The lily pad theory
I have a theory about relationships: when contemplating break-ups, most people naturally consider their other options before ending something completely. In other words, they look for their next lily pad.
I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, nor can we necessarily control thinking about it. In fact, it might even be helpful to remind oneself there are other viable fish in the sea.
In my view, it becomes a problem if we stay in an unhealthy or unsuccessful relationship just because no other love prospect is in sight. The decision to end a relationship shouldn’t be about leaving for something better or worse; it comes down to whether you think said relationship has the stuff of forever. But how many people do you know will stay in a crappy or “OK” relationship because they have no better offers?
Have you ever found yourself looking for a lily pad when deciding to end a relationship? Are you more comfortable leaving someone behind if there’s someone else in the present? Are you someone who leaps to another lily pad, or someone who isn’t afraid to get out there and swim?
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169 comments Add your comment
Hey Hey it's Re Run
April 13th, 2009
8:02 am
Good Morning All
dw
April 13th, 2009
8:49 am
This reminds me of a story my wife has been telling me about a friend of a friend that she has. This lady’s husband is cheating on her and she knows about it to the extent that the other woman has written her a letter expressing to her how she likes the new bedroom set that she bought. However, she justifies staying with him because she doesn’t want to “start over”. Personally, I would not have a problem with starting over and being alone until another “lily pad” drifted by if the circumstances warranted, and I certainly think this woman’s situation warrants a new beginning.
Raqi
April 13th, 2009
9:18 am
Good Morning.
Some people view relationships like a job. They stay with what is current and paying the bills despite all else until they land a better position. Better can be benefits, location, environment and/or team work. And some actually move on to what it is they really wanted to be doing in the first place. Just needed a place to start and become experienced.
I have never stayed in a relationship because I had no other prospects. When it was time to go, it was time go. I have never entered a relationship looking out either.
Raqi
April 13th, 2009
9:20 am
Some people just cannot be alone. Or rather prefer not to be alone. The theory something is better than nothing rings true for those individuals. It is not uncommon.
AmazonRed™ - loving this life
April 13th, 2009
9:23 am
Good morning lovlies! How were your weekends?
Of course I consider my options before ending my relationship, even if the conclusion is that I’m going to be alone. At the very least, I’m preparing my heart and my head for a change.
I don’t often jump into another relationship, but I do know the outcome of leaving the relationship is more benefitial than staying in it.
dw
April 13th, 2009
9:42 am
That’s very true @raqi. I have at least two friends who always seem to end relationships with one foot in the current relationship and the other in their new relationship. It’s like they never get a break to do a self evaluation and figure out what went wrong in their relationship, instead they move the baggage from one relationship to the next like moving from apartment to apartment.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 13th, 2009
9:48 am
Good Morning All
DW- Your wife’s friend’s friend is an IDIOT!!
dw
April 13th, 2009
10:12 am
NYC–I know!
Raqi
April 13th, 2009
10:14 am
dw a few years ago I had the opportunity to leave my present job. In fact I did give my notice however the actual leave never materialized. But that’s a story for another day. Anyway, my leave was to go do something else. Not exactly something better but something different. And with today’s topic I look on that decision and think about the how the benefits of each weigh as it would pertain to a relationship.
At my present I have good benefits, good pay that as of now is guaranteed twice a month, seniority that awards a certain degree of leeway. These are much desired. However, I am on the clock. I answer to a higher authority. Not only I am responsible for others, those individuals look to me for certain aspects to fulfill their responsibilities.
When it came to the other thing, I would not have to answer to anyone. I would have been my own boss per se. No set hours. And really would not have many directly depending on me. I would have been pretty much doing it all my self. However, the benefit packages would cease to exist as they presently are. The pay would not be guaranteed as it stands now. And would vary from one day to the next.
IMO that is how some not only view but handle relationships. Let’s take married versus single. I will give the pros and cons in one second as I did a job.
SexyCool
April 13th, 2009
10:18 am
It took me a long time to learn that I really do need some time between relationships. I need time to heal, to regroup, to reflect, to remember who I am as an individual again. When I am in a relationship, I tend to forget just how much I LIKE who I am as an independent being and how much enjoyment I can have in my life as a single woman.
I can confidently say that I’ve stopped looking for the next lily pad.
Three Words Daily – Strive for Excellence.
Blanca
April 13th, 2009
10:35 am
DW So your friend (of a friend of a friend) knows her man is cheating, but she stays and pretends its all OK? Or does he know she knows, but keeps doing it because she won’t leave him? That makes me almost more frustrated with her than her worthless husband.
