Getting Her (Terrified) Attention
Violence against women, sadly, is nothing new in society, but it still is so unnerving to hear the reports. I always think, that could have been me. In the last few weeks, I have seen some disturbing news about women being attacked after turning a man down.
In the first attack, a woman was shot by a man while driving in her car, reportedly after she rolled her window up to avoid speaking to him. Then there was the story of a woman’s actual neighbor attacking her in her own home when she rejected his advances.
I have a lot of theories about the increasing numbers of attacks on women who reject men. I think there are contributing factors that stem from male and female dynamics, misogyny that infiltrates in different mediums, and mental illness that goes unchecked. What are your thoughts?
Guys, when you were being raised, what were you taught about handling rejection from women? How did you cope with it in your younger years, compared to now? Have you ever experienced problems with women after you rejected them? How did you handle it?
I remember reading about a speech that was given at the American Psychological Association, “What’s Good About Men” a few years ago. Dr. Roy F. Baumeister made some pretty interesting points. To wit:
“The essence of how culture uses men depends on a basic social insecurity. This insecurity is in fact social, existential, and biological. Built into the male role is the danger of not being good enough to be accepted and respected and even the danger of not being able to do well enough to create offspring.”
Do you agree with this idea? If this is true, I am interested in hearing how men cope with this type of pressure.
Ladies, do you try to use a little caution in letting a guy down because of incidents you hear in the news? Have you ever had an encounter with someone you rejected that was terrifying? How did you handle it?
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485 comments Add your comment
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
June 11th, 2009
8:45 am
I guess this is a topic I have no understanding about at all. I was taught to respect women, and would never consider hitting one…for any reason. The last time I hit a female, I might have been 12. It was my sister and even that was mostly self defense. It does not mean that I do not get mad, I can get as mad as anybody you know, but hitting a woman is off limits.
My questions about this topic stem from battered women who don’t leave after the first slap. One slap almost always leads to another, and don’t give me any shyte about “teaching her a lesson”. If a man hits a woman, he isn’t a man at all. It is that simple. If he has anger issues, then Uncle Sam needs more cannon fodder in Iraq and Afghanistan. Save it for war.
Professor
June 11th, 2009
8:50 am
Good Morning All:
Great topic WD! I do use caution when rejecting men due to some past experiences. In fact, I used to think that younger men could not handle rejection (18-25 years old), but I ran into some old fools…the one that was 22 years my senior took the cake.
Long story short, safety is a big issue for me, while most of the men I encounter are respectful and can handle “no” there is a small minority that cannot.
By the way ladies, I think it is important to distinguish between a man giving you a compliment and a man that is trying to “holla.” I have a lot of guys just saying I just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful or that you look very nice, and they keep going never asking for my number or anything…I think that is cool.
Professor
June 11th, 2009
8:56 am
Hey Randyt, I agree totally with your comments. I will say this from a woman’s perspective there are knuckle heads out there that will cuss you out, I saw one guy throw his drink on a woman in the French Quarters and other violent acts because you ignore their cat calls, pick up lines etc. Personally speaking I feel like I have to smile and let every guy down easy because I don’t know if he is unstable. So I just say that I am married and they look at my ring finger and don’t see a ring so I just say Melo is my husband (sorry Melo) and keep it moving.
NY2GA, Inc.
June 11th, 2009
9:10 am
I’ve always tried to let folks know in a nice way that I’m not interested. However, “being nice” doesn’t make sense to a man who is crazy, deranged, or just plain evil. I’ve had a few tense moments. But, I stated and then restated my position in a way that THEY could understand. I won’t say anything else on that…
There are some men out there that look at women as property. In his mind, he may not be able to have a huge home, make money hand over fist or drive the finest car…but he WILL have a woman in his control. Gotta watch folks that don’t know how to take rejection. Rejection is a part of life.
Sidebar: My antenna went up on the lady who said that she was attacked by her neighbor. Neither her or her daughter looked that upset to me on the news. Might be a backstory there regarding him and her…but that’s just my opinion.
