Orleans. I’m sure Tazzee did too.
As for being a kept woman, yes, I could do that. Heck, I wished on that this morning as I struggled on getting out of bed and making it into work!
As for dating someone married or separated, yeah, I won’t do that. I dated a man going through a divorce, and even though he had already started the process when we met, I realized I could have waited to the papers were signed. There was no real benefit by jumping in while he waited for the divorce decree. Great lesson to learn and one I can say I won’t do again.
I could possibly date someone high profile, but he would know up front that I’m not one of those “look the other way” type chicks. I’m one of those “blow up the spot” type chicks
. So I don’t think I’d be the type of girl to marry someone who could be swayed by other women, especially in mass influx.
East Point's Own
July 6th, 2009
9:18 am
It seems to me that he was not making any effort to hide his dealings with the side chick…So we don’t know what the wife knew/didn’t know or if they were an open couple, or seperated, or what…
I’m just saying… we don’t know enough to pass judgement on anybody yet. Maybe the chick had a jealous father, brother,boyfriend/fiance who knocked them both off… Maybe it was murder suicide… maybe he was just trying to help her strictly as a friend(… yeah I know…its a stretch but its possible.. until a tape gets leaked that shows otherwise….)
http://hispointofview.com
what a bum!!!
July 6th, 2009
9:19 am
What an unnecessary tragedy. I don’t feel one ouce of empathy for him. If you’re married, be that, no if ans or buts. No such thing as almost single or we’re in the process of breaking up or we’re separated. Separated when? Separated because you’re driving different cars? Separated because you took the plane and she took the boat? Separated because you’re in the hall bathroom and she’s using the one in the master bedroom? Selfishness and greed….want yours, theirs and somebody else’s too. This should be a lesson for—–oh, wait,this been happening for centuries—scratch that. You can’t do dirty deeds and they don’t come back to haunt you. I feel sorry for his wife and kids. What kind of memory is this to leave for your kids? No empathy/symapthy for him nor his girlfriend. And while money don’t solve all problems nor make the pain go away, getting paid ain’t half bad either. I hope she gets paid. Royalties, pensions, funds in the bank accounts, insurance policy, liquidating assets, whatever! By any means necessary. Do you girl!
lurker
July 6th, 2009
9:20 am
Enter your comments here
NY2GA, Inc.
July 6th, 2009
9:20 am
Could I be a kept woman? Nope. Date a famous person? Nope. Some women throw themselves at men (whether he is married or not) because they are attracted to the money, the access and the power. So, if you get with a person of that status you have to be prepared to ‘throw dem bows’ on the regular to keep thie chicks away when you’re around or just accept the possibility that your man is not just with you. Either case, No Deal for me. He can keep on pimpin’. I am selfish when it comes to a man. I don’t like to share. So, I’d rather pursue a man that can be freely with me.
RIP Steve McNair. I thought he was great on the field and yes this is a tragic situation. Any number of things could be happening here. Neeverthless, it is becoming apparently clear that he stepped out on his wife with a tenderoni. Living in the days where some people have a “if I can’t have you then nobody can attitude”…some relationships have dire consequences. We have another example once again.
AmazonRed™
July 6th, 2009
9:22 am
I’m just saying… we don’t know enough to pass judgement on anybody yet.
Well duh. Which is why I stated that I haven’t commented on the story at all. But that’s the topic of today and therefore I’m speaking on my opinion in terms of the facts as we know it.
Can we please not go down the “who are we to judge road” today. It’s the topic and one can reasonably speculate on certain things based on the facts presented thus far. No one is going to pass off their opinions as fact or gospel.
Professor
July 6th, 2009
9:22 am
Hey ARed, I feel you Mondays are rough after a 3-day weekend. I am sitting here thinking why am I here I should have taken a vacation day today!
Question: Did the relationship improve or elevated to the next level after his divorce became final?
East Point's Own
July 6th, 2009
9:25 am
AmazonRed Wasn’t nobody talking bout you…dang…
I was just saying overall people and the media have jumped on this murder suicide / wife at home with the kids thing… nobody yet knows what naybody’s relationship really is.
Slow yo roll patna’
lurker
July 6th, 2009
9:26 am
Oh, well…what I typed probably shouldn’t have hit the blog anyway. All I gotta say is you can’t do dirt and get away with it. NO empathy for his trifling behind. How in da heck you’re married to someone and don’t know jack (the wife)?! I’m just mad she’s baffled. Such a sad memory of dad (for his kids). That’s what I don’t understand. You’re living life as you see fit and what feels good for you and what’s best (you think) for you. Nevermind those that will be adversely affected. Nevermind what your kids will have to deal with. I don’t agree but can at least see you being selfish if no one else will be affected but when in the heck will these men grow up and and learn taste not touch not want not….azz ain’t everything. If you ain’t happy, fix it. If you are (or you say you are), leave all else be. At some point, when procreating, you should come to the realization that it ain’t just you and all about you. There are others. While money don’t solve everything, I say get yours girl, your money, the royalties (if any), liquidate his assets, cash in the insurance policy…whatever! Get all you can get for those kids that he didn’t care enough about to see them though life.
