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The First 90 Days

If you can’t accept him just as he is, should you really continue dating him?

These were the words that pulled me back to reality. I had been whining to my buddy about a guy who I wished would “get his stuff together”. I lamented about the list of things I felt would prove he was a good catch for me: If he could only stop smoking, if he could just get a better paying job, then we could get serious.  I spent the first 90 days literally picking him a part looking for things to change. Big mistake and a common pitfall for single women. That is not what the first 90 days should be about.

How do you usually navigate dating in the first 90 days? If you both are seeking something meaningful, do you use this time to have fun without the expectations? Do you ever worry about getting caught up and confusing how you feel about someone in the beginning?

I think men generally are in observe and report phase. They observe the women for “the crazy” and make a mental report of what kind of woman she is. Guys, do you agree or am I way off? Ladies, has this been your experience?

Have you ever dated someone and noticed a complete personality shift after 90 days? What is that about!

362 comments Add your comment

I-85

April 23rd, 2009
8:09 am

All changes after sex for man, If I haven’t got it in 90 days (way too long) then I am out.

LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!

April 23rd, 2009
8:12 am

Good Morning All :)

I just went through that.. LOL! I must say that I had a BALL with him for the entire 90 days ;)

Diva- I SWEAR you are in my head sometimes :)

Raqi

April 23rd, 2009
8:30 am

(Early to rise)

Getting to know you,
Getting to know all about you.
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like me.

90 Days getting to know, getting to like.

ImAPeach404

April 23rd, 2009
8:32 am

90 days?!?!
People actual date for that long these days???
Hell… If we make it through the first 7 days thats a long term relationship…

dw

April 23rd, 2009
8:36 am

During the first 90 days you are not dating the individual, you are dating their representative. You are dating the person that they want you to believe they are, which suggests that they know their flaws and hang-ups but they suppress them so that you will give them a chance, then when they feel comfortable…BAM! Who is this fool? Both men and women do this.

Tazzee - all moved in (sort of)

April 23rd, 2009
8:38 am

Morning All!

ImAPeach404 :lol:

I don’t know what it is about 90 days, but I’ll never forget my tax professor saying something about young people changing friends every season. I use the initial dating period as a time to observe and make note. I look at the things that I would like to be changed and try to discern if they are really deal breakers or me just trying to create the perfect man. After I’ve come to terms with that stuff – I can proceed in the relationship.

Raqi

April 23rd, 2009
8:50 am

I think most people change after 90 days because the 90 day rule exist.

Yeah we should have standard and whatnot, but all those darn rules just get in the way sometimes.

As for hoping someone change or wishing they would change something about themselves??? If the change is for no other reason than to be with you or be the person you want them to be then it not a good thing. Either it will not last or they could grow to feel resentful for not being their true self. Change should be for your personal benefit and getting the drawz does not count as that benefit.

I do believe the “you make me want to be a better person” statement because sometimes others can point us in a better direction or show us a better alternative. However like I said up above if that change is not a change that you see as beneficial to you as a whole person and not just changing for someone else, then don’t do it.

AmazonRed™

April 23rd, 2009
8:58 am

Morning all,

Still keeping it simple in 2009. Been on a lot of dates with guys who are making it way to complicated within weeks. Not following thru, full of excuses, etc.

I guess the most I’m looking for in the first 90 days is consistancy, but this is Atlanta, so there are still folks playing around. Have fun! :)

LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!

April 23rd, 2009
9:05 am

Never heard of the 90 day rule.. Mine was consistent for the full 90 days but on the 91st day became silent.. Literally.. LMAO! His loss :)

Peach- LOL!!

Ared- They play too mmany games down here at any age.. Sad LOL

Gonna be a beautiful day today :)

Foots

April 23rd, 2009
9:12 am

Our first 90 days, we had a lot of fun, spent a lot of time together, talked a lot. Many of our habits and tendencies were apparent to each other at that time. I don’t think I EVER dated his representative, so he’s probably the most real person I’ve dated.

