Why do we lose interest?
We hear it on TV, from friends, even relatives. It’s perhaps gallows humor, but for many, they’re joking about the cruel truth: eventually, you’ll stop wanting to have sex with your partner.
That may be true for many of us, but the question TV, friends and relatives never answer is why. Is it because the passion you thought was real was just temporary lust? Is it because the familiar becomes boring? Is it that familiarity breeds contempt?
I was in a two-year relationship in which the intimacy fizzled, big-time. I think it was a mix of unresolved arguments that created an emotional divide I couldn’t overcome, combined with me feeling just plain unsexy after him seeing me with the flu or a stomach bug or simply in my worst states. Frankly, I think my own immaturity played a role, as I was then probably unable to handle the true intimacy that comes with a serious relationship.
Have you ever lost interest in sex with your main squeeze? And don’t give me any run-around about if the loving is good enough, the partner can’t say no; I think no matter your skills, life can get in the way. The reasons behind this phenomenon seem complex and varied, so tell me your experiences. Finally, if sex is no longer a big part of your relationships, do you think you can still make it work? Is intimacy still a huge deal after a decade or more together?
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279 comments Add your comment
dw
April 17th, 2009
10:34 am
Raqi–What you said about the grass reminds me of a time when a friend and I were hanging out and had to stop by Wally World (Walmart). His young cousin tagged along and I think most men here can agree that Wally World can give you whiplash and if you are with your lady it can get you popped on the back of the head if you get my drift. Well the cousin saw a particular young lady and said’ “Man, she fine as hell”, and my friend said “she’s probably somebody else’s fine azz headache”. Which I thought was funny but very true. You never know what’s going on in someone else’s world.
Holy Macaroni
April 17th, 2009
10:37 am
Humans are not meant to be monogamous. If you trust your partner, you should consider swinging. That keeps the spice going – especially when you see your partner having sex with another woman or man.
James D.P.
April 17th, 2009
10:38 am
Oh yes.
ABC, you’re right.
And to elaborate on what he’s saying-
Your thyroid gland controls most of the glands and pores in your body, and is simultaneously linked to your immune system.
Interestingly enough, if someone of the opposite sex smells good to you without any cologne or perfume or anything of the sort, then that’s your body’s way of telling you they’re right for you.
When they smell good, they actually have an immune system that is opposite of yours. Thus, your offspring will be immune to a wider variety of things, and the species improves by your selective breeding.
Studies show that couples whose scents are pleasant to each other have longer, happier relationships. (Sex was reportedly better, too =) )
Therefore, there IS actually such a thing as a soulmate
Biological soulmate, that is.
For Real
April 17th, 2009
10:40 am
Kimmie: You forgot the first rule when making a deal with the devil.
DW: That’s cool bruh that yall planned that but did you get your tubes tide after the fifth one? Also, was the last one a No. 2?
Kym: When was the last time you did a day at your son’s school? I agree it all starts at home when it comes to kids but I think parents and teachers should set expectations for kids. Telling a group of kids that one of them is a lazy azz might not be a good thing if the goal of the group is working together. Do you want some eggs? I got Sunday open?
abc: I agree with your chemistry but I think you left out the fact that the body is constantly changing. Physiologically you are not the same person you were 10yrs ago. But you did point that effort can overcome chemistry.
RandyT: Thank you for pointing out that men are not mind readers now matter how long we have known a chick. I always go back to BE AN ADULT AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH!!!
SexyCool
April 17th, 2009
10:40 am
Raqi – As you know, what I always say when the grass analogy comes up – The grass is not always greener. Sometimes, it’s not even grass.
Beautiful * in spirit
April 17th, 2009
10:42 am
morning BEAUTIES!
**Have you ever lost interest in sex with your main squeeze?**
yes, i have. right after our baby was conceived, i knew something wasn’t right. when he kissed me . . . nothing. when he caressed my breast . . . nothing. when he came up from behind while i was cooking . . . nothing. my libido was shot! i felt so bad for him. i ended up faking it till i made it.
SexyCool
April 17th, 2009
10:44 am
Um, so, okay – I thought my first post was somewhere languishing in the Land of Moderation. Apparently, the blog just ate the post.
