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Put your foot down

One of the frustrating things about the dating scene is dealing with disrespect. It seems inevitable that you run into that person who is inconsiderate, inexperienced, or flat out clueless. You would think that the older we get, the less likely we are to meet this type of person. Sadly, that is not always the case and then you have to put your foot down.

If a guy has some bad behavior that is unacceptable to me, I always wonder how he has managed to get away with it. I mean,  all the women he dated never told him when he was being a jerk? Have you ever met or dated someone who was unaware of their bad dating behavior? Did you call them out on it? How did they respond.

Are you guilty of any behaviors that others have called out before? I once had a guy call me out on being late all the time. He finally had to put his foot down and let me know that he wouldn’t tolerate it anymore. So much for being fashionably late! He saw it as disrespectful and he let me know. I quickly corrected that problem and now I am always on time or early for dates

How do you put your foot down or call someone out without alienating them?

478 comments Add your comment

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
8:47 am

First WiseDiva let me thank you for running my entry yesterday. I was really hyped looking for to having the discussion with the good people of blogland but I was pulled away for an emergency. My son broke his arm and fractured his collar bone at school. Idiot. But yeah thanks for giving me a chance. BTW if I am allowed a do over I do have another one in the rough draft stage that I will send you soon. Thanks again.

Now on topic: I think the biggest blunder these in dating it the lost art of chivalry and manners. So many men are clueless when it comes to gentlemanly gestures toward women and so many women have lost their manners. The put your foot down statement is very appropriate because a person will only treat us how we allow them to or how we demand (not literally, but yet literally) them to.

Some things are a big deal and are very well the symptoms of larger issues to come or that lingers. One example, if you allow a person to talk down to you even in jest, chances are it is how they view you and it will manifest itself in a much uglier way later on. We all should demand respect. Joking around is one thing but don’t be disrespected even as a joke.

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
8:52 am

And you know what if a person gets offended by you demanding to be treated and respected a certain way, then that must not be the one for you.

And you know all of our crap stinks and sometimes we do need to have it shoved in our face to make us aware.

Sassy Me....Cocoa cure :-)

May 28th, 2009
8:55 am

Morning errbody :)

The only thing I’ve been called out for is being late. I’m as slow as cold molasses on a winter morning so I usually have to start getting ready at least an hour before I scheduled to leave home. The funny thing is that this didn’t start until after I graduated from school. Go figure….

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
8:59 am

Good manners and behavior should be every one’s first and foremost practice. Squash all that crap about someone having to prove to be worthy of your good behavior and respect. You should be extending the good on first hand then when someone chooses to take your good behaviors for granted you act accordingly. Most of us will find that we cannot live with some of the crap with we dish out. When it’s coming back at you, you can see clearly.

Demand respect and you will get it.

Sassy Me....Cocoa cure :-)

May 28th, 2009
9:04 am

So many men are clueless when it comes to gentlemanly gestures toward women and so many women have lost their manners.

Chivalry isn’t dead but it’s definitely somewhere layin’ up on life support teetering on the edge of obscurity b/c it does seem to be largely non-existent in the datng scene. What’s sad is when things like opening doors or pulling out a chair are expected and when it’s not done subsequently brought to the man’s attention you get that blank stare and they look at you like “wha…huh”. Some men take it in stride and do better but some get insulted…..why though?

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
9:07 am

While sitting at the hospital last night I was watching “Hitched or Ditched” and the woman complained about after the first three months of dating her boyfriend changed. He tried to change her. But she put up with that crap for 4 years and now that she was wanting to get married his treatment towards her was a problem. Why waste 4 freaking years putting up with a guy that treated her in a way she did not like? She should have spoken up earlier. Like after 4 months of dating. Even their families didn’t give their blessings for them to marry.

They both should have put their foot down on what it was they did not like about each other at the beginning of the relationship. He was insecure and jealous. If she gave him reasons to be he should have nipped that before the 4th year. Needless to say they went their separate ways at the end of the show because they allowed things to go unresolved for all those years. Don’t let matters fester. Put your foot down.

