Let down your guard
I was hanging out with my friend Harold recently. He just got out of a relationship with a young lady. I suppose it’s break up season, people are gearing up for spring flings and summer trysts. But, Harold insists that the only reason he ended things was because he grew tired of jumping through hoops.
When I asked him what he meant, he said that the woman he was seeing was extremely cynical about men. In the beginning, he attributed it to her being cautious and guarded. He soon discovered that she had a serious problem with trust. He asked me, what can a man do to show a woman that he is a good man?
Harold and I had a long discussion about dating the “bag ladies”. He has had the same issue before and I told him to pay closer attention to what a woman says. I think that some women carry baggage that hasn’t been dealt with properly (men too).
What advice would you offer someone like Harold?
Ladies, have you ever dated a guy who was guarded and suspicious about women? Did you run for the hills or stay and reassure him?
Guys, do you have problems with women who are guarded and cynical about men? Do you date “bag ladies” or avoid them?
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206 comments Add your comment
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 9th, 2009
8:14 am
Good Morning All
QC
April 9th, 2009
8:31 am
GOOD MORNING BLOGGERS
HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT DAY/WEEKEND IT’S MY FRIDAY HAPPY EASTER 
I will honestly say i do have a “TRUST ISSUE” when it comes to dating..It’s not as bad as it use to be…i’m learning they’re still some very GOOD MEN in this world…HOLLA
http://www.blackthen.com
Raqi
April 9th, 2009
8:47 am
This is funny because one of the last comments that I remember reading yesterday before escaping the workforce was a
manfew men stating that women are to jump thru hoops. Put in work. Prove her value in order to show the guy she is worthy of his time and affection. And all of this after he states he has no relationship interest in her.And today we have it coming from the opposite direction. A man stating that he come upon women that are guarded and he is put thru the wringer to prove he is a good man. And not like the former.
As for letting your guard down? IMO you have to let your guard down however you should keep your finger on the trigger until you can be sure all threats have been disengaged. And then you still can’t be too sure then.
It is an unfortunate fact of life that many of have paid for the sins of others (and some still will) and as well have subjected others to pay punitive cost.
There just comes a time when you have to say not all men are
untraineddogs and not all women are evil.It get tiring on both ends. I was determined I was not going to fall in love with Mason. Look at me now. I. am. sprung. Head-over-heels. My heart in his hands.
Stan
April 9th, 2009
8:47 am
No need to offer advice to Harold, he did the right thing. I married a woman with trust issues and it takes a TON of patience to make it work. You have to be ready to defend yourself from left field attacks on your character, love for her, and anything else she gets in her head.
Is it worth it? Only if you love her that much and have the patience to make it work. If you don’t, then cut bait and start anew.
AmazonRed™ - raising the bar on these ninjas
April 9th, 2009
8:59 am
Morning everyone –
Well, WiseDiva if Harold is over 6 feet tall, I’d advise him to give ole AmazonRed a call.
But seriously, yeah, homechick needs to be alone until she can let her guard down. A good guy should be able to accomplish this, but maybe she needs to lose a few to get her act together.
We all have our issues, but if they are preventing you from forming solid relationships with people, you need to be single til you get yourself together. No need in spreading your misery to others.
Rico
April 9th, 2009
9:02 am
Good Morning Diva!
Great article to start the morning I must say!
I once dated a woman once who brought her old baggage into our relationship. And from a man’s standpoint it’s tough to deal with. Because you then have to go back to correct someone else’s mistakes. I do believe that this occur more often with women than men though. Not saying that it doesn’t happen to men, but it is more common amongst women.
From experience, women seem to always fantasize and dream about finding that God-fearing, loving, caring, financially stable, strong minded, sensitive, romantic, etc. man, and in essence feels as if they are going to keep searching (regardless of how many times being hurt or let down) until they find that brother that they are looking for. And due to thet fact that men are not open and expressive in showing how they feel a lot of relationships end without any closure and as a result the woman that is hurt, takes part of her previous relationship while looking for that perfect brother into her next.
Men on the other hand are different. We live by the saying, “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.” We’re not going to get hurt too many times in our lives by love. This is due to the fact that men are taught as young boys to be tough, never let another person know how you feel and what you are thinking. If you’re hurt, toughen up. No one cares how you feel. And because we live our lives not knowing how to handle being hurt and shrugging off every bad emotional hurt that comes our way, we become very immune to giving a f*** after a while.
But back to the point (sorry I can tend to be long-winded), the relationship between Jane Doe and I didn’t last very long. She never fully trusted me because due to her many past misfortunes, she had already began to stereo-type and classify all men being the same. I tried to hang in there because we dated for almost 4-5 months. Do you think I waited long enough or is the wait time judged by how many times she has been hurt?
