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Good For Me or Good To Me

There were some really interesting comments made yesterday about “bad girls” and their appeal, or lack thereof. I started to think about how so many of us single people often end up dating people who are good for us. What happens when they are not though? Do you think that it is best to date someone who is good for you or someone who is good to you.  Of course, we would want both all rolled in one person, right?

When someone is good for you, they are good for your personal growth. They challenge and encourage you because they want to see you fulfill your potential. When someone is good to you, they nurture and protect you. You feel cared for because your role in their life is prominent.

Do you prefer dating someone who is good for you or good to you? Do you think you need both in a relationship? Which is more important?

Have you ever dated someone who was not good for you, but they were good to you? How did that work out?

300 comments Add your comment

LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!

April 30th, 2009
8:18 am

Good Morning All :)

I have dated a person who wasn’t either of them to me BUT I was both of them to them.. Go figure.. Now, he is SO much of a better person that it is amazing! I am very happy that I helped him evolve into the person he should be.. Now, I would prefer a person be both but if I had to pick between the two, I would choose good to me cause I have A LOT of people in my life that are goood FOR me already..

ImAPeach404

April 30th, 2009
8:26 am

Mornin’

Sorry, I need BOTH.

Raqi

April 30th, 2009
8:31 am

Excellent Topic WiseDiva.

I am sitting here thinking about all the men that I have dated seriously and placing them in the either or both categories. Of the four relationships that I’ve experienced I had one that was good for me, two only good to me, and one that falls into both categories.
When initially thinking about the two and I say that you cannot separate them, but you can. Someone can be good to you and not for you. However it is harder now to imagine someone being good for you and not to you. My first husband was good for me. He kept me mentally grounded. But I was the sole nurturer and the protector. It was hard back then.

In my present day I cannot have one without the other. I need them both.

I guess it all depends on what it is a person needs and where they are in their life. Some people are just in want/need of a life coach and someone being good for you could fill that spot. Just as well as some one just needing to be nurtured, someone good to you could fill that spot. However, a person filling any need is a person that is good for you.

Damn this is a good thought provoking matter.

MissQC

April 30th, 2009
8:44 am

Morning….great topic WD – have a great day all! ;)

MissQC

April 30th, 2009
8:45 am

I must have both – can’t have one without the other..Demi “are you lurking” :)

i'm swiss

April 30th, 2009
8:55 am

I can see how someone could be good to you but not necessarily good for you — i.e. they treat you well, but maybe don’t share the same goals, interests, ambitions, etc. However, I have a hard time understanding how anyone could be good for you without being good to you. Isn’t being treated well a fundamental component of being good for you? I mean someone could be everything you look for in a mate in terms of success, common goals, interests, etc., but if he/she is an azzhole, then you life with them will still be miserable. At least, I would be.

i'm swiss

April 30th, 2009
8:56 am

Correction: “…your life with them…”

THE MELO

April 30th, 2009
9:00 am

T.G.I.almostF!!!!! havea nice day!!
WISE,u think too much.
When u fall in luv,it just happens.Good to u or good for u is smething u ponder over after the divorce or when hes/shes dead! LMAOFFF :lol:
Later guys!!

Kym-one final down and one to go!

April 30th, 2009
9:00 am

Good Morning All,

I think it is hard to fine a combination of both. Like the saying goes everything that is good to you is not good for you. And frankly you have to know what works for you. Everyone does not need someone to keep them grounded or nurture them. I am a nurturer by nature (ha) so having someone lead and guide me all the time..would be okay at first but get annoying as hell after a few weeks. ( I know where in the hell I am going get out of my lane.) However someone that is good to me would work. I have security issues..and I would like to know that the man in my life is going to be a provider(don’t just mean cash) but a provider of security. Like Heather Headley says. “He needs to be the sole defender of anything I fear.”

Raqi

April 30th, 2009
9:09 am

“He needs to be the sole defender of anything I fear.”

Damn another good future topic. Making note to self Fah-iiind Deee.Vah. an arrrrticle for the ah.bo-vah tah-peck.

AmazonRed™

April 30th, 2009
9:10 am

Morning all –

My first thought was “of course I dated guys who were both” but upon looking forward, they really more fell into the category of good to me, which is a basic requirement. I couldn’t see myself being with someone who wasn’t good to me. What would be the point of that :?:

As for good for me… they may have been good for a LESSON to me. But clearly the dissolution of our relationship means that in the long run he wasn’t good for me, so that’s what needs to happen moving forward. Good for me and to me.

Tazzee - all moved in (sort of)

April 30th, 2009
9:11 am

Morning all!

