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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

I love you, except for these few details…

 

A perfect message from someecards.com

A wishful message from someecards.com

Of the million questions I have about life and love, one of the murkiest centers around the concept of “changing” for a partner. Most of us, especially today’s independent women, raise our eyebrows (if not our voices) in horror at the thought. 

“Change me?” we think. “You want to change something about who I am? Well then clearly, we’re not right for eachother, because the ideal partner will love me for me, imperfections and all.”

Sounds good, right? I mean, I hope it’s true. I want to believe that is how it works. That said, I also realize that in any relationship, adjustments happen. I’ve haven’t had many beaus point out major flaws that need addressed, but when it has happened (because it does), I ask myself the following: Is this a fair point? Will I become a better person because of it, or does it change my core essence?

Navigating those answers is the tricky part! For example, I once had a boyfriend who said I got a little too angry at seemingly minor or just annoying events, such as bad traffic, rude people or things that were just out of my control. While I don’t throw things, become irrational or scream, I had to consider that he had a point: I do tend to seethe and/or curse a blue streak in those instances. (Of course, I think I’m also pretty funny about it, to be fair.) I didn’t necessarily like his correction, but I realized that indeed I could work on my stress management. It didn’t change who I was, but perhaps enhanced it.

In another relationship, my boyfriend (a doctor) began to get on my case about pursuing writing as it isn’t particularly lucrative. “Blanca,  you’re so smart, why are you in journalism? Don’t you want to go into law and maybe politics? Or you would be great at running a company. Have you thought about that?”

Let’s just say we didn’t last much longer. That he wanted to rewrite my interests and pursuits was way outside my comfort zone, and made me realize he didn’t “get” who I am.

Have you been asked to change in large or small ways in your relationships? Were any of those requests valid or did you bail? And if you’ve been asked by many partners to “change” the same aspect about yourself, at what point do you think that maybe they were right?

Finally, what is fair “change” to ask someone to make, if any?

160 comments Add your comment

Sugar

March 30th, 2009
8:16 am

Maybe he wasn’t trying to change you, but BETTER you……maybe he was thinking of your future…….challenging you maybe????? Did you ever think of that? No, you took it as a personal attack, and dumped him.

I cannot believe there are no comments, and it’s 8:15 already……

East Point's Own

March 30th, 2009
8:50 am

In a healthy relationship both partners shoudl constantly change, for the better. Each partner’s good attributes should rub off on the other, and hopefully as life goes on the partners will both change for as they experience life together. If 2 people are together and not changing something is wrong with that relationship.

Blanca simply asking or implying that you could be successful in another line of work is not necesarily trying to change you nor does it mean that he does not “get” who you are, I am sure that there must have been more to what he said to offend you. But simply raising the question does not mean he wants you to become a person driven by money instead of doign a job you love. Often times people don’t think enough of thei capabilities to pursure other or higher goals for themselves, and sometimes being questioned helps give a boost of confidence or a kick in the pants that moves a person to get better at something or to try something new.

East Point's Own

March 30th, 2009
8:52 am

Maybe folks are afraid to blog after last week… LoL
Its safe now everyone… come on out to play…

AmazonRed - loving life

March 30th, 2009
8:54 am

Happy Monday Lovelies,

I believe that we are who we are. We are capable of making adjustments as we age, and learn to manage ourselves better, but at the end of the day, we are who we are. If someone is stubborn, you can most often look back to when they were kids and see that stubborn streak. As an adult, that same person may have learned to yeild better and manage that stubborn streak better – it’s called maturity – but it’s still there.

That being said, I’m sure that I’ve been asked to change, and I’m sure I’ve asked others to change. I can’t think of any examples now. But if I’m asking someone to change who they are, it’s a sign that we’re not compatible. There is someone out there who can deal with your quirks.

AmazonRed - loving life

March 30th, 2009
9:07 am

I cannot believe there are no comments, and it’s 8:15 already……

The blog doesn’t open until 8 and this blog never get very many responses before 9…ever.

DreamsMaterialize

March 30th, 2009
9:12 am

Morning
because the ideal partner will love me for me, imperfections and all.”
Partly true. I would say your ideal partner will love you for you, as well as the greater person you can become. Your ideal mate will see the potential in you that others, maybe even you, don’t see. Life is change. Growth is change. You adapt or get left behind.

NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!

March 30th, 2009
9:23 am

Good Morning All :)

Hope all had a WONDERFUL weekend even though it was GROSS outside..

