Coming Clean
If I am in a dating relationship with a guy, I don’t usually push him to close things off with other women. It just doesn’t work (oh yes, I have tried it!) and often times it backfires. Things go a lot smoother when the guy decides on his own that he wants to shut down his rotation or discontinue his booty procurement single guy behavior.
It usually doesn’t really take long when things are right between two people. You get to that point where you are spending all your time together and there is no room or desire for “the others.” I call “the others” any individual that can be called upon at any moment for rendezvous.
However, sometimes one (or both) of you, for whatever reason, backslides or slips up. Perhaps an ex whose statue of limitations seems to be infinity resurfaces; or maybe a bachelor/bachelorette party got too crazy. What do you do when you have done something with someone else? Do you come clean and fess up?
Has this ever happened to you? Were you the confessor or confessed to? How did you handle it? Did you respect their honesty and work through it? Did you call them names and give them the heave ho (er, no pun intended)?
If you are only dating and have not had any official talks of exclusivity, do you let the person know about “the others” that you haven’t quit yet?
Even after “the talk”, I have always thought that men need at least 90 days to wrap up loose ends, so to speak. I personally need a little time too! You know, let the fan club know there is a new President. Let them know that they can’t call me randomly at weird times anymore. How long does it take you to clean out your cell phone and put other interested parties on ice indefinitely?
Happy Wednesday!!
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482 comments Add your comment
Tazzee
June 3rd, 2009
8:45 am
Morning Folks and Happy Hump Day!
Interesting topic. I haven’t slipped up while in a relationship but I did have an episode where I’d decided to give this guy a chance to woo me and a blast from the past made an appearance. I did not tell the new guy because we hadn’t even been on a date yet but I did tell the blast that we couldn’t deal anymore. Until there’s talk of exclusivity, I don’t expect a guy to give up his rotation. However, unlike Wise Diva, there’s no ‘wrap up’ period given after we have that talk. I expect that once a man decides he’s ready to be exclusive he will have already wrapped all loose ends.
Also, unlike Wise Diva, I don’t have a fan club
I do have guys that have hinted around trying to get with me that I kept on a friend level. If they call while I’m in a relationship, I make it known that I’m taken. I don’t pull out my cell and call guys letting them know I’m taken though – I don’t have any of those type of loose ends.
-W8©
June 3rd, 2009
8:57 am
I have never ever gone back to an ex once it’s over. If I am single I can do what I want..if we are exclusive I am all yours and only yours..Once it gets to that point i give the woman two weeks to tie up loose ends and if he doesnt get the hint after that..I get involved and let him know as he is then disrespecting our relationship..on my end before it happens the others already know that I am heading towards something serious with someone else and it’s a wrap..
Kym
June 3rd, 2009
9:03 am
Good Morning All,
Considering I have a more “liberal” point of view regarding this topic think I will lurk and see how it goes.
kimmie
June 3rd, 2009
9:03 am
Morning Gang
Loose ends are already cut off after the end of each relationship. When it’s over, it’s over for me. Even the very few I’ve remained friends with are not a threat to a new relationship. Those that try to double back after we’ve been done for years – well I just ignore their calls.
Most guys I’ve dealt with have been smooth enough to wrap up unfinished business unbeknowest to me. One did slip up with an ex-girlfriend years beyond the probationary period and confessed to me. This was the dude I spoke about yesterday from Cali. It was really the beginning of the end for us – in fact, it should have been the end. For his sake, he would have been better off keeping it to himself. We may have gotten married, but then that would not have worked out good for me. Things worked out as they should!
Saw those beautiful pictures of our President arriving in Saudi Arabia and the pyramids in Egypt, where he’ll be giving a speech later. A sight to behold!
AmazonRed™
June 3rd, 2009
9:04 am
Morning all!
Timely topic. You know, I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend. Usually, when I’m unhappy in a relationship, or someone else strikes my fancy, I simply break up with the person.
But as I’ve gotten older, better men come along and sometimes at the same time. I met a guy who wants to be exclusive with me, then we had our first fight, so you’re already feeling some kind of way when your phone rings with and “old friend” wanting to come and visit. The universe has a sense of humor.
