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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

The Name Game

You take the ring, you take the name. This is the one sentence response I got when I asked an ex-boyfriend how he felt about me not changing my name if we married. I am a Daddy’s girl and he has no sons, so I used to believe that I owed it to Pops to keep the name. The Ex was not warming up to that idea, at all!

I received an email from a reader said that she has noticed the name game among her married friends lately: “Either their names have pretty much stayed the same or the hypenation has been in full-effect!”  She said that it was “surprising to her because so many ladies grew up doodling (and still sneak-a-doodle) the last name of our beloved crush after our first, just to see how it looks.”

She wrote, “I somehow doubt men give this much thought in their formative years, if at all.  Maybe it’s the mindset of the dreaded “Independent Woman” or those who have just gotten so used to solely identifying themselves by maiden name, they can’t go all in with totally disconnecting from it.  How did the married women who chose to keep or hyphenate their maiden names broach the topic?

How did the married men whose mates favored this option react?  Do single, marriage minded men perceive women who would want to do so in a negative way? Do single, marriage minded women perceive guys as insecure if they express discomfort with the idea?

For those married folks who went the traditional route, what influenced your decision?  And for those who are dating with kids, would you feel obligated to change your children’s last names to your husband’s if you should marry?”

Thanks to the reader for asking these great questions! What do you guys think? Are we still playing the name game in 2009?

460 comments Add your comment

Poppa Grande

May 7th, 2009
2:59 pm

Suisse

Of course, I make it more fun for myself by drinking while I cook…

That is part of the man law Bill Of Rights….Thou shall drinketh while he cooketh

Where do you think Beer Can Chicken can from?..:lol:

-W8

May 7th, 2009
2:59 pm

@Raqi..And that’s why I am still single for now..lol

Raqi

May 7th, 2009
3:00 pm

Poppa you are fellow doer so you know how it goes. I would suspect that your wife come first in your life. Meaning her welfare and stance is considered when you make decisions. However I guarantee it would be easy for you to overlook her position if she was always putting the life she had prior to you before you. And I guarantee even more that she would not like being overlooked.

kimmie

May 7th, 2009
3:01 pm

Randy – High five on your 2:58.

i'm swiss

May 7th, 2009
3:02 pm

“That is part of the man law Bill Of Rights…”

PG — Yep, one of the more important MLB rights, too. Right up there with the FIF (said in my best Dave Chappelle voice). ;-)

Poppa Grande

May 7th, 2009
3:05 pm

RandyT

People who always enforce the “my way or the highway” usually get to spend some quality time just with their pride sooner or later.

That sentence is some of the truest words posted on this blog. It goes beyond relationships.

The jailhouse has a number of occupants because they held on to their pride.

Professor

May 7th, 2009
3:06 pm

Being the nice person that I am I will allow my future husband to change his name and use mine. There are two things that I am not doing if I get married (1) changing my name and (2) sharing bank accounts. Ohh I forgot to add that I am not sharing my Corvette either! Period.

MELO

May 7th, 2009
3:07 pm

English/Kimmie pple will always be judgemental,its in our nature.
Arent Kimmie judging ur hoe/tramp friend all the time.U know the one that sleeps from city to city.

English Girl,do u baby.But ofcourse i be watching and counting the yrs on ur holy matrimony :lol:

Mo (aka Moeisha- looking for a new haircut)

May 7th, 2009
3:09 pm

kimmie – I get the same about my hair…”why do you want to cut it”. Im going back to the bob…its short enough without me going my usual drastic route. My father was the hair person in my house, hell I didnt have bangs til I was 15! So like you, when I got to college I chopped it all off (Jada Pinkett in Low Down Dirty Shame). And I’ve gone back and forth since….I like my highlights but want more and I am ready for a new look

Jay – I hear you. People were surprised that I changed my name back to my maiden name but I already had a s-i-l with the same name (first & last)and that was confusing enough so I gave mine back…

Poppa Grande

May 7th, 2009
3:11 pm

Raqi

you are fellow doer so you know how it goes. I would suspect that your wife come first in your life.

