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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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The Name Game

You take the ring, you take the name. This is the one sentence response I got when I asked an ex-boyfriend how he felt about me not changing my name if we married. I am a Daddy’s girl and he has no sons, so I used to believe that I owed it to Pops to keep the name. The Ex was not warming up to that idea, at all!

I received an email from a reader said that she has noticed the name game among her married friends lately: “Either their names have pretty much stayed the same or the hypenation has been in full-effect!”  She said that it was “surprising to her because so many ladies grew up doodling (and still sneak-a-doodle) the last name of our beloved crush after our first, just to see how it looks.”

She wrote, “I somehow doubt men give this much thought in their formative years, if at all.  Maybe it’s the mindset of the dreaded “Independent Woman” or those who have just gotten so used to solely identifying themselves by maiden name, they can’t go all in with totally disconnecting from it.  How did the married women who chose to keep or hyphenate their maiden names broach the topic?

How did the married men whose mates favored this option react?  Do single, marriage minded men perceive women who would want to do so in a negative way? Do single, marriage minded women perceive guys as insecure if they express discomfort with the idea?

For those married folks who went the traditional route, what influenced your decision?  And for those who are dating with kids, would you feel obligated to change your children’s last names to your husband’s if you should marry?”

Thanks to the reader for asking these great questions! What do you guys think? Are we still playing the name game in 2009?

460 comments Add your comment

gmehl

May 7th, 2009
12:10 pm

I don’t see why the women are expected to change their names.
I was married and did not change my name. It just felt like I was not myself with another name. I will say that my ex was not thrilled about it but i asked him how he would feel about changing his name and he backed off.
I, too, am one of 3 daughters and no sons. Both my sisters have changed their names, so I am the only one left.
I guess I am too independent to be comfortable with it. After my divorce, I changed my daughter’s last name to mine instead of the other way around. She does not have her biological father’s last name, she has mine.
If the woman wants to change her name, she should do it but she shouldn’t be pressured into it.

Poppa Grande

May 7th, 2009
12:11 pm

tatas

PG Seriously? Wait after 25 yrs, why come she fighting over him? Hey, till death did them part…

Legally, the wife has claim to it. They never got a legal divorce. They were just separated. He didn’t have a will either. Especially, if the state doesn’t recognize common law marriage. This funeral was in SC. We’ll see what survives probate.

However, I’ve had a similar incident in my family.

Although, I did joke with my wife that at least my family waited until the body was in the ground before the ladies took swings at each other. After the pastor finished with the word “dust”, it was on. There were a lot of four letter words, that would put me in blog purgatory being said, right there in the church cemetery.

AmazonRed™

May 7th, 2009
12:12 pm

My job blocks me from downloading software, so I couldn’t download the application to download the KFC coupon. No biggie, cuz I haven’t eaten KFC in years and one of my co-workers brought a bucket to the office picnic last week anyway.

But one of my friends suggested we print out the coupons and give it to the homeless, so I was bummed I couldn’t do that.

KsuOwl

May 7th, 2009
12:13 pm

LOL @ Amazon. Right now im in the IZ (Green Zone) in central Baghdad. I’ll be in Atl from the 16-30…these 12 hour days are gettin’ to me. It’ll be good to see home again. I wont be swingin through Kuwait though. We all process through Dubai before heading back to the states. Look u up huh??? Wassup?

Leggs

May 7th, 2009
12:15 pm

@SexyCool, pretty much the scene at the KFC on Candler Road. I kept on driving. Well, ladies I have on some capris cuffed white linen pants and black slingback heels. I went over to a co-worker’s desk to take a picture. Next thing I knew, she was picking me up off the floor. My freaking heel got caught in the cuff of my pant. Had to be a freaky thing cuz although I walk fast and step high, no freaking way I step that high. Still scratching my head and ripped my pants by the knee! Now, I’m bummed!