In other situations, I’ve been caught up and swept away in their initial excitement about me and “us”, never really building the foundation that long-term relationships are built on. So I’d say that if you both know that you want that kind of relationship, the first 90 days should be spent getting to know enough about each other and building enough of a foundation to decide whether to move forward in the relationship.

Foots

April 23rd, 2009
9:29 am

Quick question for the cooks of the board: I wanted to make this recipe for baked Tilapia I found and I wanted to make these mashed red potatoes that my friend told me about. Can I put them together as a meal, or is fish/mashed potatoes weird?

Raqi

April 23rd, 2009
9:30 am

the first 90 days should be spent…building enough of a foundation…

That is true. I personally know that a relationship is only as strong as the foundation that it was built on. The allowances made for certain things and behaviors in the beginning of the relationship determines the true basis of it. As well as the standards that you set for yourself and your potential. If the relationship is built on being open and honest the relationship is more than likely to stand on the truth. But if you layout lies and deceit then that will the life source of the union.

mytw♥cents

April 23rd, 2009
9:40 am

I kinda think if you pay enough attention, you can figure out in 9 days what it takes others 9 months or 9 years to realize. And I’m not into changelings (men who’ll let you morph them into what you want them to be.) Plus it’s just the outside cuz internal can only be changed by owner. Wasted energy.

PEACHY I thought that was a LTR too!

LIONESS Are you the artist formerly known as NYC? If so, does that mean you and dude were only dealing for a few months cuz you seemed so far in. Guess you cut your losses… On another, what is your basis for your assessment of what a guy pulls in and are you concerned about overlooking a great match/catch on a fallible system. Fallible cuz everybody doesn’t wear their wealth. And even if he tells you a figure, it may not be accurate. Cuz he’s gotta measure your motives too. Sounds exhausting to even go thru.

SWISS If yesterday was any indication, I’m gonna need you to call your country cousins with meth lab for a hook up to get thru the day. Hook me up!

mytw♥cents

April 23rd, 2009
9:49 am

And who is it that’s adopting these gazillion rules? What’s the point when most of us are habitual rule breakers anyway.

Mornin’ BEAUTIFUL – I know you’re up. FYI, I peek in and exit bout the same time daily, nothing to do with me cutting my eyes at the mods. :)

By the way, I’m taking up a collection to send TRUTH a top of the line blow up doll. He’ll never make it with only the thought of his estranged wives to keep him warm at nite. It’s the least we can do…

dw

April 23rd, 2009
9:50 am

Foots–You can put those two together, it’s all in the presentation. Use some parsley flakes to garnish the mashed potatoes. And a slice of lemon with a fresh parsley leaf on top of it, in the center of the talapia.

lurker

April 23rd, 2009
9:50 am

Ain’t but so long a person is going to hide behind their representative. If you pay attention, you can see through the fake fake way before 90 days expire. No matter how good you are at faking, can’t hide the real you.

lurker

April 23rd, 2009
9:52 am

Have you ever dated someone and noticed a complete personality shift after 90 days? What is that about

yep…usually azz

Kym aka Patty Hewes

April 23rd, 2009
9:56 am

Good MOrning All,

Call me naive but I didn’t know there was a 90 day rule. What is it? Who decided it? and Why should I care? If we don’t click, it is not going to take me 90 days to figure it out. I am nosy, so I ask questions(lots)I try not to get to personal but if I want to know, hell I will ask. Also, I am about what a person does, not what they say. Your actions speak and if you are late all the time, never follow through, most likely we are not going to make it pass day 20..(if that far). Maybe I am not taking dating all that serious or something..90 day rule. Who knew?

mytw♥cents

April 23rd, 2009
10:01 am

FOOTS Yes, it can make a tasty combo w/ sauteed spinach or broccoli to bring it all together. A dash of lemon and some capers will bring out the flavors. Eat well!

M'

April 23rd, 2009
10:01 am

For me, this is one of those topics that truly is/was relative to my age and experiences…what I thought in my 20’s vs. 30’s vs. 40’s…has changed greatly over time with maturity and widsom.

