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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

It’s Not A Guy Thing

I know men are often blamed for being the ones that hate confrontation, but it’s not a guy thing. Plenty of women detest having long drawn out discussions about “where is this going” or “what are you thinking/feeling”. I know this because I lean toward the, so called guy side in these situations. In a relationship, I don’t like the uncomfortable confrontations that will surely come with a new relationship.

I’m the type that just likes to say what’s bothering me and move on – quickly. I don’t want to dwell on it or dissect it. I’m also the type that cuts her losses really quick when I notice things going south with a new guy. There was a guy who insisted on calling me repeatedly after we decided we weren’t going to work. He would engage me in these heated discussions and it was draining. Why can’t I ever date the men who avoid confrontations like I do?

Guys, have you ever dated a woman who was like you in the sense that she hated confrontations? Do you think that was a good thing or a bad one? How did that play out when you really needed to get something off your chest?

Ladies, do you think men avoid confrontation because the way women react when things get intense? Have you found a way to handle the confrontations with a little bit of finesse that won’t make the man cringe or run for the hills?

What do you do when you lose interest in someone new and there is not really a “break up” needed, but the person confronts you about where they stand?

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone! Where will you be celebrating?

296 comments Add your comment

Grace

May 5th, 2009
10:14 am

I’m the type that just likes to say what’s bothering me and move on quickly – that’s me right there

Bill I have to agree with Truth on this one. My question is why didn’t she call you instead of sending you a Dear Bill letter?

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 5th, 2009
10:14 am

Truth “Know the chick you’re dealing with and all this becomes clear”

Actually very good advice. Understanding women is like trying to hit a moving target sometimes, or peeling an onion one layer at a time. It does seem that I have tended to understand a woman the best AFTER she is way back in the rear view mirror. If I could just figure things out before I’ve finished the book, life would be great.

But I do agree with you, that if one can figure out what the lady really wants early, then it is a whole lot easier to cut one’s losses.

Dan

May 5th, 2009
10:20 am

@Raqi

I agree with your 9:54 as well.

But the “planning the marriage” is extreme, if I haven’t asked (or she hasn’t) that’s foolishness.

@ARed

I do spin things to get to the root of it. Becuase I’ve found that the women I’m dating aren’t asking “the” question, but some version of it that they think is acceptable to me. Now I don’t preface all of my statement on here in that fashion and perhaps I should.

Typically, like Randy stated, the argument isn’t “the” argument and [from my experience] the question is not “the” question. That’s where that strong comes in for me ask me exactly what you want to know and say exactly what you mean. (the nebulous you)

MELO

May 5th, 2009
10:21 am

$Bill so how are u supporting the graduate girl,u spending more time with her kids instead??
Ur topic is actually more fun discussing than Wise Diva’s.

$ Bill

May 5th, 2009
10:21 am

Grace: We had actually talked about everything on a few occasions. It wasn’t until she discovered how much time and effort was involved with her medically classes that I received that message.

By the way, we did get to know each other very well as far ad wants/needs/goals. I just learned to understand that it’s not all about me all the time.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
10:25 am

Dan – Yes all your spinning makes folks dizzy. This message board posts in black and white so that’s what I see things in.

You stated earlier that if a woman wants to have the conversation, “It just reeks of insecurity to me”

Yet you say that you don’t want to have the converstation and it’s not insecurity.

So using logic a “teller” is insecure, but a “show-er” is not. It’s two different ways to get to the same destination. So why is the one you don’t do the insecure way? Just because you don’t prefer that method?

Again, I’m using logic, so why is it insecure to go one route (telling) and not your route (showing)?

Sassy Me....tastes like candy :-)

May 5th, 2009
10:28 am

What it do blog fam?!

Guys, have you ever dated a woman who was like you in the sense that she hated confrontations?

I one of those women who don’t like to argue ’cause all that shyt does is raise my blood pressure and I don’t have time for that. If I have an issue I’ll state it and be done…I’d rather talk and reason,agree or agree to disagree and keep it moving. I know couples who aren’t happy unless there is some dumb ish poppin’ off and I can’t fathom that being me…EVER.

