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Nothing Left to Say

Today’s entry is courtesy of one of our wonderful, fabulous readers. I hope she doesn’t mind that I took her topic idea almost in it’s entirety! Check out what “Foots” had to say:

The things that made me love you are the things pushing me away now. – Nothing Left to Say (Mint Condition)

I believe that many desirable and undesirable qualities are flip sides of the same coin.  In their song, they speak of wonderful attentiveness becoming crazy possessiveness.  In my past, I dated a guy who I admired that he was such a good friend and concerned family member and that he kept in touch with his friends/family often.  But part of the reason we broke up was that we never had any time together because he was ALWAYS on the phone taking on other people’s problems.

Here are some others that I have read or seen before:

  • A friend of mine dated a woman and was impressed by her warmth and caring as a mother.  He broke it off because she spent all her time with her kids.
  • A dude dates a woman because she is so well put together and keeps her appearance up, but eventually he breaks it off because she spends too much time getting all dolled up.
  • A woman is impressed by how far up the corporate ladder her new man has gotten at his young age, but she finds out that it’s because he puts in so much time at the office and never has any time for her.
  • A person loves their new mate’s commitment to their faith, but gets frustrated and leaves because they won’t give up the lovin’.
  • Most men love soft, feminine women, but dislike the fact that she shows all of theses emotions.  But what else would they expect from a soft, feminine woman?
  • Some women prefer the strong, silent type…until they realize that the man never actually talks to them or expresses his feelings.
  • Some men love women who are organized with their life and finances, but they hate that I’m a “planner” type.  I’m trying to figure out how they think I could be so organized without my planner instinct.

So, now, not only do we have to deal with good and bad totally separate qualities that a mate may have (i.e. person may be responsible/dependable, but not terribly romantic), we also have to accept that qualities we love tend to always come with a flip side of the very thing that irritates us the most.

I can really relate to this, on both “sides of the coin”.  What drew me to a guy, was the very reason we ended up hitting the skids: confidence. Oh, confidence is cute in the beginning, but after a while it can be a bit too much.

What do you guys think? Have you experienced this in your relationships?

Is this an example of “careful what you wish for?” or are we a little clueless about relationships are about?

342 comments Add your comment

AmazonRed™

May 18th, 2009
8:51 am

Happy Monday all. Hope you had fun weekends!

Great topic Foots. I’ve been feeling that song lately for some reason.

This topic definitely has the potential of hitting home for me. A guy I’ve been out recently doesn’t have kids. But he’s the support system for his niece and nephew – he’ll be putting his nephew through school next year when he goes off to college. And we all know that college costs a pretty penny. His niece is still in elementary school, so he’ll be supporting her for a while. While I admire that in him, I do worry that taking care of kids that aren’t his will impact our relationship if we enter into one. Especially since it seems the kids fathers have no responsibility to their kids at all. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see…

Kym-Smile and wave..just smile and wave.

May 18th, 2009
9:02 am

I am thinking..and really I can’t think of one thing that I initially liked about a guy that made me later break it off with them. My son’s father made me laugh and we could talk for hours..we broke it off because he didn’t want to take a straighter path in life. One of my first loves was dedicated and a loving dad but I dropped ties because he would rather I be his best friend in and out of the sheets. I couldn’t do both. I file this topic under the “you knew the job was dangerous when you took it”. If a person is opinionated and you like that..why in the world would you expect different behavior two or three months down the line? If anything it is not the person who has the problem it is you. I don’t think we turn the mirror around enough and get to really know ourselves so that we learn what we can and can’t handle when it comes to personalities and relationships.

-W8©

May 18th, 2009
9:03 am

I guess it boils down to knowing what you can and you can not put up with in the beginning. It’s not the persons fault for being who they are at least they are consistent. Take the time to get to know the other person as much as you can to see if you can deal for the long ride…Have a good day wonderful people.

AmazonRed™ - Lakers rocked L.A. - LITERALLY!

May 18th, 2009
9:11 am

Steve Harvey made a good point in his book, about mama’s boys. It’s cute at first that he’s so committed and loving of his mother, but then when you realize mom comes first a woman gets mad and wants things to change.

If you set the standards and requirements of front, he’s going to have to find balance between the woman and his mother. I think that can also apply to other aspects in relationships that you love in a mate, but dont want them to go overboard with it.

