Love them like my own
NFL player Tom Brady has a child from a previous relationship with actress Bridget Moynahan. When Brady dated his then girlfriend Giselle Bundchen, I remember reading a comment from Bundchen about Brady’s son:
“I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that, but to me it’s not like because somebody else delivered him, that’s not my child. I feel it is, 100 percent. I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that’s important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine.”
Now I thought it was a noble and endearing perspective to take, but after talking to a couple of real parents, it seemed to strike a nerve. If you have children, wouldn’t you want the person your ex is dating (seriously) to care for your child as if they were your own?
Have you ever dated someone with children and became close to their children? Did it cause a problem with their parent because you were too close?
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who treated your children like their own? Isn’t that a little litmus test to see if the person is compatible to you and your kids, since you are a package deal?
Is there a line that one should not cross when it comes to dealing with someone who has children in terms of parenting them? What would you say are the boundaries? Do you set those ground rules with your significant other and their children?
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603 comments Add your comment
Mo (aka Moeisha-counting down to the haircut!!)
June 18th, 2009
11:17 am
Morning All! Okay since I am a newbie to this I will lurk for the most part. I am jumping back into dating after a divorce and having a kid. I will admit to saying right off I wouldnt date a man without kids though. Now my ex had a girlfriend and I only met her once, I was just glad he had a girlfriend! At this point, right now, I cant say I would feel threatened by another woman caring for my kid. If she’s going to be in Dad’s life then that is whats expected right?
Alvin – you are a good dude man
-W8©*N8*
June 18th, 2009
11:17 am
@DK- Amen to your 11:13
THE INFAMOUS DK
June 18th, 2009
11:17 am
Man its that little stuff too that kills me.. He was at the house last night and I had to teach him the pee hole goes to the front thats how you know youre drawls aint on backwards.. See ladies ya’ll cant hand a lil dude that kinda a jewel cause ya’ll dont have pee holes.. It takes two parents to raise a child..
SexyCool - Like a tight verse over a hot track
June 18th, 2009
11:19 am
Question – If you are dating with the intent to marry, how can you expect that your intended would have NO interaction with your kids?
For me, if I were dating someone with kids, I would expect there to be SOME real contact at some point so that I can determine if I fit into your total picture. You know, I, too, have a decision to make. I would like an opportunity to find out if I LIKE your kid(s) and/or if THEY like me and if there is no reciprocated affection, can we at least get along? Shouldn’t that come into play before a decision as major as marriage is made?
I’m not trying to come in and replace a parent/buy affection/be a friend/or whatever. I just want to get a real picture of what I would be dealing with before it gets to THAT point.
For Real Ballwood
June 18th, 2009
11:19 am
Grown Man pound to Alvin
Grown Nasty Man hug to Scool
Yall some standup folks
Page1908
June 18th, 2009
11:20 am
There are a lot of women I have heard make comments like “my child don’t need a man. I am his mother AND his father”. I would like to know what some of the single fathers and mothers feel about that statement.
Leggs (Karyn)
June 18th, 2009
11:22 am
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs on God’s green earth. To deal with divorce, dating again, step parents (if it gets to that point) is all surreal to a child. The only important thing is the safety and happiness of the child. And, that both parents remain in the child’s life riding the “positive” train. No negative talk about the other in front of the child. I do not believe in that. Using the child as a bargining chip reeks nothing short of “bad parenting.” @W8, I wholeheartedly agree with you
“Nobody can tell me anything about raising her at all except my ex and I must pat us both on the back..My daughter is not “fast” nor is she “green” she is not perfect but she is not a wyld child and the realness we give to her allows her to talk to us about anything under the sun.” ^5!!
Leggs (Karyn)
June 18th, 2009
11:24 am
^5 because you certainly could be talking about my daughter!
-W8©*N8*
June 18th, 2009
11:24 am
LOL- Old boy called me about two years ago asking why I bought my ex wife new tires for her car, I told him don’t feel threatened. I had been noticing that her tires were worn out everytime that we met at the spot for me to pick up my daughter and I would constantly ask her about them..so on this particular day I saw that they were bald..I got on her for having my daughter ride in an unsafe car. She said she was having money issues and had lost her job, I didnt even know that. So she followed me and my current girlfriend (who was in the car with me) to NTB and I just paid for her some new tires..told him it had nothing to do with her but with my childs safety…He then proceeded to tell me that my ex was throwing it all in his face that he should have been the one taking care of her car and not me..I just laughed and was like hey patna she is your problem not mine…lol
Grace
June 18th, 2009
11:26 am
We were never together – I’m willing to bet the mother is saying something totally different mytwo
W8 you’ve got your house in order. Your daughter proves that you can’t fool kids they are much smarter than we give them credit for.
