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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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Delusions of Grandeur

Since I write about dating here, I usually pay attention to the latest books that offer insight about it.  I often find that the authors will either amuse me, irritate me, or flat out confuse me. Well, this new book does all three!

Because I am a foot soldier for romance on the love battlefield, I took a closer look at “The Rating Game.”  It’s a fool proof formula for finding your soul mate <– marketing gold, no?  The author, Reba Toney said in this interview that the formula works like this: “You rate yourself and then you rate the people you’re interested in dating. That way you only date people that rate the same as you.”

I could list my gripes with this theory, but basically I think many of us have delusions of grandeur. If your perception of yourself is such that you don’t honestly know how you should “rate” yourself, then you might throw off that “fool proof” formula just a bit.

Ms. Toney said that the rating system focuses on four categories: face, body, personality, and life situation. Each category is rated from one to 10. Now, if you gave yourself a ranking, what do you think it would be? Would you be able to find a match with the exact ranking as you gave yourself? Do you think these four areas covers it all?

Maybe I am Captain Obvious here but don’t single people already date individuals they are interested in based on attraction and compatibility?  Is rating done in an unspoken way?

322 comments Add your comment

Cemeeli

June 30th, 2009
8:34 am

WiseDiva! Good Morning…How was your birthday weekend, sis? I hope you enjoyed.

Dan

June 30th, 2009
8:47 am

You are correct, madam.

We each rate a potential partner on a number of attributes: physical, mental, abilities (perceived and defined), etc.

In “rating” others, we often fail to rate ourselves. While being aware of our own perceived negatives, we sometimes fail to recognize and embrace the positive aspects of who we are.

Overrating oneself can be a hazard, but underating one’s capacity (in particular to what we have to offer a mate), could be just as dangerous.

BTW, what did you do for the C-day?

mytw♥cents...flaws and all

June 30th, 2009
8:48 am

That IS comical, WD. I have to write me a book right after I cut me a record…people eat this kinda bs up.

The thing about tryna match arbitrary ratings is that everyone’s hierarchy is different. One woman’s “10″ isn’t another’s “10.” Further, you may rate yourself a 6 in one category that a potential would give you an 8 in. And that subtext is actually what relationships are bred from in my view. Finding someone who appreciates you in ways you may never even expect and who you want to build up… help increase their confidence or encourage them with their opportunities for improvement.

Professor

June 30th, 2009
8:56 am

It’s a beautiful morning!

Ok I just read the interview and I agree on the fact that dating down can cause a few problems, if someone is insecure, but that is another story. As for women judging themselves by their worst qualities call me vain because my ego is about to take over, but that is not I. Every morning before I leave my home I say another Prayer (I pray as soon as I wake up) and I say my affirmations on how great I look, feel and how smart I am. I think I have been saying these affirmations a bit too much because I always feel that I am the best thing going.

I don’t think I could find a person with the exact rating I gave myself because her system is flawed. No these four areas are just the tip of the iceberg, the author left out some core areas that are mandatory…IMO. Personally I would take loyalty and respect over looks any day.

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
8:59 am

WiseDiva – I meant to wish you a happy birthday yesterday. Hope you had a great day!

Professor

June 30th, 2009
9:04 am

Ok, I must stand on my soapbox. As a society are we so far from connecting with each other that we need to do math problems just to figure out if a person is right or wrong for us? What happened to just talking (not texting) and spending in-person time with someone (checking out his/her vibe) and determining if they fit? I remember years ago I read a story in the Sunday’s paper about this couple met and spent the entire day together like 10-12 hours just talking and stuff. The guy proposed to the lady once the day was over (he was being deployed to war), and they wrote each other and married when he came back…different era, but I bet they covered a lot of ground that day.

I guess when I read articles about doing the math and I look at the dating games being played I think I will take another break from dating.

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
9:05 am

Face, body, personality and life situation? That’s it? Well, if only if it were that simple…

Would you be able to find a match with the exact ranking as you gave yourself?

