accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Are you stupid about men?

As the dating blogger, I’m occasionally sent books about relationships and finding true love. The latest to cross my desk is “Stupid About Men: 10 Rules for Getting Romance Right” by Christian therapist Deborah Dunn. In it, she uses the term “SAM Syndrome” to describe women who are, you guessed it, “stupid about men.”

Wondering if you might be such a person? Here’s an excerpt:

How a Woman with the SAM Syndrome Thinks:

• My value as a woman is determined by a man.

• My self-image is in direct proportion to my sexual desirability.

• The purpose of life is to find true love.

• If a man does not love me, God has forgotten me.

• The power of my love can change a man.

• To be needed is to be loved.

And How a Woman with the SAM Syndrome Behaves:

• Constantly compares herself to other women.

• Is self-critical and obsessed with weight, appearance and clothing.

• Complains frequently of loneliness and a fear that life is passing her by.

• Is impulsive in love and enters into sexual intimacy too soon.

• Has a high degree of need for excitement and intensity in relationships.

• Is drawn to emotionally unstable men she must rescue, or is drawn to men who will rescue her.

Yikes. Ladies – did any of these qualities resonate with you? Fellas, did you see any of your past partners in these descriptions? Do we agree that all of these are signs of women who have unhealthy views of relationships? I mean heck, does the fact I wish I had better abs mean I only want better abs to get a man?

(By the way, Dunn’s message is for people to first love themselves and find their soul, and then to find a partner who brings out their best. Maybe once I finish this book…)

200 comments Add your comment

ImAPeach404

March 31st, 2009
8:22 am

…Dunn’s message is for people to first love themselves and find their soul, and then to find a partner who brings out their best. Really? How enlightening! (insert eye-rolling smiley, can’t remember how to do it!) Dunn could have saved herself some time and energy and made that book a pamphlet

Ehhh… I’m glad you didn’t pay for that book. Nothing new or enlightening based on what you’ve stated. I think we can all be “stupid” about the opposite sex from time to time – even at the age of 32 I can admit to being “stupid”… but it’s more in the name of giving a guy a chance and then after they prove you right you may feel a bit “stupid” because you already knew but were hoping he’d prove you wrong. In addition, I DO complain about being lonely and I fear being 50 and still single… but I don’t think that makes me foolish. I just know I am ready for a relationship and don’t want to be single forever. Nothing wrong with that I say!

Thats all.
For now…

Raqi

March 31st, 2009
8:32 am

LOL ImaPeach. When I read the entry I was thinking I can see WiseDiva using that book but presented in a much better way than “women are stupid” as it has been presented to us this morning.

Blanca I love reading your entries but you kinda just threw at this one this morning.

We all have done something stupid or felt some way the shaded our judgment in the name of love at one time or the other.

There women and men both all around the world have esteem issues. Some grow out of them and some don’t.

DreamsMaterialize

March 31st, 2009
8:35 am

Morning
Most women will deny every point from that excerpt because it’s too overt. The titles should have been
“How a woman with SAM Syndrome subconciously thinks”
“How a woman with SAM Syndrome inadvertently behaves”

If the author hasn’t already done this, then she should have identified scenarios that women would identify with and then show how those scenarios tie back to the points in her list.

Raqi

March 31st, 2009
8:59 am

Dreams I wouldn’t go so far as to call someone stupid unless no matter how often they have been shown differently they continue to do the same thing and act the same way.

And you cannot deny that men do things that are not so bright at times when it come to women.

Eileen

March 31st, 2009
9:05 am

I agree with ImaPeach… it’s not that we are stupid, but we give chances out of hope even when we already know.

NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!

March 31st, 2009
9:29 am

Good Morning All :)

I agree with ImaPeach! I believe a person SHOULD have a person they want to share their life with and I don’t think it is stupid thinking..

I am STOOPID about one thing about my man.. He has a pretty %#?&.. Sorry..

NY2GA, Inc.

