I love you, except for these few details…
A wishful message from someecards.com
Of the million questions I have about life and love, one of the murkiest centers around the concept of “changing” for a partner. Most of us, especially today’s independent women, raise our eyebrows (if not our voices) in horror at the thought.
“Change me?” we think. “You want to change something about who I am? Well then clearly, we’re not right for eachother, because the ideal partner will love me for me, imperfections and all.”
Sounds good, right? I mean, I hope it’s true. I want to believe that is how it works. That said, I also realize that in any relationship, adjustments happen. I’ve haven’t had many beaus point out major flaws that need addressed, but when it has happened (because it does), I ask myself the following: Is this a fair point? Will I become a better person because of it, or does it change my core essence?
Navigating those answers is the tricky part! For example, I once had a boyfriend who said I got a little too angry at seemingly minor or just annoying events, such as bad traffic, rude people or things that were just out of my control. While I don’t throw things, become irrational or scream, I had to consider that he had a point: I do tend to seethe and/or curse a blue streak in those instances. (Of course, I think I’m also pretty funny about it, to be fair.) I didn’t necessarily like his correction, but I realized that indeed I could work on my stress management. It didn’t change who I was, but perhaps enhanced it.
In another relationship, my boyfriend (a doctor) began to get on my case about pursuing writing as it isn’t particularly lucrative. “Blanca, you’re so smart, why are you in journalism? Don’t you want to go into law and maybe politics? Or you would be great at running a company. Have you thought about that?”
Let’s just say we didn’t last much longer. That he wanted to rewrite my interests and pursuits was way outside my comfort zone, and made me realize he didn’t “get” who I am.
Have you been asked to change in large or small ways in your relationships? Were any of those requests valid or did you bail? And if you’ve been asked by many partners to “change” the same aspect about yourself, at what point do you think that maybe they were right?
Finally, what is fair “change” to ask someone to make, if any?
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160 comments Add your comment
Raqi
March 30th, 2009
2:16 pm
Friday evening when we were getting ready to go out to have dinner with his brother and the wife, I told him to wait while I go and change because I wasn’t feeling the dress I was wearing. He told me it looked nice and not to change it.
Was that prompt to not change because he did’t want to wait the extra 15 minutes that it would take me to change the dress and the accesories that made it all work nicely or was it because he bought the dress and he really does like it and wanted me to wear?
Change, change, change. Anybody got change for a dollar?
Leggs
March 30th, 2009
2:17 pm
Now Raqi, have you changed your sleep number yet? Now, that’s change!
Raqi
March 30th, 2009
2:25 pm
Leggs my present number is at 85. Big change from the 60-65 that I normally like.
lurker
March 30th, 2009
2:27 pm
Enter your comments here
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
March 30th, 2009
2:29 pm
Raqi- You are on a roll!! LOL!
Jamoca
March 30th, 2009
2:29 pm
Hey everybody…
Stormy been busy, and mentally elsewhere. However I did check in last Friday, for a spell.
But I do appreciate your thoughts. This was a sinus infection turned pneumonia; and like I mentioned to Leggs my mother has always been pretty sickly as a kid (just a poor immune system)…being constantly hospitalized due to 3rd degree burns from swallowing fresh, hot, scaldding chicken grease…to getting her throat cut open from swallowing a marble. And to think, for years, she’s been very much a health-nut, being careful with what/how much she eats, to body building…you name it.
But it’s quite evident, these complications are becoming more frequent as she gets older. I was going through some of her old pictures, one was her standing and enjoying a potatoe chip when she was 4 yrs old, being that was officially her first time eating through her mouth shortly after being discharged from the hospital, instead of a feeding tube from her navel and the others were when she was into bodybuilding…and all I could say was WOW!
To be honest, it’s kind of hard to see her this way or even make visits to the hospital, whenever she’s there, because she’s always been this “I make my own way” type of person…a real firecracker. But now it’s quite the opposite. I swear I can put her on my right hip and carry her little bitty self…and the funny thing is, her weight loss seems to be going on everywhere else, except for her behind! Lol…when I told her this, she laughed and said to me ….”oh, shuddup.” Other than that, I swear she could easily be compared to someone else in their early 20’s. But other than that, she’s doing well for the time being.
Leggs
March 30th, 2009
2:34 pm
It’s official, Raqi has changed. She loved her 60-65 sleep number….Pregnancy has made her change! See, it’s not always a person….wait, it’s still a person that made the change come about (lil raqi).
kimmie
March 30th, 2009
2:38 pm
Jamoca – Your mom is in my prayers. It is so hard to see people that are vibrant and on the go have to slow down thru no fault of their own. When you have your health you have everything!
