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Dating A Non-Believer

After three months of dating, my friend Kevin discovered the woman he is seeing doesn’t believe in marriage, at all. He said that it caught him by surprise because he had never encountered a great woman that didn’t want to get hitched.

I think that this pretty much torpedoes their chances of a relationship. He believes in marriage, she doesn’t, what’s there to figure out? Kevin wonders if she would change her mind and has considered waiting on that to happen. He thinks she is the “total package” except for this anti-marriage idea. I think that is a recipe for disaster, but when a guy is this far gone, I can’t do much but hope for the best.

Would you risk giving up something you really want because the person you are with has a different outlook then you do?

Have you ever met or dated someone who doesn’t believe in marriage? Would you continue to date them if they didn’t want the same thing you did?

Would you date someone if you knew there was no chance of marrying them?

If you don’t believe in marriage, do you let people know this soon after you meet them so that they know upfront?

950 comments Add your comment

Tmac

June 17th, 2009
8:33 am

I would say to Kevin, just be with her for sometime and see if its really true.

True story,

I have a really wonderful woman friend who we knew eachother for a while. and three yrs ago I asked her out and we started dating and one thing led to another she outright told me she does NOT believe in marriage. I said, wow, that is new coming from a girl. I said, well, I do and I am really in time where want to build r/s that is long lasting and leads to marriage and we terminated our relationship.

Soon after I introduced her to my boy who totally doesnt care about long lasting r/s and the hooked up and heated up. I said, well, you two match and I gave em my blessing.

Three years letter(two wks ago) she can no longer hold it apparently and gave him un ultimatum that 3 yrs is long enough for him to make a move and if he doesnt he has gotta go. They broke up soon after.

Moral of the story,

True again there is an exception to the everythin but I dont believe a woman saying she isnt into marriage and long lasting r/s. More often than not, its a reverse phsycology to get the man into what they want.

could I be wrong, true, but I just dont believe it.

Turd Ferguson

June 17th, 2009
8:35 am

Congrats Kevin!!! Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, MMMOOOOOO!!!!

Does she have a sister!!

kinderbabe

June 17th, 2009
8:37 am

i am glad that the example given the story worked out but that is truly an exception. in most cases when a man or woman does not want to get married for whatever reason, the marriage never takes place and the other person winds up heartbroken. as adults, we have to respect other people’s perspectives. if i met a guy who was adamant about not getting married…ever. that’s it for me. no use in frustrating myself if i know that’s something that i want. we spend too much time trying to change other people’s minds. that energy is better spent being involved in situations that can lead us to what we desire.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit :-)

June 17th, 2009
9:02 am

If you don’t believe in marriage, do you let people know this soon after you meet them so that they know upfront?

I must admit that I am one of those people who are kind of jaded when it comes to marriage. First it started at home with my father cheating on my mom and it went down hill from there….gladly for us all it ended in divorce b/c come men shouldn’t be husbands or fathers but that’s another story. When I moved to Atlanta married men came at me from errwhere BUT I don’t believe in adultery and would NEVER subject a family to what I endured in mine with my father’s infidelity. The more married men would approach me the more I would think “Hell I’m never getting married”. As a matter of fact it’s happened twice in the last two days and I hate it. I mean I haven’t given up on the idea BUT I’m in no hurry at all. I have female friends who are itching to get married but I run the other way. I wonder if being single has made me kind of selfish with that regard but right now I’m just doing me and I like it. If it’s meant to be then one day it will…..

KP (http://www.chatkafeonline.com)

June 17th, 2009
9:02 am

Good Morning blog fam!

Rule of Thumb: NEVER date someone with the intent of trying to change what they fundamentally believe in. More often than not you will be disappointed.

If you want marriage and he/she doesn’t…keep it moving.

AmazonRed™ - I ♥ a parade, yay Lakers!

June 17th, 2009
9:05 am

Morning all –

No, I’ve never dated a guy who TRULY didn’t believe in marriage. I’ve dated guys who “weren’t sure” how they felt about marriage, which was basically code for: “I’ll be married one day, just not to you.”

Sucks, but that’s life.

Alvin (on Marta with crazys and two steps from the car lot)

June 17th, 2009
9:09 am

t mack…that’s about as bad as dating a woman who says she doesn’t want any kids when you met her…two years later…talking about getting married and starting a family…I am stand there in my boxers thinking…hell that came from!!

Professor

June 17th, 2009
9:16 am

Good Morning All:

I believe in dating a person that is on the same page at the same time, as it relates to those core principles that govern the direction of a relationship. With that said if I wanted to get married I would not date someone that did not believe in marriage.