MELO

May 7th, 2009
12:16 pm

I was married and did not change my name….I will say that my ex was not thrilled about it.. I am too independent to be comfortable with it

Seeing that u are divorced urself,do u feel that is sound advice to give to ladies who want to get married.
Or you would rather the ladies say,”consider the source OR read between the lines”,in regards to ur advice.???!! Whats ur take on ur ramblingsgmehl???

mytw♥cents

May 7th, 2009
12:16 pm

MELO Two things. 1. Beyonce seems well spoken to you? She always seems like she’s robotically reading a teleprompter to me. 2. Soweto, huh? You finally let it slip…wink,wink

Jay

May 7th, 2009
12:17 pm

Mo. With Lil Mo having your maiden name as her middle name. In the back of your mind. Did you see or vision a divorce in the future. Just asking…

Poppa Grande

May 7th, 2009
12:17 pm

Melo

I hope,pray and trust to God that shes still a virgin!

You do know that Beyonce is married, right?

Also, keep in mind that her parents also raised her sister “Solonge”, who tends to be a little more on the wild side than Beyonce.

I honestly equate the Knowles with the Simpsons (not Homer and Marge). Both packaged up their kids for media consumption. I am not a big fan of Jessica and Ashley, but its just that I’m not a fan of their product.

MELO

May 7th, 2009
12:20 pm

‘Soweto, huh? You finally let it slip…wink,wink’

I thoght u knew mytwo.

She was on CNN larry King,sounded real classy!

GAPeach

May 7th, 2009
12:21 pm

Hello all. I found this issue to be interesting since it’s one I’m dealing with right now. Just got remarried in April and am doing all the stuff to legally change my name to my new hubby’s. I am a traditionalist as well, and I figure, even with my career, that people can update their stuff as easily as I do. Doesn’t bother me at all to have to do that.

I think it is an honor to a man to take his name and I know my new hubby loves it. Any children we have together will have OUR last name. We share a name the same as we share our family bonds.

I also have a daughter from a previous marriage. I was widowed when she was small. My new husband does intend to adopt her and give her his name. I don’t want her name to be any different from her future siblings or the rest of us. My new husband will be the one raising her and I want her to have his name. Her biological father held little value to his last name and had no relationship with his own father. I don’t think there is any big deal in keeping that for her, which will just make her stick out. We have little to do with his family in general now, which is way more drama than I’ll post here.

In general, people do what they think is best for their situation. I do find it odd when women DON’T take their husband’s name, but that’s just me the southern traditional girl.

KsuOwl

May 7th, 2009
12:21 pm

Well, It’s been good. Time to head on to the DFAC and get dinner and then on to get some rest. It’s almost 7:30 here…and that means i’m off. Amazon…holla @ me. I’m at ksuowl25@gmail.com…Peace. Oh and just to let everyone know…just for fun…we printed out the coupons from KFC and handed it to the Iraqi at the KFC place and he looked at us like we were crazy. Oprah..hook us up ova here!!

MELO

May 7th, 2009
12:22 pm

‘You do know that Beyonce is married, right?’

Ared,go get Poppa!! :lol:

mytw♥cents

May 7th, 2009
12:22 pm

HAHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa LEGGS – You were gettin your Top Model on all across the office! Please stop having mimosas in the morning and night caps in the evening! I’m really becoming concerned for your safety while asleep and awake.

GMEHL Do you think the divorce was somewhat due to your refusal to submit on the name thing, which could’ve led to his resentment about other things?

bridget

May 7th, 2009
12:22 pm

I can’t believe some women are making this a big deal? It’s a name, it’s not like it’s changing “who” you are or what people “think” of you. My husband doesn’t have a care in the world if I didn’t change my last name or changed it to an entirely different last name all together. It’s about me being a dedicated wife & loving him unconditionally regardless of what people call me. I hyphenated my name and I like it that way. He has a common last name & has encountered identity theft on more than one occasion. I am being cautious & keeping my options open as to what my offical name will be.

lurker

May 7th, 2009
12:24 pm

Melo Beyonce….Angelic? Godliness? Bet you think great actress too huh. Blinded by azz I see….lol

Elizabeth, Olivia, Chelsea, Abigal…love those names.

lurker

May 7th, 2009
12:25 pm

does anyone twitter?