$ BILL I understand your friend having to stay focused for school and her chirren but there is a thing we professionals call TACT and she should/could have used just a little with the way she told you what she was going through. However if she,for whatever reasons, just doesn’t want to be bothered with YOU then press on my man…press on. Don’t be salty though….it’s her loss.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 5th, 2009
10:31 am

@$Bill …”By the way, we did get to know each other very well as far ad wants/needs/goals”.

Good start but be very careful with this statement. It is dangerous to assume that what someone tells you in June still applies in December. I can tell you from experience (thus the screen name) that sometimes early in a relationship a woman may not be totally clear to you or even to herself about what she really wants. A conversation is just a snapshot in time about what a person is thinking on that day at that time. Like the weather outside, it can change daily, weekly, monthly, as that person evolves, so a person has to always keep trying to determine in a relationship what the other needs/wants.

Been there, done that…I can show you the t-shirts.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
10:37 am

It is dangerous to assume that what someone tells you in June still applies in December. I can tell you from experience (thus the screen name) that sometimes early in a relationship a woman may not be totally clear to you or even to herself about what she really wants.

This is human nature period. Change the parameters of a situation, and the opinions will change, much like the seasons.

That’s why communcation is important. Even if the person you’re with would rather avoid it.

Dan

May 5th, 2009
10:41 am

@Ared

Great question.

From my perspective as a do-er I percieve affection in acts performed by me and for me. So I take your point that is was dismissive to call someone else’s expressiong (in this case “telling”) as insecure. Maybe I was wrong to state it like that, but again, my perspective says that “telling” is not always necessary.

But that’s why I’m open to it. If I discern that the woman that I’m dating needs me to tell her that, that’s fine; and I’ll work to do that for her.

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while blogging

May 5th, 2009
10:43 am

Bill, my last comments on this one. Like Grace said if she cared she could have said it face to face. You send an email to a knockoff or someone you dont care about or respect. Like I said, good luck.

90% of the convo’s going on dont need to be had. If a cat said what was on his mind every 5 minutes the relationship wouldn’t last but 4. Try thinking about something else. We can either be thinking about the vacation we want to take, our mutually agreed future plans, or how you felt about the way I looked at your yellow dress. Its all our choice.

Fellas, if we dont give a chick something good to think about she’ll create something bad. Share your plans or goals(assuming you have some) with her and if she can’t saddle up with those mosey on down the road. We all know cats that cant even go home because they’ve let that chicks mind run wild for years. Now she’s outta control and saying whatever she likes. This is not acceptable.

Randy, better than trying to figure her out is figure out her temperment. Her temperment tells you all you need to know about her.

Dog story: I had a female presa named Asia that died in 2007. She was the hardest biting dog I’ve EVER seen. She would maul a grown man. Anyway, her first inclination was to bite anyone that got near. That was her natural temperment. You couldn’t train it out of her. Sexycool, JB went out on my deck with her and she turned around and tried to attack him. She was borderline psychotic. Anyway, my point is since I knew this about her I had to take precautions whenever I had her around people, or dogs or other animals. Same thing with a chick or dude. If they get all fired up because the waiter seems too slow thats their natural temperment. You can work with them but internally whenever that happens they’re going to get pissed. Understand their temperment and you can work comfortably with anyone, assuming you’re comfortable with yourself.

Sorry, you all know I love throwing dog stories in every now and then. LOL

Ared, hey boo boo snookems. I’m so glad we dont have these concerns in our love relationship. Oh the joy.

LIONESS- Loving Life!

May 5th, 2009
10:43 am

Good Morning All :)

Why is it considered a confrontation instead of a conversation? Communication is key in a relationship so why call it a confrontation when it is actually just a conversation.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 5th, 2009
10:44 am

@ARED “That’s why communcation is important. Even if the person you’re with would rather avoid it”.

I agree 100%, even under the best of circumstances, relationships are tough. I know few, if any, relationships that have endured and prospered without continued communications.

MELO

May 5th, 2009
10:44 am

until she discovered how much time and effort was involved with her medically classes that I received that message

And the message came to u by way of an email..she sent me an e-mail letting me know where her focus needed to be during this REALLY stressful period….from somebody who really cares for u the sameway u do for her???!!!! HA :twisted:

My mayne…do u need me to check ur eyes coz u maybe going blind here….
So again,are u the one taking care of the kids more now since shes in school or they are hands off to u as well…..???