Skyy

March 30th, 2009
9:24 am

Morning, I think more people are reading instead of blogging; besides the topics have gotten really **boring** lately. I lurke more than I comment.

Raqi

March 30th, 2009
9:29 am

I don’t think it’s wrong or bad to point out certain things about your partner or love interest. There are things about all of us that we don’t realize about ourselves and having someone on the outside looking in to make these things known to us can be good. And in your case with the doctor he just seems like he was giving you positive input from what he saw in you. Which could be a great thing. Not for you to really change but he something good in you.

Now if you have someone who is attempting to morph you into a whole new person, from the way you look and dress to what you do for a living and how you spend your time then that person obviously is not for you.

But truly sometimes another person can help us be a better person.

The ones I could not stand were the overbearing health nuts. Giving advice on healthier food choices is one thing, but to criticize everything I put my hands in an attempt to reduce my diet to wheat grass and dirt. No. Way. I have a good diet. I have to because my condition requires it. So leave me the heck alone about my love for all things chocolate and spicy. LOL

Raqi

March 30th, 2009
9:31 am

What the heck is happening with my comments? I haven’t used profanity, I haven’t posted under a fake name to spew hate at anyone. Why are my comments being deleted?

i'm swiss

March 30th, 2009
9:35 am

Raqi — The same thing’s been happening to me & others… Apparently the new blog has some sort of “intelligent” filtering system that’s not too intelligent. The other day, I had a post get eaten 3 times, then finally go through when I replaced 1 word: ridiculous. Don’t know when that became a bad word, but oh well.

Leggs

March 30th, 2009
9:36 am

Good mornining everyone. I took a great day to be off this past Friday. The weather was beyond YUCKY!

ARed, this is for you. I was in the store Saturday with a Michigan baseball cap on. The man behind me asked if I was rooting for Michigan. I smiled and said I didn’t even know they were playing. I like the cap cuz it fits my peanut head. We both laughed.

i'm swiss

March 30th, 2009
9:37 am

Raqi — The same thing’s been happening to me & others… Apparently the new blog has some sort of “intelligent” filtering system that’s not too intelligent. The other day, I had a post get eaten 3 times, then finally go through when I replaced 1 word: I can’t write it here, or my post will get eaten again, but it’s a synonym for silly. Starts with ri- and ends with -culous. Don’t know when that became a bad word, but oh well.

Sassy Me.... I'm All In

March 30th, 2009
9:37 am

Mornin’ blog fam :)

I once had a boyfriend who said I got a little too angry at seemingly minor or just annoying events, such as bad traffic, rude people or things that were just out of my control.

My middle name should’ve been road rage b/c my ex would tell me he thought I might end up on the news one day. He said if he didn’t know any better he might’ve thought I had Turrets syndrome ’cause I would go off at the drop of a dime in bad traffic,slack customer service and other things that would annoy me to high he.ll. I noticed that he wasn’t the first person I’ve dated to say that so I realized that I did need to fall back,check my ‘tude and not lose my cool as much as I was.

In a good relationship,there’s going to be change that we’re cognizant of as well as some change we might not see cause you’re in the thick of the relationship…others may see it but you won’t at the time. I think when we’re where we’re supposed to be and with whom we’re supposed to be with then good change should continue…you make each other better together then when you were alone.

i'm swiss

March 30th, 2009
9:38 am

Raqi — The same thing’s been happening to me & others… Apparently the new blog has some sort of “intelligent” filtering system that’s not too intelligent. The other day, I had a post get eaten 3 times, then finally go through when I replaced 1 word: I can’t write it here, or this post will get eaten, but it’s a synonym for silly. Don’t know when that became a bad word, but oh well.

i'm swiss

March 30th, 2009
9:39 am

ridiculous

(Just testing)

i'm swiss

March 30th, 2009
9:40 am

It’s a form of the word: ridicule

Raqi

March 30th, 2009
9:45 am

Swiss it happened to me last week also. I don’t know what it is, but it is odd. And that’s all I am going to say.

NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!

March 30th, 2009
9:47 am

It is VERY frustrating when my posts are eaten.. If it does it more than once, I don’t even bother posting..

Leggs- That was cute :)

Ared & Dreams- I agree!

i'm swiss

March 30th, 2009
9:50 am

Starts with: rid

Ends with: iculous

i'm swiss

March 30th, 2009
9:54 am

Blanca — Seriously, what is the deal with the blog filter? It’s denying completely innocuous posts. I’ve discovered 1 word in particular that will get a post blocked every time. Starts with R & is a synonym for silly — The adjective form of the word ridicule. Now, why would that possibly trigger the filter?

i'm swiss

March 30th, 2009
9:55 am

THE MELO

March 30th, 2009
9:57 am

Ridiculous??