SeasonedBelle

May 7th, 2009
12:26 pm

I have a name. It’s who I am. Why should I change it? Did once. Never again. It’s not necessary. My child has his father’s last name, but I reclaimed mine after the divorce. Marriage alone isn’t reason enough to change one’s name. Let the guys change theirs for a few decades or centuries. Seems only fair.

Lucas

May 7th, 2009
12:27 pm

I don’t like the idea of being married to someone with the same last name as me. It’s like being brother and sister, or something.

DWadeFan

May 7th, 2009
12:27 pm

I hyphenated my name and my husband still “just doesn’t get it” to this day. I was adopted, however I didn’t find out until I was an adult. When I discovered how my dad loved me so much that he signed my birth certificate and raised me as his own “flesh and blood” I wanted to always carry his name. My husband enjoys saying my hyphenated name with emphasis when he’s angry. What he hasn’t tried to understand is how much my maiden name means to me and why. I will always be my daddy’s girl.

anonymousella

May 7th, 2009
12:28 pm

um, men don’t have that conversation because they don’t have the issue. it’s not expected for them to change their names after marriage. in fact, in some places, it’s harder for men to do so.

yes, we’re still playing the name game. “if i take the ring, ” i still ain’t changing it. my name means a lot to me. i’m used to it. built a professional reputation with it. i own the domain name and the google rank.

it’s not just a ms. independent thing though. it’s also mutual respect, partnership, and how your view marriage. we can both change our names. or we can both keep our pre-marital ones. but why should i have to give up that connection to my family, my ancestry and my identity? we are becoming a family. i am not merely joining yours. it’s a holdover from times when women and Negroes were property. i got issues with that on both counts … lol.

i wouldn’t think a guy was insecure if he had a problem with it. i’d think he was patriarchal, sexist, traditional and not someone i should be marrying or even dating seriously.

DuShawn

May 7th, 2009
12:28 pm

On another note, those that have been reading me for a while may remember a story I shared about this deaf chick I met at a bar. To refresh your memory, About a year ago, I was at a neighborhood spot, chick at the bar kept looking at me, she motions for me to join her, I approach, she starts doing sign language and talking the deaf talk, caught me off guard, I faked a phone call and dipped. How about yesterday, I’m at the same bar, just left the barbershop, stopped by to pick up some wings to go for the game, sat at the bar between two attractive females, ordered a beer while waiting for the food. Both women are sneaking peaks at me, inviting me to speak. Some dude rushes the one on my right and starts a conversation. Not to be outdone, I ask the one to my left, How was her day? Don’t you know, she started doing sign language, and talking the undecipherable deaf talk. It was the same chick from a year ago. This time I couldn’t leave because I had to wait for my food, so I sat there a pretended to converse with her even though I didn’t know what the f&*k she was saying. It’s not my intention to be insensitive to the hearing impaired nor was I rude to baby. But that was some crazy shyt.

SexyCool

May 7th, 2009
12:30 pm

Lurker – I signed up for a Twitter account a few weeks ago. However, I haven’t updated it since the first day because there is really little going on in my life that is Twitter-worthy.

Mo (aka Moeisha- looking for a new haircut)

May 7th, 2009
12:30 pm

Jay – No. Giving Lil Mo my maiden name as a middle name was simply a way to keep the name going. We dont have many boys in my family and ex-hubby was cool with it. What made you think that? Im asking because someone else posed that question to me as well

Tony

May 7th, 2009
12:30 pm

If a woman wishes to keep her maiden name, it is fine with me. What bugs me is when a woman has decided to keep her name, but then rushes to have it changed when she gives birth.