March 31st, 2009
9:44 am

Sigh. Not another one of those books. When I look at the list it seems that many of those qualities link to a person with self-esteem and worth issues. I wouldn’t go so far to say the person is stupid. They just have alot of growing to do. Hopefully, they recognize their weak areas and their behavioral patterns. Then, take steps to do something about it.

One thing struck me as asinine in the list. Can any of my sisters tell me how you “rescue an emotionally unstable man?” Now, that’s stupid.

mytw♥cents

March 31st, 2009
9:54 am

I’m a recovering Rescue 911 agent. I’ve been sober for about 5 years now. I’m usually great at problem solving, so it is my natural inclination to try to fix things for people. Not the people themselves, though, I went cold turkey on that many moons ago, or at least I think I did. Now if only the solutions to my own issues seemed as crystal clear as that of others.

I think the reaction to this book is much like the backlash from some about Steve’s book. Just sayin’. Oh and I’m bout ready for the other SAM (Stupd Azz Men) book, because women get/take too much of the blame for messy relationships. Yes, people will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. But on the flip side, men should’t relinquish responsibility for treating her whatever kind of way. We each have to be accountable — let’s stop enabling men in their tom foolery, then holding women to a higher standard to reject the foolishness. It’s like when I’d get in trouble for something that my brother could get away with, because mommy would say she “expected more of me.”

kimmie

March 31st, 2009
9:55 am

Morning blog!

Agree we’ve all been there, men and women, a time or two when it came to doing stupid things for love. Hopefully a lightbulb goes off and you “get it” before you look up and see you’ve wasted precious years of your life being unhappy. For a few, the bulb never goes off. That’s sad.

Either way, one always needs to look at SELF and make any necessary adjustments. Grow as a person and then you’ll be ready to love another.

Yeah, the title stinks. Looks like it’s going to be another one of those lady-bashing days. Could’nt it be a title like “Do you make bad decisions when it comes to love?”, so it could be all-inclusive and not insult anyone? Huh Blanca?

Blanca

March 31st, 2009
9:58 am

Raqi I love that you say what you think! You know, I didn’t see this as pulling it out of left field. Rather…the book came across my desk during a time dear Roland and I were having a tiff, so I flipped through it to see if it had anything of value to share. (Of course my male coworkers were like, ummm…whatcha readin’?) One “rule” really annoyed me: Change yourself, not your man. But to go there would be to revisit yesterday… ;)

Leggs

March 31st, 2009
9:58 am

Good morning…yes, I’ve been stupid about men in my late 20’s early 30’s. Live and learn.

@ImAPeach, I think about being 50 and even older and possibly not having a companion. However, what I don’t do is dwell on it. I’m alone for now, but by far am I lonely!

kimmie

March 31st, 2009
9:59 am

My2 – Amen. Why do we get blamed for everything including world hunger?

When is EVERYONE going to stop making excuses for men’s bad behavior, including other women?

mytw♥cents

March 31st, 2009
10:02 am

KIMMIE I hope you had a fab time in the mountains. Out of concern for the retail industry, I lost my mind at the Nordstrom Rack store since you couldn’t shop this weekend. I hope you appreciate my efforts on your behalf. ;) P.S. Your cuz nem are a hot mess!

For Real

March 31st, 2009
10:03 am

What up blog fam.

Here we go another book that gives women the opportunity to blame men for their actions. SAM (Stupid About Men) get the fugg out here. The title should have been Why am I Non-accountable and Irrational. A man is not to blame nor does one have to be in a woman’s life for her to believe or think:

My value as a woman is determined by a man.

• My self-image is in direct proportion to my sexual desirability.

• The purpose of life is to find true love.

• If a man does not love me, God has forgotten me.

• The power of my love can change a man.

• To be needed is to be loved.

• Constantly compares herself to other women.

• Is self-critical and obsessed with weight, appearance and clothing.

• Complains frequently of loneliness and a fear that life is passing her by.

• Is impulsive in love and enters into sexual intimacy too soon.

