Relationship A la Carte
Good Morning everyone! Today’s post is courtesy of our fabulous Raqi. If you are new to the MIA blog, Raqi is a married woman with a bambino on the way. Whenever she comments on relationships I perk up and take notes. She always provides insight about love and marriage without sugar coating things! Her topic today may strike a nerve for some of you but please read what she says carefully then weigh in with your comments!
In my early adult years I would hear of male-female relationships labeled with different terms. Traditional, Modern and Open. Those were considered the relationship combos as far as I am concerned. Today those terms still exist today but to some not in the same context. We have managed to construct relationships in a way that gives the benefit of one term sans the return responsibility.
The relationship a la carte. I, as most of you have read, am a traditionalist in the largest sense. I believe and practice the gender roles in my relationship. But that’s just me. What works for me does not necessarily work for others. That’s cool and that’s life. However, where I see the imbalance in some is with the picking and choosing of the relationship sectors. I find that many women want the benefits of having a traditional mate, yet they themselves do not care to take on the roles of the traditional woman.. There are men that desire the modernistic woman on one hand however he wants her to regard him as the head on the other.
It is all fair? Can we have it both ways? Can you enjoy the freedom of the open relationship and still get the devotion that comes with being monogamous?
I think not. But again that is just me. I read the other day where someone declared being a modern woman yet still wanted the protection of the days of old man.
Relationships are give and take. But can one give modern and expect traditional in return. Do you think we can pick and choose what part of the relationships we want to practice and it all work out in the end?
And not just that, how many of you buy into the together but separate ways of doing. Can a couple really be together yet live separate? Can you choose what part of the relationship you want to live as a couple and what parts you don’t?
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540 comments Add your comment
Kym
May 27th, 2009
10:58 am
@EPO it would be a no-go for me. There is no way in the hell I would stop working. I enjoy what I do to much. As for the child going to daycare at six weeks..as I stated before I did it. And never felt once like someone else was raising my son, or nuturing him more than I did. He had a great daycare provider who went above and beyond to assist me in his infancy and toddler years.
Lioness- Still on East Coast Time
May 27th, 2009
10:58 am
W8- Good to know..
SexyCool
May 27th, 2009
11:01 am
The men that I have met and dated most recently range from the ages of 28 to 47. Every one of them has wanted to fast forward to the sex and press super slow motion on every other part of the relationship.
They are like Adam Sandler in Click.
anonymousella
May 27th, 2009
11:02 am
@melo i know two happily-married polyamorous couples, and one sort-of-happily-married one. open marriage works if both people are open and — most importantly HONEST. (whew lawdy, i’ve been talking one of my polyamorous friends down from the ledge since she and her dishonest a** also-polyamorous boyfriend of 2 years broke up. she and the hubs are still solid though.) you won’t have monogamous devotion, obviously. but you can have TREMENDOUS love, commitment, and shared understanding of where “home” is.
and that’s really the point: the folks involved have to work out what’s right for them at the time. sometimes circumstance — recession, career growth, factory shutdown — will dictate that the traditionalist husband be a stay-at-home parent while the wife gets to winning that bread.
i’m lucky in that my parents were atypical. my dad was the breadwinner, chief chef, did his own laundry, and shifted his schedule so that he could be home by 4:30 or 5pm every day so that I would only be home for a few hours. ProbableFutureHusband’s parents have had long-stretches of long-distance relationships for much of their 30-year marriage.
again: it’s about what works for both people invovled.
Lioness- Still on East Coast Time
May 27th, 2009
11:03 am
Sexy- Wow!
Beautiful
May 27th, 2009
11:09 am
good morning RAQI! yaaaaaawn. great topic.
Cemeeli
May 27th, 2009
11:11 am
Sis Professor – Is that ride sweet? Sounds like it…ohhhmmmmm.
kimmie
May 27th, 2009
11:12 am
M’ – Your 10:41 is really what it’s all about. Very few people want to stop and recognize those societal dynamics and how they profoundly affected relationships.
Also, we all talk about folks not wanting to play their position. Like Melo said, unless you have seen it being played successfully, you may not know your position.
Like I’ve stated before, we’re all trying to react naturally to situations that are really unnatural.
AmazonRed™
May 27th, 2009
11:14 am
But really I don’t think I could date a woman who had that as a requirement… in today’s society that’s still the best way as far as the kids are concerned but not many people can afford to live that way even wit two tree jobs.
