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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

The Question

Today’s guest blogger is a buddy of mine, “The Fly Guy“. When he isn’t jet setting to Los Angeles or New York interviewing celebrities, the man actually finds the time to date! Check out what happened on one of his recent dating misadventures:

I couldn’t have planned our first date any better. The ambiance was nice, the food was outstanding, and our conversation seemed to strike a perfect flirty/innocent balance. In other words, we were really enjoying each other’s company … that is until she asked me “the question.”

“So Mr. Fly Guy, why are you single?”

As the words left her lips, my body began to cringe—almost in the same way that one would cringe if they heard fingernails scrapping across a chalkboard, or Paula Abdul singing the acappella version of “Opposites Attract.”

Now some may wonder why I would be so up in arms about such an innocent question. After all, she was probably just asking as a way to express interest, right? Maybe.

At face value, I have no problem with her inquiry. But it’s the underlying question that needs to be addressed. What she really wanted to ask was, “So what’s wrong with you? There aren’t many good men out here, so you must be crazy, married, or a combination of both.” And I guess she had every right to ask whatever she wanted, but let’s be serious for a moment. What did she really expect me to say?

“I’m single because I was locked up for two years after beating up my girlfriend for giving me four incurable STDs and bad credit.”

I wonder if that was the answer she was searching for?

In all honesty, I just haven’t met the woman who has moved my heart to the point of wanting to give my all long term. Short of that, I’m not interested in wasting anyone’s time with discussions of settling down if my heart isn’t genuinely there. I’m not an escaped felon, nor am I a guy who secretly runs the Color Me Badd Fan Club (that might actually be less forgivable than a criminal record.) I’m just a guy who’s comfortable in my own skin, and who’s perfectly fine with being single until the right woman comes along.

So to the women of my future; the next time we’re out on a date, and you feel the burning desire to ask me “so why are you single,” just know that there are far better ways to get to know more about me than trying to uncover what brought me to this moment in time with you. Just know that I’m here, and I’m focused on us enjoying our time together. Why can’t you do the same?

I think we’ve all been there before, Fly Guy!  It’s interesting how a single man who seems to have it together is questioned on why he isn’t in a relationship. Ladies, do you ask this question when you meet men?

I get asked this annoying question by co-workers. What is it that they want to hear, exactly? Has anyone ever asked you “the question” on a date? How do you handle the question about your single status?

Have you ever been hanging out somewhere or on a date and was asked really outrageous or random questions? What did you do?

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

368 comments Add your comment

Mo (aka Moeisha- looking for a new haircut)

May 13th, 2009
10:37 am

Morning All!

I remember meeting a dude when I was 25/26 that told me I was selfish because I didnt have any kids. Now mind you he had 2 kids, 2 baby mamas…..but I was the selfish one! And I was tired of hearing that I had perfect “baby-making hips”…who the h3ll came up with that anyway. I agree with whomever said that marriage & kids is not part of everyones dream.

-W8 (the not so new guy)

May 13th, 2009
10:39 am

I get asked that question often and My dumbass always took it as a compliment…I didn’t know I was wrong. I was married for 9 years and have been divorced for 7 now at the age of 36 I dont have time for casual dating nor casual sex.(funny when you develop a conscious). I just don’t have time to waste on someone who is not “wife material”. Not that I start off the rip with a million questions for the woman but I’m always watching observing looking for certain qualities, but of course friends first..Now I have my eye on someone and we had the conversation, because we are getting along really well, I was like “Hey, I like where this is going as friends, but I am not trying to get stuck in the friend zone”..things are working out great..been casual friends for about 2 years now and I guess things are just lining up for the both of us now..(I’m rambling..lol..thinking of her just makes me happy..I’m out)

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 13th, 2009
10:43 am

Hey Mo…your post reminds me again that some men want to “father” kids (as an expression of their virility I guess), but have no desire to be a “father” which is different from a “sperm donor”. Sad, because my children are, have been, and will always be the number one priority in my life. I grew up without a father (mine died when I was 7, but he was wonderful until then), and I decided many years ago that I will be dayumed if my children would grow up without a real father.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 13th, 2009
10:48 am

@Mo…I guess what I am trying to say is “fathering” kids does not make one a “father”. No way, no how.

kimmie

May 13th, 2009
10:48 am

Melo – There is a classy way to get answers to anything you want to know. Interrogating someone and making them feel uncomfortable, like they are hooked up to a polygraph is not the way to go. I have nothing to hide, but I’ve been questioned so intrusively by some people that I was made to feel very uncomfortable. I’m a pretty upfront person and I’ll let you know basic facts about me early and on a need to know basis. In every “relationship” I’ve been in that was about something, the conversation flowwed freely and there was no interrogation. Anything pertinent that needed answering was addressed. I found that those who interrogate the most had more to hide themselves than me. And I was never wrong in those instances. The need to question someone to death usually reveals ones own insecurities.