Alvin (on Marta with crazys and two steps from the car lot)

June 17th, 2009
9:17 am

A.red….I feel you there, who knows…maybe they saved you a lot of headache. back when I was a half way decent brother…I realize, that woman’s no…probably save me years of pain and anger.

Alvin (on Marta with crazys and two steps from the car lot)

June 17th, 2009
9:22 am

I believe in marriage as well…but I think too many of my single folks are treating the whole process…like a fast fod restaurant…that’s not cool.

A good thing should never be rush…shoot, love shouldn’t be either…now that I think about it.

AmazonRed™ - I ♥ a parade, yay Lakers!

June 17th, 2009
9:25 am

maybe they saved you a lot of headache.

Thanks Alvin. It’s already been proven that they have. There is a real sense of relief leaving a relationship you know isn’t going anywhere.

M'

June 17th, 2009
9:25 am

Well, as one who does not wish to be married…or deeply committed for that matter…I can understand how the woman feels…it is just not for everyone and it is better to know this before the fact rather than after the fact…I do not know if I would hold out too much if I were old boy…there is a slim chance that she may change her mind…and then maybe not…but at least he knows upfront what her deal is and how far he allows himself to become attached to the relationship is now on him…knowing the probable outcome.

Page1908

June 17th, 2009
9:28 am

Alvin- So people should not rush marriage, but it’s ok to rush having kids without being married? I think it’s funny when people are “anti-marriage”, but have kids without marriage seemingly with no qualms. smdh.

For Real

June 17th, 2009
9:31 am

Dayum Kevin that’s better than that decoder ring I found in my box of cracker jacks in 72′.

Have you ever met or dated someone who doesn’t believe in marriage? – Yes but after 2 months of dating she changed her mind. I asked her to refer back to our first date convo for her answer.

Would you continue to date them if they didn’t want the same thing you did? – If the “same thing” is marriage then yes I would continue to date her. If the “same thing” is peace then no I would not continue to date her.

Would you date someone if you knew there was no chance of marrying them? – Yes and not just because I don’t want to be married. I would continue to date her because dating is about learning and discovering. Dating is not about seeking guaranties. I think the reason dating is hard or frustrating to some is because of their attitude about dating. Dating is not a quest for fire.

If you don’t believe in marriage, do you let people know this soon after you meet them so that they know upfront? – Yes I do. I call it the “WTFDHTHI” Who The Fugg Do He Think He Is convo and it’s done on the very first date face to face so that she can’t:

For Real: I don’t want to be married.

Chick: You been hurt huh?

For Real: No, I just don’t want to be married.

Chick: It’s okay. You know time heals all wounds.

For Real: True but I ain’t hurt and I still don’t want to be married.

Chick: Wellllll, you say that now

For Real: I say it now and I will say it 3months from now.

Chick: You so silly. I just love your sense of humor.

For Real: I ain’t joking. I don’t want to be married.

Chick: You know I bet we would have pretty daughter.

For Real: CHECK PLEASE!!!!

Alvin (on Marta with crazys and two steps from the car lot)

June 17th, 2009
9:34 am

Page…all the same to me…I don’t have any kids, so I am unable to comment on that. you need to ask them baby makers and poppers…

l

AmazonRed™ - I ♥ a parade, yay Lakers!

June 17th, 2009
9:35 am

For Real: True but I ain’t hurt and I still don’t want to be married.
Chick: Wellllll, you say that now
For Real: I say it now and I will say it 3months from now.

Yes, it’s always shocking to me how many women still stick around after hearing this!!!

Cemeeli

June 17th, 2009
9:37 am

Morning….
No, i’ve never dated a “non-believer”. Like kinderbabe stated earlier: You respect a persons position and move on. Don’t use all your energy on trying to convince, or persuade a person into believing.

Kinderteach good to see you hanging out with us a lil more.

Btw – “Hawthorne” was good. But i’m still trying to figure out why Jada’s hair was looking disheveled, though.

AmazonRed™ - I ♥ a parade, yay Lakers!

June 17th, 2009
9:37 am

I think it’s funny when people are “anti-marriage”, but have kids without marriage seemingly with no qualms. smdh.

Page – Don’t you start nuffin this morning! :lol: But yeah, I agree, and really don’t get that mentality.

AmazonRed™ - I ♥ a parade, yay Lakers!

June 17th, 2009
9:38 am

I’m not sold on Hawthorne. The episode had soooo much going on. And yes, Jada hair had this certain “Seabiscuit” quality!

Rell - fireman!!!

June 17th, 2009
9:40 am

I cant believe dudes are still LISTENING to these women out here with these NEW AGE concepts….lol…she does not want marriage…YEA prolly not with YOU….lol

attraction isnt a choice

Cemeeli

June 17th, 2009
9:41 am

“Seabiscuit” look…LOL

For Real

June 17th, 2009
9:44 am

Let me make a correction, I DO BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE I just don’t want to be married.