-W8©
June 3rd, 2009
9:11 am
@ARed- are you saying that you are more open to an “old friend” after an argument? And where is my Kobe shirt..ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..can i wear it under another shirt?
kimmie
June 3rd, 2009
9:14 am
Amred – The President predicted the Lakers in 6 games!
I would like the Lakers, but I can’t stand Kobe.
Cemeeli
June 3rd, 2009
9:17 am
Morning gang!
Come Clean in a relationship/dating well….
Dating a guy, I would not want to know all about his rotation status, unless it’s going to hurt or harm me. If you’re out on a date and one of his “rotations” is a lil more serious than he’d ever thought, and that chic come at you with an axe…Maybe, just maybe we need to know about these things.
In a relationship – Please! Only on a need to know bases. I don’t have much to “come clean” about dating several guys in the past, or any “rotation.” Also, when a relationship is over, it’s dead to me. There’s nothing I’m ashamed to divulge.
Let’s just be!
AmazonRed™
June 3rd, 2009
9:17 am
W8 – I’m just saying I haven’t seen this guy in years and now he wants to come visit. Nothing is gonna happen (didn’t happen when I was single) but such a visit is inappropriate for a person in a relationship. So it’s something I’d have to “come clean” about.
P.S. Don’t worry about the bet dude. Bottom line is, you lost, so I’m good with that.
Cemeeli
June 3rd, 2009
9:20 am
btw-
P.S. My favorite “Inside the Whitehouse” part was when Michelle and Sasha (in her capris) hanging out with Bo, the dog.
AmazonRed™
June 3rd, 2009
9:22 am
Amred – The President predicted the Lakers in 6 games!
Well, he’s a smart man. And I figured he’d stay true to his “western” roots.
Tazzee
June 3rd, 2009
9:27 am
Cemeeli – you bring up an interesting point. Whenever I meet a guy I do ask if there are any women out there that might be calling my phone. I’ve had my fair share of phone calls from females and I try to get that out the way in the beginning. Never thought about a crazy woman coming at us while in public though.
I missed the Whitehouse special last night – worked late. The cable guy is at my house right now – I’ll be so glad to have DVR again.
-W8©
June 3rd, 2009
9:29 am
P.S. Don’t worry about the bet dude. Bottom line is, you lost, so I’m good with that.
@Ared- Than you for that you are most gracious..you do not know how much strife that has caused in my personal life..I told some close people and they look at me like I’m crazy..”you lost a bet to a woman on the internet..and you have to do what?”..and that lead to a whole other convo…lmao..Thanks once again..and yup I lost…it happens..rarely..but it does happen..lol
kimmie
June 3rd, 2009
9:29 am
Cee – I missed the Whitehouse special too. Probably can catch it online though.
Cemeeli
June 3rd, 2009
9:29 am
Kym – Come out of Lurkesville. You know your liberal point of view is needed.
Kimmie/Ared Say a girl with a Lakers t-shirt dress on ….and the sis was not told by her friends that she was to (let’s say she was to tall) to have it on with the “black” showing.
Turd Ferguson
June 3rd, 2009
9:31 am
Diva been slippin around eh…Now FESS up!!
-W8©
June 3rd, 2009
9:31 am
P.S. Don’t worry about the bet dude. Bottom line is, you lost, so I’m good with that.
@Ared- Than you for that you are most gracious..you do not know how much strife that has caused in my personal life..I told some close people and they look at me like I’m crazy..”you lost a bet to a woman on the internet..and you have to do what?”..and that lead to a whole other convo…lmao..Thanks once again..and yup I lost…it happens..rarely..but it does happen..lol
@Kimmie- Hey!:)
Grace
June 3rd, 2009
9:33 am
No slip ups or backsliding, once it’s over it’s over and your number is blocked…..too bad I can’t block the texts though…..as far as being monogamous, that’s me all the way all day.
I’ll give a guy a few days to wrap up unfinished business with his lady friend(s), no problem.
