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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

The Name Game

You take the ring, you take the name. This is the one sentence response I got when I asked an ex-boyfriend how he felt about me not changing my name if we married. I am a Daddy’s girl and he has no sons, so I used to believe that I owed it to Pops to keep the name. The Ex was not warming up to that idea, at all!

I received an email from a reader said that she has noticed the name game among her married friends lately: “Either their names have pretty much stayed the same or the hypenation has been in full-effect!”  She said that it was “surprising to her because so many ladies grew up doodling (and still sneak-a-doodle) the last name of our beloved crush after our first, just to see how it looks.”

She wrote, “I somehow doubt men give this much thought in their formative years, if at all.  Maybe it’s the mindset of the dreaded “Independent Woman” or those who have just gotten so used to solely identifying themselves by maiden name, they can’t go all in with totally disconnecting from it.  How did the married women who chose to keep or hyphenate their maiden names broach the topic?

How did the married men whose mates favored this option react?  Do single, marriage minded men perceive women who would want to do so in a negative way? Do single, marriage minded women perceive guys as insecure if they express discomfort with the idea?

For those married folks who went the traditional route, what influenced your decision?  And for those who are dating with kids, would you feel obligated to change your children’s last names to your husband’s if you should marry?”

Thanks to the reader for asking these great questions! What do you guys think? Are we still playing the name game in 2009?

460 comments Add your comment

Raqi

May 7th, 2009
1:05 pm

While it is harder to pick a last name (Maiden or Married), how hard is it to give your kids sensible FIRST names. I went to a promotion ceremony for my s-i-l son and I tell you some of the names that kids have these days is just amazing.

Tazzee - all moved in (sort of)

May 7th, 2009
1:06 pm

LOL @ Lucas – I’m liking the input from the new folks today. I had a comment to make but I forgot it after catching up.

Lurker and SexyCool – twitter is cool, I mainly like reading other folks and twitter is how I find out a lot of stuff.

Mike Vick

May 7th, 2009
1:07 pm

I will take my… uh, you know… husband’s name.

MELO

May 7th, 2009
1:07 pm

:oops:

havent boght a musical CD in about 5/6 yrs now.Waste of time and money esp when every visitor to my home,close relative i.e. seemed to want to pilfer my stuff and most did.
I think i might have to buy this highly anticipated and long overdue, upcoming Maxwell CD tho.
(after a week of continous listening,they all sound stale,dnt know if its wrth it tho)

Mary

May 7th, 2009
1:09 pm

My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married, and this subject came up. He doesn’t care if I change my name or not. I would also be in no rush to do so. I love my last name, and it just seems like such a hassle to change everything. I do a lot of freelancing, and my website is under that name.

His last name is similar in pronunciation to my middle name, and it would just sound too weird. At the most, I’d either hyphenate (though my current last name is very Irish and hard for some to pronounce), or take my current last name as a second middle name. Neither of us want kids (or will ever have them), so that’s not an issue in our relationship.

I don’t see where people can say that it’s an honor and shows respect to their husband to take his name. What is the husband doing to honor and respect his wife? Marrying her? She’s honoring him by marrying him. She’s agreeing to pledge her life to one person, and that should be honor and respect enough. Saying, “if you take the ring, you take the name” is ridiculous.

Frankly, if the boyfriend said he wouldn’t marry me unless I took his name, he’d be an ex-boyfriend. He’s supposed to want to marry me, not my name.

Grace

May 7th, 2009
1:09 pm

Lueker/mytwo I also like Sophia, Emerson and Gabriella for a girl and Emmanuel and Guy for a boy.

Grace

May 7th, 2009
1:11 pm

Sorry that was Lurker blame it on the liquid lunch :)

Tazzee - all moved in (sort of)

May 7th, 2009
1:14 pm

The Truth I should have had you at my unpacking party. I like to go through my stuff and reminisce while unpacking

A

May 7th, 2009
1:17 pm

Bond granted in Easter crash that killed 5

Tazzee - all moved in (sort of)

May 7th, 2009
1:17 pm

PoppaG Technically I’m not a Boilermaker – I started at Purdue but graduated from A&T. I have a lot of friends that graduated from Purdue but if asked, I’m an Aggie.

Raqi

May 7th, 2009
1:18 pm

Beautiful how far are those wildfires from where you live? I don’t recall what part of Cali you said you live in.