Page: Some women have kids to trap dudes into marrying them that’s why you have the cart before the horse.

Ared: “Yes, it’s always shocking to me how many women still stick around after hearing this!!!” – Your comment goes back to Wise question “Would you date someone if you knew there was no chance of marrying them?” – What’s wrong with DATING someone that doesn’t want to get married? And don’t give me that “Wasting your time” crap.

Rell - fireman!!!

June 17th, 2009
9:44 am

think it’s funny when people are “anti-marriage”, but have kids without marriage seemingly with no qualms. smdh

- I AGREE

Leggs

June 17th, 2009
9:45 am

Good morning all!

I would not continue seeing someone who wasn’t on the same page as myself. I would not try to hang around in the hopes that they’re change their minds months or years down the road. You live and learn and keep it moving! I know never say never, but marriage isn’t for me!

AmazonRed™ - I ♥ a parade, yay Lakers!

June 17th, 2009
9:47 am

What’s wrong with DATING someone that doesn’t want to get married?

For Real – Because most people date to ultimately get married.

Alvin (on Marta with crazys and two steps from the car lot)

June 17th, 2009
9:48 am

for real…dude that the convo on why I don’t want any kids…lol

Page1908

June 17th, 2009
9:48 am

LOL ARed. It’s just funny to me. People do’t want to be “tied” to marriage, but to me, having a child with someone is the “ultimate tie-down”. I just don’t understand the concept of someone good enough to have a baby with but not good enough to marry.

-W8©

June 17th, 2009
9:49 am

I would not date anyone who did not have the same mind frame as I, in regards to relationship goals.

East Point's Own

June 17th, 2009
9:49 am

Like Tmac said this is one of those things that you don’t really know if you should believe of not from the start. I have dated women who did not believe in this or that.. come to find out 2, 3 months later that’s what they wanted all along. I dated a woman for 2.5 years in college and she said she did not want to get married until after she graduated college… well a few months before she graduated she asked why I had not proposed to her through 3 years of dating.. I reminded her that she stated very clearly 2 years prior that she did not want to get married before graduating college.

But on another note… I would not so much be concerned if a woman was anti marriage, as long as she was ready for a committed relationship. Or as long as we came to an agreement of what our relationship would be. The marriage ceremony and license is not important to me… its the relationship that matters. I would just have to be sure that she was not anti marriage because of some fear of committment or due to a plan to keep her playa card…LoL

http://hispointofview.com

Cemeeli

June 17th, 2009
9:50 am

Auuw man!! GUYS!

Did the insurgents pee in your cereal this morning?

Page1908

June 17th, 2009
9:51 am

For Real: Well, then the dude needs to strap his stuff up at all times. You say women trap dudes, then ummmmm the dude needs to seriously check who is sleeping with. No, I don’t condone a woman doing this, but I am sick of men not taking responsibility for THEIR own actions. If dude doesn’t really know who he is sleeping with, tell me, where is the trap??

Lioness-

June 17th, 2009
9:51 am

Good morning All :)

I was one of those women who avoided the whole marriage issue all together and I believe that is the reason I’ve only had two boyfriends in my life. I had NO intentions of marrying neither of the two men(really boys but anywho) I dealt with. The idea of marriage is a HUGE thing to me and always has been and I guess I knew from early on that I wasn’t prepared for anything of that magnitude. Can’t really blame an individual if they have specific views on marriage because nowadays, sooo many people are married and unfaithful. To me, marriage isn’t sacred anymore and hasn’t been for YEARS

My homegirl got married to her live in boyfriend of 4 yrs because she was pregnant by him. Mind you, dudes mail was still going to his moms house even though they had been living together for 2 yrs. He has 3 other children with 2 or 3 other women etc.. Moreover, she bought both of their rings.. She told me that if it doesn’t work out, that she will just get a divorce.. WTF?? Why get married with that frame of mind?

To me, a marriage should be harder to get into & out of and maybe some people would think twice about it.

MissQC

June 17th, 2009
9:51 am

Morning Bloggers…i would never date anyone who didn’t want to get married because that’s what i would like to do one day…For Real you still got it Man it’s always good to read you. I’m traveling to
Toledo, OH this weekend for the Edwin Hawkins Music & Arts Seminar…have a great day/weekend everyone TTYL :)

http://www.blackthen.com

AmazonRed™ - I ♥ a parade, yay Lakers!

June 17th, 2009
9:51 am

I just don’t understand the concept of someone good enough to have a baby with but not good enough to marry.

