Tough Love
Confession: I managed to get hooked on one of VH1’s reality shows! The show, Tough Love, features a male giving tough love and dating advice to women. I asked one of the cast members, Abiola, to answer a few questions. Check it out!
Goddess Abiola aka Miss Picky
On the show, Tough Love, your coach Steve seems to give it straight, no chaser! Were you expecting it to be as brutal as it was?
First of all, Wise Diva, I love the name of your blog. Misadventures in Dating is the perfect title for my love life up to now! I thought that as a woman who writes about love, dating, sex and empowerment, Tough Love would be a fabulous social experiment and it ended up being so much more. VH1’s Tough Love was definitely tough love! The show is a love boot camp.
The central question of Tough Love was “These women are smart, attractive, successful, so why are they single?” The response of the show has been huge. Ratings have been through the roof because so many women are trying to figure out their own relationship dilemmas. If you can watch, be entertained and maybe relate to one of us and see your own missteps, that’s great.
No matter what, somebody will find something to dislike about you. My motto is “might as well be your own crazy, sexy, quirky, weird self and give the haters something to talk about!” One of the good results of the show is I have a thicker skin. I can laugh at myself more.
Do you think that more women should seek out advice/feedback from guys and get some tough love?
Like you and most women I am an expert on how women think. Men don’t understand us more than we understand them. The way to learn about each other is to communicate. We should never ever change ourselves solely based on male feedback. But we can all stand to learn from each other.
Are you happy you did the show?
Absolutely, and I would do it again tomorrow. The only frustration is that 7 days become 42 TV minutes so you only hear partial conversations but that’s the nature of the beast. I am proud of the show. Drew Barrymore and High Noon Entertainment have created something interesting and entertaining.
Thanks Abiola!
The part I enjoy the most about the show is the uncensored feedback the men give the women. It underlines the idea that when it comes to dating and mating, we misread each other..a lot. How can we improve on this though?
Would you ever consider going on a reality dating show? Have you seen the show Tough Love? What are your thoughts about it?
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237 comments Add your comment
kimmie
April 7th, 2009
10:38 am
AmRed – Fun, isn’t it? Life is so much easier when you keep it simple. It all is really not that hard.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
10:38 am
Sexy- Holla @ your girl! I would love it but remember that it is a two way street
M'Karyl
April 7th, 2009
10:40 am
@Cee
I was in and out…what is the ????
Raqi
April 7th, 2009
10:45 am
Melo this female in a successful and long relationship will tell you it sho ain’t about kissing no one sided arse. The man and woman both have to be willing to meet in the middle. Compromise it is. Just like you all want us to hear you on what you want, you have to be willing to hear what we want and need.
And that you already know because you have “Queen”.
I agree with SexyCool in saying having an ear for the one you are with, however we have to first meet on the same ground. Built from a mutual foundation.
Foots
April 7th, 2009
10:45 am
Melo, I think that’s the issue. Older women in successful, long-term relationships will tell you “oh, that’s just how a man is, you have to deal with it” or “we women have to be able to bend a little more”. So the advice you hear from them is that it’s a one-way street, that women are the ones to have to change how we react and respond while the men are free to be themselves in order to make it work. From a young woman’s point of view, that may be how it is, but it is depressing, and it doesn’t represent a partnership. Times have changed, but the men really haven’t, or to give them credit, maybe they are just changing slowly. Now I know that it hasn’t been all that long that a true partnership was required of men, so it may take them a while to catch up.
But all the ladies are saying is that most women adapt to her man’s ways in order to keep the peace, and I think that’s true. It would make it much more pleasant if we were not the only ones to have to adapt to the other. Two-way street love is more satisfying than one-way dead end love.
Raqi
April 7th, 2009
10:45 am
Change that to built ON a mutual foundation.
Cemeeli
April 7th, 2009
10:48 am
M’Karyl – Imma attempt to tie this in with the topic fromm yesturday.
“Men want Loyalty”
Your ex-roomate. She is the epitome of being loyal to her guy. I thought of her during the discussion. How is she? Has a revelation come to her?
kimmie
April 7th, 2009
10:49 am
The ladies are dropping some jewels here today, guys! Take note, like you tell us all the time!
abc
April 7th, 2009
10:51 am
Analogies referring to roadways and traffic as part of a journey vs. ones that compare reality TV to a car wreck are a little different. Point taken, though — hey, just building on a theme!