I treat our marriage like a business. We merged into one company. There was a transition period. Ultimately, we have one name. I am the CEO and she is the CFO. Both are officers and have power to the company. I take her word in consideration in every decision that involves us. Sometimes, though, I do make decisions with which she doesn’t agree. When my decision succeeds, I don’t throw it in her face, and when it doesn’t succeed, she doesn’t. That is where respect is a MUST.

I’ve told her that I think in terms of “we and not just me.”

Poppa Grande

May 7th, 2009
3:12 pm

Suisse

FIF is probably the most important right, period. Sometimes, you gotta know when to keep your mouf shut.

-W8

May 7th, 2009
3:12 pm

@Professor..you want a boytoy not a man, good luck with that. And on the vette thing I understand nobody drives my Vette for any reason.

English Girl

May 7th, 2009
3:14 pm

@MELO are you serious …counting the years! Keep on counting sweetie. 10 years strong married for 7. Wow so judgemental…lol, by the way are you married or even in relationship cause if that’s how you judge my relationship based on me not taking my husbands name, I hate to see how you judge a potential mate. Good luck with that! :-)

kimmie

May 7th, 2009
3:18 pm

Okay, go ahead and make excuses for your “my way or the highway” attitude. I stand by what I said and don’t need correcting from you. Just because some people don’t want to follow tradition and their way works for them does not make them a bad person. The most successful people in the world are the ones that were innovative and decided to step outside of the box and not subscribe to group-think. I applaud people like that.

As for my friend, the problem I have with her is that she has a 13 year old daughter that is hurting because of her mother’s lifestyle. She had a major breakdown a few weeks ago(the daughter), but her mother is only concerned about the man. I didn’t talk about it on here because it is just too much and I am still a little distraught about it. I’ve known that child since she was born, so yes I take issue. If my friend did not have her, she could be with a different dude everyday of the week, knock herself out, she’s grown. But she’s a mother, so that changes everything, at least I think it should.

KoolAid House

May 7th, 2009
3:19 pm

English Girl – meet Melo. Melo, for her to ask that question she doesn’t know anything about your history. Be nice. We need new residents!

mytw♥cents

May 7th, 2009
3:19 pm

RANDY I can rock with those sentiments… And not to move in on Wise’s unofficial territory since y’all got a thang, but that Jesse James lineage works for me lolol

PG/Swizz Alcohol & Cooking – I go the extra mile and try to incorporate the libation of choice into the meal as well. I poured SoCo over pineapple on Sunday. Last nite I drizzled some nice salmon filets with some more SoCo (in addition to Honey, Adobo and whatever else) and topped it with the pineapple. Add some jasmine rice n fresh veggie saute, I thought I was in a Malaysian restaurant. Mmm mmm good!

kimmie

May 7th, 2009
3:20 pm

Melo – My 3:18 is addressed to you, in case you didn’t know.

Cemeeli

May 7th, 2009
3:20 pm

Kimmie&Mo What would you do if you’d cared for your daughter’s hair (long, healthy, nice ) for years and at 15 or 18 she want’s to cut or color it some not so becoming color?

Cougar Hunter ( My, My, My)

May 7th, 2009
3:22 pm

@Raqi: I absolutely luv your prospective on marriage!

I am not sure why so many ladies seem to think they would lose themselves in a marriage! Even though marriage is hardwork the benefits of a good marriage will outweigh all intrensic rewards and financial accomplishments in life.

During this past year we have seen where the family/marriage is not more important then the loss of a job/income. Not to say their were a lot of great marriages in the past but they endured extremely hard times ( A famine and a depression in 1930’s) and most made it thru, now with a recession upon us and a rising divorce rate it makes you wonder what lies in the future for marriage!

anonymousella

May 7th, 2009
3:22 pm

@cougar hunter, i’d (sort of) be following my mama’s example. she took my dad’s name, but never changed it on any of her bank accounts until she was forced to (not entirely sure what happened. i think her bank matched up her SSN and address to my dad’s and combined their accounts. all marital property anyway, really. but she was *not* happy about that). i think her driver’s license had her maiden name on it until i was an adult.

@raqi to answer your question: it depends on the vow. for some folks, it’s the promise to be companions, co-own property, and raise kids should any result. it’s not a promise to give up their interests or their identities or desires, but a promise to work together so that both people feel happy and fulfilled — not that one thrives and the other’s identity is subsumed.

