I wish you knew how to quit me
I think I’ve been dumped. Yeah, it’s not right, but it’s ok. The only frustrating thing about the whole thing? This man is pretending he has not dumped me. I mean, things took an obvious turn when he actually said that he did not want a serious relationship (with me?), and I said that I understood. I was bummed about it but I certainly respected the fact that he was honest enough to tell me.
So, imagine my surprise when his phone calls, text messages, and requests to spend time with me…continued. I expected us to be friendly, but I figured it would be, you know, friendly from a distance! At least long enough for me to get over the little love jones I had have.
I never thought I’d say it, but that whole disappearing act is starting to appeal to me. At least I would have less confusion! I am just wondering why he doesn’t give me space. (Why haven’t I asked for it?) It’s actually frustrating because I do enjoy his company. I just wish he knew how to quit me!
Guys, is it hard for you to break up or dump a girl that isn’t your type? If you two have a great time together, do you try to keep her in your life? Do you usually delete her phone number? Do you avoid places you may run into her?
Ladies, have you ever had a guy break up with you, yet, he would not fall back? What did you do? How do you make room for a new potential, if the recently departed dude won’t ..um, depart? If you could choose how a guy dumps you, would you prefer the “The Lingerer” (as in my case) or “The Casper” (as in, he gets ghost!)
I think men generally know that it won’t work out a great deal quicker than women. Now, actually doing something about it, is a different story. They dont like being “the bad guy”. I could be wrong, what do you think?
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299 comments Add your comment
Raqi...I'm, unsexy in my shirt; unsexy in bra; unsexy, arrgh.
April 8th, 2009
8:18 am
My motto is “out of sight, out of mind”. I did hate the ones that I thought would lead to something but didn’t, and the guy still wanted to be “friends”. Go away already.
There was this one guy that clearly stated we were not on the same page but said that we could still sleep together if I needed it.
The problem was we hadn’t even had sex before. Well at least I had never had sex with him. I don’t know what he fantasized about when he was in the comforts of his home, LOL, but to state and think that I would want to have sex with him and we were not “on the same page”??? But yeah that whole we can still be friends thing and seriously expect it to me was a bad breakup tactic.
Out of sight, out of mind.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 8th, 2009
8:19 am
Good Morning All
The ball is in your court now so it is up to you to leave him alone.. Don’t answer his calls all the time and definitely don’t go out with him since you are trying to get over him..
I have been there before but my case was that he was falling for me and was scared, so he made a rash decision and realized that he made a mistake.. We made up a couple days later..
Your dude seems like he wants his cake & eat it too.. Since he has come to that decision, please don’t sex him!
Raqi...I'm, unsexy in my shirt; unsexy in bra; unsexy, arrgh.
April 8th, 2009
8:28 am
NewYork I say don’t answer his calls at all.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 8th, 2009
8:32 am
Raqi- I agree BUT it will be hard for Diva since she stated that she is still has the “love jones” for him.. When she speaks to him now, she will understand that they really don’t have anything to talk about.. Then that will prompt her NOT to answer his calls eventually.. As long as she doesn’t call him..
Mz Alld
April 8th, 2009
8:32 am
Good morning all, I have experienced this one. The guy became distant enough to let me know he was not ready for that ‘next step’. I put all cards on the table with “We need to talk’ (Steve Harvey’s forbidden words). He would never admit that he wanted to part ways but there was an obvious distance in the relationship. So I did it for him. I departed!!!
ImAPeach404
April 8th, 2009
8:34 am
I bet everyone on the blog can relate to this scenario in some fashion – I know I can – currently going through it. And after having both types of situations – The Linger and Casper – I prefer… neither. I truly think Casper is an effin jerk because not knowing is worse than him staying around. Like Cutie said above, if you have a Linger and you keep in contact with him it’s your choice b/c you are continuing to make yourself available to this person.
This is always easier said than done, but just stop accepting his calls until you’re ready for friendship and when/if he makes plans to spend some time, don’t agree unless you know you are truly over him. I always find it beneficial to change their name in my phone to something like “DON’T ANSWER GIRL” or “HES NOT INTO YOU” and as of late “DONT DO IT!!!” Oh yea, I also gave the current Linger a “mute” ringtone so now, when he calls, unless I happen to be looking at the phone, I miss his calls. It’s easier not to call back than it is not to answer
That is all…
kinderbabe
April 8th, 2009
8:40 am
i too think that this guy shouldn’t be given the time a day. he just wants to keep what he’s got going w/you w/o an expectation of a relationship. that’s not fair to you. i say, move on and take the time you need to get past it.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 8th, 2009
8:41 am
Peach- That is HILARIOUS!! I used to do the same thing!
