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Where is your label?

Sexual orientation can be a touchy topic among single people on the dating scene. Some people want to know immediately; some try to guess, while others make a fool of themselves with assumptions. Do you think it is rude and impolite to inquire about sexual orientation?

I am a pretty friendly person so a lot of times I like to get clarification about whether I am engaging in friendly chat with a stranger or if we are checking each other out for potential romance, number exchange, or whatever. I have simply asked outright. Not in a malicious way or to offend, I just put it out there so I can get clarity: Do you date women, men, or both?

Do you ask people their orientation when you first meet them? Have you ever been asked the “which team are you playing for” type of question? How did you react?

I have known women who consider themselves bisexual. I am not sure if it means anything, but they currently are seeking/are in relationships with men. Their attraction for women is still there and they openly tell men about their past experiences and it does not seem to impede them.

Guys, what do you think about women who have had relationships with both genders? Could you see yourself in a serious relationship with one?

Ladies, if a man admitted to having prior experiences with other men, is that an immediate turn off for you? Do you feel comfortable discussing this type of thing with someone you are getting to know?

What do you think about sexual labels: straight, gay, bisexual..etc. Are they necessary or not important?

Touchy topic, so let’s keep the discussion adult and clean.

864 comments Add your comment

Sinning Sinthia

June 24th, 2009
8:44 am

Uni, Bi, Tri…Come one come all I say…the more the merrier. Cmon you TGirls, give us a shout out!!

KJ

June 24th, 2009
8:46 am

I have never asked. But I have been asked if I would be with another woman, and I know that was just so he could fulfill a fantasy of being with two women. Even though I don’t ask, I don’t see a problem with asking, especially if you suspect that the person may be gay, lesbian or bisexual. It would definitely turn me off to know a man I was interested in had been with other men, but I don’t think men have that same issue when it comes to women. It’s a turn on, a fantasy.

Kym-Texas Gold Rita with Lime..is just fine.

June 24th, 2009
8:49 am

Good Morning All,

Wisey you know I loves the controversy so this is going to be a interesting one today.

Yes on the first encounte it would be rude to ask, but before making the beast with two backs (unprotected)..it would be nice to know something of your partner(s) past sexual history, may not always happen that way. But it would be nice. I have ask this question before and suspected that someone I have been was bisexual can’t prove it. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he was. I never thought about if I could date a guy that was bisexual. I don’t really think I could take a guy like that seriously. I mean if we are just out for a good time maybe it won’t matter..but a serious relationship with a guy who hangs out at Bulldogs for fun and relax…hmmm nawwww.

I am not so big on any kinds of labels. I hate them and in my personal opinion what you do in your bedroom should not define who you are. We can see race..you can’t see gay or bisexual or straight. There are guys who are straight up and down but have “soft ways”..so let’s not go there.

Weezy

June 24th, 2009
8:54 am

NO George I will not do it with Florence while you watch.

AmazonRed™ - Toning ↓ my sexy...

June 24th, 2009
8:56 am

Morning all.

I don’t care about your sexual orientation unless you are trying to holla at me. I’ve dated a proud “metrosexual” and in hindsight, I’m still waiting for his azz to come out the closet. :lol:

I have asked men I’ve dated if they’ve ever been with a man. I don’t necessarily expect a truthful answer, but if the relationship goes to hell and it turns out he’s gay or bi, I have at least gone on record of asking the question.

I would not date a guy who has had a sexual experience with another man.

Whatever

June 24th, 2009
8:57 am

I have stopped dating completely. Why? I am a ‘DEVOUT’ heterosexual and I fear men who have been with the ‘come one come all’ group (male or female)–it is filthy, germy and disgusting. I would rather remain clean, healthy and alone!

Cemeeli

June 24th, 2009
9:09 am

Morning…

Okay wow!

I’ll be sitting with Mo in the Impala drinking some soda and listening to “Ridin’down Dill” ….

…roll out…

I-85

June 24th, 2009
9:15 am

9/10 times if you have to ask someone their orientation something is wrong with that person. There might be people who play for both teams but it’s obvious which team is their favorite. I would never ask and if I am asked I will take offense to it. Being asked it’s a sign I am giving the wrong vibes.

SexyCool - I'm so 3000 and 8. You so 2000 and late.