Chill and let it flow naturally. If a person is “posing” or hiding something, it will always be revealed.

DasVenus

May 13th, 2009
10:49 am

i dont think all rear-viewing is a bad thing. there are some things that i learned about myself, things that needed to be addressed before another longterm would be good move. when hit with that question i see it as an opportunity to let the other person know just how well i know myself and that i love myself through and through…. the good, the bad and the ugly. his choice to join the fanclub.

Poppa Grande

May 13th, 2009
10:50 am

Good Morning…

I’ve never asked the question because I felt that I usually wouldn’t get the truth in the first place. No female is gonna say that “I’m single because I am a clingy ultra possessive psycho chick.” or “I’m single because I’m so caught up in finding a guy that doesn’t cheat on me”.

Lookin’ back, I never asked the question because I didn’t care. As long as she didn’t have a ring on it, she was fair game and it was up to her to nip it in the bud if she had a man. If she is being receptive to my overtures then something must be missing.

As LL Cool J said in “Hey Lover”, “if the love is real, then it can handle competition”.

I was young and full of confidence back in those days. I still have the confidence.

Kym-It's Like That And That's The Way It Is!

May 13th, 2009
10:54 am

Other Random Questions for Funny and Amusement

So how much money can you make on Lemonade Tycoon?

Do you put your toenail clippings in a napkin or just let them randomly fly all over?

Toliet seat. Up or Down?

Fries or Tots? (great now I am going to want food from the Vortex all day)

Mo (aka Moeisha- looking for a new haircut)

May 13th, 2009
10:56 am

RandyT – now mind you I was 25/26 and he was younger than me by at least 2 years! But you are right, just because you ‘fathered’ kids it doesnt make you a father.

kimmie

May 13th, 2009
10:59 am

One of my good friends met a guy, major in the Army at 35 and has 2 kids. They met on match.com I think, and things seemed to be going great. She said she asked him the “why r u single” question and his answer was like Fly Guy’s – just had not found the right one yet. Considered marrying his babys mama especially after they had 2 kids, but things just didn’t work out.

This was not enough of an explanation for my friend. She said she still just could not understand why he was single! I finally told her she was looking for trouble! If he has issues, getting to know him will reveal those issues. I also pointed out to her that she is 36 and been divorced for 7 years. Why is SHE still single? She just looked crazy.

Melo

May 13th, 2009
11:00 am

Interrogating,introsive,non classy(classy),question someone to death etc

Kimmie u are projecting ur own dimensions/experiences to the original blog discussion.Nobody is talking about the interrogation u talking about there.
We are at a 2sme dinner,u and myself and enjoying our food.
Melo: Kimmie,dating has been kinda hard for me u know with this job and the demands for the past 3 years,hws ur experience,why are u still single Kimmie?

Kimme: Now Melo, so u think im single coz of what,ha, u tell me(Kimmie pulling off her wigg)
Melo: No Kimmie,clam down, i dont mean to scare u off, im just saying..(melo holding his mouth and shaking his head!!! :)

U are cringing there Kimmie, coz its u who is looking inward and apparently,u dont like ur trail.If open about it,ur freer.
There is no interrogation here unless ofcourse u explaining ur prior experiences.
But the blog topic is clear.U get asked the qstion,u do the same coz u all want to know.

Melo

May 13th, 2009
11:01 am

Raqi...38 Days to ML

May 13th, 2009
11:02 am

SexyCool I was looking at sundresses in Macy’s last night. Trying to find some for the late summer months.

Also off topic: I was reading the entry over in ChaPan yesterday and they were talking about folks you don’t want to see in the buff. Last night while in Walmart I saw the Benjamin Button dvd with Brad P on it and immediately thought if there is a love scene in there with him I do not want to see that movie. That guy is so unsexy. Just imagining him in that sense is just…ewww.