LIONESS- Whipped Cream is the DEVIL!!

May 7th, 2009
3:23 pm

People rioting over free chicken

i'm swiss

May 7th, 2009
3:25 pm

My2 — That does sound good. Of course, a lot depends on exactly what it is that you’re drinking. I’m not sure Everclear pork loin would be a hit w/ Swiss Miss. :lol:

MELO

May 7th, 2009
3:26 pm

As for my friend, the problem I have with her is that she has a 13 year old
there u go again on ur friend,tolerant of ur judgement but not tolerant of mine or his or hers over there.
Right or wrong,pple will judge u..u need to have a thick skin.
English Girl, i said good luck,no beef here,Best wishes all the way baby! But judgemental??
U bet!
by the way are you married or even in relationship
I do have a Queen(as in wife) that carries my name and have relationed many girlz prior to her.Wld not have had it any other way,unless if she had money like u,wanted to keep her name and i was poor.I wld have gone in for the lottery’s sake i guess.Tempting! :lol:

Mo (aka Moeisha- looking for a new haircut)

May 7th, 2009
3:27 pm

Cemeeli – I wouldnt allow her to cut it at 15, UNLESS she showed me that she could maintain/take care of it. Now as for the color…not til you are 18 & no hideous colors…outside of that I am game. For me, the fact that I couldnt made me want to. And as far as maintenance…I go to a salon for one reason: color. Outside of that I dont set FOOT into a salon!

kimmie

May 7th, 2009
3:29 pm

Sister Cee – At 15 she’s still under my roof. I would let her cut it if she wanted, but some crazy color would have to wait until she’s out of my house. I have no problem with being a little non-traditional and letting a child express themselves to a certain extent. But hopefully I can get across to her how radical haircolors and crazy piercings and tattoos won’t help you in the workplace, unless you are in a very creative profession. I believe in giving a child choices instead of making all of them for them. For example, these ghetto parents that pierce their son’s ears. That child is going to be labeled coming out of the gate. He never had a choice. Now at 18, hopefully my daughter is at somebody’s university and can make the choices she needs to ensure a successful future for herself. Most of my work should be complete.

Poppa Grande

May 7th, 2009
3:29 pm

tatas

SoCo fan, huh? I ain’t madatcha.

JD, Jim Bean, and even some E&J has been known to make it way into the dish or just barbecue sauce. I, once, even manage to find a suitable cooking use of Pabst Blue Ribbon. That stuff is just too bad to drink. Where I grew up PBR was known as the Choice for trailer parks..along with Natural Light. Any beer that you can get for $4.99 a case can’t be that great.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 7th, 2009
3:29 pm

@mytw♥cents LOL

Note to Wise (hey, we need to be more careful, I’m getting the sense that “they” may be on to us and the secret may be getting leaked somehow!!! Ssshhhh (LOL)

MELO

May 7th, 2009
3:30 pm

Melo – My 3:18 is addressed to you, in case you didn’t know

Oh Kimmie,i was one step ahead.Im the only one that brings out the best in u,am i not :lol:

kimmie

May 7th, 2009
3:33 pm

Melo – I’m not being intolerant of your judgement. I really could care less what you think, just having a friendly debate. Thick skin is not really required in this case, cause I don’t give a sh–! That’s saved for real life stuff. And yeah, I have a soft spot for my god-daughter and what she’s going thru because of her mothers lifestyle.

For Real

May 7th, 2009
3:33 pm

OKAY, NOW TELL ME AGAIN WHY A DUDE SHOULD GET MARRIED???????

DAYUM THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE, THESE CHICK WANT THE WIFE EXPERIENCE!!!!!

AGAIN, THE ONLY THING MARRIAGE DOES IS GIVE THE OTHER PERSON LEGAL RIGHTS TO YOUR ISH!!!!!

Raqi

May 7th, 2009
3:34 pm

Anon I agree because I am not talking about giving up who you are or what you like. I am talking about the many statements that we hear of folks saying XYZ is more important than the person they vowed to “promise to be companions, co-own property, and raise kids should any result”. It seems to be a lot of this, that and the other first and then you “my dear” follow after.