GaHockeymom

May 7th, 2009
12:33 pm

I got married in ‘99, while in the prime of my career days. I was not even considering changing my name. It would have been a huge hassle for me to, all of a sudden, be someone different. My business colleagues would have no idea who I was. And I was Dir. of Ops. for an international hotel marketing company, so my associates were from all over the world.
Changing my credit cards, DL, passport and everything else under the sun, was a total pain in the ass once I did decide to hyphenate. And the ONLY reason I decided to do that was because I didn’t want my children to have a completely different last name than me.
I loved that my husband didn’t care. He’s secure enough in himself to know that it wouldn’t change our marital status, so what difference did it make.
Ultimately, if you want to change it, then do; but DO NOT let your husband decide for you. We’re not living in the 50s anymore.

Leggs

May 7th, 2009
12:33 pm

I’m really becoming concerned for your safety while asleep and awake. CUTE!

Oprah meant well, but what a mess. I’m with you Raqi. Haven’t eaten in KFC in over 10 years, why start now!

lurker

May 7th, 2009
12:33 pm

SexyC…I was thinking the same. I signed up and then thought okay, not a lot happening that I need to jot it down on some site. Okay…so I’m not alone along those lines. Some dude requested to follow..I said okay but then thought, do I really want you to follow? I went back and blocked him. Think I’ll delete (if possible) that profile.

GRS

May 7th, 2009
12:34 pm

It is an honor and a privelege to take your husband’s last name after marriage. It is also respectful to your husband.

G'Vegas Dawg

May 7th, 2009
12:35 pm

“If you take a Snickers bar out of the wrapper and put a 3 Muskateers wrapper on it, it’s still a 3 Muskateers bar”. A response from an 8th grader when asked the question. Pretty simple huh? Someonw commented on a child changing their last name becuase of a remarriage. There are several different views on this, but, if a man adopts a child and has been their primary caregiver for most of their life, I don’t see a problem with it. However, if you are 20 years old, you’re parents have been divorced for the majority of your life, and your mother remarries a man you have known for maybe 4 years, you don’t take his last name. No matter how rich he is…..Someone from Gainesville actually did this.

LIONESS- Trees are Dangerous!

May 7th, 2009
12:38 pm

LMAO @ Yall! I am working like a slave today.. Goodness :( Going to the cheesecake factory for dessert

lurker

May 7th, 2009
12:39 pm

lot of new monikers today

MELO

May 7th, 2009
12:39 pm

Bet you think great actress too huh. Blinded by azz I see

Nope lurker.
That was like setting up the dining table for the Big dinner.All i wanted to do was post this(non-ignorance),’I hope,pray and trust to God that shes still a virgin!’
Had to find justification for it!
(i hate drilling it into ur head like that-lurker) :lol:

lurker

May 7th, 2009
12:41 pm

for Lioness…”waaaay down in Egypt land, tell old Pharoah to LET MY PEOPLE GOOOOO

Get that dessert girl, you deserve it.

Crystal

May 7th, 2009
12:43 pm

Like Steve Harvey said….”If you want to keep your maiden name from your father, you should have married him!” If a man is good enough to be your husband why not share his last name. Changing your last name will not change who your are!

lurker

May 7th, 2009
12:43 pm

Melo i hate drilling it into ur head like that-lurker

Touche’

Donna P.

May 7th, 2009
12:44 pm

I’ve been married for 13 years now; I took my husband’s last name. I went from a 5-letter maiden name to a 14-letter married name. One of my sisters hyphenates her name as she had a career before she married and wanted to be known professionally by her pre-married career accomplishments. Women have the freedom now to do what they want with their last names. My three nieces, for example, want to tattoo their maiden names on each of their right foot and not take their husband’s last names at all (go figure).

