Nature of a Man
Since I’m headed to New Orleans for the Essence Music Festival, I was preparing my travel playlist on my ipod. There is a song that Heather Headley sings, Nature of a Man that took me back to a fight I once had with an ex-boyfriend. It was such a silly argument but I think it went so far because it stemmed from our habit of always competing with each other.
Women sometimes find it difficult to find a good balance in letting the man be the man while showing that we are strong enough to be their woman . I think it is important to give men the opportunity to feel needed. It’s a tricky thing to tone down the competitive behavior for me, but it goes a long way when I do.
Ladies, are you a competitive person by nature? Do you find that your competitiveness surfaces in your relationships? Do you think you understand the nature of a man? If you don’t, are you making efforts to?
Guys, do you have things that you prefer the women let you handle when you are dating her? Do you like to call the shots in certain ways? Have you ever had to tell a woman that you don’t want to compete with her?
The Misadventures in Atlanta blog will be closed tomorrow. Have a wonderful and safe holiday weekend.
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236 comments Add your comment
SexyCool - He's a man and I like that.
July 2nd, 2009
9:00 am
First!!!
LOL!
Tazzee - countdown to Essence Music Festival, New Orleans here I come!!!
July 2nd, 2009
9:07 am
Good Morning All! Excited about hopping on that plane tomorrow.
Ladies, are you a competitive person by nature? Yes, I think I mentioned that yesterday. I’m very competitive. At my 5k Saturday I was determined to be the first person that crossed the line pushing a stroller (I had my godson). I think it stems from when my grandma told me at an early age that I can do anything I set my mind to do and if someone else can accomplish it, I have no excuse.
Do you find that your competitiveness surfaces in your relationships? No, not really. My competitiveness only surfaces in competitive situation. Like I said, my demeanor is very different when playing games.
Do you think you understand the nature of a man? If you don’t, are you making efforts to? I haven’t heard the song you referenced so I’m not clear on what you mean by the nature of a man. I do understand that a man needs room to be himself. Meaning if I’m constantly overstepping my boundaries into his territory then I’m nullifying his importance in the relationship. Whatever his territory may be. That is why it’s important to try to understand the nature of my man. His territory is not the same as another man’s territory. I believe all men are the same in that they have to be the provider and protector, but they way they portray those roles may be different.
I’m ready for this workday to end…
-W8©(thoroughbred...)
July 2nd, 2009
9:07 am
I think it’s cute when a woman is competitive. She can call some shots but I always have veto power.
Tazzee - countdown to Essence Music Festival, New Orleans here I come!!!
July 2nd, 2009
9:08 am
SexyCool – LOL, I would’ve been first if I wasn’t trying to post a well thought out comment
– I wish there was an emoticon with a tongue sticking out because I would have inserted that one.
-W8©(thoroughbred...)
July 2nd, 2009
9:10 am
@SexyCool and Tazzee…you two are so competitive….lol
SexyCool - He's a man and I like that.
July 2nd, 2009
9:24 am
As to the topic, I’ve recently met someone who is extremely competitive and makes no apologies for it. He is determined to be a winner in life, by any means necessary.
Given my personal standards of excellence, that is so sexy to ME! I don’t have a problem allowing my man to take the lead. It’s what he’s supposed to do. And while I will not be a doormat or allow myself to be run over (I, too, have a voice.), I don’t have to be competitive at home (read: in a relationship). There is enough I have to compete against in the rest of the world.
I don’t have to prove my competitive nature to him by competing with him. With me, he should be able to come and find refuge from all that he deals with in the rest of the world. I am his partner and his support, not his opponent. I shouldn’t be one more area of his life that he has to show me his is king. I should just allow him to be that because I know that he is capable.
And I’m finding that, with this one, I can be comfortable in that thought because he sees the real me, through the fence that I have up, through the Sexy and the Cool.
Three Words Daily – Winner takes all. lol!
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
9:28 am
Happy “Friday” All!
I’m not a competitive person by nature, but I am self-sufficient by nature. And I’ve been self-sufficient for a long time. I handled my own appointments and schedule in my parents house, I put myself through college, and I handle my business as an adults. I’ve never really asked my parents for money nor anyone else and no one has ever paid a bill for me.
So when a man comes along, it’s hard to relinquish him taking on some of my affairs, even as we’re trying to build a life together. I try to let him know that I do want him and need him around and that I don’t ever want to take away from his “nature” to provide. It’s just that old habits die hard at times. I can definitely see a guy not thinking he’s “needed” when he’s with me, but he is, and most importantly, he’s wanted.
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
9:29 am
@SexyCool and Tazzee…you two are so competitive….lol
W8 –
SexyCool - He's a man and I like that.
July 2nd, 2009
9:30 am
Hey, Taz! Yep, I was first. I was first. Doing my victory dance! lol.