Rawn

May 7th, 2009
1:19 pm

Leave a piece of you with us….
Have you ever had the kind of day when you need to just vent about it? Sometimes talking to the mate, a friend or family member is just not the right thing…Why not share it with us?
We all have lived through and encountered a variety of situations that make up our life experiences, and make us who we are today. Who we are today is not because of one experience, but because of the many experiences we have gone through. I am sure while you are reading this, you can already think of one specific situation that you were faced with that shaped who you are as a person today. Whether it was something big that had a dramatic impact on you, or something a little lighter that simply changed the way you see certain things…every experience you have had deserves a place to be shared! Which is why we decided this blog would best be served if it allowed people to share and discuss their many life experiences…hence the name of this blog, http://www.sharinglifexperiences.com.

anonymousella

May 7th, 2009
1:19 pm

hrm. i thought i posted a comment. maybe it got moderated. don’t think i said anything profane, but knowing me, i did. reposting it. apologies if it appears twice.

men don’t have this discussion because men don’t have this issue. no one expects that a man will change his name after marriage. in fact, in some states, it’s harder for men to do so.

‘if i take the ring,’ i am not changing my name. i won’t ask him to change his either.

shoot, i own the domain name, the google rank, and built a professional reputation. you want me give up a very public part of my identity, my connection to my family, re-build my google juice, and go through the hassle of changing my name on my driver’s license, a dozen financial accounts and a passport?

and then if we got a divorce, i’d either have to be stuck with your last name or have to go through the whole hassle again? no thanks.

but it’s not just a “ms. independent” thing. it’s also a mutual respect and partnership thing. why should i have to change my name if you don’t? WE are creating a new family. i am not merely joining yours. and if being one unit is so important, why can’t you take my name? why can’t we both hyphenate?

would i think a man was “insecure” if he had a problem with it? no. i would think he was patriarchal, traditionalist, and not someone i should marry or even date long term.

Candance

May 7th, 2009
1:20 pm

I am getting married this fall. I am keeping my name. My fiance is keeping his name, too.

Why didn’t I change my name? Because I already have one!

If my husband needs my name to change in order to realize my commitment to him, then he’s not worth marrying in the first place.

Laura

May 7th, 2009
1:23 pm

When I married, I did not change my last name because it is so 20th century to do that, and it also smacks of slave names. You know, you BELONG to your husband. Snap out of it ladies – a real partner should not require you to change your name. Now put down that little mermaid blanket and join the real world.

AmazonRed™

May 7th, 2009
1:27 pm

My last name is so uncommon that I’ve never met anyone with it that wasnt related but she’ll have to adapt.

Truth – Your last name is rather groovy. I like one syllable names like that.

-W8

May 7th, 2009
1:28 pm

I only pay bills that have my last name only. When I get married she becomes my responsibility, not her parents (maiden name) or half mine and half her parents (hyphenated last name)

kate X

May 7th, 2009
1:30 pm

I kept my family name and am proud of it. Why? Few reasons — I had a career beginning under my family last name, written before I was married (professor, with several publications out), but that was not the main reason. I am from a family of all girls (4 sisters). Everyone took their husbands’ names but me. My dad’s name will die out on our side of the family if someone did not keep it alive. So I did.

And my husband (of 23 years, no less!) is fine with us having 2 last names. And hey, there is one advantage to having 2 last names — when the telemarketers call and ask for “Mrs. Y” I can honestly say that “I’m sorry, she is dead” — and it is true, my husband’s mom HAS died about 10 years ago! Stops them in their tracks to hear that!!!

Leggs

May 7th, 2009
1:31 pm

@Laura, the WLBs don’t like mermaid blankets. Put your vest on! J/K!

Raqi

May 7th, 2009
1:32 pm

I only pay bills that have my last name only.

LOL I like that.

AmazonRed™

May 7th, 2009
1:32 pm

My dad’s name will die out on our side of the family if someone did not keep it alive. So I did.

Kate X Won’t it die out anyway when you do? Do any of your children have your maiden name?

I can keep my father’s name, but the name will still die when I do.

kate X

May 7th, 2009
1:34 pm

To AmazonRed: We had intended to hyphenate childrens’ last names, but unfortunately, due to the big ‘c’, had no children.

