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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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Relationship A la Carte

Good Morning everyone! Today’s post is courtesy of our fabulous Raqi. If you are new to the MIA blog, Raqi is a married woman with a bambino on the way. Whenever she comments on relationships I perk up and take notes. She always provides insight about love and marriage without sugar coating things! Her topic today may strike a nerve for some of you but please read what she says carefully then weigh in with your comments!

In my early adult years I would hear of male-female relationships labeled with different terms. Traditional, Modern and Open. Those were considered the relationship combos as far as I am concerned. Today those terms still exist today but to some not in the same context. We have managed to construct relationships in a way that gives the benefit of one term sans the return responsibility.

The relationship a la carte. I, as most of you have read, am a traditionalist in the largest sense. I believe and practice the gender roles in my relationship. But that’s just me. What works for me does not necessarily work for others. That’s cool and that’s life. However, where I see the imbalance in some is with the picking and choosing of the relationship sectors. I find that many women want the benefits of having a traditional mate, yet they themselves do not care to take on the roles of the traditional woman.. There are men that desire the modernistic woman on one hand however he wants her to regard him as the head on the other.

It is all fair? Can we have it both ways? Can you enjoy the freedom of the open relationship and still get the devotion that comes with being monogamous?

I think not. But again that is just me. I read the other day where someone declared being a modern woman yet still wanted the protection of the days of old man.

Relationships are give and take. But can one give modern and expect traditional in return. Do you think we can pick and choose what part of the relationships we want to practice and it all work out in the end?

And not just that, how many of you buy into the together but separate ways of doing. Can a couple really be together yet live separate? Can you choose what part of the relationship you want to live as a couple and what parts you don’t?

540 comments Add your comment

East Point's Own

May 27th, 2009
8:15 am

The only way you can have it both ways is if you find someone to date whom you can control, or who is lacks a spine. Basically you are describing people who want all the benefits without making sacrifices or doing work.

Together but seperate? Well in certain ways that works, I do believe that each partner in a couple needs at least a couple friends beyond the “joint” friends… not to say that a man or woman need to have friends who are strangers to their mate, but you need to have some interaction with people who are outside your common circle of friends.

I do not buy into the whole thing about folks who are “seriously dating” or married who live apart or in seperate rooms by choice and who don’t live their lives together. There is something wrong, or those folks are married for the wrong reason. If you can’t spend time or sleep together then the problem need to be addressed, and if one party is unwilling to address the issue whether its medical, financial, or emotional then they are putting their selfishness before the relationship, which is not healthy for the relationship.

East Point's Own

May 27th, 2009
8:25 am

I know a couple of married women who come out clubbing with me and my friends(guys and girls)…on a weekly basis (without their husbands) for months at a time and I always wonder what the deal is with that. Its not like once a month or a couple times a year, I mean every week sometimes twice a week for a couple months solid. Either these hubbys are using that time to cheat, or they are spineless dudes who do not realize what their wives are capable of doing when they are out drinking. I have seen these married women acting very single in the clubs.

Raqi

May 27th, 2009
8:28 am

East Point I encourage having friends to spend time with away from your spouse. It’s healthy. That’s not what I am talking about. By “together but separate” I am talking about being a part-time couple. You can’t give all of your time but hold back on the finances, for example. You can’t expect your woman to give all of her body and being while you ration out your time. If you are together you are together.

Dan

May 27th, 2009
8:34 am

I had a version of this conversation with a friend. In my travails of dating I find the same illogic quoted often by women “want[ing]the benefits of a traditional mate, yet do not take the role of a traditional woman.” And for yours truly, that is fine. I mean, I cook, clean, wash, sew, iron, and all the traditional “female” stuff because I don’t want to have to depend on a potential mate to have to do any of that for me. Strange thing is my divorced high school football coach impressed that on us.

And I can deal with a traditional woman, and be a version of a traditional man, but I’d rather not. I’d rather have a modern woman with her own opinion and engage in a healthy debate about the direction of our lives together.

I pray to be wise enough in life to know that I don’t know everything and that’s what I want in a mate. Someone to challenge me with the same veracity that she presents facts at work and I will her. In that (healthy tension) there lies the seeds for a great relationship.

mytw♥tatas

May 27th, 2009
8:45 am

RAQI (24? 23? Gimme my countdown so I can mastermind the kidna..uhh babysit!)