I guess that is kinda competitive.
Sassy Me...juicy fruit and Trini to di bone :-)
July 2nd, 2009
9:36 am
Ladies, are you a competitive person by nature? Do you find that your competitiveness surfaces in your relationships?
Yes I am competitive by nature but it hasn’t surfaced in any of my past relationships….why should/would it if we’re on the same team?
Do you think you understand the nature of a man? If you don’t, are you making efforts to?
Hmmm…the nature of a man..interesting. Since I was a child I always played more with the boys than girls and used to listen to them talk….now that I have more male friends than female I still listen to what they have to say and it’s been quite the learning experience. I’ve learned that men don’t like confrontation,nagging,being asked 100 questions and most importantly they need their space….I don’t like any of these things either so I treat the men in my life the way I would want to be treated. I’ve also learned about the softer side of a man that he only reveals to those closest to him and realize that in alot of those aspects men want the same things women do….sometimes they know how to articulate that and sometimes they don’t and as a woman I’ve learned to recognize that and give him what he needs……..
Raqi
July 2nd, 2009
9:37 am
I am not a competitive person. I don’t have to do or achieve something better than someone else or because someone else is doing it.
I don’t have a problem letting a man be a man. Heck there are some things I don’t even want to take on like a man.
However after having done it all by myself for so long it was hard, and sometimes still is, to let certain responsibilities go. I have no problem letting him do his man thing, provide and protect like Tazzee said, but I had to learn to let him have it. It’s his thing. Why keep holding onto something that he has and was given the physical, mental and emotional capabilities to do? It’s his nature. Let him be who he is.
I don’t have to wear the pants, they are too heavy way, nor do I have to prove that I can wear them just as good as he can.
He stay in his place and I’ll stay in mine.
East Point's Own
July 2nd, 2009
9:38 am
What does this mean? —> Women sometimes find it difficult to find a good balance in letting the man be the man while showing that we are strong enough to be their woman .
Either you are strong enough or you are not. You should not have to balance anything, just be yourself. If you are constanlty told you are too aggressive or too competitive then you may decide to change that for yourself, and then let the chips fall where they may… but you should not have to balance these two things as they relate to s specific man, because eventually you are gonna stop trying or have a bad day and forget to keep tyring and you will have problems.
I personally do not want to deal with a woman who wants to compete with me in anything that is not a sport, video game, card game, or board game….(well we can compete in the bedroom too but that’s a whole nother topic.) In the rest of our lives we should not compete, but we should complement each other to make one force acting in unison toward a better life for us both.
http://hispointofview.com/2009/07/a-long-road/
Leggs
July 2nd, 2009
9:40 am
Good morning. I am not a competitive person. I so enjoy my man being the man and I supporting him. He will be the man and I will be all woman.
@Tazzee, since there isn’t an emoticon for one sticking there tongue out, try this….pppppppfffffffttttt! Ha ha ha!
Sassy Me...juicy fruit and Trini to di bone :-)
July 2nd, 2009
9:40 am
So when a man comes along, it’s hard to relinquish him taking on some of my affairs, even as we’re trying to build a life together. I try to let him know that I do want him and need him around and that I don’t ever want to take away from his “nature” to provide. It’s just that old habits die hard at times. I can definitely see a guy not thinking he’s “needed” when he’s with me, but he is, and most importantly, he’s wanted.
AmRed I think we’re related or something. I went through that in my last relationshiip andit damaged it for a bit until I trusted my then S.O. enough to relinquish some of my power and “let him be the man”. It was so hard but I learned a good lesson from it.
Professor
July 2nd, 2009
9:40 am
Good Morning All:
Yes I am a competitive person by nature. Although I like to compete on fun stuff in a relationship (I have been known to race my dates in the parking lot) I do not like certain types of competition in a relationship.
I am looking forward to seeing the fellas answer this one:
Guys, do you have things that you prefer the women let you handle when you are dating her? IMO if the guy states that he is going to handle it, and as a single woman I am used to handling everything he is going to pee me off if he does not take care of it.
Leggs
July 2nd, 2009
9:40 am
You know I meant “their”
Raqi
July 2nd, 2009
9:43 am
There is enough I have to compete against in the rest of the world.
SexyCool that is how I feel about men in general, and good men even more. They leave the house in the morning going to war. Why put the undue burden on them when they get home? Like you said I am no one’s door mat but I am not always up for a challenge or competition either when it comes to the man I am with.
Home is suppose to be the haven of peace. You come home to refuel.