EPO – That’s fair. For me, I don’t have to have kids. But if I do, why would I have kids that I couldn’t afford? That’s with anything. Our economy is in the gutter because folks continuously bite off more than they can chew. I don’t want to have kids I can’t afford, I don’t want to have a house, car, etc, that I can’t afford! And I’m willing to delay some milestones in life to set myself up better financially.
Not to say that tragedies can’t and don’t happen, but many of us are living beyond our means regardless of that.
My sister and her husband. They live in a
trailermanufactured home, only have one car and her husband can’t move up in his company without this certification that he still doesn’t have. Yet, they just couldn’t WAIT to get pregnant. Now she’s complaining about the $115 a week it costs for childcare.Really?!? What did you think will happen?
THE INFAMOUS DK
May 27th, 2009
11:16 am
Ok so just because women are making more “Bacon” in the professional world, that should change their private world? Huh? What you do in the streets has nothing to do with what you do at home.. See that where it gets twisted. You still gotta be a woman and he still has to be a man no matter how much money you make, where you work, what you do or how many people work for you. You cant demasculate a Dude because you have some success outside the home.
Lioness- Still on East Coast Time
May 27th, 2009
11:18 am
Ared- That’s with anything. Our economy is in the gutter because folks continuously bite off more than they can chew. I don’t want to have kids I can’t afford, I don’t want to have a house, car, etc, that I can’t afford! And I’m willing to delay some milestones in life to set myself up better financially.<– I agree one million percent! Those Jones’..
Lioness- Still on East Coast Time
May 27th, 2009
11:20 am
DK is about to stir up some ish..
-W8©(having coffee and grilling steak)
May 27th, 2009
11:21 am
@Infamous DK- Once again I agree with you 100%
Melo
May 27th, 2009
11:21 am
anonymousella
do u talk to both wives and husbands about their open relations or u talk to one side,the wives??? U sure its not the wives who are philandering??? just curious coz thats so foreign to me…..an open passport to phuck others.Other than the MIA soap opera i have heard off, i know no other,personally.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. LMAOFF
abc
May 27th, 2009
11:23 am
Roles are well defined in the Bible: 1 Peter, Ephesians, Corinthians, Proverbs. People twist up what the Bible says about it, but if those roles are followed, everything will work better.
A woman that makes more than a man needs a man that makes more money, with extremely rare exception. It reverses the roles too much to overcome. Chicks who make the most dough will not submit to a husband. ‘Course, that’s talking about marriage, not dating.
A woman that thinks she would rather work after childbirth rather than stay home until the child is in kindergarten (at least! and then some!) is kidding herself. Every woman will do that if she has the opportunity. Else, she’d not have had kids in the first place. Unfortunately, it’s not very practical in modern society.
kimmie
May 27th, 2009
11:24 am
DK – Who said anything about demasculating a dude? If lil ole’ me can take away yo manhood, honey, you never had it to begin with, Punk!LOL!!!
Cemeeli
May 27th, 2009
11:25 am
$115 for childcare? That’s very inexpensive these days.
“You cant demasculate a Dude because you have some success outside the home.”
Infamous uh-uh, Yea.
East Point's Own
May 27th, 2009
11:26 am
AmazonRed I do not mean bite off more than you can chew or have kids you can’t afford. But if you say a couple can’t afford a child unless one parent can stop working for a couple years then most couples in the US can’t afford a child…
Having a child while both parents work is the standard in the US right now. I agree that it is best if one parent can stay home for the first few years, its just not realistic these days. Especially with college educated folks who have a 20 year student loan to repay… I mean who wants to wait til they are 40 to have kids?
Sure in situations where the husband is older and more established the mother taking year off from working is more common, but for couples of a similar age both parents working is unfortunately the rule, and not the exception.
And you can’t realistically put off having kids forever if that is one of your milestones… I mean sure you can freeze eggs and all that but who really wants to do that? And then on top of that it costs tens of thousands of dollars for that too… so there goes all that money you saved up by trying to wait to have kids… LoL
Melo
May 27th, 2009
11:28 am
You cant demasculate a Dude because you have some success outside the home
u hit it bro!This is where most chics get it twisted.To be in a union,u both have to have respect for each other be4 u develop luv.U gotta respect the institution called marriage.That way,u value ur husband as ur protector,luver,buddy etc.And the husband does the same.
But if u respect money more than u respect him and ur marriage,yes,when u make more than him,respect goes outa the window.And the luv follows too.No wonder such women end up getting phuckeed by other dudes coz they diss the husbands simply coz of the bacon they make.
SAD
AmazonRed™
May 27th, 2009
11:28 am
What you do in the streets has nothing to do with what you do at home..