Cemeeli
June 11th, 2009
9:14 am
Morning.
Professor I agree; a guy giving you a compliment and a guy trying to holla at your are two different things. If i guy tells me “whoever that dude is, he is lucky to have you!” compared to “lil mama he cain’t do it like me” <— two extremes!!! And one is a compliment while the other i very inappropriate.
PoppaG has not checked in? The Mrs. pass out punishment on him too.
Cemeeli
June 11th, 2009
9:17 am
@ NYGA – Very observant….Things that made me go “hmmmm”. When i saw it on the news this morning my thoughts are conflicting to how the story was shared with the public, as well.
Professor
June 11th, 2009
9:20 am
Hey Cee…
The reason I made that point is because I saw one of my friends get clowned for dissing this guy thinking that he was trying to holla. He was actually being nice and she was really tripping that day, and I still remember him going off. In a strange way (he was wrong and so was she) I can understand why he pulled out the jokes…
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
June 11th, 2009
9:21 am
On topic again…I was watching “The Godfather” out of the corner of my eyes a few weeks ago as I tinkered around my house. It came to the part where Tessio (Abe Vagoda) has betrayed Michael Corleone and they are walking to the car to execute him. He turns to Robert Duvall (if I remember correctly) and says “tell Michael it was ‘just business’ that I always liked him”.
My point is that rejection is “just business”. It comes with the territory. People that can’t handle rejection shouldn’t play the game. Unfortunately they never understand the concept that “if it is not right for one, it is not right for either”.
Cemeeli
June 11th, 2009
9:25 am
“I just say that I am married and they look at my ring finger and don’t see a ring so I just say Melo is my husband.”
The flood gates have been opened.
That was funny…
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - Vengeance is ours
June 11th, 2009
9:26 am
Morning all,
I had a friend who got pimp slapped by a guy for giving out a bad number. He called it right in front of her and lashed out when he realized what she had done.
In public, I definitely temper my mouth. But sometimes you just get a exceptionally weak dude who can’t handle the feelings of rejection, even when you are respectful.
The two women who got shot in their car for rejecting that guy made me really sad. Even sadder that that he hasn’t been caught (far as I know).
Professor
June 11th, 2009
9:29 am
I must tell this…my sister is an elementary school teacher and while teaching 4th grade she called a little boy’s parents because the boy was being so hostile to the girls in the classroom. He would bully the girls and sometimes fight them when he did not get his way (never did this to the boys). Long story short, my sister called the parents in for a conference both parents came to the conference (rare) and the boy’s father was the same way. My sister said he told his wife to shut up several times, and he finally said that he did not see the problem as long as his son made good grades (he pointed out that the teacher just wasted his time), because he sent the boy to school to learn…needless to say the boy continued his behavior.
Professor
June 11th, 2009
9:32 am
@ARed, I have had guys call the number that I gave them while I was standing there…when I was younger I used to give out the number to Murray Brothers funeral home. So I stopped doing that just in time…
NY2GA, Inc.
June 11th, 2009
9:33 am
BTW, Wise. This is a good topic. It needs to be discussed. But, I’m waiting for someone to come in and change the topic because it’s to heavy for them…
Anyhoo, when I first started reading this blog there were a cat or two that were on here that had no problem with turning this into a “justification to slap a bytch chronicle” every now and then. Hopefully, they’ve grown up since then and learned to keep their hands to themselves.
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
June 11th, 2009
9:35 am
@ Professor re your story at 9:29
I have long thought that when I hear about how someone in court is arguing that the perp should be let off because he had a bad childhood then the anser is not let him off, but throw the shytty parents in jail too. I know it can’t happen that way but in a perfect world it should.
On a personal note, I am hurt about this shooting in the Holocaust Museum in DC. I was there about two months ago with my daughter and I am certain from the pictures on TV that I talked to the guard that was killed. He was a big guy and VERY helpful and nice. There are some sick, angry, deranged people in this world who should never have breathed air.