M'
June 3rd, 2009
9:34 am
If the relationship is not bound for a more serious situation and there is not any intimacy between myself and the other person…then I would not be one to make a big deal out of it…I would take it as an indication that the person is not trying to make any “exclusive” decisions…and WD is correct…in that trying to force a person into making that type of decision is an exercise in futility, truly…mainly, I believe, because “adults” do not like to be told what to do…so a more rebellious behavior is apt to manifest…it just seems to me that when both ppl are ready to make that decision, then it will come to the table as required…or so me thinks…lol
Hope e’erybody is having a good week so far
Cemeeli
June 3rd, 2009
9:34 am
Tazzee The drama from a guy’s ex-girlfriend is not cute. There are some times i’ve seen women going to blowes, or about to got to blows over a dude. No sir, i don’t have time for HIS drama if we’re out on a date. Take care of your mess!
Note: “Inside the White House” Part 2 tonight @ 8 on NBC.
-W8©
June 3rd, 2009
9:39 am
@Ce- I have to step up..I have never had to women fight over me..hmmm…just kidding..it’s a respect thing though a person should handle all business before getting deep..
kimmie
June 3rd, 2009
9:43 am
Hey W8!
Raqi
June 3rd, 2009
9:44 am
I have never slipped up with someone else while in a relationship.
When Mason and I started seeing each other I had just starting entertaining the thought of a relationship with another man. And I don’t know who Mason was seeing at the time. After about I guess a little over six months into our relationship I did ask Mason if he was
sexingseeing any other females. He said once he and I became a regular couple he let the other(s) go. He words were something about me giving him a frequent flyer card. LOL He can be a…nevermind.Once it was determined that Mason and I were pursuing the possibility of a relationship I let the other guy know that I was “off the market”. The other guy knew of Mason already and made a wise crack about Mason getting to me first. We parted with no hard feelings and he and I did have lunch together once while Mason and I were dating. But there was no temptation to slip up.
Until you have had the talk there is nothing to confess to.
AmazonRed™
June 3rd, 2009
9:45 am
you do not know how much strife that has caused in my personal life..I told some close people and they look at me like I’m crazy..”you lost a bet to a woman on the internet..and you have to do what?”..and that lead to a whole other convo…lmao..
But what you can do, starting tomorrow, is add “I ♥ Kobe” after your blog name, so that all of your posts during the Finals will reflect this. Many thanks.
Cemeeli
June 3rd, 2009
9:46 am
W8 Which one is it? You had women fight over yea, or you stepped up and handled you business?
You really need to tweak your beloved Asian Ginger salad dressing, makes you confess stuff early.
Cemeeli
June 3rd, 2009
9:48 am
Maybe i had the spiced Asian Ginger.
W8 Which one is it? You had women fight over you, or you stepped up and handled your business?
AmazonRed™
June 3rd, 2009
9:53 am
it’s a respect thing though a person should handle all business before getting deep..
You know, I thought it was going to be that simple too. It wasn’t hard for my guy to want to commit. He doesn’t really do much but work, hang at home, and chill with friends. And since he hasn’t lived in the city long, he doesn’t have many. So he was ready to get deep early.
I’m starting to realize that a relationship (with him at least) means being settled. He doesn’t want to do drinks and watch the game, or have dinner parties or do fun concerts. He doesn’t deviate too much from the routine.
This is something I wouldn’t mind doing, but didn’t think it would all happen so fast. It’s summer, my social life was just ramping up.
But basically, I didn’t realize how much could change by handling all business. I must admit that it’s caught me off guard.
Professor
June 3rd, 2009
9:54 am
Good Morning,
Long story short, coming clean is not a problem for me. I do not backtrack and play the reverse game with my ex, nor do I send out a smoke signal regarding my relationship status. However I make sure that when I am in a relationship my SO knows that he is the only person that matters.
Considering the fact that I DO NOT LIKE TO SHARE ANYTHING, I will ask the person I am seeing about his status (yes, I know he can lie), but I do not want any drama.
-W8©
June 3rd, 2009
9:54 am
“But what you can do, starting tomorrow, is add “I ♥ Kobe” after your blog name, so that all of your posts during the Finals will reflect this. Many thanks.”
