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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Relationship A la Carte

Good Morning everyone! Today’s post is courtesy of our fabulous Raqi. If you are new to the MIA blog, Raqi is a married woman with a bambino on the way. Whenever she comments on relationships I perk up and take notes. She always provides insight about love and marriage without sugar coating things! Her topic today may strike a nerve for some of you but please read what she says carefully then weigh in with your comments!

In my early adult years I would hear of male-female relationships labeled with different terms. Traditional, Modern and Open. Those were considered the relationship combos as far as I am concerned. Today those terms still exist today but to some not in the same context. We have managed to construct relationships in a way that gives the benefit of one term sans the return responsibility.

The relationship a la carte. I, as most of you have read, am a traditionalist in the largest sense. I believe and practice the gender roles in my relationship. But that’s just me. What works for me does not necessarily work for others. That’s cool and that’s life. However, where I see the imbalance in some is with the picking and choosing of the relationship sectors. I find that many women want the benefits of having a traditional mate, yet they themselves do not care to take on the roles of the traditional woman.. There are men that desire the modernistic woman on one hand however he wants her to regard him as the head on the other.

It is all fair? Can we have it both ways? Can you enjoy the freedom of the open relationship and still get the devotion that comes with being monogamous?

I think not. But again that is just me. I read the other day where someone declared being a modern woman yet still wanted the protection of the days of old man.

Relationships are give and take. But can one give modern and expect traditional in return. Do you think we can pick and choose what part of the relationships we want to practice and it all work out in the end?

And not just that, how many of you buy into the together but separate ways of doing. Can a couple really be together yet live separate? Can you choose what part of the relationship you want to live as a couple and what parts you don’t?

540 comments Add your comment

-W8©

May 27th, 2009
10:12 am

@My2- I used to hate driving my ex’s car(she had the 4 seater mine has only 2) with the sorority plates on it and the little girly thing hanging from the mirror even though I bought the car..but hey if I didnt drive it..it would have never gotten washed nor had oil and tire changes..lol..I used to get in trouble for not putting that thing back on the rearview mirror all of the time..lmao…no worries now though we broke up and you darn right I took the car back and dont feel bad about it

Tazzee - it's my birthday week!

May 27th, 2009
10:14 am

Cemeeli – I came back to try to answer you yesterday, but the blog was shut down – are you talking about Flip – the gourmet burger place that has the Krispy Kreme milkshake?

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
10:14 am

And the idea of sitting at home 24/7 would drive me ape shyt batty.

Kym – Just because you’re at home, doesn’t mean you’re chained to the house. Keep learning and going to school. That’s allowed. :lol:

SexyCool

May 27th, 2009
10:15 am

For a very long time, I was a 100% traditional woman. Prepared to submit, serve, cater to and spoil my man in any way, shape, form or fashion. The problem I kept running into – I have not met the traditional man who can hold up his end of the deal.

And quite frankly, I’ve become a bit jaded. So, right now, I am making it up as I go along and doing what works for me. I am tired of the men who want to physical benefits of the relationship with none of the emotional, financial or mental responsibilities. Sybil and Jazzy mentioned a term yesterday – “fugging for sport”. I’ve run into a lot of that lately. And I’m over it. As a result, I am spending time with myself, looking inside to see what it is that I am doing that I continually attract this into my life.

Like JFoxx says, “I got options. I don’t need it.”

Three Words Daily – Free your mind.

East Point's Own

May 27th, 2009
10:18 am

AmazonRedI only threw that in because I have been told by a couple women that as long as their man keeps them & the kids financially set ( and I mean very financialy set.. LoL) and he is around to help raise the kids, they will accept him seeing other women.

Melo What are you saying? that you no longer think is an African American tradition? I mean I one of the women I am speaking of is asian… so I can’t cosign on that. But yes I am African American… still not sure how that factors in though.