Professor
June 11th, 2009
9:36 am
I could write a book on this topic. I knew this one guy (we were not dating) and I repeat we were not dating we just talked on the phone, because I did not feel comfortable going out with him. Well my instincts were right because he told me I was too “sassy” and that he could see himself shaking me and choking me. I was like WTF?? He went on to say that he knew CPR so that if he went too far he would revive me. I had to check my clip to make sure I was good…needless to say I deleted his number and never spoke to him again.
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - Vengeance is ours
June 11th, 2009
9:39 am
Well my instincts were right because he told me I was too “sassy” and that he could see himself shaking me and choking me. I was like WTF?? He went on to say that he knew CPR so that if he went too far he would revive me.
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - Vengeance is ours
June 11th, 2009
9:41 am
Yeah, Professor, I don’t really recall giving out bad numbers. Either I told them I was not intersted or if they seemed a little sketchy, give them the right number and never pick up. Only one or two called incessently (20 or more times) but eventually they give up.
Atltwen
June 11th, 2009
9:42 am
Men, like women, have insecurity issues; they vary person to person and no two people cope with them exactly alike.
E.g., my ‘92 Acura Integra, I’ve been driving for 10 years straight! Its been bashed, mashed, and crashed; stolen, then recovered; I’m shamefully embarrassed to drive this car. No air, no hubcaps, manual windows, oil leak, water leaks into the car when it rains, mold — on the inside and out — and a front wheel that does the “lean back” when I drive.
I don’t attend most parties nor social gatherings when invited, and I definitely don’t go out on dates unless the female already knows I drive a clunker. Hell, I leave church early sometimes just so certain people — a couple of females — don’t see what I drive. I will not put myself out there and approach women, until I purchase another car!
One can read, I’m terribly insecure about what I drive! Its only human; err, being a male.
Cemeeli
June 11th, 2009
9:42 am
The MisEducation of Cemeeli;
I never understood the men that justify their son’s unsavory behavior/antics toward women when they say “It’s in our genes”…”That’s how us Stanton Boys are breed”…You know the familiar clichés’. When the bottom line is…Nooooo, your son is wrong, and YOU are wrong for coddling that behavior.
Atltwen
June 11th, 2009
9:46 am
Yeah, I know, my subject is a ‘lil of base of the topic, my bad.
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - Vengeance is ours
June 11th, 2009
9:48 am
LOL Atltwen, your car sounds worse then mine. The only thing I try to avoid is valet, cuz it looks crazy when clunkers pull up.
But boy, part of me keeps it around to keep me humble. Cuz it certainly is not the same effect when you’re in your fly gear, legs showing, stunna shades on…and get into a hoopty!
SexyCool - The Original Million Dollar Black Woman
June 11th, 2009
9:50 am
I’ve told my story here a couple of times. I won’t tell it again.
I have surveyed my male friends to ask how to best discourage a guy’s advance because I have had men get offended simply because I wasn’t interested in anything past “Hello. Have a great day.”
I don’t have any answers for it.
Three Words Daily – Have a plan.
THE INFAMOUS DK
June 11th, 2009
9:54 am
Ok I was taught.. If a woman dont want you.. So what.. Its her loss and she just made room for a better woman to come on in. Dont hit women.. Punks do that.
I have a off topic discussion to discuss..
Women using the faux violence card to gain leverage in divorce. That was one of the reasons I was so bitter with my EX, because I was arrested and kicked out of my house because my ex “said” I hit her. I have never hit a woman in my life and when the police came I was laughing because I thought it was funny until I was cuffed and stuffed. Long story short I had to fight (Money/Time) to clear my name(dismissed/dropped Charges) and it came out in the divorce that this was a part of DIVORCE PLANNING her lawyer gave her advice about.
Professor
June 11th, 2009
9:55 am
BTW Ared, that nut had a daughter so I was like are you kidding me…who bred with you and why?
@Atltwen…at least you are aware of your situation. I am one of those women that cry over car troubles I can handle anything but my cars being “sick” with that said I will not get in a car that does not appear dependable…so I think you are making a wise decision unless you meet someone that you can trust enough and you can let her know your goals and why that car is just temp. The bottom line is if you can connect with her and she understands what is driving you instead of what you are driving she will bypass the car…she will probably just drive when you all go out or something.