@ARed- Sorry, the deal was for the shirt only…lol..I am not adding that after my blog name..no dice.
M'
June 3rd, 2009
9:56 am
Once it was determined that Mason and I were pursuing the possibility of a relationship I let the other guy know that I was “off the market”.
That is the way it should go…simple put…if two pp have decided to pursue a more serious and committed relationship…that is real adult attitudes and behaviors…that can be appreciated and respected…things that indicate how much we care about the other person we are spending time with in our lives…wow, imagine that…lol
@Cee,
Hey mami…did you get the yahoo????
Does anyone else on here use Foxfire internet?…I just started using it and I am very impressed with how much better it works than IE with Vista OS…loading can be a bit slower, but it does not freeze and stop responding like IE/Vista…and the tab function is much nicer too.
AmazonRed™
June 3rd, 2009
9:59 am
@ARed- Sorry, the deal was for the shirt only…lol..
W8 – Okay, since a deal is a deal, your shirt will be ready by Friday. Thanks.
Raqi
June 3rd, 2009
10:00 am
Weight and Kimmie maybe it’s because I feel like crap today and not reading or understanding what WiseDiva wrote, but I didn’t think the entry was talking about going back to an ex but merely the possible overlapping of love interest or the potential of.
-W8©
June 3rd, 2009
10:01 am
@Ce- Lol..I have never had women fight over me, physically..now I have had them try and make pimp moves..by using mental warfare..but nothing ugly..I am an extremely loyal person when in relationships..I did not used to be that way at all..I lived and learned
@ARed-I feel you on that. I have made a drastic change..I only party hard twice a year other than that I stick to the routine with the occasional “outing” but I am more of a keep my outings to an intimate group of close friends mostly. Summer time is usually the time when everyone is footlosse and fancy free and now I am having to make relationship decisions..it’s caught me off guard also…hell typing this I just REALLY realized that I am off the dating market…hmm Imagine that..
@Professor – You seem straight forward and focused..I am with you on the smoke signals part..I let enough be known to get the point across..but yet I don’t feel that the masses need details..it’s not their business
Cemeeli
June 3rd, 2009
10:07 am
Hi Professor – How long does it take a professor to “profess” for real?
Hope you and that Eskimo are getting along okay.
M’ Cee is commencing to cheking that yahoo addy.
-W8©
June 3rd, 2009
10:10 am
@Ared- grrrrrrrrrrr(lol funny thing I growl in real life when aggravated or experiencing extreme joy..lol)
@Raqi- It may or may not be you, we may or may not have taken a tangent..but that usually happens anyway…I hope you feel better, how far along are you and what happened to your countdown?
Raqi
June 3rd, 2009
10:14 am
Weight Almost 36 weeks. The countdown was the number of days I have until I go one maternity leave which will June 19th. My due date isn’t until July 2nd. I just didn’t feel like posting it this morning.
And thanks.
kimmie
June 3rd, 2009
10:15 am
Raqi – Uh yeah, what W8 said. I realized when I started typing about my ex, but decided to go on & roll with it.
AmazonRed™
June 3rd, 2009
10:15 am
W8 – That’s nice. I’ll be running to the mall at lunchtime. XXL right?
M'
June 3rd, 2009
10:15 am
@Cee
Chile, dere be molasses in March dat move fasser den you…lol…dun sent dat more least a week ago…lol…but thanks mami.
@Ared
Hey sis…question…does the distinctly different modes of social engagement pose a potential issue for you…just asking cuz for some it does and for others it does not…so I am just wondering because I am one of those that it would be a major if there was not a good compatibility of mutually shared interest…but hey, I am an old bird…set in her ways…lol…as pops would say…baby you ain’t a spring chicken, you more like a stewing hen…lol…anyhoo, I am wondering if you would miss the things that you enjoy or would you do some still with other friends?
SexyCool
June 3rd, 2009
10:16 am
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a later argument. You have the right to keep your mouth shut so that you may retain plausible deniability. If you cannot keep your mouth shut, you may eventually need an attorney. Do you understand these rights?
Also…
Deny til ya’ die.
