Are You Afraid of Flying Solo?
Good Morning! Today’s topic is courtesy of our fabulous “Sexyleggs”. I think she has a pretty interesting topic that would be great to explore. Have you ever heard the saying, “Better the devil you know, then the one you don’t”? What happens when fear of singlehood is the primary reason you are with someone? Check out what SexyLeggs wrote and join in the discussion.
Do you find that more and more people are staying in loveless, boring or even painful relationships because they’re afraid of being alone? For those of you that stay, or know of friends that stay, could one of the reasons be that you see your “worth” being defined by your relationship or marriage?
Although I certainly DO NOT agree with this, I realize there are many people “stuck” in relationships and marriages because to leave would be a stigma to their family and to their belief system. They don’t want anyone to know that they failed at the institution of marriage. Are you one of those who fear starting over and deem it best to stay on familiar ground?
Some people look at becoming single as a phobia, so to speak. Why do you think the fear of being alone and venturing back into the dating world would have one break out in a cold sweat? Fear is our enemy and it has a hold on many relationships/marriages. Does it have a hold on yours?
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178 comments Add your comment
Sassy Me....tastes like candy :-)
April 27th, 2009
1:26 pm
the media can hype shyt up out of proportion at will.
We just got an email from the head of our division asking for volunteers to go out to Cali.,New York and Mexico to help test for swine flu. I’m thinking about volunteering for the experience…might be interesting.
Raqi
April 27th, 2009
1:27 pm
The only I would not work to save my marriage is when it becomes obvious that my husband is not putting in the work from his end. You cannot make a person stay that does not want to stay. But if we have issues within the marriage than can be cured but it just takes the time and effort to work at it then I am all for that.
Poppa Grande
April 27th, 2009
1:29 pm
Dan
I agree that it can become bad if we let it.
This just one area where I don’t blame the media too much. That’s a first
They blew the lid off the Peanut Corp of America stuff. I saw the pictures from that place over the weekend, disgusting!! Dead rats and mold everywhere.
Many folks not only got sick from that, some actually died from it.
I remember going to Guadalajara once. I remember folks telling us to not even eat the fruit. Folks were trying to sell us all kinds of melons and such.
Speaking of chicken (I see that some mention KFC & Popeyes) I got the freshest chicken that I had since my grandma while in Guadalajara. The chicken was running around when we got there, and on our table in 30 minutes.
It is a damned if you do and a damned if you don’t.
Raqi
April 27th, 2009
1:29 pm
LOL Tazzee if it had rained then I would have left the statement as is and added that it was wet soil. But no gravy just gravel. And my nice white gravel at that.
SexyCool
April 27th, 2009
1:30 pm
Beautiful – The shthead formally known as Coach is a Cancer. (How fitting. LOL)
Beautiful
April 27th, 2009
1:30 pm
i see now why the divorce rate is high.
(
Beautiful
April 27th, 2009
1:31 pm
@SEXYCOOL
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
AmazonRed™
April 27th, 2009
1:35 pm
The shthead formally known as Coach is a Cancer
Dan
April 27th, 2009
1:39 pm
@PG
We both know its not altruism that drives the reporting, it’s ratings.
With the 24 hour “news” channels, they gone each try and one up the other til it becomes “Swine Flu Armeggedon”.
Ill thing is, Roger Cohen (sp?) wrote about this very thing (unhelathy practices in meat production) in upstate Philly about a month ago.
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 27th, 2009
1:43 pm
Off the topic but couldn’t help my self.. OMGoodness!