SexyCool - The Original Million Dollar Black Woman
June 11th, 2009
9:55 am
Oh and the thing about ole girl getting attacked by her neighbor, I, too, feel like there is more to the story. Not saying that he was not wrong for his attack – just that there may have been circumstances leading up to it that provoked it. And then the whole thing about Jesus saved her. Even the Christian in me gave her the side eye.
THE INFAMOUS DK
June 11th, 2009
9:59 am
If you dont believe me you can search the internet about how to get your husband out of the house during or before divorce or securing custody of your child from a womans perspective.
Oh and after they found out she was lying they didnt do anything to her. I think if a woman lies on a man she should reimburse him for expenses and then have to go to jail and suffer through the same consequences he did.. Now if he did that he should be prosecuted end of story because punks hit women..
SexyCool - The Original Million Dollar Black Woman
June 11th, 2009
9:59 am
Professor – Atltwen never said the car was temp or mentioned having any goals associated with driving it. Besides, he’s been driving it for 10 years. That’s not temporary.
Leggs
June 11th, 2009
10:03 am
Good morning!
I stopped after the first comment (RandyT). I thoroughly agree with you. That first hit/slap more often than not will lead to violence down the road. After my divorce I pretty much stayed on HIGH ALERT. I knew he didn’t take the divorce well nor the moving out. I had my job alerted as well as my friends with the GBT on the 2nd floor. I thought he might snap at any moment so I kept all eyes open. It’s best to be alert and that your peripheral vision is at its best.
I do not understand men that hit women nor do I understand women who hit men. I grew up watching women egg men on and never understood why they would do that.
Professor
June 11th, 2009
10:09 am
@Scool, you are correct he did not mention it I did. Depending on where you are and where you are going driving a car for 10 years is hard labor (short term) for long-term goals. When he bought the car 10 years ago he could have had a life span of 5 years for driving the car and witnessed some set backs. I do not know his story, but most folks have goals and aspirations (maybe it is finishing school, hitting the lottery or finding another job). Heck he might be on that Dave Ramsey (I know I was that is why I drove a car for 10 years and I still drive it when I feel like it…shoot I drove it today). All that to say usually something deeper is going on…
M'
June 11th, 2009
10:11 am
Still reading through the comments…but a good topic indeed…
This is a very serious issue and it occurs more often that most ppl think…I have been physically threatened and verbally abused by men who can not handle the idea of “rejection”…and the funny thing is that these are not men that I have dated or been involved with, but rather men who I have had absolutely no interest in period…and who have been unequivocally told NO…not maybe, not yes…simply NO.
I find the level of emotional anger and rage that they can display to be psychotic because I have :
never understood the pattern that they follow:
1) They are told in no uncertain terms that there is no level of mutual interest emotionally or physically.
2) Despite constant restating the same disinterest, they continue to approach you with the same level of interest and incessantly aggravate and annoy with their aggressive behaviors of desired attachment. And they may continue this behavior for months…3, 6, 1 year…one guy kept at it for a ten year period every time I encountered him in public.
3)When they have finally internalized the “rejection”, they become violent, angry and threatening…both physically and verbally.
What I also find interesting is that it is their own inability to accept a simple no that creates the entire scenario of “suffering from rejection” because I do not understand how a person can have such an emotional-based attachment to another person in the absence of having any emotionally-based relationship with that person…and if a man can behave with the much hostility and anger towards me in the absence of an emotionally-based relationship…what would he behave like in one?…uh-huh…and of course, this is a non-stop issue for me because I am always single and out by myself…I rarely am seen with anyone, especially a SO type person, and so it seems to convey to these men that I am available to approach and to become attached to…funny too, I did not have that problem in the VA the way I do here in the GA…brothers there took a “no thank you”as a definitive lack of mutual interest and kept stepping…they did not get personal with it.