Pizen

May 7th, 2009
1:35 pm

When we got married, I said to my wife to either keep her maiden name or take mine. None of this dual name/hyphenated crap. Her parents had all daughters, and I could understand if she wanted to keep the name going. She chose to take my name, which honors me like you wouldn’t believe.

-W8

May 7th, 2009
1:35 pm

Kinda hard to become one with two different last names.
Ephesians 5:31-33 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one.

Some more food for thought:
I Peter 3:7, teaches that the husband is to honor his wife. She gave up her name to take yours. Honor means that you should show her respect and this involves courtesy, consideration and emotional support. Be sure that as her husband that you do not hold her up to ridicule in public by the cutting remarks that you make. She wears YOUR name and is to viewed as part of your body. She is not perfect and you are aware of this. Do not expect perfection, but as Ephesians 4:32 teaches, “forbear one another”. This means to be gentle toward her. Control of temper, abstaining from physical violence and restraining a sharp tongue that makes one feel so inferior
.

IDK

May 7th, 2009
1:35 pm

I have a very unique last name, where anyone with it is my relative as well, and I would never give it up. Once I married, I agreed to hyphenate it, but would never completely drop it.
Furthermore, from what I understand, the “tradition” started because the wife and children of a man were considered his property, and that is why they took his name. I think we as a society are past that….

AmazonRed™

May 7th, 2009
1:36 pm

kate X I’m sorry to hear that. Hope all is well with you and hubby now. :)

English Girl

May 7th, 2009
1:37 pm

I’ve been married 7 years and have never changed my name. I use my married name at work, but have never legally changed it. So all legal docs have maiden name on them. I had a lot of assets before I met hubby and honestly didn’t want to go through the hassle of changing everything
I would have used the hyphen thing, but hubbies name together with mine would have been way too long. My husband doesn’t care, but if and when we have children they will have his last name.

-W8

May 7th, 2009
1:39 pm

@Raqi,

Pay the my last name only bills…that just my personal outlook on things..lol

MELO

May 7th, 2009
1:39 pm

Afternoon folks:
ajc home page:Baby dies with pacifier taped :grin: :evil: :twisted:

that constant n’eeeee,n’eeeeee,n’eeeeee, crying can be a real bother to some!!

Raqi,kids names:
another can of worms :grin:
Lets see:

Obamaneesha
Shangtulela
Shaneequa,Shaineeeka,
Kwaindeela
Doneesha
Shabuteeleeza
Gwendoleeza
Condoleeza
Ghonoleeza
Go on…….
Plze just stop it african americans!

TH

May 7th, 2009
1:40 pm

I planned on keeping my maiden name as I was the last daughter to marry, had no brothers to keep the family name going and I had a very unique maiden name. I then realized that the family name would end with me anyway as any children I may have will take their father’s name so why not!! I know my husband and my in-laws appreciated the gesture. I still have the same initials and my married name is so much easier to pronounce!!

mytw♥cents

May 7th, 2009
1:40 pm

MO My hair was the longest it’s ever been. And I was SOOOO bored. There’s no point in having longer hair if you’re not doing anything with it. And mine was healthy. So many hold onto long, limp, hair. What kinda highlights are you aiming for, honey blondish? I had some beautiful red ones inspired by one of Eva Longoria’s colors for whoever her endorsement deal is with. I may revive it with the re-cut.

PROFESSOR I like being thought of as an asset. Yea, I’m goin with the play on words. If I give myself to someone I’d have to come to accept him interpreting it as having a sense of ownership. But it can’t be claustrophibic, cave man, you’re GONNA change yo’ name, woman style. I’m much better with a calmly expressed request or respectful objection to my considering something against the grain.

Cemeeli

May 7th, 2009
1:41 pm

Everyone should have had lunch outside today! It’s nice and breezy out.

DuShawn

May 7th, 2009
1:41 pm

“….You know, you BELONG to your husband.” I didn’t realize so many women shared this sentiment. When I got married, I viewed giving my wife my last name as a precious gift. It represents my bloodline, my forefathers, and our tribe. Of all the women in the world, I asked her to share it. If she would’ve declined for whatever reason, I would’ve been a little hurt.

Cemeeli

May 7th, 2009
1:41 pm

OH!

We have lots of guests!

