Tough Love
Confession: I managed to get hooked on one of VH1’s reality shows! The show, Tough Love, features a male giving tough love and dating advice to women. I asked one of the cast members, Abiola, to answer a few questions. Check it out!
Goddess Abiola aka Miss Picky
On the show, Tough Love, your coach Steve seems to give it straight, no chaser! Were you expecting it to be as brutal as it was?
First of all, Wise Diva, I love the name of your blog. Misadventures in Dating is the perfect title for my love life up to now! I thought that as a woman who writes about love, dating, sex and empowerment, Tough Love would be a fabulous social experiment and it ended up being so much more. VH1’s Tough Love was definitely tough love! The show is a love boot camp.
The central question of Tough Love was “These women are smart, attractive, successful, so why are they single?” The response of the show has been huge. Ratings have been through the roof because so many women are trying to figure out their own relationship dilemmas. If you can watch, be entertained and maybe relate to one of us and see your own missteps, that’s great.
No matter what, somebody will find something to dislike about you. My motto is “might as well be your own crazy, sexy, quirky, weird self and give the haters something to talk about!” One of the good results of the show is I have a thicker skin. I can laugh at myself more.
Do you think that more women should seek out advice/feedback from guys and get some tough love?
Like you and most women I am an expert on how women think. Men don’t understand us more than we understand them. The way to learn about each other is to communicate. We should never ever change ourselves solely based on male feedback. But we can all stand to learn from each other.
Are you happy you did the show?
Absolutely, and I would do it again tomorrow. The only frustration is that 7 days become 42 TV minutes so you only hear partial conversations but that’s the nature of the beast. I am proud of the show. Drew Barrymore and High Noon Entertainment have created something interesting and entertaining.
Thanks Abiola!
The part I enjoy the most about the show is the uncensored feedback the men give the women. It underlines the idea that when it comes to dating and mating, we misread each other..a lot. How can we improve on this though?
Would you ever consider going on a reality dating show? Have you seen the show Tough Love? What are your thoughts about it?
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237 comments Add your comment
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
8:10 am
Good Morning All
Never heard of the show and wouldn’t participate in a reality show UNLESS it is the Amazing Race
Tazzee
April 7th, 2009
8:44 am
Good Morning All!!!
Never seen the show and I probably wouldn’t go on a reality dating show. Mainly because of what she said: 7 days becomes 42 TV minutes.
The only way we can improve on misreading one another is through communication. The problem is, this communication is not always done in love and lately it’s been very one-sided. What I’m getting from all these shows, books, etc is ‘women this is how men are – deal with it’ but I don’t see the offer of compromise on the man’s part. I must admit that the more I read books like Harvey’s and Mars/Venus – the more I don’t want to be in a relationship.
kinderbabe
April 7th, 2009
8:47 am
i’ve seen the show and think it’s pretty good. steve has been extremely honest w/the women (especially on the last episode, lol). i think that it is very useful to get a man’s perspective regarding dating. it’s a cute show.
QC
April 7th, 2009
8:48 am
Morning Bloggers…NY i love the “AMAZING RACE” I’ve been watching since the 1st episode…can someone wake me when the blog gets interesting..Have a warm day everyone
Jeff
April 7th, 2009
8:49 am
I would go on a show in a heartbeat because I have found that single women need a dose of reality about men. Not the oprah or dr phil version but feedback from a normal real man.
Raqi
April 7th, 2009
8:50 am
My thoughts???
I remember a really hot, not disagreement, not difference of opinions and not love spat, but a downright very heated fight that Mason and I had once about why in the he11 does it always have to be how a man says it has to be for it work. Why are we women expected to be shuffled down a one way street to love that follows the flow of traffic directed by a man?
As quoted by Abiola, “We should never ever change ourselves solely based on male feedback.” You damn skippy we shouldn’t.
That is one of the dislikes that I have about most relationship manuals as with a show like ‘Tough Love’ that has a man dictating the course of the relationship or paths to love.
If it’s gonna work we have to meet each other half way. If not, as society tries to make it, a woman will find herself not only giving more but only getting back what a man feels is good enough and necessary to give into the relationship.
Love is not a one way street. Man Trail is not the way to finding true love. Communal Drive is a road better traveled. It’s a better route to Lover’s Lane.
Someone mentioned yesterday that you will never find a man reading a book about how to think like a woman. They were right. That’s because as far as most of them are concerned it’s their way or no way at all. Bull. Crap.
