All My Energy
Have you ever heard the song by recording artist, Keri Hilson called Energy? She sings of a relationship that is all-consuming and requires a great deal of her energy. That is what I thought of as I read Raqi’s guest post. Don’t ask me how the woman managed to write anything for us with a newborn baby. It further proves my theory that women are superheroes! Check out what she has to say and weigh in!
Are you in a space war with your mate? We are all human and we all have our personal needs, issues and desires. But do your needs, issues and desires monopolize the intimate space within your relationship? By intimate I am talking about that interpersonal time that a couple shares.
Have you ever been invited to share a chair with someone and they took up most of the space? Not because of their size but merely because they didn’t take the time to realize they weren’t leaving enough space to accommodate your needs. In many of these instances due to lack of space we are forced to move to a different seat or room.
This is very much how many of us handle our personal relationships. We take up all the comfortable space with our own matters not leaving room for our partner to deal with theirs. When all the energy and time in the relationship is spent with dealing with one individual’s issues the other is left with nothing. No room to function within the relationship.
As it has been stated many times, to be unselfish just does not come automatically. We have to stay mindful of the fact that this is not “my” relationship but it’s our relationship. It is not all about me.
Raqi makes a compelling case about being self-absorbed and selfish in a relationship. I also think that a lot of single people avoid commitment because giving another person consideration is simply not what we are used to. What are your thoughts?
Have you ever been involved with someone that took so much of your energy? Have you been the one that took all the energy in the relationship?
accessAtlanta Partner Sites
Sections
Advertise on accessAtlanta.com »
Reach the audience you want by advertising on accessAtlanta.com
Join the Access Atlanta Network »
Advertisers and Publishers, expand your reach by joining the Access Atlanta Network.
Tell us what you think about the site
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement | About our ads
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
408 comments Add your comment
Eileen aka Patiences of a Saint
June 16th, 2009
8:20 am
Unfortunately, I’ve been here… not the space taker, but the one left with nothing >>> no room to function.
Lioness- Had a Weird Night of Dreams
June 16th, 2009
8:49 am
Good Morning All
Interesting topic! I am not with being in a one sided relationship but I have been in a few. Sometimes the other individual doesn’t realize that they are not being considerate of your feelings & sometimes they just don’t care.. I try to determine which it is, address it then see where it goes from there. If it continues, then it is self explanatory that the relationship is not going to work.
Cemeeli
June 16th, 2009
9:08 am
How come first thing this morning i gotta see a snake?!!! Man!
Morning…
Check this out: The only way someone can be inconsiderate to you and your time/enegry in a relationship is, if you allow them to. I have been taken advantage of…but it did not take long to leave that silly one.
AmazonRed™
June 16th, 2009
9:13 am
Morning everyone,
I’m usually the one that gets the short end of the chair. Both literally and figuratively. One thing I am not, especially for being a female, it emotionally needy. In addition, I haven’t had a hard life so I’m not searching for things like acceptance. So being involved with someone that required more of the energy balance is usually just a cross I have to bear.
Cemeeli
June 16th, 2009
9:14 am
@Lioness – Share that dream mami.
Rell - fireman!!!
June 16th, 2009
9:17 am
first post missing….
@cee…How come first thing this morning i gotta see a snake…would that be a georgia black snake…lol…you so nassy
raqi husband is lucky as heyal….i mean this post is the whole battle in relationships…most drama queens cant see this….
@ared
- I haven’t had a hard life so I’m not searching for things like acceptance…..i had this same arguement with a female just yesterday
Lioness- Had a Weird Night of Dreams
June 16th, 2009
9:18 am
Cee- Hey Darling
I had a dream that I was in a house with a dead body that had been there for a while & I had headrd of a serial killer being on the loose.. I awoke from that dream @ 2am & tried to go back to sleep but ending up continuing the dream. I ended staying awake & watching a movie & falling back to sleep @ 5:30
Cemeeli
June 16th, 2009
9:23 am
@ Rell – No silly. It was a real snake, and i didn’t hang around to find out what type snake either.
Professor
June 16th, 2009
9:26 am
Good Morning All:
I never really had the energy problem. I believe timing is everything and even in love & relationships the timing must be there. Maybe that is the musician in me so I sometimes see things in lyrics and music. With that said if I met someone and we click and suddenly they have problems and situations that are taking my energy I decide on whether it is too much for me. If I am in a relationship I view it the same way (do I stay or go), but I have to be able to energize myself and not take on someone’s problems in addition to my own. Some folks keep the problems high, which makes my energy low (you know like a blues song).
Do I take a person’s energy? Heck No!
In fact, I have been known not to share certain things because I did not want to appear needy or ask for help. I just hate worrying people with my problems. (That is one of my strengths and weakness).
Will I allow someone to take all of my energy? Heck No!