• Has a high degree of need for excitement and intensity in relationships.

• Is drawn to emotionally unstable men she must rescue, or is drawn to men who will rescue her.

If you are looking for an ACRONYM for the above how is this N.A.I.S.T.Y.E. (Non-Accountable Irrational Slave To Your Emotions)

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

March 31st, 2009
10:04 am

MY2CENTS…” SAM (Stupd Azz Men)” Girl you read my mind…I said the same thing! :lol:

I think TLC had a song about a woman like this…it was called Silly H0E! I think society presses women by saying if your are over 30, single and no kids that there is something wrong. I disagree. I find those women smarter because they just didn’t settle with any ole fool just for the sake of having a man and kids. I guess if your only goal in life is to be a wife a mother then this will consume you because your have no focus on anything else…and you measure yourself as a woman based on this. I on the other hand have so many things I am focused on that at this point I can not see myself in a relationship. At least I can admit that. Heck I do not even desire one. I really think that emotion of romantically loving somebdoy died a few years ago.

i'm swiss

March 31st, 2009
10:06 am

Off topic: You know those folks who go bat-sh!t crazy & shoot up their office? I’m starting to understand where they’re coming from. This place is going to make me lose my d@mn mind. Meetings, meetings and more meetings & nothing ever gets done. We have meetings about upcoming meetings! WTF? :???: Now I know why I’ve avoided big corporations in favor of start-ups for all these years… Somebody please put me out of my misery…. :twisted:

For Real

March 31st, 2009
10:11 am

2Pennies/Kimmie: The question isn’t about excusing men or women’s bad behavior. The question is when will women start to recognize men’s bad behavior in the beginning? Oh that’s right, you know they have bad behavior but you just give them a chance to prove you wrong but don’t call you stupid tho.

What the definition of insanity again?

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

March 31st, 2009
10:14 am

SWISS…Woo sa bruh! :lol: I do not want to hear about you on the 5:00 News!

SexyCool

March 31st, 2009
10:19 am

Blanca…why would the advice about changing yourself as opposed to your man annoy you? YOU are the only person that you CAN change.

It’s like I’ve been telling some of my mentees. There will be things in your life that happen to you that are beyond your control. However, you can control your response to those things. (By the way, I always encourage responses – thought based, controlled – over reactions (emotion based, uncontrolled.) You can also make a decision to change your strategy when you see that what you’re doing is not working or when your actions are not producing the desired results.

Three Words Daily – Live. Love. Laugh.

Raqi

March 31st, 2009
10:20 am

So Blanca you just automatically figured you must have been the one wrong? Or stupid as today’s topic stand.

Girl just because things aren’t going good one day and you don’t see eye to eye, or even if you have done something not so bright doesn’t mean you or any other woman for that matter is stupid. We live and learn. Stupid is to continue in a way even after you have been shown the truth.

Now it is stupid if every time something goes awry or two people have a disagreement the woman automatically thinks or feels she must have done something wrong. And then to turn to book that tells women we are stupid. Now that is stupid.

But yeah I do love reading your topics. :smile:

mytw♥cents

March 31st, 2009
10:21 am

IV Real Yes, blatant signs should be read and we should yield accordingly. BUT you never have anything for the dude who’s playing the role for a minute to get in good, then acts a fool. They are out there whether you acknowledge them or not.

Oh and I looked it up & there’s a pic of this fool holdin an AA Dolphin in the middle of Camp Creek.

i'm swiss

March 31st, 2009
10:23 am

Staceye — I guess that’s what I get for going from a technical team lead job (where I actually did something), to more of a project management gig, where I do nothing but sit in BS meetings & put together ump-teen different BS documents, with a new “template” for each ever f@#king day! Soooooooooooooooo pointless… I spend 99% of my work day thinking, “just give me the d@mn work & I’ll have the whole f@#king thing done myself in a f@#king hour!!!”

Deeva4Life

March 31st, 2009
10:27 am

…but you just give them a chance to prove you wrong but don’t call you stupid tho.