Everybody not working does not mean staying in the house… I know a woman who does not work but she volunteers several days a week with emotionally and mentally challenged kids and I used to live in Bham and there were a lot of well off families there where the wives did not work and there was a lively housewife scenes around town during working hours (classes, workshops, social events, etc) I never said you had to be at home with the kids… what about the years of marriage before and after the kids???

Cemeeli

May 27th, 2009
10:18 am

W8 – Under my um-ber-ella, ella, ella! Deep!

Kimmie hahahaha…rotf.

Tazzee – Okay “Flip” right off Howell Mill…lemme tell them.

I need a Krispy Kreme too! As you can tell i’m on a sugar low.

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
10:18 am

The only way I could give up working is if I had a small child to care for, but as soon as that child was old enough to go to daycare, I would need at least a part-time job

Tazzee – Several of my co-workers put their kids in daycare at 6 weeks old, so apparently, that’s old enough. :lol:

Professor

May 27th, 2009
10:22 am

@ W8 I am good for getting my cars serviced but washing, waxing and buffing that is something else. Needless to say I have a two seater now and I still cannot keep it together and we will not talk about my other car…LOL

I guess I need to make a trip to Cactus Carwash

Tazzee - it's my birthday week!

May 27th, 2009
10:22 am

AmRed – I wouldn’t put them in at 6 weeks, more like 12 months with some part-time day care starting at 6 months so they can learn some social skills. I’d be so upset if I missed my baby’s first steps, first tooth, etc. I can’t imagine picking him up from daycare and them telling me he walked that day :-(

But then again – if I needed to work to pay the bills, I’d get over it I guess.

Lioness- Still on East Coast Time

May 27th, 2009
10:22 am

Ared- That is retarded! 6 months? I am not leaving my child with anyone(besides certain family members) before they are 2!

THE INFAMOUS DK

May 27th, 2009
10:22 am

Honeslty most women dont even know what a real man is these days. They are so used to wearing their dudes pants they dont know how to wear their skirt. There are still Men out there who wear their pants and could care less how you feel about it. There are Dudes out there who believe that a woman cant tell a man anything about how to be a man. So many women have opinions about what makes a man. I have a novel idea for you.. Try worring about what makes a woman and let a man worry about being a man, that way you dont have the pressure of trying to build a man a la carte. When you have been working on being the best woman you can be you will know immediately when you meet a dude if he is what you need.

-W8©

May 27th, 2009
10:23 am

@Kimmie- How you been? eh eh eh eh..lol but that’s just the way I see things.

@SexyCool- I can see where you are coming from with that, a lot of people just don’t know how to act and it’s not our job to teach them.. On the dating scene now i’ve seen some women who try and use the sex as a tool, that crap doesnt work for me. I want to explore her mind first if I am not comfortable mentally nothing is going to happen. Options are always there and the cream rises to the top.

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
10:23 am

Cemeeli – There is some sort of marshmellow/nutella shake at Flip that is good too, so try that one in additon to the Krispy Kreme.

I went on my expense account so I pretty much tried the whole menu while I was there. :lol:

Tazzee - it's my birthday week!

May 27th, 2009
10:23 am

Professor – I’ve been blessed in that every job I’ve had for the past 10 years has had a car wash service that came to the job. That is SO convenient. Even with that, I’ve been guilty of needing a wash every now and then – especially during rainy seasons like this.

kimmie

May 27th, 2009
10:24 am

Professor – Yeah, that’s me all the way. At least you’re going to Cactus – I think I,m doing something if I go thru the drive-thru!LOL!!

East Point's Own

May 27th, 2009
10:25 am

Why does everyone keep equating not working with raising kids and housework… I posted an open question I did not say you had to do any of that… My question was how many rules/requirement or rathe what rules/requirements could you live by if your man gave you that option.

So basically if you could not work what’s the limit of the amount of control he could have over you for you to have that “freedom” of not having a 9 to 6. Would you cook/clean/break the bank spending/raise kids/ etc. Or is it a no-go under all circumstances???