I have said it before I know a few people that will not bat an eye if their employer tells or ask them to do something, but if their spouse makes 1/4 of a request that get backlash.

Everything else is more important than the marriage these days. Not even just as important, but more important.

You will find more folks that will change or upgrade their appearance (attire) to hold a work position faster than they would if their spoused asked them to “wear this. I think you would look nice.”

That’s all I am saying.

abc

May 7th, 2009
3:36 pm

English, what does it being the 21st century have to do with it? People throw that phrase around, but it doesn’t seem to have much meaning. Do you mean to say that as time goes on (and on and on) that which was true before becomes no longer true, simply due to the date?

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

May 7th, 2009
3:37 pm

TRUTH…”Why go your whole life wanting a traditional ceremony, like marriage, and then not want the traditions that go with it?” I guess that is why I woudl not want a traditional ceremony!

SSUELLEN…my point exactly! Mrs. Somebody! Dang what happened to her own identity? She had a life before marriage! That name change crap was when all a woman had to look forward to was getting married and popping out rugrats! New Day…so why are some things so archaic?

COUGAR… :lol: Too funny!

ABC….a True Husband or True Wife depends on the actual people. Not all people are the same. Not everybody wants the same things. Hence I my rebel stance on what “society” says everyone should be. Do what makes you feel comfortable. Changing to fit in to a mold only make you unhappy! Then that is when the feeling trapped and doubts and other things creep in an cause problems.

CEMEELI…aw you like my name…ok it’s spelled different! :lol:

Raqi

May 7th, 2009
3:37 pm

People rioting over free chicken

Lioness I almost responded with a joke to that statement but then realized it may come off as being to racial. I might have been funny though.

Where is Aggressively Witty. He would spew a joke no matter who it may or may not have offended.

AmazonRed™

May 7th, 2009
3:38 pm

For Real – Again, why are you yelling? Why do marital topics bring out such disdain?

MELO

May 7th, 2009
3:38 pm

Melo – I’m not being intolerant of your judgement

We str8 then.Squashed.
I got a loud and wild mouth and I will honor,respect and defend every blogger’s right to wild out on me too!
I will cry silently when hurt.

-W8

May 7th, 2009
3:40 pm

Hmm maybe at the ripe old age of 36 I am to old school to think that my Wife (when I find her) should be the most valuable thing on this earth followed by our kids who are bringing up a close second. Probably just the examples of marriage i have seen in my family..but, that last name better be mine..lol

LIONESS- Whipped Cream is the DEVIL!!

May 7th, 2009
3:40 pm

RAqi- Go ahead with the joke! People on here are sensitive NO MATTER what is being said :) I need a good laugh cause this topic is too deep!

mytw♥cents

May 7th, 2009
3:41 pm

ENGLISH GAL Perhaps you missed this earlier – don’t get involved with half of this mess…especially our Zulu friend’s. Just try to sift thru til you find the more salient points mixed in with the shenanigans.

PG Sounds like some beer battered seafood and onion rings at the very least. Since y’all like to host – spades & a Fishfry this weekend? I’ll bring the Red Bumble Bees!

Professor

May 7th, 2009
3:41 pm

@W8, please kindly note that Professor does not want anything. I have three simple rules that will keep the peace in the house. For what its worth I feel that my name does not change my heart; which means, love and commitment is not founded on a name. As for the money, needless to say I have a system in place that has been tried and tested. So I am not starting over trying to merge someone into my bank accounts. We can start a household account and keep it moving.

kimmie

May 7th, 2009
3:42 pm

Melo – Don’t cry babe!

KoolAid House

May 7th, 2009
3:42 pm

Enter your comments here

AmazonRed™

May 7th, 2009
3:43 pm

Hmm maybe at the ripe old age of 36 I am to old school to think that my Wife (when I find her) should be the most valuable thing on this earth followed by our kids who are bringing up a close second.

W8 – There are a lot of folks who agree with this and several people have confessed to traditional marital viewpoints like yours.

You’re not alone here buddy, okay?