Can somebody help me here…we’re stupid if we give men a chance but if we bounce then we didn’t give them a chance…HELP because I’m confused. WTH are we to do???? LOL

When is EVERYONE going to stop making excuses for men’s bad behavior, including other women?

Kimmie great question…

Angie

March 31st, 2009
10:30 am

**Complains frequently of loneliness**

its been a minute since i’ve complained of being alone. i wear my heart on my sleeve in blogsville, so whatta ya expect? at the time, i wasn’t used to being alone, going home to no one and sleeping by myself. just something time had to heal. i’m straight now. no worries.

Leggs

March 31st, 2009
10:31 am

@DreamsM, Staceye clocked in eary today! :lol:

kimmie

March 31st, 2009
10:35 am

My2 – Thank you for taking up the slack while I was gone and yes, I had an absolutely fabulous time in the mountains. I stayed on top of that mountain in that wonderful cabin out of fear, it was so high. It kept me out of the little shops below!LOL!! Oh, and certain folks who never post anything positive or uplifting about the ladies – well I skip them or don’t respond. I got it together, so don’t need to read anybody putting me or us ladies down!

Blanca

March 31st, 2009
10:37 am

Raqi I love it! Actually…I’ve had past relationships where I was apt to blame myself for things turning sour, but I’m over that. Roland and I have had some significant disagreements and I’ve come to accept we may just have a few fundamental differences, not that one of us is right and the other is wrong.

I was annoyed at the “Change yourself, not your man” because of past men who have asked me to be, for example, “sweeter.” Huh? I’ve never claimed to be sweet, though I can be such. I work on bettering myself whether or not I have a man, but to feel I need to become something I’m not for a fella? No thanks. Further, I’m not one who tries to change a man and I question when a man blatantly tries to change me. I think it’s futile to expect eachother to morph into someone other than we are, save for gentle compromises.

And I love what you said: “Stupid is to continue in a way even after you have been shown the truth.” I couldn’t agree more!

For Real

March 31st, 2009
10:41 am

2 Pennies: “BUT you never have anything for the dude who’s playing the role for a minute to get in good, then acts a fool.” – So you are saying it’s men’s fault because 37 different men were able to fool you with same trick of playing the role for a minute to get in good, then act a fool. What that saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?

D4Life: Let me help you… You are stupid if you keep giving the same type man the same chance to do the samething they always do to you. Think about it, who is the one person that keeps picking the same kind of man? Oh and no one is making excuses for bad behaving men but woman seem to keep making excuses for giving bad behaving men chances to do what they do.

THE MELO

March 31st, 2009
10:43 am

Morning ladies!
No ladies,the reason you are alone etc is not yurs,its the men’s fault.

Hwz that?? Do yu feel better now? :???:

let’s stop enabling men in their tom foolery, then holding women to a higher standard to reject the foolishness

Cant we have just one day,where u can dwell on what u do wrong ladies,rather than flip it on the guys??? Is that too much to ask.

Hwdie For Real!

For Real

March 31st, 2009
10:46 am

Blanca: “I’ve never claimed to be sweet, though I can be such.” – If you can be sweet then why not be sweet? Or, do you fake being such?

Blanca

March 31st, 2009
10:54 am

For Real I don’t fake anything…I think that’s why I’m not what I’d describe as “sweet.” I curse far too much for that, I bet! But while I don’t walk around exclaiming “bless your heart” or giggle a lot (and yes I know “sweet” can be defined differently) I do go out of my way for people, sending notes of why I appreciate them or doing other little things that (hopefully) make my friends and family feel loved. But again, I probably have a little too sharp of a tongue to truly be considered sweet. Just my two cents.

kimmie

March 31st, 2009
10:55 am

Cant we have just one day,where u can dwell on what u do wrong ladies,rather than flip it on the guys??? Is that too much to ask.

The One & Only Melo – Isn’t EVERY DAY a what-ladies-do-wrong day on here?!!