I think it’s not a stretch to find someone on par with what I rate myself in terms of face, body and personality.

When it comes to life situation, that’s a mixed bad. I haven’t had a rough life situation. Sure there are trials and tribulations, but I can’t expect everyone to come from the same situation as me. Heck, it’s hard enough to find someone whose parents are still together. Our life situations are unique fingerprint. So it doesn’t really matter what you’ve come from, it’s how you’ve used it to get to where you are today. Though, I will say that if you’ve had a history of “running the streets” or making bad choices and have just recently seen the light, I’m giving you a side eye. Just being honest.

Good morning everyone.

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
9:06 am

Whoops, that should have read “mixed bag”

Kym--one day and counting.

June 30th, 2009
9:06 am

Happy Belated Birthday Wisey..

You know what I am in to good a mood to even think about this topic..so yeahh what 2cents said I agree with.

JtJ

June 30th, 2009
9:08 am

Hi GUYS!!!! ARED, CEE, MELO, LEGGS, PROFESSOR, BEAUTIFUL, DAN, ETC…….Thanks for all your well wishes of my engagement. I know the 2nd time is definately the charm!!

@ MELO……..My fiance appreciated your comment about my FINE -NESS and LONG LEGS….lol.

I have to sneak and post before IT arrives, so I gotta go. HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

Cemeeli

June 30th, 2009
9:09 am

Hey!

…Okay….So what if we used a particular food as the “rating system”…

STEAKS

- Porterhouse – Two sides (tender & smart)

- Ribeye – Classic tender heart

- T-Bone – Distinguished favorite

- New York Strip – Ultimate smart azz

- Filet Mignon – Stylish

- Top Sirlion – Tough exterior but soft inside.

- Filet Fraud <— :lol: Don’t be fooled!!!

- Tenderlion – Not the most flavorful but awe so enticing!

So in the “Steak Rating” system what kind of steak are you?

…We talked about eggs yesturday so let’s stay foucused people!!! :wink:

Professor

June 30th, 2009
9:13 am

Hey Cee!

Although I do not eat beef or pork…it has been 17 years…I am a Filet Mignon and New York Strip…Lol

i'm swiss (aka Buckshot Prior)

June 30th, 2009
9:17 am

Cee — C’mon now… you know we’re in the south — you can’t leave out chicken fried steak

On topic — Hmmm… sounds like a cheap ploy to sell some books to me. As far as I’m concerned — screw finding a girl that matches my rating… I’m marrying waaaay above my rating in each of those categories, and couldn’t be happier about it. Of course, I do have my talents — they just don’t fit neatly into those categories… :lol:

Cemeeli

June 30th, 2009
9:17 am

Filet Mignon aka NY Strip – I should write a column in a Food circular…i came up with that rating system spin, from WiseDiva’s reading about “Delusions of Grandeur”. Girl i thought about food! lol

I’m going to ask my folks what i would be….:)

dw

June 30th, 2009
9:17 am

I don’t think you can use just these four categories and really know who YOU are much less who you want to date. However, I agree with the basic principle of the theory in that one must do a thorough and honest self-evaluation prior to determining the type of person that would be right for them in a relationship.

Professor (Filet Mignon and New York Strip)

June 30th, 2009
9:19 am

I agree Swiss she just want to sell books. I need to write and sell me a book on dating or something…

kinderbabe

June 30th, 2009
9:20 am

@Dan and Professor

Great comments and very true.

@Cee

That is a very cute rating system…hmmm. i consider myself to be a little new york strip and a little ribeye.:)

Me-Me

June 30th, 2009
9:21 am

Enter your comments here

Me-Me

June 30th, 2009
9:22 am

Morning! Have a great day/weekend bloggers..HAPPY BELATED B’DAY WD…

HOLLA ;)

http://www.blackthen.com

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
9:23 am

Cemeeli – Did you make up these categories, or did you find it somewhere?