Dear Prudence:
I did something recently that concerns me on many levels. I am under a large amount of stress because I’m in an unhappy marriage (which we’re trying to work out) and because my company laid me off. I am under treatment for depression. A week ago, my doctor doubled the dosage of my antidepressant and, because I’m not sleeping well, he prescribed Ambien. On Saturday morning, I confused the vials and took two Ambien. I told my wife what happened and that I would probably sleep all day and went to bed. At around 10 p.m., my wife commented on how productive I had been: mowing the lawn, cleaning up, grocery shopping. I remembered none of this and said so. She said her only concern was that I left for “errands” and returned two hours later with nothing in hand. I talked to my doctor Monday, and he told me Ambien can cause amnesia and that some people have reported walking, driving, and cooking in their sleep. I know now what filled the missing two hours. This afternoon, I got a call from a woman who called me “lover” and asked when I wanted to come back. She called me her f–k buddy. This is a woman I had talked to only twice before in social situations. I do not even know where she lives; maybe I phoned her for directions. I do find her attractive, but I am stunned that I did something like this. My wife is vindictive, and if I say anything to her, it will end our marriage. I do not want to continue a relationship with the other woman. What should I do?
—Scared Sleepless
WTH??
http://www.slate.com/id/2216714/?GT1=38001
Raqi
April 27th, 2009
1:46 pm
Conspiracy I tell ya. Swine Flu…just another lab formulated disease to help the pharmaceuticals sell some more drugs.
But on the serious…if it really is coming in from Mexico they need to be watching those sneaking in out of those mirky waters.
lurker
April 27th, 2009
1:46 pm
NYC that piece came from a comic book I’m sure
Beautiful
April 27th, 2009
1:50 pm
to all the Beyonce’ haters. i heard all good thangs about the movie. giggle. RW and i are going wednesday night. can’t wait.
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
April 27th, 2009
1:51 pm
@Truth and Dan…I just never could understand why dudes get married that soon again unless it is neediness. Hellz, why buy when you can rent a whole lot cheaper? As I have said before, “marriage is the most expensive ‘free piece of azz’ you will ever encounter”.
As odd as it sounds, some of the best marriages I’ve seen are the arranged marriages by some of the Indian couples I know. One guy I worked with several years ago met his wife to be only 72 hours before the wedding (he did confide in me that he did have a “right of refusal” with his Dad though). She was beautiful, they had two kids they truly adored, and since divorce was not an option, they went into it with the understanding that they would MAKE it work. I work with a guy now who is from one of those cultures. He is getting married to a lady that his parents arranged. He told me that he tried it on his own in college and it was a bust (divorce) so he was letting his parents pick this time. She is a doctor, dayum attractive, and he flew over to meet her and liked her a lot. I suppose when there is not an escape route, you try harder.
Seemed strange to me, I wouldn’t trust my Mom and Stepfather to help me pick lunch, must less something like that…but it seems to work.
The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while doing dishes
April 27th, 2009
1:51 pm
Cool, being a cancer I’m totally offended and want an apology.
Dan, no mirrors needed. Man ‘im always going to be doing good til they lay me down.
Here’s the my take on this whole stay/leave then. I know what happiness is and when I see things have changed I know where the source is. If its a mate then I look to see if this is short or long term. If its long term the answer is simple. If short term I deal, to a point.
Life is short and I’m not wasting years trying to work someone through some bs that should have been resolved. fix it or move out.
Dan
April 27th, 2009
1:52 pm
For those interested (movie lovers, sports fans, etc)
http://www.variety.com/review/VE1117940136.html?categoryid=31&cs=1
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 27th, 2009
1:53 pm
Lurker- LOL!! Actually, one of the sales guys @ my job took an Ambien and was caught riding the elevator down to the lobby in the hotel where our sales meeting was being held in his tighty whiteys.. That stuff is NO joke!
SexyCool
April 27th, 2009
1:57 pm
Truth – Of course I meant that from the literal definition of the word and not the actual characteristics of the sign. LOL.
kimmie
April 27th, 2009
1:58 pm
Randy – I’ve seen that too with the arranged marriages. I think if my parents would have arranged a marriage for me, on the surface he probably would have seemed like a great catch, but it would be just my luck that he turned out to be a dud. Set-ups never worked for me, so I have a feeling an arranged marriage would not either. I don’t need my family all up in my business anyway.