In my 20’s I would have been more prone to accommodate minor idyiosyncracies that did not court high favor with my preferences…I was willing to be more open minded and less critical…hey-ale, I guess I was growing too…so what did I really know…by my 30’s I found myself less tolerant of the things that I did not find favorable and subsequently less apt to desire any relationship with a person that had too many unsavory items on the “if only list”…by my 40’s…I just said fugg it..if he ain’t coming to the table properly suited to dine then no need in wasting my time…lol…now, if I meet someone and there are just too many things that I would find less than acceptable about the person’s lifestyle, habits or whatever…then I do not even get it started because I know that you can not teach an old dog new tricks…what you see is what you get.

East Point's Own

April 23rd, 2009
10:03 am

90 days? I find that these days most women I have dated and were not cut off by me first, either disappear after 2-3 weeks (usually because they “are not ready for a serious relationship”), or they are ready to start talking about moving in and shopping for rings… I have not had one last 30 days, let alone 90. I just had a call this week from a chick who does not want to see me any more because she “was starting to like me too much” and was not ready for that type of relationship yet….

MELO

April 23rd, 2009
10:05 am

<strong.They observe the women for “the crazy” and make a mental report of what kind of woman she is. Guys, do you agree or am I way off?

Chics dont hide ingrained behaviour very well! If u got the eye,u can tell by the tell tell signs,the little tantrums,cussing,the baby dadd drama on the phone etc.The motivation for most dudes is not if they are gonna last 90 days.Mental note,yes we do take coz we tend to not focus long term untill we observe keeper tendencies.
Complete personality shift after 90 days?? After 30 days, i wld think.
Thats what most guys do after theyve tapped it.

Wise Diva

April 23rd, 2009
10:06 am

Good MORNING!!
“If we make it through the first 7 days thats a long term relationship”
LOL @ ImaAPeach, you are hilarious!

My father used to always say that a man can’t hide his crazy for too long, so after 90 days, the pretense starts to fade a little. This can be good or bad, depending on how fake the person is being when they are with you.

Actually, watching and observing a person over all 3 weather seasons before becoming too serious is good form. LOL

Foots

April 23rd, 2009
10:07 am

Thanks dw and my two. A garnish is a good idea to pull it together. I like the long, crisp string beans, so I’ll do that for the vegetable.

AmazonRed™

April 23rd, 2009
10:09 am

I just had a call this week from a chick who does not want to see me any more because she “was starting to like me too much” and was not ready for that type of relationship yet….

:|

ImAPeach404

April 23rd, 2009
10:12 am

Been on a lot of dates with guys who are making it way to complicated within weeks. Not following thru, full of excuses, etc.

Red I think we’ve been on dates with the exact same guys.

Yall, I’m so effin fed up. Seriously… sigh.
I’m soooooo tired. So, so tired.

Foots

April 23rd, 2009
10:14 am

I’m still off topic, but can anyone recommend a cheap landscape person? I need some small trees trimmed and the waste carried away. The job takes about 2 hours or less. Any lurkers out there wanna make a quick buck?

Also, if anybody needs a mobile mechanic, I know somebody who did a really good job on my car, cheap, fair rates. Came to my house and got the job done. I wanted to keep him to myself, but I know there are a lot of single ladies on the board who need good, reliable folks to take care of things like that, and they price gouge at the car repair shops. Let me know if you’d like his info.

kimmie

April 23rd, 2009
10:21 am

Morning Blog!

Foots – Potatos are delicious with fish! Eat up! Love the long haricort verts(string beans) too! Have you tried using panko crumbs on fish? Wonderful!

On topic – Didn’t know there was a 90-day rule either, but Steve Harvey speaks of it in his new book. Thinking back, for some strange reason that seemed to be the turning point for my current relationship. That’s when I met his children and things seemed to take a more serious turn for us. We had spent quite a bit of time getting to know each other and we went out a lot. It’s been a year and a half now and things are progressing along quite nicely. I’ve been in longer relationships, but this one is proving to be much more satifying than the others. While I wouldn’t say things moved much faster in the other relationships, this one is more about quality than quantity. Make those first days, weeks, months count and build a foundation, as Foots said. Quit focusing on sex so much and build REAL intimacy and friendship. Weed out those with no potential EARLY! No need in wasting precious time trying to MAKE something work or change someone! Whether you are 20 or 60, time waits for no one!

AmazonRed™

April 23rd, 2009
10:22 am

Also, if anybody needs a mobile mechanic, I know somebody who did a really good job on my car, cheap, fair rates. Came to my house and got the job done

I wonder if that’s the same mechanic that worked on that heffa’s BMW that killed those 5 people on Easter. Reading that story made me so angry. What made her think she’d get away with it???

Foots

April 23rd, 2009
10:25 am

East Point That’s jacked up. So the ones you could possibly see something with are either moving too fast or not moving at all?

Peach I certainly understand that brand of weariness.

Sassy Me....tastes like candy :-)

April 23rd, 2009
10:26 am

Mornin’ errbody

During the first 90 days you are not dating the individual, you are dating their representative. You are dating the person that they want you to believe they are….

Fortunately I haven’t had that experience b/c I trully believe in keeping ish real and I dont tolerate bullshyt very well so I don’t give any false pretenses and ask that the other person does the same. Now there have been a few fools who thought that my name was Lisa Lunchmeat and tried to run some tired game but I tell dudes in a New York minute “game recognizes game ALL DAY LONG” which leads me to MY OWN RULE “If you haven’t heard from me in three days then YOU JUST WON’T……EVER Smooches!! :)

dw

April 23rd, 2009
10:30 am

I have a suggestion…um, can we never mention Steve Harvey’s dumb azz book again??

MELO

April 23rd, 2009
10:31 am

Foots,i can do that for free for u! Lemme know if u dont get smebody quick.

wonder if that’s the same mechanic that worked on that heffa’s BMW :???:

That chic tho has no conscience.Hw can u kill 5 pple and not skip a bit?

AmazonRed™

April 23rd, 2009
10:31 am

Request denied! This is a dating blog and that’s a dating book!

Foots

April 23rd, 2009
10:33 am

Amazon Girl, I hope not! This dude is Jamaican and he said he did all kinds of handyman work too. He got 12 job. Seriously.

That was a sad story. She took the lives of a whole family and another little girl and had decided that she was not going to face it. She didn’t do it on purpose, but now she’s in much more trouble than she could ever imagine. It’s good to see police actually doing their jobs too.

kimmie What’s panko?

Raqi

April 23rd, 2009
10:33 am

The first three months (90 days???) of a pregnancy relationship are the most critical and difficult. You are dealing with a change that is happening. It is during the first three months those changes will be accompanied by uneasiness, sickness, fatigue uneasiness, butterflies, unsurety and much more. Towards the end of those first three months (1st trimester) your body mind will have become accustomed to the hormonal emotional change that is brought on by a pregnancy new relationship. It will be exciting. It is new.

The second trimester is known as the honeymoon stage. It is during that stage that you are more comfortable with this new life that is evolving. The excitement sets in and you enjoy it for all that it is worth. Something new taking place. As the months carry on the evidence of this new life becomes quite visible to all that see. You will hear “how many months are you long have you two been together. And you will get the normal congrats all the other new life hypes.

For many you will go on and endure the travails that come along with having this new person in your life and you will find happiness and learn and grow with each other.

For others, you will abort.

(Disclaimer: The above statement was better thought out but I got tired and gave it to you like this.)

For Real

April 23rd, 2009
10:35 am

What up Blog Fam…

Here we go again with the 90 day BS and the representative BS.

If you keep meeting the same type of dude, guess what it’s YOUR FAULT!!!

If a dude is able to fool your simple azz for 90 FUGGIN DAYS, guess what it’s YOUR FAULT!!!!

If you don’t know what type of woman you are then ain’t no way you will know what type of man you want!

Be an adult, look at yourself, open your mouth, open your eyes, open your ears, and stop fuggin lying to yourself.

M'

April 23rd, 2009
10:36 am

@ARed

I just read that story too…such a tragic loss and a waste…and yes, how could person be in an accident that involved so many ppl, including babies, loosing their lives and just leave the scene????? WTF!!!!…I read the initial article right after it happened…so she knew full well what she had done…and now that popo had to come looking for her it will be even worse on her…7 charges I think…5 of them vehicular homocide???…wow, so young and now no doubt off to prison for a minute…what a waste.

