Dealing with a crankypants partner
During the past few months, Roland has been working extra long hours at the office; his company is down a crucial staff member, and he’s had to pick up the slack. The stress began to take its toll: not only did we rarely see eachother other than late at night, but we mostly just talked about his work (which can definitely grow old, as can any conversation that happens too often) and his patience for everything else (including me) seemed to grow thin.
I won’t pretend anything about that period was easy; he pulled away while I wondered what was up. I tried to be supportive, but it seemed at times my presence was stressful as he needed more time alone. I finally pulled back myself, letting him do his thing while I did mine, and that’s when we started communicating more easily.
The experience was definitely a lesson in how two people handle stress and conflict. He’s more like a cat who hides away when sick, whereas I seek stress relief with a friend or partner. I admit, those two habits (or needs) are probably not the best fit.
How do you handle your SO when he or she working all the time or is stressed out by life? Are you eternally patient and supportive, or do you get to a point where you realize your needs aren’t being met? What has helped (or hurt) in past relationships during those periods?
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289 comments Add your comment
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 16th, 2009
8:08 am
Good Morning All
Going through that BS RIGHT NOW!! This is a rough period since I haven’t EVER been through anything like this before
Blow Me
April 16th, 2009
8:19 am
Good Morning all.
Got to let the man make the DONUTS. Relax and chill back.
If it’s meant to be it will be.
ok N E X T !
Blow Me
April 16th, 2009
8:21 am
Lioness I think we are all going through this with the economy. I guess we should be thankful they even have a job.
Obviously the company thinks of them as an asset and instead of a liability. lol!
let them make the doughnuts..if they weren’t working THAT’S the REAL problem then!!
dw
April 16th, 2009
8:27 am
I’m dealing with this as well. My wife got a new job and was very excited about it. She had not worked in years because we had small children and she stayed home with them until they became school age. At first, I would sit and listen to her go on and on about her job and her new co-workers and I just chalked it up to her being excited about working. After a year I knew her co-workers and their life histories and had never met any of them. I was sick of it. Then she gets a promotion and it turned from going on and on about how she loves her job to how much stress and pressure came with her promotion, her job cell phone rings all the time, on off days, after work hours, during dinner and family outings. I told her that I didn’t like it, just like she didn’t like it when my job would do it to me. The difference is that I let my job know that I would be unavailable after I left the office except for dire emergencies and the calls for minor things stopped, but she won’t do that and says she can’t do that.
So now when she talks about her job or stress from her job, I give her the, “ok”, “you don’t say”, “really?”, but I have no clue what she is saying because I tune her out when she starts talking about work. Sometimes she notices and gets angry but if she refuses to stop talking about work and bringing that stress home with her then that’s what she going to get. I know it’s probably not right but that’s where I am right now.
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 16th, 2009
8:30 am
Blow Me- I haven’t spoken to mine in a minute.. Not sure what the deal is..
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 16th, 2009
8:31 am
DW- Goodness but I feel you..
Ms Alld
April 16th, 2009
8:43 am
Dealing with this one as well. I listen and sympathize with my SO.
Blow Me
April 16th, 2009
8:46 am
Lioness How long is a minute to you? Let’s see the timing if it’s worth getting alarmed.
Professor
April 16th, 2009
8:50 am
I will say this a work-life balance is important. As for dealing with a SO work problems I will only deal with them for awhile…everything gets old.
DW- I really hope your wife can secure a balance. Research has shown that “taking” the job home adds to an unhealthy life: high blood pressure, stress, lack of family time or time alone, and etc. It is not healthy at all.
I understand that there are times when work is stressful, but you should be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
mqew
April 16th, 2009
8:50 am
BLANCA – sounds like you did the right thing by falling back a bit to give him some needed space. Glad that worked out for you…. that won’t always work for some.
DW – you sound like my SO. I swear I might as well be Charlie Brown’s teacher wa wonnn wonn won is all he hears sometime. It was okay with me cause at the time I was just venting. It’s when I feel it’s important… I’ll stop look at him and say HEY LISTEN…then he’ll start to listen and i’ll proceed. Whateva works!!
dw
April 16th, 2009
8:55 am
MQEW–That’s about how it goes.