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
April 27th, 2009
1:58 pm
Re the Ambien…I wonder if an ex-boss of mine took that stuff then.. He had an amazing ability to make us promises about bonuses if we worked really hard with a lot of unpaid overtime. Strange but he would conveniently have no recollection later (SOB), LOL. I always assumed he was a true schizophrenic, but it maybe it was the Ambien,LOL.
What was the line in “What About Bob”…”Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I”.
Dan
April 27th, 2009
1:58 pm
@Randy
The 2 or 3 cats that I directly know of that got married less than 6 months after the divorce, ended up doing what we all do, watching for the “tell tale” signs from the “last one” all while completely ignoring the blaring new signs that this chick is crazy.
I don’t think it was neediness, just them misusing the “get over the old one by…”. Finally had to tell these cats, you married your “rebound” chick. That’s bad dealin.
@Truth
Yeah man, happiness is internal and extends outward. People that actively try and ruin mine get dealt with severely without breaking a stride.
The easiest thing in the world to do is “be happy”.
AmazonRed™
April 27th, 2009
1:59 pm
to all the Beyonce’ haters. i heard all good thangs about the movie.
EVERYONE I know who saw this movie hated it. Men and women and several Beyonce fanatics. I was shocked how mad everyone was at it.
Raqi
April 27th, 2009
2:00 pm
divorce was not an option they went into it with the understanding that they would MAKE it work
Randy that right there says a whole lot. I honestly believe that a lot of marriage fail and dissolve because of the easy out that is on the market now. And it’s in the mind set. Folks marry stating the “until death…” but in the back of their minds lingers the out clause should they get bored or tired of making the union work.
Beautiful
April 27th, 2009
2:02 pm
@RANDY
your 100% correct on arranged marriages.
@SEXYCOOL
i met a libra saturday and i’m a cancer. not good. but he gave me butterflies. wwjd?
For Real
April 27th, 2009
2:04 pm
Leggs: “no laughter, no joy, no life, no respect, taking one for granted, no voice, no laughter…to name a few!” – Now out of the few you named which ones are you not responsible for?
Beautiful: I’m a Gemini with innocent eyes and a child-like smile.
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 27th, 2009
2:06 pm
For REal- Now I know why you are so SPECIAL
lurker
April 27th, 2009
2:07 pm
Lioness Hey, I’m getting Ambien on the way home…LOL
Dan
April 27th, 2009
2:07 pm
@Angie
I was a Beyonce hater, till “they” sent me a video of her dancing…and a wardrobe malfunction…priceless
As far as her acting skills, until I see better, my hatred remains intact
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
April 27th, 2009
2:09 pm
LIONESS…that Ambien is no joke. I have trouble sleeping and I was put on Ambien and was told about the many conversations and things that I had done but I had not one memory of doing them. Ambien is serious. I am already a sleepwalker and my parents said when I was home last July 4th that I go tup ans started having convos with but bursting into their room and just start babbling incoherantly. Thank God no one said I had sex while I was on it. Now I just deal wiht my sleeplessness.
BEAUTIFUL….I refuse to pay money to see Beyonce’s non-acting @ss! She takes roles that should be for the Black Actresses who can really act. Sanaa could have easily done that role.
Raqi
April 27th, 2009
2:10 pm
kimmie in those countries where arranged marriages are the norm, I would think those parents put a lot of thought and effort into choosing a mate for the child. I imagine family history, wealth and genes are probably taken into account.
And then those nationalities tend to raise their kids to be proper wives and husbands. They are raised to honor their family names and a failed marriage would bring disgrace to the family. On both sides. They are given a proper way of thinking as it pertains to marriage. The man knows his role and the woman knows hers.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say all arranged marriages work out. But I would guess if they remained in their countries abiding by the laws of their land and religion the majority of them last.
I heard a Mexican lady say once about not bringing her kids here for fear of being tainted by the American Way. Something like that she said. I didn’t agree with her but I understand what she was saying.
Tazzee - all moved in (sort of)
April 27th, 2009
2:11 pm
Dang I was hoping For Real wouldn’t respond to that question – it was only a matter of time before someone made a comment about us Geminis
Obsessed – I still want to see the movie but it has NOTHING to do with Beyonce’ hmmm, Idris…
Beautiful
April 27th, 2009
2:14 pm
**Now out of the few you named which ones are you not responsible for?**
@LEGGS
you’re up!