If you find a man that is not willing to meet you half way, you will find a man that is only concerned about his pursuit of happiness.
Oh wait, is that what the topic is about? I had a flashback. Sorry.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
8:55 am
QC- I was pissed it didn’t come on this Sunday!
Raqi- I agree! It has to be a two way street!
Tazzee
April 7th, 2009
8:56 am
Raqi STANDING OVATION!!! I almost didn’t post my comment because I didn’t want to come off as Bitter Betty this early – so thank you for that confirmation. Communal Drive vs. Man Trail – I like that.
Wise Diva
April 7th, 2009
8:58 am
Tazzee, I swear we share brain cells, LOL. I agree, we already know some of what is being said. We are also seeing that it’s basically, we (men) are like this, you are like that, we ain’t changing, you have to because you want to be with a man. I don’t think compromise is something single men even like to “ponder”..at least not the ones I have dated. I’m hoping to meet him one day though!
NY2GA, Inc.
April 7th, 2009
8:59 am
Well, I don’t think I need to go on a reality show. Dating in Atlanta gives me a dose of reality everyday. It’s like being on Survivor. Either one of us will put the fire out in the other’s torch at tribal council (the date) because “we (the tribe) have spoken.” Or, we will make until the next week (which will hopefully be the 2nd date). LOL!
Raqi
April 7th, 2009
9:02 am
Tazzee sometimes that crap just make me so damn angry. Hell MAN it ain’t all about you. I got something you want, you got something I want, meet me half way.
WiseDiva Compromise is something even married men have to be reminded about every now and then. “This Is A Man’s World”, oh no the hell it ain’t.
QC
April 7th, 2009
9:03 am
I was upset too i’m hooked on that show i love it!
mytw♥cents
April 7th, 2009
9:10 am
I think ANGIE’s been referencing the show, but I didn’t know what it was til this past weekend. It’s always interesting how many people forget that the way we perceive ourselves can be very different than how we are perceived by others. Hopefully most takeaway you the idea of reflecting on your behavior in the context of the moment, even when you don’t do it in the moment.
TAZZEE I mentioned this the other day, but it’s always cause for a WTFeva moment when I see a new blueprint of what women need to brush up on. We all need to stop expecting women to live to a higher standard of effort & compromise when it comes to relationship readiness while endorsing the idea that men can show up As Is and we should accommodate. Or else we aren’t good women. KIMMIE will feel our pain on this.
Tazzee
April 7th, 2009
9:16 am
Now don’t get me wrong, I like the books, etc because they give me a little insight on how the man’s mind works. But at the same time, if a man isn’t trying to handle my ‘waves’ while I’m trying to work with his ’snap-back’ then I’ve got issue.
That’s why my last relationship ended – when we had our blow-up argument, he kept saying ‘when you do this I don’t do that…’ I was like dude – I’m NOT you, I’m me and I respond to things differently.
Wise Diva
April 7th, 2009
9:17 am
LOL @ NYCutie, that’s exactly right, we are survivors!
Cougar Hunter ( James Brown said it best, THIS is a man,s world)
April 7th, 2009
9:17 am
Good morning to all the intelligent ladies on this blog!
If I were younger I would go a T.V. Reality show!
You know ladies one of the man ingredient us men lack is getting good advice on dating and marriage. My mother was the only person to speak to me about how to treat a women.
But the men in my world would tell me you need to sample a few, you need to keep them in check some of the worst advice you can imagine.
A lot of men get off to a bad start on how to date, how to be in a marriage due to a lack of good mentoring from older men in regards to women!
mytw♥cents
April 7th, 2009
9:17 am
I’m just reading the additional comments and the guys may be afraid to cross our picket line today
NYC/QC I was upset with my DVR cuz that’s my crack! Didn’t know it just didn’t come on. I’d love to do it but I’ll be like Oscar and his best friend…shopping & strolling around the world instead of racing. They were my faves.
kinderbabe
April 7th, 2009
9:18 am
i’m w/u **QC** i think the show is cute. i figure that women go through so many other means to figure out how to find mr. right, why not try guy advice. i just took it as another avenue, not the gospel of why you’re single, lol. in any situation, it can be valuable to receive feedback from an objective party. that’s what i take the “steve” character on the show to be. you love yourself, your family loves you and your girlfriends love you but let’s face it….they don’t always tell us the truth about ourselves, especially when it comes to dating. if you are 35 years old and single, the last thing the people you love want to say is something that may cause further feelings of doubt. getting another point of view from a guy who’s not trying to date you could have it’s benefits.
mytw♥cents
April 7th, 2009
9:24 am
COUGAR You are a brave soul…And I know you like having us all to yourself! But that’s a great point that some men lack mentoring on how to treat women. Because you often hear women look to how their grandmothers, aunts, mothers tended to their men and using that as a foundation. So it makes sense that perhaps the fellas who aren’t as gentlemanly didn’t have the best examples to follow.