Professor
June 16th, 2009
9:28 am
@ Cee, I have snakes in my flower beds all of the time, but I am not scared of snakes! If you want to see me run like H.E.L.L. let me see a rodent.
Rell - fireman!!!
June 16th, 2009
9:30 am
@PROF….i still dont get it
I believe timing is everything
could you explain how timing affects relationships…to me everytime is the right if you want it…
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
June 16th, 2009
9:34 am
Hi WD, Good Morning Raqi…Having three kids that I was very involved in (I was the light sleeper and usually did the “chagne diaper and bring to mama to feed” so I know you would give anything for sleep. Definitely feel for you.
Good subject…and one that requires some serious reflection for all of us. There is a reason for the old adage that says “God gave you two ears and only one mouth so that you would listen twice as much as you talk”.
In the last year or two, when I have returned home from a date, I always ask myself this question, “did I dominate the conversation or did I draw out the other party and have her time to talk about herself?” Since I am, by nature, an extrovert, I can spend way too much time trying to sell myself, and not enough time exploring the other person. If I consciously reflect on this before I go out with someone new, I am more likely to draw the other party out about who they are and what THEY think. When I remember to do this, I find that my chances for another evening with an attractive, interesting lady go up tremendously.
My point is to SOMEHOW ALWAYS BE AWARE OF HOW MUCH TIME YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF RATHER THAN THE OTHER PARTY AND MAKE SURE HE/SHE DOES NOT GET SHORTED.
kinderbabe
June 16th, 2009
9:34 am
good morning all! CEE sorry to hear about that snake…i know that was scary.:(
well, i can admit, i’ve been on both sides. i’ve hogged the chair and gotten all the space hogged from me…lol. as far as i go, i think i have learned my lesson about being overly consumed w/my life and life’s activities. part of the reason i clung to those things for dear life was b/c i was afraid of “losing myself” in a relationship. i think it was b/c of prior experience and things i heard about that happening. fortunately, i have been in a relationship that taught me the contrary. giving some things up isn’t so bad. it doesn’t take anything away from me as a person. actually, there’s a lot to gain. found out there are some other things i like to do and enjoy with my sweetie…AND it added to who i am.
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
June 16th, 2009
9:35 am
Sorry for the typos and incomplete sentences. I hate these little dialog boxes.
Lioness- Had a Weird Night of Dreams
June 16th, 2009
9:36 am
Randy- I agree!
Leggs
June 16th, 2009
9:39 am
Good morning everyone!
I have had the energy sucked out of me. When I realized I was losing myself and suffocating I climbed my way back to the surface and gulped in as much air as I possibly could, then found my way to the courthouse. Compromise is a jagged sword and if both parties’ energy level isn’t meshed, problems, problems, problems.
Tazzee - countdown to football season, NFL that is
June 16th, 2009
9:40 am
I also think that a lot of single people avoid commitment because giving another person consideration is simply not what we are used to.
Yup – that was me. I’m still trying to get used to thinking about my relationship as ‘our’ relationship instead of mine.
Professor
June 16th, 2009
9:41 am
@ Rell the reason I say timing is everything, because you can meet a person at a bad time. When I was in grad school, I was a FT student and I worked FT because I was really trying to make some things happen so I did not date for 1 1/2, but during that time I met someone that was amazing, however I did not have the time to pursue the relationship. Another example, (we all probably had this one occur) I was in a committed relationship, but I met someone that I truly had chemistry with….
So to me (we are all different) timing is important, because you cannot build a solid foundation on a bunch of mess. I realize that there will always be something going on, but there is a cut on my drama scale.
Rell - fireman!!!
June 16th, 2009
9:42 am
@randyt
- I can spend way too much time trying to sell myself,
dude if she is out with you she is SOLD…dont be fooled with all that lets be friends and get to know…its nothing more than COMFORT that she seeks with you and like my cold war partner stated…ACCEPTANCE….thats it…women kill me with the friends first…most women i know are not attracted to there friends…there is no way to build attraction….thru the friend zone!!!!
AmazonRed™
June 16th, 2009
9:42 am
Randy – The extrovert/introvert angle is a good point.
I also tend to feed off people’s energy…instead of trying to draw it out more…
Tiff
June 16th, 2009
9:42 am
Hi..My name is Tiff and I’m a reformed energy taker.
Cemeeli
June 16th, 2009
9:44 am
as an extrovert, I can spend way too much time trying to sell myself, and not enough time exploring the other person
RandyT I can see your point here…but for those that could be considered the introvert in a relationship it’s a win. That’s where the balance scale is at its peek. Two introverts, or maybe two extroverts, make for a hard balance.
I really don’t see where you being an introvert as being “inconsiderate” at all. In fact I think you’d do great paired with an inverted personality.