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 27th, 2009
2:15 pm
Staceye- WOW! My ex was a sleepwalker, talker, fighter etc.. Scariest shiznit EVER!! He would get up and be sleeping in the bathroom on the toilet.. WTH? His was the cause of any sleep medication either..
Lurker- LOL!
kimmie
April 27th, 2009
2:15 pm
Raqi – Yeah, you could not go into something like that with the “American Way” of thinking!
For Real
April 27th, 2009
2:16 pm
For Real now in Sam’s buying gang of Ambien.
For Real now showing Lioness his special gift.
Dan
April 27th, 2009
2:16 pm
@Staceye
Sanaa would’ve murdered that joint. Tajari would have killed it too (from sweet to territorial) has Ms. Henson written all over it.
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 27th, 2009
2:18 pm
Dan- I agree! Kerry Washington too..
For Real- Interesting..
SexyCool
April 27th, 2009
2:23 pm
Beautiful – Jesus would judge him by the truth of his character.
JoyFulOne aka Sidelines
April 27th, 2009
2:27 pm
“What was the line in “What About Bob”…”Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I”.”…too funny!!!!
@AmRed…”EVERYONE I know who saw this movie hated it. Men and women and several Beyonce fanatics. I was shocked how mad everyone was at it.”
I’m defintiely one of those people, smdh. I’m not a big Beyonce’ fanatic, but I really do like her and her style, she is definitely doing the dayum thing…but, I could have gone to see the Soloist instead and waited for Obsessed to come out on bootleg, just my .02
@Raqi…”I honestly believe that a lot of marriage fail and dissolve because of the easy out that is on the market now. And it’s in the mind set.”… I totally agree, especially in today’s society. I am ecstatic to see couples who have been together for many years and totally sad when I hear of friends of mine who were married and thought that they were the epitome of what marriage should be are no more. I guess that I can count my marriage as being one of those shocking divorces, but I too stayed in too long (5) years because I had 2 boys and was afraid of whether I could handle it on my own. But, that was 15yrs ago and it was the best decision I could have made and try to warn folks whom I hear sounding like me many years ago…to not feel like your doing your kids a favor by staying in it because your not teaching them what a healthy relationship is about…your doing the exact opposite. You live and you learn…sigh!
The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while doing dishes
April 27th, 2009
2:28 pm
Raqi, the divorce rate here is 40% because men marry and have kids then divorce her for younger mates. At around 30 he looks to trade in the old wife. Things is he still takes care of his kids and wives. Divorce is looked down on but still done.
Your right about them being “taught” to be mates. They have everything they need when they get married, except longevity that is. lol
Leggs
April 27th, 2009
2:34 pm
@For Real, out of the few I’ve named, I’m responsible for all of them and that’s exactly what I did! NEXT!
Raqi
April 27th, 2009
2:36 pm
Truth I thought polygamy is the norm there. Instead of divorcing the wife just bring in another. And I knew they divorced over there I just the rates were more like 15-20%.
Ask one of you desert friends a question. In a matter of a polygamous marriage does the first wife and her offspring have more rights and get more benefits than the ones that follow?
JoyFulOne aka Sidelines
April 27th, 2009
2:39 pm
@Stace…yeah, I agree with you Sanaa would have tore that part up!!! No doubt… And, DAN, your right too, Taraji Henson would have done that part justice as well.
@Stace…Girl, I told you how 2 of my girlfriends been on my youngest since they’ve met him. And still asking about arranging our kids marriage!!!!
ON AMBIEN: Thinkin’ back…that would explain all those middle of the night sexcapades with my ex…hmmmmm, but it was good though!!! lmao…
Poppa Grande
April 27th, 2009
2:42 pm
Dan
I agree the news channels aren’t doing it solely for the public’s benefit. However, if you know the Headline news replays everything every 30 minutes why watch it for an hour? You’ll keep on hearing about it over and over. I limit my exposure of actual newscasts to about 1 per day. I don’t need to keep hearing the same thing over and over. Whether its about the pig flu or how Al Davis royally mess up the Raiders draft this weekend, I only need to hear about it once.