THE MELO

March 30th, 2009
9:57 am

Ridi cu lous ???

Raqi

March 30th, 2009
9:58 am

(Second Attempt)

I don’t think it’s wrong or bad to point out certain things about your partner or love interest. There are things about all of us that we don’t realize about ourselves and having someone on the outside looking in to make these things known to us can be good. And in your case with the doctor he just seems like he was giving you positive input from what he saw in you. Which could be a great thing. Not for you to really change but he something good in you.

Now if you have someone who is attempting to morph you into a whole new person, from the way you look and dress to what you do for a living and how you spend your time that person obviously is not for you.

But truly sometimes another person can help us be a better person.

The ones I could not stand were the overbearing health nuts. Giving advice on healthier food choices is one thing, but to criticize everything I put my hands in an attempt to reduce my diet to wheat grass and dirt. No. Way. I have a good diet. I have to because my condition requires it. So leave me the heck alone about my love for all things chocolate and spyci.

(I think s * p * i * c* y in my first tries may be the reason for my ban)

AmazonRed - loving life

March 30th, 2009
9:58 am

LOL. Is everyone’s post getting eaten BUT mine? That doesn’t seem any parts of fair. :lol:

i'm swiss

March 30th, 2009
9:58 am

Exactly, Melo. Put it together & see what happens.

THE MELO

March 30th, 2009
9:59 am

Or u can say this Swiss, Cu lous Ridi..lets just be creative and invent other words. :lol: I hope thats not profanity tho,in some other zambunda lingo :lol:

SexyCool

March 30th, 2009
10:01 am

Blanca – perhaps your person THOUGHT he was complimenting all of what he saw as your obvious talents in areas other than journalism.

Three Words Daily – Positive Power Prevails.

NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!

March 30th, 2009
10:03 am

Raqi- LMAO @ wheat grass & dirt.. That is a ridiculous..

NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!

March 30th, 2009
10:03 am

Raqi-LMAO @ wheatgrass & dirt

THE MELO

March 30th, 2009
10:06 am

Ared, are u sleeping with the blog master?? Thats not right :lol:

Skyy

March 30th, 2009
10:10 am

Has anyone noticed like me that every picture of Frank Ski that i see HE HAS NO NECK!!!!!

The Melo

March 30th, 2009
10:15 am

WHO WAS WITH MY HOISH WIFE THIS WEEKEND?

Raqi

March 30th, 2009
10:21 am

NewYork I dated a guy that owned a health food store and he was pretty cool. But this other nut that I met and talked to for about a month, he was on some real craziness. Eating health and smart is one thing, but this guy had pretty much reduced his diet to that of a cow. And attempted to do for every one he met.

Imagine being on a date have someone find fault with you ordering a grilled chicken breast. “you know they inject steroids…blah,blah…” “this, that and the other is bad for you.” Pure agony.

Another pet peeves are the guys who try to undress you and by that I mean suggesting you wear items that are more revealing. Dude you don’t even know me like, so get from under my clothes already.

And the biggest is the ones that only date women that are XYZ and proceed to try to make you into that woman or type of woman. Like the guy that was into women who are in college or “higher learning”. It was obvious that I was done with that. Only when and if I feel the need to invest my time into being in someone’s classroom again will I do it. But not because it’s the one thing that I lack to make me the perfect one for you.

Raqi

March 30th, 2009
10:23 am

Melo do you have a twin or a shadow lurking among us?

Been Thru It All

March 30th, 2009
10:31 am

let me try…..ridiculous

THE MELO

March 30th, 2009
10:32 am

All of a sudden,im a celebrity Raqi,with stalkers and all.Its creepy.I kinda understand those cali celebs dilemna with paparazzi even more now.
I hope u guys wl understand and bear with me during this difficult time.U see some posting that off,understand its not me,its my nutty cousin nuttymelo or melo for short.

Been Thru It All

March 30th, 2009
10:32 am

let me try….ridiculous

Been Thru It All

March 30th, 2009
10:33 am

hey swiss…why do you think that they ban that word?

DreamsMaterialize

March 30th, 2009
10:34 am

NYCUTIE
Hey wassup. Weekend was good.