When I’m dining out, I’m ordering the filet mignon!

For purposes of this blog, I’m okay with being the NY Strip. :lol:

Professor (Filet Mignon and New York Strip)

June 30th, 2009
9:25 am

@DW I agree about the self-evaluation and knowing yourself before trying to connect with someone else. I can tell you this from a dating prospective and classroom prospective (I am not trying to bring the Professor out this morning) you will be surprised at how many people do not know what they want, who they are or what they are good at (competitive advantage). On the first night of class I always ask students to give me a competitive advantage and it never fails that someone tells me I never thought about what I am really good at…I really don’t know….

Cemeeli

June 30th, 2009
9:27 am

- Chicken fried steak – Country and quality.

P.S. Cooking environment begin with hot pipping temps….

And so i will be. :lol:

Thanks Swiss

Cemeeli

June 30th, 2009
9:29 am

ARed – I just “spinned” the rating system as i had stated to Filet Mignon.

..and don’t steal it…

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
9:33 am

I think I will take another break from dating.

Professor – I hear this from women regularly. What would be the purpose of doing such a thing?

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
9:34 am

..and don’t steal it…

Trust me I won’t. :D

Sassy Me...juicy fruit and Trini to di bone :-)

June 30th, 2009
9:39 am

Cameeli interesting choices but hard for me to choose b/c my personality is something to deal with,surely….depeendeing on the situation I’m a New York Strip with a touch of Top Sirloinfirst and foremost…I’m all Porterhouse while I’m in the lab at the CDC and all Filet Mignon when I’m out on the town.

Would you be able to find a match with the exact ranking as you gave yourself? Do you think these four areas covers it all?

I’m not sure about the whole ranking thing b/c some of seems a bit silly and trite at times and doesn’t always work. I think we should take away all of these “rules” on how to “play the game” and just be. Attraction is usually physical first and all else follows….keeping in mind that physicality alone can’t maintain or sustain a relationship and nor should it. I know for a fact that I can be an upfront in your face type personality that not alot of people understand…would I want to date someone just like me….that would be interesting to say the least. I take work….not meaning I’m a difficult person you just gotta get to know me like Maxwell says…. :lol: :mrgreen:

Good morning errbody!!

Professor (Filet Mignon and New York Strip)

June 30th, 2009
9:40 am

ARed,

What would be the purpose of doing such a thing?

I will only speak for me not all women on this one. There have been times in my life when I wanted to step back and reflect and just rejuvenate. Personally I need a break from the games and lies that are often played and I find solace in my timeout from dating. When I see all of the games that are played (although I eliminate that junk from my life) it feels like I am living in a house with no fresh air, so taking a break from dating gives me the air that I need. The funny thing is I am a musician, sometimes I can just tell I need a break from the music I am playing. Long story short, taking a break from dating restores me.

Melo

June 30th, 2009
9:41 am

@ MELO……..My fiance appreciated your comment about my FINE -NESS and LONG LEGS….lol.

U welcome baby.Tell him,he got a good eye!

Good morning pple!!

Cemeeli

June 30th, 2009
9:43 am

Kinderteach I was feeling Ribeye or Tenderlion for you. But not a smart azz, at all. Poor kiddies got a NY Strip for a teacher!!!

ARed Whew…i’m glad you understood the answer to “spinning” …cause yesturday you scared me. :razz:

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
9:43 am

Personally I need a break from the games and lies that are often played and I find solace in my timeout from dating

Professor – Thanks. So does this mean that in your “break” you wouldn’t give a guy a chance during this time?

See, I live alone and therefore I have a lot of alone time or me time. While my dating life is more active at times than others, I don’t think I can say I’ve gone on an actual break. I may slow down, but I don’t think I’d turn down someone who I felt was sincere.

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
9:45 am

cause yesturday you scared me.