Question: If a guy becomes distant, do you think it is ALWAYS that they are not into you?
Maybe they are afraid of the feelings they have.. Sometimes running is not always the answer..
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 8th, 2009
8:42 am
http://www.newsweek.com/id/192583/output/print
Interesting article
Tazzee
April 8th, 2009
8:43 am
Morning Folks!
I can’t stand either – Linger or Casper. But if I had to choose, I would choose Casper. Like the other ladies have said, it seems like we need to be the ones to walk away from Linger. Many times though, we get caught up hoping that he’s in the process of changing his mind (at least I have). For me, something usually clicks and I move on because it’s hard for me to actively date one man when my heart is with another.
ImAPeach404 I love your names! I would just put DNA, but I’m going to have to use more creative names like you
Mz Alld
April 8th, 2009
8:43 am
I agree ImAPeach404
I had to cut all contact until I was over him and able to deal with a friendship.
I like this…..
I always find it beneficial to change their name in my phone to something like “DON’T ANSWER GIRL” or “HES NOT INTO YOU” and as of late “DONT DO IT!!!”
Raqi...I'm, unsexy in my shirt; unsexy in bra; unsexy, arrgh.
April 8th, 2009
8:45 am
NewYork I just can’t get with that “afraid of the feelings” when dealing with grown folks.
Mz Alld
April 8th, 2009
8:47 am
NY … you are right the distance doesn’t always mean the guy is not into you but you have to decide for yourself if it’s worth waiting for and how long you are willing to wait for this person to come around.
Leggs
April 8th, 2009
8:47 am
Good morning everyone. I’m loving this non-traffic due to spring break.
@WiseD, he’s calling and texting to keep the door slightly ajar. I know it’s hard, but you need to ignore those love jones because you’re only giving him what he wants when you answer those calls. A sexual romp w/nothing attached because he already told you he doesn’t want to get serious. So, why give in? Sometimes, you just can’t stay as friends. Handle yourself and code his name in the phone (love that idea) and keep it moving…
@NYCutie, you’re right. A lot of men run because they are afraid of their feelings. For those that do that, they need to crawl under a rock and stop dating.
Raqi...I'm, unsexy in my shirt; unsexy in bra; unsexy, arrgh.
April 8th, 2009
8:49 am
Tazzee I would think the assigned names on the caller ID would have to be given to more than one DNA caller. If I broke it off Mason right now and didn’t want to talk to him but still had it bad for him, if I assigned only him “Don’t Answer” I will know that it is him calling. But if you assigned to two or three others then you will have less of an urge to answer because it could any of the three.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 8th, 2009
8:53 am
Raqi- It happens though.. Men play like they are men BUT when it cmes to love, they feel that makes them less of a man.. I am referencing some men..
Mz- I agree
Leggs- LMAO!! Be nice mama
Some people were not raised in a household that is filled with affection.. The only affection they could have gotten was from their grandma.. It took me a minute to be affectionate and be willing to let me feelings show..
Cumtoyoursenses
April 8th, 2009
8:54 am
WiseDiva
This guy is whack and tryna keep you on deck while he searches out what he’s really “into”. Let him go! Why does he get to be a Casper or a Lingerer, he should be an afterthought…on with the next. No time to play, continue to date and keep the party going!
Cumtoyoursenses
April 8th, 2009
8:55 am
and furthermore….any grown azz man that doesn’t want or know how to communicate his feelings can KICK ROCKS! WTF? Don’t make excuses for this man. He made his bed, now allow him to wallow alone in it!
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 8th, 2009
8:58 am
Cum- It is easier said than done.. Diva is going to have to get over him the best way possible for her.. She stated that she still jones for him and that him breaking it off was a surprise, so be a little easy on her
Mz Alld
April 8th, 2009
9:00 am
Cum – not hat easy when real feelings are involved.
Raqi...I'm, unsexy in my shirt; unsexy in bra; unsexy, arrgh.