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
10:26 am

Ared- That is retarded! 6 months? I am not leaving my child with anyone(besides certain family members) before they are 2!

No Lioness, 6 WEEKS.

Dan

May 27th, 2009
10:27 am

@EPO

I had a young lady flat out tell me that when she had kids (after marriage) that she wouldn’t work til they were in kindergarten. My mouth dropped.

I was like “Really? In the meantime, what if hubby gotta get to/tree jobs (In Living Color fans know that one)?” Her reply, “Then he has to.” Wooooooooooow

Melo

May 27th, 2009
10:27 am

I know some guys that are completely useless. There are skills that they just never felt like the needed to know. Including one (good friend) that said: “that’s why God created women

I luv how we all go on extremes when discussing certain topics on the blog!
Traditional,in my book does not necessarily mean that the wife has to stay at home.She can or could if thats what uall decide to do but i dont think that is necessarily the qualifier.What defines a Traditional marriage is really a mix of things.
The man is ceratinly the head of the family,the backbone,the bread winner,the rock,the decision maker,the go to guy etc.
There are certain things in my home that i dont make decsions on.So do not take decision maker point abve as gospel.Example,my wife wants to change the tiling in her kitchen,she may say ‘daddy,what u think’.I put in my opinion but iam not gonna lose sleep on it coz she handling it.I do cook on occasion if i want to or have to but thats her show.There are multiple things i do that she dont have to or wont do coz that my thang to handle.If shes working late, i used to cook for both of us be4 she arrived home.My girls do that now.
Dan’s friends version of traditional is close to slavery! :lol: Good luck with that in 2009!
My soon to be 4 year old is now learning to put the outside lights on(protector).I told him thats hiz job and now eve nite he says,”daddy,im gon do my job’ He will learn more protector roles as he grows older.But yes,the mom is gonna teach him how to clean,iron,cook coz everybody needs to know that for basic survival.Common sense u would think? :) Maybe not for some. :lol:

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
10:28 am

AmazonRedI only threw that in because I have been told by a couple women that as long as their man keeps them & the kids financially set ( and I mean very financialy set.. LoL) and he is around to help raise the kids, they will accept him seeing other women.

:???: Dumb broads. I guess those are the women that really enter a marriage to have kids. I didn’t believe those existed til abc stated he married one. Then I had a girlfriend admit that she wants the kids more than the man anyway and once it comes down to caring for her child or working on her marriage the child will win! :shock:

Lioness- Still on East Coast Time

May 27th, 2009
10:29 am

Ared- WTH? Something is WRONG with that person! I couldn’t do anything but worry about my child @ that time! Homegirl was just able to start having sex again.. Dropping the baby off with strangers.. WOW!

kimmie

May 27th, 2009
10:29 am

W8 – I’ve been great, dawg, just getting crunk for summer! I’m home this morning, finally doing my clothes rotation – packing away the winter stuff and glad to see it go for awhile!!!

Of course, I did the shoe collection awhile back!

Really, really trying to get this exercise program going – on top of taking my martial arts classes. I really want to get in better shape and be completely serious about it.

East Point's Own

May 27th, 2009
10:31 am

W8 THanks for signing up… I just started that blog Thursday or Friday so I have not really figured out where to go with it yet… I am looking at my fan base and trying to determine what they like to read about. BUt basically I am trying to get dudes’ wardrobe( and their woman’s wardrobe), wine lists, and minds right ( concerning relationships and finances) as well as a few entertaining articles to keep folks interested. Its a lot in the world that I have seen and until others are exposed they won’t know that they can do better and get more out of life.
Basically if you went to the site you can send me any ideas or suggestions related to the subject matter. I have the email address you registered with so I will be in contact.

http://hispointofview.com

-W8©

May 27th, 2009
10:31 am

@Professor- I’m a regular at Cactus Carwash on piedmont,I get my haircut right across the street @71 so i’m there every saturday morning for a few hours. What model do you have? I have a black Z06 and just ordered a ZR1 that will be here at the end of July. There is a minority vette owners club that Chief Pennington actually heads up, you should check it out.