AmazonRed™

May 28th, 2009
9:09 am

Good morning all. Raqi, sorry to hear about your son. Hope he gets well soon.

I will admit that I have not put my foot down like I should in relationships. Which is funny because I will usually tell someone where to go in a heartbeat, especially my family! :lol: But I know they’ll love me anyway, and they know I just want the best for them and myself.

Anywhoo, I’ve tried to buck the whole “difficult black woman” stereotype to show my “California cool” side in relationships and that’s not always the best attitude to have, especially when encountering disrespectful behavior.

Anyway, it’s tough to call someone out without alienating them, but sometimes folks simply need a wake up call. I’ve been called out “gently” for being late too, so I’m taking heed before I get called out for real!

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
9:18 am

Sassy there seems to be these days a battle of sexes concerning one “deserving” such behavior. Some guys tend to think a woman requiring certain chivalrous acts is her acting like an unwarranted princess and they have this “she has to prove herself first” frame of mind. Yeah some of us do think quite highly of ourselves than we ought, but that is not all bad in the big picture of things. Being a gentleman should be a man’s first thought. A woman appreciating the kindness and courtesy of a man should be our first thought. Be it just seems to have all gotten lost.

Professor

May 28th, 2009
9:23 am

Good Morning All,

@ Raqi I wish your son a speedy recovery, because that sounds painful! I saw the previews for that show and I hate I missed it…I am not much of a TV watcher just news and sports for the most part.

On topic: Long story short I will put my foot down if a person is being disrespectful. Also if there is potential for a relationship or friendship I will definitely speak with them on other annoying issues, because I know that will stand in the way. I am not speaking of petty things I mean the big stuff…the deal breakers.

Sassy Me....Cocoa cure :-)

May 28th, 2009
9:26 am

Being a gentleman should be a man’s first thought. A woman appreciating the kindness and courtesy of a man should be our first thought. Be it just seems to have all gotten lost.

Raqi I just had a thought about something…..I’ve noticed that older men (at least the ones I know) do chivalrous things but some of the younger ones are somewhat lost, so to speak. As a matter of fact I’m friends with a really hip older guy and when we go out he opens doors, gives me his arm, pulls out my chair and even buckles my seatbelt sometimes. I likey :)

Soo off topic: I HEART YOU DWIGHT HOWARD….LET’S GO ORLANDOOOOOOO!!!

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
9:27 am

One of my pet peeves is a guy dropping by without notice. To me it’s disrespectful. I had one and only one issue with mi marido with that. He came by and I didn’t like it. Yeah he was in area and I enjoy his company but that didn’t mean he was allowed to just invade my space when he saw fit. Like I told him a simple phone call “hey I am down the street do mind blah, blah, blah” would have been appropriate. Especially after a certain time of the evening.

And yes he had to put me in my “girlfriend” place before.

And even now after the nups we have had to point out a bad act of behavior to the other. Nip it. Don’t let it grow limbs and branches.

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
9:29 am

Thanks Amazon and Professor. My son is an idiot though.

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
9:34 am

I am not speaking of petty things I mean the big stuff…the deal breakers.

Professor are you aware that a tree is just a mere seed before it becomes a tree. That’s the problem we sometimes look at things as being petty when they are the seeds of something bigger to come.

I don’t believe in being a nag however even if you don’t speak it out loudly every action should be weighed.

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
9:38 am

Women are not tricks neither are we pieces and I told my oldest he will respect women and not refer to them as such. He called his sons mother a trick once jokingly but I took it serious. She took as a joke but I got on to her harder than I did him for letting him call her that. Some things are not to be joked about and if she allows him to treat her like that it will only get worse. I told her she has got to make him and every other man she deals with respect her.

Now Imma shut up for a minute.

Tazzee - partying with my girls tonight!

May 28th, 2009
9:38 am

Morning All!

I have no problem putting someone in their place if I’m disrespected. I’m always nice with it, using my soft voice ‘Sweetie, if we’re going to get along you really can’t talk to me like that.’ Or I might pose it in the form of a question ‘Do you always curse this much?’

I have been called out for being flip at the mouth before. Mainly using the term ‘whatever’ – I try to work on that.