FEE
April 13th, 2009
10:42 am
Hello ALL
@Raqi…. I agree with your 9:20am, I have a friend back at home that where’s a T-short with that motto on it. I point blank tell her, if you like it I love it but I dont want to hear about it, cuz you do have a choice.
Me on the other hand, I would rather be single and happy, then to be involved and sad… I do not hold on to people just for the sake of having someone….
When I pray I always say Lord help me to sever every dead relationship that doesnt bring me life, or give you glory. time is too short for foolishness.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 13th, 2009
10:50 am
Blanca- REMEMBER, a man is only going to do what you ALLOW him to do.. the wife is the enabler..
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 13th, 2009
10:51 am
Sexy- Have you ever asked yourself why you get into relationships that don’t allow you to continue being you?
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
April 13th, 2009
10:53 am
I have a friend who is in that now. This dude has made it clear he wants no relationship with her and its been 2 years. But yet and still my friend claims she loves him and that she has not met anyone that woudl make her leave him alone. I told her her pride and self esteem should be enough. This guy is no prize…they only thing I can see if that he is good looking. But other wise….he is broke…has 2 kids and 1 baby maybe! He is rude and selfish and pretty much has nothing to offer. I told her good dizznick is NOT the reason to stay with somebody who has disrespected her so many times and in so many ways. It’s sad to see someone so educated become a complete idiot when comes to a guy. I know that I do not have to have a new guy in the waiting before I leave. Suppose it’s 10 years before that great guy comes along that could make you forget the douche-bag you have now? Life is too short! Like time…Staceye waits for no man! More people should take that approach. Spare themselves lots of trouble. If a guy does not see what a prize he has in you….MOVE ON! It’s not rocket science!
FEE
April 13th, 2009
10:56 am
Let me ask the question… does ALLOW mean Ignorance, or just being passive?
Blanca
April 13th, 2009
10:56 am
NYCUTIE Exactly! What does Oprah (by way of Maya, was it?) say? You teach people how to treat you.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 13th, 2009
10:59 am
Fee- Passive.. In DW’s wife’s friend’s friend case, ignorance.. Depends on the situation.
Blanca- From the very beginning.. Some women don’t understand that..
FEE
April 13th, 2009
10:59 am
Staceye…???? if its been 2 years for your friend, how does he not want a relationship and stick around for two years.. he doesnt want the same kind of relationship as she does right… mmmmm
See thats why I dont date right now… too much issues, situations, dang!
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 13th, 2009
11:00 am
Staceye- Does she have kids?
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
April 13th, 2009
11:00 am
Hi All (from DC again and if Delta doesn’t start upgrading me soon I’m flying Airtran…these crappy seats on standing room only flights are starting to really pi$$ me off)
I have always gotten out of relationships with or without a place to land, but have often experienced this scenario with ladies I was seeing. When I know a relationship is not working, I put the New Balances on and move on…no exceptions and no waiting for a new ride. I’ve had two that I almost married go back to their ex-husbands when they started conveniently calling about “the children” almost every day. I suspect I’ve been used for “entertainment” (okay sex) in relationships while said ladies looked for a more financially established ride. Now I do not have that problem, but in my leaner years after my divorce when I did not have “a pot to pee in” money was obviously important to any lady looking for a permanent relationship.
It may seem strange to the younger ladies on this blog, but the older ladies get, the more they pay attention to the bulge in the hip pocket, rather than the bulge up front. Security becomes more and more important and I suppose that is fair. It is what it is.
Cougar Hunter ( I luv the southern phat booty!)
April 13th, 2009
11:01 am
A tremendous good morning to everyone! I hope everyone had a great weekend!
First did anyone check on STACEYE this weekend?
On topic: I have been guilty in the past going from one relationship to another with-out taking a long recess from relationships. The lily pad approach happens for some many reasons, but I do know that we all need to take a break to refresh, reevaluate and reassess what we want to do in the future in regards to getting into another relationship.
To copy Sexycool: Three words of wisdom AVOID THE DRAMA!
FEE
April 13th, 2009
11:03 am
I believe some times in some of the situation the foolish one sometimes just doesnt know any better. depending upon what they were exposed to growing up.
People have to understand, that children learn from what is caught not taught… compromise is much easier learned, than standing up. know a days especially with alot of young mothers, its only going to get worse if someone doesnt grab ahold of these young men and women and teach/show them what relationship consists of.