@Infamous DK- I AGREE WITH YOU 100% somehow some way you should post your 10:22am every single day..or mass email it out or something

Melo

May 27th, 2009
10:31 am

EPO, I meant ur point where u referenced married or supposedly married women in clubs week in week out,without their husbands.I thoght that was an african american tradition of independence but married.That was my point.

Leggs

May 27th, 2009
10:32 am

A man should be a covering! Most definitely!

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
10:32 am

I had a young lady flat out tell me that when she had kids (after marriage) that she wouldn’t work til they were in kindergarten. My mouth dropped.

I love it. Again, I don’t understand why folks have kids to allow someone else to raise them. You kids will only be babies once.

Lioness- Still on East Coast Time

May 27th, 2009
10:33 am

EPO- So basically if you could not work what’s the limit of the amount of control he could have over you for you to have that “freedom” of not having a 9 to 6. Would you cook/clean/break the bank spending/raise kids/ etc. Or is it a no-go under all circumstances???

CONTROL?? Who would want to be CONTROLLED in a relationship because they were given the option to not work? Me being controlled is a No Go!

Professor

May 27th, 2009
10:34 am

@East Point- I guess my option of continuing to work usinge my income as ancillary e.g. to save more in the kids 529 plan, invest more for retirement, becoming debt free etc. is not an option.

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
10:36 am

Ared- WTH? Something is WRONG with that person! I couldn’t do anything but worry about my child @ that time! Homegirl was just able to start having sex again.. Dropping the baby off with strangers.. WOW!

Lioness, it’s really more common than you think. Some folks can’t afford to take the time off. My co-worker chose 6 weeks so she’d still have enough leave if the baby got sick (and by putting your kid in daycare with all those other kids means they get sick a LOT!)

kimmie

May 27th, 2009
10:36 am

I had a young lady flat out tell me that when she had kids (after marriage) that she wouldn’t work til they were in kindergarten.

That’s not unheard of, especially among the “swiss” – I ran into a lot of them at UGA, especially those there to get their M-R-S degree! If she wants to be a stay-at-home mom and that’s what her husband wants, it’s all good. Just like what EPO asked – what if he wanted her home? You’re not that kind of dude.

It’s just now what YOU want in a woman, Dan – but what’s so wrong with that?

SexyCool

May 27th, 2009
10:37 am

I just want to meet someone who knows how to play his position and that will allow me to play mine. However, today’s societal influences has perpetuated a relationship environment that is skewed. So much so, that most people would be incapable of assuming the role that they are supposed to play even if it were scripted specifically for them.

-W8©

May 27th, 2009
10:37 am

@EastPoint- I will ride with you over there, sounds like my kind of “blog”

@Kimmie – I feel ya..oddly enough I am trying to slow it down this summer and move back out to the ‘burbs..lol

Professor

May 27th, 2009
10:39 am

W8- I have a Black coupe, and I love it. My other car is a sports car as well. Do you mind giving me the info about the vette club? I have been looking to join a club, but I have not found one yet that I was comfortable with (b/c of the reasons you stated). By the way, how did you know my two-seater was a vette? Most people think it is something like the Saturn Sky or Solstice when I say I have a two seater…you know something more feminine. That is the Cactus I go to on Saturdays when I get my car clean…

M'

May 27th, 2009
10:41 am

I think that this issue is one of the most salient reasons that there are so many ppl in my generation (the baby boomers) are reaching middle age and…either we have never been married (like myself and several other ppl that I know) or because we can not sustain long term relationships and have histories of multiple marriages and divorces.