Jamoca

May 7th, 2009
1:41 pm

Afternoon everybody…

On Topic: What’s in a name?…hmmmm

I’d actually not mind at all, IF I were to ever get married…changing my last name completely. Heyal, my birth certificate already states the last name I was born under and with a last name like mine, I’ll never forget it. My first name is pretty simply, very easy to remember and has the meaning —> “to be open”…and that I definitely am. I also really like my middle name, especially the way some of the papis pronounce them both, since they tend to claim its orgin anyway (lol)….just rolls right off ya’ tongue. LOL….But my last name???…I’ve been tormented, teased and given the snicker many a roll call in school…some of the fellas in middle school began to call me by my last name, since some of them thought it was kinda cool. I would not say that its a common last name, but it’s DEFINITELY a common word!…meaning more than one….aww heyal, lemme hush! That’ll give it away completely. Haha…

I often wonder where in the heyal did it come from, since I’ve looked it up as well….so I’ve come to the conclusion that this last name could have possibly been made up by my ancestors, who dumped the name of their slavemasters/owners and simply represented themselves as “a people” . …and Ms. MyTwo and Cee just hush!!! LOL

However, once talking to an ex…. and I just “luv” how the week’s topics has been circulating around that particular era, yeah, being sarcastic …but his last name began with an “S” . We got on the subject several times, just for kicks…but it turned serious when brutha man said without a blink nor stutter ….”Look here, ANY woman that I PROPOSE to, must take MY last name without any hyphenation, whatsoever…if she really wants to be on my team…and if not, we already have a problem.”

I know why he stressed that, particularly with my concern, that if I were to marry any man, with the same (lastname) initial…my full initials would be A.S.S?!?!…didn’t sit well with me (at first) and I wasn’t about to ditch my middle name either and replace it with a last name that I was taunted with most of my life. So I thought it over some more, and actually liked it!…love raising a few eyebrows myself, especially when I’m telling the gawd honest truth. Imagine any legal docs that I’d signed….just A.S.S everywhere!! Lmao

Lurker Oh gurl, it’s alright! Lol…it was my understanding that the ville was experiencing a few technical difficulties, but it still sucked since most of us are not trying to go back and read pg 2, when most are on pg 4…especially not for one post. Which was the reason why it appeared that I was repeating myself. Hahahaaa… WD we good chickadee!

Now, as for my daughters…I’ll be back with that one….ish is getting too long. Lol

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while blogging

May 7th, 2009
1:42 pm

W8m I applaud you. I aint dropping loot on a chick that wont wear my name. Then again the chicks saying this ish never met the one but wound up marrying the one that asked. LOL

Question: Why go your whole life wanting a traditional ceremony, like marriage, and then not want the traditions that go with it?

Ared Furry Truth, has a nice ring to it doesn’t it?

Tazz, you gotta get the music hooked up first, then the alcohol, crown royal, then the food, kfc will do but get a big bucket. Then get out the way so i can go to work.

Ok, I’m making tentative plans to hit Dubai end of this month. I say tentative because I cant go if I dont have my passport back. It costs around $45-80 round trip.

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

May 7th, 2009
1:42 pm

MY2CENTS…I say the same thing. Beyonce is robotic I only like her as a singer. As an actress she sucks. And when she interviews she just seems cookie cutter…no personality….boring!

“GMEHL Do you think the divorce was somewhat due to your refusal to submit on the name thing, which could’ve led to his resentment about other things?”
Girl…If that was the reason than girl good riddings. It is something so trivial. Again…it’s justa bloody name. GEEZ! :lol:

SEASONEDBELLE…I agree with you. Men love to try to get women to do something they woudln’t do. I will always tell people…don’t ask me to do what you wouldn’t do?

GAHOCKEYMOM…KUDOS! More men should be more secure in their manhood to to understand that. Marriage has so many new expectations. I think that is why we have so many divorces. All of a sudden you get hitched you are supposed to become this totally different person. Well you must have fallen in love with the person you thought I would become…not the person I was. For instance…if you were living with you fiancee before marriage and she was never the person to cook…why do you now expect her to be Suzie Homemaker? If that man was not Mr. Fix-It before…why do you expect him to be that now? I think we new expectations stop being forced we may actually see a decline in divorces. I am a what you see is what you get person.

CRYSTAL…”Changing your last name will not change who your are!” Not true…some people have a certain connection to their last name. I do not…but I feel I have always been who I am…and will remain. Respect on both sides to me is his respecting my decision to keep my name and my respect to him is to add. Again…see if a man would change his name.