SexyCool
April 13th, 2009
11:04 am
NY – I was not saying that my past relationships do not allow me to be myself. I am saying that I forget who I am as individual doing the things that I like to do alone and making decisions with no regard for anyone but myself.
Any one who says that their life is not different as half of a couple than from when they were single is not telling the truth.
I give every effort to being a good partner and like who I am as a mate. By the same token, I like who I am as a single person. When I am in a relationship, memories of my enjoyment of single life tend to fade because I am 100% present in the relationship.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 13th, 2009
11:05 am
Women need to stop looking in the dirt for good men!
Randy- Are you saying that young women only want sex & older women want stability?
AmazonRed™ - loving this life
April 13th, 2009
11:06 am
Suppose it’s 10 years before that great guy comes along that could make you forget the douche-bag you have now?
It’s more like never. When you’re wrapped up in someone else, it’s rare a greater option is gonna emerge. Your focus is different because you have someone (even if he stinks)
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 13th, 2009
11:09 am
Women with no self esteem + children + a man= Baffles the crap out of me! What can these women teach their children?
Raqi
April 13th, 2009
11:14 am
“Any one who says that their life is not different as half of a couple than from when they were single is not telling the truth.”
That kinda sums up the S vs M list that I was going to post. I lost all that I had typed when for some crazy reason my computer shut off. This thing is acting really janky today. Maybe she’s on the rag.
And to add to that quote, it is different. Not always good and not always bad. But it is different.
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
April 13th, 2009
11:16 am
FEE…ignorance means unknowledgable of the situation. So that ladies isn’t ignorant..she’s a dumb @ss! I do not feel sorry for dumb @sses. They know right from wrong..but choose to stay in denial.
Well they reason he sticks around is because he gets all the comforts of having a girlfriend with her…raw dog sex, companionship and a chick pining for him. But he gets to keep his options open do do as he pleases!
NY CUTIE…that’s the even more sad part about it…she has no kids. So she is considered more eligible.
ARED….”It’s more like never. When you’re wrapped up in someone else, it’s rare a greater option is gonna emerge.” I told her this a million times. I told her she has on a douche-bag blindfold so how can she see anything else? She has a some pretty decent guys trying to get at her…but she is so far up this dudes rectal cavity and she still thinks his ish don’t stink. So what else can I do? I told her I don’t care what he does to her now because she deserves it for being with him. She is one of the dumb@sses I spoke of. I have no sympathy for her.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 13th, 2009
11:16 am
I hear that but I believe that applies if the couple lives together..
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
April 13th, 2009
11:19 am
NYCUTIE OOPs, did not mean to imply that exactly. I just have noticed that younger ladies are more susceptible to a nice smile and a smooth line. As ladies mature, their values shift toward who can support them the best, and they tend to evaluate the “balance sheet” as much as the charm. It is almost like security becomes much more important than romance. It is more like “we would make a good team” rather than “I really love this guy and would folow him to the ends of the Earth”. Probably because they have had too many take them to “the end of the Earth” and then push them over the cliff.
FEE
April 13th, 2009
11:20 am
Staceye… yes definitely I agree in her instance she is foolish…. Its not that opportunity doesnt come knocking its that the person does not recognize it because of what is in the way…
abc
April 13th, 2009
11:24 am
No lily pads for me. Between relationships, I rather enjoyed the time alone, with no interest in dating. It’s nice to be without all the hassle sometimes. After awhile I’d prefer some company, but it’d take awhile.
Even now, sometimes it’s nice when she goes somewhere for a few days. After a few days I want her to come back, but it’s nice to have some alone time, sometimes.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 13th, 2009
11:24 am
There is no saving a female when they like a no good man! She is well aware the dude ain’t s***! Can’t feel sorry for these types of chics!
Raqi
April 13th, 2009
11:28 am
Alphabet Man I like you. You are one of the few men on this site that actually admits to like being in a relationship. And from what I read in you, you actually see a benefit or should I say a plus in being in a relationship.
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
April 13th, 2009
11:28 am
Hey Stacye.
I have seen that exact scenario so many times it hurts. Do some people have some compulsive need to be used, abused, screwed over? They make me wonder in the same way that I wonder when I see a wino on the street what happened in his past that destroyed any vestige of self esteem or pride. How can someone KNOW they are being just used want to stay for ANY reason?
