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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

It’s Not A Guy Thing

I know men are often blamed for being the ones that hate confrontation, but it’s not a guy thing. Plenty of women detest having long drawn out discussions about “where is this going” or “what are you thinking/feeling”. I know this because I lean toward the, so called guy side in these situations. In a relationship, I don’t like the uncomfortable confrontations that will surely come with a new relationship.

I’m the type that just likes to say what’s bothering me and move on – quickly. I don’t want to dwell on it or dissect it. I’m also the type that cuts her losses really quick when I notice things going south with a new guy. There was a guy who insisted on calling me repeatedly after we decided we weren’t going to work. He would engage me in these heated discussions and it was draining. Why can’t I ever date the men who avoid confrontations like I do?

Guys, have you ever dated a woman who was like you in the sense that she hated confrontations? Do you think that was a good thing or a bad one? How did that play out when you really needed to get something off your chest?

Ladies, do you think men avoid confrontation because the way women react when things get intense? Have you found a way to handle the confrontations with a little bit of finesse that won’t make the man cringe or run for the hills?

What do you do when you lose interest in someone new and there is not really a “break up” needed, but the person confronts you about where they stand?

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone! Where will you be celebrating?

296 comments Add your comment

Leo

May 5th, 2009
8:40 am

I think that if two people have a lot in common then confrontations should be rare and minimal. I am not attracted to someone who overreacts or is not in control of actions and reactions. You should be able to talk as you go along – I avoid “the talk” about where something is going. I can see that without confronting him. A relationship should be fun and flow naturally, why complicate things?

Tmac

May 5th, 2009
8:41 am

you are one of those lying woman :) sorry. Most woman I met declare she doesnt like nonsense argument and after first date, or second date at best start comming up with shyyyyt. So, No I dont believe a bit, if a woman says seh isnt into argument. Matter of fact, woman love argument.

Professor

May 5th, 2009
8:42 am

Good Morning and Happy Cinco de Mayo!

What do you do when you lose interest in someone new and there is not really a “break up” needed, but the person confronts you about where they stand?

With a new person this is the one time I play the passive role and just ignore the person if they keep calling or texting me. I find it very awkward trying to explain an ending on something without a beginning.

ImAPeach404

May 5th, 2009
8:42 am

Yo LEO, let us know when you wake up…

$ Bill

May 5th, 2009
8:44 am

It’s been a LONG time!

I’m in the middle of this situation right now. My lady friend is in school full time and the mother of three. In order to focus her attention on school and the needs of her kids, she sent me an e-mail letting me know where her focus needed to be during this REALLY stressful period. There’s a LOT at stake for her because of a past divorce and layoff, so I’ve had to give her her time and space to do what she NEEDS to do. It’s been stressful and tough on us both. I couldn’t even get a hug because of the emotions that are involved.

It’s been hard and she’s left the door open to future possibilities, but she needed to emotionally separate herself from me in order to not neglect her kids and to focus on school.

Raqi

May 5th, 2009
8:47 am

I am the type that likes to end confront. Or rather resolve. Settle. Close. And issue that is not mended is sure to rear its ugly head again and sometimes I feel like an avoidance of confrontation is a tactic to not deal with it. Not dealing with it does not solve the issue. The issue remains. I’m not talking about keeping a matter going for reason at all but I am talking about solving it. All matters not ended remain matters.

If we go ahead and talk about we can get past it that much quicker. I don’t like to fight but I am going to stand my ground and speak my peace. Do not ask or expect me to do differently. It’s my right.

I don’t nag neither do I complain about dumb crap. Nor do I instigate confrontations. So grant me the privilege to say what I have to say and let’s find an end to the matter.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
8:49 am

Good morning! Ah yes, Cinco de Mayo. Yes, my girls and I are drinkers, so a table is being secured at 4 p.m. and it’s going all night. We’ll catch the Hawks game at the bar.

WiseDiva – you ready to let the cat out the bag about Blanca yet? She’s not coming back, is she?