Now, all men take the good with the bad as far as generalized female traits. Women do the same. If you had a man that did everything just so for you, catering to your whims, you’d lose interest in him in about 10 minutes. That’s the most essential thing a man looks for in a woman — outside the usual desire for beauty, charm, intelligence, etc., a man wants a woman to be interested in him, to pay attention to him.
The way to man’s heart is to simply pay attention to him. A man wants to be the most important person in your life. All you chicks already know this.
THE MELO
April 7th, 2009
10:53 am
Melo this female in a successful and long relationship will tell you it sho ain’t about kissing no one sided arse
And u know its not about kissing nobody’s arse.All i ask is that u give these ladies a realistic point of view.Dont be afraid to challenge some of their utopian demands and notions etc.Those who get it and are willing to go for it,will.The ones who dont wanna adapt based on the enemy’s territory can go another route.Wish them success.
U owe it to these ladies to tell them exactly how it is from the inside.
A lot of them have misconceptions about his thing.No wonder the failure rate of marriages or the inability to do so.
Lyfe aint fair,Or is it?
AmazonRed™ - sarcasm is one of my many talents
April 7th, 2009
10:55 am
AmRed – Fun, isn’t it? Life is so much easier when you keep it simple. It all is really not that hard.
kimmie – Amen. After dating a guy who thought he carried the weight of the world solely on his shoulders, it’s been quite fun just not worrying about things I can not change.
I am being reminded about my own quirks tho. I hurt this guy’s feelings last night. But it’s not my fault he was stupid.
Raqi
April 7th, 2009
10:57 am
But you know Foots some older women while telling you “that’s just how men are” will also tell you how to deal with such a creature. And by doing so he will at time think it is going his way when all the while it is your way that you have planted in his mind that he thinks is his.
One great piece of advice my godmother gave me once, may she rest in peace, deal with the issue and the man. Sometimes we get so aggravated get so geared toward the “that darn man” and never get the issue at hand fixed. See that is my situation right now. I too am guilty.
Leggs
April 7th, 2009
10:58 am
SexyCool, I’ll be your co-applicant. Don’t know how we’ll get around my daughter. Every time I tell her I’m going to enter the race she starts crying!
SexyCool
April 7th, 2009
11:02 am
Alright – all willing co-applicants – email me – cscfromajc@yahoo.com and we’ll decide how we’re going to do this. Sounds like we may end up with more than one team applying.
Foots
April 7th, 2009
11:04 am
abc I’d like to get your thoughts on this, because of your last comment. I was watching a reality show where a woman got dinged because she was asked whether she thought she needed a man to complete her, and she said yes. Since she was only asked yes or no, she didn’t get to qualify her “yes” answer. So the guy took it as a weakness in her. But when a woman says that she doesn’t need a man, a man takes that as too much strength. So basically a woman can’t say that she needs a man, because she’s weak, nor can she say that she doesn’t need a man, because she’s too strong.
Coming from a man, what is the “right” answer you’d like to hear from a woman?
Foots
April 7th, 2009
11:07 am
Raqi And by doing so he will at time think it is going his way when all the while it is your way that you have planted in his mind that he thinks is his.
I hear you, but it’s still the woman in that case that has to twist and turn and fanagle around to get him to do what she needs him to do. I know that’s how it may be but it’s…. Just tiresome.
Cemeeli
April 7th, 2009
11:12 am
Correct same “theme” not analogy. Themes are cool.
___
“The way to man’s heart is to simply pay attention to him. A man wants to be the most important person in your life. All you chicks already know this.”
With much ado i agree. And not to discount men are simple. We know how you all operate.
M'Karyl
April 7th, 2009
11:12 am
@Cee
1) In November he told her that they were no longer a couple and ended any guise of a relationship between them.
2) In December he moved out of the room and took the empty one downstairs and suggested she find another place to live.
3) In January he completed segregates their lifestyles in the house as he now does all of his own grocery shopping, cooking, laundry and every other combined resources.
4) In March he told her is she continues living there then she will need to start paying rent to stay there.
And she is still there…in the house with him and still all alone and by herself as he does not do any intention interaction with her than is necessary…sometimes as many as 3 days pass without him acknowledging her…stays in his room…I do not know if I could hold on too so much loneliness to be with someone…not really getting that one at all.
THE MELO
April 7th, 2009
11:14 am
Times have changed, but the men really haven’t, or to give them credit, maybe they are just changing slowly
In a nutshell,u have desribed the women’s dilemna! Good job.Now the qstion to ask urselves as females is :how do i tackle this problem,given the above scenario?? I would suggest u do an inside job.If u cant beat them,join them and figure out fom the inside how to get what u want,albeit in small increaments.One great piece of advice my godmother gave me once…..deal with the issue and the man Great point here Raqi! Women get so gun ho and transfixed on winning the battle now rather than settle for a life long glorious victory.Men are simple,their egos are fragile and their demands so petty,I wld opine as a man.They are easily manipulated,i know that.But their demands,tho puerile and childish, are very important to them.