Professor
July 2nd, 2009
9:45 am
Listed below you will find a list of things that I would love to relinquish the next time I am in a relationship:
1. Taking out the trash
2. Bringing in groceries
3. Worrying about the lawn (I can take care of the flowers, but I even hate calling the lawn guy)
4. Being bothered with car repairs (car repairs make me physically sick and that’s for real)
5. Keeping the car clean
6. Mopping the kitchen floor (ooh if he doesn’t mine mopping I will marry him)
Replacing the light bulbs (I have one that I cannot reach…)
main lurker
July 2nd, 2009
9:46 am
GM Melo…the question posed yesterday evening (as I went back to read) was not me. You made referenced to a conversation typed the day before. Not that it’s that important but just thought I’d say it.
-W8©(thoroughbred...)
July 2nd, 2009
9:48 am
@Sassy- Your 9:36 is nice
@SexyCool- Have you gotten “boo’d up” on the sly? Congrats
main lurker
July 2nd, 2009
9:48 am
No need to be competitive, just be yourself. There’s enough thunder for both to have in a relationship.
Professor
July 2nd, 2009
9:49 am
EPO I agree 100%
Professor
July 2nd, 2009
9:52 am
@SCool congrats on the new guy you met. He sounds like a good one, in fact I could have used that entire post to describe the guy that I am getting to know. I guess that is why I stated a few days ago I will take a break especially if it does not work out. Congrats again…
anonymousella
July 2nd, 2009
9:53 am
i’m less competitive than i am territorial. if i have a Thing, it’s MY Thing and i’ma have a problem if you try to be all up in it.
ex: one of my hobbies is painting. i like to think i’m good at it when i do it. now, if my man decided to start painting, i’d be annoyed. especially if he was better at it than me. i’m The Artsy One DANG IT. that’s part of my self-identity and i’ma need you to stop infringing on it please. i give my man that same kind of space.
as for letting him feel needed? nah. he knows hat i don’t need him and that he had better act right if he wants me to keep wanting him. i love The Intended to pieces, but i know how to get along just fine without him and vice-versa. i make sure he knows that he is an important person in my life, but his role in it is quite dependent on how well he treats me. so far, so good
.
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
9:53 am
I went through that in my last relationshiip andit damaged it for a bit until I trusted my then S.O. enough to relinquish some of my power and “let him be the man”. It was so hard but I learned a good lesson from it.
Sassy – I don’t think I ever really have. If you have your place and I have mine, then our finances don’t need to mix, and our lifestyles don’t need to mix. I’m always in disbelief a little when my friends in relationships are like “he paid this bill or bought this.” Not like I think it’s wrong, just foreign to me.
It’s just more of an even split for me. If he’s at my place, I’m taking care of him. And if I’m at his he is taking care of me. I mean, he will make sure my car is running and that maintenance issues are taken care of…but yeah, the “separate togetherness” is really all I’ve ever known.
-W8©(thoroughbred...)
July 2nd, 2009
9:55 am
@Raqi-your 9:43..amen amen..Home is supposed to be a safe haven…
@Professor-not a bad list….but mopping the floor? You have abetter chance hitting the lotto..lmao
@Leggs- You must be the only woman from NY who is not competitive…lol..just kidding.
East Point's Own
July 2nd, 2009
9:56 am
Re: AmazonRed 9:28 am post and Professor 9:45 post
So when a man meets a woman who is used to being self sufficient, yet they both maintain seperate households, what do you expect for him to do to help make you life easier, considering you don’t hand him a list like the Professor probably does… LoL How do you let a guy know what he can help you with?
Secondly considering all that he does to maintain his own household, do women consider that a dude might really not want to have to be Mr handyman, mr lawn man, mr grocery man,etc… at his house and at your house?
Thirdly if you have everything under control does it offend you or make you think less of him if your guy doesn’t do things at your house unless you ask him for help? I don’t mean is is lazy or inconsiderate, but he may not want to encroach on your sense of being an independent woman who has it all under control. Meaning if you are a woman who prides herself in surviving on your own should a man keep trying to do things for you, or sit back and just date and let you ask for help when you need it?
http://hispointofview.com/2009/07/a-long-road/
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
9:56 am
Professor – And he can definitely take over the bug killing duties!!!
Professor
July 2nd, 2009
9:56 am
I know the mopping would be the extra cherry on top! I guess it will be me or Molly Maid with the mopping…lol.
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
9:56 am
I wish there was an emoticon with a tongue sticking out because I would have inserted that one.
Tazzee –
Professor
July 2nd, 2009
9:58 am
ARed that is a good one…please add that one
Leggs
July 2nd, 2009
10:03 am
@W8 ~ I am not competitive in a relationship. I love the role the man should have and I definitely know my role.
All you guys getting boo’d up…Yay, my turn is a coming!
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
10:06 am
EPO – First of all, independent and self sufficient are two different things. Please don’t label me with the “independent” woman tag.
Secondly, if he maintains his house and I maintain mine, he’s made my life easier already. When I’m with him, I’m being taken care of. If I’m hungry, he’s cooking or picking something up for us to eat. He’s making his place comfortable for me to be around. And vice versa when he’s at my place.