Professor

May 18th, 2009
9:16 am

Great topic Foots!

I have been on both sides of the coin with this one. I have dated guys that claimed to be “proud” of my achievements and were my biggest cheerleaders, yet I felt like I was punched below the belt during disagreements when they talked about my career and achievements. I went through a phase of really downplaying my career because of that (it made a difference for the best in my dating).

Next, I have valued guys that communicate well, but now at the ripe age of 33 I realize that communicating well includes substantive communication and listening is KEY. Needless to say, I do want a “water sandwich” when it comes down to communication I want substance and listening.

Raqi...32 Days to ML

May 18th, 2009
9:26 am

I like ice cream. It is a very comforting choice when my days are just a little funky. But I wouldn’t want to have it every day at every meal. Heck I couldn’t have it every day for every meal.

Having to deal with something every now and then is totally different than having to deal with it on a regular basis, in every situation, at every corner you turn no matter how much you adore it or find it stimulating.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 18th, 2009
9:29 am

Godd Morning WD, Foots, all.

I cannot say that I have broken up with a lady because of these, but have had instances where that may have contributed.

Dated a lady who was very devoted to her children, church, and work (a teacher). I liked her caring spirit, but we could only see each other maybe twice a month because she was so programmed to put all of these first that there was ALWAYS a conflict. Another lady, overhearing my cell phone conversation with her told me, “you just con’t get it do you, if she was really into you she would find a way”. Harsh reality, hurt like a biotch to hear, but probably was right on the money.

Another lady I was involve with was a borderline nympho. It was great until we both realized we never talked anymore, just spent all of our time jumping each other’s bones. Eventually the relationship died because it became all about the sex, not the relationship. Both of us wanted more. (One side comment, sex ALWAYS changes the dynamics of a relationship. Once it is introduced into a relationship, it dominates the relationship).

Professor

May 18th, 2009
9:36 am

Raqi- Excellent point.

I guess there some truth to the old saying; “there is a time and a place for everything.” I guess during the early stages you need to find out if that person’s quality is his/her foundation and core, which truly defines their existence. (I don’t feel my accomplishments defines me, nor the car I drive), but men always comment on those things about me.

Fast forward, I have a very good friend and his wife left him after a few years of marriage due to his extensive involvement with the Church (no he is not a pastor). He is at Church doing something 5/7 days and all day Sunday and at least a ½ day on Saturday. She simply could not bear it any longer. A nod at this whole topic, they met at Church.

Leggs

May 18th, 2009
9:41 am

Good morning everyone!

Great topic, Foots! Yes, a particular trait that one liked about me in the beginning (independence) became a sore spot over time. One disagreement I remember in particular dealt around me hanging pictures. I had asked for his hand on 3 different occasions. When I realized he was taking too long I did it myself. When he visited me and saw I had hung the pictures he became sullen saying I don’t need a man if I can’t wait until he’s able to carry out what he said he would do. Ok, he had a point (albeit a small one at that time). His “waiting time” and mine always clashed so my independence (as he called it) ended the relationship.

Melo

May 18th, 2009
9:49 am

Great topic Footsie! Hie everybody!

I agree with what others have said.U have to know urself and what u can tolerate and what u cannot,for the long haul.
When i introduced my girlfriend to one of my grannies,she asked if she knew that Tee had a trailer load of people looking up to me for support.Granny was warning her of my family obligations/responsibilitues.If she wanted to bail out,this was her opportunity to do so.I do care for my family greatly and their welfare.I was the 1st to go to college in my family and that meant a great deal.
If u are true to urslef and what u are seeking,u go into/out of the relationship with a clear conscience.
Have a good day all.

Raqi...32 Days to ML

May 18th, 2009
9:49 am

Professor I am very familiar with this subject.
I love guys that are bundles of information. Useful information. Something the men that I actually entertained relationships with had in common. However those same types tend to be know-it-alls. They are never wrong as far as they are concerned. Why? Because they know everything.

I have never been for a guy that is a “challenger”. You know the type…“He challenges my mind”. Yeah give me a guy that keeps it lively and keeps me thinkin.g, but a challenger? Nah. Those types will be forever opposing and disputing any opinion that you have on anything.