April 8th, 2009
9:00 am
NewYork the problem is, as we discussed yesterday, this grown men want to be the traffic directors when it comes to love and relationships. How can you direct traffic and you are afraid to even stand in the street?
I think that is “fear” is just another BS statement just like “it’s not you, it’s me” and all the others. It’s one of those male phrases that Steve Harvey talks about in his book.
Tazzee
April 8th, 2009
9:00 am
Raqi yeah, I have multiple DNAs in my phone. I used to just delete their numbers, but then I’d answer the phone. I’ve also changed a ringer to silent before too – but then I made up with the guy and forgot to give him a ring again, LOL. We were going out one night and I was H-O-T because he hadn’t called
Mz Alld
April 8th, 2009
9:01 am
Let’s be real, there are a lot of grown men that have problems communicating and showing their feelings when it comes to relationships.
Raqi...I'm, unsexy in my shirt; unsexy in bra; unsexy, arrgh.
April 8th, 2009
9:08 am
WiseDiva you need to take a vacation. Go to a spa and cleanse your system of all impurities and this guy being the biggest one.
And whatever you do not let him into your house. If you do you might find yourself pressed up against a wall by some hunka man flesh wondering how in the hell did I get here. And before you know five years later you will be married and knocked up. Oh wait…flashbacks again.
Now that I think about it, this guy may be worth letting linger. Maybe he is just trying to see where you are with him. hmmm
ImAPeach404
April 8th, 2009
9:09 am
Question: If a guy becomes distant, do you think it is ALWAYS that they are not into you?
Maybe they are afraid of the feelings they have..
Ehhh… I don’t know if I buy that “afraid of the feelings they have” bit. I mean, gah d@mn, how old are we??? If you 30 and you STILL aint comfortable with your “feelings”??? WTH? I personally think we make too many excuses for guys and their “feelings”. Man up already!
This is one reason why I keep a small, tight group of guy friends to bounce stuff off of. And we keep it 100. I have NEVER, eva, eva, eva, eva, eva! heard any of these guys say they stopped talking to a female because he was “afraid of his feelings”. Lol. You know what I do hear? Foolishnes like “she talks like a valley girl” or “she acts childish in public” or “her weave weave hair all over my bathroom floor” or “she doesn’t cook” or blah, blah, blah.
Tazzee yea girl, I stopped using DNA b/c all it made me think of was genetics. It’s not as effective as “DONT THIS MFing CALL!!!”
Cumtoyoursenses
April 8th, 2009
9:14 am
MsAlld
But who’s problem should that be? A closed mouth don’t get fed. I mean, come on! Are we seriously placating this behavior. In 2009, why does the woman still own all the emotional baggage with relational involvements? Please, these men are quite adept at expressing themselves, we just continue to give them the pass and excuse unacceptable behavior. We, women, perpetuate the very thing we don’t want!
ImAPeach404
April 8th, 2009
9:16 am
i hate when i make typos
Mz Alld
April 8th, 2009
9:17 am
lol @ Man up already!
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 8th, 2009
9:18 am
Raqi- Sometimes it is BS and sometimes it is real talk.. The problem is, some people generalize those specific phrases because dog azz men have used them to their benefit. Remember, those phrases at one time, were genuine.. If a mfer tells you that over the phone and you can’t the expression on his face, then I might chock it up as BS but if dude had the common decency to take you to dinner and discuss, then MAYBE he could be genuine with his feelings..
Raqi...I'm, unsexy in my shirt; unsexy in bra; unsexy, arrgh.
April 8th, 2009
9:19 am
LOL Tazzee I don’t mind saying this because my past has made me. I met this guy while I waiting tables part-time on the weekends and at nights, he was really cute and I gave him my number. He promised he would call me later that evening. The call never came. The next day he which was Sunday he came walking in for lunch and I was kinda pyssed and reminded him that he said he was going to call. I had worked two all day but stayed up and waited for him to call. He told me he did call but my phone had been disconnected. Em.bar.ras.sing. I was po, broke and the mother of two little kids at the time. He offered to pay the bill but I didn’t let him. I went that same day and had the phone reconnected. That darn Bellsouth, they could have given me a couple of more days.
NY2GA, Inc.
April 8th, 2009
9:20 am
He told you he didn’t want a “serious relationship”. He didn’t say he didn’t want ANY relationship with you. It seems like he still thinks he can have the type of interaction that he wants even though he’s not giving you the relationship that you want. So, he’ll text, call, etc. until you set your boundaries (and enforce them) or cut all ties. Tough situation to be in when you caught “the jones” and the object of your affection doesn’t have it. Been there, done that…
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 8th, 2009
9:20 am
Let’s face it, A LOT of men have communication problems! Men that are serial daters etc.. have issues with their feelings..
Raqi...I'm, unsexy in my shirt; unsexy in bra; unsexy, arrgh.
April 8th, 2009
9:21 am
personally think we make too many excuses for guys and their “feelings”.
Let the church say AMEN. Tell ‘em Pastor Peach.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 8th, 2009
9:22 am
Raqi- LMAO!!
M'Karyl
April 8th, 2009
9:22 am
He has made it clear that he does not want a more serious relationship…yet he still maintains contact on a regular basis…have you ask him straight out why he does that?…what is is motivation?…does he understand what your thoughts or feelings are about the situation?…ASK HIM straight out what is up and why.
I think that we deserve to have straight answers…they may not be what we want to hear…but if it is true and real, then at least it is on solid ground…we have a tendency to input so many previously held notions and other issues into our communication function with other ppl…it would seem to me that if he is a stand up guy then he should be able to answer the question forthright and all.
Mz Alld
April 8th, 2009
9:22 am
You are right Cum….it is their problem (and who ever chooses to deal with it). I personally did not. I let mine go. But there are alot of women that accepts whatever a man chooses to give them. Some do it because they have nothing better to do, some because there is no one else around, some don’t know how to be alone or how to move on and some truly love the clueless man and thinks he will come around.
mytw♥cents
April 8th, 2009
9:23 am
WISE I know they taught this in Diva 101. He just wants the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility of being in one. I’m a fan of taking words at face value. I believe you mean exactly what you said.
LADY WHOSE BRA CUPS RUNNETH OVER I was kindly extended this offer before as well. I’m thinking, sir, how can you try to negotiate azz you ain’t even get yet, by running off a list of what you won’t do? Like have a girlfriend or be available to actually date. But you ask to be notified of what time dinner is served, let alone dessert. WTFeva!
NYC Have you ever felt this way about another dude? I’m wondering how long his grace period will last. Acknowledging his fears is a step, but now he has to address them. It’s easiet when you see what’s on the otherside as a worthwhile outcome. How does he seem to feel about ppl ‘in love’ – ie better off, happy, trapped, doomed…
East Point's Own
April 8th, 2009
9:24 am
Are men allowed to comment today?
Well me… when I figure out that its not gonna work I pretty much tell the woman that its not really going any further. Then usually they still want to be friends and I ask myself “why?” and we usually continue to have relations until she realizes that I really meant what I said and there are no mre “going out in public dates.”
The other scenario is that if she has done something that i just can’t take any more of then after the talk I no longer answer her calls or communicate with her in any way…. But under no circumstances do I avoid going certain places or doing what I want to do.
If a woman stops returning my calls or in any way shows that she is losing interest, its no sweat of fmy back, just keep it moving and enjoy the extra money I can now spen on myself…LoL
ImAPeach404
April 8th, 2009
9:26 am
…where are the fellas today?
Cumtoyoursenses
April 8th, 2009
9:26 am
NYCUTIE
He has problems communicating his feelings and that’s his problem. I won’t not own that shyt. Nothing frustrates me more than an adult unable or unwilling to express themselve. Take a picture, write it down, Morris code, but get it out! That is straight bullshyt and unacceptable for me. Let’s raise our standards ladies. He just wants to keep WiseDivaon deck, period. He’ll be in a relationship just as soon as a couple months, watch.
NY2GA, Inc.
April 8th, 2009
9:27 am
Also, in terms of the lingerer or Casper. I choose neither. I prefer “Mr. Man-Up” or “Mr. Accountable.” Casper is a punk. The lingerer is staying around for a reason.
The Truth-Wearing a towel on my head and nothing else
April 8th, 2009
9:27 am
Wise, if you listen to these chicks you’re going to get what you always got. Try something different. Stay close to ol boy but not under him. He almost guaranteed needs time to process what you are to him. For most guys that takes alot more time than a chick wants to give. Thats why guys walk. She’s putting on the full court press and he’s trying to decide if he’s even in the game.