Blog Victims
Better be careful, Big Brother is watching. I got accused of “getting around the word filter”, and they threatened to ban me from the blog. So I guess everyone is fair game. Melo you and ARed need to combine your blog talents and exempt status to teach us all how to avoid Big Brother, or else you’ll be the only two blogging, with only the lurkers watching you. lol

DreamsMaterialize

March 30th, 2009
10:39 am

Been Thru Swiss
the second syllable possibly? lol That’s just stupid though. I hope they didn’t pay a contractor to develop the algorithm for that word filter. They need their money back. Swiss with my math/logic skills and your programming abilities, we could’ve done some quality 1099 work for them. Then again, maybe they’re cheap and got what they paid for. haha

STOP HATING ON @TTENTION WHORRES

March 30th, 2009
10:52 am

YOU ACTUALLY PUT IN YOUR REAL EMAIL ADDRESS?? CRAZY LOON!

kimmie

March 30th, 2009
10:54 am

Morning beautiful blog people!

Had a fabulous weekend in the mountains! Went with 3 other couples that were all good people. Very relaxing and wonderful breathing that fresh mountain air!

On topic – I do agree that a person can help you become better or reach your greater potential, just like a person can change you in a negative way and bring you down. But, like anything in life, its a WAY to go about it – it’s all presentation! Like Blanca, I had a guy who tried to get me to go into a different career direction. He did not come at me like “You know Kim, I think you’d be great at XYZ, have you ever considered it?” No, he would look down his nose at what I was currently doing, basically belittle me and act like I was not “good enough” because I chose a career in finance and not engineering or science! He really laughed at the baking/catering thing too – so like Blanca I had to kick him to the curb! I’ve been where Raqi was too with the health nut. You can’t even enjoy yourself! Another tried to do the “clothes” makeover too – one minute I was too conservative, the next according to him I looked slutty. So guess what? I dressed to please myself. Never got any complaints from anyone else! Still another did not understand that I was not interested in pledging! He was a real social-climber & wannabe high society. That was not important to me. Lots of my family pledged but I just never cared about it, but I didn’t begrudge anyone else and still don’t. He had a hard time with my disinterest in it. All these things seem minor and are not necessarily by themselves deal breakers, but they contribute.

mqew

March 30th, 2009
10:54 am

Morning -

My SO inspires me to become a better person just by being around him. And I like to think I have. He knows he got what he got when he got me…. flaws and all. I know he would like for me to change which means giving up a couple vices I have, but its not his mission in life to change me. Actually, I think he used to try, but he got over it.

AmazonRed - loving life

March 30th, 2009
10:58 am

Melo you and ARed need to combine your blog talents and exempt status to teach us all how to avoid Big Brother

Dreams, I believe it’s simple. Neither of us use those big words like the rest of you bloggers do. And melo downright talks in code. I think the blog wizard is all confused about what to do with him. :lol:

kimmie

March 30th, 2009
11:01 am

Mqew – Yes, there is a difference between “inspiring” versus trying to do an Extreme Makeover. Nobody appreciates being made to feel that they are not “good enough”, but I’d like to think we all love to be inspired. My SO also inspires me just being in his presence. He has this effect on others as well, without putting them down. This is one of the things that makes him special.

mqew

March 30th, 2009
11:02 am

Actually, I have a new friend that that thinks I need to change. He kinna gets offended if I’m talkin bout peeps. But this is Atlanta, people can be abso freakin lutely HI LAR I OUS. So sometimes I make it my duty to crack. Some of these people ask for it to me….with the crap some chicks wear, in the summer…. It’s priceless! He thinks i’m trying to tear peeps down to make me look good, but it’s not that. I just got jokes. I told him when I got preggers I prayed errday cause I knew I talked about peeps all the time and I didn’t want payback.

Raqi

March 30th, 2009
11:05 am

Mqew I strongly believe that my marido and I both enhance each other, making each other better overall. It’s what we bring into the relationship. He brings his better, I bring my better and we both feed from the other’s better.

Like Kimmie said, the same way being around certain types of people can bring you down and break your spirit, being around certain positive traits of other people can add to your already existing fabulousness. Every one can use some work and a bit of tweeking.

Kym-Had a great weekend!!

March 30th, 2009
11:06 am

Good Morning All,

Change is going to happen. Some change is healthy, some not so healthy. I think compromise is key in any relationship so because a partner points out your road rage, or offers advice on how to improve your world, doesn’t mean they are trying to change who you are, just offering suggestions.