So why not try and win this thing from the inside ladies????
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
11:17 am
MK- I hope your friend wakes up soon.. He self esteem is going to be lost in a minute if it isn’t gone already..
DuShawn
April 7th, 2009
11:20 am
“I’ve noticed that you have tossed around the notion once or twice that this blog may have “run its’ course.” It has lost steam……”
I agree. How many times can one regurgitate different aspects of the same topic? I started posting in this forum about three years ago. I’ve watched, and read, as most of the commenters from that era have stopped to participate. Lately, I rarely read anything that moves me enough to type a response. I’ve found myself re-telling stories that I’ve previously shared because their applicable, once again, to the topic du jour. I will comment on today’s topic shortly. Let me check the archives and see what I typed in 2007.
M'Karyl
April 7th, 2009
11:22 am
@NYC
@ nigh edging in on 60 years of age…naw, self-esteem has never been present in her liftime…she just settles…and looks the other way…oblivious in manner to everything…family sucks her up too, her job sucks her up too…no stand up, just no stand up in her.
Foots
April 7th, 2009
11:25 am
MKaryl, there’s no stand up in either one of them. I’ll be dayumed if I have someone continuing to live in my house for four months after I tell them they need to go.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
11:25 am
MK- Poor thing cause there is soo much more to life than just a repeatative cycle..
Dushawn- WOW! Good Morning to you to
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
11:26 am
Off topic- http://www.time.com/time/printout/0,8816,1889152,00.html
Sad!
SexyCool
April 7th, 2009
11:29 am
As for the side discussion about the blog running its course, maybe, maybe not. From time to time, I will even ask myself if it’s time for me to retire from MIA.
Then I look back and I can see the progression in my thought process and the change in my outlook since I’ve been commenting. It makes me look forward to what is ahead.
Yes, we re-hash topics from time to time, but um, yeah, so what?
For as long as the forum stands, I will drop in and support it.
BTW – I think that interviewing Abiola was genius.
Leggs
April 7th, 2009
11:29 am
@M’Karyl, although this is a blog, your friend needs to meet Mac from yesterday because the two of them are the lonliest ppl I’ve heard about in a very long time.
Foots
April 7th, 2009
11:30 am
melo Women get so gung ho and transfixed on winning the battle now rather than settle for a life long glorious victory
Yeah, I agree with that. But shoot, shouldn’t be be fighting on the same side, against the world, not against each other? I do understand your point though.
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
April 7th, 2009
11:30 am
MELO…it is a man’s word…hence the reason it is f’ed up! The answer to everything is fight…war, etc. Lives lost, families torn apart and pure chaos all because of male egos! But just because it is a man’s world…does not mean I will change myself to accomodate one. If a guy does not like me for who I am…screw him. My life and happiness does not depend on if a man wants me to bring myself down to being his baby machine, maid, servant and straight up arse kisser! So I would not go ona show trying to figure out men..because I don’t care. Knowing what empty thoughts swirl around in men’s hollowed heads would not make me change myself. But it is entertaining to watch and laugh at chicks scramble around trying to find the key to “love”!
What a joke! 
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
11:34 am
Leggs- I was about to suggest the two of them meet too BUT where would they live?
Cemeeli
April 7th, 2009
11:35 am
M’Karyl Goodness. She needs to be snatched back into life. Her life.
M'Karyl
April 7th, 2009
11:36 am
@Leggs
That is one thing that I find to be so ironic…the number of ppl who are in lonely relationships…is that not an oxymoron type of thing…I am decidely single and I am a big loner when it comes to how I spend my time…and it works for me…but I am not lonely in this solitude of self…I share me with so many ppl in a variety of exchanges…and it passes good interaction time with enough me time for my happiness…without the burden of someone else’s presence as a distraction…alone and not lonely is far better to me than together and lonely…lol
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
11:36 am
Staceye- You know.. Love should be effortless! Nobody can make anyone love them..
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
11:38 am
I would rather be lonely by myself than to be lonely in a relationship.. Idiotic! The same applies with being miserable in a relationship.. Why? What is the point?