*sounds buzzer* Why doesn’t it? That sounds like some playa mess too.
Cemeeli
May 27th, 2009
11:29 am
Hi abc!
AmazonRed™
May 27th, 2009
11:29 am
But if you say a couple can’t afford a child unless one parent can stop working for a couple years then most couples in the US can’t afford a child…
Well duh!
Professor
May 27th, 2009
11:29 am
@ Cee- It is sweet and I will buy another one, but for some reason I am still debating on that new Camero…
@W8 I will wait on the invite…please let me know what information you need from me.
THE INFAMOUS DK
May 27th, 2009
11:30 am
Honestly.. When youre married its not your money anymore. Its the money to better your family’s well being, no matter who makes it. At least thats what it should be.. Because if a Dude is a bread winner she can spend his money all up, but if she is he is a no good nothing for spending anything outside the allowed specific predetermined prescibed neccesary amount she has designated for him. What I’m saying is if you wanna be modern be all they way modern and not half way.
AmazonRed™
May 27th, 2009
11:32 am
$115 for childcare? That’s very inexpensive these days.
Cemeeli – They live in the sticks.
But I did say $115 a week though, I don’t know that the going rate here is in the city.
kimmie
May 27th, 2009
11:32 am
Again, I want to know who on here demasculated somebody????LOL!!!!
Beautiful
May 27th, 2009
11:33 am
@SEXYCOOL
in my world, it’s the guy who i’m most attracted to who are not ALL IN. it’ll take them a lil longer to catch up to me in the relationship dept. i’ve found out that skipping over them is best and leaving them the hell alone. time is precious and most important is feelings/emotions that get caught up in it all. it’s harder for me to let go.
-W8©(man meal for lunch..just steak..nothing else)
May 27th, 2009
11:35 am
@professor- att_rr@yahoo.com, it’s nothing to stringent at all..license, insurance..umm a corvette..it’s a professional environment so messy people tend to weed themselves out(you know what I mean)..
-W8©(man meal for lunch..just steak..nothing else)
May 27th, 2009
11:37 am
@Kimmie – I dont think he is directing his statements towards an individual
DB
May 27th, 2009
11:38 am
You get out of a relationship what you put into it. If you aren’t willing to put yourself into the relationship, you aren’t going to get a whole lot out of it. At that point, it’s superficial, and it’s not going to last. Which is fine, but many people make the mistake of confusing sex with a relationship.
I didn’t want a clone of myself when I married. I wanted someeone who could challenge me, someone who had a slightly different take on things, someone who didn’t have the same volatility of temperment, and most of all, someone whose sense of honor and personal integrity was unquestionable.
Our relationship, after almost 30 years, is somewhat traditional in some ways, and extraordinarily modern in others. For the last two years, he has been working on a project out of state. We weren’t able to join him, because the kids were finishing up high school and I didn’t want to move them so close to the end. So I see him every two weeks or so (sometimes more often, sometimes less, depending on scheduling and demands). It’s not ideal, but it’s only temporary, for another year. We talk every day, and we still make decisions together.
Basically, stop trying to label a relationship. It is what it is — and it is what you make it.
AmazonRed™
May 27th, 2009
11:38 am
Again, I want to know who on here demasculated somebody????LOL!!!!
But since demasculate is not even a WORD, I figured they knew something I didn’t.
-W8©(man meal for lunch..just steak..nothing else)
May 27th, 2009
11:39 am
But on the flip side some weak males are intimidated by women who are more successful financially than they are( I said males, not men). If a woman chooses to do her thing and be successful in whatever she wants to pursue, I will be her biggest fan. “Go girl go”..but that azz is mine when you get home..
THE INFAMOUS DK
May 27th, 2009
11:40 am
Kimme – Dollface I could never see me wearing a skirt.
Kym
May 27th, 2009
11:41 am
abc I had the option to stay home with my son. His father was working a nice job full-time in a section of the country with a very low standard of living. I didn’t have to go out and seek employment. We were not starving, bills were being paid..and there was money for recreation(granted not much to do in that area of the country) but the funds were there. I simply could not get with the idea of staying at home all day.
Melo
May 27th, 2009
11:42 am
When youre married its not your money anymore. Its the money to better your family’s well being, no matter who makes it
100% ur pay check,ur 401k,ur bonus..all that is in one pot.U cant make decisions to take a loan from ur 401k without consultation with ur mate,for example.Whatchu gonna use the money for??