Many of us grew up in the age of transition from traditionalist marriage units to the divorce culture…so there is a wide range of mixed experiences in our backstories…quite often when I have heard couples in my age group talk about growing apart from each other…what they usually meant was that the initial understanding of the relationship was based on a traditionalist paradigm…but as society changed, as the roles of women changed, as opportunities to pursue other options changed…so did the expectations of the relationship…it seemed that while most of the men still expected the traditionalist paradigm of a relationship…the women started feeling the desire or need to become less traditionalist, thus wanting or expecting a shift in the paradigm to suit their own personal growth agendas…and with divorce now a more commonly accepted out…many marriages ended rather than remain intact.

The other side of this issue in our generation is that some men who grew up in traditionalist households…and who did not value the “housewife” status of their mothers…wanted a woman who was willing to work and to contribute to the household income…but at the same time, these same men could not do any of the traditional household duties required to make it a mutual endeavor of exchange…these relationship paradigms did not work well either.

Just an observation.

-W8©

May 27th, 2009
10:42 am

@lioness- “CONTROL?? Who would want to be CONTROLLED in a relationship because they were given the option to not work? Me being controlled is a No Go!”

What’s your definition of controlled? If a woman is not working her roll at home has to increase..plain and simple.

East Point's Own

May 27th, 2009
10:42 am

Dan Well I would love to be that dude who could support a wife and kids without her having to work… but I am not at that point yet… any woman with that requirement will have to keep on walking for a couple more years… LoL But really I don’t think I could date a woman who had that as a requirement… in today’s society that’s still the best way as far as the kids are concerned but not many people can afford to live that way even wit two tree jobs.

I make more than both my parents combined, but my costs of living are much higher than theirs(my town house cost on 1/2 acre in VA cost more than their house on 3 acres in ATL), and I could definitely not support a wife unless she was completely debt free and I did not have to cover any of her financial obligations from prior to our meeting.

So if a woman expected me to support her at this point in my life she would have to sit her arse inthe house all day… LoL

Kym

May 27th, 2009
10:43 am

@DK I like that idea. I have battle royals with family about marriage. I am perfectly happy with the idea of a very long term committed relationship. I am not pressed to get married.

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
10:43 am

@East Point- I guess my option of continuing to work usinge my income as ancillary e.g. to save more in the kids 529 plan, invest more for retirement, becoming debt free etc. is not an option.

Professor – I want to work after I marry just to use my income as savings. That way, if I want to stay home after the babies come, or one of us wants to go back to school full time, etc… we have built a nest egg.

Melo

May 27th, 2009
10:45 am

I just want to meet someone who knows how to play his position and that will allow me to play mine

If u lucky and persistent SexxyCool u can meet that person.But u have to ward thru a lot of weeds and woods coz there is so much confusion out there.To be a traditional man,it takes seeing it being practiced elsewhere,oftetimes,in his/ur home by ur parents,uncles,aunts etc.There is a zulu saying, translate,”to inherit/achieve success,u gotta see success at work or in practice”When u meet a potentail dude,try meet their family too,see how they interract,inquire about them and their life styles,who is married to who etc.
If there is no pattern of successful marriages in his background,then u know the deal.
NOW!!, dont let that sexx confuse ya. :lol:

Lioness- Still on East Coast Time

May 27th, 2009
10:47 am

W8- Having me on a schedule that I have no say so. That word Control is a strong word to me..

THE INFAMOUS DK

May 27th, 2009
10:49 am

SexyCool – I think thats what we are all looking for. In a right now culture no one believes in getting toknow someone for real anymore. I say step back and slow the world down around you and you will see whats going on. Its almost like a movie on fast motion while youre moving slow, eventually you will see someone in the background moving at your speed.

Professor

May 27th, 2009
10:49 am

@ Ared I agree with you totally some money is there to fall back on.

Ohh I forgot to mention that I have taught classes online so I could actually stay home and still make a few pennies, or teach at night a little if it was about staying home for the kids…

Dan

May 27th, 2009
10:51 am

@Kimmie

Naw, it ain’t what I want, and the point was made during the conversation.