I also make a point to not watch news in the morning, I don’t want to start my day with talk of murders, armed robbery, etc. Or some UGA professor that lost it, killed his family, and got away.
I’d rather start the day with some lighter stuff.
My point is they can show it, but I don’t have to hear about it unless I pay attention.
Angie
Believe it or not, I actually saw that Tough Love show last night. He kicked some chick out. I don’t know their names, but I’ve seen her before on it. She has serious problems and I believe that he did the right thing. She needs to be a patient on HBOs “In Treatment”.
I also saw the Kardarshian’s show last night. Kim’s sister was kicking her boyfriend out because she saw him with another woman. It was a surprise for her that her man and Kim was working on.
The things that I am willing to watch when I am tired of reading about easements and mortgages
AR
I heard bad things about Obsessed too.
I may still go see to support Will Packer and Rainforest Films. He is trying to do his thing. I heard that he originally wanted Ms. Henson, but she was not available. She was working on another film.
P.S. Staceye, if you wanted to be an actress (either on film or theater), you may want to look him up (if you haven’t. Will Packer and Rainforest Films is right here in the ATL.
Leggs
April 27th, 2009
2:46 pm
For the record, when I asked about “boring”, I was talking about relationships, not marriage. No need to stay in a boring relationship, but some do!
Raqi
April 27th, 2009
2:48 pm
Speaking of Sanaa…we watched Raisin In the Sun on BET yesterday. That is the first movie in a long time that we have watched as a family. There are movies that I allow my son to watch but I will not watch with him. But that movie is one that we all can watch together. They should have found someone else other that Sean to play that part. It was an excellent movie but he was not that convincing playing that role.
I like what Phylicia Rashad said about a man not being able to be at peace in his own home. My dad used to have a saying about home is where a man finds rest and his wife her haven.
Home should be the place where you escape the madness of this world. Leave the battles outside the door.
The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while doing dishes
April 27th, 2009
2:57 pm
Raqi, I dont believe in this area that polygamy is a big thing officially. Its more like get married and have affairs while the wife “looks the other way”. A native kuwaiti told me about the divorce situation. She’s 25 and knows her window is closing fast. At 30 over here you’re through, earlier if your not a virgin.
This culture is set up for the man to enjoy himself. But he must take care of his responsibilities or it gets ugly quick. I dont think there are many deadbeat dads here.
Almost none of the traditional families allow marriage unless the families approve. She told me she cant marry without her pops nod. There is a new wave of younger families thats bucking that tradtion, westernized I guess you could say.
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
April 27th, 2009
3:02 pm
Raqi…I hastily read your 2:48 post and first thought you had written “leave the batteries” outside the door. My bad but gave the whole thing a new twist for sure. LOL
I worked with a guy whose wife was a close friend to a lady I had noticed on Match.com. He confided in me that his wife had told hime her boyfriend at the time had bought her a “rabbit” (some kind of a specific “toy”). Apparently that thing would have her screaming in just a minute or two. I started to try to connect with her (thinking about her, me, and the “rabbit”, but thought she might be too high maintenance. Still a heck of a visual though.
Anyway, sorry for the mistake but thanks for the memory even if it was only a visual.
The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while doing dishes
April 27th, 2009
3:02 pm
There’s also an african saying that goes something like ” dont trust a man that cant control his woman”. Kinda along the same lines.
Staceye, did I just see you swallow some hateraid on Beyonce?
AmazonRed™
April 27th, 2009
3:03 pm
Al Davis royally mess up the Raiders draft this weekend, I only need to hear about it once.
PG – Just when I had stopped fuming over it. It was so funny watching my friends on Facebook. They were all like “yes, we’re gonna get Crabtree!” followed by a whole lot of cursing Al Davis when he passed on him. LOL