That is a scenario that I just do not understand at all. As the saying goes, “it is better to be alone, than to be with the wrong person” (although the perosn who had that streaming across her computer screen went back to her ex and got screwed over again…go figure).
Jazzyone
April 13th, 2009
11:33 am
I believe that when in a relationship one can lose themselves in another person, thus leaving some of yourself on the shelf. I learned along time ago that to be healthy, self preservation is key and sharing myself but not giving up on myself in the relationship with another in a healthy way is who I am.
Ending a relationship I don’t immediatley rebound to some guy or behavior I take time and re-evaluate the dos and don’t for the next. I am comfortable with myself and being with myself i enjoy my own company and would date me if I were someone esle. So its all good. Jumping from one to the next well..it will be what it will be….a possible disaster and a constant comparison of him to the new new and thats a no no. No man should have to bear the burden of the last man…
I have never in my life stayed in a relationship because I don’t have another man to fall back on…thats not healthy at all, when Im done Im done and we can move on, no drama or hate just not together….
Jazzyone
April 13th, 2009
11:36 am
**Randy**..naw that doesn’t fit all women..security cause im older?? how about in ATL ya’s young and old looking for a come up off a woman who has security so the same hold true for some of you all…priceless..shdh..
dw
April 13th, 2009
11:43 am
Blanca-Yes he knows she knows, the other woman has even been out to his shop that he runs in the back of the house while the wife is home under the pretense that she is there on business. He has a barber shop and she comes to “get her eyebrows done” every other day and stays for no less than 45 minutes per visit and I’m told you can smell her perfume permeating throughout the shop after she leaves.
THE MELO
April 13th, 2009
11:47 am
has even been out to his shop that he runs in the back of the house while the wife is home under the pretense that she is there on business
This drama is unfolding in which hood dw???????
Raqi
April 13th, 2009
11:53 am
In talking about losing yourself in a relationship, that is kinda relative to a discussion my sister-in-law and I were having yourself. We were talking about staying aware. We were not talking about losing yourself in a relationship but we were discussing staying aware in the relationship as not to let things (you and him) become mundane and you find yourself in a slump some years down the road. Settling in and becoming “comfortable” can lead to getting in a rut of boredom. Now everyone should be comfortable in their relationship but mind-numbing routines and the lack of fresh and new ideas can kill the spark.
You should always stay aware of yourself and where things are headed.
dw
April 13th, 2009
11:53 am
Raqi–There’s is definitely a difference between single and married. I’d say one of the most important differences is decision making. I’m not talking about communicating and comprimising, although those do play a large part. I’m talking about the decision making process in general. When you are single and have a decision to make all that matters is how it will affect you so you make that decision based on that. But, when you are married your first thought should be how the decision would affect your spouse and/or family. There are several other differences but for the most part they fall along those lines. 1 vs 2
dw
April 13th, 2009
11:54 am
Melo–They live in Birmingham
Jazzyone
April 13th, 2009
11:54 am
You block your blessings when you are with someone or in a situation that has reached its term. ..stay in it or around it and you will never be able to see or experience the blessing that should be bestowed upon you casue you dealing with Bullz**T…
THE MELO
April 13th, 2009
11:55 am
few men on this site that actually admits to like being in a relationship
Is that it Raqi?? U been here how long,5 yrs? U like him even tho he admits to massive rotation aka long term temporary.Wld that be ur standard and the one u admire if u were male? hmmmmmmm?
Leggs
April 13th, 2009
11:57 am
Good morning everyone. Back from spring break. So glad to be back home.
I never could understand those who jump from one relationship to another without even, someone said it earlier, having time for “self-evaluation.”
Also, for those that stay in relationships because they are afraid to be alone need counseling.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 13th, 2009
12:02 pm
DW- Should have known.. Almost ALL of the people I know in relationship drama are in Birmingham..
FEE
April 13th, 2009
12:05 pm
Hi Leggs…. how are you?
Hey Hey it's Re Run
April 13th, 2009
12:08 pm
hey do you think I could get a good deal on airline tickets later this month April 30….right now I can’t find any good deals.
Anyone have any suggestions?
M'Karyl
April 13th, 2009
12:12 pm
@Ared
I agree with you…looking at all of your options is essential, including that of being alone at the end of the relationship….which I believe is necessary…but I think that when ppl end a relationship, like dw stated, it is time for a chill pill and a self-evaluation period before starting something new…and moving all the old baggage in with it…we need time to assess ourselves and the relationship…determine our own issues with self in it and then attempt some sort of reconcilation and then go forward into something new.