The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothing else
April 9th, 2009
9:12 am
Day 2 of my weekend and I’m feeling pumped. Had a good run through my neighborhood and then hit the weights. Dam life is good.
On topic: Don’t respond to that madness. There is no right answer. All of that madness exists in a persons mind and that has to be worked out by that person. I’m not a therapist
Reminds me of a chick that tried to tell me about something her ex used to do that she wanted me to do. I said if he was so good to you why are you here? She never used that one again. Its all just cheap manipulation tricks.
Raqi
April 9th, 2009
9:16 am
You know when the biggest hurt come? When you thought the one that screwed you was one of the good ones.
By friend Laci was talking the other day about this guy she just had a bad experience with. She calls him Huckleberry Finn. She got caught up that “go white, he’ll treat you right” rave and determined that (in her own words) “hell that ain’t something new, just something different. a different color, same old actions”.
The white is right mess is not true but she tried at the advice of a colleague and found that dogism has no color.
For Real
April 9th, 2009
9:17 am
I say the problem lies with Harold. This isn’t the first time he chose a bag lady. Harold sounds like a he like to solve women’s problems and when he realizes the problems are too many or too deep for him to solve he moves on and blames the chick. Suggestions for Harold:
Always look at the eyes they never lie.
Look at her body language. Arms crossed, lip pushed out, stands on one leg – run
If a chick doesn’t smile it means she ain’t happy – run
If what happening in her is someone’s or some other things fault – run
If her left heel is ashy – run
If she has sweat stains under her arms – run
If the butt seam on her tight pants is frayed – run
If she is wearing 9 fake nails – run
If her teeth are off-white or light brown – run
If that small area between her thumb on pointing finger is ashy – run
Last thing Harold, RETIRE YOUR CAPE!!!!
Sassy Me....mmmm.....mmmm good :-)
April 9th, 2009
9:18 am
Mornting blog fam
Thankfully I haven’t dated a man with trust issues about women,HOWEVER, I have been the one with the trust issues b/c most of my past relationships ended b/c of the guy cheating and me bouncing shortly thereafter. That being said, I didn’t carry that baggage into my new relationships…never ever even talked about it. There did come a point where I refused to be in a relationship,didn’t respect men and only wanted a one around when I felt “friendly”. Eventually I let that go b/c I did realize that I wanted more but it takes time.
Harold shouldn’t have to pay for other men’s mistakes or the mistakes his ex lady friend made either….he did the right thing FOR HIM. The woman he was seeing needs to put those bags down and soon enough she will get tired carrying them around.
Sassy Me....mmmm.....mmmm good :-)
April 9th, 2009
9:21 am
For Real how you doin?…thank you for the watch. Do I owe you anything
Sassy Me....mmmm.....mmmm good :-)
April 9th, 2009
9:22 am
If her left heel is ashy – run
For Real
April 9th, 2009
9:24 am
Sassy: Only if you can trust me.
For Real
April 9th, 2009
9:26 am
Truth: Where are you again? My boy changed jobs thus his info changed.
For Real now wondering is you have to have a college degree to be a Pirate?
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 9th, 2009
9:29 am
For Real- LMAO! I doubt it
The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothing else
April 9th, 2009
9:30 am
For Real, yeah i figured that. I tried to reach him a few times and all came back undeliverable. I’m in Kuwait City, Kuwait. Where is he now?
NY2GA, Inc.
April 9th, 2009
9:33 am
Yes, I have dated a guy who was guarded and suspicious about women. In time I learned that had some issues of the straight jacket variety. I broke things off when I realized that I was fighting a losing battle. I never looked back. One of the best decisions I ever made. Sometimes you have to preserve yourself. If you’re not happy with the one you’re with, you have a personal decision to make.
For Real
April 9th, 2009
9:39 am
Truth: He is in Kandahar AF, Afghanistan right next to This Is It.
Wise Diva
April 9th, 2009
9:42 am
Good morning! Thanks, Rico
For Real, I agree, Harold has thing about high maintenance women, and we debate this all the time. HE thinks that anything worth having is worth working hard for. I don’t think that is necessarily the case all the time, there’s work hard, and then there are exercises in futility. We have to learn to recognize when someone is emotionally unavailable to be in an adult relationship.
Tazzee - homeownership delayed
April 9th, 2009
9:46 am
Morning Folks!!!
As people (men and women) get older, we accumulate bags. Sometimes we think we’ve let those bags go and something can cause us to pick those bags back up. I think Harold needs to determine if each woman he encounters is worth the break through. Just like the fellas were talking about yesterday. Eventually, he’s going to have to put in the time to make it work and gain a woman’s trust.