ImAPeach404

May 5th, 2009
8:49 am

You know what I’ve noticed… often times when you have a “discussion” with a guy about anything halfway serious or regarding something that you may have differing opinions on – it’s considered an “argument”.

That annoys me like nothing else! It’s all about perception really. If dude views a conversation as an argument, then now you’re a woman who likes to argue when that actually may not be the case.

Hell, I just like to be clear. And if me being clear is perceived as me arguing how is one to fix that? Never talk about anything you don’t agree on??? Hellz no! Thats not going to work. And I’m not talking about a conversation that is loud, or necks rolling and fingers waving. I’m just talking about a simple conversation where my view is different than yours… can anybody help me a sistah out?

Dan

May 5th, 2009
8:54 am

I’mma agree with Leo

With all the things that I have going currently and the things I’m trying to “get off the ground”, why add the stress of a conversation about “where this going” conversation?

It just reeks of insecurity to me. Now if the conversation is broached, I’ll have it.

ImAPeach404

May 5th, 2009
8:55 am

RED – if I were Blanca I wouldn’t come back to this piece either. Folks acted like it was a HS clique and she was the new girl. It was really quite childish. I never understood why grown people would dog her about some of the topics she posted – hell, if you don’t have anything to say regarding the topic, don’t blog that day…

I wouldn’t be surprised if she dipped. Tough crowd.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
8:56 am

Now, on to the topic. In the past, I’ve been wary of confronting a guy on things for a couple of reasons: 1) I didn’t want to come across a difficult or a nag 2) because I felt that I was asking questions I already knew the answer to, so what is the point.

One thing that my last relationship (and Steve Harvey’s book) reminded me is this: I don’t demand a lot, and I don’t have unrealistic expectations. In addition, I’m an equal player in the relationship and my needs are important too. So since closed mouths don’t get fed, I’ll make my expecations and standards known. So now, either you’re with the program or you’re not. Your choice.

Things became much more simple again after that.

Texas Boy

May 5th, 2009
8:58 am

WHAT! Blancas not coming BACK???!!!!!

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
8:58 am

Peach – Bella got dogged out but Blanca was doing a pretty good job. I don’t think the room was too tough for her, but hey, I guess some folks can’t take criticism on any level. *shrugs*

I’m just thinking she was a victim of downsizing that’s going on at the AJC.

Dan

May 5th, 2009
8:58 am

@Peach

What is there to be clear about? In general what are the questions that you’re asking?

mytw♥cents

May 5th, 2009
9:03 am

PEACHY You are not in that parallel universe alone. But it seems to extend across genders in life. Folk can be soooo sensitive…

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
9:03 am

It just reeks of insecurity to me. Now if the conversation is broached, I’ll have it.

Dan – you seem to enjoy throwing out the insecurity card. People aren’t mind readers. You can “show” someone you care about them but some people are “tell” people and need to hear it.

There is nothing wrong with talking to someone you are dating and having a conversation to make sure you are on the same page. How is someone insecure for wanting to make sure the person they are seeing is in pursuit of the same things?

mytw♥cents

May 5th, 2009
9:04 am

Note: This does not make you/me “insensitive” by default…

Raqi

May 5th, 2009
9:06 am

often times when you have a “discussion” with a guy about anything halfway serious or regarding something that you may have differing opinions on – it’s considered an “argument”.

Peach exactly. It’s like the only thing worth talking about is what is good for them with some of these men folk. And what’s funny is some of them say that want a woman who has an opinion, who is bright and intelligent however as they would have it she better not voice that opinion if it clashes with his or else she likes to argue. Do you all want a “yes man” or a mate?

MELO

May 5th, 2009
9:07 am

In order to focus her attention on school and the needs of her kids, she sent me an e-mail letting me know where her focus needed to be during this REALLY stressful period

Hey…..hey,hey,anybody there?? $Bill,are u there??!! :lol: Did u type that??!!
I pray that u arent being played by a mother of three :grin: Seriously!!
She send u an email…ha?? U Right!!