Poppa Grande

May 13th, 2009
11:05 am

Kym

Here is another question to add to your list:

Paper or plastic?

Who knows? It may tell you if he’s a treehugger or not.

Cougar Hunter ( My, My, My)

May 13th, 2009
11:05 am

It would seem that so many people struggle to have a good conversation with-out immediately asking some dump questions! Like why don’t you have kids yet and you are only 25yrs old! WTH is that! :evil:

I guess not having two parents in the home is really killing the AA community so much so that men are asking single women why they do not have kids yet! This lack of intelligence about what constitute a family in our community is downright depressing!

Sassy,Sassy,Sassy! :wink:

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 13th, 2009
11:05 am

Yeah, I know, Mo…I went to the University of Tennessee, and really liked Travis Henry when he played football there, but what is wrong with this picture (from Wikipedia)

“Family
Travis has been married once, at age 18; the marriage was later annulled. He is currently engaged. Henry has fathered at least eleven children among ten women.

Henry has had on-going problems making his child support payments to the mothers of his 9 children. He was arrested in Polk County, Florida in March 2009 and charged with failing to pay $16,600 in child support[12]. His lawyer estimates that he is obligated to pay at least $170,000 per year in child support payments.[10] According to ESPN’s “Outside the Lines,” Henry is currently in jail for failure to pay child support”.

He may be a football player, but a father…I don’t think so anyway.

kimmie

May 13th, 2009
11:06 am

Melo – It ain’t that deep, but when I read your 10:37 it felt like interrogation – “You BETTER answer these questions I’m asking, being COY means you’re HIDING SOMETHING!”LOL!!

Your little skit is cute, but I would just laugh at you & tell you to kiss my junk trunk!LOL!! Ya see, at this age and even younger, I have that confidence. No sweat!LOL!!

Everyone projects their own dimensions/experiences on the blog, I thought.

East Point's Own

May 13th, 2009
11:07 am

Asking : “Are you single” is always a valid question because we all know that people date whether they are single or not… and yes some folks will lie, but if you don’t ask then you can’t get upset really when you find out that they are married/involved.

But certain question as many people said are just off a standard list and completely impersonal, such as “why are you single” or “why did your last relationship end?” anybody worth their salt already has a preprogrammed answer to those questions so you are not really getting to see how they react to questions. As Fly Guy said nobody is going to give an answer that makes them seem unappealing so why even ask questions where the person answering is always going to try to make themselves look good. If you are enjoying this person’s company and you date again eventually it will all come to the surface. If you don’t see the person again then why clutter your brain with their silly responses?

I am not a question asker while dating… I would rather learn through natural conversations and observations while we spend time together. Question and answer sessions to me are just annoying.

DasVenus

May 13th, 2009
11:07 am

wassup, Melo?! see you still holding things down. came online cause M’K had hollered for me… ive been remiss in calling her back. i have a down day here at work so i thought i hang around and see if she came through.

whats new with you?? whats new here on the blog??

kimmie

May 13th, 2009
11:08 am

Cougar – Your 11:05 – that is SO what I have issues with, when folks ask me about kids before they even inquire if I’m married! Backwards – putting the cart before the horse!

Kym-It's Like That And That's The Way It Is!

May 13th, 2009
11:09 am

170,000 ..could be worse he could be paying what Willie Gary pays. What is it like 200k plus a year for the twins with his mistress?

LIONESS

May 13th, 2009
11:10 am

EPO- I am not a question asker while dating… I would rather learn through natural conversations and observations while we spend time together. Question and answer sessions to me are just annoying.

I agree 1000%

kimmie

May 13th, 2009
11:10 am

I am not a question asker while dating… I would rather learn through natural conversations and observations while we spend time together. Question and answer sessions to me are just annoying.

EPO – I agree, I am the same way.

Raqi...38 Days to ML

May 13th, 2009
11:10 am

Who knows? It may tell you if he’s a treehugger or not

Poppa you are actually right. There is a lot that you can tell about a person just knowing certain things about them. And it could be things that some do not pay much attention to, but it could tell a life time of storys about them.

DasVenus

May 13th, 2009
11:12 am

OK… Professor… heres my rear-viewing: ‘you just say what you like, as long as we say goodbye…. blame it on me, say its my fault, say imma a liar a cheater that i broke your heart, i really don’t care, say what you want… just as long as we say goodbye’. real answer to the question as to why i am not in a relationship: cause i havent met anyone whose worth having me in their life. seriously.