Foots
April 7th, 2009
11:42 am
NY Love should be effortless
And that’s the crux of the matter….it should be. But it isn’t. Nothing in life is effortless, especially anything involving another person. Even getting out of the bed in the morning to go earn my living takes a concerted effort on my part.
But I will say that falling in love is effortless, that’s a natural chemical reaction, but staying in love takes work. It’s a daily effort to continue to do the right things to make love grow and flourish. I’m fine with putting in the work, I just don’t want to do it all by myself.
M'Karyl
April 7th, 2009
11:43 am
@NYC
It took me a couple of times to really assess that in a relationship…it became a number one question to ask myself…what is the emotional benefit for me being with another person…and if there was not any direction benefits, then there must have been no reason…save to benefit the other as my expense…somewhere along the line we have to start realizing that any relationship that alienates us from within it is not a good one…why be with someone if you are not sharing an emotional reciprocal interaction…EMPTY…just EMPTY…EMotional PiTYful
Leggs
April 7th, 2009
11:43 am
You know I use to look around at what I thought to be “happy” couples when I went out w/my ex and when I was by myself. Looks are deceiving since I didn’t know these people I would glance at. However, I knew me and loneliest and I do not get along. It was driving me insane to be that lonely and not do anything about it. I like where and who I am compared to who and where I was 4 years ago.
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
April 7th, 2009
11:45 am
M’Karyl..I think I am like you in a lot of ways. I am completely happy by myself. I have no expectations of me. No one that I have to consider ebfore making plans and decisions..no one making me feel obligated to having sex when I don’t want to…no one complaining that I am always either out with my girls or doing something pertaining to my crafts…just an all around freedom is better than any realtionship I could ever have. I think being in a relationship/marriage takes a dedication and committment that I just do not have. I feel the say way about being a parent. I love babysitting because babies are cute. But having one of my own to be responsible for and pretty much giving up my life is not in me. I would not want to be one of those parents who have a kid then is always leaving it with a sitter to go out and have a life as if I am not a mami. It is not fair to the child. That is selfish.
Cemeeli
April 7th, 2009
11:45 am
“I am not lonley in the solitude of self”
M’Karyl I totally know where you are. I think I was trying to reside there indefintley.
The song says “the old me is dead and gone”. I’ve been traveling down this road to long.
M'Karyl
April 7th, 2009
11:48 am
@Leggs
Yeah, that one is a hard toss to catch…because you really do have to put your finger on it to get it and get on…and nothing is more useless to me than to be in an emotionally void exchange and to feel incapable of moving past it…once I learned what it was and how it behaved…so I have learned to not put my emotional well being in the path of another to effect…anything can end at any given time it is not beneficial either party…have to learn how not to get the LOVE JONES
DuShawn
April 7th, 2009
11:49 am
“Love should be effortless” Love is effortless. Maintaining the ablilty to like a muthafu&*ka is the challenge. I love my wife to death, but after a decade, I don’t always like her azz.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
11:52 am
Dushawn- LOL! You mean, you don’t always like her ways..
DuShawn
April 7th, 2009
11:54 am
you’re right..I don’t always like her ways. That azz is fantastic!
HOTHONEY
April 7th, 2009
11:57 am
@THE MELO your
10:12 am
ITS NOT A MAn’S WORLD. I SO AGREE, keep it up.
Leggs
April 7th, 2009
11:57 am
“have to learn how not to get the LOVE JONES”
I wonder if I’m even capable anymore
I’m not a T.I. fan, but love that song and it’s meaning. “The old me dead and gone,” never to return! That road has been demolished. I’ve erected a beautiful, black, loving herself woman from the rubble and I smile ERR DAY!
HOTHONEY
April 7th, 2009
12:00 pm
@ABC(The way to man’s heart is to simply pay attention to him. A man wants to be the most important person in your life. All you chicks already know this.)..I SO AGREE WITH THIS. Some claim its thru his stomach, NOT. Im no cook but my man & past relationships the man has worship me because I catered to him & his needs.
M'Karyl
April 7th, 2009
12:08 pm
@Leggs
Yep…that is the key…knowing how to control the committment of emotional flow…and what comes first and all else follows…imagine that…me loving me makes it better for someone loving me to love them.
Teresa
April 7th, 2009
12:08 pm
NY Cutie..the tag u left regarding the troops, so sad…thanks for sharing…I need to pass on to a friend
Leggs
April 7th, 2009
12:11 pm
@NYCutie, that was quite depressing yet a reality of many of our soliders. What a sad read!
Wise Diva
April 7th, 2009
12:13 pm
I really appreciate your 10:03 comment NY2GA! Thank you