:idea: *putting a dollar in the collection plate*

Lioness-

June 17th, 2009
9:51 am

Sassy Me...juicy fruit :-)

June 17th, 2009
9:53 am

I would not so much be concerned if a woman was anti marriage, as long as she was ready for a committed relationship.

East pernt I agree with that….simply stated but quite heavy indeed.

For Real

June 17th, 2009
9:54 am

Maybe we should change the word “dating” to “marriage auditions” to end the confusion.

Page: I agree with you 100%

Grace

June 17th, 2009
9:55 am

Whew! you had me going there for a minute WISE, opening up the headline I thought the topic was going to be on religion.

Have you ever met or dated someone who doesn’t believe in marriage? Yes. Since I already knew it wasn’t going to end in marriage, and where his stance were, I didn’t make him a priority as far as getting to know him and implementing into each other’s life. We kept it above the waters.

Would you continue to date them if they didn’t want the same thing you did? Again yes, it’s just dating and I also multi date to so until I become exclusive that’s when I’m dating for marriage.

Growing up I was a non believer of marriage because of my parents divorce, marriage was not a preference but as I got older I changed my mind after much therapy knowing that I am not my parents, and started seeing the beauty in marriage and having one myself, I know circumstances can change a person’s mind.

AmazonRed™ - I ♥ a parade, yay Lakers!

June 17th, 2009
9:57 am

Maybe we should change the word “dating” to “marriage auditions” to end the confusion.

Fine with me. I don’t get the concept of dating just to date. Even long term “non marrieds” like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell aren’t just “dating.”

Page1908

June 17th, 2009
9:57 am

Thanks, Rell:)

Alvin (on Marta with crazys and two steps from the car lot)

June 17th, 2009
9:58 am

last thought on all them kids…I blame woman, lol

fuggwitit

SexyCool - You won't even see me coming.

June 17th, 2009
9:58 am

Some days, I really like my life just like it is and would only change it for the first million dollars (read: No marriage, no kids). Other days, I long for the security of a compatible, well chosen permanent companion to share my joy with (Read: A loving husband, beautiful children). Every day, I know that whatever my destiny holds more will come. My responsibility to the universe is to be open, willing and accepting.

And I am.

Three Words Daily – Be 100% commmitted.

Page1908

June 17th, 2009
10:01 am

Why is it ok to have a child with someone, but not marry them? Coming from a sociological perspective, this is quite sad to me.

AmazonRed™ - I ♥ a parade, yay Lakers!

June 17th, 2009
10:02 am

I dated a woman for 2.5 years in college and she said she did not want to get married until after she graduated college… well a few months before she graduated she asked why I had not proposed to her through 3 years of dating.. I reminded her that she stated very clearly 2 years prior that she did not want to get married before graduating college.

EPO – I guess it’s just me, but that was a valid question for her to ask. Getting proposed is not being married. She could still have gotten married after graduation.

Grace

June 17th, 2009
10:03 am

Page I can’t believe some people are good enuogh to co habitate, but not good enough to marry. Always using the excuse of not having enough money to get married.

SexyCool - You won't even see me coming.

June 17th, 2009
10:04 am

Considering the fact that “most” children are/were “happy or not so happy accidents”, the decision to have a child with someone you wouldn’t marry is often not a “decision” at all. It is an unintended consequence.

Professor

June 17th, 2009
10:07 am

@ Page I think I understand this ***I just don’t understand the concept of someone good enough to have a baby with but not good enough to marry.****

Two things are occurring here (1) when people fail to make a decision using precaution/birth control prevention a decision to have a baby is being made by default, and (2) people are very free with their bodies and sex. I mean you will find people that get intimate on a one-night stand (I am not judging anybody). Simply stated, do you really think people want to marry everybody they knock the boots with???

Cemeeli

June 17th, 2009
10:07 am

Lioness – somebody got them on they cereal or somethin’.

:)

AmazonRed™ - I ♥ a parade, yay Lakers!

June 17th, 2009
10:08 am

the decision to have a child with someone you wouldn’t marry is often not a “decision” at all. It is an unintended consequence.

SexyCool – This happened to my sister. She got pregnant and now she’s married. The point is, marriage had been on their agenda all along.

If I ended up pregnant by the dude I am seeing, he’d likely marry me because we should be on that page in the first place. It just may have to happen sooner than we hoped.

Lioness-

June 17th, 2009
10:09 am

Page- A person can’t give you kids if you weren’t a willing participant in the act..

I NEED women to STOP pressuring men into marriage. If the dude wants to marry you, he will tell you.. All that “suggesting” marriage when he has NEVER uttered those words from his mouth is LAME to me of course :mrgreen: