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Are You Afraid of Flying Solo?

Good Morning! Today’s topic is courtesy of our fabulous “Sexyleggs”.  I think she has a pretty interesting topic that would be great to explore. Have you ever heard the saying, “Better the devil you know, then the one you don’t”? What happens when fear of singlehood is the primary reason you are with someone? Check out what SexyLeggs wrote and join in the discussion.

Do you find that more and more people are staying in loveless, boring or even painful relationships because they’re afraid of being alone? For those of you that stay, or know of friends that stay, could one of the reasons be that you see your “worth” being defined by your relationship or marriage?

Although I certainly DO NOT agree with this, I realize there are many people “stuck” in relationships and marriages because to leave would be a stigma to their family and to their belief system. They don’t want anyone to know that they failed at the institution of marriage. Are you one of those who fear starting over and deem it best to stay on familiar ground?

Some people look at becoming single as a phobia, so to speak. Why do you think the fear of being alone and venturing back into the dating world would have one break out in a cold sweat? Fear is our enemy and it has a hold on many relationships/marriages.  Does it have a hold on yours?

178 comments Add your comment

AmazonRed™

April 27th, 2009
8:39 am

Morning all – I hope everyone had a great weekend and got outdoors with the fantastic weather!

Good topic Leggs.

WiseDiva, good to see you as well. But where is Blanca? Isn’t this her week?

SexyCool

April 27th, 2009
8:55 am

Some of my gf’s and I have had this discussion. It’s not the fear of starting over, it’s the inconvenience.

I’m sure I could write a dissertation on it. I won’t.

It’s just that, like anything worthwhile, setting the foundation of a new relationship requires a LOT OF WORK. Oftentimes, it feels like it’s easier to attempt to repair what’s wrong in the relationship that you already have than it is to scrap the whole mess and begin again with someone new.

In the end, you really have to define dealbreakers. You have to know when to let it lie where it fell. You have to determine when you have really reach the point of irreconcilable differences and stop trying to reconcile them.

Good job, Leggs.

Three Words Daily – Know your motivation.

QC

April 27th, 2009
8:55 am

Morning all…The fear of being along is one fear I don’t have…
Hope you all have a great day! ;)
Hey ARed :)

http://www.blackthen.com

QC

April 27th, 2009
8:57 am

Ok lol…that should read “the fear of being alone”

“QC now going to get a mountain dew so she can wake up”

Raqi

April 27th, 2009
8:59 am

I would imagine this happens quite often especially with individuals who have been part of a union for 20-30 years.

Sometimes we as people can become dependent on each other and the thought of going at it alone can be frightful. I think about those couples that married like right out of high school and find themselves parting ways after 30 years. They don’t anything or anybody else but each other. They became a union knowing nothing about life and relationships. Everything that they learned they did so with each other. For them there is nothing outside of that. Then for them to think about getting out there and being single again and starting over, I guess some would just rather tolerate and make the best of what they have and not be alone.

AmazonRed™

April 27th, 2009
9:02 am

On to the topic… yesterday I was hanging with my girls during the early afternoon. They asked me what I had planned to do for the rest of the day and I told them that I had a date, but I was going to cancel to do housework. I had been running hard all weekend without one moment for myself. I was tired and needed to get myself in order for the week. One of my girls immediate concluded that I must not be into the guy because I was passing on a date to do housework. It wasn’t further from the truth. I was very interested, but I knew I would be no good on a date if I were tired, cranky and my head was not in it. Sure enough, the guy understood and we were able to reschedule.

To tie it into the topic, had I had a fear or disdain for being alone and flying solo, maybe I would have felt a sense of urgency like my friend did. But it’s not a fear of mine, so that’s that.

And in terms of “starting over.” I don’t care for that, but I just wrap my mind around that every moment I spend with the wrong one, keeps me from meeting the right one.

AmazonRed™

April 27th, 2009
9:03 am

Raqi

April 27th, 2009
9:10 am

I remember when my first husband was killed I was extremely frightful because he was my first and only love at that time. We had been together since I was 16, married at 19 and was married for 4 years. Not to mention we had a son. It was a horrible feeling. After about a year I didn’t want to be alone anymore and that want more than likely lead me to making a really unintelligent decision to be with the man that fathered my second son.

You just have to be careful. Fear can not only make you stay longer than you should but it can also lead to making bad decisions. Fear can blind you.

Wise Diva

April 27th, 2009
9:16 am

Good morning! Yea, AmazonRed, it is Blanca’s week, I am covering for her for a bit.

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while doing dishes

April 27th, 2009
9:30 am

Ok, still not able to breathe after finding out Ared is dating other guys. Anyone have a hanky?

Am on day 2 of a 4 day weekend. Can you believe I took off with the soul purpose of sleeping? I did. It feels so good to get a good nights rest.

Also, I had 4000 songs in my music collection and just picked up 17,000 more. Woohoo. This is some hot stuff. Spending all day getting it sorted and whatnot.

On a sad note, my dog training club has split up into 2 groups. Personality conflicts. One for sport and one for protection. Wait, thats not sad, nevermind. LOL

On topic: I’d rather be in a good relationship with me than a bad one with someone else. Solo is not a bad word, at least not for me.

Fear is just a mirage. Next time you fear something walk into it and it loses its power. Works every time. Unless its a high ledge, then I’d recommend living with your fear.

Update: One of my goals for Kuwait is getting back to a 31-32 inch waist. I’m currently holding at around 34 and heading south fast. Working hebrew hours with little food in the the desert heat does wonders for the figure. Who’d of thunk it?

Ared, though I’m not talking to you, I bet Blanca has hit the road. She was looking for an exit from day 1. She did make it longer than I thought though. Ok, back to no longer speaking to you.

AmazonRed™

April 27th, 2009
9:37 am

Truth :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Glad you got some rest man. I know you deserve it and I know you can’t NOT speak to your little love muffin. Give me some suga. :)

BTW, do they have cheap ipods over there? The hard drive in mine is shot which means buy a new one, not worth the cost of repair. 17,000 songs? Egads. I don’t even like that many songs. :lol: That’s hot tho.

Raqi

April 27th, 2009
9:58 am

Amazon my weekend was good, that is during the hours that I was not trying to sleep. We have a tree about 5-6ft. away from our window and Saturday we found out a woodpecker has taken a liking to the tree. At first I thought it was someone working. I was lying there early Saturday morning thinking what in the world is that person thinking at this time of the morning. I soon realized it was right outside my window. Annoying. Totally.

I begged Mason to please go and get that thing out of the tree. He and the knucklehead went out and tried throwing gravy from the flower bed up at it. I guess one at a time didn’t work because I heard what sounded very familiar to the hail storm we had the other night against the window. I yelled at both of them to stop throwing stone before the break the window. Thankfully one of the stones must have hit or near the little pecker because he stopped. But as you know early, early Sunday morning there he was again pecking away at that tree.

This time they got the water hose and tried to flush him. Mason was standing at the window navigating while the knucklehead stood under the tree spraying the hose. I could him hear him yelling “dad I am getting wet” and Mase yelling back boy that water won’t hurt you, spray the bird. He was soaking wet when he came back in the house. LOL

I guess spraying it with the water hose helped because I didn’t hear it this morning.

I guess woodpeckers aren’t “afraid of flying solo” because there was only one in the tree and we all know that birds of feather flock together. (corny I know but I am back on topic now)

LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!

April 27th, 2009
10:01 am

Good Morning All :)

Have a wonderful day!

Foots

April 27th, 2009
10:09 am

I agree with **SexyCool**, it is very inconvenient starting over. I will not stay in a miserable boyfriend-girlfriend situation or one that’s just not working, but I am willing now to work through minor issues, even some major ones, in a relationship that would have caused me to vacate a few years ago. I realized that these are skills I’d have to learn anyway if I was serious about being married one day. I can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater anymore.

It is a LOT of work building a foundation with someone else, as she said. I’m perfectly willing to do it if I have to, but if what I have right now just needs a little tweaking, I’d rather put my energy into that.

Foots

April 27th, 2009
10:11 am

Shouts out to MELO!! You out there?

Sassy Me....tastes like candy :-)

April 27th, 2009
10:12 am

Blog fam!!!….what it do on a Monday morn’!!! :)

I’m afraid of GOD and my mother(when she’s angry cause she GOES OFF) and that’s about it. I’ve seen so many of my girlfriends stay with dead beat fools b/c they wanted a man around just that bad….they’d rather be unhappy with a man than be alone without one. Not me…if I’m unhappy being WITH you then guess what I’M OOOUUUTT.

I’d rather be happy alone than miserable with someone else….then we’d be two sad,mad fools together and lawd knows that ain’t good…

kimmie

April 27th, 2009
10:13 am

Morning Blog! I got a chance to partake of the wonderful weather this weekend. Took the kids to the Jonquil Festival in Smyrna and we had a good time. Did a little yardwork on Saturday and spent most of the late afternoon-early evening watching the 100 greatest hip-hop songs countdown on VHI with SO & one of his buddies. Brought back a lot of fun memories.

On topic – I figured out long ago that peace of mind means the world to me. Being in a relationship that is not firing on all cylinders is absolutely miserable to me! I did not really date for almost 2 years until I met SO, because I was drained from bad relationship after bad relationship. I went out on a few platonic dates and mostly hung out with family & friends. I had a blast – no worries, no “work”. I vowed the next person I got involved with would share my new philosophy – keep it easy & simple & all will fall in place. I hit the jackpot.

kimmie

April 27th, 2009
10:17 am

It is so sad to see people hanging on, long after it’s over. Yeah it’s a pain trying to get out and meet new people & start over, but may as well. If you’re in a bad relationship that is past its expiration date, you’re already alone anyway.

SexyCool

April 27th, 2009
10:20 am

I have a jack@ss employee in my office telling me it’s MY responsibility to call him and tell him that the FMLA paperwork that he requested THREE MONTHS AGO, but just turned in on THURSDAY is filled out incorrectly.

No – shthead. It’s your responsibility to fill the d@mn paperwork out correctly in the first d@mn place. Besides, you’ve had this doggone paperwork for three months. Now that you’ve decided it’s urgent, you expect it to be MY emergency? GTFOH.

Raqi

April 27th, 2009
10:29 am

LOL SexyCool

Leggs

April 27th, 2009
10:32 am

Good morning everyone!

@SexyCool—->It’s not the fear of starting over, it’s the inconvenience. You are so right!

I am so tired this morning. Beautiful weekend and I felt I had to take in all the sun rays. Draging this morning, but I had fun. My dauther and I are taking belly dance classes and it was so much fun.

@ARed, I gave up a good afternoon card party of Bid Whist because I had to cook, do laundry and clean house yesterday around 5:00. My friend couldn’t believe that I was going home to do that on such a beautiful day. Heck, it was Sunday and I had to get ready for the week. My priorities (albeit boring) are in order.

On topic…I was fearful of starting over with an 11 year old, not fearful of being alone. My fear kept me “stuck” for many years. As with everyone of us, one day you just open your eyes and realize “I can do this” and the wheels of change are now in motion. No looking back and I’m happier than ever!

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while doing dishes

April 27th, 2009
10:41 am

Temporarily lifting my speaking ban on Ared. Electronics over here are more expensive than the states. They’re charging ridiculous prices for phones we get for nothing. Their knockoff electronics wouldn’t be recommended. Purses maybe but not electronics. Ban back in place.

Does anyone have the 3g iphone with 16gb? That phone is hot. If so what do you think of it?

SexyCool

April 27th, 2009
10:51 am

I have just been reading some of the swine flu articles and have realized something. I should probably keep my rear in my office here at the airport to minimize any exposure to those who may have traveled to infected areas.

Beautiful

April 27th, 2009
10:51 am

for me it’s not fear.

**somethings missing**. like if i wear my nike’s w/o socks.

Leggs

April 27th, 2009
10:56 am

LOL @ Raqi…that was a great seque back to the topic!

Raqi

April 27th, 2009
10:58 am

gravel not gravy. LOL I don’t think I am hungry but I could be. I need to proofread before pressing send.

Raqi

April 27th, 2009
11:00 am

LOL Leggs I figured I better bring it on back in. It is still early.

mqew

April 27th, 2009
11:00 am

Merning peeps! I’ve never had issue with bailing out of something of a bad relationship. But, I’ve been married forever, well 12yrs, so bailing on someone in your twenties is as easy as burping :lol:

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

April 27th, 2009
11:03 am

GREAT TOPIC LEGGS!!!!

WISE….I find that I have the opposite of this…I have the fear of being in a relationship! Anything remotely resembling one makes me freak out and feel like I will have a panic attack.

I do think it is not only sad but pathetic to remain in bad relationship for the sake of being with someone. These people need help. Why the fear of being alone? Most are born alone and you will die alone so are you that needy that you must have someone…ANYONE in your life? I know people like this and I just want to smack the hell out of them. Life is way too short to waste it away on someone unworthy of you/ I must say past experiences have mad me quick with the “foot in @ss” reflex to kick a to dude to the curb for being not want I desire to have in my life. Red flags are not ignored anymore. Bad relationships are like expired food…TOXIC! Know when to throw it away and keep it moving. Some women hold on because they had a baby with him. NOT a good reason. You made one mistake by being with him and getting pregnant. The child itself is not the mistake…but the fact of matter is now this person is a part of your life no matter what even if he is a deadbeat. But hodling yourself back from finding someone deserving of you because he is the sperm donor for your kid is a prison that you put yourself in…and what was your crime? Does is fit?

TRUTH….”Working hebrew hours with little food in the the desert heat does wonders for the figure” Well hell I need to be onver there, My waist if fine….it’s the booty I need to lose. So I’m coming! :lol:

BLANCA left????? Wow! :shock:

mqew

April 27th, 2009
11:06 am

I do have a male friend that absolutely dreaded trying to find someone new after he got a divorce from his 20yr marriage. He was always meeting a chick, but he dreaded the process of getting to know someone all over again and then them asking the questions, dealing with their trust issues etc. He hated it.

Beautiful

April 27th, 2009
11:09 am

single women, imo, are not scared to be single. it’s our choice. if we really wanted to, we can all be married . . . today! by tearing up those lists we cherish so much . . . that man is standing right in front of us.

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

April 27th, 2009
11:09 am

SEXYCOOL….woosa mami! :lol: Don;t beat him down girl! :lol:

AmazonRed™

April 27th, 2009
11:11 am

Raqi – It took me a couple of reads before I realized you were talking about gravel and not gravy. :lol:

Leggs – So glad you are happier than ever. I was reading this back issue of Essence this weekend and there was this article on women who were smart, got tested with their partners, etc and their partners still brought gave them AIDS. Made me think about being single for the long term, albeit briefly.

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

April 27th, 2009
11:11 am

LEGGS…how was week two of your class?

Beautiful

April 27th, 2009
11:12 am

most wives who won’t leave their husbands are being selfless. they know it’s not all about them.

when i left, it was selfish.

Dan

April 27th, 2009
11:12 am

I hate to bring up old stuff but…

http://www.tmz.com/2009/04/22/tyreses-prenup-ex-gets-nada

See now why you get ‘em?

On topic:

I agree with Ms. SexyCool, it is inconvenient to start a new relationship, but sometimes you gotta. Doesn’t make it any easier, but better to be alone and happy, than miserable with someone you can’t stand.

As far as staying with someone because of the stigma attached, I can actually dig that Ms. Leggs. There is (at least for me) a certain obligation to a person that you “spend time” with. And that obligation will keep you in something that is detrimental to you in the long run.

All of us (well maybe not Truth) have to remember that you have to learn to love yourself more than you love someone else sometimes.

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while doing dishes

April 27th, 2009
11:15 am

Staceye, they say most people here lose 20-35 pounds each summer based on being outdoors in 130 temps for 12 hours. I think we can come up with a better plan for staying slim than frying in the desert sun. PLus I dont think this country is ready for you. LOL

Beautiful, thats a pretty positve attitude. What would you have to change about yourself to become awifey?

Beautiful

April 27th, 2009
11:18 am

**Why do you think the fear of being alone and venturing back into the dating world would have one break out in a cold sweat?**

the game has changed for the worst. while married she prolly seen what her single friends went thru with trying to find a man and thanked God she was in a relationship or married.

my expectations going into singledom were set high and i was knocked on my a$$ when i moved to GA.

Leggs

April 27th, 2009
11:20 am

OMG, I thought you meant gravy and was wondering how the heck that was working. Meant to ask but forgot. That was too funny. Throwing gravy at a woodpecker. I’m tearing up just from laughing at that. I thought you were serious!

@Staceye, I got the hip action down pat (go figure). The routine she’s teaching us is off the chain. Of course lil leggs is a freaking quick learning…wassup w/these teenagers catching on so quickly. Any hoo…still having problems with the shoulders. I’m still trying to “isolate.” Easier said than done! Too much tension in my shoulders! Need a massage w/hot oils, and I’m not kidding!

@ARed, thanks. I too am glad I’m happy. Must admit, I thought of my marriage this weekend and smiled even wider knowning I’m done with that. Sorry, but I did! At that moment, lil leggs asked what I was smiling about and the quick thinker I need to be at times said, oh, nothing, just smiling at the line in the song! Great recovery on my part because Leona ??? was on the radio singing “Bleeding.”