June 24th, 2009
9:17 am

My natural expectation is going to be that if you are expressing an interest in me, you are a heterosexual male. I will only ask you about your orientation if I spot any ‘tendencies’.

It is my opinion that men who encounter women that admit to sexual encounters with females or even bicuriosity tend to think that those females are sexually loose and easy.

Three Words Daily – No whining allowed.

Grace

June 24th, 2009
9:18 am

Good morning, I ask, I want to know who I’m getting involved with even if it’s just casually dating. Scary thing is, most men that I’ve asked says a man is not gay nor bi sexual if he has a girlfriend/wife and have s3x with men, that is scary. However there are some ladies who have no problem gettng involved with a man who has a history of playing on the other team in his past. Most men seem to not have a problem with women on women, must be a fantasy thing.

Rell - master of the three screw

June 24th, 2009
9:20 am

Ladies raise your hand if you have ever kissed a women….lol

fun topic thanks diva..

btw ared nice dress on saturday…

THE INFAMOUS DK

June 24th, 2009
9:21 am

I’m gonna start the day off like this.. “My Girl got a Girlfriend Chevy blue like a whirlwind”

Its not a big deal about a Babe with another Babe but her being my main squeeze, I dont know it depends on who she is as a person.

Yeah I’ve had women ask the proverbial Gay question and I used to get offended by it because I consider myself as real as it gets.. But.. After seeing two dudes kissing in The Majestic Diner looking “realer” than me (Tattoos n all), I now understand the line of questioning.

THE INFAMOUS DK

June 24th, 2009
9:22 am

However when the question is asked most women are just being a$$es when they ask though not because they think youre gay..

THE INFAMOUS DK

June 24th, 2009
9:24 am

Grace – If a dude has kissed a dude he is gay.. There is not such thing as a Bi-sexual man..

AmazonRed™ - Toning ↓ my sexy...

June 24th, 2009
9:27 am

However when the question is asked most women are just being a$$es when they ask though

DK – Wow, really? You don’t think we ask because the DL life is a very REAL thing???

Grace

June 24th, 2009
9:27 am

DK after seeing all those “realer” dudes hanging around Bull dogs years ago, I knew I had to ask the question – Do you like your salad tossed?

Leggs (Karyn)

June 24th, 2009
9:30 am

Good morning everyone!

I see nothing wrong with asking a man his sexual preference. Will I date a man that has been with another man….NOPE.

@Weezy, thanks for the chuckle so early this morning!

Sassy Me...juicy fruit AKA Victoria...feeling more like Pandora :-)

June 24th, 2009
9:32 am

Mornting blog fam…what it do :mrgreen:

This should be very interesting today…very. When it comes to orientation I don’t even think about it unless we’re inerested in each other and may want to take things further on a romantic basis. If we’re just casual friends then do you b/c we’re not “gettin it in” like that anyway. Now on the other hand as an AA woman I know that we’re (age 24-39) one of the largest groups of newly diagnosed AIDS cases and I refuse to put my health/life in ANYONE ELSE’S hands and therefore I do ask,allbeit, tastefully with tact. I’ve never been asked but here in the “A” it’s understandable that one might find themselves in the position to ask which team are you batting for.

THE INFAMOUS DK

June 24th, 2009
9:33 am

ARED – Yeah I get it now because when it happened to me I was like are you serious.. Hey like I said the two dudes I saw kissing in the Majestic, I would have ever thought they were Gay. From that moment I understood why women have to ask. It pissed me off to the highest point of pisstivity though. Now I must clarify it doesnt happen often either because most of ya’ll ladies can smell what I’m cooking..

M'

June 24th, 2009
9:33 am

I do not think that it is labeling a person if you define the individual for who they are…IMO, labeling would be assigning a tag to a person without knowing first hand if that tag applies…ppl are who they are…is calling a fruit tree bearing pears a Pear tree a “label”…naw, that be what it is…lol…a label that gives definition to something is not a bad thing in and of itself…everything has a name and some adjectives to go along with it.

I have never ask the question…but I have been ask…mostly by women…imagine that…and personally, while I do not care what other ppl do…I would not be interested in being involved with a man who played both teams…oh, and transgenders are out too…

Also, it just seems like ppl can handle the idea of bi women better than bi men…it seems less repulsive in thought…I guess.

abc

June 24th, 2009
9:33 am

I used to work with a lot of gay people in the theater community. As long as they kept it non-sexual with me, I was okay with it. I find gay PDA gross and disgusting, but then, I find hetero PDA at least a little off-putting too. To me, it’s along the lines of dealing with someone who liked to eat bugs. If I don’t have to watch them eat, and they don’t have bugs stuck in their teeth when they’re talking to me, then why should I care?

If a chick had had relationship(s) with other women, I’d not pursue her. Homosexuality is an aberration I don’t care to deal with at that level.

THE INFAMOUS DK

June 24th, 2009
9:33 am

Rell - master of the three screw

June 24th, 2009
9:38 am

FOX coming out with a reality show called “more to love”…featuring a big guy and plus size women…wonder why they did not go with a big guy and average to athletic shaped women…hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

IslandGirl aka IG

June 24th, 2009
9:40 am

Morning All

At some point you just have to ask! I’ve seen enough crazy mess here in Atlanta that has opened my eyes. Men that are homosexual no longer fit a certain stereotype, size, shape, mannerism, etc. When the time comes you better just ask the man if he has ever been with another man sexually. It is just sensible.

M'

June 24th, 2009
9:41 am

It seems that most ppl are thinking a long the same lines…interesting…mainly that it is not a concern if there is no interest in the the 2 ppl…sounds reasonable to me…a need to know basis sort of thing…and if you ain’t getting any, then I do not need to know…lol

@DK

I can imagine that you were taken aback by women asking that question…lol…like “WTF!!!…I as a man acting as they get”…lol…but Ared is right…with the DL so prevalent it is a necessary inquiry from most AA women today…and what ppl are learning it that the once “obvious” indications of a man’s sexual orientation…ain’t so “obvious” anymore…truly.

Brian Hunt

June 24th, 2009
9:41 am

I’ve been in relationships before with bisexual women and it has never been a problem. I’m heterosexual and I usually find it fairly obvious who is not if I’m paying attention. I think that it is possible to pose the question in a tactful manner if you have an established rapport with a person.

AmazonRed™ - Toning ↓ my sexy...

June 24th, 2009
9:43 am

From that moment I understood why women have to ask. It pissed me off to the highest point of pisstivity though

:lol: DK – Understandable.

Just know that if we’re to the point of asking those questions, the last thing we want to do is be rude for no reason or to run you away. But AIDS is the #1 killer of black women. You should respect those of us who are doing our due dilagence, cuz you know there are plenty of women who don’t even need to know your last name.

SexyCool - I'm so 3000 and 8. You so 2000 and late.

June 24th, 2009
9:43 am

As to the labeling of it all, we are all labeled all day everyday by every single person in our world and every one we encounter.

Rob

June 24th, 2009
9:46 am

I’m about as straight as it gets, (never been with, kissed, licked, fondled or anything else with another man) and I really don’t mind it if I get asked. I’m not afraid to ask a guy either. Clears the air immediately if we both know where it’s NOT going.

Scary part is these guys who think it’s okay, after fifteen years of marriage and three kids to all of a sudden decide they’re gay…dude, your not, you’re just disillusioned. Ihave a gay daughter, and she’s known this, without a doubt, since she was 13.

Leggs (Karyn)

June 24th, 2009
9:46 am

@Infamous, that article has saddened me this morning, but a necessary read. As a result of so many lies, deceit, DL brothers thriving, etc., I see no problem w/women who believe and continuously “self oil” themselves. HAAAAAA, I was trying to come up w/a clever phrase for the act!

AmazonRed™ - Toning ↓ my sexy...

June 24th, 2009
9:47 am

As to the labeling of it all, we are all labeled all day everyday by every single person in our world and every one we encounter.

SexyCool – Great point. Which is why I run from relationships where the other party is like “why label it?”…but we’ve beaten that horse to death so moving on. :lol:

THE INFAMOUS DK

June 24th, 2009
9:52 am

ARED – I mean its funny now because I can understand it. But I have a question. Do women really think a DL dude would tell the truth? I guess thats why its called the DL. The thing is its not only affecting women but hetero dudes that come into contact with these women who sleep with those cats..

SexyCool - I'm so 3000 and 8. You so 2000 and late.

June 24th, 2009
9:52 am

SOME of my labels: confidante, tall, athletic, serious, goofy, sexy, professional, laid back, crazy, black, office manager, bytch, confident, silly, loud, quiet, mysterious, straightforward, positive, friendly, thinker, partier, supervisor, employee, customer, client, patient, wild, cool, interesting, cocky, daughter, sister, beautiful, friend, therapist, listening ear, cute, life saver, idealogical, logical, illogical, faithful, intelligent, determined, smarta$$, a$$hole….

And I could go on, truth is, your label often depends on two things – 1) The way that you are ‘marketing’ yourself and 2) The filters that are in place for the person that is doing the label.

Some labels are unavoidable. Some are untintentional. Some you cannot control. Some you can.

THE INFAMOUS DK

June 24th, 2009
9:55 am

Leggs – I can check your oil for ya Babe no need to worry, my professional strength dipstick can handle the job.. Theres no need to self oil. ;-)

lovelyliz

June 24th, 2009
10:00 am

I guess sometimes and my sister has some of the finest tuned gaydar in the South East United States. That being said, if we are having fun and it’s not going to be a romqatic relationship, it isn’t anyone’s business.

AmazonRed™ - Toning ↓ my sexy...

June 24th, 2009
10:04 am

But I have a question. Do women really think a DL dude would tell the truth?

DK – As stated before, we don’t necessarily expect an honest answer, but at least we’ve gone on record to answer the question. That way, if you lie and get caught, at least you will understand why you’re getting a lead pipe to the head. :)

Besides, this is a typical male jedi mind trick…

Girl: Well, I knew you cheated on me, but how come you didn’t tell me it was with my best frind.

Dude: Cuz you didn’t ask.

*tsk*

Spoiled Lioness-

June 24th, 2009
10:04 am

DK- Grace – If a dude has kissed a dude he is gay.. There is not such thing as a Bi-sexual man..<– AMEN!! When I say this, male AND female beg to differ.. Confuses the ISH out of ME!!

Good Morning All :)

Sassy Me...juicy fruit AKA Victoria...feeling more like Pandora :-)

June 24th, 2009
10:09 am

When I first moved into downtown Atl. I lived in building on Walton street that was right around the corner from Luckie street. There was a gay club on Luckie that I can’t remember but anyhoo, my building clientele was at the time 50% gay and with the club being right down the street shyt stayed poppin’ off. I would see married men cruising the blocks circling around and round and there were guys on the corners offering up “trade” and if you were to see them you’d never havee thought about what they were into. I KNOW alot of those men were married or had girlfriends and it freaked my out. I had/have gay friends who used to have “company” while we’d all be chillin’ at their apartment and I’d think to myself( he’s got a woman and she don’t know the half about what her man is doing). One time one of the guys even said that he was living with a woman but once in a while he wants some “head from a man ’cause they do it better”…hell I’ve had one of their “trades” hit on me so it was definitely an eye opener. SO YEAH I ASK ‘CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.

When I was younger,and living in the same building, a gay friend of mine(who’s since passed of AIDS) took me to Loretta’s and I almost died. The men in that club were fine as hell and I was clueless to the gay scene and from that point on I made it imperative to know and even when you ask some men are not always honest SO YEAH I ASK. Finally, when I started reading E. Lynn Harris’ books I was like wha?….SO YEAH I ASK……..

THE INFAMOUS DK

June 24th, 2009
10:13 am

ARED – She said Jedi Mind Trick.. Pull my finger..

Spoiled Lioness-

June 24th, 2009
10:14 am

Since I am an observer, I don’t ask that question AT ALL! If I got to ask a man if he has been with men, that must mean that I believe he has some type of tendencies.. Metrosexual dudes DO NOT last long with me cause I don’t think a REAL man should be into himself that much..
I know a GROWN man that has PLENTY money & pays like he weighs and likes all that Gucci this, Benz that etc.. On the surface, he seems straight, he has kids & all by random chicks cause all the women see is his money, cars & houses but on the REAL, I think the dude is straight up GAY! Would he ever admit it? Nope! But I could tell by his attitude about things & the way he is ALL into himself & what he wears.. Sometimes questions are necessary but MOST of the time, if not all the time, the writing is on the wall plain as day ;)

kimmie(Sheree)

June 24th, 2009
10:14 am

Morning Good People!