The feeling is mutual. :D

Cemeeli

June 30th, 2009
9:49 am

Sassy – Girl are you constipated! All that beef.

lol..i’m am really crackin’ myself up today!

ARed Gal, it’s ‘all good’ to be off a day…we all have our days.

…aaaaaaand this^^^ is #3. – You know my rule.

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
9:50 am

we all have our days.

Cemeeli – I noticed. Hopefully you’ll be on today.

mytw♥cents...flaws and all

June 30th, 2009
9:51 am

THE D is very much on point with the Hazards of Over & Under. Methinks he has on his corduroy blazer with the suede elbow patches…even in this heat. ;)

CEE I can probably be all on any day of the week cept Tenderloin cuz I’m chock full’o flava and uhm Fraud of any kind ain’t never gonna be committed by moi.

COUNTDOWN KYM Glad the vacay got you giddy. Shall we detox upon your return?

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
9:51 am

And no, I don’t know your rule.

Professor (Filet Mignon and New York Strip)

June 30th, 2009
9:51 am

ARed,

You asked a good question on whether or not I will give a guy a chance during my break. In the past I have not given guys a chance during this self inflicted time alone, but I cannot recall meeting anyone of substance during this time.

I live alone as well, and I have “me” time, but I work a lot. Usually I take a break when I find myself getting worn-out by the games. As I type this I think that is just my personality even when I was little I would take “my ball” and go in the house for a break when I became tired of my cousins cheating in kickball…LOL. So I guess I have a pattern…

i'm swiss (aka Buckshot Prior)

June 30th, 2009
9:53 am

“- Chicken fried steak – Country and quality.”

Cee — Ah, see you took the classy route… I was gonna go with “delicious when covered with gravy…” :lol:

Kym--one day and counting.

June 30th, 2009
9:55 am

@MyTwo My fam has added VEGAS to this trip so yes detox will be needed upon return.

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
9:55 am

I was gonna go with “delicious when covered with gravy…”

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Melo

June 30th, 2009
9:56 am

On topic:

I kinda agree with the author.
We all smell ourselves smewhat and do rate ourselves,albeit, mentally.Most times, or shld i say,on the initial surface,pple are looking at themseleves and others from a physical perspective and saying,shes good or nah,she aint up to my par.We doing that based on what we deem wld be an equal or on-par companion based on our own rating of oursleves.
Even on the so called lyfe situations,there are some dramas we can take and yet others we wont tolerate,even tho shaquita,tryna,tiny,boo-li and rayray may not have a problem with a partner with 5 baby daddies,six gold teeth and 3 felony convictions.Its because those who accept that contigent into their lives have rated themselves along the same lines/grade boo-li,rayray,tiny an’ dem do rate themselves as well!!
So i summise that what the author is saying is going on all the time.
The only difference is we arent sitting down to right up that stuff.
Good morning uall!

AmazonRed™ - I talk like this cause I can back it up

June 30th, 2009
9:57 am

Professor – Thanks for the answer, I was just curious.

Interesting thing to note, I have a couple friends who are engaged right now. They were “fed up” with dating and decided they weren’t going to do it anymore. And then they met their husbands.

So maybe there is something to it.

kimmie-Her Royal Highness the Dutchess

June 30th, 2009
9:58 am

Good morning blog fam!

Yeah, this was all to sell books, but I’ll play along! I do think we all mentally rate potential dates – some more actively than others. As for rating someones face, body & personality – that’s all in the eye of the beholder. “Rating” oneself can be tricky. A very high self rating might be perceived as overconfidence or vanity. Low self rating might indicate low self esteem. We all probably actually fall right along the middle overall, with some rating higher in other areas than others. No one is perfect, and we all have opportunities for improvement. I agree with Amred about life situation:”Our life situations are unique fingerprint. So it doesn’t really matter what you’ve come from, it’s how you’ve used it to get to where you are today.”