Professor–All of the above are evident right now, and I have expressed that to her, and what’s crazy is that when I was sacrificing family time to get ahead at work she told me the same thing, I changed those habits but she won’t take heed to her own sermon.
Professor
April 16th, 2009
9:08 am
Hopefully she will be able to find a balance. The bad thing is most employers reward the best employees by giving them MORE work, so the rat race never ends.
If she does not feel like she can tell them not to call her after she leaves work, she should at least give them some guidelines e.g. Wednesday night I cannot take any calls please let me know who you would like to serve as my back up, or Saturday I will be in the mountains with my family and I will not have a signal…anything.
I can tell you this I have seen so many associates run themselves in the ground because of work (one even died while he was putting his socks on to come to work)…and guess what? The company was still open that day and work was re-distributed and life went on. So I will tell anyone even in these tought times to strike some kind of balance even if it is just one or two days a week, and most of all eat right and get your check ups.
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 16th, 2009
9:15 am
Blow Me- 2 weeks..
AmazonRed™
April 16th, 2009
9:17 am
Morning all.
I’m very self sufficent and not emotionally needy meaning, I don’t need a lot of attention to be happy.
If a guy needs space, I can give it to him. (Just don’t be mad when I don’t sit around at home waiting, I’m going to enjoy myself
)
I remember the basic tenants of Chris Rock: Feed me, F** me, leave me the f*** alone. And take heed.
The problem is…in my last relationship, my steady had a job…he just hated it. So no matter how supportive I was going to be he was going to be unhappy. He wanted to make a career change, so I helped with that, but he didn’t follow thru. Eventually, I told him to stop complaining and do something about it…. and yeah that didn’t go over so well.
Not my problem anymore.
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 16th, 2009
9:18 am
Ared- The truth never does..
mqew
April 16th, 2009
9:20 am
Ared. Sounds like you gave him sound advice, but I’m sure all he heard out of your mouth was “Man the f up”. Yeah… I’m sure that didn’t go over well
Blow Me
April 16th, 2009
9:26 am
Lioness If you guys are in a relationship..Something is definitely going on. More than just at work. He stills have obiligation to see you if you guys are working on a relationship. He should not be able to pick you up and sit you down at his discretion. Cause they will try it lol. You might want to think about that. I was thinking like 2 or 3 days..But 2 weeks..that is way too long! Especially if you guys are trying to build something.
AmazonRed™
April 16th, 2009
9:27 am
Ared. Sounds like you gave him sound advice, but I’m sure all he heard out of your mouth was “Man the f up”. Yeah… I’m sure that didn’t go over well
mqew – I thought men were solution oriented. Guess not!
But I did the back rubbing “I’m sorry baby. Forget that job!” for a year. A year! I couldn’t take it anymore.
lurker
April 16th, 2009
9:29 am
I haven’t been in relationship where my SO was cranky. If anything I’m more likely to be the one. I remember though, I guess around the age of 27 or 28, I dated (off and on) this dude about 10 years my senior. Hard working, ethical, reliable and most impressively, took good care of his ailing mother. One thing that irked the heck out of me that I could not for the life of me get around…he was grouchy most of the daggone time. Face frowned, complaining about everything and everybody, voice always at an elevated pitch…LOL I think he’d done it so much that he wasn’t aware. If I made mention of “why are you looking this way” or “what’s wrong now” he never seem to grasp hold of his current state…grouchy. He was also aggrevated with the fact that after a certain amount of time, things had not escalated to the next level. I would say that I needed to see more from him (translation: can you ever be happy) to move forward and he would say he needed to know I was on board (tossing it up a bit with him) before he could so, it was a draw….probably caused him to be even more of a grouch…LOL Can you image though going there with a dude that spent the majority of his time up in arms? I mean can you switch gears and go from gouch to sexy? Being a grouch was a friggin turn off. Every date or outing with him would bring back to mind how my mom would say folks are set in their ways after a certain amount of time. Even when I comtemplated maybe making it exclusive, I’d always think uh uh, he’s too set in his ways.
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 16th, 2009
9:29 am
Blow Me- BELIEVE ME, I am WELL aware! I agree, there is something seriously wrong with that! A lot of family issues too.. Sick family members. SO I am willing falling out of the picture completely
Raqi...28 Weeks with Braxton Hicks...