Raqi
April 7th, 2009
9:25 am
But Kinderbabe guess what, his crap stinks too. Is his boys telling him? Making him aware of his transgressions? I think not.
It’s time for them to be seated in a room and given some tough love on how they need to change it up.
kinderbabe
April 7th, 2009
9:32 am
**raqi** i think you missed the part when i said his advice is not to be take as the gospel. it is simply another side, another opinion. i don’t view it as a tit for tat thing. if someone says something about me that i don’t agree with, my response isn’t necessarily, “well, what about you?” if perfection was criteria for giving an opinion, we wouldn’t have a blog here b/c no one could say ish…lol. the guy is a professional matchmaker and has obviously had some success at what he does. i’m sure that at the proper time, in the proper forum, his friends may advise him. but in this case, it’s not about him. it’s about these women. is he perfect? no. does his opinion mean something? yes.
M'Karyl
April 7th, 2009
9:34 am
Naw…at this stage, I thoroughly understand the game, issue and attitudes in the mating game…30 years of experience…actual or observation…so no reality show for me on that topic…but like NYC…I would do Amazng Race in a heartbeat.
kimmie
April 7th, 2009
9:37 am
Good Snowy(flurries in Alpharetta!) Morning!
NYC-LOVE Amazing Race! My SO got me hooked on it and it is so exciting! Not to mention seeing parts of the magnificent world we live in. I probably could not compete from being so giddy from the whole experience!!
My2cents – You got that right! You know me well!
Raqi – RIGHT ON!!!!!!
Raqi
April 7th, 2009
9:39 am
You know TwoLincolns my mom was really good to my dad and she taught my sister and I well. But when he p!ssed her off they would go have their private meeting and I know she ripped him a new one. So we were well aware that it is not one sided. Even if a man does not have the proper male influence growing up, the right woman can stand firm and knock him down a peg. If enough women do that then more men will see it’s not all about them.
I am all for man being the head, but crap stinks not matter who drops it. Dang I feel like my mother today. woosaaaahhh
Raqi
April 7th, 2009
9:43 am
Sorry Kinder I may have. It’s just that I am holding a 41 year old piece of man arse in my hand right now. And shyt stinks. woosaaahh
kinderbabe
April 7th, 2009
9:47 am
**raqi** it’s cool.:) that’s the scary part i’m not looking fwd to in marriage…i know that husband’s test your patience constantly…lol. well, before i know it i’ll have a pain in the arse to call my very own. he’s 40 and trying to close the deal…haha.
M'Karyl
April 7th, 2009
9:53 am
Well, somebody commented about how there are so many books about detailing and advising women on the male mind and such…and so few offering the same sort of advice to men…it seems to me that this is so unnecessary because so many women will be more apt to capitulate to the male behavior to accommodate even what common sense tells her is obvious…JMHO.
kimmie
April 7th, 2009
9:54 am
Raqi & My2 pretty much said everything I would want to say on this subject. I’m done catering to men that don’t meet me halfway. I was also never one to change for a man and I’m sure not about to start now at this age. So I made sure & found me one that loves me just as I IS! I was always one that men would say “you can’t tell her anything”. Sure can’t, especially from someone I don’t know or have little respect for. One thing I absolutely refused to take “advice” from or criticism about from past boyfriends is sex. What’s not good to one is great for the other.
I see women every day doing some of the very things that men say we “should’nt” do & they’ve got husbands. Nice ones, good looking too. So you’re da– if you do & da– if you don’t. Be you! That’s the best and you know what? It’s good enough!!!
Cougar – A lot of men have never had that great example or advice on how to treat women. It’s really like the blind leading the blind out here. Too many older ones telling the young bucks they’ll come off “soft” if they treat a woman with respect – stupid mindsets like that going around! I’m glad it took you, a man, to mention this problem!
NY2GA, Inc.
April 7th, 2009
10:03 am
OFF TOPIC: Before I get out of here I just wanted to say something to Wise Diva.