SexyCool - The Original Million Dollar Black Woman
June 11th, 2009
10:13 am
Professor – And sometimes, they just can’t afford anything else.
Wise Diva
June 11th, 2009
10:13 am
Good Morning everyone!
@Professor thanks so much!
@NY2GA, thanks! and yeaa, you are probably right. It is on the heavy side too. ah well, it will be interesting to see what transpires from the discussion
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - Vengeance is ours
June 11th, 2009
10:13 am
A guy without a car payment is good with me.
THE INFAMOUS DK
June 11th, 2009
10:14 am
If a man gets upset about rejection, he has some deeper issues than just you rejecting him.
SexyCool - The Original Million Dollar Black Woman
June 11th, 2009
10:15 am
Oh – My vehicle is 10 years old. I bought it used. I haven’t had a car note in nearly three years. I take very good care of it. It still looks fairly new. I am not ashamed for anyone to see it and I don’t hide it from valet.
So – I’m not knocking anyone for driving an old car. I’m just saying that driving one is not necessarily indicative of lofty goals.
Sassy Me...I've been naughty :-)
June 11th, 2009
10:17 am
Good mornting blog fam!!
Ladies, do you try to use a little caution in letting a guy down because of incidents you hear in the news? Have you ever had an encounter with someone you rejected that was terrifying? How did you handle it?
There are several aspects or angles to come from with this. Unfortunately some men don’t handle rejection very well but fortunately I’ve never had that problem. I think that sometimes men will guage a woman by how she may look(strong,meek/shy,hell-a-crazy) and “test” or “try” her to see what kind of reaction they’ll get. I used to live downtown(right smack in the middle of everything….5 points,Underground,CNN center,etc) and was almost always by myself. There were a few instances where I had to curse a m.fer out but that was it. Once that was understood I NEVER had any more problems. I know there were/are times I looked unapproachable but it’s b/c I don’t want a dumb negro in my face with that b.s.
Living downtown I knew I had to carry myself a certain way and guys recognized it. That’s not to say that I wasn’t approached by some one who may have been interested or just wanted to say “you look nice” or “hey pretty chocolate” and keep it moving(I like that more) but for the most part fools just leave me alone. Plus the fact that I “pack heat” helps,too.
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - Vengeance is ours
June 11th, 2009
10:19 am
Professor – And sometimes, they just can’t afford anything else.
Pretty much.
I can’t afford to buy what I want outright and I’ve gotten used to not having a car payment. It seems a little silly to buy something new just because my car is not cosmetically cute. It runs fine.
Professor
June 11th, 2009
10:22 am
I know when I drove a car for 10 years it was about being debt free and doing some things. Needless to say I bought two cars (not some junk) in less than one year and I might go for a 3rd one…so it just depends on what is driving you…not what you are driving.
@ M I love the break down.
@ WD this is a great topic…you are welcome.
@ Ared I agree no car payment might just make dinner at my favorite restaurant a regular thing…
I must say this I used to wonder if the guys that could not take rejection and became violent did it based on the woman’s size. The reason I question this is because my good friend is 6’1 without shoes on and it seems like less guys try her on that violent level when she rejects them…
Mr Laid Back
June 11th, 2009
10:25 am
It’s very simple…any guy that hits a girl for any reason is scum.
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - Vengeance is ours
June 11th, 2009
10:26 am
The reason I question this is because my good friend is 6’1 without shoes on and it seems like less guys try her on that violent level when she rejects them…
Professor – That may be something to that. I’m 5′11 and I can’t really remember a time where I’ve really felt threatened. Like, I have felt uneasy, but I have no stories where I can realistically say that I felt a guy was going to harm me physically.
Now a disclaimer to this is that I do only weigh 130 pounds so it would be easy to take me on. But with the height maybe a guy would assume that there is a big tall man in my family that isn’t too far away (and he’d be right).
M'
June 11th, 2009
10:26 am
@Professor
Thanks…this is a very serious subject for me as I have had to deal with this type of behavior for the entire time that I lived in the GA…and save for the Grace of Godit hasnot been I…but there are women who have been killed simply for saying NO or dismissing the nonmutual interest…it is very serious.