ImAPeach404

May 5th, 2009
9:08 am

RED – oooooh, the evil “downsizing”. Thats always a theory. Good thinking…

DAN – nothing specific really. But, you know, kind of what Raqi said. I’d rather just go ahead and talk about things so there won’t be any confusions and we both understand each other. I can think of something that happened very recently that – after the fact – I was told “Well, I don’t like to argue” and it wasn’t even anywhere close to an argument in my mind. But… I won’t bore you and the others with that.

Raqi

May 5th, 2009
9:08 am

Dan that just goes right back to what was discussed last week. Whatever you don’t verbalize or commit to you cannot be held to. You all call it “just being” but some of us (me) call it avoidance.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 5th, 2009
9:10 am

I confess that I have a tendency to overanalyze things also. Okay…enough said, and I don’t want to discuss it anymore ;-)

Professor

May 5th, 2009
9:12 am

$ Bill, I can understand where your girl is coming from. I was in grad school full time (sometimes took on an extra load) and working full time and for a 1 ½ I probably went on two dates. When I started grad school I knew I needed to break things off with my SO at the time.

My actions as it relates to talking/arguing depend on how I see the relationship. Is there anything worth salvaging or am I wasting my time on something that does not exist or have an awkward conversation.

Dan

May 5th, 2009
9:15 am

@ARed

I throw it out there because what is the basis of asking the question “who/what am I to you” after months/years of dating? A woman that is confident in herself don’t ask that question, period. It is asking someone to set a floor under a relationship.

Now “are we exclusively dating” [are you seeing/with anyone else]? Valid question. And I dig the “language of love” stuff, if a woman needs to hear me state it, fine.

As for the “same page” that’s part of the first couple of months and in done in declarative statements like “I’m not dating just to date, I want a relationship that lead to…”. I don’t feel that it’s an unreasonable point to make. You’ve stated your intentions and it’s on the other party to make that decision to move forward.

But a conversation about “where we are” more than once in a 6 month/ 1 year time frame seems more like “validation” than anything. JMHO

Raqi

May 5th, 2009
9:15 am

It has got to be a miserable life to walk around holding your stance and opinion in because you fear being labeled argumentative by your mate or the opposite sex. Heck we are two grown adults and we both have a right to say what we want even when is opposes what you think.

Heck if you want a mute, get you a mail order bride that doesn’t speak your language.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
9:16 am

Peach – Even Bella came on here and told us it was her last day. Jazzyone in turn came on here and basically told her to go hell. :lol: I think we did Blanca better than that, so she might have said bye. :lol:

MELO

May 5th, 2009
9:17 am

Dan,actually there is nothing wrong with a girl asking about “where this is going” as long as u and her are somewhat in sync.But when ur priorities and hers are not aligned and all u want is smash and play, i can see how that can be a nag and bother.
I was the same.
Whats wrong with 2 adults talking things over??

discussion” with a guy about anything halfway serious or regarding something that you may have differing opinions on – it’s considered an “argument”
I dont know about that but if u are having constant arguments on most topics,check the mirror and ur sorroundings,u may be in the wrong place!
Ladies, if u date guys of the same age, u bound to run across guys like that who dont see eye to eye becoz guys are generally slower in their maturity level.Try dating 3 years + older.Just my two on this.
But there is no reason any guy should run away from discussing the long term issues.Either hes in it with u or hes not but a lot times chics dont wanna confront the guy on that issue,coz they like/luv him so much and fear he will dip!!

MissQC ;)

May 5th, 2009
9:19 am

Morning Bloggers….have a great day :)

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
9:19 am

A woman that is confident in herself don’t ask that question, period.

Keep thinking that if you want to Dan. Relationships change, people change. If smooth sailing was happening months 1-6 and in month 7 someone has been distracted by a co-worker or someone else, trust that there may be a relationship check in.

And for someone who has fallen victim to getting their wires crossed with people, you should be open to having any conversation that brings clarity in your life without having to brand someone as “insecure.”