Let me get to work – I’ll lurk & catch yall later when the topic changes.

Kym-is going to update my status here just like on Facebook

March 31st, 2009
10:56 am

Okay so today it is going to be my post to be filtered out. This is now my third attempt to post. And since I am too tired to remember what I said the last two times I will just say..I agree with Raqi..the book is lame..Everyone changes..and I am sleepy.

Leggs

March 31st, 2009
10:56 am

Melo, I know one of the things I’m doing wrong in the eyes of some guys. I’m not giving into the hype and BS of them wanting to be w/me. For that I am wrong, but true to myself :wink: You said it best, stop enabling men in their tom foolery YEP!

Kym-is going to update my status here just like on Facebook

March 31st, 2009
10:59 am

@Swiss it could be worse you could be unemployed. I mean venting is cool but think of the alternative.

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

March 31st, 2009
10:59 am

SWISS…you know what they say..if you want something done right….do it yourself.

LEGSS…don’t encourage DREAMS! :lol:

MELO…It’s not flipping anything on guys. But men do not like to own up to their responsibility in anything. When do you ever admit that you F’ed up??? You always say what SHE did…what about you? You are just as responsible for it as she is.

THE MELO

March 31st, 2009
11:01 am

Isn’t EVERY DAY a what-ladies-do-wrong day on here?!!

Yes and No Kimmie.But today’s topic is asking u to look in the mirror and correct/acknowldge ur mistakes.
Hw u gonna do that by starting with a whole bunch of excuses.There are as many bad men as there are women.This is about you LADIES.Us guys might as well lurk and listen and hear what u do wrong rather than hearing u keep saying,oh,im always picking the wrong dudes blah,blah,blah.Ask urself WHY? :???: CLEAR.

Deeva4Life

March 31st, 2009
11:04 am

For Real well that’s common sense…I don’t think that was my question but whatever. The point remains you’re going to forever point the finger at the woman when the truth of the matter is the foolishness shouldn’t be there to begin with. So I can accept accountability that I may have stayed too long and dealt with more than I should but where’s the accountability that the man should’ve never acted that way from the beginning?

M'Karyl

March 31st, 2009
11:06 am

Any woman who measures her self-worth by in relationship to a beefstick is a true dipstick…period.

lurker

March 31st, 2009
11:08 am

Leggs, are you dating anyone? If not, why?

kimmie

March 31st, 2009
11:09 am

Melo – Again – EVERY DAY is about what we do wrong on here, to the point where it’s not entertaining sometimes!LOL!!

But you know what Melo? As I stated before, while I’m not perfect, I’ve got it together! Call this arrogance, inflated ego, whatever like we talked about last week on the subject. Maybe after constant preaching from a bunch of dudes they don’t know some women need more of this bashing & looking in the mirror. Let them get into this. Maybe you & the rest of the MLB can help them. I don’t need it. There, I said it. Life is good!

lurker

March 31st, 2009
11:11 am

M’K, why is it that most women feel this void after becoming successful and achieving goals?

Leggs

March 31st, 2009
11:11 am

Hey, just helping you get that much deserved overtime. Even blog dollars help somewhere :lol:

THE MELO

March 31st, 2009
11:16 am

When do you ever admit that you F’ed up???
All the time. Let me ask u this,Are u ever going to give a good man a chance? Stop blaming the bad guys that u dumped,im talking about the good guy Mamba??
I’m not giving into the hype and BS of them wanting to be w/me
Good! Remember this,most men will pudsy upper most in their minds.Thats not to say that they dont like a long term project.Now if u give in to their sexual needs hedging that if they sample,they will stick around,you cant blame that on them but on yourself becoz u opened the door.If he decides to walk after that,it dont mean hes a bad man.NO! He was simply taking care of himself,just as u were too.
Thats a dating wash 1-1.Drawn game,as we say in soccer.

THE MELO

March 31st, 2009
11:18 am

will have pudsy upper most…….sorry for that!

