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Archive for July, 2009

Crossed the Line, Now What?

I read somewhere that every healthy relationship has boundaries. That invisible line in the sand that you would never cross, under no circumstances. Riddle me this, what happens to the boundaries when you are in love? Why is it that otherwise normal people toss out their logic and reasoning when they are head over heels?

It’s like being caught up in “the haze of love” completely blinds one to their boundaries. The next thing you know, you are hacking email accounts, looking at text messages, or something equally psycho. Would you be able to get past your date’s behavior if they crossed your relationship boundaries? Did you regret it?

My friend Paul said that he once forgave a young lady for looking through the photos on his laptop without asking. That was just one sign of how nosy and insecure she was about his female friends. They dated for a while but he thinks that the photo thing was a red flag that he ignored.

Have you ever crossed the line with someone you were dating? …

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Can I Get Open-Ended?

I used to think that relationships always reached a point where you either had to break up or get married.  The end of the road just comes up and you have to make a decision about what to do next. I’m sure this still applies to many couples, but it seems as if some of us prefer/need/seek to have open-ended relationships.

What are these open-ended relationships? Some of you may be in one right now. They are the pseudo relationships that don’t consist of much relating at all. One or both of you are saying and doing just enough to keep the person around and interested. Perhaps you are waiting for someone better to come along, just in case. These don’t end well, usually. Both individuals deserve better than to be in a non-relationship, wasting time and energy.

I think it is always good dating practice to let someone know that you have absolutely no intention of getting married or being exclusive. At least let them know what to expect. So how do you date someone with no goal of …

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Testing, Testing

Whether he is a player or a great guy, some men have a way of screening women to qualify her, so to speak. From the moment they spot her the initial screening test begins. He is really curious about her and wants to know what she is about and what caliber of woman she is.

The information they gather through their random tests help them determine different things about the woman. Things such as her desperation level, her patience, her perception, her inhabitations, even her “sanity”.

Now, I am not knocking the men for their pre-relationship/marriage screening tests. I believe that there are just some things men need to be sure about before they give up their bachelor lifestyle and freedom.  I have experienced a few male tests in my dating career. Some I failed miserably, and some I passed.

Ladies, chime in with any dating tests you have administered or experienced on/with men. Guys, tell us about the tests that women have put you through.

How do you know when your “dating …

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Sowing Wild Oats

There is a common perception about single people, especially single men, that the allure of sowing our wild oats is keeping us single. Apparently, we are too busy and satisfied, to settle down with one person. I’m sure that is the case for some single people. They are reaping the benefits of the “buffet”, dating a variety of people, experimenting, etc. Do you think that this is this a good thing or a bad thing?

Is it good to sow our wild oats? Do you even have wild oats?! I don’t think I do, and I am definitely not sowing anything, but that’s just me.

What do you think single people should be doing before they settle down?

Should single people “get it out of their systems” so that when they are married, it won’t be a problem to be commited? If you are married or have been married, did you have something you wanted to do before you settled? Did it make any difference?

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Light-Switch Moments

I was reading about NBA player, Richard Jefferson’s canceled wedding not long after a reader sent me an article about men and their light-switch moments. The author says that some men have light-switch moments when they just sort of suddenly realize that the woman they are dating is the one.

It seems like the light-switch moments happen pretty organically. It’s not because a women coerced or manipulated him, or strong-armed him into marriage. So a man’s decision to get engaged kind of feels like a light-switch moment when the light-bulb comes on, and he is ready to make the move.

I wondered if Richard Jefferson had a light-switch “off” button? When men figure out the woman of his dreams is closer to the nightmare, does it happen in the same way?

Guys, if you have ever proposed or thought of proposing, did it feel like a light-switch moment? Did you just suddenly see that it was the right time and the right woman? What about when you realized you needed to break up with …

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Everything Old Is New Again

The results of the Great Male Survey 2009 from Askmen.com are in. I eagerly anticipate this each year (no sarcasm, really) because it’s like getting a small peek into a cross-section of men that are in my dating pool. From what I can tell, modern men are still big on tradition: “When it comes to the romantic front, everything old is new again”  I feel that this is a great thing to hear, for the most part.  That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with some of the ideas that come with that though.

The Dating & Sex part of the survey had a lot of great questions. I would be interested to hear some of our male readers to respond to the first five: Do you believe that you have a soul mate? What is the most important personality trait that makes a woman “relationship material”? Is it important for a girlfriend to have “wife potential”? Do you believe in marriage? How important is it to you for your future wife to sign a prenup?

Ladies, the Great Female Survey was given by Yahoo’s female …

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The Truth Is, You’re Sexy (For Now)

My friend Ian was talking about the two women he was interested in recently. One of them is kind, has a lot going for her, and is attractive. The other is “stunning”, a little distant towards him, and is giving him mixed signals.

I asked him which one he got along with the best and he said they both are cool. But he thinks that Ms. Attractive has the potential of losing her looks. At first, I thought this was an extremely shallow way of thinking.  Then I thought about Ian and his obsession with his own looks.

I believe a lot of people have this fear about themselves and sometimes they project it on others. I suppose it’s a real concern for him personally, therefore, he thinks the same way about his future wife.  If you are seeking a long-term partner, do you ever worry about their looks fading?

Perhaps you’ve heard the following before: If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, Never make a pretty woman your wife. A man is only as faithful as his options. So basically …

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We Can’t Be Friends?

If you have ever started out as friends then started a romantic relationship, sometimes a funny thing happens. Honesty has no place in the new relationship. At least, not the same honesty that existed in the friendship. The dynamics of a love relationship can transform the way individuals relate and communicate with one another.

Why do you think that is? Why can’t a man and woman be friends and be in a relationship? Are there some complicated rules and expectations in relationships that don’t work in a friendship?

Have you ever been friends with someone for a long time and then became romantically involved? Did the “full disclosure” that you had as friends leave when you became a couple?

What about emotional honesty?  Why do women say they want their man to be honest about their emotions, then get upset when they say something that hurts their feelings? Are we sure we want all that honesty?

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Complicated

I really dig complex men. Those extremely cerebral types really do it for me. In the past, my questionable choices in men have often backfired on me. I think part of problem was that I was often drawn to the tortured soul. In my head, I glamorized their personality as complex and complicated. Someone who thought deeper, felt intense emotions, and challenged me. Yeah, NO.

The reality was they didn’t think all that deeply, their emotions stayed on the “cold” side, and I wasn’t being challenged, I was being barked at and berated. It took some heart break and a restraining order to realize that crazy is not the same as complicated.

A truly complicated, complex person won’t hide behind empty rhetoric or ambiguity. They may start out guarded, but they will give you access when you have proven yourself trustworthy. Then you peel away the layers and realize that complex can be a very positive attribute.

I don’t want to paint all complex people with the same brush. I still feel drawn …

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Forgive and forget?

When you are fresh off  a painful break up you aren’t always thinking clearly.  If  your ex has been particularly grimy and awful to you, you probably want them to feel the same amount of distress that they inflicted on you.  This is when you need a voice of reason (not a partner in crime!) to talk you off the crazy cliff.

I’m not the type to exact revenge on men who have wronged me.  I’ve done my own dirt and karma has visited my address, plenty of times. Sometimes it’s really best to let go and move on.

I have to admit that there are those moments that I think about getting revenge on an ex-boyfriend though.  I dwell on it for a few hours and start cooking up some crazy idea to make him miserable.  Do you ever think of an ex who you hurt you? How do you let all that go?

Have you ever done something crazy and irresponsible to get back at an ex?  Did it make you feel better at all?

How do you learn to forgive and forget without taking revenge?

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