For Real Ballwood
June 18th, 2009
11:27 am
Scool: “For me, if I were dating someone with kids, I would expect there to be SOME real contact at some point so that I can determine if I fit into your total picture.” – My kids are first in my life. I understand that it’s your choice too but if I ain’t planning on moving you to the number 1 spot, then their is no point in you meeting them. You and I can test the waters all we want but when it comes to my kids you will have to jump in head first.
abc/WillieD: I feel yall on the point having child of own and loving a child is different. My nephew was the first grand baby and I love that joker like nobodies business until my first son came along.
Kym -declaring a holy war on Bull-shiggidity
June 18th, 2009
11:29 am
@For Real..I like your breakdown. I have guys who I have dated on and off for 10 plus years who have only seen my son in pictures. My son knows I date, has seen me leave to go out, but as for meeting everyone I date or have dated. Nawww that is not happening. Meeting my kid ranks up there with getting a audience with the Pope..there has to be something major going on.
Cemeeli
June 18th, 2009
11:29 am
Infamous – Some moms are forced to show theri sons what to do about his “pee whole”, musty arm, balls, jock itch, etc. So don’t put the :jewel” on one gender parent.
And I totally agree, that it takes a man to raise a man (two parents, indeed). But don’t forget some of you<–(connotative), where raised with mom dukes playing both roles.
@ 11:13 Good to see you are activley involved in your kid’s life.
THE INFAMOUS DK
June 18th, 2009
11:30 am
Sassy – Its hard for people without children to properly understand the child dynamic.. My child has given me the patience of Job and a clear understanding of what a child is.. A boy especially is a bundle of energy, a neverending questioning machine because everything is new to them.. I try and just put myself in his shoes and let him be free to enjoy his childhood but rest assured that when he gets wrong daddy doesnt spare the rod. Inquisitive Minds..
Tazzee (Linda) - countdown to NFL season
June 18th, 2009
11:30 am
Morning Folks!
Alvin – your first comment really set the mood for today’s discussion. Thanks for sharing.
I wish I had time to REALLY respond because my guy has kids and I’m trying to wrap my mind around being involved with them on a greater level. I’ve met all 4 but only spent any real time with his youngest.
I’ll be reading and taking notes throughout the day.
Melo
June 18th, 2009
11:32 am
would like to know what some of the single fathers and mothers feel about that statement.
the mums are confused,proly have a lot of hate targeted at men based on their previous ex relationship(s) and they are obviously leading their kids down a slippery slope.
The female kids will proly become the future men mean muggers and azz biattches whilst the sons become the perpetual male hoes,dogging females like nobody’s bizz.
NY2GA, Inc.
June 18th, 2009
11:32 am
Interesting convo. Thanks for the insight, But, I’ll be honest-the more I read this, the more I am shying away from dealing with a man with children.
For Real Ballwood
June 18th, 2009
11:32 am
Page: “I am his mother AND his father” – Only woman spout that nonsense. You will never hear a man say that especially if he has a daughter. That goes back to this new day woman and their Superhero complex. Funny how those same women that say that say “Wellll his daddy was never around and I just did the best I could” when lil JohnDavis is being locked up.
SexyCool - Like a tight verse over a hot track
June 18th, 2009
11:32 am
First of all, if I’m in your number one spot, that implies that there is a number two, three, four or however many more. (LOL)
Secondly, it’s not logical to ME to seriously considering marrying someone with kids who I have NO interaction with. Surely, SOME sort of interaction on SOME level is warranted when you get to the point of seriousness in a relationship.
Naw, casually dating, your kid(s) shouldn’t even know my name. A few levels past that, you keeping your kids away from me – I would see that as unseemly.
THE INFAMOUS DK
June 18th, 2009
11:33 am
I say it all the time.. My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me because I didnt know unconditional love but I do now. From the moment I held him I knew I would do everything in my power to make sure he was ok. I’ve never felt like I would give my life for anything willingly except my Mom and I’m ex military but now my son. I would give every organ in my body just so he can experience life.
Grace
June 18th, 2009
11:35 am
Meeting my kid ranks up there with getting a audience with the Pope – Kym I’m with you on that!
-W8©*N8*
June 18th, 2009
11:35 am
@Grace- Kids are way smart and very observant
THE INFAMOUS DK
June 18th, 2009
11:37 am
Cemeeli- Yeah but I wasnt my parents have been together for 40+ and my Grandparents were together for 60+ years before my Grandfather died.. So I understand a Father being there for his son. Its important..