But hey, I will never care, I don’t have to date you. So do what you feel is best.

Raqi

May 5th, 2009
9:20 am

A woman that is confident in herself don’t ask that question, period.

Dan why not ask? Do you all prefer a woman to assume what is? See for some going out and engaging in couple activities for several months and sometimes years is considered dating. A relationship. But guys that think like you are known to say you never agreed that it was dating or a relationship so it is not. Just kicking it.

Dan

May 5th, 2009
9:20 am

It’s not avoidance, Raqi. Not at all.

And I guess my way of proving validation is by doing as opposed to saying. While not opposed to saying it, I’d rather not have to.

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while blogging

May 5th, 2009
9:20 am

Bill, a mother of 3 not needing a cat she really cares for? Reread that letter with the fugg you decoder. That chick is gone. Coudn’t even get a hug? Wow.

Ared, Blanca was looking for the door from the minute she came in with that “looking for approval” bs. Talk about hsish, you had to dumb down and think back to the day when you cared what the fugg your friends thought. Couldn’t open up on time 60% of the time and never popped in. Yeah, she was just passing through.

On topic: I say whats on my mind then I’m on to another topic. I did something to last gf and she got home and called and told me I hurt her feelings about something I did. I apologized and we went on. Thats was cool.

Off topic: I just had a convo with my cabby and he was teaching me new arabic words. This is really getting to be pretty cool. We swapped numbers and he said he’ll work with me whenever I need it. I’m on my way to learning arabic. I’m pumped.

ImAPeach404

May 5th, 2009
9:21 am

RED – I’m with you on the “not wanting to come across as difficult/nag”. I hold back a lot for trying to be “the cool chick”.

MYTWO – Thanks. Sometimes I wonder if I’m alone in my ways…

DAN – to piggyback on what Red said about “showing” and “telling”… you should read “The Five Love Languages”. If you’re not into reading, I can hit you off with a synopsis

RAQI – Chile, they don’t know WHAT they want.

BILL – Don’t listen to Melo.

Dan

May 5th, 2009
9:24 am

@Raqi

But you’re reffering to “guys” in general. Getting to know someone is about getting to know how/when they communicate.

As far as a conversation, I can have a conversation about most anything with anyone, I’m not opposed to it.

@Melo

When you’re actively dating someone, these conversations come up in discussion about goals and plans. I’m not talking about those, I’m talking about the monthly/quarterly check in’s.

mytw♥cents

May 5th, 2009
9:26 am

RAQI Your 9:06 reminds me to say that you will really like Crisette Michelle’s song Porcelain Doll (if u like her style)cuz ur Raqi & cuz of how much you liked Spotlight. Now STACEYE will Love It, but then she may have actually written it after listenin’ to those lyrics.

Raqi

May 5th, 2009
9:29 am

TwoLincolns I will check her out. Thanks.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
9:31 am

While not opposed to saying it, I’d rather not have to.

That sounds like insecurity to me. And definitely “avoidence” as Raqi put it. Not everyone will interpret “doing” the same way. Some of the things you “do” may be things they interpret as something different than what your intention.

$ Bill

May 5th, 2009
9:41 am

Melo and Truth: I hear you and looked at ALL of that. There’s no game and no BS. Just straight “truth” from someone trying to make something of herself. Before school started, the time AND effort was there with no pretense. This is someone that IS genuine, which is RARE in ATL. All I can do is be there for her and not be an overly egotistical man.

Thanks for the support Peach!

Raqi

May 5th, 2009
9:41 am

Dan I know this has never, ever, eva happened to a red blooded man residing on God’s green earth (sarcasm noted) but if it should ever take place, how would he (you) feel if after investing time into a woman and relationship she let it be known that you all are just friends. Just kicking it. Hanging out. Potnahs. You are loving her and you think she is loving you, but in her mind yall just cool. NO heat whatsoever.

Would not asking the right questions at the appropriate time eliminate the devastation and wasted time?

Assumptions just makes an @ss of all involved.