When I try to order a la carte at a restaurant, thinking if I just get the main element I’m craving, I’ll be good. But I usually end up disatisfied. And paying for extra stuff I really didn’t want, but thought I’d throw in to make it seem more like a complete meal. However, if I just focus on the entree that will satisfy most of what I’m craving for, I’m happiest. With leftovers I actually want to revisit. :idea: Guess I’ll just have to reserve a place on the mantel for the club that’ll come with my caveman.

What if I come back thru, with sumthin real foolish…

East Point's Own

May 27th, 2009
8:45 am

Raqi Gotcha…
Well I agree with that too. I mean you have to have a balance of everything. Ideally I would love to meet a women with whom I can share 100% of everything emotion, finance, thoughts, recreation, etc. But man…. its sooo hard to trust folks these days with all of the ulterior motives and doing what you have to do to get what you want from someone. I know friends who dated women for years, got engaged and some married while some didn’t make it that far… but either way they found out years into the game that their ladies had hidden major facts from them.. like one was still married to another dude, and another lied about her job and education for years. I mean love can cause you to let your guard down and get hit on the head when you are vulnerable.

In theory I would love to say I will be 100% open and share everything with my future wife (if there is one) because I don’t see myself marrying a woman I can’t share everything with. But at the same time I would require the same… I don’t believe that a man or woman should be maintianing a “just in case fund” in the event that there is a divorce. I say if you are that paranoid of divorce sign a pre-nup. Also as you said I don’t see myself being with someone who never/rarely wants to allow me into her world.

mytw♥tatas

May 27th, 2009
8:47 am

PROFESSOR D, You do not sit around in your courduroy blazer with the patches on the elbow sewing! Is this a utility borne of your proclaimed frugality or what?

Tazzee - it's my birthday week!

May 27th, 2009
9:01 am

Morning All!

Great topic Raqi! I think this relationship a la carte business is a result of our selfish society. A lot of things are ‘have it your way’ nowadays. Yes, I joke about being married with separate houses – but in all honesty I know that if I desire to be married then sharing a home with my husband comes with it. However, if I COULD have my cake and eat it too (stupid phrase, but I’ll use it) then I would totally jump on that deal. Unfortunately, there are probably some other heartaches that would outweigh the discomfort of sharing my space that I’d have to contend with…

I’m a traditionalist in that I believe there are certain roles in a relationship. I’m a modern woman in that my skillset is a mixture of the male and female roles. For me to take on the traditional ‘wife’ roles in a relationship would require a MAJOR shift for me, one that I’m not sure I could do. Yes, I can do all those things – but to do them on a regular basis with my work and workout schedule is not necessarily something I’m trying to do. But I still want a traditional man. In the end, for me, there’s a level of compromise – I may not get ALL the traditional ‘head’ characteristics in my husband, but I will get the ones I need. Similarly, my husband will get all he needs.

I think we can have it both ways (kind of an 80/20 ratio) if we find a mate that operates both ways. And in this day and age with so many single parent households, divorces, etc – a lot of men and women are doing both roles. After playing both roles for a long time, when the two people merge – the result may not be the man doing all the traditional male roles but if we choose wisely, the end result will workd for both parties.

Professor

May 27th, 2009
9:02 am

Good Morning,

Long story short, I think anything and any arrangement can work as long as two people agree to it, regardless of how dysfunctional it may seem on the outside looking in. Think about the relationships that blossoms for those that are incarcerated. Many of those locked up are engaged and get married to those that are out here walking around quite frequently. As for modern vs. traditional I still feel the same way it will work as long as two people agree on it. Being a woman I value a lot of the traditional ways, however my background and upbringing allows me to embrace many of the modern moves. Guess what, I have been in relationships where the modern/traditional gave way to a nice recipe.

Raqi

May 27th, 2009
9:03 am

Dan That’s good. No one is knocking that.

TwoLincolns It’s 24 days until I go on maternity leave and 36 days until she is actually due to be born. And I only $2.50 an hour for babysitting.