On chivalry – I make it a point to say ‘thank you’ to all acts of kindness: opening doors, letting me on/off the elevator first, helping me down the stairs – all that stuff. I love it and I make sure its acknowledged with a big smile and a thank you. When my guy does it – that thank you is followed by a term of endearment and a quick peck on the lips ;-)

AmazonRed™

May 28th, 2009
9:40 am

One of my pet peeves is a guy dropping by without notice.

Raqi – Mine too. Fortunately, this simply does not happen to me. I think I give off a vibe that is unwelcoming with that, and I have no problems with it if I do. :mrgreen:

LOL @ you calling your son and idiot, twice :lol: . How did it happen?

Tazzee - partying with my girls tonight!

May 28th, 2009
9:44 am

Raqi I’ve never broken a bone, but I’m sure your babe is in pain. I hope he heals quickly and I hate that you had to sit up at the hospital yesterday.

SlimDiva

May 28th, 2009
9:51 am

Good morning everyone…

Raqi — I hope your son heals quickly. By the way…I enjoyed yesterday’s topic, but was unable to comment

On topic for today…I don’t have a problem expressing my pet peeves when dating or in a relationship.

My timeliness WAS a major concern for my current mate and he informed me of it the FIRST time I was late. I have since improved in that area. Now he’s helping me to tame my tongue…it can be rather sharp at times without using profanity.

My pet peeve is simple chivalry. I like for a man to display chivalry. We’re in our 40s, so I expect it. I think his ex cared less about it, so he was surprised when I pointed out that he needs to open doors and do other things. He is improving.

We both are compromising within the relationship.

Off topic…I am performing in a gospel stage play next Friday (June 5) at 7pm. Several months ago we talked about our talents/gifts or something similar to it and I stated that acting is my passion. A few of you asked me to inform you of my next performance, so I am doing just that.

Have a great and safe day!

Blow Me

May 28th, 2009
9:52 am

Good Morning All

Yes I have been called down to the carpe AND I do some calling as well.

I am sure that’s how it is for new relationship since you are dealing with two different ppl who expect two different ways on being treated.

Disrespect is not apart of the game. I can easily spot it a mile away and I am willing to bow out gracefully if respect is not there and will not be there.

My main thing is learning and maintaining my position/role. It gets hard when you are use to doing everything and wearing all hats. You have to let a man perform and be a man. I’ll let em have his drive..less work for me. Also, knowing that my time and effort is valuable…shoots out to Rell!

RAQI…I agree..small things do turn into big things. You have to be careful and correct that situation when it presents itself.

DB

May 28th, 2009
9:54 am

Manners is simply respect for the people around you. Respect is an attitude — you can’t demand it. Either someone has it or they don’t. If they don’t, I wouldn’t fool with them, because they are ultimately self-centered and it will be too much work to forge any kind of meaningful relationship with them.

Things like holding a door (as a woman, holding a door or an elevator for a guy who has his hands full), letting someone with fewer items go ahead of you in the checkout line, not talking to someone else on your cell phone when you are on a date with another person, caring enough for the other person’s time to be on time . . . these are all expressions of respect and caring for other people. If someone can’t be bothered to do that — they are a pretty poor risk, relationship-wise.

Tazzee - partying with my girls tonight!

May 28th, 2009
9:54 am

AmRed – I too try to dispel the angry black woman stereotype when dealing with the opposite sex but I’ve realized that some dudes just need to get told.

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
9:54 am

Amazon playing when he should have been walking to the Arts building. He was running and jumped up to hit the top of the canopy over the walkway, one of the boys threw his book bag under him while he was coming down, he fell and another boy fell on him and then another on him and so on. The young man that fell on him is huge. I know at least 300 pounds and over 6ft. tall. He should not have been playing. I tell him all the time something bad was going to happen to him if he kept doing things he should not be doing at places he should not be doing them.

Atltwen

May 28th, 2009
9:56 am

I have never, ever, EVA; dated a female who was consistently on time! You all are worst!

And y’all have plenty of excuses to minimize the behavior: “Girl-time”, “CP-time”, “my baby this or that”, “15 minute rule”, once I was even told “You want me fine, well, it takes time”.