Shoot, I haven’t dated a lot of men but I sure do have trust issues and it takes a while to let my guard down. My current man of interest told me one day I was making him pay another man’s tab. He’s semi-right. It doesn’t help that he does and says some of the same things as the last guy I dated. Coming out the box like I’m ‘the One’ so I’m just telling him that I need time to determine if his intentions are genuine. I basically had to stop telling him ’slow down’ and just let him go about his proclamations of my fabulousness.
But then I find out that he’s making me pay some other woman’s tab in a different way – he had to admit when I told him…so we all have and will encounter some baggage – we may just have to help the worthy ones unpack it.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 9th, 2009
9:48 am
I believe people need to go into relationship with a positive mindset..
For Real
April 9th, 2009
9:49 am
Wise: The next time he hits you with “anything worth having is worth working hard for” line tell him air is worth having but you don’t have to work hard for it. You know I get really tired of people that are afraid of easy. I shouldn’t have to work hard for you to be with me and neither should a chick. If I like you then the things I do for you are because I like to. If I don’t like the things I do for you then I don’t like you either so I step. Oh and Wise you really need to work on that leg shaking thing.
QC
April 9th, 2009
9:50 am
For Real you still have your ‘BLOG SWAGGER’
For Real
April 9th, 2009
9:56 am
Tazzee: “As people (men and women) get older, we accumulate bags.” – I disagree, as we get old we should be learning more about ourselves and are able to deal with and let go of past issues. I think some women hold on to past issues like a badge of honor. ex: That was the last time a man ever did me wrong.
For Real
April 9th, 2009
9:57 am
Thanks QC. Do you want to see again? Zipppppppp!!!!
AmazonRed™ - raising the bar on these ninjas
April 9th, 2009
9:57 am
I am in agreement with For Realz today.
abc
April 9th, 2009
9:58 am
To prove you’re a good man, consistently be one. When the woman projects her baggage upon you in the form of assumptions about who and what you are, based on experiences in her past with other men, assert strongly that you’re not those men. You are what you say you are and what you demonstrate yourself to be, not what she thinks you are.
It’s more difficult to get across than it sounds, but it’ll get across sooner or later, if you have the patience to wait. Nobody would blame a man for lacking patience enough to stick around forever waiting.
Cougar Hunter ( I luv the southern Shawties!)
April 9th, 2009
9:58 am
A Beautiful Morning to everyone! I luvs the sunshine!
I have not dated anyone that had major trust issues with nor do I come in a relationship not trust issues! Each person I meet is unique and different… that being said I will not date someone who has trust issues!
The past is the past! We just need to use the past to learn and grow from our mistakes!
@Raqi: I don’t believe Truth statement from yesterday was that Diva work effort would detract her anything else she is doing in her life. Diva can control the amount of effort she puts in the friendship/relationship with said brutha.
We often put in work and sometimes do not get the desire results!
Everybody have an outstanding day especially the ladies!
Tazzee - homeownership delayed
April 9th, 2009
9:58 am
For Real – agree to disagree…
For Real
April 9th, 2009
9:58 am
Dayummm where in the hellz am I getting all this time to blog this morning?
For Real now working a spreadsheet to figure out the total number of combinations for Cash 3.
The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothing else
April 9th, 2009
10:00 am
NY, I agree with the positive mindset. If i let someone else control my outlook, especially in a negative way, then I am “less” than them. I can’t allow that. Plus I’ve known enough good chicks to know they’re out there.
Tazz, I thought about you this morning, actually twice but I’ll only share one of them with you. I was talking with a 25 yo Kuwaiti chick I met and we were talking about the cultural differences. I asked her how they date in this country and she said, “We don’t, we marry”. Thats all they know. She also said if a woman isn’t a virgin she will not be getting married. Period. Women here dont even entertain the thought of seeing a bunch of guys. They go do the thing and make it work.
For Real, alot of cats are pulling out of Iraq and heading to Afghanistan. My neighbor was talking to me about going over there but he said they lost 4 workers last year, lost as in dead. Those afgannies are well trained after years of wupping the Russians. They aren’t a joke and they play rough. Thing is you can make a gang of loot, if you can make it through it. What company is he with?
QC
April 9th, 2009
10:00 am
For Real – OMG, YOU COULD NEVER LOSE THAT
Sassy Me....mmmm.....mmmm good :-)
April 9th, 2009
10:01 am
Sassy: Only if you can trust me.
For Real Everybody starts off with a clean slate with me….it’s up to you to maintain it
…..I play fair (most times 
)
For Real
April 9th, 2009
10:03 am
Tazzee: No agree with me that you are wrong. That’s the only way you will learn.
For Real has computed that there are 5,875 logical combination to Cash 3. All he has to do is buy all of the combinations and he is guaranteed to win $500.
Tazzee - homeownership delayed
April 9th, 2009
10:05 am
The Truth – so you thought of me, LOL.