AmazonRed™
July 6th, 2009
9:27 am
Did the relationship improve or elevated to the next level after his divorce became final?
Hey Professor. No I was done with him before the papers were signed. We dated only briefly. The soon to be ex was not a factor, she had moved out and taken their son 1000 miles away. In fact, I had even spoken to her and she told me I could have him
.
The problem was that because he was getting divorced, he wanted to relive those “playa” days he couldn’t do while he was married. I wasn’t gonna deal with all that with a guy who didn’t even have his domestic situation handled in the first place. I heard years later that one of the chicks who stated she wasn’t letting him go by any means necessary, held on long enough for him to marry her.
AmazonRed™
July 6th, 2009
9:29 am
Wasn’t nobody talking bout you…dang…
EPO – I didn’t say you were. But I was talking to you. I don’t get the whole “we don’t know enough” argument. It’s a given, as none of us are actually in the situation. But it’s a news story and people can talk about it if they want. I think we’re old enough to know who the ultimate judge is.
Professor
July 6th, 2009
9:30 am
I think once all of the information is trickles down to the press we will see the true picture and I think it is the picture in front of us right now. I can put on my open-minded and fair minded thinking cap and apply a few critical thinking skills and say that we do not have enough evidence to make a decision and lets just wait for the facts. Hell it is Monday, I need coffee and with today being so cloudy I just want to stay in my bed with some hot cheese grits and salmon patties so I am going to state my opinion based on my tummy being empty and I want to go home. IMO McNair cheated and it cost him his life which is a high price to pay, and my heart goes out to his children and wife.
Grace
July 6th, 2009
9:31 am
Good morning, My condolences goes to the family of Steve McNair and also the alledged murderer’s family. It’s a sad and tragic situtation, but this will not be the last of this kind of tradegy. Spouses will continue to cheat and women will still get involved with married men believing that he will leave his wife for her. Who do you blame? There are no winners in situations like this.
It is very important for a guy to be free before I would even consider getting involved with him and that rule also apply for me as well, I would have to be completely free before I consider dating again.
I’d rather stay unkept.
Early morning observance: co worker walking around braless…smh
AmazonRed™
July 6th, 2009
9:32 am
Professor – Actually, I didn’t hear about his marriage through the grapevine. He sent me an email telling me he married her. I guess he was trying to tell me I could have had him had I held on.
East Point's Own
July 6th, 2009
9:33 am
lurker so if he had been jay walking and was killed by a vechile would you say “those kids that he didn’t care enough about to see them though life” ??? I mean he did not do anything that he figured would result in his death or harming his kids… yes cheating is wrong.. blah, blah, blah. but he never did anything purposefully or that in any way he thought would harm his kids…
Even if he had divorced his wife before hooking up with the other lady, we can not assume that that would have been any easier on the kids than if his cheating had gone on for 10 more years but the kids had both parents to call on.
lurker
July 6th, 2009
9:33 am
Oh, and it ain’t judging when the end result is a consequence to your actions. Just because we can’t state the details of play by play, to not state it doesn’t make what happened any less. It is what it is. You won’t likely die in a love triangle that you’re not a part of. Nobody gets consequences of actions they didn’t make.
Professor
July 6th, 2009
9:35 am
ARed, thanks for answering that…I have heard a lot of men try to get their “playa” on after a divorce. That chick that would never let him go…straight crazy!
Dan
July 6th, 2009
9:36 am
@Prof
Fame, money, and the people that orbit both- can change a person. You can become cloistered, to say the least (see: MJ). But if the person is of a strong enough will to overcome it, even later in the process, it shows.
&Prof, like Eddie said “…here’s my $203. Now we have $10,000,203.”
As to Brother McNair, I don’t know the details of the relationship with his wife, but, I knooooow that other chick had to know she was down bad. Then again, her age and rage may be just as telling as what’s unknown at this point.
Professor
July 6th, 2009
9:38 am
BTW he could have kept that email, but I guess he had to let you know you should have held on longer…he was trippin on that one.
@ Grace tell your coworker to go sit down it is too early in the week for that mess!
AmazonRed™
July 6th, 2009
9:39 am
That chick that would never let him go…straight crazy!
But yeah a little crazy. She’d often just show up whereever he was, whether he was with another woman or not.