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - Vengeance is ours
June 11th, 2009
10:28 am
@ Ared I agree no car payment might just make dinner at my favorite restaurant a regular thing…
Professor – exactly. I eat out, hit the bar with my friends and lately I’ve been shopping quite a bit (which is a little abnormal for me). I’ve calculated a few car payments I’ve spent each month.
I’ll snap out of it soon and hanker down again. I do have some financial goals I’m trying to hit this year.
M'
June 11th, 2009
10:31 am
@Professor and Ared
I think that the height factor is very significant because I am only 5 feet tall and from my experience ppl tend to take a more aggressive proximity to me because my physical stature is perceived as non-threatening…there is something about ppl being able to be confrontational and look down on you that enhances the need to reclaim “control” over the situation.
Professor
June 11th, 2009
10:32 am
@Ared…you are probably on to something.
@M’ I agree this topic is near and dear to my heart as well. I actually left a job because of a stalker (he was not violent at the time, but the detective thought he would). I can also remember some of the stuff I saw at Freaknik (all of it was not pretty). GMA was talking about this same issue earlier this week, but they targeted teen girls many had died at the hands of their boyfriends.
Atltwen
June 11th, 2009
10:33 am
Professor – You are correct, there is more, going on; I’m a full time double-major college student @ GA State. And buying a newer, used, car doesn’t fit into the plans. Classes, internships, academic and social clubs; just not alot of time to work so I can purchase another car. I fell on hard times 3 years ago and had to sell my Honda Accord.
And yes, the female go drive. But their new cars make me even more self conscious. Then they ask me, “you wanna drive?”
AmazonRed – Oh, you fell my angst! I be so fly, new pair of Jay’s, designer jeans, crisp button-down dress shirt, got the smell good on, hair cut – and when step outside to get in my car, ITS SO ANTI-CLIMATIC!
I don’t even have a radio for goodness sakes, so I got to rap my hype song, The D.O.C,’s, “Funky Enough” to myself on the way to a party…its so sad.
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - Vengeance is ours
June 11th, 2009
10:35 am
I think that the height factor is very significant because I am only 5 feet tall and from my experience ppl tend to take a more aggressive proximity to me because my physical stature is perceived as non-threatening
M’, I think you and Professor cracked the code. At the very least, I can look most people in the eye, and sometimes, I’m looking down at you.
I have a friend who is 5 feet and she is very scrappy. I’m always wondering why she’s so quick to get defensive, especially with guys. Now I understand. She’s almost caught a couple cases though, throwing bottles and stuff. (which is not right either).
Professor
June 11th, 2009
10:37 am
@ M’ I could not have said your 10:31 better myself.
I agree with you Ared…I used to treat myself due to the sacrifices I was making not having car payments…although I was doing Dave Ramsey I did alter his approach to fit my personality otherwise I would have gone crazy
SexyCool - The Original Million Dollar Black Woman
June 11th, 2009
10:38 am
You’ve been a college student for TEN years? REALLY? Okay – just playing – I know you didn’t say that. I was just having a silly moment.
Make it do what it do, Baby Boy. Stay grinding.
Elijah ( It;s Hot out here for ???? )
June 11th, 2009
10:39 am
Good Morning beautiful people!
@Professor you do look good today!
Any time you see violence against women it continues to remind us of the lack of good father/parenting skills in our society! Their are too many young men who seem to think they can hit women after being rejected or turned down! As Sassy would say (Keep it Moving) it’s always a chance encounter and the odds of success are extremely low.
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - Vengeance is ours
June 11th, 2009
10:42 am
AmazonRed – Oh, you fell my angst!
I do, kinda. It is different for a girl, I never have to drive. If I got my car a paint job, I’d be striaght.
You car does sound pretty sad!
But stay strong. I know it’s hard to be a guy and not be pushing something fly. Some girls are shallow that way. I actually don’t mind it, especially if he has assets that really matter or is handling business like you seem to be!