April 16th, 2009
9:31 am
Good Morning.
Patience is a virtue.
We are definitely feeling the effects of the economy in my house and yes it gets stressful sometimes. My husband tends to go into his zone anyway when he gets stumped by something in his business or gets really stressed out. But I have to give him credit now. He is dealing with all of this a lot better than I have seen him in the past.
Maybe it’s because of the baby, who knows.
I had to learn how to deal with him in dealing with his stress. There were a few times that I asked myself can I deal with this. But once I learned how to handle him and his way, it got a lot easier. Just let him be. When he is ready to talk, he will talk.
The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothing else while saluting
April 16th, 2009
9:31 am
Today is going to be hilarious. Let me get some refreshments and isten to all the complaining. Ok, go. LMAO
MELO
April 16th, 2009
9:40 am
My Queen wants to see the cheeese in the bank,thats the most important thing to her!! SECURITY.No matter how hard I work.
She is worried if im not at home and its not work related.
If i have to be working hard and long hours but the bank is getting fat,she not worried
And I personally dont bring work home.I cope differently with pressure,go to sleep,go play soccer,run in the park or stuff like that.
On the other hand,I have helped steer Queen away from stress iunducing jobs.She has high blood pressure so we have to make sure we manage that.When the mortgage thing was at its height,she was doing 2 jobs and smetimes sleeping really late,working at home to close on deals.Just as well that bizz went in flames!
Our kids are young so its important for her to find that work-lyfe balance.
I dont wanna be a widower at this young age!
FEE
April 16th, 2009
9:40 am
Hey Everyone!
On Topic (I think) Most woman are nurturers by nature, thats the way we are internally wired, so when someone is hurting on any level, whether physically, mentally, emotional, stress, etc… We try to sooth things over, take the optomistic road, even if the picture looks grim, we are like secret deodorant “never let em see you sweat”… and we outwardly show it.. Most men on the other hand from experience, internalize almost every situation, and instead of talking about it, the become secluded or dismiss themselves from the general public (family, friends, etc) until it all blows over, then act as if nothing occured.
If you are a women that knows how not to take it personal and know thats its not really about you, when a man goes through this period of stress and seclusion, you will come out the better for it.
If not, you will come off the hindges trying to figure out what you did or said, and again, in most cases its not about you at all.
Then again, if you find him pulling away, not calling, staying out late for months on ends, etc, etc, etc, as willa wonka would say, he might just be steppin out…
M'Karyl
April 16th, 2009
9:41 am
People are built so differently…especially when it comes to how we process stressful situations in our lives…some ppl clam up and brood, others are incessant jabber-mouths…I believe in learning how a person handles the stressful situations in his life and determine how that melds with my own boundaries…I think the hardest thing for another person is to need a certain space to make it through the processes, however that may be, and not have the support to do so…we have to learn how to not take these things to personally and if the circumstances allow us to be more open and lenient, then we should do so…because whatever this moment is hopefully will not last forever.
Raqi...28 Weeks with Braxton Hicks...
April 16th, 2009
9:42 am
“taking” the job home adds to an unhealthy life
Professor when your spouse’s work is his life it can get tricky. He is his work. Although he leaves the building where he conducts his business, he carries his business in his shirt pocket. It’s with him all the time. Some nights I wake up and he’s got that little calculator out figuring. Some days he is punching numbers for his work and some days he is punching numbers for our living. His work is our living.
AmazonRed™
April 16th, 2009
9:43 am
Today is going to be hilarious. Let me get some refreshments and isten to all the complaining. Ok, go. LMAO
Yeah! My current husband left me to got to Kuwait, picked up 3 other wives and only sends me home rings made of diamond shavings! I’ma cut his azz when he gets back here! Take that!
Leggs
April 16th, 2009
9:46 am
Good morning everyone.
Blanca, you pulling back was the wisest step for you take. Glad you did it.
@dw, you say when your wife mentioned the calls from your job, etc. you pulled back but when you mention the same things to her she’s not taking heed. Can I ask you this, how long did it in fact take you to pull back? If this is just starting with her, give her some time, pretty sure she’ll see the writing on the wall and the affect it’s having on family time. Well, I hope so!