SexyCool

April 27th, 2009
11:22 am

Tell me about it, Staceye.

mqew

April 27th, 2009
11:22 am

Has anyone had to let go of a friend because of the trife “boyfriend” she had. I did. It wasn’t fun. But I couldn’t stand the always negative energy that their relationship imposed on me and mine. My SO got so tired of me talking about them that the subject of their tumultuous relationship was off limits. There relationship lasted entirely too long. Now she has a baby with him :???:

I actually wasn’t the only one that she lost as a friend…

Beautiful

April 27th, 2009
11:26 am

**What would you have to change about yourself to become a wifey?**

honestly, not much. there are three men right now that i see daily who i wouldn’t give the time of day to. just not my type. they adore me and if i let them, they’ll be eating right outta my hand.

when i meet a man i like, i get butterflies. i can’t sleep or eat. all giddy and smiles. none of them do that to me.

getting married is easy. finding my future hubby is tough.

For Real

April 27th, 2009
11:29 am

What up Blog Fam…..

I don’t think women fear being alone as much as they fear the happiness they are chasing.

Truth: You gonna be dark as Melo when you return. Dayum just when lightskindidt where making a coming back.

Dan

April 27th, 2009
11:36 am

@For Real

It ain’t just women that chase happiness.

Dudes are notorious for it and its the root cause of Simpin’.

Beautiful

April 27th, 2009
11:36 am

**Do you find that more and more people are staying in loveless, boring or even painful relationships because they’re afraid of being alone?**

leaving a relationship is a lot of work. it’s easier to stay for most. do you have funds saved up for another place to stay? are all of the house bills in both of your names? do you own a house together? is the car you driving to get yourself to work his??? is the property/furniture you guys own both of yours? are your families tight like that? are the checking/savings in both of your names?

once she thinks about the above, she most likely will put it off till next year. then the next year . . . then the next. saving money is hard.

HOTHONEY

April 27th, 2009
11:38 am

” I’d rather be in a good relationship with me than a bad one with someone else. Solo is not a bad word, at least not for me.” I 2ND THAT

Foots

April 27th, 2009
11:45 am

Beautiful leaving a relationship is a lot of work. it’s easier to stay for most. do you have funds saved up for another place to stay? are all of the house bills in both of your names? do you own a house together?

Yeah, it’s a lot when you think about it in those terms, like ending a marriage. But for the types of relationships I’ve been in, it ain’t nearly that hard. You might have to block a number or two, but that’s about it. LOL!

That sounds like another strike against co-habitation for me. Why the heck would I entertain the possibility of having to rebuild my whole life just because me and my boyfriend broke up?

The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothingelse while doing dishes

April 27th, 2009
11:46 am

Ared, I’m lifting my non-speaking ban for today only. When you brought up that Essence article I thought of an inmate at the federal pen. He was a high ranking muslim and he had givenn his wife aids. When he tried to call her she wouldn’t take his call, quite naturally, and we’d wind up having to wup his azz. He got put in segragation for along time and eventually died. Thing is I cant imagine giving that to somebody you care for. Thats why I’m faithful to YOU.

Angie, leaving is easy as pie if you have a standard. Set your standard and enforce it. It doesn’t matter the excuse, if you start slipping I bounce. This is how people wind up in dead azz relationships, they give their mate a “pass” because they love them. Because I love you I’m keeping the heat on because if I let you slip up I’m gonna lose you. I’ll give you the best I have and you do the same.

For Real, yeah they have me on a high broil program. This is inhuman. LOL

Foots

April 27th, 2009
11:54 am

Anybody going to KFC today to get a piece of the Free Grilled Chicken?

Dan

April 27th, 2009
11:59 am

@Foots

1) Co-habitation isn’t bad as long as both people realize that as far as money goes, there’s an “us”, a “mine” and “yours”. It’s tough a lot of times to do that, because of the false notion that “what’s mine is yours” prior to marriage. So don’t give up hope, just think it through to both the good and bad outcomes and prepare for each.

2) Popeye’s had that $4 chicken joint last Wednesday, I thought I was going to have to file a missing persons report on like 10 family members, but all of ‘em were in line waiting on chicken. Go at your own risk (of waiting, cause Black folk love us some “free”)