Texas Boy
July 6th, 2009
9:40 am
Morning All,
I hope every one had a good 4th of July weekend. I would like to say RIP to Steve McNair i played ball with him at Run and Shoot back when he got drafted by the Houston Oilers. He was a very nice guy, very down to earth and friendly. I watched him with the Titans and Cheered for him in the 2000 Superbowl. As far as dateing someone when they are still married or attached,I really don’t think it’s a good thing to do. It’s best to wait until they are free.
AmazonRed™
July 6th, 2009
9:41 am
You won’t likely die in a love triangle that you’re not a part of. Nobody gets consequences of actions they didn’t make.
Nicely stated.
Grace
July 6th, 2009
9:41 am
Ared I always wondered if I had held on to a certian guy would we have married. Going thru all his stuff. Not letting him go by any means necessary. I didn’t have the patience to find out though
AmazonRed™
July 6th, 2009
9:42 am
Whoops, I meant to direct my 9:39 to Professor.
Professor
July 6th, 2009
9:42 am
@Dan I totally agree with your 9:36, in fact I have worked with folks that changed after a promotion so I know a lot of zeros will change things as well. Also I attended high school with members of a well known R&B group most of the members were so lame in HS, but when their record drop you should have seen them…smdh.
East Point's Own
July 6th, 2009
9:42 am
This is exactly the type of thing I dislike with the speed at which “news” travels now. Often initial reports cause people to form erroneous opinions, if the real story takes more than a day or two to flush out people lose interest and by the time the real facts come out people either don’t care, or the media does not pump out the real facts with as much hype to let enough people know what the real facts are.
True enough a lot of times the initial reports are accurate, but you never know when its one of those infrequent cases where the initial reports don’t match the actual facts.
Newspaper corrections don’t make the front page in bold type, and newscasters whisper and talk fast when they announce corrections…LoL Its funny how corrections are run only once even if the initial wrong story ran as the headline story for 3 days straight.
AmazonRed™
July 6th, 2009
9:45 am
always wondered if I had held on to a certian guy would we have married. Going thru all his stuff. Not letting him go by any means necessary. I didn’t have the patience to find out though
Grace – You and me both. No regrets though. I don’t think the “outlast” method would have worked for me, and definitely wouldn’t have worked for my self-esteem!
Grace
July 6th, 2009
9:45 am
Professor this is everyday, and she’s in upper management at that.
lurker
July 6th, 2009
9:45 am
EPO I mean he did not do anything that he figured would result in his death or harming his kids… yes cheating is wrong.. blah, blah, blah. but he never did anything purposefully or that in any way he thought would harm his kids
If you do anything, other than what you should, just because you don’t think detail by detail how it might play out, you should know, you’re opening yourself up to receive your just reward. Now, that could mean, getting caught, getting a disease, getting someone pregnant, having your sidepiece snap, or getting killed. My point is, when you’re a gown azz man, at some point, you should think or at least know how to weigh the pros and cons of your actions…prior to doing anything stupid. More than anything a grown azz man should be of the mindset of: you know, azz on the side is looking mighty good but I better not because….”I could very well get caught or catch a disease or get someone pregnant or find out that ole sidepiece is more crazy than I knew or ole girl (or her man) could kill me. Then what would my kids do without a dad? How would my wife and family feel finding out” That’s what I’m talking about. No, none of us know the outcome of bad decisions but that’s why they say do the right thing, be at the right place at the right time. The risk getting caught up in something while doing dirt far outweights anything happening by chance. The chance of something happening while doing the right thing are slim to none. That’s why folks need to know God exists. He sits high and looks low. And while it may seem like some get away over others…don’t nothing slide. Plain and simple he got his. The outcome speaks for itself. Just like we don’t know for certain all the details and maybe should not assume. We shouldn’t assume that there wasn’t a lot more going on than revealed. Sorry if it seems like there’s no compassion and sorry (because I know) most/others won’t agree. Just my opinion.
Professor
July 6th, 2009
9:47 am
@Grace- you know what I think it is interesting for someone to hold on to another person by any means necessary. I have seen it done and from the outside looking in it is so strange and appears painful like a self inflicted wound that is always open. Relationships like that are too dysfunctional for me to even grasp, much less partake in that foolishness. I do not want to be the last one standing after all of the lies and infidelity, because I know you cannot make chicken salad out of chicken shyt.
lurker
July 6th, 2009
9:48 am
Oh, and that goes for his sidepiece as well.
East Point's Own
July 6th, 2009
9:48 am
lurker bad judgement is bad judgement period. If a grown man walks across the street without looking both ways that’s just as stupid as cheating…perhaps even more stupid. I am going to gou out on a limb and guess that more people are killed crossing the street than in love triangles.
So my question to you was if he were killed while jaywalking would you still say he did something stupid because he did not care enough about being there for the rest of his kids’ lives?
The end result is the same afterall.. a bad decision lead to death in both cases… but would you have such harsh feelings toward him if a mistress were not potentially involved?