Kym-It's Like That And That's The Way It Is!

May 13th, 2009
11:14 am

@PoppaG that is a good one.

What are you doing to reduce your carbon footprint?

Melo

May 13th, 2009
11:14 am

being COY means you’re HIDING SOMETHING!”LOL!!

U are a manager at ur job.When an employee tells u they are waaay late coz of blah,blah,blah dont u,as the manager have ur own opinion of what may have happenned even after they have left,based on ur knwoledge of the employee,mannersim when they spoke to u,history etc??
Same thing here.
A simple qstion like “why u still single” will make some cringe,others just waffle their way attempting to answer and yet others seem offended by it…..
Its up to ur date to evaluate…..that was my point,no interrogation but i still have an opinion.

LIONESS- Desperation is a BIYATCH!

May 13th, 2009
11:14 am

Dating is not hard at all and I not sure why people put so much thought into.. Asking a million unnecessary questions like they are about to marry each other.. It is a date.. Goodness

anonymousella

May 13th, 2009
11:14 am

@raqi Would you rather they ask why are you still single or Do ever want/plan to get married?

i’d rather he asked “Do ever want/plan to get married?” if that’s what you’re looking for. even “are you single by choice or circumstance?” is a better way to ask the question than “why are you still single?”

plus “why are you single?” is a bit of a silly question when asked by someone who is also single. the answer is always some variation on “because things didn’t work out that way,” isn’t it?

i mean, if you are still single and child-free at 33 and don’t think something is wrong with you, then how can you imply that something is wrong with me? how about we acknowledge that we’re both crazy and move on to another topic?

kimmie

May 13th, 2009
11:19 am

that was my point,no interrogation but i still have an opinion.

Melo – And I was not denying you your right to an opinion, just expressing how I felt reading your post, and like I said before, IT AIN”T THAT DEEP! LOL!! All good, Melo!

Mo (aka Moeisha- looking for a new haircut)

May 13th, 2009
11:20 am

RandyT – Travis Henry is just beyond stoopid! C’mon man, 11 children, 10 baby mamas?!?! Seriously….and you want someone to have sympathy for you?!?! He is one of the people I say government should have forced to have a vasectomy….sorry ya’ll but when folk do ig’nant stuff repeatedly……

Kimmie/Cougar – i co-sign your posts!!

SexyCool

May 13th, 2009
11:21 am

Not a question asker? Huh? I don’t see anything wrong with questions like what is your favorite restaurant/football team/ice cream flavor/porn star/day to monkey spank? Have you ever been to New York/California/the islands/on a cruise/to jail? How do I know these things if I don’t ask?

I don’t have to interview you like a Barbara Walters special, but I am going to ask some questions.

I like to call it conversation.

Professor

May 13th, 2009
11:21 am

@W8- I really like your approach as it relates to this question. Your approach is very genuine and needless to say it does not “fit” into that same tired question.

@ Melo- I have never been nervous or coy about this question just annoyed. Maybe I am annoyed because of the repetitiveness of the question. It seems like it is a standard question that lacks thought and is used over and over again. Personally I feel that there are other genuine more creative ways to get to know a person, besides using this old standard.

@ Kimmie- I concur. It is a date, not an interrogation, interview of polygraph test. Just let things flow naturally, and if you need to know more be genuine and creative in the questioning, but please remember it is a date.

IMO I think this comes down to your personality type and I tend to like for things to flow naturally. If we get to that point and things need to be addressed I like the way W8 put things…I can roll with that.

anonymousella

May 13th, 2009
11:24 am

@raqi only the first paragraph of my comment was specifically targeted to you, btw. sorry that wasn’t entirely clear.

Professor

May 13th, 2009
11:27 am

DasVenus…great lyrics…I just love that song and your response to the question is great.

Overall, when I state this I am talking about a first date setting. When I am asked this question, most guys assume that I am married to my career and start guessing and prejudging me, as if they did not hear my reply. I guess that is why I like for the conversation to flow because I feel they are truly getting me as a person. We are all complex and there is no square box to put me in, so let the first date flow and go from there.