Nobody like Mama.
NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!
March 30th, 2009
2:38 pm
Jamoca- I am sorry to hear your mommy hasn’t been doing well! Please continue to be strong for her and yourself
DreamsMaterialize
March 30th, 2009
2:47 pm
Jamocha
Our prayers go out to you and your family.
So it looks like the weather is back. Where’s the Monday blog happy hour spot? lol
Stormy
March 30th, 2009
2:55 pm
Jamocha
I will add you and your family to my prayer list. Wishing you and your family the best.
I know it’s hard to watch….I felt the same way when my father was going through his battle with cancer.
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
March 30th, 2009
3:09 pm
Yeah I have had certain men try to change me..and they got the boot real quick. Obviously you did not really like me for me. You like what you thought you could make me! Sorry buddy…I am not clay…you can not mold me into your Stepford Wife.
If you met me wearing fitted clothes…guess what…that is what I like. If you didn’t like it then why did you step to me. Now step off! You do not like the way I speak my mind…again…keep it moving! There is not a docile bone in this body. And even if I lost teh ability to speak vocally….I would would be one sign language chick who’s hands would never stop moving until my words got out. All this to say….I change for NO ONE but me. And I like who I am.
DreamsMaterialize
March 30th, 2009
3:14 pm
Staceye
Hey we can usually expect you to blow the blog door down at around 11am. Today we don’t hear from you until 3pm. I think you’re changing on us. Now I’m demanding that you change back…I dare you.
Leggs
March 30th, 2009
3:17 pm
Good one, DreamsM!
Raqi
March 30th, 2009
3:19 pm
Jamocha I hope your mother’s get well soon.
AmazonRed - loving life
March 30th, 2009
3:26 pm
Hey Jamoca, I’m not sure why the bloggers are adding an “h” to your blog name, but stay strong. I hope your mother makes a full recovery!
Raqi
March 30th, 2009
3:30 pm
Leggs I can officially say that my husband changed me. Right? LOL
SexyCool
March 30th, 2009
3:34 pm
TGI Friday’s on Camp Creek has a live band on Monday nights and $4 drinks for happy hour.
i'm swiss
March 30th, 2009
3:36 pm
(In my Beavis & Butt-head voice) Hehehe… hehehehe… hehehehe…Staceye said “bone”
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
March 30th, 2009
3:36 pm
DREAMS….oh shut up!
I was busy…working and uploading new FB pictures!
Raqi
March 30th, 2009
3:45 pm
Does changing the fragrance of your fabric softener because your mate’s sensitive sinuses cannot tolerate the former count as change?
What about the time you get in the morning or the time you go to sleep after being with someone? Does that count?
What about the time you eat dinner?
THE MELO
March 30th, 2009
3:46 pm
Swiss,i missed that Staceye post.Who she bone? Lucky guy!
I hope stac didnt chew it off to get a souvenir.
Somne new blogger called Skky complaining about not seing her guys neck or smething to that effect.Somebody,plz ask her why shes getting hit from the back all the time?? Try new things
Afternon guys!
Slow in this camp,must be the cold weather,most of my muscles are still numb.Not all,but most.
i'm swiss
March 30th, 2009
3:51 pm
Raqi — You seem like you’re having fun today… are you medicated today?
If so, I want what you’re taking… 
Raqi
March 30th, 2009
3:52 pm
I have changed…
The side of the bed that I sleep on.
The number of times a year that I get my hair cut.
The desire to not have a television in the bedroom.
The total closet space that I need.
The kind bottled water that I drink.
The cable company that I used to have.
The amount of petty cash that I spend monthly.
Raqi
March 30th, 2009
3:54 pm
Nah Swiss this is me. Ask WiseDiva and a few of the old ones.
I used to do a weekly “Random Thoughts” column. LOL
Raqi
March 30th, 2009
4:02 pm
I have changed…
How much I used to hate to watch sports. (I only it just a little bit now)
How many times I kiss my partner in one day. (Now it is every day)
How often I go to the gas station. (Very seldom)
How many times I go with my friends alone in one month. (Maybe once a month now)
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
March 30th, 2009
4:03 pm
SWISS…You are so crazy!
Leggs
March 30th, 2009
4:04 pm
Yes, you can officially say your husband has changed you. I so loved being pregnant then!
Raqi
March 30th, 2009
4:07 pm
In the past 6 months I have changed…
The types of food that I can eat.
The types of food that I desire to eat.
The ability to be able to sleep on my belly.