Leggs

May 7th, 2009
12:45 pm

If you keep talking about Beyonce, 2E’s will come on here with her steel toed boots bad mouthing her and her talents!

Perhaps it’s just me, but I don’t get it when people say they can’t change their name to their husband’s name because clients will no longer know who they are. How is that possible when you still deal with your cliehts, face-to-face, phone, email, text. All that has to happen is for them to become familiar w/your new name. Your still the same person with a new last name. Changing ones electronic rolodex (contact list) is very easy to do. Isn’t it???

Leggs

May 7th, 2009
12:47 pm

Yes, I realized I used the wrong “your”!

Ms. Independent

May 7th, 2009
12:48 pm

I made my middle name my maiden name; because I had child that carried my maiden name and I still wanted that association and name recognition; But if my husband gets a divorce, I will no longer carry his name… I will go back to my maiden name; because if he is to remarry I will not want to be associate with another wife with last name…I truly like my Independence. I was 19 when I got married and I felt that way then as I do now.

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while blogging

May 7th, 2009
12:50 pm

Afternoon everyone. I spent 4 hours today standing in a sandstorm. I was glad though because the sandstorms keep the heat down. Anyone need sand for a beach?

On topic: IF I ever got married again and the chick even acted like she didnt want to take my name games over. My last name is so uncommon that I’ve never met anyone with it that wasnt related but she’ll have to adapt. My ex wife asked me if she could keep it after the divorce and I was like hell no.

For you new age chicks since this isnt 50 years ago why get married at all. You’re your own woman, stay solo.

Ared, you and Angie need to call a truce to the ongoing skirmish that is your conversation.

Tazz, I had completely unpacked and put away all my things by 1am on day 1. I’m good at things like that, getting stuff done. I hate having boxes around the house.

DuShawn

May 7th, 2009
12:50 pm

Enter your comments here

GAPeach

May 7th, 2009
12:53 pm

Leggs, I agree completely about work. They’ll find out the new name and go with that. Big deal.

M

May 7th, 2009
12:54 pm

When I was born, my parents did not pick my first name or middle name to go with anything. They picked it to go with the last name I was born with. I kept my name by request of my husband. YES! He asked me to keep it and we’ve been married 14 years with two beautiful daughters. It’s a matter of respect both ways. If he isn’t willing to change his, why should I change mine? Since when is my name not as important as his????

MELO

May 7th, 2009
12:56 pm

but I don’t get it when people say they can’t change their name to their husband’s name because clients will no longer know who they are

U are absolutely right! A lot of the blog responses,male or female are all about group think and/or associations, smetimes.Hanging with the girlz/boys!
When luv hits u like a tonne of bricks, and u are alone,on ur own,in ur space,u do what comes naturally at u,what u think is right,u accustomed to seeing being done etc and do not rationalise the way u do on the blog,talking about ‘What IFs’ and musing on cindirella images/nothings.

Professor

May 7th, 2009
12:57 pm

Greetings!

Donna- How old are your nieces? I am just curious.

I am a traditional person, BUT I will not change my name if I get married. The only way I would change my name if children where involved and I would definitely use that hyphen. And needless to say the entire name-changing thing makes me feel like property, an asset, something that was merely acquired and/or purchased. Finally I am proud of all of my accomplishments both personal and professional and they were done under this name. So, why change that? Daddy’s name is bringing his little girl luck!

Eweezy@

May 7th, 2009
12:59 pm

I have a friend who has been maried for years and actually took his wife’s name. I thought that was great!

AmazonRed™

May 7th, 2009
1:00 pm

lot of new monikers today

Lurker, MIA made the AJC homepage today.

AmazonRed™

May 7th, 2009
1:01 pm

you and Angie need to call a truce to the ongoing skirmish that is your conversation.

And Truth, you need to give up that dream. :lol:

Poppa Grande

May 7th, 2009
1:05 pm

And Truth, you need to give up that dream

I have.