Restating my first post – The times in my past relationship where I didn’t desire intimacy corresponded with three specific issues – money problems, health problems, suspicions of infidelity. Other than that, I have not yet encountered the ‘I-just-don’t-want-to-sex-him’ phase. And while I never say never, I can’t imagine it either.
Three Words Daily – Preparedness. Not luck.
dw
April 17th, 2009
10:44 am
For Real–No, I didn’t get my tubes tied but my wife did. I’m not sure what you mean by “No. 2″?
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 17th, 2009
10:44 am
For Real- I agree w/ your comment about what is said to kids about other kids..
DuShawn
April 17th, 2009
10:45 am
“I would try and get rejected…..” I once read that the only food that has been proven to kill ones sexual appetite is wedding cake.
I’ve been with my wife for ten years. There was a stretch, where we had three babies in four years. She’s still fine as hell. Few things hurt a husband more than getting rejected by his wife, especially if he’s trying to do the right thing. I might not be the richest or the finest dude out there, but I still get chose. Almost daily, some woman, either a co-worker or past lover, gives me a subtle indication that I could get that azz if I want it. You navigate your way through that temptation and faithfully come home to your lady, only to be forced to lie up beside some beautiful thighs that you can’t split. Now that’s torture. One’s mind begins to think about other females, that if in her position at that moment would be showing out. The next thought is of revenge. Immaturely, you think to yourself, Imma get her back and you await the opportunity to reject her. If you’re not careful, a vicious cycle develops. What’s even more dangerous is when both partners fear rejection so much that they stop trying and begin to develop a tolerance for not having sex. Typically, that’s the beginning of the end, unless both parties agree to talk about it and get things back on track. It’s an ebb and flow to this relationship thing and I’ve been riding the waves for a minute.
SexyCool
April 17th, 2009
10:45 am
Okay – I am so done with today’s blog and the disappearing/reappearing comments.
Kym aka Dominque Deveraux
April 17th, 2009
10:47 am
@For Real I just spent a day at my son’s school two months ago working on an event. And why you don’t have to say that person is a lazy so and so. Throwing kids into a group and saying now work together with no instruction, other than make the project work is not very productive. Frankly I think both parents and teachers are lazy as hell. Parenting is work-hard damn work. It is 24/7 365 and it goes beyond providing the necessities. Teaching is hard work. It goes beyond teaching the test and passing out worksheets.
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 17th, 2009
10:48 am
Sexy- That happens everyday to me.. Very annoying!
Dushawn- You are something else! God bless your wife
dw
April 17th, 2009
10:49 am
Dushawn–I can dig it.
MELO
April 17th, 2009
10:52 am
If you trust your partner, you should consider swinging. That keeps the spice going – especially when you see your partner having sex with another woman or man
HELLO!
Thats why im lurking and taking notes.Some of u have very interesting perspectives.
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
April 17th, 2009
10:54 am
RAQI…my problem with the do it anyway is when I have done that…you know “pacifier sex’…basically it’s like a baby that cries and to shut him up you give it the binky…I end up becoming repulsed and turned off more and more. Eventually I come to cringe at the thought of them touching me…almost like a victim to a rapist. I know..it’s a mental thing. But having sex when I do not want to almost feels like rape. I did that so much with an ex until hated him romantically. Now because we had such a great friendship with him because both had been through a lot and we both becames each other’s rock…I was able to let it go and have him as one of my best friends. He still till this day says he is still in love with me and that was from 2000. He says he has grown and I see that he has. But I can never see him in the romantic way again. It drudges up too many bad emotions. I think sex should be something you both want, not a chore that you just do just cause! It becomes robotic and who in the hell enjoys that? I think that is one of the main reasons I stay single. I do not want chores.
Hey RAQI…you and Mase doing lunchtime hotel check ins still?
FEE…I am moving away from you…the lightning is a comin’!
LURKER…I guess when your in your 70’s and up…sex is not as important. So should I date an old man?
DW…were you trying for a certain gender and kept ending up with the other? I am trying to figure out why people in this day and age still have so many kids? After all there are only 2 genders. If I wanted kids the ideal siutaution woudl be twins…a girl and boy and get it overwith. Pregnany is not something I ever want to experience…so I can’t see doing over and over.
ABC,….I agree with you 100%
Sassy Me....mmmm.....mmmm good :-)
April 17th, 2009
10:55 am
For Real Since he had a job not making alot of $$$$ and pying child support I dodn’t press him for the material things and let him knkow this. I was trying to help him out b/c I knew that he may have WANTED to do those things but wasn’t financially capable to. Instead of being one of those chicks constantly with their hands out I supported and encouraged him to try to do better. My issue was that there were so many other things he COULD have done outside of the $$$$$ that he just wasn’t interested in doing. There are things we could heve done together without spending money that would’ve been just great. My final deal breaker was when I WAS LAID OFF FROM MY JOB AND HE DID NOTHING FOR ME IN ANY, I REPEAT ANY FASHION OR CAPACITY. I own my own home and did all of the yard work as well as the house work and when I had that “Shyt I can do bad all by myself” moment I realized that he wasn’t the man I wanted or needed.
Randy I communicated with him how I felt and nothing changed. No I didn’t start our convo with that dreaded “We need to talk” but I calmly stated how I felt and asked him if he understood where I was coming from. The convo happened at least every three to four months for about a year and I just didn’t want to deal anymore. We never argued about it but after a while that same old ,same old just got plain tired old….So I ended things but not in a hostile manner.
Tony
April 17th, 2009
10:56 am
Here’s the skinny on intimacy – as long as she stays skinny, I’ll stay intimate.
SexyCool
April 17th, 2009
10:58 am
Just finished signing up to volunteer at the TShirt Distribution station for the Peachtree Road Race. They still need LOT AND LOTS of volunteers.
MELO
April 17th, 2009
10:58 am
Mytwo, i kinda miss ur point(10.03) altho i think i get it in drips,interesting!.Wld u dare to expound on ur views..jus for me bebe?
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
April 17th, 2009
10:58 am
BEAUTIFUL..I have heard of the dead libido when you are pregnant. I know that would be me….I’d be thinking…”sex got me in the position in the first place. Then of course since I am so body conscience….I would not want to be touched or seen naked while pregnant. Heck I am not even pregnant now and I feel that way! Oh well I guess I am just messed up!
dw
April 17th, 2009
11:00 am
No we were not trying for a specific gender, I have 1 boy and 4 girls. We were trying for a healthy addition to our family.
” I am trying to figure out why people in this day and age still have so many kids?”
What day and age is this that you speak of? This sounds like a rather judgemental question/statement seeing that I am financially and emotionally able to provide for my family in a very comfortable manner. We both come from large families and wanted one of our own. Don’t get it twisted there’s no “octo-mom” thing going on in my house bruh! Maybe that’s not what you meant but it sure seems like that’s what you were incenuating???
Raqi...28 Weeks with Braxton Hicks...
April 17th, 2009
11:00 am
LOL SexyCool Yeah I know.
But you know people would be so surprised as to how many different types of grass there is and the different climates and environments that it take for each to survive.
It’s like now you all read how much I am really into this man I am married to, but he can be a pickle do deal with sometimes. That’s the part that most don’t now or miss. LOL
For Real
April 17th, 2009
11:02 am
DW: Two guard…
LIONESS: Thank you. Do you wants some eggs?
Du: That was the realness there potnah. But they will claim in a NY min that they are satisfying all of your needs.
Kym: Yeah I just did the same in March and I noticed the teachers were unprepared lost time in between classes and gave task with no direction. I also agree that there are some lazy azz parents out there. My plan I’m submitting to Fulton Co. is that every parent be required to spend one entire day with their child at school. For the troubled kids, I suggest that after the 2nd incident with Precious at school, Fulton Co. should give the parents the option of admitting their child to a private school or pay Fulton Co. a tution for letting Precious attend. Something tells me Precious would straighten up then.
dw
April 17th, 2009
11:03 am
Actually, my son plays the point, and two of my little girls show promise to make pretty decent two guards.
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
April 17th, 2009
11:03 am
I feel for you Sassy. Been there done that.
DuShawn
“What’s even more dangerous is when both partners fear rejection so much that they stop trying and begin to develop a tolerance for not having sex”. Been there done that too…and the realization that you just don’t care anymore is really bad. That is when you reach that stage where if the other person raises their eyebrows you get pi$$ed off. Unfortunately I have those scars, and maybe that is why I have not remarried…don’t ever want to be in that situation again.
Beautiful * in spirit
April 17th, 2009
11:04 am
if y’all ever get a chance to visit northern cali, pls include in your plans carmel and monterey . . . breath taking.
not getting into a routine is key. being in a relationship is the hardest work. going to the office on some days was a vacay for me. why is this? doin’ it when you don’t want to . . . ugh!
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
April 17th, 2009
11:05 am
DW…I meant that back in the day people had klots of kids because they did not have access to birth control, or they had them to work the farm land, etc….but I was saying since like the 60’s (I guess)…big families weren’t as common. Not trying to say anything. I was simply asking why because I know a friend who has 3 sons who only had 3 kids because she and her hubby wanted a girl but decided not to try again because it may be be another boy. She said if her 2nd was a girl then her 3rd son would not be here. So that is al I was asking…no need ot get testy….GEEZ…
For Real
April 17th, 2009
11:05 am
Sassy: Okay but you forgot one thing in your response, YOU DIDN’T ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!!
Leggs
April 17th, 2009
11:07 am
@Melo, I ain’t birthing no babies.
Raqi...28 Weeks with Braxton Hicks...
April 17th, 2009
11:07 am
Staceye if you don’t mind me asking why was it that you were not into it so many times that you became repulsed. Could that not be a bigger issue, you not being in it to the point that you were only obliging him most of the time? Was it a matter of mixed-matched libidos?
The fact that I love my husband, he is good to me and good for me is good enough reasons when I am not really feeling it myself. And he does the same for me at times when he is not really there himself.
And we still do the lunchtime hookups, just not as often as we used to.
MELO
April 17th, 2009
11:07 am
Sassy, i think for men,there are times when a woman wants us more than we do but we like her sexx better! That cld have been it.
DUSHAWN, u broght an interesting perspective.Nice.I hope i dont get there myself.
DW,Queen can be aggressive with it.There are times she literally just jumps on ma top.I may not be feeling it same way,but it gives me a BIG chip on ma shlder that she pining for my balls and stethoscope.
For Real
April 17th, 2009
11:08 am
2E’s: My parents has 4 kids. When you come from large families there is a tendacy for one to have a large family although that didn’t happen with me. Just sayin tho.
DW: I expect to those girls at UConn in 2020.
Sassy Me....mmmm.....mmmm good :-)
April 17th, 2009
11:09 am
MY2cents lol at your 10:02(you spyin’ on me)
I’m not bust IV Reals lip….Imma put ‘em to use though……hehehehehehe 
Beautiful * in spirit
April 17th, 2009
11:13 am
hi STAC!
i invited the touching, etc. i even walked around the house butt nekkid with a big belly hoping his looks as i walked by would turn me on. we tried a lot of techniques too. nothing. but one thing that did work was oral, which is my favorite thing to do anyways. we got thru it pretty well imo.
dw
April 17th, 2009
11:14 am
For Real–I’m working on it, bruh, I’m working on it.
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
April 17th, 2009
11:15 am
RAQI…yeah I think it was a case of mix matched libidos. He wanted it and did not. I use to dance for him and he loved it. I was cool with that but I know it was a tease if I wasn’t doing it to lead up to sex…so even that stopped.
FOR REAL…my mami is 1 of 5 (was 6 but her twin died at birth) and it’s funny all of her siblings have 1 child a piece. They all said they saw no reason to have large families because that is just more kids to take care of. Go figure.
Beautiful * in spirit
April 17th, 2009
11:16 am
RAQI, you beat me to the punch. love. that’s it right there!
dw
April 17th, 2009
11:18 am
LOL–@Stacye
U can roll yo eyes and stomp yo feet but this black boy u sho can’t beat.
Peanut butter mutha@## two times a B@#$$ u mess with me u get yo @zz kicked.
Didn’t mean to get testy, I’m just passionate ’bout my babies.
Tazzee
April 17th, 2009
11:19 am
Morning Folks!
First let me say that Jennifer Hudson put on a GREAT show last night! Robin Thicke was good too.
Can’t comment too much on this topic but I’m liking the comments from the experienced folks. As usual Raqi is putting it down, I’m filing this stuff away in my JIC file.
Headed to lunch at Chequer’s.