Plead the fifth.
And if you didn’t catch me in the act, it wasn’t me.
(I am in a silly, giggly mood today – Laughing my @$$ off!)
Three Words Daily – Bullsh!t stops here!
kimmie
June 3rd, 2009
10:16 am
Raqi – Sorry you don’t feel great today. Just one of those days, I guess.
Cemeeli
June 3rd, 2009
10:17 am
W8 I like giving you, Tazzee, MeloLeggs and PoppaG a hard time. You guys are good at seeing through my rich banter. Haphazard and all…lol
That Kimmie is just gorgeous. Me and you us never part…my ti-ta-ta…:)
Where is Token?
Cemeeli
June 3rd, 2009
10:21 am
M I only speak Duck-anese on Monday, and the first of Neverary.
Tazzee
June 3rd, 2009
10:22 am
AmRed is booed up
Girl, I understand what you mean with stuff happening fast. The good thing about my guy is that he constantly tells me that he likes the fact that I have my own life. Thursday night while hanging out with my girls, we started talking about the TJMS cruise next year. They were saying I wouldn’t be able to go, I needed to ask my guy and all this other stuff. So in my tipsy state, I sent him a quick text that said ‘BF and I are planning to go on the TJMS cruise next year’ – he replied ‘cool’. Now I’ll admit, I was feeling myself at the time – I purposely worded it that way to show them that I was NOT checking in with him, nor was I asking him. Thankfully he didn’t view it as such. Anyway, I said all that to say – well that example really doesn’t apply, LOL but I’m sure you’re guy has not problem with you doing some of those things without him – or he may get into those things after you share it with him.
My guy now likes my veggie juice (most people hate it), Simply Orange Juice and Keyshia Cole as a result of hanging with me. I, on the other hand, have gotten into watching Good Times and Sanford & Son reruns and spending more time in the kitchen.
Leggs
June 3rd, 2009
10:25 am
I haven’t read a thing…just wanted you guys to know that I AM SO PRETTY TODAY. I feel pretty, o so pretty, what a wonderful day today. See the pretty girl in the mirror. (That was my Beautiful moment).
@Raqi, I sure wished I knew you so I could have called you and talk smack about Hitched or Ditched last night. Like I use to do with my bff during Knots Landing’s era. (Another one of my Beautiful moments).
On topic, I don’t back track, so no slip ups! I am in a fabulous mood! Carry on….
kimmie
June 3rd, 2009
10:27 am
Leggs – I used to love me some Knots Landing!
-W8©
June 3rd, 2009
10:28 am
@Ared- yeah XXL..you really dont have to do that..I mean i am sure the price has gone up and we are in a planned recession. Hey I lost already.
@Ce- I like sparring with you also.
@SexyCool-You scare me..lol
Tazzee
June 3rd, 2009
10:28 am
SexyCool – you forgot to add ‘no pictures – no proof’, that was the other piece of advice my big sister gave me before I went off to college (in addition to the shower shoes).
AmazonRed™
June 3rd, 2009
10:29 am
Hey sis…question…does the distinctly different modes of social engagement pose a potential issue for you…anyhoo, I am wondering if you would miss the things that you enjoy or would you do some still with other friends?
M – Hell yes it does. He doesn’t mind if I still hang with my girls and such, but I don’t want to just hang with them. I want to hang with him too. I talked about him not wanting to go to the Stevie Wonder concert, which I think is a great date, so now he won’t go, and I can’t go with anyone else. That blows.
So really the question is, is it a deal breaker for me? Because really, if he treats me wellm, we have good convos, he respects me, handles business, is faithful and not needy…yada yada yada shouldn’t that be enough? Especially knowing that once I am settled I’m not going to need to be out in the streets in all that.
Fortunately, he does like sports though he is not rooting for the Lakers…
Basically, my dad is like this and my mom never did anything social really growing up. She had a husband and kids though so I don’t know how much this impacted her, but she always told me to get a man who will take you dancing…
Long story short, I’m still working it all out in my head.
-W8©
June 3rd, 2009
10:30 am
@Leggs- LOl @ your pretty moment