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 16th, 2009
9:46 am
MK- Very well put!
Ared- LMAO!! And he is not wearing anything but a towel on his head.. MEN
MELO
April 16th, 2009
9:47 am
Yesterday was off da chain tho.Uall did a good job and Raqi,u represented really well on the female side.
Beautiful,that was ur topic suggestion??
U and Blanca hit a home run there.
Blow Me
April 16th, 2009
9:47 am
Lioness Girl you better take you azz back home and get you a good man in NYC…cause they are lacking here in the south and they love to play the number game too.
M'Karyl
April 16th, 2009
9:48 am
@Ared
LMAO…go figure right…sheesh
did not take him long to adjust the cultural norm of multiple spousies…hehehe
Leggs
April 16th, 2009
9:49 am
@ARed, that was funny!
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 16th, 2009
9:51 am
Blow- This retarded! He is a very good guy but his family & work life is consuming him
I am here for him if he needs me but I will continue to live my life.. I just hope he is alive..
Raqi...28 Weeks with Braxton Hicks...
April 16th, 2009
9:52 am
Karyl one thing I have…no, am learning is sometimes the best way to help is not try to help at all. We have got to let people deal the way that is best for them. No matter how much I think I have the solution sometimes I have to just let it be.
Yes it gets hard because first you want to help. You don’t want the one you love to suffer. Then you have a solution that may help but it doesn’t matter when they don’t want your help.
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 16th, 2009
9:56 am
Raqi- That is soo TRUE!
Leggs
April 16th, 2009
9:59 am
….sometimes the best way to help is not try to help at all.
This is very, very, very true! It’s hard, but sometimes one must work it out for themselves. The fact that they know they have that support (mentally, emotionally and respectfully) truly helps in the long run!
abc
April 16th, 2009
10:00 am
Don’t talk about work when you’re not at work, especially with your SO, who has no involvement in whatever is going on. Share the successes, keep the rest to yourself. To do otherwise is to inflict it upon your favorite person, and who wants to do that? If it’s something you can’t handle, look into another line of work. Life is too short. I speak from experience.
East Point's Own
April 16th, 2009
10:00 am
FEE Re: your 9:40 post I have to say that a real man does not go into hiding and wait for problems to blow over and them emerge from the darkness as if nothing happened. I can speak for myself and the men I know, only, but what I see is that the men I know may disappear to focus on fixing the cause of the problem, where as some women sit and worry about the effects of the problem instead of fixing the situation which is causing the problem. I am a firm believer in taking the time to fix something so that it does not break again… at least not in the same place as it broke before even if it takes longer than putting a band-aid on the situation so you can keep it moving immediately.
Not to make it a male vs. female thing because we all should know that its about the indiviaual rather than “all men” or “all women” but I find that the women I know tend to have the same situations pop up in their lives repeatedly because they are not taking time out to prioritize things in life and fix the root of their problems.
One thing we all need to do ocassionally but we often rarely do until a time of turmoil, is to take time out and analyze the things going on in our lives so that we can change course on certain issues if necessary. If we did this more often we could prevent much of the stress caused when things come crashing down all at once and are forced to deal with things at that time, instead of dealing with them on our own timeline and terms.
MELO
April 16th, 2009
10:01 am
He is a very good guy but his family & work life is consuming him
Cuttie,follow Blow’s advice.
Cut ur losses early and RUN.Work lyfe and his family were not consuming him when he BLAZED u but he is now all consumed with that stuff now?? Thats a playa’s exit right there and u dont see it coz u caught some feelings.
RUN BABY,RUN..
East Point's Own
April 16th, 2009
10:03 am
Its alright to be nurtuting and caring and all that…. but if your dude is known to be honest and means what he says, then its best to leave him alone if he says he needs time or if he is not receptive of your nurturing when he is going through things… I personally can get quite annoye dwhen I am trying to solve or cope with a problem and someone is hovering around constantly asking what the problem is or how can they help… you can help by going over there—-> and leaving me alone.