Foots

April 23rd, 2009
10:36 am

melo Um…..thanks, but….I’m not at all inclined to take you up on your offer. LOL!! That’s nice of you to offer to help for free, but out of all people, I’d HAVE to pay you real cash, just in case you decided that we could “exchange” services. :-)

Kym aka Patty Hewes

April 23rd, 2009
10:39 am

I don’t think she appeared very remorseful looking in her mugshot. Tragic..that our youth have come to this. That you would not take responsiblilty for your actions. We all have to good or bad. Can’t run from it.

Leggs

April 23rd, 2009
10:40 am

Good morning everyone!

@mytwo…here’s my donation – .01 (enuf to blow up the toe of the doll)

90 days, 90 days! Heck, have to get pass all the crazy crap coming out of some of their mouths to even make it to day one!

AmazonRed™

April 23rd, 2009
10:46 am

M’ and Kym – Even worse to me is that her mama is a principal of an elementary school in Roswell. I wonder if she was in the car, in any case, I bet she paid for the car repairs. Why didn’t she turn her kid in or make her be responsible for her actions? What an example to set for kids at her school!

MELO

April 23rd, 2009
10:47 am

just in case you decided that we could “exchange” services

naw,naw,Foots but thats cool.Exchange wont happen unless the female is willing to exchange and is actually asked.
Wasnt on my mind tho.I was jus thinking,maybe ol boy is outta town,im free this satrday(hvent been for past 8 sartdays due to class cmittments),so why not just do a real friend a fav,for 1-2 hrs.For a mandingo,physical wrk is just like breathing!

ImAPeach404

April 23rd, 2009
10:49 am

Somebody shoot me a link to the girl in the BMW story… I’m lost but I think I gathered that this is regarding the story of the accident that killed the family??? Did some shady mechanic try and fix her car for her??? If this is what I think it is – thats eff’d up!

Foots Panko is Japanese bread crumbs – they are great! They are very lite and have a wonderful crunch. I bake with them… I don’t fry so I’m not sure how that works. You kimmie As far as your side, I think you should go with asparagus w/ maybe a lemon-butter sauce. Yall, I had some fried goat cheese the other… talk about delicious!!!

Sassy I agree with your 10:26 comment but these brothas got some 2009 games that I just haven’t come across yet. Because I keep getting fooled. And I’m not dumb, naive, or blind to the fact. I’m not ashamed to admit I keep getting duped. I give dudes a chance because I do want to believe that not all of them are the same and that I cannot hold the last experience over the head of the new guy. But each time, all they do is reaffirm that you should have never given them a chance to begin with. I’m still waiting for someone to prove me wrong…
I’ll tell anybody – I don’t have game. I’m just me and thats all I know how to be. Game is exhausting. And besides, I have a bad memory – it’s rather difficult for me to keep up with lies so I just tell the truth.

kimmie

April 23rd, 2009
10:51 am

Foots – Panko crumbs are Japaneese and are breadcrumbs from bread without crust. They are light and airy and crunchier than regular breadcrumbs. They are gaining in popularity. If you are near a Trader Joes they have a nice brand, and I think you can get them at nicer Publix and Whole Foods. Great on shrimp & fish – almost gives them a tempura crunch.

LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!

April 23rd, 2009
10:53 am

My two- Yes that is me.. He has major issues.. Poor thing.. We had a BALL with each other while it lasted :)

For Real- Sounds like you didn’t take your meds today..

kimmie

April 23rd, 2009
10:53 am

Peach/Foots – Yeah I only bake with them. I don’t fry much at all. Not good for me, plus I always end up burning myself -clumsy!

AmazonRed™

April 23rd, 2009
10:54 am

Peach, it’s on the front page of AJC.

LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!

April 23rd, 2009
10:54 am

Off Topic: The mom & the grandmother should be charged as well! They knew about all this! Why were they dressed in all black with hats on when arrested? They were in hiding!

ImAPeach404

April 23rd, 2009
10:55 am

Red yea, thanks. Just saw it.