The laid-back type? Usually evolves into lack-luster and nonchalant.

You are right, a time and a place for everything. But no one can escape the faults of any one that we choose to make a part of our lives. We have to know what we can and cannot live with.

Be careful what you ask for.

Kym-Smile and wave..just smile and wave.

May 18th, 2009
9:55 am

@Leggs you know that is really lack of communication. If I ask a person to do something for me I am going to set a timeframe for it to be done. For example those pictures. If you called him on Saturday and said can you come over this afternoon and hang a few pictures for me and he says yes but does not show up until Sunday. You can rest assured the pictures were hung on Saturday. Why? Because I clearly asked you to come this afternoon you said yes..and didn’t show. Now if I asked when you get a chance can you stop by and hang these pictures that’s different..his chance to stop by and my expectation of the work getting done are off balance.

Cemeeli

May 18th, 2009
9:56 am

morning –

“careful what you wish for?”

I don’t think most of us know what we want in mate, until we encounter what we DON’T want in a mate. The results of having experienced that helped me realize my desires and needs, from a mate. It is obtainable, and I realize the needs, the wants, the quirks, irritants, and unfavorable qualities are a two edge sword. This circles back to “compromising” for that, which you most desire.

Foots still has both her feet!!! :) Good topic.

Raqi...32 Days to ML

May 18th, 2009
9:57 am

Ok, he had a point

Leggs I don’t think so. How long did he expect you to wait? Heck I would have not even asked a third time. If he calls that being too independent…

Raqi...32 Days to ML

May 18th, 2009
10:00 am

Like WiseDiva mentioned the guy with confidence…

We often mistake arrogance as confidence in the beginning, until it starts to get on our last dang nerves and then we see it for what it is.

M'

May 18th, 2009
10:01 am

Interesting topic…and yes, it does sometimes seems as if the initial attributes that we find ourselves attracted to in a person can also become the bane of our attraction when they expose themselves as “obsessive” behaviors…there is no balance there…and I believe that balance is the key.

Professor

May 18th, 2009
10:02 am

@Raqi- You are so on point with your description. I cannot deal with the challenger type. I guess I need to put a caveat in when I start asking for the qualities I want in a mate…LOL

@Melo- How did your girlfriend take Granny’s warning? Did she shake it off…did it concern her…how did it work out?

SlimDiva

May 18th, 2009
10:11 am

Good morning everyone!

I can certainly relate to this. The man I am currently dating is committed to this children (the adults and minors). Because of this we don’t get an opportunity to spend a lot of time with each other. However, when we are together it’s quality time…and worth every moment. Yet, I want more time. We have discussed this numerous times, but I don’t think he is comprehending. I have compromised in more ways than one. I have decided to make my own plans for the summer, and if he’s available to join me, it’s cool. If not, it’s still cool because I have to keep living and enjoy life to the fullest.

Melo

May 18th, 2009
10:14 am

@Melo- How did your girlfriend take Granny’s warning? Did she shake it off…did it concern her…how did it work out?

“M” shes Queen now.She didnt want to shake off this zuluness!

Leggs

May 18th, 2009
10:15 am

@Kym, I too chalked it up to lack of communication, but he didn’t see it that way.

@Raqi, I say he had a point because that was what he believed. I decided not to argue over what he felt was “independence” as opposed to what I thought was “common courtesy.” Do what you say you’re going to do. Weeks shouldn’t have to go by after the initial date you offered to assist.

Leggs

May 18th, 2009
10:16 am

@Professor, I was wondering if that girlfriend became Queen when I read that. What happened Melo?

SexyCool

May 18th, 2009
10:24 am

Great topic idea, Foots

The antithesis of the topic – The things you did to get me are the things you need to do to keep me.

Today’s topic is about what happens when what you did to get me is getting in the way. The opposite is when what you did to get me stops happening.

Three Words Daily – Get regular exercise.

Melo

May 18th, 2009
10:28 am

Hey Leggs!!! When u are a first born child in the family,some of these responsibilites come with the territory.Thats esp. true in african families in general.
But a person born in a more wealthy family(my Queen) may not have seen it the same way becoz those types generally depend on the mom and dad resources than they do on a sibling who has made it.It was good that my Granny was kinda of conscientizing her to my fam set-up so as to ward off potential issues down the road.