Dang Diva – this is a thought provoking topic. I’m glad you didn’t post this on Friday ;-)

I definitely prefer both and I think all of the men I’ve dated have had elements of both but not a balance. The guy that I almost married was good for me, but not very good to me. At that time in my life, when I was discovering myself – the good for me was definitely needed, but more than that I needed someone to be good to me. Even now – I think I need a man that is 30% good for me and 70% good to me (if I had to splice it). As far as personal growth – I’ve pretty much got that down pat – as a friend once told me, I have no problem with follow through. So with someone being good for me, I just need a cheerleader every now and then.

But good to me? I know that’s what I need and with my current guy I’m pretty sure that’s what I’ve got.

I would like to know that the man in my life is going to be a provider(don’t just mean cash) but a provider of security. Like Heather Headley says. “He needs to be the sole defender of anything I fear.”

That’s it right there Kym

Cemeeli

April 30th, 2009
9:19 am

Isn’t being treated well a fundamental component of being good for you?

Swissie – Hi man! To answer your question – YES!

If someone ate the corn outta my shhhht (sorry if that’s to graphic), then they are not good for me, but they think they are being “good to me”, by partaking in such drivel.

I’m driving a point here.

Btw- I appreciate your mini English Lesson today. huummm, refreshing. :wink:

Dan

April 30th, 2009
9:20 am

Like Swiss, I couldn’t date someone that wasn’t good to me. And I’ve never had that problem.

But I find that only after the breakup, I start to see that they were good for me. My habits changed, I “see” things differently, and I can trace all that back to the individual ladies that Ive dated.

At the same time, I try to good to the ladies that I get involved with, and in truth, I try to be good for everyone I meet in life (doesn’t always work).

ImAPeach404

April 30th, 2009
9:27 am

But I find that only after the breakup, I start to see that they were good for me. My habits changed, I “see” things differently…</i?

Dan this is what I like to call “The Lesson”. If you’re dating someone and things don’t work out… you must figure out “The Lesson” you were to gain from that situation. Because if you don’t learn anything, all you’ve done is waste your time. Unfortunately sometimes it takes this long to figure out a person was good for you…

i'm swiss

April 30th, 2009
9:27 am

Morning, Cee… That’s quite a metaphor you had there. Glad I didn’t have corn flakes for breakfast. ;-) :lol:

Wise Diva

April 30th, 2009
9:29 am

Good Morning blog crew!

LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!

April 30th, 2009
9:32 am

Peach- I agree!! When people don’t learn from their relationships,they continue to date the same type of people and wonder why..

Thyckness

April 30th, 2009
9:38 am

If I had to make a choice between the two it would have to be for the guy who is good to me. Ideally, both exists in a good relationship.

Cougar Hunter ( My, My, My)

April 30th, 2009
9:49 am

That is a good topic Wise Diva,

I would have not dated anyone thas was not good to me! I have dated women that was good for me! Some women I have dated saw other talents that I could utilized to become a better person mentally, financially and spiritually.

Thyckness: Where is zat thychkness located?

Hello Lioness of the jungle! :smile:

I

Cemeeli

April 30th, 2009
9:52 am

Swiss That’s why i went get my breakfast AFTER i posted. :)

Tazzee Since you are a fan as well – The new Chrisette Michelle “Epiphany” is direct “you’re playin’” track.

Cougar Hunter ( My, My, My)

April 30th, 2009
9:53 am

Good Morning everybody!

Both exists in a good relationship! I agree totally with Ms. Thyckness when you are in a good relationship you will have someone who is good to you and good for you!

Ladies…. Sometimes are you not ready for someone to be good for you?

Raqi

April 30th, 2009
9:54 am

I start to see that they were good for me.

Dan that is one example of “you make me want to be a better person”. And you know often we do not know that a person is being “better” as a result of you. It is not always verbalized but it however does exist in many. That’s a good for you while being good to you.

Rell - Semper Fi

April 30th, 2009
9:55 am

from my experience i need both…..usually i get the ones that are good to me and not for me…

Raqi

April 30th, 2009
9:57 am

they think they are being

Cemeeli IMO it’s a fine line and a catch there. The “for me” and “to me” are based on what the individual desires and needs.

Raqi

April 30th, 2009
10:04 am

You know what Cougar until you realize yourself what is good for you it is often hard to receive someone being good for you. Been there, done that. Only looking at one side of the coin.

As I grew and matured I learned exactly what it is that I needed for me to be ME…a good ME. Only then could I really grasp this person is not only good to me but for me.

There were maybe one or two before him that could have been the to and for, but I wasn’t in a place to see it for what it was. Looking back now I can recognize it. But that was then. I got what I want and need now.

LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!