But it leads me to SexyCool’s point about a “scripted role”. Ain’t nothing scripted about this life, IMO. I can only be the D and those that ride with it, ride with it. Those that don’t, I ain’t mad at cha.

Thing of it is, to my mind a lot of people spend more time wondering what “role” they want to play or want their partner to play, and no time to who they are. And to DK’s point, being the best “you” you can be, everything else will fall into place on that line.

-W8©

May 27th, 2009
10:51 am

@Professor- How did I know you have a Vette.lol..I pay attention to details all of the time and reading what you have typed in the past about your car I knew it was a vette. It’s a national organization and I’m a memebr of the Atlanta chapter It’s an invitation only club so I will hook you up with it. It’s about 45% women so it’s not an all boys club and it’s fun but yet mature. If you remember a few years ago in the news Chief Pennington got in some trouble because he had some on duty officers escorting us..so we ran redlights and sped all over the place..lol

East Point's Own

May 27th, 2009
10:52 am

Professor Naw, I am keeping it simple either you work or you don’t. SO I guess you are in the pile with those who would not give up working no matter what.

Lioness Its not for everybody… but unless your man whas Bill Gates money and also does not care where you are and what you do no body is going to give you keys to the kingdom and the checkbook without some strings attached. 99% of women who don’t have to work have some types of expectaions placed upon them, if it be: staying in shape, looking like a model 24/7,spending limits, cooking, sex, etc… there is some element of control in these relationships. Why would I give you everything and not require anything of you? SO women who accept these deals are willing to accept some level of control by their man.

-W8©

May 27th, 2009
10:54 am

@lioness- At the end of the day the man has the control to say yes or no.

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
10:54 am

Ohh I forgot to mention that I have taught classes online so I could actually stay home and still make a few pennies, or teach at night a little if it was about staying home for the kids…

Professor – Exactly. Working from home is great! :lol: Being a stay at home mom or wife is really not a death sentence. You can do plenty of things to get what you need out of the adult world. You’re just not a slave to having a 9-5 anymore.

Sassy Me....Cocoa cure :-)

May 27th, 2009
10:54 am

I have not met the traditional man who can hold up his end of the deal….And quite frankly, I’ve become a bit jaded. So, right now, I am making it up as I go along and doing what works for me. I am tired of the men who want to physical benefits of the relationship with none of the emotional, financial or mental responsibilities.

SexyCool I feel you and agree….I know for a fact that at one point I was quite jaded and in my pursuit of “doing me” I became selfish…to a degree. Currently I’m single so the selfishness isn’t effecting anyone but like you said “fuggin’ for sport” is some college type ish I got past a looong time ago.

I also cosign with your 10:27 as well….good point. Keep it 100, girl do your thang :)

NY2GA, Inc.

May 27th, 2009
10:55 am

As a result, I am spending time with myself, looking inside to see what it is that I am doing that I continually attract this into my life.

@SEXYCOOL

I took this quote out of your post to say that spending time with yourself is always good, but so far as attracting those that like to do it for sport…it may not be about you. I see it this way… It is like shooting a gun at a target. Sometimes you hit the mark that you anticipated and sometimes you don’t. They see you as a target and try to run game to see if you are with it (sport fuggin). If you are- they hit the mark. So, I’d say that the reason why you may be attracting these dudes may only be because you are female…nothing deeper than that. Based on their experience with other women they may have been conditioned to think that the same approaches and tactics may work with you, too. It may not be that you are putting energy out there that says “come to me.” They’re coming anyway.

Man sees woman. Man becomes intrigued. Lightbulb goes off in head…he wants to pursue/hunt to try to meet his hunger for intimacy. He’ll try. Either he’ll succeed or fail in getting you to meet his needs. In the meantime, you weren’t doing anything but enjoying your space and “doing you.”