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 16th, 2009
10:05 am
Melo- I am not lost and very hip to game.. Each situation is different but I am handling mine appropriately.. Life ALWAYS goes on.. Never stagnant
Wasn’t looking for advice here, just stating that I am going through the same thing. thx a bunch 
LIONESS- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 16th, 2009
10:07 am
EPO-One thing we all need to do ocassionally but we often rarely do until a time of turmoil, is to take time out and analyze the things going on in our lives so that we can change course on certain issues if necessary. If we did this more often we could prevent much of the stress caused when things come crashing down all at once and are forced to deal with things at that time, instead of dealing with them on our own timeline and terms.
************************************************************************
I agree if you are a person who doesn’t know how to deal with situations BEFORE they become problems..
The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothing else while saluting
April 16th, 2009
10:09 am
Ared, wait a damm minute, they promised those were some of the highest grade diamond shavings on the market. You know I only want the best for you my little love button. Btw, though I’m not with you I left a part of me with you. Check in your desk, top right drawer. I left a pile of my bills for you to pay so we’ll always be close. Btw, can you take care of those because these folks keep calling me and interrupting the time I have to think about you. You’ll always be my wittle smookie wookie.
I met some guys here and we’ve become good friends. Thing is they complain about everything. I pulled one cat to the side and told him I don’t get down like that. I don’t have time to sit around and complain about what could have been. Your in the desert and your going to get sand on you, deal with it. Now whenever they start I do a pattern interrupt. Thats where when they start talking you change topics quickly to break them out of that pattern. I’ve cut their bytching down to 40%. LMAO Try it, it works like magic. Thing is you can’t allow that thing to go on. Another method is slapping the ish out of them, that usually breaks their train of thought too. LOL
M'Karyl
April 16th, 2009
10:10 am
@Raqi
Yeah…that is what I mean…sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is to let the other person work through it…and allow them to have the space needed without taking any sort of unusual behaviors too personally…I am one of those ppl who likes to work through my own solutions and I will ask for support where and when I need it…but I do best when I have my own control space to operate in…and whether some ppl realize it or not, their attempts to “help” may only create more distress and distraction because their external thought process gets in the way.
Blue_Kolla
April 16th, 2009
10:10 am
Who has contacts within Wells Fargo Bank mortgage department, in particular, that underwriting office in Maitland, FL? …’cause I need to speak with a few supervisors.…
Where you at Pop? ’cause I know YOU know somebody.
Hit me at blue_kolla@yahoo.com
FEE
April 16th, 2009
10:11 am
@EPO…FEE Re: your 9:40 post I have to say that a real man does not go into hiding and wait for problems to blow over and them emerge from the darkness as if nothing happened. I can speak for myself and the men I know, only, but what I see is that the men I know may disappear to focus on fixing the cause of the problem..
Now what did you say differently that I didnt say… Disappear /Seclude yourself is the same word in itself. Internalize / Think things through again is from the same bowl of cereal….
what I mean as act as if nothing happened, they dont talk about it even after the storm has blown over, most women do.
I have brothers, male friends, and dated, was married… I didnt say all men cuz I dont know all men, I said most men… I am not going tit for tat but in essence you said the same thing changed the words, in my POV.
Its not a M vs W… its just the way it is Women do handle, process and confront things differently than Men. and its nothing wrong with that.
People make situations, situations dont make people. so you can only fix, change, and improve yourself.
FEE
April 16th, 2009
10:13 am
Truth… I am proud of your 10:09am, go baby cakes!
Cougar Hunter ( My, My, My)
April 16th, 2009
10:13 am
Good Morning good people!
If you are in a relationship and you are having financial or work related issues their is no reason I repeat know reason to stop communicating with your SO. It’s not about manning-up etc it’s about realizing your job is only one part of your life and you must continue to work your family.
Look when stressful financial times hit I will listen , sometimes given advice but for myself I keep a diverse life so I am not burdening someone with my issues. I will speak on it and go on to something else.
We are becoming consume with job/financial issues so much that it is now the number one reason for marriage break–ups. We have to find a better way to handle this!
Pick-up a book and read it, work-out sometimes. Overthinking gets you no-where, trust me you already have the answer just put it into action and beready to tweek the plan as you go along!
Cougar Hunter ( My, My, My)
April 16th, 2009
10:15 am
Lioness: It seems he is trying to get out of the relationship. If you are important a man will call no matter what to see how you are doing!
Do your thang!