-W8©

May 18th, 2009
10:36 am

@SexyCool’s antithesis- Big thing for me is when women put up that initial front then change up when they feel they’ve got you..but there’s always a “reason”

kimmie

May 18th, 2009
10:39 am

Morning Blog Fam. Hope errbody had a good weekend!

Fabulous topic Foots!

Yeah, the stuff that you find “cute” in the beginning can get on your last nerve down the line. I dated 2 mama’s boys that took it to another level. One very important lesson I learned out of those 2 experiences is that just because a guy treats his mother well does not necessarily mean he’ll do the same for you. I know plenty dogs that adore their mothers!

Melo – Great lesson your example gives is know what you are getting into and pray you find out early. Eases problems down the road. Also, you found out what “potential Queen” was really made of! Great for you!

If a person is married to their job while dating, no need to complain later on down the line when you marry. You knew going in what you were getting into.

NY2GA, Inc.

May 18th, 2009
10:47 am

Timely topic. I’m dealing with this right now as well. The guy that I am talking to has so many great qualities. He is a nice man. However, his competing priorities have left little time for us. In between taking care of his child, his master’s programs(that’s right I did say programS), his 9-5 and his side business…well…we’re going downhill without a paddle. I am supportive and undertstanding of what he has on his plate. But, if a relationship is not nurtured, it dies. Ours is dying.

Raqi...32 Days to ML

May 18th, 2009
10:54 am

W-Eight Sometimes it is not a front or change, but selective viewing on the on lookers part. Sometimes we meet people and are so overtaken by one thing or characteristic that we blind ourselves to the obvious. We are mesmerized. Then once we see clearly we sometimes feel that we were mislead when it was there all the time.

I have a scar on my belly. One day while hanging out at the house my now husband pointed out the scar and touched it in surprise. It is a scar that I got as a child and it’s been there forever. I told him he had touched with his hand and/or lips several times. He was not even aware because that is not where his attention was focused. Once his focus became clear he saw it. It was always there.

For me to mask it in makeup would have been a front. For me to have obtained it since our last time together would have been a change. But it was there the whole time. His focus was elsewhere.

Leggs

May 18th, 2009
10:58 am

As is the case with many things, if it’s not nutured it eventually dies away. Feelings cease to exist. The level of understanding is quickly diminished. The heart hardens, you’re more nonchalant about the relationship and no longer care if it survives or not. You have lost interest in helping the relationship thrive. Then, it’s time to acknowledge it and peacefully end the relationship giving room for new, hopefully more fulfilling experiences.

-W8©

May 18th, 2009
10:59 am

@Raqi-you and I are talking about two different scenario’s

kimmie

May 18th, 2009
11:03 am

Sometimes we meet people and are so overtaken by one thing or characteristic that we blind ourselves to the obvious.

Raqi – You are so right about this.

NYGA – That’s a tough spot to be in and I’ve been there. Sometimes it is truly a timing issue, other times you say to yourself that that person would make the time to be with you if they put forth the effort. Hope he does not wait too long and wake up and see he lost a good thing!

Sassy Me....Mmm, mmm, good :-)

May 18th, 2009
11:03 am

Good morning guys…….it’s Monday already…dayum

I can related to todays’s topic b/c my ex had the opposite personality that I have. Where as I can be aggressive AND assertive(there is a difference),straight forward,attentive and somany other things he is the opposite and at first it was cool b/c it “balanced out”. Further down the line it became obstacles in our relationship b/c I realized that he was a soft mama’s boy who had to almost constantly to be told what to do and wasn’t always communicative. Anywho, that was just one of the nails in the coffin that lead to the ultimate demise of the relationship.

Off topic: I am in such a funk today and I feel kickin’ my ex and a whole lot of other people in the knee caps!!!

Professor

May 18th, 2009
11:04 am

As I think about this topic I also think about Goffman, who talks about front/back stage behavior. I am not a sociologist so if we have any on the blog please step in, but I really feel that during the getting to know you stage a lot of people give you the “front stage” they are dressed and telling you what is pleasant and easy. After time moves on you get a “peep” at the “back stage,” thus revealing the real person without all the props.

