He’s My Project
I was listening to Q100 recently when I heard a promo from The Bert Show. They were discussing people who were given warnings not to date/marry their mate. One young lady said that her then fiancee’s mother told her not to marry her son because he was “crazy.” Not like Borat crazy, but asylum crazy. She said that she married him anyway and her husband turned out to actually have some mental health issues. It was the final line that caught my attention: “Some people are given assignments in life, and he is my mine. He’s my project.” Now, I could not figure out if this was the most noble thing I have heard or the saddest. Perhaps a little of both?
One of the best dating tips my father gave me was to never try to change a man. If you don’t love the “crust” of a man, you don’t need to marry him. You know the crust of a man is like bread crust. That tough outer layer that is good for you, but you may try to pick apart or cut off. It’s not about what you want him to be, what he may become, or what you want him to become. It’s about loving him for who he is. I wish I could say that I always listened to that advice!
Ladies, why do you think some women consider men their projects, like a old house that has to be renovated to be move in ready? Do you think that is the most common mistake women make in dating? Have you ever tried it? What did you learn from the experience?
Guys, I have always heard that men hope that their women never change. Is this generally true? Do you want your woman to stay the person she is when you first meet her/fall in love? Have you ever dated a “fixer upper” female that you needed to polish up a bit? Was it a good idea or a disaster?
accessAtlanta Partner Sites
Sections
Advertise on accessAtlanta.com »
Reach the audience you want by advertising on accessAtlanta.com
Join the Access Atlanta Network »
Advertisers and Publishers, expand your reach by joining the Access Atlanta Network.
Tell us what you think about the site
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement | About our ads
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
541 comments Add your comment
Turd Ferguson
June 10th, 2009
8:08 am
Women are basically co-dependent and have low self-esteem. These so called projects of theirs take the “limelight” off themselves and any self-examination/introspection and tosses it on the guy. That way they might continue in their lackluster way, feel less guilt about their shortcomings and begin/continue with their numerous complaints and jabs at their husband or boyfriend supposed “issues.”
Ladies, if ya arent happy with him now your probably never will be.
Ladies, if ya arent happy with him period then why are ya with him?
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
June 10th, 2009
8:40 am
Re this question, read rule #8:
10 Rules to Live by That Will Make Your Life Easier
1) Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and the pig likes it.
2) Never argue with an idiot; people watching might not be able to tell the difference.
3) Observe everything; admire nothing.
4) It’s easier to obtain forgiveness than it is permission.
5) Never resist an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
6) Don’t ask the question if you can’t live with the answer.
7) Things are never so small that they can’t be blown out of proportion.
9) If you don’t know what you’re doing, you won’t know when to quit.
10) Never look back unless you intend to go that way.
Number 2 has been a favorite of mine for at least three decades. Number five is probably the best rule of all.
FEE
June 10th, 2009
8:44 am
@Turd, when I read your first line, I was immediately heading for defense row.. but I had to take a deep breath… and have a whoosah moment.
First, **basically** not all women are co-dependent and have low self-esteem. Women are generally nurturer’s, which mean they are not afraid of handling the dirtiest of things and cleaning them off. We often times, are able to look past the faults of a person, and look beyond the surface long enough to see a persons potential often not even seen by themselves.
I agree with your latter statement somewhat, if you arent happy and the why’s. But just know, that is not the case in every situation and shouldnt be a blanket remark.
Now in regards to the topic, we have to evaluate who we are at the time that we took on this undertaking, it is often reflective of where we are at that particular time in our lives, and what we have been going through. I believe we meet people throughout our lives for a particular reason, or season, and when we realize why the person has come in our lives, or cross our paths then we wont fall into a “project” relationships.
We all are answers to someone else, it could be emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, and sometimes mates. but know your lane and stay in it.
FEE
June 10th, 2009
8:46 am
Randyt,,, I love the top ten, I will be a thief this morning, and steal them…. LOL
Lioness-
June 10th, 2009
8:46 am
Good Morning All
Marriage is not sacred anymore! It is very sad that people feel that since they are in love that they should marry.. Not that simple because there are SO many other factors to be taken into consideration. I frankly don’t understand how everyone and their momma think it is ok to just marry anyone because they are in love.. If/when I get married, I am not with getting divorced UNLESS I HAVE to! Marriage is a HUGE deal in my life so huge I was scared of it because it is such an important step in life. I feel the same about having a child.
LOL @ trying to change a person! Doesn’t work
Lioness-
June 10th, 2009
8:47 am
Hey Fee
East Point's Own
June 10th, 2009
8:49 am
I try to avoid dating women who obviously are in a state of disrepair. But then there are those who are fine on the surface, and you don’t find out for weeks/months that there is damage under the surface. There have been times when I have felt the desire to stick around and be supportive of a women who may need some work,but in certain situations its a signal to run far away…. and fast.
It all depends on what’s wrong, and how she is dealing with it. One of the few things which I have found is almost impossible for me to deal with is a woman with (larger than “normal”) self image issues, because they tend to think about and treat themselves so negatively its hard for me to handle, on top of that I don’t know how they could ever care for me if they don’t love their self first.
http://hispointofview.com/2009/06/reccommended-reading-2/
Stan
June 10th, 2009
8:54 am
Women marry a man and expect him to change, then get mad when he doesn’t.
Men marry a woman and expect her to NOT change, then are suprised when she does.
Lioness-
June 10th, 2009
8:56 am
I used to deal with a dude whose dad committed suicide when he was in high school.. After he told me that, I KNEW that him & I couldn’t be anything because it explained why he was so cold at times. I would look in his green eyes and see complete darkness.. It wasn’t my place to try and change that grown man cause nothing I did nor said would mean anything too much since I had never had anything that traumatic happen to me.
FEE
June 10th, 2009
8:56 am
Hey Lioness… how are you…. Stan… good one…. it was so nice out this morning, I almost did a U-E to enjoy the day at home… LOL
FEE
June 10th, 2009
9:02 am
Lioness.. sometimes you dont need to have experienced a mirrored situation in order to be there for a person during a rough moment in life, at times support comes when you have a heart of compassion, and being able to tell that person that another one’s action sometimes have nothing to do with them, especially in that kind of situation.
You may not feel you are adequate enough to help someone, but know and believe if God sends someone your way, and they confide in you, somewhere within you possibly may be an answer.
-W8(feel asleep and missed the whole game..Go Magic!!)
June 10th, 2009
9:10 am
“I try to avoid dating women who obviously are in a state of disrepair. But then there are those who are fine on the surface, and you don’t find out for weeks/months that there is damage under the surface.”
@EPO- I totally feel you on that..man on man do I feel you.
I am not into changing people and I have experienced women changing..I pay attention to everything. If a person has issues in the beginning it’s not going to get better. If they has little things that bother you and you continue to proceed thats on you. I am glad that I now have the wisdom to get the hell on when I see the signs that may become an issue. Insecurity, accusations, low-self esteem, to high self-esteem, usually mask underlying issues..but when you might the right person things just tend to click and you just accept them for who they are
-W8(feel asleep and missed the whole game..Go Magic!!)
June 10th, 2009
9:12 am
**disclaimer** blackberry posting today..at the range today scoring the new guys
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - You didn't expect a sweep did ya?!
June 10th, 2009
9:16 am
Ladies, why do you think some women consider men their projects, like a old house that has to be renovated to be move in ready?
I don’t know. Even the home I bought was move in ready, I didn’t have to change a thing.
I guess some folks are “fixers” they don’t feel compete unless they put in work or something. I’d prefer you work on your own issues and fix the fatal flaws before you jump into the dating world.
FEE
June 10th, 2009
9:16 am
WHO DONT HAVE ISSUES AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER IN THEIR LIFE. If you are walking this earth, and have two legs, you have issues…
The Truth- Someone please turn the temperature down
June 10th, 2009
9:18 am
Turd, that was some tight ish. I’m trying to process that to see if its true. Ok, I’ve processed it and its true. LOL I’m giving you the new title of Dr. Turd.
I think every cat in here can tell a story about a chick he had feelings for and when she realized that she flipped like a pit bull. Nothing was off limits in her attempts to control things. The only thing to do is shake your head and walk away. I dated a chick that I’d introduce to friends and she’d act pleasant then after they left she’d start the madness. I tried to knock her off as long as I could but after the first time mentally that one was over. Good booty though.
Lionness, co-sign the first part of your 846 post. Cant even read the second half. LOL
East Point's Own
June 10th, 2009
9:18 am
This article is somewhat on topic… but its about why women sometimes overlook guys for minute things that don’t really matter.
http://www.theroot.com/views/what-single-women-can-learn-michelle
-W8
June 10th, 2009
9:18 am
@ The project statement- On the flip side do women ever find a man that is up to their standards? I’m not saying this in a smart way, isn’t our significant other always a project of sorts? I’ve been trained before and also do some training..lol
East Point's Own
June 10th, 2009
9:20 am
Why are the crazy ones usually the best in the bedroom???
-W8
June 10th, 2009
9:21 am
@Truth- I am about to start calling you..Rev. Truth, because you are speaking into my life..lol
East Point's Own
June 10th, 2009
9:21 am
yeah I said it… LoL
-W8
June 10th, 2009
9:23 am
@EPO- I guess that’s how they balance out..but that’s a true statement also…thing is I tend to like them rather than a woman who doesnt raise hell..something is wrong with me
M'
June 10th, 2009
9:24 am
Personally, I think that it is more sad than noble because by labeling him as a “project” she has objectified his existence and identity as an “it” of her emotional attachment rather than as a person…and I would infer that she, herself, has some co-dependent need issues that are validated by her “devotion” to her project…not her husband…hmmm…I do not want a “project” for a mate…I want a man who is fully grown, autonomous, emotionally healthy and able to handle his business…just as is deemed necessary and appropriate…not a “handicap”.
I have learned that not all ppl have an emotionally healthy perspective of relationships. And, I have also learned that not all ppl have altruistic intentions when it comes to what they do for other ppl…in other words, they do what they do because it allows them to feed off of the other person’s need in order to feel emotionally validated or valued…or even feel a sense of control over the other person’s dependent state…and some call this love…and they believe it to be so.
I have never been involved with anyone that I have tried to change…but I have been with men who think that they can or could change me…NOT!!!!…and I have never understood that irrational measure of non-thinking…if who I am as a person is not what you are attracted to, then why waste your time becoming emotionally attached to me…DUH!!!!
Professor
June 10th, 2009
9:26 am
Good Morning All:
I am not into changing anyone. Long story short, I will take the good with the bad and if I cannot deal with it the peace sign is in order. As for staying the same person, I can understand wanting that superficial stuff like weight to stay the same; however, human beings are complex and I would want my mate to continue to grow (not in the waist) and become a lifelong learner. In fact, I know we will grow together.
I have a coworker that complains about her marriage after 20 years. She told me the problem is, he is still the same person after 20 years he has not learned anything new, he does not want to try anything new and she has continued her education, found new hobbies and done some traveling all without him. The funny thing is she said he does not get it and does not even know she is totally unhappy in the marriage…she said she would hurt his feelings if she told him.
@Randyt- I live by several of these #5 and #10 especially. In fact, #10 has a Biblical meaning to me.
@W8-Don’t feel bad about missing the game I did the same thing.
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - You didn't expect a sweep did ya?!
June 10th, 2009
9:26 am
Looks like I’ll be getting some work done today. The battle of the sexes is already gearing up.
Look, one or two off kilter dudes or chicks should not have marred your dating experiences. And if it’s more than one or two…maybe you should check your traps and see why you keep finding such broken people.
FEE
June 10th, 2009
9:27 am
Truth…. did you get my divorce papers yet… LOL… and dont that make you crazier for wanting to keeping knocking off the crazy booty!
The Truth- Someone please turn the temperature down
June 10th, 2009
9:29 am
W8, what are you guys shooting? 9m and m16s? I’ve already done the Rev thing in blogsville but got caught looking up to many dresses and stealing from the congrgation. I just wanted to be like the real preachers. LOL
EPO, its no joke. Get a chick with some mental hangups or unhappily married and you better put on a sadlle cause the ride is wild. Thats fire booty for real.
FEE
June 10th, 2009
9:33 am
Amazon… love your 9:26am… its about the law of attraction, you essential attract who you are… !!!!!
-W8
June 10th, 2009
9:34 am
@Professor- I mean I missed the whole thing, didn’t even know who won until my daughter woke me up to turn the tv off.
@M- your post is on point
@ARed-”maybe you should check your traps and see why you keep finding such broken people”..yup if they always do what they always done they will always stay the same..lol..and no I don’t expect a Lakers sweep(but I hate to say that they will probably win the series, hopefully I am wrong)..how are you this morning?
M'
June 10th, 2009
9:34 am
And if it’s more than one or two…maybe you should check your traps and see why you keep finding such broken people.
Awrighty now Sistah ARed…have some church and speak the truth…amen, amen, amen
…that is so true and the ironic thing is that as simple a truth as that is, some ppl never get it…sad, but true…we choose who we want to emotionally value by the desire of our own volition…it is not chosen for us by some coercive and objective force against our will…period…and if we continue to choose the type of ppl to become involved with that always ends in a negative outcome…then we must assess that fact that the only constant is self and the others are the variables…isolate the “x:” factor and solve the equation.
The Truth- Someone please turn the temperature down
June 10th, 2009
9:34 am
Fee, i got them and trashed them without even reading them. our vows clearly stated “she’s my stuff til I turn to dust”. I meant it when i said it and nothings changed. Is it the athletes foot thats driving you away. I can get powder for that. Lets work it out smoochy.
Professor
June 10th, 2009
9:39 am
@ M’ I had one guy to even tell me the things he was going to change about me (from my hairstyle to making sure that he broke my spoil ways). The funny thing about it I did not even look at him as dating material and here he is talking about changing things on me. We were friends in high school…lost track of each other and he started talking about a relationship and changing me, which is lame in my eyes.
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - You didn't expect a sweep did ya?!
June 10th, 2009
9:39 am
Thanks Fee, W8, and M’
I know this blog is a vent session of sorts. I know folks have had some crazy experiences…
But if you can seriously start your sentences with Men are… or Women are… and cast a whole gender of people in one negative light… it’s probably you.
Cuz really…you’ve probably dated say .000000000000000000014% of the population and reached that conclusion?!
-W8
June 10th, 2009
9:41 am
@Truth- Today, 9mm,M4’s,M16’s,M203’s,Sig P226 Sig P229,Benelli M1 Benelli M1014, Remington 870,1100, Mossberg 500 and 590,CAR15, HK, G36[18] & HK416,HKG3, M14,Remington 700P.50 caliber sniper rifle. Then we had to the MOUNT site for Urban Warfare qualification..I’m up here in the booth watching trying to put my team together.
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - You didn't expect a sweep did ya?!
June 10th, 2009
9:41 am
how are you this morning?
W8 – I’m doing great this morning. I sleep very well at night. Thanks for asking.
And yeah, I didn’t expect a sweep either. My Magic friends are talking trash, but for the Lakers to win in 5, 6, or 7 games, it means they’re gonna have to lose a couple. So I don’t see why they think they’re doing much!
FEE
June 10th, 2009
9:42 am
LOL… Truth… No Its the athletes booty you keep getting…. LOL… you dont luv me like you use too…
You know I had to think, sometimes we take people on as “projects” so that we ourselves feel needed in some way, shape, or form.. you know… geese that is sad.. but true…
I will not date by any means necessary, that is why I have been single for many years, there are alot of half baked bread loaves out there! and dough does not taste good to me.. .
FEE
June 10th, 2009
9:44 am
Amazon you are in the rare form with your truth this morning… loving it darlin… you know…. this is my take, you making me think…. if you date 8 people and end up with all them saying the same thing, or ending in the same way, or you move somewhere differently and experience the same situations 10 times out of 10, its you.
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)
June 10th, 2009
9:50 am
Why are the crazy ones usually the best in the bedroom???