Secondly, if he is maintaining his own household, I don’t really care if he doesn’t want to be Mr. Handyman at mine. I’m not asking him for anything constant or elaborate. So if he has a problem he can skip on down the road.
Thirdly, like I said, my house is mine. I don’t expect him to do anything around my house unless he offers or I ask. And when I do ask, I’m not asking him to build a deck. I’m asking him to lift something heavy or check something out.
Raqi
July 2nd, 2009
10:07 am
There are so many things in life that I did because it is what I had to do. I did not sit around waiting for someone to take care of me and mine. I just got out there and did it. I learned that quickly after the termination of my second actual relationship. Going forth from there I did what had to be done. It became my life. After getting married to my present, and even some situations before marriage, I have been told many times “you don’t have to do “that” anymore, that’s my job”.
The many times that I did step out there to still do it, it was not because I am was in competition with him but merely because it was a just what I was used to doing. Somethings I still do but many I have learned to let go and stop stressing over.
SexyCool - Subliminaaaaaaaaaal Messaaaggeeeeeeessss!!!!!
July 2nd, 2009
10:08 am
Boo’d up? Don’t know if I’d call it that just yet. We haven’t had that conversation. He’s someone that I’ve met and am getting to know and I like what I am seeing. He’s behind my fence and he knows it.
I am interested in seeing how this all unfolds. And I do believe that when all is told, it will be RATHER interesting.
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
10:10 am
ARed that is a good one…please add that one
And yes, I have called him from his separate house and asked him to come to mine and kill a bug.
The ArTist
July 2nd, 2009
10:15 am
In the words of Andre 3000 “You know what I really wanna know?
Where do all the good girls go?
What club they hang at?”
That’s what I want to know
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
10:18 am
I have been told many times “you don’t have to do “that” anymore, that’s my job”.
Raqi – The minute I’m told this, I’m letting him do it! Reminds me of the Cosby Show episode where Cliff told Elvin to let the woman handle it when she said she’s got it. I’m throwing the pickle jar down and throwing up my hands!
Professor
July 2nd, 2009
10:20 am
EPO no I will not give him a list…LOL, but I have a demanding schedule (at times…like now) so if I am out of town for a few days and need help getting things in order it is always nice for him to offer to pitch in. No I don’t want him to be the handyman, but I would like for him to be a considerate man. For me it is truly the small stuff and offering/asking what I can I do? You know what at the end of the day I will do the same for him.
-W8©(thoroughbred...)
July 2nd, 2009
10:22 am
@Ared- your 10:06 is the realest thing I have ever seen you post
@The Artist- you see the message in what Dre was trying to convey in that verse..lol
Tazzee - countdown to Essence Music Festival, New Orleans here I come!!!
July 2nd, 2009
10:23 am
EPO – my man maintains his own house but I never had to ask him to do any of the things Professor listed – he just started doing them on his own. And he does everything Professor listed except 3 because I live in a townhome and 5 because a mobile car wash company that comes to my job every week.
The thing is, I believe a man will naturally do those things for a woman if he really cares for her. No need to ask. Just like I naturally do things for him like fix his plate, iron his shirts, etc. These are things that I already do for myself but I gladly do for my mate.
Tazzee - countdown to Essence Music Festival, New Orleans here I come!!!
July 2nd, 2009
10:25 am
Now killing bugs? I do ask him to do that
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
10:26 am
@Ared- your 10:06 is the realest thing I have ever seen you post
W8 – It’s always funny to me when folks say stuff like this. Everything I post is real. My 10:06 is just something I posted that struck you more than others.
Professor
July 2nd, 2009
10:26 am
@Tazzee…now that’s what I am talking about!!! I agree with you it comes naturally.
Ok gang I am probably gone for the day…so have a safe holiday.
-W8©(thoroughbred...)
July 2nd, 2009
10:27 am
Question why are women so quick to get in a mans face …but yet are scared of little bugs?
-W8©(thoroughbred...)
July 2nd, 2009
10:28 am
@Ared- dont think that deep on it..just given you some props…..CHUMP..now what..lol
The ArTist
July 2nd, 2009
10:29 am
W8©(thoroughbred…) Yeah there is some real meaning behind that song!
I think a man should be allowed to be a man and so should a woman. But so often one or both parties aren’t willing to step up to the plate. Play your role 100% of the time not just when its convenient!
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
10:29 am
Question why are women so quick to get in a mans face …but yet are scared of little bugs?
W8 – I don’t do either.
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
10:29 am
(get in a man’s face or a bug’s face, that is.
)
AmazonRed™
July 2nd, 2009
10:31 am
@Ared- dont think that deep on it..just given you some props…..CHUMP..now what..lol
W8 – Yes sir. Thank you sir.