@W8 – personally I always think of Goffman when a man does XYZ to get me, and once he has me he stops, and starts beginning himself. At that point I chalk it up as seeing the “play” behind the scene. If I can roll with it I stay, if the contrast is too great I throw up the deuces.

Raqi...32 Days to ML

May 18th, 2009
11:06 am

W-Eight No we are not. I just used an actual physical example to make my point.

Yes people sometimes front and/or change. But sometimes they don’t. Sometimes that thing is there the whole time but we don’t see it because our focus is else where. I would compare that to the laid back dude. I dated a laid-back guy. It was nice at first because he was not difficult to deal with. He was not confrontational. He was just you know easy going. I had to kids at the time so that was a good thing. Turned out the guy was just lazy. Didn’t really give a damn about anything.

I was so enamored by the fact that he was just easy and did put up too much of a fuss, I totally missed he was just lazy. He didn’t change. I just missed it.

Leggs

May 18th, 2009
11:09 am

@Professor, there’s plenty of talk on this blog about the “representative” showing up for the first 3 months or so and then the “real” you surfaces. Not in all relationships but in quite a few of them.

M'

May 18th, 2009
11:12 am

@Professo

Wow…Irving (or Erving) Goffman…love his work on “Deference and Demeanor”….assymetrical and symmetrical communication paradigms of exchange that either eliminate or reinforce “superordinate” and “subordinate” caste in communicated behaviors and attitudes.

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

May 18th, 2009
11:13 am

W8…I agree with you. The one thing any guy who has date dme can say is that I am consistent with my antics! :lol: Some may evn call me stubborn because I am not persuaable. Once I have my mind set there is no convincing me…but if you continue to try you will only p*ss me off! I think people have these new expectations once you become committed. Then a new bunch of expectations if you get married. I hear people say well now that I am in a relationship…or now that I am married I have to change this. Usually it’s the woman who thinks this more so. I think you should continue to be who you are. After all…if the person is with you…they should love the person you ARE not who they think thay can mold you into. Women take the men they think they can fix up to be their perfect man. If he was a work-a-holic before you…what makes you think he will stop now? You are asking somebody to change their life as they know it for you…and be happy about it. Could they do it…..sure! They could also resent you for it. I will not change any aspect of my life for a guy.. He has to know I am a busy woman…an ambitious woman who will work relentlessly to get where I am trying to be. And I will not slack off because he is in my life. He can either join in and support me as I would do for him in his career…or keep it moving. I personally will not date a man who is not as ambitious as I am or more. He doesn’t have to be where he wants to be in life right now…but he had better be hard at work trying to get there. I am not the clingy woman who needs QT. Business is first with me…handle it…and we can link up after it’s done. Also I am not a very affectionate mushy girl. So don’t think I will change because you want me too! I have stopped trying to make a guy be the right guy. I tell you what I like and do like and will or won’t accept. If you do things that I won’t accept. I will not try to change that. I will simply leave you be….because that is who you really are. It doesn’t make you a bad person…just not the right one for me.

RAQI..are you having Chunky Monkey for breakfast? :lol:

RANDY… “(One side comment, sex ALWAYS changes the dynamics of a relationship. Once it is introduced into a relationship, it dominates the relationship)” So very true my man. That is why I am celibate…and if I were to get into a relationship. I would hold off on sex until we are over the honeymoon stage. If he can’t except that….he is not right for me.

LEGGS..he was a loser anyway! He thinks you are just supposed to wait around fro when he is ready to do something? Come on! There is nothign wrong with you that you could not do it yourself. And if he felt like you were too independent for it…then be glad you are not with him. He needs to get his Man-ties (man panties/punk panties) out of a bunch! I hate asking anybody to do something for me. I do it myself…or pay somebody to do it because I know if I do it…it gets done and gets done right w/o all the BS!

Kym-Smile and wave..just smile and wave.

May 18th, 2009
11:14 am

@NYC sorry things are not going well..but didnt this guy have all that going on when you met him? So what exactly are you looking for? Because if he is giving you all the time he has alotted for a relationship in his life at this present time, and that is not enough for you then why was it enough at the start?

Professor

May 18th, 2009
11:14 am

@ Kimmie you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned timing. I do believe timing is everything especially as it relates to NY situation. There is a line from a Faith Evans song that states “I can’t believe that you chose me when I was choosing you.” I always think of timing when I hear that line.