Sassy Me...built for comfort not speed :-)
June 16th, 2009
9:46 am
I also think that a lot of single people avoid commitment because giving another person consideration is simply not what we are used to. What are your thoughts?
I think there is some some validity to that in regards to not being used to giving another person consideration especially if they’ve been single for a long time…..some might need some time to re-acclimate to being in a relationship but that would only go so far for so long. If a person wants you in their life then they will do what it takes to makes that happen.
Leggs
June 16th, 2009
9:47 am
“…dude if she is out with you she is SOLD” Not necessarily! She can be out w/you sampling just to see if she wants to buy.
i'm swiss
June 16th, 2009
9:49 am
“How come first thing this morning i gotta see a snake?!!!”
Was that a one-eyed snake, Cee? Swiss Miss asks that same question every morning…
AmazonRed™
June 16th, 2009
9:54 am
She can be out w/you sampling just to see if she wants to buy.
Leggs – So true. I won’t go out with someone who doesn’t have potential, however, sometimes you need to take the date(s), to confirm your initial instincts were right.
abc
June 16th, 2009
10:02 am
What is boils down to is givers vs. takers. Many people lean hard one way or the other. Some people are neither doormats nor completely self-absorbed. Avoid the former, embrace the latter.
kimmie
June 16th, 2009
10:02 am
Morning Gang!
I know you all heard about the Fayette tragedy where the boy accidentally shot his younger brother. They are family of mine. I am still in shock. Please keep us all in your prayers.
On topic – Great topic, by the way Raqi. Yes, I have been in relationships where I felt the energy was drained from me. Extremely one-sided. I remember when they were over feeling tremendous relief. I know for me, this is why at times I would take a break from dating. And thank God for my renewed piece of mind. The thought of having to put that level of energy into another person and dealing with some of the drama was just not worth it, even the physical intimacy. I am naturally a giver, so I found myself in relationships like that often.
Things are noticably different now in my current relationship. Yes, energy is required of me, especially with SO having 2 kids! But it’s GOOD energy. There is more give & take, less “keeping score”. In spite of all we have on our plates, we make sure to be considerate that the other’s needs are being met.
Rell - fireman!!!
June 16th, 2009
10:04 am
@leggs – She can be out w/you sampling just to see if she wants to buy.
lol…naw she just wants the free meal and to get out of the house…majority of women have NO LIFE AT ALL..outside of fixing a sandwich, watching lifetime and yapping on the phone..
won’t go out with someone who doesn’t have potential
- that proofs my point there
but here is a thought why does another adult have to validate your selection…if you feel i have potential then roll with it..i think folks start the end of the relationship at the start with this line of thinking
to confirm your initial instincts were right.
what is there to confirm…if you have qualified him properly then it shoud be all good….when you doubt yourself you doubt who you choose..period…there will always be something or one of those ” I KNEW IT” moments…just my POV
Professor
June 16th, 2009
10:05 am
@ Kimmie good point on the energy being GOOD energy!
Page1908
June 16th, 2009
10:07 am
Rell- This is a dumb statement: “the majority of women have no life at all”. Ummmmmmmmm maybe the ones YOU deal with. How can you make a statement like this?
Cemeeli
June 16th, 2009
10:10 am
Was that a one-eyed snake, Cee?
Swiss Stop it with the snake jokes. lol…
Turd Ferguson
June 16th, 2009
10:10 am
Uh…No.
Cemeeli
June 16th, 2009
10:12 am
HI Kimmie. Sorry to hear about your family. Request made is said and done.
kimmie
June 16th, 2009
10:13 am
Rell, you seemed like you were getting it together, but it looks like you’re on the backslide again.
Looks like you need to check your attitude about women – and upgrade your selection process.
Just a thought.
Leggs
June 16th, 2009
10:14 am
Rell, if you keep this up, you will remain ALONE and BITTER. Seriously, we are all “sampling.” When you ask a woman out, you are not sold. You’re not even sure if you’re going to be treated to the honey pot afterwards, but you’re willing to try. Bill of Sale not confirmed simply by going out to dinner.
kimmie
June 16th, 2009
10:15 am
Thanks Cee. I was with the grandmother half the day yesterday. They are doing as well as one can in such a tragic situation, but they are going to need to be lifted up constantly in prayer to get thru this.
Page1908
June 16th, 2009
10:16 am
^^^5 Kimmie @ 10:13am. I mean, come on. We all base our opinions on experiences we have had personally dealt with, so to me, if that is Rell’s feeling, then that speaks volumes to the type of women he deals with.
Leggs
June 16th, 2009
10:16 am
@kimmie, sorry to hear that this tragedy is your family. Stay strong and may God’s armour continue to surround you and your family. That brought tears to my eyes when I read about it.
Page1908
June 16th, 2009
10:17 am
I agree Leggs.