And you have to tell him about the pee hole. I can show him..
Mo (aka Moeisha-counting down to the haircut!!)
June 18th, 2009
11:39 am
Page1908 – I dont see how any parent would that they as one parent are all the child needs. You can be the only provider, if the other parent is non-active but you arent all that they need, you just happen to be the active parent. I would never, even if me and ex were on bad terms, say that I am all Lil Mo needs. Lil Mo needs dad and mom doesnt interfere with that.
Infamous – cosigning your 11:33, I would surely rot in h3ll for someone trying to hurt my kid….
For Real Ballwood
June 18th, 2009
11:39 am
Cee: “But don’t forget some of you<–(connotative), where raised with mom dukes playing both roles.” – I understand what you are saying but a boy being raised without his daddy is hard as hell on boy. Boys need someone with the ability to check them at all stages of their lives including manhood. Woman just can’t do that. Now the boy will love and respeck their mothers but it’s the thought of disappointing them that hurts the most to boys. Whereas, the thought of your daddy actually killing you because you are not 100% sure he wouldn’t actually do it is another thang.
Kym: That’s why I give my Who In The Hell Does He Think He Is speech face to face on the first date so there will be nooooo consequences and reprocussions.
mytw♥cents...the most beautiful
June 18th, 2009
11:39 am
ZULU, You can’t really think these types are usually the result of single parents?
The female kids will proly become the future men mean muggers and azz biattches whilst the sons become the perpetual male hoes,dogging females like nobody’s bizz.
I KNOW you know that there are so many other factors. And I wonder too if you’d really want to shield your little girls from some of the grittier truths, when they will likely go elsewhere to quench their curiosity. Give them good information at home or they’ll find misinformation outside of it.
Professor
June 18th, 2009
11:40 am
Good morning!
Great topic WD, I have never really thought about this one until a few weeks ago. When I look back on my serious relationships none of the guys had children so this was never an issue until recently. However I am with Giselle if you love that man or if you are building a relationship with someone you should just naturally fall into place and build a relationship with the child(ren). I love well-behaved, well-mannered children (my first degree was in education), but I know I could not tolerate some disrespectful sassy @ss child cutting up in public embarrassing the he.ll out of me.
Willie Dynamite
June 18th, 2009
11:43 am
@1908 – I know you asked single parents the ? but I’ll chime in. Some mothers are forced to be the Mother AND Father, no disputing that. I would like to hope that single parent does understand that its some things that a Woman CAN’T teach a boy. Its some things that a Man CAN’T teach a girl. Unfortunately it is that simple. You may play both roles whether intentional or not but it will get learned whether from a parent or the streets good or bad.
@Similac – I was raised by a Single Mom and I get what you are saying. As a parent now I understand erything MaDukes went through and sacrificed. She may have raised me but she didn’t teach me how to be a Man or a boy for that matter.
Shandra aka Lioness- Just Keeping it Real!
June 18th, 2009
11:43 am
Sexy- AMEN to your 11:19 comment!
Sassy Me...juicy fruit AKA Victoria :-)
June 18th, 2009
11:44 am
Its hard for people without children to properly understand the child dynamic.. My child has given me the patience of Job and a clear understanding of what a child is.. A boy especially is a bundle of energy, a neverending questioning machine because everything is new to them.. I try and just put myself in his shoes and let him be free to enjoy his childhood but rest assured that when he gets wrong daddy doesnt spare the rod. Inquisitive Minds..
DK I understand what you said and yes children are naturally inquisitive and are balls of energy…..MY PROBLEM was that they truly didn’t know how to act at home or in public……for instance they used to eat with thier hands(at home or a restaurant),were constantly loud and embarrassing(people looked at us like “Do somethin’ with them”), had to always be told to do the same thing a MINIMUM of 3-5 times and always had some kind of backtalk and at times I just couldn’t handle/manage it. I told their dad that he talked too much but that’s as far as it went. I asked myself if that was something I could live with and the answer was always NO. Inquisitive minds are one thing but rude is rude and that I won’t tolerate.
I knew he needed help and tried but he acted as if he din’t have any backbone and at times I felt like I had more balls than he did.
Staceye AKA Black Mamba AKA Xiomara
June 18th, 2009
11:45 am
W8…your lil’ lady got your back for life son!
LEGGS…”Parenting is one of the hardest jobs on God’s green earth.” Hence the reason I choose not to do it. There is no vacation…you do not get paid, sick days or get to quit. I gotta give it to those who do it. You have to really want it. You have to have patience. I have ZERO…and as the days go by I get less patient…if that is even possible. I can deal with a guy who kid is older….teenager. I can talk to them..bond with them. I love L’il Leggs because she is a good kid and a teenager! But the little kids get on my d*mn nerves. The cuteness wears off quickly. Not to mention when the kids are young…the motther thinks you are trying to take her place. No trick…I don’t have kids for a reason…so why the hell would I want yours?
