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Archive for June, 2009

Delusions of Grandeur

Since I write about dating here, I usually pay attention to the latest books that offer insight about it.  I often find that the authors will either amuse me, irritate me, or flat out confuse me. Well, this new book does all three!

Because I am a foot soldier for romance on the love battlefield, I took a closer look at “The Rating Game.”  It’s a fool proof formula for finding your soul mate <– marketing gold, no?  The author, Reba Toney said in this interview that the formula works like this: “You rate yourself and then you rate the people you’re interested in dating. That way you only date people that rate the same as you.”

I could list my gripes with this theory, but basically I think many of us have delusions of grandeur. If your perception of yourself is such that you don’t honestly know how you should “rate” yourself, then you might throw off that “fool proof” formula just a bit.

Ms. Toney said that the rating system focuses on four categories: face, body, personality, …

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Not new to this

Single people can be a creative bunch. We come up with the most unique excuses reasons not to date someone. I’m talking about the “relationship resume” that some people prefer to be long, detailed, and has proof of commitment. You say you are a good candidate? We’re going to need references!

While some prefer not to date a previously married person, others would just like someone who is not new to the relationship thing. I can admit that dating someone with no real relationship experience can be challenging.

You may have to become a virtual relationship guide and exercise a little more patience. It’s not necessarily impossible to do but I am pretty sure the inexperienced person would have to put up with something too. That’s why it’s called a relationship.

Do you think those post high school and college relationships really make a big difference in our relationship resume? What do you think is important in a person’s dating history?

What was the relationship from your past …

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Defining Moments

It’s been surreal the past 24 hours. When news broke yesterday that Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson passed away, I got pensive. I usually become this way around birthdays (mine is Sunday!), just to reflect. However,  growing a year older just as the pop icons of my youth pass away, I definitely begin to recognize my own mortality as much as theirs.

I think we all have defining moments in our lives that shaped us who were are as people. It may have been good or bad, involving love or hate, but it had an impact on us. I think one of my defining moments involving romance is my first heartbreak. When someone I cared about did something unforgivable, I think it transformed my ability to trust.

When you have someone you thought you loved do something horrible to you, it makes you second guess yourself. It was a defining moment that I continue to work through. What’s an experience that’s shaped how you are today?

If you don’t care to share your defining moments, feel free to …

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One size fits all

A little tip to the men: women like to feel as if she is special. Yes, we know that it can be annoying to you at times, but it is the truth. If a woman is dating a man and he doesn’t make her feel special, chances are he will lose her interest.

One of the ways we like to feel special is knowing that the man has put some real effort into getting to know her. Then doing thoughtful things that shows he, in fact, paid attention. It’s all really simple, actually. If you have some routine that you use that has worked on previous women (and by worked, I mean it got you laid), it doesn’t mean that your object of desire will like the same things.

I think some women can tell when a guy is going through the motion, using his same tired wooing techniques. Some of which are horrendous and don’t work. One size fits all does not apply to dating all the time. Mix it up, listen to her likes, and let her know that you think she is special by her special, customized treatment you give …

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Where is your label?

Sexual orientation can be a touchy topic among single people on the dating scene. Some people want to know immediately; some try to guess, while others make a fool of themselves with assumptions. Do you think it is rude and impolite to inquire about sexual orientation?

I am a pretty friendly person so a lot of times I like to get clarification about whether I am engaging in friendly chat with a stranger or if we are checking each other out for potential romance, number exchange, or whatever. I have simply asked outright. Not in a malicious way or to offend, I just put it out there so I can get clarity: Do you date women, men, or both?

Do you ask people their orientation when you first meet them? Have you ever been asked the “which team are you playing for” type of question? How did you react?

I have known women who consider themselves bisexual. I am not sure if it means anything, but they currently are seeking/are in relationships with men. Their attraction for women is still …

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Flip the script

I suppose it was inevitable that President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama would be come an iconic couple. A lot has been written about their date nights, affection towards one another in public, and the history of how they came to be.

It all brings a discussion about love, romance, and marriage, especially among African Americans that sheds some light on our attitudes. One particular article that has made its rounds on Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking sites is from the Washington’s Post interactive site, The Root. It was entitled What Single Women Can Learn from Michelle.

Of course it doused gasoline on an already hot fire of debate between men and women, which is always annoying fun and informative.  I actually thought the article made some excellent points. I just thought it would be vindictive fun and informative to flip the script a little:

What can single men learn from President Obama?

Do you think that we place too much blame on each other for the …

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Free to be me

There are certain relationship milestones that women look forward to. We’re sentimental enough to relish the one year anniversary. We get giddy at the house key exchange. It’s something in our DNA that loves when a relationship reaches the next phase. What we – well, what I don’t look forward to is when our guys let it all hang out, literally.

The burping, farting, dirty jokes, or going to the bathroom in front of us. It is a romance killer sometimes. Why, I’m not sure. I remember when a guy used the bathroom at my house with the door ajar. We weren’t even to date number three! Perhaps I just prefer to keep the mystery as long as possible, but what’s wrong with that?

Ladies, at what point do you let your lady guard down? When do you feel that you are free to be “regular” around your man. When you are comfortable with a guy, do you still think it is important to retain a little of the spice that first caught his eye?

Guys, do you really notice when your girl has become …

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Because He Kept Me Off the Pole

Sunday is Father’s Day, a rare day when some men get as good as they give. If you are fortunate enough to have a father that is still here, I urge you to spend time with him. If that is not possible then I think a card or phone call can go a long way!

I am so thankful for my Father, for always being there for me. He has been such a great example of what a good man is. I remember listening to comic Chris Rock joke about being a father to his daughters and the importance of being a good dad: I realize my only job in life is to keep her off the pole. I mean they don’t grade fathers but if your daughter is a stripper you messed up.

I love my Dad because he’s kept me off the pole and kept me from doing outrageous things to a man on a dance floor (I’m still in disbelief, sorry). I love my dad because he is always supportive, loves me unconditionally, and has always been there for me. In a lot of ways, I think he has set the standard for my relationships with men.

Ladies, why do you …

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Love them like my own

NFL player Tom Brady has a child from a previous relationship with actress Bridget Moynahan. When Brady dated his then girlfriend Giselle Bundchen, I remember reading a comment from Bundchen about Brady’s son:

“I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that, but to me it’s not like because somebody else delivered him, that’s not my child. I feel it is, 100 percent. I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that’s important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine.”

Now I thought it was a noble and endearing perspective to take, but after talking to a couple of real parents, it seemed to strike a nerve. If you have children, wouldn’t you want the person your ex is dating (seriously) to care for your child as if they were your own?

Have you ever dated someone with children and became close to their children? Did it cause a problem with their parent because you were too close?

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who treated your …

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Dating A Non-Believer

After three months of dating, my friend Kevin discovered the woman he is seeing doesn’t believe in marriage, at all. He said that it caught him by surprise because he had never encountered a great woman that didn’t want to get hitched.

I think that this pretty much torpedoes their chances of a relationship. He believes in marriage, she doesn’t, what’s there to figure out? Kevin wonders if she would change her mind and has considered waiting on that to happen. He thinks she is the “total package” except for this anti-marriage idea. I think that is a recipe for disaster, but when a guy is this far gone, I can’t do much but hope for the best.

Would you risk giving up something you really want because the person you are with has a different outlook then you do?

Have you ever met or dated someone who doesn’t believe in marriage? Would you continue to date them if they didn’t want the same thing you did?

Would you date someone if you knew there was no chance of marrying them?

If you …

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