Just be on time, is that too much to ask?

Wise Diva Must Go

May 28th, 2009
10:06 am

What happened to Blanca, she was so much better at this than Wise Diva is?

Dan

May 28th, 2009
10:06 am

@Raqi

Sorry to hear about your son, and they heal up rather under 21 so he should be fine. Plus, the summer on restrictions due to his injury is prolly the best teacher in this instance than anything.

On topic:

Respect is a quite simple equation: give it to get it; have it for yourself and other will have it for you.

I don’t hold to the “respect (as in chivalry) being earned” thought, but that’s my background. I do like to say that “if chivalry is dead, women killed it”. I mean, how do treat a tramp-stamped, gum popping, mean mugging chick as a lady? Those two things are incongruous, IMO.

In the end, how you are treated by the world is an extension of your self-respect. No one will treat you any better, or worse, than you display in your treatment of self (did I mention the “boot”?).

Cemeeli

May 28th, 2009
10:07 am

morning

Raqi – Wow your son broke his arm, AND collar bone? OUCH!!! Po thang. :(

I haven’t had a guy be disrespectful to me in years. I was definitely a young chic the last time I had to tell a dude off.

”When my guy does it – that thank you is followed by a term of endearment and a quick peck on the lips”

Tazzee- Get it girl. :)

Professor

May 28th, 2009
10:07 am

@ Raqi I am aware that things start off small, however I know myself very well: likes, dislikes, pet peeves and those small things that will only bother me during that time of month . So with that said, at this stage in my critical thinking I can distinguish significant things from insignificant things, and express myself precisely when needed. I say this very humbly, my inner circle consist of those with the same level of thinking skills that I have, so it is really easy to communicate with them…it is not like I am dealing with some unreflective thinker, as Paul & Elder labels most of the population.

AmazonRed™

May 28th, 2009
10:11 am

AmRed – I too try to dispel the angry black woman stereotype when dealing with the opposite sex but I’ve realized that some dudes just need to get told.

Tazzee, truer words have never been spoken. :lol: Yeah, I’m over coddling grown folks. Typically, I didn’t think it was worth the “battle” but it so is.

The most I can do is inject a little sugar into it. But that’s the most. I had this guy scamper away from me at a party last month. I was tired of the “how tall are you?” line that is followed by the “oh, you’re not that tall” response when I answer. :roll: Lame! :lol:

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
10:12 am

Tazzee the longest wait was waiting for the orthopedic surgeon to look at the x-rays before the put him in a cast. Thankfully it will heal just fine without surgery. Only three more days in school and he couldn’t without doing something idiotic. LOL Boys will be boys.

Dang, there goes my runner while I am out with baby. That knucklehead.

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
10:16 am

I mean, how do treat a tramp-stamped, gum popping, mean mugging chick as a lady?

Dan by opening the door for her if she approaches at the same time as you. See that’s the thing. Why does she not deserve your good behavior? If she doesn’t say thank you do what mi marido does, say very loudly “you are welcome” and keep right on smiling and holding doors.

Cemeeli

May 28th, 2009
10:17 am

My darlin’ came by without notice the first time he came to see me. I took it in stride….it didn’t bother me actually.

That is our most memorable visit! It was a surprise…i’m glad he did!

Professor

May 28th, 2009
10:18 am

@ARed…I am aware of that angry black women sterotype, but at this point I just say heck you should not have made me mad and any women with some respect about herself would be mad at this…if it is disrepectful I will let them know. Usually if they say something disrespectful or stupid I always say “pardon me, but please say that again,” because I want to make sure before I check them.

Sassy Me....Cocoa cure :-)

May 28th, 2009
10:19 am

I too try to dispel the angry black woman stereotype when dealing with the opposite sex but I’ve realized that some dudes just need to get told.