Grace

May 5th, 2009
10:46 am

Bill I understand your friend having goals and focusing on them aside of being a single parent, my props to her. It seems that now is the time that she would need you the most especially with having 3 kids and trying to do her studies and day to day living.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
10:47 am

So I take your point that is was dismissive to call someone else’s expressiong (in this case “telling”) as insecure.

Thanks Dan. That’s pretty much what I’m getting at.

It’s never easy to have those difficult conversatoins. Especially when it’s with someone you like and when you know that the outcome may not mean “happily ever after” with that person. To me, it takes a lot of strength to go there. It’s often much easier to stick youer head in the sand.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 5th, 2009
10:47 am

@Truth “Randy, better than trying to figure her out is figure out her temperment. Her temperment tells you all you need to know about her”.

Interesting point. I think I agree but let me think about it some.

SexyCool

May 5th, 2009
10:49 am

When you know who you are and what you want, you can set some expectations upfront. Nothing wrong with having conversations from time to time to make sure that you are moving along at the same pace and that the understanding is understood. No use in any one who is capable of communicating verbally to sit around with questions or making assumptions.

I think that some women tend to be hesitant to bring up the topic because they don’t want to ’scare him off.’ Well, for me, if a logical adult conversation rattles you, then you AIN’T the one for me.

Three Words Daily – Elevate your mind.

MELO

May 5th, 2009
10:49 am

Dog story: I had a female presa named Asia……. Anyway, my point is since I knew this
Forget it Truth,6′Lis gonna bust in anytime soon to kick ur azz on that comparison of ur dog with chicks, LMAOF :lol:

Dan

May 5th, 2009
10:50 am

@Bill

She’s told you what you needed to know in the (non-confrontational) email.

I think what’s being said is valid. Don’t keep worrying about the way in, she closed the door.

It’s hard, folks (believe me I know), but the relationship you want is not want she wants (if not now, maybe not from you). Take that you did what could for it and move on.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
10:51 am

Ared, hey boo boo snookems. I’m so glad we dont have these concerns in our love relationship. Oh the joy.

Truth, I am glad too, jujubee. I love how you recognized my temperment and love me anyway. *mwah*

Grace

May 5th, 2009
10:52 am

“she’s left the door open to future possibilities”….Sorry, but she didn’t. That door closed when she sent you the email. Bill take it for face value, she’s moving on with her life and you’re nowhere in the equation. I don’t know how much you’ve invested in the relationship but from what you’ve written you’ve invested a lot. It’s unfair but it is what it is.

Dan

May 5th, 2009
10:52 am

@ARed

Truth stated it better than I have. It’s not about not wanting to have the conversation, my temperment does require me to have it. And given the woman, that’s fine.

But as you learn a person, you learn what works for them and adjust (should you choose to).

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
10:54 am

I think that some women tend to be hesitant to bring up the topic because they don’t want to ’scare him off.’ Well, for me, if a logical adult conversation rattles you, then you AIN’T the one for me.

Great point SexyCool. Many of us women are painted with that same “illogical and irrational” brush when it’s not always warrented.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
10:56 am

Truth stated it better than I have

Which is common.

Go ahead and spin it Dan. That’s not what you were talking about before, nor was that really my point. I was asking why she had to be insecure to want have the conversation.

But whatever dude. Glad someone articulated what you couldn’t seem to. :|

$ Bill

May 5th, 2009
10:56 am

All: I haven’t given all of the details, but I do appreciate the feedback.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 5th, 2009
11:00 am

In reading Dan’s 10:50 post to Bill, I am reminded of how we all want so desperately sometimes for everyone to be reading the tea leaves the wrong way, thinking that they just do not understand all of the facts. We think that the other party is just “going through a phase” and will regain his/her senses…so we keep hoping and making excuses to others who are telling us what is obvious to them.

The sad part is that almost always everyone sees the truth before the injured party…been there, done that also. I was dating “The Flake” several years ago. We would have an absolutely incredible night together, and then late the next day she would start “thinking” and start lacing up those “New Balances” and doing her best imitation of the “Runaway Bride”. Everyone around me said “yes she is great looking, but SHE IS A FLAKE!!!”. I would make excuses for her, when everyone BUT ME could see the truth. Unfortunately the truth was not what I WANTED to hear.