Wise, you do a good job here. It ain’t easy to come up with blog topics year after year and keep folks entertained. This is a rough group. Dating is a tough topic and there are only but so many ways that you can cut it without it becoming a man vs. woman or woman vs. man bashing session. Over the past few weeks I’ve noticed that you have tossed around the notion once or twice that this blog may have “run its’ course.” It has lost steam. People are growing and lives are changing. Some folks have even found happiness and peace in this thing called love. So, if you decide to close the doors to MIA or move on…do it while you’re on top:) People will scream “don’t leave”, but it’s your choice. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Take care.
Cemeeli
April 7th, 2009
10:04 am
Never even heard of this show. Only understand the mindset of the man i’m dealing with right now.
Morning all.
Mom To Be I responded to the statement ‘men wouldn’t read a Think Like a Woman book’. When the reasons were stated why it was thought that men would read a Think like Women book, i added that they wouldn’t b/c men are not into knowing how we think becuase i found they’d rather enjoy the mystery of us.
Yes love is a two way street, and that’s why people put those Mars & Venus books on the shelves (for men and women) to learn the by-ways, and detours through the “traffic” to find love. Raqi you and hubby have found your way out of the traffic, and made it to destination. While most singles are commuting through…
Hope that example make sense.
On a more personal level, the man i’m dealing with now he’s said before. “When a man wants to learn the inner most thoughts and details of a women, it is when he is serious about that paticular woman.” That is what i’ve found to be true as well.
Oh – Dare i say – He pursued me? And Compromise Court is where we parked.
SexyCool
April 7th, 2009
10:11 am
Like some others, I’ve never heard of the show, but will make a note to check out an episode.
Not so sure that I would participate on a reality dating show, but then again, I never say never. I try to remain open to possibilities.
But I will tell you this. After all of the MISadventures in my dating life, I’m pretty much over it. The only insight I want is from the man that I am interested in at the moment. My male friends often offer input that is totally contradictory from one conversation to the next. While I value their opinions, Listening to them, I can sometimes end up more confused than I started out.
I realize that it is because they are speaking from their perspective and that each person’s experience is different. We all have our own individual realities. And what may be real for my best male friend can be totally opposite for my male interest.
With all that said, I filter the input that I receive from the books and the blogs and my one on one conversations through my own common sense and intuitive reasoning. I take what works for me and I leave the rest on the cutting room floor.
And I am learning to just ask the questions to get the answers that I want from any man that I deal with.
Because at the end of the day, the opinions of those outside should bear little effect on the inside of your relationships.
Three Words Daily – Declare Your Increase.
THE MELO
April 7th, 2009
10:12 am
ITS NOT A MNA’S WORLD…(really?)
So why the hollering?? Why the angst,why the tossing and turning in ur beds.
Men are not doing the same.Other than the child molesters that we know have problems,men are not lamenting the lack or inability to get women.They are choosing to lease rather than have one on a permanent basis.And there is no complaint in that camp as far as I know.So whats the big rah-rah about with u women if ITS NOT A MAN’S WORLD????
If u ask military experts,they will tell u that be4 u go into battle,u assess the enemy and her habitat to see how u can manouvre around it inorder to “win” the battle.Seems like uall are failing to do that but meanwhile,trying to inflate ur own power so as to arrive at some utopian, equitable, 50-50 arrangment.Its still not working!! So whose problem is it??? What gives??
Plz look in the mirror ladies.Right! That is one problem uall have.An inability to rationaly anlyze ur capabilities and weaknesses inorder to assess how to arrive at ur intented goals.U stuck in head-in-sand mode.Any of u ladies,ask ur significant other if u fat or not and let him give u an honest answer.I bet 60 to 70 percent of u wont like the answer,albeit its honesty!And u say men have issues.
Give us a break!
If the kitchen is too hot for u and exposing ur inabilities and inadequacies,get out and stop the whining!
THE MELO
April 7th, 2009
10:13 am
ITS NOT A MAN’S WORLD (meant to say..)
kimmie
April 7th, 2009
10:17 am
Melo – Don’t come in here with that mess today!!LOL!! Get outta my kitchen!!
And I think you’re missing the point. We are instructed to LOOK IN THE MIRROR every day! When are you dudes going to start doing it?
AmazonRed™ - sarcasm is one of my many talents
April 7th, 2009
10:19 am
Morning all,
I have heard of the show in passing, but have never watched it. I will try to check it out too. In the right situation, I’d do a reality show. I can laugh at myself.
No matter what, somebody will find something to dislike about you. My motto is “might as well be your own crazy, sexy, quirky, weird self and give the haters something to talk about!”