LEGGS…I do not bad mouth her..I just say she is talented as a performer…not an actress.

PROFESSOR…”And needless to say the entire name-changing thing makes me feel like property, an asset, something that was merely acquired and/or purchased”…my pint exactly. Isn’t that how slaves got there last names….their “master” gave it to them as a sign of ownership?

CANDACE….D*mn girl…I am not mad at you. I feel the same way.

Suellen

May 7th, 2009
1:44 pm

I know this is all a personal choice, but I personally don’t understand why any girl/woman wouldn’t keep her own name when she gets married. If a man insists on it – and you’re an independent type – it’s a pretty good sign that he’s not the one for you. You lose too much of your identity when you take your husband’s name – you become Mrs. Somebody – and nothing similar happens to the husband. A man would never put up with having to change his last name upon marriage, so why should a woman change hers. I know that it’s a tradition, but it’s a tradition from very, very long ago, when the roles of women were quite differnt. Back when women couldn’t even own property in their own name.

Cemeeli

May 7th, 2009
1:45 pm

I’m convinced.

Melo smokes. Yous a complete fool.

Mo (aka Moeisha- looking for a new haircut)

May 7th, 2009
1:48 pm

mytwo – that is me!! I am sooo over this long hair!! I need something different, I dont wear ponytails so there is really no need for all this extra length. I dont know what color highlights I want to add (since I have some..just not enough). But my girl that did them moved away so I need someone that is great with color

Laura

May 7th, 2009
1:49 pm

@Leggs – guess my white is showing because I don’t understand your comment.

MELO

May 7th, 2009
1:49 pm

had a lot of assets before I met hubby ……My husband doesn’t care…..

He cares more for ur loot tho.I wld if i were him :lol:

Raqi

May 7th, 2009
1:52 pm

When you get married you will always be a Mrs. Somebody. Either Mrs. Husband or Mrs. Father.

AmazonRed™

May 7th, 2009
1:52 pm

Ok, I’m making tentative plans to hit Dubai end of this month.

Yay, presents! *smiling sweetly* :lol:

Cougar Hunter ( My, My, My)

May 7th, 2009
1:52 pm

Hello Beautiful people!

This is really a traditional topic, My wife can keep her maiden name if it is really important to her!

Stacye(Mamba):regarding your 10:53 post

But if by chance I lose my mind and decided to marry, I would add my hubby’s name. By marrying him..he is an addition to the life I already had before him.

Stacey how does Mamba-Hunter sound? :smile:

Atlborn

May 7th, 2009
1:53 pm

Sup folks!

I like the topic Wise.
I’m of the ilk that the woman a man marries should take on his name. Marriage is supposed to be about unity, becoming one, but so many ladies seem to be determined to overly demonstrate their individuality by retaining their name. Like some of the other guys said on here today, if u are unwillingly to take the man’s name then why marry him.

I’m not a fan of the hyphenated names either. I don’t think a man wanting his wife to take on his name signals he’s insecure either. Why would a man be “secure” in his own identity just because he does not care either way if his wife takes on his name or not. In my opinion he may be insecure if he has no opinion on the matter at all.

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while blogging

May 7th, 2009
1:54 pm

Sueellen, you dont want to take his name, or be his so called “servant”, or have to follow him, or give up your independence or do anything. Why not just stay single and you can keep your name?

Mo, I can cut your hair but I only know one style and i’m wearing it. If your interested let me know and i’ll give you a blog discount. Instead of the normal $10 I’ll only charge you $14. Additional color is $47.

Raqi

May 7th, 2009
1:55 pm

And do folks really believe taking on the name of your spouse makes you lose your identity. Is that all you are, your father/mother’s last name?

I don’t get that.

mytw♥cents

May 7th, 2009
1:56 pm

CANDACE Have you already made him aware of this and how did it go over?

W8 I’m diggin that 1 Peter!

Leggs

May 7th, 2009
1:57 pm

@Laura, no problem. I was being funny about the mermaid blankets. Saying we’re all tough cookies up in this camp and don’t need any mermaid blankets because we’re grown. J/K = Just Kidding! A corny joke gone wrong..that’s all. Also, the blog vest is what we put on when someone “attempts” to read another one their rights! Understand now?