For Real – OK, you’re right in your own mind
Raqi
April 9th, 2009
10:07 am
To prove you’re a good man, consistently be one
Exactly abc. And if a woman cannot grasp that and come to terms with it over time, then obviously that man is better off without her.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 9th, 2009
10:10 am
For real- LMAO!! I agree with you. People need to learn to LEARN from their past experiences so that they don’t continue that pattern..
Also, I believe people need to STOP conjuring up stuff in their minds about their SO.. Stop assuming the worst because of what was done to you in the past.. Dating is not that serious!
kimmie
April 9th, 2009
10:10 am
Morning Blog Gang
For Real’s 9:49 summed it up for me today. Didn’t think I would ever agree with him that much, but it’s a first for everything:)!
Diva – Your friend is a prime example of a big realization I’ve been trying to point out about men that complain about women all the time. He’s attracted to the same type of woman – he knows coming out of the gate they are high maint, spoiled, difficult. He likes the ish, but after awhile it gets old & then turns it around and makes it the womans fault. You got what you went for, so don’t complain. QUIT DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER, BUT EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT!
I’m chillin the rest of the day!
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 9th, 2009
10:11 am
Abc- Doesn’t that get exhausting? Constantly trying to prove your insecure SO that you aren’t the way they assume? I couldn’t deal with an insecure person PERIOD! Gives me a headache!
The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothing else while saluting
April 9th, 2009
10:12 am
Cougar, my statements from yesterday went totally over their head. They dont have a clue what I was talking about.
Tazz, I thought about you because I knew you would love that part of the culture.
STOP HATING ON @TTENTION WHORRES
April 9th, 2009
10:13 am
DID ANYONE LISTEN TO FRANK SKI THIS MORNING?????!??!
Tazzee - homeownership delayed
April 9th, 2009
10:20 am
The Truth – I like the concept in theory, but I want to be able to choose my mate and spend time getting to know him. So while dating can be frustrating, I like it. Plus I want to get married – and I ain’t no virgin.
kimmie
April 9th, 2009
10:25 am
I hate to say this again about the ole squirt, but Frank Ski layed it out this morning!
QC
April 9th, 2009
10:25 am
I listened to Frank Ski this morning
Sassy Me....mmmm.....mmmm good :-)
April 9th, 2009
10:26 am
@TTENTION yeah I heard the majority of what he was saying…what do you think about was said..by both he and Wanda? What I thought was kind of embarrassing was the woman who called in acting all fly and fierce…talking about her not wanting to be married… choosing to be a single mother….driving her Mercedes on Int.85…owning her own businesses…blah….blah…blah. I don’t think she REALLY thought about what she wanted to say and how the repercussions its going to have on her 3yr.old. I think when Wanda & Nina came on and shared thier points about children wanting their daddies around it made her think. Especially when Wanda told her that girl especially will come to a point when they need their daddies more than sons do with regards to certan things. I know that later on that lady that called in is gonna think about that and realize that she sounded kind of stupid….kind of. The sad thing is she wants to have more kids
For Real
April 9th, 2009
10:27 am
Truth: Yeah he keeps trying to get me come over there but I’m allergic to dying. I hope you changed your life insurance policy or got one from your company. I’m not sure what company he works for but he seems to be happy. He has been overseas almost 5yrs now and he says he ain’t never coming back.
Awwww yeah Sassy wants to clean my slate. Go head girl let me get that for you. Zipppppppppppp!
Tazzee: “In your own mind” – That’s all that matters!!
NY: People (when I say people I mean women) also need to unclutter their mind with unnecessary ish. The less you concern yourself with the less trouble you will have in your life.
Kimmie: Stop flirting with me.
kimmie
April 9th, 2009
10:27 am
Blog quote of the day award goes to abc:
To prove you’re a good man, consistently be one.
Same for ladies too.
Raqi
April 9th, 2009
10:27 am
NewYork I wouldn’t say it is a matter of trying to prove anything or even a matter of trying to convince anyone, just a matter of being consistent. Being who you are. It’s up to that person to either see you for who you are or keep disbelieving. If they can’t see, they blind themselves.
kimmie
April 9th, 2009
10:35 am
Sassy – Agreed, that woman was kind of sad. Wild how Ski went “Farrahkahn” this morning, but it was deep and they all were so right. A lot of people are being very selfish when it comes to their children. Kids don’t give a ish about all that material stuff at the end of the day. They want and need their parent’s love and attention and guidance. I would not trade my childhood for anything in the world. I’ve always wanted the same for any children I might have. People ask all the time why I don’t have any. Even deeper than my desire to have children is my desire to do it right – with a husband in the house to share in the parenting. I’ll have it no other way. And I’m so not talking about people that find themselves single parents due to divorce or death.
For Real – Flirting, who me? Coming from the one who offered dessert yesterday?LOL!!
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 9th, 2009
10:38 am
Do they have the audio of the call?