WHY…WHY…WHY?…..just aint fair
On topic: I have some friends who seem to revel in making men their “projects” and give them a Jenny Jones makeover. Then they have the nerve to get upset when the dude then ditches them for someone else. Never understood that and still fail to. As for me, I’ve never tried to change a man b/c if he wants to then he will…he has to have an impetus to want to do so. I support,encourage and cheer for my man when things are good and I’m there for him as a shoulder to lean/cry on when the shyt gets tough. I am a ride or die one man woman BUT people must understand that when you try to change a person they become bitter,resentful,jaded and want to leave YOU.
I HEART YOU DWIGHTTTTTTTTTT!!!
Professor
June 10th, 2009
9:56 am
I used to volunteer at an alcohol and drug treatment center, and you would be surprised on how many relationships failed when the person in treatment was getting help and the enabler was no longer needed to “fix” things. It was almost like what do I do now, since you are getting help. Long story short, I am scared of those folks that always try to fix people because I saw them dash in a hurry when they were no longer needed to fix and control things (not all, but enough to make me say Ummm). I will never forget one guy stating that his marriage always falls apart when he is clean and sober, but when he relapses his wife would be there for him and could deal with the addiction better than the sobriety.
Leggs
June 10th, 2009
9:59 am
Good morning everyone.
Very interesting topic, WD. I think it’s a little of both. It’s sad, yet noble at the same time. You know there’s something wrong, but your love for this person outweighs the difficulties s/he would go through without you. Much like the Dr. Nash in his life story “A Beautiful Mind.” Through “sick and sin,” through “thick and thin” you’re determined to be there for that person. In that regard, it’s a noble thing to do because you’re love has become your beacon and you’re willing to see it to the end.
Hello, Fee!
Going to workout!
Melo
June 10th, 2009
9:59 am
Why are the crazy ones usually the best in the bedroom???
Good qstion EPO
Sex itself is like having helium/coc etc.Most crazies dont even need helium or coc.They are coc induced already.
So if u put helium on helium u get a Huge explosion.
I think thats why.
-W8
June 10th, 2009
10:00 am
@Sassy- You should teach a class..lol
I have seen some of my female friends..take a guy clean him up, fix him up only to have him leave her..I have also seen some male friends “save” women only to have them leave him…some people got it messed up
FEE
June 10th, 2009
10:00 am
@professor, like I said, some people only feel good when they feel needed.
-W8
June 10th, 2009
10:01 am
@Melo-On the other side the quiet professional ones who have mostly everything together are great during “sessions” also..
East Point's Own
June 10th, 2009
10:03 am
Melo See if I was a woman I would discard your whole statement because Helium is not flammable, therefore it can’t explode…. but since I am a man, I know what you mean playa… LoL
AmazonRed™ - Lakers baby! - You didn't expect a sweep did ya?!
June 10th, 2009
10:03 am
Hey Leggs. Missed you yesterday.
Fee where have you been?
Raqi ain’t thinking about us, but I miss her wisdom on here too.
Turd Ferguson
June 10th, 2009
10:03 am
“Why are the crazy ones usually the best in the bedroom???”
Because we have lowered our inhibitions and enjoy adventure.
FEE
June 10th, 2009
10:04 am
W8, they dont have it messed up, they only have it MIXED up… like I said earlier in the post, sometimes, we get it misconstrued as to why we are suppose to be in a persons life, when they cross our paths, not everyone that cross our path, are suppose to be our mates, best friends, partners, etc, etc. Its knowing your position, fulfilling it, and not inter mingling others stuff into it… thats when we get a messy situation…
HEY LEGGS>>> I need to be right behind you with working out… Truth got my godly hips spreading…LOL
FEE
June 10th, 2009
10:05 am
Amazon, I seem to have got lost for a minute… dont know why…
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)
June 10th, 2009
10:06 am
W8 thank you for that but I think YOU should teach a class,too. I like reading your posts on how you treat the women you’re in relationships with because if/when I enter into another relationship that’s how I’d like to be treated. You dropped some real gems on yesterday.
Actually Dan, EPO and Truth I enjoy reading your posts b/c it gives me more insight from the male perspective. Yes Sassy Me just had a moment