Raqi...Postpartum but not depressed
June 16th, 2009
10:22 am
Good Morning.
LOL WiseDiva no superhero here. I wrote what I sent you about a month ago. It was unfinished but I hoped you could still use it . I am glad you could. And I like the way you finished it.
I was just getting ready to wash the windows downstairs when my husband’s aunt and her friend arrived about an hour ago. When she saw my bucket of water and rags she asked what was I doing. She scolded me saying “Excuse my French but take your narrow arse upstairs and sit down before you set yourself back and end up back in the hospital.” I think Mason told me she is like 74. LOL Elizabeth is asleep and there is really nothing on the television to watch since People’s Court comes on in the evening now. I would go shopping but the guard dogs downstairs will not let me out of the house.
She is making dinner for tonight which I am really happy about. Since I have been home we have been eating food that friends and family members brought by. Everything leftover they are down there throwing out. I am supposed to be making a list for Costco and Publix. She is sending Isabel out to do the shopping. I personally feel fine. I was a little fatigue the first few days after I got home but now I am good to go. I think. LOL
I’ll hang out with you all for a little while until Elizabeth wake’s up since I am not allowed out of this room.
Now on the topic… (And thanks for allowing me my do over. LOL)
kimmie
June 16th, 2009
10:22 am
Thanks Leggs.
Tazzee - countdown to football season, NFL that is
June 16th, 2009
10:25 am
I’m an extrovert but like AmRed, I tend to feed off the energy of others. Mainly because I know I can monopolize a conversation with no problem. So in the beginning I’ll sit back and let the other person dictate the flow. If the flow is uncomfortable or there appears to be no flow, I’ll take the reigns.
Cemeeli
June 16th, 2009
10:29 am
Raqi Are you still “nesting”? Though, I truly believed in sleep when baby sleeps.
I remember those days, getting the house as clean as can be for the baby.
AmazonRed™
June 16th, 2009
10:29 am
LOL @ the ladies.
M'
June 16th, 2009
10:30 am
@Kimmie
I read about that…my prayers are with you and your family.
W8
June 16th, 2009
10:31 am
@Kimdawg-prayer for you and yours
@Randy – I always say we are made with 2 ears and 1 mouth..simple to live by that.
People give and take energy all of the time. You just have to find your threshold. Sometime you will be required to give more than other times. If it becomes constantly one sided then its a problem. Flip side..being a bit to dependant on your own self energy can cause problems also. I’ve had to learn to express myself a bit more and share my needs. But I struggle with pride a lot..working on it though
Elijah ( BKA The Snake Killer)
June 16th, 2009
10:32 am
An incredible good morning to all!
@Kimmie sorry to hear about your family, I hope GOD allows their spirit to heal fast!
Hello Ms. Sexy Sassy!
In my past relationships only the drama that I created drained me or the other person! Giving is easy when you know you are giving to a person you want to be with and that automatically gives me energy to produce/give on a regular basis!
Rell - fireman!!!
June 16th, 2009
10:34 am
lawwwwwwwwd…HERE WE GO AGAIN…lol
@page…have i meet some women that “HAD NO LIFE AT ALL”…sure did…did i stick around NOPE…lifestyles dont match….do i meet alot of women out and about at the same spot you go to…YEP…and most are HOMEBODIES..i am not..are they comfortable in living that way..YES…but it does not work for me…no hate…lets see up next
@kimmie
Rell, you seemed like you were getting it together, but it looks like you’re on the backslide again.
-see above…and check my attitude…love….i am good…sorry about the lose in your fam…tragic story
and last but not least from the lady that i hope whomever i marry again looks that good at her age!!!
@leggs
When you ask a woman out, you are not sold. You’re not even sure if you’re going to be treated to the honey pot afterwards, but you’re willing to try. Bill of Sale not confirmed simply by going out to dinner.
- this is why i dont ask women out on a “date” i may ask them to join me when i am out somewher….the honey pot afterwards…this is why i dont do dinner until after i have sampled the honey…i do other things during day light hours to keep me out of those situations….and if i ask a women out on a real date…9 times out of 10 she is my lady or at least the women i have a strong interest in
for the record – i am not bitter and i love women….i just have a different POV then the rest of the kool aid drinking nation of men…and if have to be alone for a minute to get what i want..then so be it…
@leggs…
Raqi...Postpartum but not depressed
June 16th, 2009
10:37 am
Cemeeli I would love to sleep while she sleeps but when your body is accustomed to being awake at certain hours of the day it is hard. I’ll probably take a nap after lunch but I am wide awake right now. She wakes about every 3-4 hours to be feed, but because I am not bottle feeding I can sleep while she eats and not have to worry about dropping the bottle. LOL I just check her latch every so often to make sure she still has a hold on. She only feeds about 30-35 minutes total per feeding.