If I have to ask, we ain’t datin’! Bottom line, end of story. We can be wonderful friends though. In fact, partly because of my fancy male friends and partly sharp instinct, I have a VERY finely tuned ‘DAR!LOL!! But all jokes aside, I think it is some that is extremely hard to hide, especially over a length of time. And I don’t just notice the obvious stuff either. Funny, “women” never approach me. Guess their radar tells them what they need to know about me too!

M’ – Any doctor will tell you man/man contact is way more dangerous than woman/woman any day of the week. HIV is worst case scenario, they get stuff you never even hear of. It’s no joke. I try to be open-minded, but I would not get with a man that had experiences like that in the past if he was the last dude on earth.

Dr. Doom

June 24th, 2009
10:17 am

Mike Vick still has VDs.

Now, so do his partners.

Keep THAT Real, Haters!

Melo

June 24th, 2009
10:17 am

I have ask this question before and suspected that someone I have been was bisexual

did he juice u in any particular way for u to suspect? Curious!! :lol:

A bisexual chic is kinda of a novelty.U wanna see if shes got some advanced techniques being that shes been dealing with other females.Should be a good teacher,hand holding the guy,do this,do that, :arrow: to evrybody’s delight.But i dont think any guy wants to take her for the long term coz u may end up competing for the same chics.
I ride the train everyday.You dont even have to ask.Lesbos are everywhere but the gay dudes,not so apparent.Its prudent for the chics to ask,i wld think.

Nice topic Diva!

Spoiled Lioness-

June 24th, 2009
10:18 am

It is EVER so evident here!! Be aware of your surrounding cause it is all there to be seen! TRUST!

I know women that tell me that their man ONLY likes back door sex.. That would make me suspect.. A man that enjoys that type of sex PERIOD is suspect to me. Not saying that ALL men that like that type sex is playing for the other team but you never know..

Rell - master of the three screw

June 24th, 2009
10:19 am

A man that enjoys that type of sex PERIOD is suspect to me. Not saying that ALL men that like that type sex is playing for the other team but you never know..

- YOU SLOW

Spoiled Lioness-

June 24th, 2009
10:20 am

Doom- Sad that A TON of women don’t think he has anything..

kimmie(Sheree)

June 24th, 2009
10:20 am

Lioness – You think like me – my man has good taste and dresses well and is clean, but metro he is not. I’m the only girly one up in that house! I’m the only one with the purse! I’m real old school about that! And I know a guy just like the one you mentioned!

Some chicks will dance with other girls on fast songs in clubs – not I! Some friends asked me why when we were out a few years ago. I told them I don’t dance with women. They told me I was old-school, I said “so be it” and I wear the label proudly!

Spoiled Lioness-

June 24th, 2009
10:21 am

Rell- You wanna start DUDE? I am SLOW cause you enjoy it?? HUH?

Sassy Me...juicy fruit AKA Victoria...feeling more like Pandora :-)

June 24th, 2009
10:22 am

Lioness from one AA woman to another..please, please don’t think that the writing is that plain on the wall. I’m telling you what I KNOW not what I THINK in that regards b/c of what I’ve seen and continue to see. I still have two gay friends who ’til this day can/will go and get a man who’d one might think is straigt but may not be b/c my gay friends don’t like effeminate men they like ‘em rough and rugged like some of us do BELEIVE ME. It’s that line of thinking and that train of thought that has US ONE OF THE LARGEST GROUPS OF NEWLY DIAGNOSED AIDS CASES.

blah

June 24th, 2009
10:24 am

As a gay male, I find myself having to put my label out there far more than I would like to, but mainly to protect myself from overly flirtatious heterosexual women who don’t know I’m gay. I never try to hide my sexual orientation, but if you’re a masculine gay man who doesn’t fit the stereotype, then some heterosexual women thing you’re trying to trick them. Get some perspective.

And women, claim ownership of your sex lives! There are thousands of articles like the one linked above, where men are ruining the lives of perfectly good women by lying to them and infecting them with HIV. Shame on those men, and shame on some women for not understanding that they have the most responsibility for keeping their sexual lives and overall life healthy.