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
April 17th, 2009
11:20 am
RAQI…yeah, I think it was a case of mix matched libidos. He wanted it and did not. I use to dance for him and he loved it. I was cool with that but I know it was a tease if I wasn’t doing it to lead up to sex…so even that stopped.
FOR REAL…my mami is 1 of 5 (was 6 but her twin died at birth) and it’s funny all of her siblings have 1 child a piece. They all said they saw no reason to have large families because that is just more kids to take care of. Go figure.
dw
April 17th, 2009
11:20 am
LOL @Melo yeah when she’s the aggressor it does boost the confidence tremendously.
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
April 17th, 2009
11:21 am
DW…Come on Cletus…..
Sassy Me....mmmm.....mmmm good :-)
April 17th, 2009
11:21 am
Sassy: So you are saying he never did anything nice for you, you never had that look on your face when he touched you, he never massaged you, your belly didn’t poke out after buying you dinner, or after you have had a long day you snored after you have been bathed, fed, burped, laid and put to sleep?
For Real He didn’t have alot of money….he tried to do dinner but I knew he couldn’t always afford it. With the other things like touching or massaging that happened in the beginning but faded soon after. It’s always good in the beginning but anyhoo……..
After a long day in the lab no I wasn’t bathed,fed,burped,laid or put to sleep. He’s the kind of man that has to be TOLD EVERYTHING TO DO and after a while who wants to end up doing all the work…..cause that’s how I felt…like I was doing all the work.
Sassy, i think for men,there are times when a woman wants us more than we do but we like her sexx better! That cld have been it.
MELO I disagree cause I did things for him outside of sex that a woman hadn’t done for him before(yes even his mama.) In the end he didn’t our relationship to end but I wanted to be happy. He’s not a bad guy but I don’t want to do the work of both the man and woman in a relationship cause that’s not what it’s about. It’s takes TWO NOT 1.5 BUT TWO.
Raqi...28 Weeks with Braxton Hicks...
April 17th, 2009
11:22 am
DuShawn I feel what you are saying but a no should not be interpreted as being rejected, although we often do. I think that is where a fine line exist. Being human we automatically feel that our partner not wanting sex is them rejecting us. But I know for me 95% of the time it is not. Yeah there are days when I am angry with him and don’t want him to touch me, but most “no” days are pretty much me being preoccupied, tired, or whatever. But that’s why we have to make the efforts to do it anyway. I don’t always obey that law, but you know…
And I guess it would hurt to state it to your SO, although they/we at the time will not want to hear that, it could help to let them/us know that it’s not you that we don’t want just the act itself at that time.
(Disclaimer: I stopped typing to do something and then picked back up where I think I left off so I hope that above statement makes sense)
Beautiful * in spirit
April 17th, 2009
11:25 am
i want my palm read. there’s a lil place down the street i keep passing by. hmmm.
MELO
April 17th, 2009
11:27 am
And he does the same for me at times when he is not really there himself.
Raqi,are u really sure bout that? If Mase is as moody as u say he is,im sure there are days/moments u in the mood urself and dripping with desire dere but u cant go there coz hes spining his head and mentally hiding in the corner,oblivious to ur presence.Is that the realest?
dw
April 17th, 2009
11:29 am
RE: Sassy
“He didn’t have alot of money….he tried to do dinner but I knew he couldn’t always afford it”
I learned how to cook a long time ago and my family actually enjoys my cooking more than going out to eat.
If he had cooked for you would that have made a difference? Or is it the going out part that mattered? You have probably already addressed this, if so my bad!
Raqi...28 Weeks with Braxton Hicks...
April 17th, 2009
11:31 am
You all know that “Raqi” Aufton Izzabych but a kind one at times, so I will admit to a time or two not going to bed immediately or “falling asleep on the couch” when I knew he was up there setting the tone I was really not feeling it and did not want to even be bothered with the whole song and dance and possible NO ending. I wouldn’t lie to ya.
AmazonRed™
April 17th, 2009
11:34 am
Here’s the skinny on intimacy – as long as she stays skinny, I’ll stay intimate.
Sad to say, but you’d be amazed at the amount of men who think I’d be a great long term partner because I’m thin now and even with 50 extra pounsd I still wouldn’t be fat.
I’m amazed at how many guys think like this.