I can play with them and send them home….if I had my own…I am stuck. No thanks.
I am the ultimate comit-a-phobe..anything that I can’t see getting out of without a battle frightens me. Like now guys are trying to make me a “girlfriend” Hellz no….I am happy by myself. I get irritated when they try to get all lovey dovey and affectionate. I have been told that I am cold. Oh well!
W8…sounds like your boy’s manhood was threatened because he couldn’t man up and help her out. Lame a$$!
-W8©*N8*
June 18th, 2009
11:46 am
My son mother and I have already agreed once he gets to the age of smelling himself he comes to live with me..My daughter kinda fell back on her own towards her mother once she started turning into a woman..Point is a plenty of single mothers raising boys into men..props to you..but there are some things done by a father that drives the point home moreso..Heck not saying this in a negative way but look at women who were raised with their father in their life..there is a difference. A woman can stand in the gap and do a damn good job, but at the end of the day she is not the father.
Melo
June 18th, 2009
11:46 am
Dealing with a female or guy with kids is lots of drama most times.In a majority of cases,one of the ex still has feelings for the other,the parting was acrimonious or both and that leads to major issues.
If the arriving new female or male has security issues,thats taking it to another whole level.
To pacify that drama requires a man with a strong hand who really knows how to handle his bizz(much like Truth hardened guy) and does not give a whole lot of phluck about some hurt feeling etc.
Be4 u decide to enter that fray,ask urself if u secure within urself.If u are and dont take a lot of ish nonsense,then go ahead.But if u are a softy,u better of leaving that drama alone coz trust me, u are going to get drama at some point,it be from the blood parent,grandmas,aunties or other relatives on the ex family side.
It happens!
Proceed with caution.
Shandra aka Lioness- Just Keeping it Real!
June 18th, 2009
11:48 am
Kym-I have guys who I have dated on and off for 10 plus years who have only seen my son in pictures.<– I believe there is a difference from a woman’s stand point because most of the time, the woman Has sole custody.. So, to me, your stance should be a given for all women with kids..
Page1908
June 18th, 2009
11:48 am
LOL Staceye. Remember dude at Lenox said you were mean! LOL
Tazzee (Linda) - countdown to NFL season
June 18th, 2009
11:50 am
You and I can test the waters all we want but when it comes to my kids you will have to jump in head first.
I am SO glad my guy didn’t feel this way.
For Real Ballwood
June 18th, 2009
11:50 am
W8: I agree with you about not lying to your kids. Tell them the truth all the time and your word is like God to them and can’t nobody and I mean nobody tell them otherwise until they hear it from you. Oh and they know every single aspect of you from your happy face, mad face, I’m getting an ass whomping face, to the clothes and shoes you wear.
Since I don’t want to be married it is perfectly logical to me to keep interaction very minimal but if I wanted to get married I would start the long process of interaction with my kids.
THE INFAMOUS DK
June 18th, 2009
11:52 am
Stacy and Sassy I had no patience with children before I had one.. I mean I would break up with you if you had a bad child. Just turn off your oxygen and not talk to you anymore, but now.. Man please I am a Daddy.. Its crazy. I laugh when I pack juices and chips for a park outing.. Its a 180 from where i was. Its super funny.
Staceye AKA Black Mamba AKA Xiomara
June 18th, 2009
11:52 am
PAGE…at Lenox…oh no..you meant at Perimeter the other day?
Wel if I was…he deserved it. 
THE INFAMOUS DK
June 18th, 2009
11:54 am
Sassy – Oh I got my son on the eye now.. The same eye my Dad used to give me. That eye that means I told you once and I’m about 3.5 parsecs from being on dat a$$.
Cemeeli
June 18th, 2009
11:55 am
“I am his mother AND his father”
I do not try and play both rolls. That’s some craziness.
I do not have hatred towards my son’s father because he is not as active as he should be. I even go as far to compliment things about his dad, even though his dad still has a lot of owning up to do.
Trust me, that man has a lot of explaining to do to his son, a young man that will one day have a conversation with him that probably will make him question his own manhood. Now that he’s older and pieces it togeher,…the way my son questions his father’s absence now from some stuff, If he goes off and light into him like a grown man now at 10 year old…My response: OH WELL!