This is pretty much how I feel too. I’ve never wanted to be a “one size fits all” kind of girl.
Cemeeli
April 7th, 2009
10:19 am
Verizon Wireless in Alpharetta is hiring 400+ for Customer Servive Reps.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
10:24 am
I am currently having issues in my relationship cause reality is too much for him to bear.. Sad
Men need to understand that women aren’t with chasing a man! Women respect consistency.. If you say you are going to call @ a certain time, do so.. You won’t like it if we say we will meet you at a restaurant @ 8pm and never show up.. Would you? Nope but we as women are supposed to understand all of the excuses you give explaining why you were late or didn’t make it at all.. Come on.. Two way street!
Raqi
April 7th, 2009
10:25 am
I have a ticket to raffle to the highest bidder to meet my husband for me for lunch “to further discuss the matter”. But let me tell you this while you are reaching for your wallets and checkbooks. If you dare be brave enough to go, I will cut your arse. I may be crazy at times but I ain’t no fool. And don’t you be.
Now who wants to place the first bid? LOL
No one? Well I guess I will be seeing him myself at 11:30ish.
M'Karyl
April 7th, 2009
10:26 am
@Cee
I have a tix to the ATL for May 2nd…leave out in the AM.
Raqi
April 7th, 2009
10:27 am
NewYork are you his first serious relationship?
abc
April 7th, 2009
10:29 am
Reality TV represents the lowest common denominator, both in those performing and those watching. It’s like traffic slowing down to rubberneck a car wreck.
“The girls try to strip away the past as they strip away t-shirts revealing embarrassing facts about themselves.” “Steve teaches the girls that when you date a guy, you’re also dating his inner circle of friends.” “The girls get a chance to show Steve what they think is sexy when they step in front of the camera for a photo shoot.” You don’t really think this is something from which you’ll gain meaningful information, do you? If so, re-read the part about lowest common denominator.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
April 7th, 2009
10:29 am
Raqi- No.. The situation I described above has nothing to do with our relationship.. That was situations that I have heard from others..
AmazonRed™ - sarcasm is one of my many talents
April 7th, 2009
10:29 am
The only insight I want is from the man that I am interested in at the moment.
SexyCool, I’m inclined to agree. My needs from a guy were never outlandish or unrealistic – I don’t ask for much nor do I need a lot to make me happy. So with that being said, no more jumping thru hoops or trying to figure this advice over someone elses. It’s been real interesting in 2009 as I’m keeping it really simple. Now I notice the guys are jumping thru hoops trying to figure me out, wondering why I’m not all up in their arse because he’s not doing XY or Z. I’m already moved on.
It’s like a baby that cries to get your attention. The moment you stop paying them any, they shut up and come to you trying to figure out why you aren’t coddling them.
Leggs
April 7th, 2009
10:30 am
You guys popped the cork early today. I too have never heard of the show. Nothing more to say but repeat M’karyl sentiment —>Naw…at this stage, I (believe) I understand the game, issue and attitudes in the mating game…30 years of experience…actual or observation…so no reality show for me on that topic…but like NYC…I would do Amazng Race in a heartbeat. Love Amazing Race.
@Raqi, definitely would have re-posted yours too, but it was way longer (LOL).
C tha 1
April 7th, 2009
10:31 am
Mello, I got to co-sign your post bruh. Some women love to look at themselves in a picture, but hate to look at themselves in the mirror.
Cemeeli
April 7th, 2009
10:32 am
M’karyl I will add to my Outlook date Calender.
Oh were you on here yesturday? I had a question.
THE MELO
April 7th, 2009
10:32 am
Yesterday,it was Harvey,today Abiola.She is clearly having her own issues as far as relationships are concerned and acknowledged that too.But for some strange reason,she is our fountain for inspiration this morning on how to figure this dating game.
Go figure!
Where are the females in successful and long relationships so we can get a real and sensible way of figuring this thing.Im sure there are females out there who really want to know.Getting it from the horse mouth.
Not some whack job from reality tv by some con, interested in making a quicki $$$$$$.
SexyCool
April 7th, 2009
10:34 am
With all of you fellow Amazing Race fans out there, who is going to be my co-applicant for the next casting call?
Cemeeli
April 7th, 2009
10:35 am
abc – Don’t be using traffic analogy. I used it.
kimmie
April 7th, 2009
10:37 am
C tha 1 – You go sit down too, along with Melo!LOL!!
When ya’ll gon look in the mirror? – we keep asking, getting no response!LOL!!