If you say you like him don’t bolt. Switch roles. Call him and ask him out for bowling or just hanging out as friends. Let him see how cool you are a woman. No pressure and no sex. Soon ol boy will see you in another light that makes you shine. One day he’ll realize your the shizznit but you have to be there for that to happen.
You can always break camp but then thats what alot of losers do. Take your feelings out of this thing and proceed using your head. Set your path and dont deviate.
My boy is engaged to a chick right now that outsmarted his azz. When other chicks did what these chicks are recommending she went to work on him. She backed it up, changed approaches and got what she wanted and from the looks of her she is extremely happy.
Good luck either way. I just hate to see you lose someone you obviously care for because you went for the first head fake. Just like women like a man with “stickability” so do guys. Grab your bloomers and go where only women of charachter dare go.
Cumtoyoursenses
April 8th, 2009
9:27 am
He just won’t be in a relationship with WiseDiva
Tazzee
April 8th, 2009
9:30 am
I’m with Peach on the ‘afraid of feelings’ crap. If he’s afraid of his feelings then he needs to deal with them, but if a guy gets ghost – he’s ghost. I’m over making excuses for men.
Raqi That is too funny! I had that happen to me before. I was still living at home and I had been checking out this guy ALL summer. On the last day of my summer job, he asked for my number. I was too geeked! Then I got home and the phone was disconnected. That was the summer before I went to college and my grandmother couldn’t understand why I was so upset (that wasn’t the first time) I couldn’t tell her it was about a boy, so I told her that the financial aid office was supposed to call. Then I went and paid the bill, LOL!
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 8th, 2009
9:33 am
Two Cents- Good question! I think he tries to turn a blind eye to it.. I think it is hilarious! We have spoken about it and I believe he has YET to grow up and realize that love is beautiful and it doesn’t make him less of a man..
Grace period.. He is a very cool dude but I ALWAYS keep it moving and don’t believe in being stagnant with anyone! He will have to address his issues on his own and come out of hiding once he is ready.. Can’t wait around cause that time may never come.. LOL!
EPO- Yes men are allowed to chime in
No more public dates? Would you smash her out if she wanted you to?
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 8th, 2009
9:35 am
Truth- Thanks for keeping it 100!!! I agree with you!
Raqi...I'm, unsexy in my shirt; unsexy in bra; unsexy, arrgh.
April 8th, 2009
9:36 am
LOL TwoLincolns I was asked in shower this morning “are those getting bigger”. I am going today to buy some new t1t-slings.
Sassy Me.... do it right or not at all :-)
April 8th, 2009
9:36 am
Morning blog fam…make it do what it do
I’m always the one doing the breaking up and when I’m done I’M DONE. If you’re my ex then you’re just that MY EX and I don’t backtrack either….I erase their phone number(s) from my phone and if the break up is funky I burn pictures and get rid of ANY and EVERY form or trace of the relationship…OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND. They try to come back but by that point I aint tryin to hear it cause I’m knee deep in my highest p.issedivity and am one of the snarkiest a.**holes you would never want to meet.
I’m very attached to my emotions, I love hard and when I’m crossed watch the f.**k out. The best way to let a dude go is to do just that…let his azz go and usually they can’t stand that. When I say “we thru” that’s it…I don’t call(or answer their calls) or text and sex is sooo far out of the question. It kills men when you EX they azzes all the way out.
Tazzee - soon to be homeowner
April 8th, 2009
9:36 am
The Truth I’ve heard of women waiting around on a man like you said. Matta fact I know this guy that’s engaged because a woman did. I don’t call that stickability – stickability is when you hang in there through the thick and thin. What you’re referring to is waiting around on a dude while he figures out what he wants.
But I can’t knock it – because I’ve seen it work. It’s just not for me.
mytw♥cents
April 8th, 2009
9:42 am
CTSENSES Your 9:14 puts you in contention to be on the panel of MAN UP’09. It is a grassroots movement which will sweep the nation, a refreshing reminder that the key to manhood is being a man. Workin’ on a draft of my “I’d Like to Wear a Dress — If Only You’d Wear the Pants!” speech…
Is SLIM in the lounge? When I shortened the name above, I involuntarily thought about your CT, we haven’t heard from it in awhile. I hope it’s doing well. LOL