Sorry Bill, but I agree with Dan and the others…she is trying to “gently suggest” that it is time to move on.

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while blogging

May 5th, 2009
11:07 am

Ared my wittle love lump, that reminds me of Poppa saying “he knows the crazy” he has to deal with. I understand clearly what he means now.

Sexy azz cool chick, if you meet a cat and he’s walking the talk doesn’t that answer most of your questions? I mean, alot fo the confusion comes from a cats words and actions not adding up. True or False? Please circle the correct answer.

Bill, no problem. We’re always here for ya buddy. LMAO

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 5th, 2009
11:10 am

@Bill…perhaps the best solution is to tell her that you agree and you will start seeing others…and do it. It may be a whole Smoky Robinson “Tracks of my Tears” thing, but if she is just “confused” then this will bring her out of her “confusion” really quickly. If not, you have taken the first step toward moving on.

This is what I would do, but then what do I know?

MELO

May 5th, 2009
11:10 am

Randy, i asked him a simple qstion,he wont answer.We dont know all the details,he says.
Thats sounds like beautiful(cali girl), slamming the door shut with her bye-all hair flip, when the going gets tough and she decides to bolt. :lol:

SexyCool

May 5th, 2009
11:13 am

And you shall know The Truth – If the understanding is understood and if he’a walking the talk, then I agree. The need for a conversation lessens. However, what in the heck is wrong with talking to each other?

Yes, I want to SEE you in action, but being who I am, HEARING you confirm with words is like foreplay. If you are DOING the right thing and SAYING it too, you can get anything I’ve got.

You're the perfect VERSE over a tight BEAT!

May 5th, 2009
11:17 am

morning bloggers. BEAUTIFUL here trying to get out the house in 10 mins! doesn’t look good.

women over exaggerate everything! if i was a man i’ll walk away too.

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while blogging

May 5th, 2009
11:23 am

Cool, I mean lets say we meet and I’m showing interest and am available when you call, to a certain degree, and we’re making plans to do things and so forth. Do I then need to tell you that I enjoy your company and want more of it or is the bond we’re creating enough to suffice? Let me know so I can type out my intentions and email you a copy right now.

I’ve had chicks tell me so much shyt its not worth repeating but the ones I remember were the ones that were doing vs saying. Personally I could care less what is said but am very concerned with what is done. And I thought you dug my foreplay? Is my sex wack? Ooops, I shouldn’t have said that here, huh?

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 5th, 2009
11:24 am

Yup Melo, there is a reason for the old adage “Love is Blind” (but they need to add, “…and Dayum Stupid” too). I can say this with much practical experience. I have done some of the dumbest things in my life because of women (i.e, waxing my back, MTF that hurt like a byitch…my first and my last experience with that…I tremble now when I think about it). I look back now at some of the many stupid things I have done, and just say “what the hellz was I thinking?” LOL

Foots

May 5th, 2009
11:25 am

Bill I’m pretty interested to hear the rest of the story. Something happened between you two that scared her off and prompted that email. School and kids are just a convenient scape goat for her. Did you ask more of her than she was willing to give right now or pushing her to make some sort of decision regarding you?

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

May 5th, 2009
11:29 am

TRUTH…As-salaam Wa’alaykum habibi!

Foots

May 5th, 2009
11:29 am

the ones I remember were the ones that were doing vs saying. Personally I could care less what is said but am very concerned with what is done

Not necessarily directed at you Truth, but that doesn’t come as a surprise, because most men are “doers” by nature, so they respond well to that. So in addition to understanding a woman’s temperament, a man also needs to understand that men and women are different, he may be a doer and she might be a feeler/talker. Her way is not wrong, it’s just different than yours, and is just as valid. Just as women indulge men by doing it their way from time to time, indulge us by doing it our way from time to time.

SexyCool

May 5th, 2009
11:30 am

Truth – Why do you have to be in charge ALL THE TIME? Every now and then, can’t you give it to me the way I want it?

Besides, there’s more than one kind of foreplay. You’ve got to be able to excite my mind before you can enter my body.

As to YOUR sex, well, I would have to ask someone who knows.