-W8©

May 18th, 2009
11:15 am

@Professor I agree with you just from a man’s point of view.
@Raqi- How can I tell you that we are talking about two different things even though you used a physical example? I fully know what I was talking about and stated “that we are talking about two different things” I think I know what I think better than anyone..now if there was a breakdown in my relaying those thoughts to the board…I could understand that.:)

Professor

May 18th, 2009
11:16 am

Thanks M I could not remember his first name. The funny thing is I always think about his theories. Were you a Sociology major?

Professor

May 18th, 2009
11:19 am

@Leggs you are right I have those times when the rep shows up for 3-6 months…LOL.

Cemeeli

May 18th, 2009
11:25 am

the getting to know you stage a lot of people give you the “front stage” they are dressed and telling you what is pleasant and easy. After time moves on you get a “peep” at the “back stage,”

Professor & W8 – There’s usually a long road before you get pass the “representative”. And then getting through a person’s shell or “cosmetic behavior” you have to do some filtering. We all like the flattery, and raft of what makes us feel good, smell good, and sounds good. But after the “facade” we need to be observant and wait…Time is a precious commodity, we all know this but when you are about to invest your time in a relationship/dating, the only way you’ll know if that person is not a scytsophrenic or bi-polar is by….waiting and observing.

M'

May 18th, 2009
11:25 am

<strong.@Professor

I created a Sociology-Anthopology major when I was at Agnes Scott…a combination of social history, social culture and cultural anthropology…Goffman is one of my favorite Sociologist’s…I have used his piece often when writing about caste culture systems in communication.

Leggs

May 18th, 2009
11:26 am

“Man-ties (man panties/punk panties)” :lol: :lol:

-W8©

May 18th, 2009
11:32 am

@Cee- Thats why I observe for atleast a year…dating you through every season..do you get cold- in the winter, do you spring in the spring, are you to hot in the summer do you fall in the fall..lol

@ Staceye-Ms Mamba- I applaud that response. I am the same way when it comes to women I am who I am, short comings and all. I also state that she just needs to be who she is don’t try and be all extra coming out of your “shot group” trying to be someone who you arent just to appeal to me..because the truth will eventually come out..you can look at this on a physical level ****you meet me at the gym and find out i go everyday so for the next few months you step your game up because you THINK that is what I might like(in reality if you are comfortable with yourself i am comfortable with you)…but once we get together you just fall off..deception**** spiritual level*** I meet you in Church you start coming more and we start praying together..your heart isn’t in it you are just trying to impress me*** business level***I’m making moves you show interest I help you get on path but you let things fall by the wayside because it’s not your passion but yet you talk and showed a good game***intimate level***all the little freaky things to get me open…once we are there you pull back…lol*** random***she’s wearing fake nails and weaves and push up bra’s….that aint the real you woman just let it hang…lol

Professor

May 18th, 2009
11:33 am

M’ Sociology-Anthopology IMPRESSIVE. I enjoyed the caste culture systems as well, although all of my formal education has been centered on business/human resources (I don’t think about my education degree) I really enjoyed Sociology.

Beautiful

May 18th, 2009
11:35 am

good morning Professor, Amazon, Foots!

hi ev1. can we get a repeat of this past w/e? lol. it was a good one!

someone told me about a week ago that i’m a smart chick but not about men. i agree and you know what? life is better that way. i do not question their weird behavior. i do on here, because of course this is a forum. it is what it is. if a guy wants to run because she is caring blah blah blah, i take it that he is just not ready for what she has to offer.

when he gets a lil more mature, he’ll come back around. and the best age for a man to get married is starting at 35 yrs. old.

Cemeeli

May 18th, 2009
11:36 am

Dag!

There’s no “lurker” that has posted some’n crazy about dating a Ivy League girl, that turned out to be the daiper wearing astrounaut chic?

mytw♥cents

May 18th, 2009
11:40 am

Confucius say: Balance is the key, gwasshoppa.

RAQI There are people who’ve known me for 20+ years that accuse me of penciling in a Marilyn Monroe mole every single time I see em. I’m fairly consistent overall, but come on!

-W8©

May 18th, 2009
11:43 am

@M/Professor- NIce minds!!!

@Cee- you are funny..lol