AmazonRed™
July 6th, 2009
9:50 am
BTW he could have kept that email, but I guess he had to let you know you should have held on longer…he was trippin on that one.
Professor – He definitely could have kept that email. I hadn’t thought about his azz in years. Though you can’t judge tone over email, it came across as ‘don’t you wish you would have waited.’
He was definitely my most dramatic dating experience. Glad it happened very early in my dating life, cuz it definiely set a bar for what I would allow.
East Point's Own
July 6th, 2009
9:57 am
lurker I must disagree people doing the right thing or nothing are killed every day. I have been held at gunpoint while simply walking down the street from point A to point B.. had I died my only bad decision would have been walking down the street… so I am not buying it. I have a friend who was killed doing his job as a public servant, I have a friend who was shot in the head while sitting at a stoplight(car jacking). You don’t have to make a bad decision to be killed…
On a slightly different note, anything you do can result in death. a couple thousand people died because they decided to go to work on 9/11.. so when do you know its safe to go to work or not? People in London were killed going to work when bombs were placed in the subways… so when is that safe?
Some people just chose to live their lives without assuming that everything will result in death. Perhaps he had accepted the possibility of getting her pregnant, perhaps he had accepted the possibility of STDs. Death is not a consideration in 99% of the things we do good or bad, but anything we do good or bad can lead to death.
Professor
July 6th, 2009
10:01 am
Grace- Side note…I will never forget early in my HR career I had a few guys complain on a female manager for doing the exact thing that lady is doing…the guys stated that they did not want her to file a harassment claim on them for looking because at times it could be distracting and they felt it was best for the company that she followed the dress code as well. I believe they had practiced that statement because they chimed in and out in unison, and it worked (I spoke with the lady and she started wearing polo’s and khakis).
Professor
July 6th, 2009
10:03 am
ARed I agree with those early in life dating experiences. I learned early on what I would and would not do for love. Maybe that is why I am still single because I refuse to cut a fool and deal with a lot of the games just for a ring. I am NOT that chick.
Professor
July 6th, 2009
10:05 am
Lurker I am glad you included the sidepiece as well…
bosseswife
July 6th, 2009
10:08 am
Good Morning All!!!! EPO your 9:48 is so true, he made a bad decesion and unfortunately death was the price he paid. Before you go and start a nu nu clear your path and your are right EPO is like looking both ways.
SexyCool - Sitting on the floor of my soul
July 6th, 2009
10:14 am
Dating a separated individual. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt and the scar from my fight with the soon-to-be ex-wife. (BTW – I was 20yrs old at the time. Coincidental, huh?)
Anyways, I have learned to view separated as still married and newly divorced as a bad decision. When I hear either of those come out of the mouth of a man, I run far and run fast.
Three Words Daily – World keeps turning.
Leggs
July 6th, 2009
10:15 am
Good morning. A lot of good points are being made. Here’s my take:
Won’t be a side piece for any married man. Won’t be “kept” by any married man. Won’t entertain any married man on the phone. I’m not here to help you maintain your vows. I had nothing to do with that ceremony so don’t ask me to be a part of your marriage all the while watching from the sidelines. Hell no!
Don’t know how old McNair was, but the chick he was messing w/was 20 (from what was reported on the news this morning). Quite a few men are simply greedy, dumb arse IDIOTS!
Page1908
July 6th, 2009
10:19 am
Off topic: My cousin in LA got tickets to the Michael Jackson memorial tomorrow at Staples Center. It’s gonna be crazyyyyyyyyyy chaos over there!
Mo (aka Moeisha)
July 6th, 2009
10:24 am
Morning All, gosh I am so freakin sleepy…….
I agree with a lot of what is said so far. I personally would rather deal with someone that is completely free. I know sometimes divorces can take a minute but I just feel like certain things need to be finalized so that you are free to move on without hiccups later. I know things happen, but having something like a divorce lingering just isnt cool to me.
So sad to hear about Steve McNair and even sadder are the circumstances surrounding his death. Such a shock…..
Grace
July 6th, 2009
10:26 am
Professor knowing her, (she’s a rebel) she will say there is nothing in the dress code manual that states she has to wear a bra.
-W8©-(R.I.P. LNJ)
July 6th, 2009
10:27 am
Would I be willing to be a kept man? Heck no.
Jump Off= Someone I could walk away from and be over her in 10 seconds or less
Would I date someone highprofile? Been there done that..
On McNair situation 3 people at fault.
Steve should have not been with another woman like that while married(regardless what type of relationship they had), and what is a 36 year old man doing with a 20 year old woman?
Sahel Kezemi, should not have gotten involved with a married man period, he didnt force her into spending time with him
Mechelle McNair- Where were you lacking as a wife?