EastPoint I struggle with this stuff also. I am learning as I go along. But I am very much aware of the selfishness and unfairness of wanting to pick and choose as it benefits me. I am not in this relationship by myself. I have to give what it is I want to receive. I knew the type of man that my husband was before agreeing to marry him. And I knew the type of wife I am willing to work to be. If I didn’t see that we were on the same page in the type of relationship we want I would not be married to him today. I don’t do everything right and neither does he but we at least have the same foundation for our relationship in mind.

kimmie

May 27th, 2009
9:05 am

Morning Blog Fam!

I’m a little early today cause I’m blogging from home – going in late.

Great topic Raqi!

I am of the opinion that all relationships are a la carte, or a modified version of traditional. To explain this, I am remembering what my mom used to tell me – “You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors in other people’s houses”. I did not fully understand it until I got older and really observed the behavior of other people and the glimps I was able to see of the dynamics of their relationship, including my own parents. A lot of people are “traditional” out in pubic and for the church, but “non-traditional” or “modern” behind closed doors. Sometimes they offer others a peek behind those doors. Every couple does what works for them – they are grown and there is no rule book.

For example, an older couple we knew growing up slept in seperate bedrooms I found out thru my mom when I got older. She told me they dearly loved each other, but the husband snored very badly and wife just could not rest. They would get together intimately and hubby would lay beside wife until she fell asleep, then go into the other room to sleep. They would meet up in the morning. They were happily married until death parted them, over 50 years later. It’s what worked for them.

Even those who say they want traditional traits in a mate, yet are not traditional themselves – there is someone out there for them too. I’ve seen that work out quite well too. I know a couple where those roles are mixed and they would not have it any other way. The wife is feminine, yet kinda tomboyish. She is kinda “tough” – in the Air Force – and is the main breadwinner. They have 2 great kids. The husband is the “sensitive, romantic” one in the relationship, though he is no punk. He works from home and cared for the kids until they started school. He does most of the cooking, she cleans very well and is great in the yard! It all seems to work for them and knowing them I really could not see either of them with a “traditional-minded” person.

There has to be a meeting of the minds in what each person wants in the other. Once that happens, who cares what others think?!

Dan

May 27th, 2009
9:07 am

My2

Coach had gone through a reallly bad divorce after 20 years. In a team meeting he started talking about the difficulties of life.

A grown man telling me he didn’t know how to wash clothes or cook nothing, only warm isht up, it hurt my feelings. And I never forgot it.

Tazzee - it's my birthday week!

May 27th, 2009
9:07 am

mytw♥tatas I love your restaurant analogy. I am notorious for ‘wasting’ food when I go out simply because I want just a taste of different things. It’s much easier to get it all in an entree than to order separately and when it’s all said and done – the meal ordered a la carte does cost more. And usually, the things that I don’t care for in the entree aren’t major enough for me to discard the entire meal.

The same principle can be used when choosing a mate. There are some things about my guy that irk me, but they are minor and the overall entree of him keeps me satisfied so I’m good! ;-)

Professor

May 27th, 2009
9:09 am

@ Kimmie my grandparents had separate rooms as well. I never thought twice about it and they were married over 50 years.

Raqi

May 27th, 2009
9:12 am

After playing both roles for a long time

Tazzee that was my life. However in that I always knew what it was I wanted in and from a relationship. We had and occasionally still do have our tug-a-wars on matters because I took care of myself and my kids all by myself. When he says let him handle it…I’ll just say this, it is becoming easier to do that now.

And no one get me wrong, I am not campaigning for the traditional way, I am just saying that you can’t give one way but expect another way in return without the understanding of your mate.

East Point's Own

May 27th, 2009
9:14 am

ALl this talk about “having my own” reminds me ov a debate I got into with a young lady last week. She said that she would never take any man seriously unless he said “Hey baby I got you, you don’t have to work anymore…” I said well if a man said that what sacrifices are you willing to make? what rules of the house are you willing to abide by? And what does that mean, would you be fine living in a nice house, decent car and shopping once a month or so? Or do you expect to go shopping every other day and keep the newest Benz 550 or 600 in the driveway every year? This particular woman said she was down with the program… if her man provided all she reqired she would keep him fed, clothed, happy in all ways, etc… so I can’t really get on her too hard.