$ Bill

May 5th, 2009
11:32 am

Foots: YES. I wanted more.

Foots

May 5th, 2009
11:35 am

What do you do when you lose interest in someone new and there is not really a “break up” needed, but the person confronts you about where they stand?

The last time this happened, everything was going along fine until he said something that let me know that he was about 50 pages ahead of me. I had to let him know that I wasn’t on that page and that if it was a problem for him, maybe we should just be friends. He assured me that he could be patient, but I had to take the out. It’s not that he did anything wrong, per se, I knew he was the type who would be really hurt months down the road if I never developed the type of feelings he had. And I didn’t see myself developing them, so I had to vacate for his sake.

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while blogging

May 5th, 2009
11:37 am

Randy, thats the joy of relationships. You get to do stupid shyt and chalk it up to experience. Its not that serious, you look back and laugh. Now if you continue to do dumb shyt that you know isnt right then that should make you wanna slap yourself. Some folks act like they’ve been beat because they spent to much or gave to much or whatever. Thats where you were at that moment so learn and move on. My .02

Beautiful, the back of your dress is caught in your underwear elastic and your azz is showing. I thought I’d let you know before you ran out the door.

Foots, I think he’s so understanding that shyt irked the hell out of her. My .02 I know chicks say they want a dude thats understanding but something just doesn’t seem right about a cat like that.

Raqi

May 5th, 2009
11:37 am

I am all for having a doer however we still have to establish what it is we are doing. That can only be determined by having a conversation.

Kym--is like Whoa!

May 5th, 2009
11:39 am

Good Morning/Afternoon all,

Yeah I am pretty much a shoot from the hip type of woman. I don’t mind a good arguement now and then(keeps you regular) But I will admit I have my moments of whateva..and just walk away. They are rare..and lawd knows it has taken some special menfolks to get me to back off. But it has happen.

Foots

May 5th, 2009
11:41 am

Bill That’s why she did what she did. She could handle the school, the kids, the layoff, the divorce AND you, until you started demanding more from her. Then she just saw you as something else she needed to DO. And she has enough to DO. She probably wishes that you wouldn’t have said anything so that you could remain in her life because she likes you, but I’ve been in that place before, that if one more person asks me for one more thing, that person has to go.

Keep your distance for a while, and if you want to, shoot her an email in a month or so to ask her how the kids are and how school is going. Say nothing about you and her and don’t even ask her about herself. She might not answer if you do. Choose the two topics that she will want to converse about: her children and her education. She will talk about that, and eventually ask you about how you are doing. That may be your entrance into friendship.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 5th, 2009
11:43 am

Truth…I agree. I would not trade the stupid shyte I’ve done, because it is funny when I look back…but I have learned from each mistake, screw up, whatever. The ones that cry and moan about how they are “so mistreated” and yet have a pattern of putting themselves into the same position with the same kind of SO again and again do make me a bit nauseous. I have no sympathy at all for them.

Everyone makes mistakes, unless they are in a cemetary somewhere…but LEARN from them. It is not rocket science.

$ Bill

May 5th, 2009
11:45 am

Foots: How can I contact you?

Dan

May 5th, 2009
11:47 am

And Foots, I’mma disagree with you there (11:41),

If Bill still wants more and she doesn’t, don’t be the guy “waiting” on her to come around Bill. If you know you want more from her, you’re only pretending to be her friend. This is not Hollywood, she will not see what a great guy you are, you will not pass GO, you will not collect the $200.

IF you still want more Bill, walk away, a get over the loss. She doesn’t want to give you more. And should the time come that she does want you, it’s on her to tell you then – you should not be standing waiting for a bus that may never come. You might miss out on a better ride.

Dan

May 5th, 2009
11:48 am

@Randy

You and me both brother you and me both.

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while blogging

May 5th, 2009
11:51 am

Foots, point well taken and well said. I shall ponder that as well as the meaning of life and get back to you. Really, I didnt look at it from that point of view so I’m trying to stall to come up with an equally snazzy reply. Hold on, my phone is ringing. LOL

Staceye, wa’ alaykum as-salaam baby

LIONESS- Loving Life!

May 5th, 2009
11:52 am

These comments are DEEP!!

Bill- WOW!!