Staceye AKA Black Mamba AKA Xiomara
June 18th, 2009
11:57 am
INFAMOUS…its a bloody production to go anywhere when you have kids. Hell I have enough trouble packing my togo bag….and packing kiddy bags…NOT my thing. I don’t want to have to deal with car seats, getting them dressed, etc. I love the freedom of coming and going when I please…not looking for a sitter. Just making plans that only effect me. If I want to move like a gypsy…I can. If I want to do something at the last minute…I can. And most important…I can spend my money on me. I want those hot shoes….I can do so wihtout thinking if my kid needs shoes or clothes. I am my own child. I LOVE IT! Now why would I want to give up such a great life?
Grace
June 18th, 2009
11:57 am
Man please I am a Daddy.. Its crazy. I laugh when I pack juices and chips for a park outing – awwwwww that’s so sweet @ DK…btw do you pack juciy juice or the jungle juice?
Kym -declaring a holy war on Bull-shiggidity
June 18th, 2009
11:58 am
@Shandra..I know it is not the norm and I am ok with being the rebel when it comes to my son. I read this book about 12 years ago “Single Mamahood” (I mentioned it on here many moons ago) and of the jewels I took from that book. One was that everyone can not meet your kid. My son went through “his life changes” this year and I called in family. His uncle, my dad, family friends to talk and deal with him. I can’t see me calling in some dude I chat, chew and screw with to give my kid advice. Our relationship is not like that.
Right now he is with his dad’s family for summer because we needed a break from each other. Someone was going to hell and the other to jail..and since I can only take so much heat..it was for the best.
For Real Ballwood
June 18th, 2009
12:01 pm
“I am SO glad my guy didn’t feel this way.” – I don’t think you understand my point. My point is your SO did his due diligence on you first or he should have before introducing you to his kids.
-W8©*N8*
June 18th, 2009
12:02 pm
W8…your lil’ lady got your back for life son!
@SheDevil/Staceye- My daughter has turned on her mother and grandmother for bad mouthing me..lol..
@For Real: Yup your word is bond with your kids until the parents break it. To many parents are trying to be friends with their kids before being parents..I remember about 2 years ago my daughter and I were riding and she was being borderline disrespectful and I guess she felt that it was her moment to try me..her being 14 and all.(now in her life I may have had to spank her about 3 times..her mom on the other hand had to dang near beat her to death, where usually all I have to do is talk**my son at 2 years old..ive already had to beat him i dunno how many times..lol) So anyway she gets sideways about the mouth and I tell her how something is going to be and if she backs talks again I am going to pop her in the mouth. She says”You are not my custodial parent” then she smirks and says sarcastically”Dad, you are going to pop me in the mouth, yeah right” Slammed on breaks pulled over her eyes got big and “POP”..she got mad and didnt speak to me for 2 months it drove me crazy..but once she came back around I told her she would never be old enough to disrespect me nor her mother and she would get the same thing for as long as I am alive
Shandra aka Lioness- Just Keeping it Real!
June 18th, 2009
12:02 pm
Kids eating with their hands??????????????????????????????????? WTF??
Melo
June 18th, 2009
12:03 pm
ZULU, You can’t really think these types are usually the result of single parents
No,not single parents but bad parenting.There has to be balance.A single parent,raising her boy or girl must give that kidd the balance to go out,get education from a diverse pple u respect,either within ur fam or outside if ur own is limited.
But to shun outside help when u are a single parent(mother) and pronounce urself the god,the father and the holy spirit(like page described) is wack! As most have observed, a daddy cant teach a girl on how to be a woman and neither can a mum to a boy.
So u have to seek outside help and association.
(Chantil,why u reading me wrong today)
THE INFAMOUS DK
June 18th, 2009
12:03 pm
Stacy – U know I had that same attitude but to know my money is actually going towards my child life is OK with me. I used to drop 900.00 on Polo Croc loafers because I could but now I put that money into his education or college fund/529.. Now trust I still like to stay clean but style comes within and it doesnt take 900.00 croc loafers to be fresh.. Instead of Banana Republic Khakis maybe I go Gap.. No big deal. From Tailored suits to off the racks tailored to fit me but again style comes from within.
Cemeeli
June 18th, 2009
12:03 pm
@W8 – I’m glad you had the conversation with your son’s mother about he coming to you when he gets to the “smelling hiself” stages. Cause I have NEVER thought/talked/dreamed that. Hump, the older my son’s gotten the stronger the bond.
In the event of needed “intervention”, i will revisit the thought.
Wheeeeewwww….I promise that little boy is my road dog! Won’t let ANY man hold the door open for his momma or talk to her too long without coming up standing next to me looking like Ike Turner.