So my question here is for all the “I can/want/will have my own women… if a man said you could sit back and not work, would you do it? And if so what is the limit of your man’s requirements/expectations that you could live with? ( pre-nup?, cooking, cleaning, sexual expectations, spending limits, etc. oh yeah, and what if he had other women on the side but kept you happy at home???)

East Point's Own

May 27th, 2009
9:16 am

Sorry about the slight topic change… my bad… but hey I have been here for 3-4 years and this is my first time… LoL
Also this is my first time plugging my new blog so go check it out
http://hispointofview.com

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
9:23 am

Whew!!! Good morning all. Great topic today Raqi.

Yes, I have to admit, I’ve claimed to be a traditional woman, but then want my independence and other things a la carte. I don’t think you can have it both ways, really without changing what it is.

As I stated recently, having a traditional man highlighted that I need to do more to become a more traditional woman. I’ve had to stop being so independent at times and just let him handle things. Fortunately it’s not a threat to my womanhood.

In other news, new boo asked me my sex number last night! I really didn’t think that still happened to folks in their 30s. :lol:

mytw♥tatas

May 27th, 2009
9:25 am

The REAL PROFESSOR Don’t you think there’s A LOT more to those Prison Love Stories than compromise, tho?

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
9:26 am

Oh and as for separate but equal… my friends think I’m not into guys because I still need my “me” time. Driving home from new boo’s place I was thinking to myself that I just want a day to myself to catch up on my full DVR. :lol: I don’t think he’d mind, but I’m trying to figure out how much “separate” is enough without pushing him away.

Professor

May 27th, 2009
9:26 am

@ East Point-

So my question here is for all the “I can/want/will have my own women… if a man said you could sit back and not work, would you do it?

I have been drawing a paycheck for 20 years and prior to that my parents gave me an allowance, with that said it is in me to my very core to do some kind of work. Therefore if a man said I do not have to work I would still work and tell him to handle everything as if I did not work, and we could use my income as ancillary e.g. to save more in the kids 529 plan, invest more for retirement, becoming debt free etc. I am passionate about my career and I love what I do, it would be painful to give that up.

Kym

May 27th, 2009
9:27 am

Good Morning All,

Let me see if I follow because there seems to be several topics roled into this one. Open relationships, the well worn modern -traditional battle royal.(Who really is right?) and the ever popular separate but together. Not sure if I follow or even where to start..but here goes.

Not every person, situation, or life is the same. So there is no way to say that every relationship, should, can or will follow some pre-design pattern. IMHO relationships are not cookie-cutter. They are all hybrids. Bits and pieces of all these pre-designed ideas and tradtional elements.

In the terms of open relationship..I am not sure how you define it but I always thought it meant the two people were together(married in name only) yet choose to date, or fool around with other people.(I called this the swinger mentality)–I consider all dating relationships open until confirmed committment by both parties.

As for separate lives..are we talking about married people? Because again I think dating couples date for companionship..but share separate lives -I really don’t see a problem with this. I mean if I am dating a man I have no desire to share every waking moment or interest he has..anymore than I would expect him to share all of my interest and desire. For example, my desire is to go to law school, if I am dating a guy who has no interest what so ever in law I wouldn’t expect him to share my same passion for the law..but I would ask that he respect my desire to follow that passion.

Thats all I got this early in the morning.

kimmie

May 27th, 2009
9:31 am

Dan – I noticed you mentioned a lot of difficulties some friends you have had with marriage and the women they choose. 2 guys come to mind that I’ve dated that sound like you and your friends.

If you ever would like a happy, positive relationship for yourself, you might want to limit you dealings with those guys, or at least the convo about relationships. I’ve observed that men that I see that seem happy in their relationships and marriages have positive, like-minded friends! Those that are miserable, untrusting of women, unfaithful, players – friends are the same! Misery LOVES company! My SO is a widower and by all accounts had a great marriage for 11 years. Other than the one couple that is seperated, all his friends SEEM to be happily married family men!. In fact, just being around him and his friends renewed my faith that there are great AA men out there that are committed and love their families. It is a truly different world versus my experience with the other 2 guys I mentioned above!

Speaking of your coach, my mom raised my brothers to be able to do traditional things for themselves. She said everyone should be able to care for themselves anyway and they may not meet & marry a traditional woman like their mother. They appreciate her wisdom to this day!