Melo

May 13th, 2009
11:28 am

I like to call it conversation

Good point!! Its being spun here like the qstioner has a check list that they are ticking off from. :lol:

People!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It seems like it is a standard question that lacks thought and is used over and over again.
u damn right,that makes it easy.If they asked the same SAT qstions yr in and out,im sure kids wld luv it.Its an easy and innoicent qstion, but it unearth ’stuff’,sme comfortable to u,other no so comfy to the ear.
But i wld rather know today u are a lier based on my reading of ur eyes than know that,5 more dates later or worse!

Sassy Me....Oochey walley,walley...oochey bang,bang :-)

May 13th, 2009
11:30 am

Sassy,Sassy,Sassy! ;)

Hey Cougar Hunter Ggggrrrrrr(growling while typing)….you comin’ to get me ;)

Poppa Grande

May 13th, 2009
11:32 am

Raqi

I know that I am not a total treehugger, but I am not a litterer either.

The one commercial that I really stayed with me from childhood was one where this Native American man looked around and saw trash and a tear formed in his eye. I never wanted to may him cry..lol

Seriously though, I get what you are saying, and those question let things flow more naturally.

LIONESS- Desperation is a BIYATCH!

May 13th, 2009
11:32 am

Sassy- I LOVE that song..

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 13th, 2009
11:34 am

@Poppa Grande …that commercial did exactly the same for me. LOL.

Beautiful

May 13th, 2009
11:36 am

hey VENUS! sup ev1. JAZZY where you at chica?

i’m learning that questions are good. depending though on how personal they are. general questions like what SEXYCOOL said is ok. but i’d rather sit in the cut and let the person tell me on there own certain things. for example, i wouldn’t of known that married guy was married unless i asked. just my .02.

OBAMA had BET in the whitehouse last night. i bet some folks didn’t dig that at all! oh well . . .

kimmie

May 13th, 2009
11:37 am

But i wld rather know today u are a lier based on my reading of ur eyes than know that,5 more dates later or worse!

Melo – If someone is a good lier, your eye reading won’t work. Many folks can lie easy with a straight face. That’s why some questions just don’t work well. Suppose you mistook simple annoyance, like Professor said, for lying? If someone really has something to hide and is even halfway good at it, you are most likely not going to find out on a first date. I say relax, have fun and good conversation and let the wash reveal things. Just my opinion, mind you!LOL!!

SexyCool

May 13th, 2009
11:37 am

Poppa G – ah, the Beautiful Land commercial. I always loved that commercial because the indian looked like he could be my grandmother’s brother.

I, too, do not litter. I recycle cardboard, newspapers/magazines and plastics at home. And I have those re-usable grocery store bags that I carry to Kroger with me faithfully.

Tazzee - all moved in (sort of)

May 13th, 2009
11:37 am

PoppaG – that commercial got me too.

Last night, while at dinner, we had the ‘top 5 movies’ discussion. IMO, questions like that spark healthy conversation and be quite amusing. I still get talked about because I have never seen Friday in its entirety…

kimmie

May 13th, 2009
11:38 am

Now whether or not you are married can and will be asked, straight up front and you BETTER answer!

Melo

May 13th, 2009
11:39 am

All good Dasv,ill holla at u on side.

Poppa Grande

May 13th, 2009
11:39 am

RandyT

That commercial stuck with me for some reason..lol

And the Saturday morning Kid’s PSA regarding being a “yuckmouth” stuck with me too.

My wife is amazed at how crazy I am about keeping my mouth healthy. I’ve even told her that PSA kept me on the straight and narrow in oral health.

Sassy Me....Oochey walley,walley...oochey bang,bang :-)

May 13th, 2009
11:40 am

Sassy- I LOVE that song..

LIONESS me,too…it makes me wanna dance all naughty on one of those “scripper poles”.

Melo

May 13th, 2009
11:45 am

Many folks can lie easy with a straight face.

I am one of the lier right here who can do that!!!… but i wanna have the benefit of the doubt.The qstion is open ended and it is going to prompt discussion.We are talking of a person at 35 being asked why they single.That,in all honest cld prompt an answer spanning 10 yrs depending on the openness of the person.Thats a start.Other things u learn later if u mutually plan to go on other dates.Thats the whole idea.
But I do understand too the feelings of smebody who has been cut buddying for 10 yrs not to want to reveal that sordid history!! :lol:

LIONESS- Desperation is a BIYATCH!

May 13th, 2009
11:45 am

Sassy- LMAO!! Uh oh! Don’t hurt noBODY :)