I used to live in a really nice apartment right smack in the middle of downtown Atl.(5 min walk to CNN center,Underground, 5 Points, errthing) and the property manager’s son would work security sometimes…anyhoo he’s about 28 yrs. old and never had a good relationship with his mom-dukes and he just got out of a 5-6 yr. relationship so I assumed he knew how to treat women but by talking to him I realized I was waay wrong. BUT he’s one of those guys that truly NEED TO BE TOLD AND HE EVEN SAID SO. What I also thought was key is that he mentioned that he needs someone to “teach” him things in regards to how to treat a woman and I thought that spoke volumes b/c he saw an area where he was lacking and didn’t let his ego stop him from: 1. Admitting what he didn’t know and 2. Asking for help about the matter.

AmazonRed™

May 28th, 2009
10:24 am

I just say heck you should not have made me mad and any women with some respect about herself would be mad at this

:lol: Professor – I love it.

Yeah, I’m definitely over it.

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
10:24 am

Cemeeli for me, dropping by without notice is taking me for granted. Like I asked him how would he have felt if I had company…family-friends-whomever…over and had told him to go away. I did not spend my nights pining for him…well some…nevermind…I was not sitting at home with nothing to do waiting for him to just drop in. He needed to respect that. But that’s just how I am.

Dan

May 28th, 2009
10:27 am

@Raqi

Here’s two scenario’s:

1) Young lady is headed toward the door as I’m entering, she is one the phone but lowers it as she reaches for the door. Seeing me entering, she hurriedly heads for the entrance. I stop, stand and let her enter before me (unless there is a set of double door in which case I try to hold the first and she enters before me into the second). She acknowledges the gesture with a glance or a “thank you”.

2) Young lady number 2 is on the phone, continues to speak. Seeing me entering her pace moves not a heartbeat faster. I stop, stand, and allow her to enter before me. Never getting off the phone, she passes engrossed in her conversation and enters the building.

Now that display happens more often than not. My behavior didn’t change but the response does. No that it matters how I treat people, but I’m a lot more warry the next time that I stop to hold the door for someone that takes her sweet time going through.

Tazzee - partying with my girls tonight!

May 28th, 2009
10:28 am

Sassy – That’s great that he realized he needed to learn those things. I must admit that I was well into my 20’s before I realized that I needed to learn how to talk to a man. So I went to the extreme and REALLY held my tongue. Then some dudes would keep pushing and get called all kinds of witches (with a capital B). I’m glad I found my balance and learned how to say things nice and only break out with the weapons when pushed to the limit ;-)

Professor – I like that ‘please say that again’ approach. Just a quick check to make sure they came out of their mouth wrong before you check them. :lol:

Sassy Me....Cocoa cure :-)

May 28th, 2009
10:29 am

I don’t hold to the “respect (as in chivalry) being earned” thought, but that’s my background. I do like to say that “if chivalry is dead, women killed it”. I mean, how do treat a tramp-stamped, gum popping, mean mugging chick as a lady? Those two things are incongruous, IMO

I might be wrong but that phrase right there is incongruous…no contradictory or slightly oxymoronic even. If you have respect for others you just do and that’s also HOW you do…just b/c someone else doesn’t meet YOUR standards of self respect is it fair to treat them as less as opposed to a woman you may deem “worthy” of temperamental/fickle/sometimey chivalry. Maybe that’s all they might know….maybe all THEY need is someone to show them….on the real some people just don’t know better. We can’t expect or assume that everyone else was raised as we were. It’s frustrating but it’s not fair and I think that’s where some of the disparity in acceptable behavior may come from.

LET’S GO ORLANDOOOOO!! :)

AmazonRed™

May 28th, 2009
10:32 am

Where is W8?

I want to know how he feels about that Denver vs. Cleveland final he predicted. :lol:

Dan

May 28th, 2009
10:34 am

@Sassy

Granted, but please refer to my 10:27

Sassy Me....Cocoa cure :-)

May 28th, 2009
10:34 am

Tazz I thought it was great,too. I was even more flattered that he trusted me enough to be the one to shed some light on us AA women(and women in general). His dad is cool but I see where the son “learnt” some of his behavior b/c children sometimes emulate their same sex parent an boy did he ever…….

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
10:34 am

Dan you asked this question. I mean, how do treat a tramp-stamped, gum popping, mean mugging chick as a lady?