M'Karyl

March 31st, 2009
11:19 am

@Lurker

Actually, I noticed in a lot of women where being successful and achieving goals where not the issue(some where never go to get that far in life :lol: )…I think that this view stems from a more archiac cultural and society view that equates a woman’s worth to her relationship with a man…IMO, these are traits and behaviors of insecure women who have not self-actualized themselves as a feminine entity who is valued independently of her role as a man’s woman…I have observed this mentality in the ATL like the rain….often…I wish I could understand it, but I am just not built that way.

THE MELO

March 31st, 2009
11:22 am

Kimmie, i dont think u are arrogant.I feel,u feel u are in a good,secure and happy place.Good for u!
I had one qstion for u tho:have u put a time line yet on ur project or its still open.Remember,this thing is as good as u plan it.Just my advice.There is a thin line between failure and success in this game.

Leggs

March 31st, 2009
11:35 am

@lurker. No, I’m not dating. Why? Because the men who are approaching me are letting me know that they want a sexual relationship. I don’t mind their honestly. It helps me to keep it moving. There is a gentlemen who wants to spend time w/me but he only calls late at night or on Sunday evenings. Also, he’s disrespectful when it comes to time. All of this is a major turnoff. All the good times of the week is gone and spent some where else or with someone else. I’m cool w/that as well. I’m not going to be someone’s afterthought. And, if I only receive calls or “how you’re doing” at crazy times, I have no choice but to say hello, converse a little and keep it moving. Winter isn’t a good time to meet people for me since I can’t stand the cold. Hopefully, since the weather is breaking I’ll start meeting more and more people. I have to be true to myself. Yes, it’s a compliment if someone is interested in me, even sexually. However, it would be a major disservice to myself if I give myself to some just because of their interest in my honey pot!

DreamsMaterialize

March 31st, 2009
11:36 am

Raqi
I didn’t call anyone stupid. I was just drawing on what the book said. My point is that people won’t relate to some obscure, seemingly far-fetched list of things. They will all say, “that’s not me”. But if you present scenarios, then people have no choice but to admit if the scenario is similar to one they’ve been in. You then make a reasonable argument as to why that scenario ties directly to the points in your list. So, if you tell someone that they’re a self-loather, I can almost guarantee they’ll deny it until they’re blue in the face. They’ll claim they love themselves more than anything. Now present them with a scenario that they’ve been in and show them how that exhibits self-loathing, and then they will see. That’s all I was saying. lol

Leggs
I’m usually in by 8, but don’t usually check into the blog until after 8:30.

Staceye
I didn’t think anything of Leggs’ post until you said something. So I guess you could say that the one encouraging me. ;-) With that said, I see you were in here early like I TOLD you to be. lol

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

March 31st, 2009
11:38 am

DEEVA…girl I co-sign your 11:04. If the men woudl not even bring the games. lies and foolery to the doorstep then a lot of this coudl be avoided. I think it becomes a thing where men feel that we as woman are supposed to have the forgiving gene and the ability to look the other way from their indescretions. But turn the tables and it’s not happening. Again…do not ask anything of me that you are not capable of doing yourself.

LURKER…”why is it that most women feel this void after becoming successful and achieving goals” I think that once you have accomplish one goal..then it’s on to another. Usually the goals for a woman are 1. Career and 2. Family…or vice versa. So now comes the biological clock. If say the career success comes at 40…now she is in a race against time to have a family. So all kinds of doubts and fears start to get teh best of her. This is just my observation.

MELO…as I have stated..I have lost the desire to want to be a relaionship. Have I gone out with guys in the last few years…sure. But do I want to have a emotional and/or physical thing..NOPE! Too much energy that I could be focusing on what I really desire. A relationship takes so much work, time (that I do not have with all that I do in my life), Love (which I am not willing to give my heart because if it gets broken it interferes with my goals and I can’t have them suffering)…and Trust (which I give NO human Being). So why put myself of any guy who “may be good” through something that is a waste of time?