English Girl

May 7th, 2009
3:43 pm

@MELO Oh I get it you’re one of those people. You don’t judge people you just assume everyone is like you…….now it makes sense. :-) Also as I stated before hubby came into the marraige with assets too. We both had businesses and met cause we are in the same line of work. Just want to clarify the judgements….no harm done, no beef on my part either!

I’m glad you have a relationship that works for you, guess my hubby liked that we were evenly yoked spiritually, mentally and financially.

Tazzee - all moved in (sort of)

May 7th, 2009
3:44 pm

I kinda want to chime in, but there’s nothing left to be said. Soooo

Does anyone have an Alarm Force security system? I’m going to get one. Now all I need to do is decide on my television provider – I really wish Comcast and NFLN would work out their problems. I want NFLN and VH1 Soul

Leggs

May 7th, 2009
3:45 pm

@Atlwen ~

“That is why I prefer to get some background a female before I approach so I will know what I’m getting myself into”…well the only way I see you being able to do this is if friends are trying to set you up on blind dates. Glad you have “self-confidence.” You need that confidence to walk up to someone in the mall w/o knowing there background. You have to learn to step out on faith and gather that background info as you get to know the person.

Raqi

May 7th, 2009
3:45 pm

Dang what happened to her own identity?

Staceye it was not “her” own. It was either her father’s or mother’s, but not her own. Now if you want an identity separate for that you inherited or married to, change your name altogether. Drop your inherited name and be a sole identity that you created for yourself.

And changing your name does not end your life. Just because you become Mr. and Mrs. Cougar and Staceye Hunter does not make you less of the woman you were before then. If you were moving mountains before Mr. C. Hunter came along, keep moving them after him is in your life. Being Mrs. Hunter does take away your strength.

That’s the biggest misconception ever advertised.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 7th, 2009
3:47 pm

@Raqi re 3:34 post. I cannot address how many marriages ultimately have come unraveled because one “partner” put everything and everyone in front of their “partner”, but I know at up close and personal at least one marriage that died because of this very sentiment. Some people (probably most people) tend to forget who and what are/should be the most important people in their lives and consequently they “prioritize” wrong once, twice…a thousand times too often (thinking they will “make it up to their spouse/SO soon…yeah right).

Why is it that so many of us take the one person for granted the most, that is the one person that can give us the most happiness…or the most sadness? As we noted yesterday, people are weird.

Cemeeli

May 7th, 2009
3:48 pm

Mo/Kimmie – The reason i ask is because i came back home from a summer break when i was 15 years old and i had a perm. My mom did a good job taking care of my notty head, every week. Week, after week….
My auntie who had a beautician girlfriend approved for me to get this perm, right? So i’m calling Mrs. Betty and she told me whenever i come to the Shop she was ready to put it in. Of coure, why i went that very next day? And my mom didn’t know. So my aunt eventually called and told her. Lemme back up. First off my mom was the braid queen and could do hair back when i was younger. She was the neighborhood “braid” lady for folks she know she’d braid the girls hair. Okay my hair was ALWAYS dime tight when braided…ALWAYS!

Okay so i get back to Atlanta with my virgin perm, and she was NOT upset! I was so suprised!!! So after a day or two, she says okay so you still wearing it in a ponytail, why you get a relaxer and all you wanna do is where a ponytail. So i say; “oh mamma, you wanna cut and style my hair?” (thinking she was just as excited). Momma says “Ah, is that what you thought child?”…”YOU, are going to take care of that. Since you’ve gotten to grown for wash and straightening, i figure you’ve got this perm thing figured out.”

I think both my aunt, grandma, and mamma, were relieved becuase they did not have to do my wash and staightening anymore.

I did not miss them doing it either!!!

mytw♥cents

May 7th, 2009
3:48 pm

ARED COULD IT BE THAT HE YELLS HIS LIST ‘O DEMANDS AT WOMEN IN REAL LIFE? AND THEY SAY YOU GOTTA MARRY ME IF I’M GONNA PUT UP WITH THIS ISH?!?!

AGAIN, WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF WOMEN MARRYING CRAZY ME, JUST TO BE MARRIED? NONE! BUT WE CAN LOVE BEYOND THE FOOLISHNESS, WHILE MANY OF Y’ALL PICK US APART WHEN LESS THAN PERFECTION!

W8 Have you visited before? Please come again.