April 30th, 2009
10:07 am

Hey Cougar :) You are so inquisitive.. Goodness.. Couldn’t help yourself I SEE ;)

mytw♥cents

April 30th, 2009
10:09 am

I can’t imagine being able to accept one without the other and feeling like I’m in a healthy relationship. Which is why I guess I do without at this juncture. I think lots of us sacrifice the combo so as not to be alone. But if you’re all alone in love, what’s the point of the extra body? It’s like the women I’ve witnessed be physically and emotionally drained by their men but he brings ‘things’ and apologizes after the fact… they were able to translate that into him being good to, regardless of him not being good for… Everytime I hear “He Is,” I think I’d love to feel that way about someone.

IV Real will probably come in here with that women are never content, YOU CAN’T TELL HIM HOW TO LOVE YOU, BS. But yes the hell you can! If someone isn’t aware of what translates into you’re feeling well loved, then how can they ever meet or exceed the standard? We’ve gotta have one first and it wouldn’t be fair to have an unidentified goal.

DAN You and a BUNCH of other dudes can’t see the light til she takes her sunshine away…

Raqi

April 30th, 2009
10:11 am

As we all were growing up I would imagine most of our parents were to good to us and they set a law that was good for us. However being kids as kids are we welcomed the good coming to us, but did not care too much for or really understand what they outlined as good for us.

But now I look back and am so glad that my parents gave me what was good for me. It helped in making me the person I am today.

The same is true in relationships. Sometimes that person staring into your eyes is not being a nag, but a motivator.

Life can get hard sometimes and we all need a team. No man is an island.

SexyCool

April 30th, 2009
10:13 am

I will no longer accept anyone who is NOT both. It’s not open to negotiation or discussion. And like Forrest Gump, “That’s all I’ve got to say about that.”

Three Words Daily – Take No Prisoners!

Raqi

April 30th, 2009
10:13 am

And sometimes it doesn’t hurt to look at it from someone else’s POV.

LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!

April 30th, 2009
10:13 am

My Two- DAN You and a BUNCH of other dudes can’t see the light til she takes her sunshine away… Sadly, that is the case with A LOT of men.. Then they want to come running back :(

LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!

April 30th, 2009
10:14 am

Raqi- I agree!

Dan

April 30th, 2009
10:17 am

Well, Raqi

I take for granted that when I date a woman, she’ll be good to me, because the moment I feel as if she isn’t – I speak on it, wait for a change in behavior, and if it doesn’t come – I’m out.

I have no problem not associating with toxic people and for darn sure ain’t about to spend what precious little free time I have with someone that isn’t worth my time.

As for the good for me part, the realization is a byproduct of reflection and self assessment. Every blue moon I’ll do an assessment of my life as it was (thanking God I made it), as it is (thanking God for even the worst of it) and as I want it to be (should He so choose).

During this assessment, I take stock of my own failings and virtues. I try to “Accept the things I cannot change [and ask for], the wisdom to know the difference..” And each time, there someone that I’ve dated or kicked it with that has added a lil something to the soup.

So I tend to thank ‘em for it and KIPP

Beautiful

April 30th, 2009
10:20 am

morning ladies!

great topic WISE! this has been on my mind for the last couple of days.

**When someone is good for you, they are good for your personal growth. They challenge and encourage you because they want to see you fulfill your potential**

this is what i desire . . . a man that’s good for me!

ImAPeach404

April 30th, 2009
10:23 am

I can’t imagine being able to accept one without the other and feeling like I’m in a healthy relationship. Which is why I guess I do without at this juncture.

mytwo WORD!!! I’m doing without now too. Over the weekend I totally experienced “the straw that broke the camels back”. I’m so done with dating and meeting new people. I’m taking a “Manbatical” until June/July. Nobody new! Stop entertaining the old!Cut off the current! And just chill. I don’t want my phone to ring unless it’s my girls or my family. Thats it. I simply can’t take it!!!!!!

^5 SexyCool @ 10:13

Beautiful

April 30th, 2009
10:24 am

@SEXYCOOL
i’ve never had an issue with **good to me**. if he’s **good for me** the other will follow . . . no?

Dan

April 30th, 2009
10:24 am

@My2 and Lioness

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a leech – in that I take what I can from everybody around me.

To the point that “I don’t see [it] til she’s gone” I’m not saying that I don’t see it in the moment. What I am saying is that 1) it’s how you go about “motivation”; 2) even trying to “help” someone, they have to want to change first; 3) you can’t force a square peg into a round hole; and 4)some relationships just are not meant to work (no matter how much you want them to).

While I appreciate the assist(s), it’s not a “wow, I missed that” moment that happens very often, it’s a more subtle recognition that “this changed or that changed”.

And when a relationship is over, it’s over. I can love you for the time we spent together, and the value we added to one another – and never want to do it again.

Raqi

April 30th, 2009
10:26 am

And another thing on what Cougar asked. When speaking of someone being accepting of someone being good for you, not many of us are to quick to openly accept construction criticism. I know I don’t like it all the time. However it is good for me in certain instances.