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
9:34 am

@ Kimmie my grandparents had separate rooms as well. I never thought twice about it and they were married over 50 years

My aunt has her “own” room along with her the room she has with her husband. She doesn’t use it often, but it’s there when she wants her “me” time. She’s in a house full of men (they have two sons) so it helps keep her sane. He sons had a share a room their whole lives because my aunt wasn’t giving up her “woman cave” :lol:

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
9:34 am

Oh, and my aunt never cooked either. My uncle was the cook in the family. How I envy that sometimes! :lol:

Professor

May 27th, 2009
9:34 am

@ mytw♥tatas in all honesty I think there is a lot more to most people love stories, marriages etc., not just those that are locked up. I will say this I have seen all types and read about even more. There was a story a few years back that talked about couples living in separate houses and they actually “appeared” happier than those under the same roof. I just feel that human beings are complex walking contradictions and you never know the whole truth and nothing but the truth about them due to all the pompous

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
9:39 am

I am just saying that you can’t give one way but expect another way in return without the understanding of your mate

Raqi – I love how you put this. I think the one problem I have with being traditional is having to work. If I’m brining home the bacon too, you should be pulling your weight on the domestic front. But many men claim they want a traditional woman, but then putting the burden of the responsibilities onto the woman.

Professor

May 27th, 2009
9:42 am

@ARed…I concur

If I’m brining home the bacon too, you should be pulling your weight on the domestic front.

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
9:43 am

if a man said you could sit back and not work, would you do it?

EPO – I’d do it in a heartbeat. But I came from a household with a stay at home mom. i especially want to do it if we had kids. It annoys me a bit how folks have kids and then no one is willing to stick around and raise them.

But no, he can’t have other women on the side. What kind of ish is that?! He’s providing for his family, he doesn’t get a pass for doing what he is supposed to do. I’m at home, but I’m pulling my weight as well and managing the household, him and the kids.

MissQC

May 27th, 2009
9:44 am

Morning Bloggers…….have a great day ;;)

http://www.blackthen.com

kimmie

May 27th, 2009
9:45 am

Kym – Yeah, I did not understand the “dating seriously” issue in the topic. I meam, it is what it is. I consider me & SO dating seriously, leading to marriage. We spend almost every weekend with each other and see each other a few times during the week, especially at choi kwang do. He has his house with his kids and I have my own home. Until we decide to marry and join households, that’s how it will remain. We don’t have to “shack” to prove our commitment to each other.

Amred – If your relationship is secure with new boo, a day or 2 of “me” time should not be a big deal! In fact, it’s required!!LOL!!

Dan

May 27th, 2009
9:48 am

@My2

I appreciate the advice too. I mean, learning how and learning to love cooking is best thing I’ve gotten from it. But being self-sufficient in that regard is comforting.

By no means though do I expect to have to work, cook, clean and all that just because I can (I realize that wasn’t your point), but there are ladies out here that don’t iron (shocked me), don’t know how to iron, clean, cook, etc. And I hear these things on dates – and me being me- the women are never at a loss as to why there isn’t a second date.

As has been stated, it’s about the agreement between the two parties; but man, it is hard finding a woman that can deal on that level.

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
9:48 am

Amred – If your relationship is secure with new boo, a day or 2 of “me” time should not be a big deal! In fact, it’s required!!LOL!!

kimmie – It’s just funny the way it comes out. No I’d rather not spend time with you today because I’d rather watch my DVR. :lol: I know I might give the :???: if someone told me that! (though I’d ultimately understand. :lol: )

Sassy Me....Cocoa cure :-)

May 27th, 2009
9:49 am

So my question here is for all the “I can/want/will have my own women… if a man said you could sit back and not work, would you do it? And if so what is the limit of your man’s requirements/expectations that you could live with? ( pre-nup?, cooking, cleaning, sexual expectations, spending limits, etc. oh yeah, and what if he had other women on the side but kept you happy at home???)

East perrnt If I had a man to tell me that I wouldn’t accept it b/c Iv’e always worked and had my own PLUS if I was at home all day what would I be doing….besides go crazy. Maybe if there was some kind of extenuating circumstance like an illness or school then that would be different. As for other women on the side, uh hellz naw bruh. I am a one man woman and I expect that in return.