How would you know the woman is not going to acknowledge your gesture until she does not do it? Just because to you she appears to be “tramp-stamped, gum popping, mean mugging” should not alter your actions.

Just because people do not respond “you are welcome” does not stop me from saying thank you. Never.

Just because one guy treated me wrong does not make me treat the next guy wrong. It did make me not treat men at all, but when dealing with one I did not treat him ill.

Tazzee - partying with my girls tonight!

May 28th, 2009
10:35 am

Dan – I don’t let the actions of others dictate my manners. Unless they do something to me directly that is disrespectful, I’m still going to say please, thank you and hold the door open for the person coming behind me. There are many times I’m walking in front of someone and I hold the door for them without a thank you (usually they are on the phone) – then we walk through our parking garage and get to another door – I’m not going to NOT hold the door for them because they didn’t acknowledge it the first time because I’m the type of person that does that.

Similarly, I’m the type of person that smiles and says good morning as I’m coming in the office. There’s this one guy that never speaks back – that’s fine with me, I give him the same smile and greeting. I’m not going to let him change who I am.

Plus – it takes too much energy to think about who I should smile at (or hold the door for) so I just do it for all.

Leggs

May 28th, 2009
10:36 am

Good morning everyone!

@Raqi, sorry about your son’s injuries. I can literally see you wanting to wring his neck. Broken arm and collarbone..egads! Also, I could not find “Hitched or Ditched” last night. How was the show????

Believe it or not, I have very good manners and I expect others to use their manners when around me. It certainly is a form of respect and home training. Dropping by w/o an invite the first time will get you in the door, and I will explain that I would greatly appreciate a call the next time. Now, if it happens again, you just might find yourself staring at the door!

@Atlwen, that’s a problem I seem to have. I’m always on time, for everything when others are not! If you say you expect me at 4:00, I will be there at 4:00 or be ready at the given hour. I once left my two gfs in the bathroom getting ready for a play performed at The Fox Theatre. We lived 2 blocks away and they were still late. I left, sat in my seat and proudly saw the entire show. They strolled in 30 mins late. Absolutely ridiculous and only 2 blocks away!

Sassy Me....Cocoa cure :-)

May 28th, 2009
10:37 am

Dan….tu che :)

Raqi...23 Days to ML

May 28th, 2009
10:39 am

Plus – it takes too much energy to think about who I should smile at (or hold the door for) so I just do it for all.

Tazzee my mom taught me that especially after dealing with whitebread. She pointed out I was wasting time and energy that I should have been giving to the son that was created trying to remember to be angry at whitebread. She said just let it go.

Dan

May 28th, 2009
10:43 am

@Tazzee and Raqi

That’s not my point. I used the “tramp stamped” lady as an indicator of behavior and for that matter that “mugg” is just as bad.

What I’m saying is that my behavior isn’t going to change or be dictated by anyone, but it does give me pause when agruably “simple” gestures are dismissed. I’m not saying I agree with the position that chivalry is “earned”, but by the behavior of some these ladies, I can understand where “why bother?” is valid.

Melo

May 28th, 2009
10:44 am

Im with Dan! Yu give respect where it is due.Its a 2-way street.
If they dont know no better,thats not my job,its her mama’s.These streets are so wild to be going about passing out advice.U actually get cursed out for that.
Gum popping,incessant and loud phone talk in presence of other pple(even on dates),non-acknowldgement of kindness by a man(eg door being opened for ur lame fat azz), and waterfal-like cursing lingo….i have seen and heard all that from rude females who seemed,on the surface, to have it and know better.
The A is just a cornucopia of ghetto,country,ignorantas well as specks well cultured females,here and there.
U cant give all that respect,can u?

Tazzee - partying with my girls tonight!

May 28th, 2009
10:46 am

Off Topic – have any of you blog ladies ever tried FitFlops? I’m thinking of getting some.

THE INFAMOUS DK

May 28th, 2009
10:46 am

Correcting someone is easy.. Its the way its packaged that can make it become a disaster. Saying it with a smile, slightly joking but the look that you are deathly serious gets the point across without totally bopping someone on the head.