That’s the thing we must ask ourselves. Can we accept the whole good for me package? Constructive criticism and all.

And another, another thing I would not want to be with someone who I am not good for. I am all for being good to the one I am with, but I need to be good for them. It takes more than my doings to be, it takes being who is good for that person.

anonymousella

April 30th, 2009
10:27 am

what swissie said. if someone is good *for* me, it’s partially because he’s good *to* me, but the reverse is not, by any means, true. i have dated two dudes who were good *to* me at first. then they became azzholes and the relationship had to end.

someone who is good for me, but not good to me is a mentor, not a boyfriend … lol.

lucky to have both right now. hoping to hit the trifecta by living in the same city — though, frankly, i’d settle for the same coast — as him one day.

ImAPeach404

April 30th, 2009
10:28 am

And when a relationship is over, it’s over. I can love you for the time we spent together, and the value we added to one another – and never want to do it again.

D@MN!

Thyckness

April 30th, 2009
10:29 am

@ Cougar Hunter….use your imagination :)

Grace

April 30th, 2009
10:30 am

As so many have already stated you can’t have a good healthy relationship without having someone to be good to/for you, it goes hand it hand.

ImAPeach404 wheew, been there said that many, many, many times…it’ll get better, just wait and see.

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

April 30th, 2009
10:33 am

I have come to realize that men are like food to me…I love the ones that are good TO me (chocolate, cake, etc…) but when it comes to the ones that are good for me (veggies) I hate the taste, the thought, the feel of eating them. I know of the effects of the Good TO Me foods and they are not that great…but yet I can’t stay away from them. Well I realize what I have desired in man for years falls along that line. I have tried giving the guys who are the total opposite of what I want a chance….but I find myself no attracted to them. And let’s face it…if there is not physical attarction…it’s dead in the water. So now that leaves me with 3 decisions…1, I could continue to only go for what I really want and always end up hurt. 2, I could continue trying to make myself like “Mr. Good on Paper” and having no desire to be more than friends and then get aggitated when he tries to push it further. Or 3, I could just continue to be happy single because it seems I will never find a happy median between the Good TO Me & the Good FOR Me type of guy. I guess it’s too much to ask for when I want someone physically attractive to me…without him being a womanizer, or a intelligent guy with good home training that he has retained that knows how to treat me well that does not repulse me at the thought of getting physical with him. So A beautiful disaster…or settle for less. These are my options….I think I’ll pass!

MYTWOCENTS….”DAN You and a BUNCH of other dudes can’t see the light til she takes her sunshine away…” GIRL….so very true! Then they come trying to worm there way back into your life. Even if I was still feeling dude…my pride will not let me lower myself to going back to a guy that either wronged me or left me.

Grace

April 30th, 2009
10:35 am

I think that when first dating you’ll get the good to me, soaking in all the dates, gifts,etc overlooking whether the person is good for you. I’m sitting here going down memory lane on past loves and I can count how many have actually been good for me, I can come up with only one.

Raqi

April 30th, 2009
10:41 am

Staceye I love that food analogy.

lurker

April 30th, 2009
10:42 am

I always require both but in keeping with the question posed, I’ll take the “good to me.” I believe though, if a guy is doing things that are good for me with my best interest at heart, then how can that not be good to me. With that being said, I ain’t looking for someone to be my daddy. Good to me can end bad sometimes. Sometimes when my we’re (my boy) reminiscing over lunch about a previous experiences, I’ll sometimes think back on this one dude and say aloud…mmm mmm mmm he was good to me! Good to me though from which of the two involved? That dude was hard to shake.

Raqi

April 30th, 2009
10:43 am

Staceye I gotz me some chocolate covered asparagus. LOL

Dang that sounds good for real.

Grace

April 30th, 2009
10:43 am

my question is why do people mostly men turn away from a woman who is too good for them? I’ve heard this several times that men walked away from a relationship simply because the woman was just to good for him.

Foots

April 30th, 2009
10:44 am

Staceye has a great analogy with the good to me (cake, chocolate and the good for me (veggies, whole grains). I need both in my life.

I dated one dude who was technically good TO me (we spent time together, did fun things, he was very attentive) but wasn’t good FOR me (I never felt LESS like myself in any other relationship). I knew that I needed to leave, and things eventually came to a head where he left instead.

And I’ve been in relationships that were great on paper and it seemed like we should have everything set for a beautiful union (good FOR me), but he was extremely selfish when it came to me (not good TO me).

Now, I have a little of both. He does challenge me mentally and emotionally in ways that I haven’t been required to develop before, and in his own man’s way, he takes care of the things I need. Is it 100% either way, not at all. But it’s a good mix.