On topic: Me being the person that I am, I’ve done the a la carte thing before(to an extent) b/c I want to be/feel independent of my SO but still be treated like a lady/woman in the traditional sense of our relationship. Sometimes when two people get together one person loses themselves and morphs into whomever they THINK the other person wants them to be and in the end they become bitter and disillusioned when things don’t work out. I still think people will do what works for them even if it looks weird to those who are on the outside looking in…..now-a-days there just seems to be alot of different labels for the same “repackaged” situation.

Melo

May 27th, 2009
9:54 am

Either these hubbys are using that time to cheat, or they are spineless dudes who do not realize what their wives are capable of doing when they are out drinking. I have seen these married women acting very single in the clubs

U know what EPO, i have seen that oftentimes and i used to think its an african american tradition.Guess, i am learning evryday!! U are afr/american urself,right EPO?
Thanx for that insight.
Uall know where i stand,unaplogetic Traditionalist with a capital T.Evething runs thru ME! I am CEO/Executive chairman combo.
Open marriage.. LMAOF. :lol:
Who really has an open marriage that they are proud off and they go on a limp,publicly to say so and the marriage(if we can call it that) is successful??? Who??? :???: :roll: :lol:

mytw♥tatas

May 27th, 2009
9:55 am

Hey TAZ- I definitely think we get tunnel vision and forget to weigh the (emotional/mental) costs of being all over the place with what it’ll take to satisfy us. Then we’re still left wanting something more…

PROFESSOR I can rock with you on that. Whenever we’re out and we see what to outsiders may be a mismatched couple and somebody makes a negative comment, I’m thinkin: They ‘work’ for each other on some level we’re just not privvy to. Caveat – still can’t stand dude driving her car w/ sorority plates!

kimmie

May 27th, 2009
9:57 am

there are ladies out here that don’t iron (shocked me), don’t know how to iron, clean, cook, etc.

Dan – Men too.

Don’t be shocked. If the ladies are not being raised to be self-sufficient, it only stands that men are not either.

EVERYONE should be self-sufficient, traditional or not! At that has been since the beginning of time, not just MODERN times. Forget divorce, suppose you lose your spouse – or never get married in the first place?!

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
9:57 am

Caveat – still can’t stand dude driving her car w/ sorority plates!

:lol: That annoys me too.

Leggs

May 27th, 2009
9:57 am

Good morning. Excellent topic, Raqi. I personally do not believe in “open” relationships. That’s 2009’s version of FWB. I lean more toward the “traditional” relationship where the man is at the head and we lean on each other to strenghten the relationship. I complement him and he in turn complements me.

Professor

May 27th, 2009
9:58 am

@ Dan you are stepping on my toes regarding the ironing…LOL I was never good at it…in the past six years I have used that iron maybe twice.

Kym

May 27th, 2009
9:59 am

NO!!!! I could not give up working because the love of my life would take care of everything. I don’t know about some of you but I work and go to school because not only do I desire the cheddar and the knowledge needed to make more cheddar, but I really enjoy what I do. I don’t always like my co-workers and certainly there are classes that wear me the hell out. But I go because I truly love learning. I am a knowledge junkie. And the idea of sitting at home 24/7 would drive me ape shyt batty. For example, I love my son I could not imagine life without him. But when he turned six weeks old I was back at work. There is only so much convo you can have with a 6 week old and even now at 13 I have to an outlet. Working gives me that outlet. Everythang aint for everybody…not working is not for me.

Cemeeli

May 27th, 2009
10:02 am

Where’s Mr. PoppaG to tell me where the Howell Mill milkshake spot is….Let do this.

Hello everyone.

Who really has an open marriage that they are proud off and they go on a limp,publicly to say so and the marriage(if we can call it that) is successful???

You’ve said a mouthful already! So what! I agree…Melo. I’m just to tired to add to it.

I’m sooo tired this morning. The Cavs/Magic game went into overtime and I’m went into overkill this morning – I need sugar!!! :)

Professor

May 27th, 2009
10:03 am

Me too with the sorority plates…pet peeve to the fullest.