$ Bill

May 5th, 2009
9:45 am

Thanks for sharing your experience Profeesor!

Dan

May 5th, 2009
9:46 am

@ARed

It’s not avoidance or insecurity. It’s me being more apt to show caring rather than to state it.

Dan

May 5th, 2009
9:49 am

It has happened to me Raqi, although I wasn’t in love, but definitely digging the young lady.

And you know what, after having that conversation, we’re still friends and the only that has changed is my focus.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
9:51 am

It’s not avoidance or insecurity

What’s really funny about you Dan is how you are quick to dismiss these “avoidance” or “insecurity” tags…when it certainly looks like it to the rest of us. But then, you’re so quick to brand someone else as being insecure.

Not wanting to have a conversation is avoidance. You may be more “apt” to want to do something else, but you not wanting to have said conversation and certainly not bringing it up yourself is avoidance. Plain and simple.

There are folks out there who are spin doctors, this seems to be something you are. Some folks can pass off ish as roses. But some people are able to see things for what they are, no matter how you spin it.

Professor

May 5th, 2009
9:53 am

NP, Bill I understand when you are trying to work towards a few goals and you are stressed out. I can remember being too tired to eat.

Raqi

May 5th, 2009
9:54 am

WiseDiva this is how I see it. An issue can be like a cancer, if left untreated it will eventually kill the subject (relationship). If it is dealt with in its early stages the infected area can possibly be treated or removed and all made well.

A lot of people die from cancer because they don’t like going to the doctor so they just ignore the symptom or problems hoping it will go away. By the time do go or the cancer causes other problems that forces them to go, it’s to late.

Often in relationships we overlook symptoms or choose not to deal with them and in doing so it is slowly killing the relationship. We jump in at the last moment and try to make it good by often times it soon over takes the relationship. There is no cure. It is too far gone.

That’s why I like to deal with matters as they come, whether he or anyone else see it has confrontation. At least that way we can figure out what needs to be done if anything to rectify the situation.

If your mate is forced to not deal with matters it only festers within them. Give them space to let it out. Find a cure.

LOL WiseDiva not all of that was directed toward you. I was just giving my opinion on the topic as a whole.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
9:57 am

Bravo on your 9:54 Raqi. Well said.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

May 5th, 2009
9:59 am

@Raqi…”An issue that is not mended is sure to rear its ugly head again”. I know there are many blank pages in the book called “All I Have Learned in my Life about Women”, but one thing I HAVE learned is that most arguments with a woman have little or nothing to do with the current issue. It is about something that was left unresolved weeks or months before that has been simmering just under the surface. A man scratches his head and his azz trying to figure out “where did THAT come from, and why is it such a big deal”, when it is not even about the current issue but about something he did before.

If you want harmony in your life, you have two choices as a man, 1) stay away from women completely and become a monk, or 2) learn to NEVER let an issue go unresolved for long because it almost never totally goes away. It is what it is.

Raqi

May 5th, 2009
9:59 am

So Dan what happens when your woman starts planning you all wedding and future based on your aptness of showing caring rather than to state it? Do you buy the house and show up for the wedding?

I know that is reaching a bit, but I am just trying to show where it is important to talk and state certain things. Call it what it is. Or ask the dreaded question.

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while blogging

May 5th, 2009
10:06 am

Bill, when a chick kicks me in the azz I check to verify its a footprint then get gone. Sometimes in love we lose and you gotta pick it the pieces and move on. Anyway, you do you and wait around for new cat to finish busting her azz out the frame and you can be there to mop up the mess.

I swear I try to understand you cats but its beyond me. A dude told me sunday he gave his ex wife 300% and she left him. Thing is he didnt give her the
one thing she wanted, more loot. Know the chick you’re dealing with and all this becomes clear. Good luck.

Btw, when did realizing that a chick doesnt want your azz make you egotistical? We used to call it good sense.

AmazonRed™

May 5th, 2009
10:08 am

I check to verify its a footprint

:lol:

Morning, boo. :)