U on point with that.I make more than my Queen and i get to deposit it in a common account.Thats what she wants and i dont mind that at all.The funny thing tho(and i find this with most women),she thinks she can make decisions with (her??) paycheck(money) without my input smetimes.I have to put her on check a lot of times.
Marriage to me is like being a Christian.
U have to work at it everyday to make it work coz there are temptations,hiccups,sidetracks etc all the time,constantly and incesantly.
AmazonRed™
May 27th, 2009
11:42 am
Basically, stop trying to label a relationship. It is what it is — and it is what you make it.
This is always a problem for me because I like labels. Whether it’s pea soup or chicken soup or a hybrid of the two, it’s something. Maybe chick-pea!
Cemeeli
May 27th, 2009
11:42 am
Professor – I would like to ride out in either one. Camero or the Vette. Gotta a friend that’s a Kappa and he has a red one. One day he teased as he drops his son at the school he hollers out the window “Cee watch this”…and then proceed to rev-up the engine….yea, it’s red-hot to say the least!
kimmie
May 27th, 2009
11:42 am
DK – You’re just not a man if you allow a woman or anyone else to use you as a doormat! We’ve talked until we should all be blue in the face on here about woman that kick azz at work but should not expect to do the same when they come home to their man. We GET THAT!! In fact, most of us on here got that a long time ago!
As the man, YOU should not need a woman to ALLOW you to be the head & CEO of your household! You step in and just DO IT! Wish Truth was on here today, he could break it down to you!
Cemeeli
May 27th, 2009
11:43 am
@ ARed – Where do they live?
SexyCool
May 27th, 2009
11:43 am
NY2GA – I cosign your 1055a. Because although I’m not ruling it out, I really don’t think it’s me.
anonymousella
May 27th, 2009
11:45 am
@melo in couple #1’s case, i know both parties. they swing. couple #2, i know the husband. couple #3, i know the wife. now i can’t say with certainty what goes on behind closed doors. they could be really good at faking the funk. but all of these marriages are several years old and don’t involve children. if they were going to leave, i think they would have by now.
AmazonRed™
May 27th, 2009
11:46 am
Ceemeeli – They live in Moultrie, GA.
kimmie
May 27th, 2009
11:49 am
W8 – I know that, but even collectively I don’t see the women on here “demasculating” with thier words!!
DK – If you wanted to wear a skirt, do you! And guess what – you don’t have to ask Dollface’s permission to if you don’t want to! Wouldn’t want you to feel LESS than a man!!LOL!! Gosh I crack myself up sometimes!!
Cemeeli
May 27th, 2009
11:49 am
Lioness – I see where it started.
W8aaayytoomuch – At this point i’ll eat some steak. ONe of the lunch crew memembers is stuck in a meeting. We’re going to leave her…
I’m hongry!
Cemeeli
May 27th, 2009
11:51 am
okay south Georgia area…
Yea, that $115 is a stretch for that area maybe.
Lioness- Still on East Coast Time
May 27th, 2009
11:54 am
This girl I go to school is a stay at home mom. When she got married, she got pregnant & quit her job because her husband asked her to stay home and raise their children. They have a 3 year old & a 2 year old. Her husband started to entertain his women friends often and she would find the credit card receipts and used to be mad that she didn’t know who the women were. She used to confront him and he would say that the women were just his friends but she wanted to know why he never took her out.
Long story short, she filed for divorce this year and since she hasn’t worked for 3 years she is now struggling to get back into the workforce. Her husband closed their joint account and took all of the money (around 14k) and gave her 4k. She now wishes that she had not taken him up on his offer..
Professor
May 27th, 2009
11:55 am
Cee..I used to have a TransAm and I still have a Firebird. For some reason I just love them.
Sassy Me....Cocoa cure :-)
May 27th, 2009
11:55 am
If a woman chooses to do her thing and be successful in whatever she wants to pursue, I will be her biggest fan. “Go girl go”..but that azz is mine when you get home..
That’s what I’m talkin’ bout right there….I love it when a man(that knows what he’s doing) TAKES charge
There is a difference b/c some men want the power and are clueless as to what to do with it. If a woman is with a man that truly knows how to handle his biz then the rest will fall into place…..it will.
-W8©(man meal for lunch..just steak..nothing else)
May 27th, 2009
11:56 am
@Ce- its tastes great
@kimmie- he is talking about every other day on here..lol
-W8©(man meal for lunch..just steak..nothing else)
May 27th, 2009
11:59 am
@Lioness- she had to have some sort of clue before hand..im sure there is more to the story