@ Melo I did not have a chance to post yesterday evening, but I do not mind making a trip to get my soul food plate at Walter’s. No, I do not eat with the women on the ave., but I do not have a problem occupying the same place with them if they are in line as well. My Daddy raised me not to look up to anyone or down on anyone, but to look everyone straight in the eye.

-W8©

May 27th, 2009
10:05 am

@East Point- I registered for your site. Let me know how I can contribute. I like the theme “hispointofview”

On Topic: You get it how you live it. I am a traditionalist, I’m that guy who if the woman didn’t want to work she doesnt have to…but yet that comes at a price she needs to maintain the household, not 24/7 nut the majority of the time. On the other hand if she wants to work that’s her decision, she is not obligated to..but there is none of that “i’ve alway’s got my own” stuff it’s “ours” and it works both ways because we both have our share of the burden to carry even though as a man mine is significantly higher than hers. In relationships there are bound to be disciplines that one is better than the other at. You just have to recognize each others strong attributes. Take me for an example, I can not budget for the life of me. I make money I’m never broke..I just cant budget…Usually women are great at that so I put that on her(if she can handle it), now that doesnt compromise my manhood, she is just better at it than I am. I notice sometimes while dating that the woman wants the everything man while she is not willing to be the everything woman. I see relationships like this. A man is supposed to be a covering, not a lid. Envision a can with a lid on it, there is no room for movement for the woman that is covered she is trapped. The man in the relationship should be more like an umbrella type covering. I am going to hold that umbrella up and keep myself dry, the woman has to chose if she wants to stand beside me and all that comes with it to be sheltered from the storm.

Dan

May 27th, 2009
10:05 am

@Kimmie

I know some guys that are completely useless. There are skills that they just never felt like the needed to know. Including one (good friend) that said: “that’s why God created women”.

@Prof

I can dig it. If it’s not a skill that you possess, I’m good with a woman wanting to learn.

The women I’m talking about think that drycleaning, eating out constantly, are the way to live. That combined with a high level of shopping screams “debt” to me. And I’m instantly turned off.

Lioness- Still on East Coast Time

May 27th, 2009
10:06 am

Good Morning All

Raqi- Interesting topic..

I don’t understand people who want to get married but then need time alone.. Living in seperate houses doesn’t make any sense to me. Why get married if you still want to live a single life? The person I marry WILL be the person I COMPLETELY love and WANT to spend the rest of my life with. When you feel that way about a person, “me time” consist of the two of you since you have a joint union. It is really critical that people choose their mate appropriately!

Traditional vs Modern.. I am somewhat of a traditional woman when it comes to my willingness to submit and knowing that everything doesn’t require an answer.. Basically, knowing my place in my relationship. Now, I don’t know how to sew.. lol! I can learn though :) Everything else comes like second nature to me..

EPO- if a man said you could sit back and not work, would you do it? Couldn’t do it for long..

Tazzee - it's my birthday week!

May 27th, 2009
10:10 am

The only way I could give up working is if I had a small child to care for, but as soon as that child was old enough to go to daycare, I would need at least a part-time job. And the only exchange for me staying at home would be that I would be taking care of his child full-time. All that other crap is a no-go, it would be the same as if I were working. Shoot, I’m his wife not his hired help.

THE INFAMOUS DK

May 27th, 2009
10:10 am

In todays society I think Marriage is out dated. I favor Committed Companionship over Marriage because it keeps everyone honest. I say that because at any given moment you can walk away. It keeps everyone on their best behavior as opposed to being married and knowing I got her/him now so I dont have to keep up the excitement. The I got papers on you menatlity sets in. “Youze mines Harpo and I’ll kill ya dead”.

AmazonRed™

May 27th, 2009
10:12 am

Open marriage.. LMAOF.
Who really has an open marriage that they are proud off and they go on a limp,publicly to say so and the marriage(if we can call it that) is successful??? Who???

:lol: :lol: :lol: LMAO.

kimmie

May 27th, 2009
10:12 am

W8 – Under my um-ber-ella, ella, ella! Deep!

Melo – I agree about the open marriage thing. They act like it’s so great and they got it all figured out in the beginning. Then ish falls completely apart! They are not built for long term! Somebody or both gonna get hurt!