I was talking to a friend this morning and I’ve said this before on the blog: I see people everyday that according to conventional wisdom, are doing everything “wrong” or would probably “rank” very low in some areas, but they have partners or spouses. So SOMEBODY bought what they were selling!

Leggs (Karyn)

June 30th, 2009
9:58 am

Good morning everyone.

Who will be the first to come on and say “it’s not how you rate yourself.”

Anyway, have to say this about the dumbest statement I heard on GMA this morning. Talking about Michael Jackson, someone in his camp said “I knew it was only a matter of time and one day he would wake up and find himself dead.” WTH, did you just hear yourself?

I am Ribeye/Filet Mignon!

kimmie-Her Royal Highness the Dutchess

June 30th, 2009
10:00 am

Hey Sister Cee! – I’ll say like my grandmother says – Sometimes I could really use a nice “steak dinner”!

Cemeeli

June 30th, 2009
10:01 am

mytwoforks Jamaican beef steak could be “our” anthem on ANY day. I’m feeling you on the day’s you are “full of flava” cause you never cease to amaze me!

I’d wish you’d not relish when Dan to don the blazer with suede elbow patches. wow

Swiss “delicious when covered with gravy”

Totally not feeling that one ^^^^….i’m not a “gravy” person.

kinderbabe

June 30th, 2009
10:02 am

@Cee
can’t i dream and have a slightly tough gal image? that’s why i had to throw in a lil new york strip. i couldn’t say i was ALL ribeye or tenderloin…lol. ok, i lose, you are right.:)

Leggs (Karyn)

June 30th, 2009
10:08 am

BTW, I definitely can be A NY Strip at any given moment. :wink:

Mo (aka Moeisha-Ribeye/Top Sirloin)

June 30th, 2009
10:18 am

Morning All!!

Leggs – I was LMAO at ‘wake up and find himself dead’….really?!?!

Cemeeli – like the steak metaphors

Kimmie – alright chica, I mean ‘Dutchess’ !

Not Every Man Wants A...RAQI (Romans 12:3)

June 30th, 2009
10:19 am

“You rate yourself and then you rate the people you’re interested in dating. That way you only date people that rate the same as you,” Bullcrap!!!

Do people perceive themselves correctly? <= = = That right there is the correct question.

Ms. Toney is encouraging people to continue in what the problem today actually is. Folks think of themselves more highly than what they ought. Don’t get me wrong, no one should put themselves down but just be honest with yourself as to who and what you really are.

Women and men both are passing over good matches because they think they are a step above those the scale of those individuals when actually some are falling beneath that scale. We hear a lot of wo/men saying “I am always being approached by XYZ type of wo/men. They must be out of their mind if they think I want to date them?” Guess what, those types of wo/men are only responding to what they see and what you are putting out there. It’s your magnet that is attracting them. They are probably more honest about the real you than you are.

Mason and I were laughing at the Eharmony commercial once and at how cute and perfect the couples were. And I think Eharmony uses a personality system to match couples. If that is the case and those couples have better long term success than others Ms. Toney is way off in left field because those couples are not rating themselves. They are just entering information into a system and the system makes the matches.

No matter how fantabulous and fabustatic that I know myself to be, not every man wants a ME. So I would be foolish to rate myself and then think a guy that looks as good as I think I look and is as fabulous as I think I am should be interested in me. Personality counts more.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit and Trini to di bone :-)

June 30th, 2009
10:22 am

Cameeli what can I say…I’m somewhat complicated.

AmRed, Professor I understand what both of you are saying when it comes to taking a “break” and “slowing down” as far as the dating scene is concerned b/c I feel the same. I just wanted to get out of it so I went on a hiatus with no certain time of return. It’s like for a time everybody sounded the same with the same old tired game and lame excuses so I felt/feel like why bother…not to say that if I met someone who was sincere I wouldn’t give him a chance but right now I’m doing the T.I. an just livin’ my life.