The ability to wrestle my husband to the floor and take advantage of him. (Well I never really could do it, he would just let me.)
The ability to change a tire.
The ability to move furniture around all willynilly.
The ability to clearly see my shoes while standing.
i'm swiss
March 30th, 2009
4:07 pm
Staceye — No, I’m perfectly sane. It’s the rest of the word that’s lost its d@mn mind…
Nice pics on FB, BTW…
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
March 30th, 2009
4:08 pm
MELO…you are so nasty!
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
March 30th, 2009
4:10 pm
SWISS…thank you.
DreamsMaterialize
March 30th, 2009
4:13 pm
Staceye
You know I had to mess with you mami. you know you wasn’t doing no work. lol now the FB thing I believe.
Leggs
March 30th, 2009
4:16 pm
i’m swiss that’s pretty much Raqi in a nutshell. Her random thoughts are hilarious!
DuShawn
March 30th, 2009
4:21 pm
I think people often confuse constructive criticism or one’s genuine attempt to uplift, with trying to change them. Regardless of how perfect a person is initially, when the infatuation starts to wear, there will be some petty idiosyncrasy that you’re not to fond of. Over the years, there have been several chicks that I enjoyed hanging out with because they were wild and fun, but they lacked refinement. Then there were others that were real classy, but boring as hell. If a guy really digs a female, but he discovers she lacks certain qualities, I don’t see anything wrong with suggesting she give thought to strengthening those areas. It’s better to try to change her (encourage her growth), than to throw out the baby with the bathwater. Unless, he’s trying to change a hoe into a housewife, that’s truly an exercise in futility.
Raqi
March 30th, 2009
4:22 pm
In the past 24 hours I have changed…
My underwear.
My hairstyle.
My ink cartridge in the printer.
My mind about having chicken casserole for dinner.
My screen saver.
My 2 picture arrangement on my desk.
My contacts to glasses.
My bosses mind about when he will take his vacation.
i'm swiss
March 30th, 2009
4:22 pm
Leggs — I thought this was Raqi in a nutshell:
“Help! I’m trapped in a nutshell! Somebody help get me out of this ridi cu lous ly large nutshell!”
i'm swiss
March 30th, 2009
4:31 pm
Dang… I’m sleepy… Somebody start some sh!t in here — I need to be entertained!
THE MELO
March 30th, 2009
4:32 pm
Unless, he’s trying to change a hoe into a housewife
oh boy!
i feel Beautiful today
March 30th, 2009
4:33 pm
i missed y’all today! was busy around the house this morning with spring cleaning. had men in and out of the crib fixing things and giving estimates since 8am. whew!
THE MELO
March 30th, 2009
4:34 pm
Do they have nice food at Augusta golf club,any body know?? Im thinking of going that whole week, for spring break and the masters but wanna know how their food is like,at the club.
Who can give me info??
DreamsMaterialize
March 30th, 2009
4:36 pm
SexyCool
TGI Friday’s on Camp Creek has a live band on Monday nights and $4 drinks for happy hour.
Sounds cool, but it’s too daggone far. lol I’m trying to stay on the north side of the perimeter. Where my north fulton heads at? lol
AmazonRed - loving life
March 30th, 2009
4:36 pm
Staceye, are the new pics the belly dancing ones? Go girl. I like the confidence of the ladies, cuz some of them are fearless.
THE MELO
March 30th, 2009
4:38 pm
Staceye,how can i see those pics on FB? Send me a note plz
They better be nice,u know how i like to see skin
i'm swiss
March 30th, 2009
4:39 pm
DM — I’m in N. Fulton… but I gots me a date w/ Swiss Miss tonight. Well actually, we’re cooking dinner, watching 24 & then Swiss Miss is gonna rock my world (probably while imagining that I’m Jack Bauer)…
DreamsMaterialize
March 30th, 2009
4:46 pm
Jack B aka swiss
Now you know that didn’t help my cause one bit, but I ain’t mad atcha. lol Nothin wrong with the role play man.
Leggs
March 30th, 2009
4:47 pm
That is funny as hell i’m swiss Guess that is her in a nutshell…whew! My funny bone is easily tickled today!
Staceye AKA Black Mamba
March 30th, 2009
4:47 pm
DREAMS…I was to working!
ARED…yes they are!
MELO…you had better get a FB page!
Then you can see me.
THE MELO
March 30th, 2009
4:48 pm
I do,Staceye,but not much on it…creeps like me do undercover stuff
DreamsMaterialize
March 30th, 2009
4:52 pm
Staceye
Yeah yeah tell me anything. lol You better be on time in the blog tomorrow though. I’m not playin’ with you.