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Ultimatums are Ultimate Disasters

I’m no relationship expert but I have made a disaster out of enough relationships to know a little about what not to do. I feel pretty qualified to say this: never, ever, EVER give a guy an ultimatum. It’s the quickest way to torpedo your future with him – unless, of course that’s your cowardly way of ending things.

I have seen/heard just about every dating/relationship ultimatum you could name: Commitment phobe ultimatum  (Marry me or I will split), the Porn Ultimatum (Don’t even think of touching me until your stash is gone), even the Pet Ultimatum! She actually wanted him to choose her over “man’s best friend”.

Ultimatums are like emotional traps set to back a person into a corner. You are unfairly forcing them to make a decision. No good can come from it. When it backfires, you try to be the victim when you are actually the opposite. At least that has been my experience.

Have ultimatums ever worked for you? Why do women seem to try this approach so much?

Guys, have you ever had a woman give you an ultimatum? How did you respond? Have you said to a woman  “do this or else” before?

Ladies, have you ever been given an ultimatum? What was it and what did you do?

I think they can be avoided. It just takes a little bit of negotiating skills, a pinch of patience, and most of all compromise. What are other ways that you think ultimatum disasters can be avoided?

368 comments Add your comment

SlimOne

March 25th, 2009
8:06 am

Morning,

So far as I can recall, I don’t think i’ve ever been given an ultimatum…however, what is so bad about stating your standards/expectations to someone you’ve been dealing with and saying if they aren’t able to accommodate it then you have to move on?

Dan

March 25th, 2009
8:12 am

Ultimatums only work if a person has the courage to back them up. Quite often calling someone’s bluff gets you to their character.

As I’m a Buddhist whatever-may-come kinda guy, they don’t really work on me cause hey, tomorrow should come anyway….

BLOW ME a.k.a Most hated on...well not so BEAUTIFUL has taken the cake lol

March 25th, 2009
8:26 am

GOOD MORNING

Ultimatums work if you are willing to stand 10 toes down and be able to BACK up the outcome no matter if it’s not in your favor. You have to be able to stand the loses. Don’t give a ultimatum without being able to walk away from the relationship if your partner does not choose to oblige.

Alot of women do this to use leverage to get what they want..but you have to be able to fall flat on your face if this thing does not go as YOU plan.

I think this is almost common sense…lol!

BLOW ME a.k.a Most hated on...well not so BEAUTIFUL has taken the cake lol

March 25th, 2009
8:30 am

**DAN** lol…We said the same thing! Alot of men don’t listen because alot of women use this as a SCARE tactic…This move is so played out and so inmature….

Raqi

March 25th, 2009
8:39 am

I have to disagree with you. You have a right to want what you want. I woman that has been dating a man for some time has all the right in the world to state to him either they marry or go their separate ways. Why should she be forced to continue to live a life that is not fulfilling to her desires? If she sees that the relationship is not moving in the direction that she wants, she or he for that matter should state it. You know there are woman out there that are dodging the commitment/marriage bullet also.

I believe in compromise. Heck I live it every day, put what’s important is important. And what you want in a relationship and from a mate, you want. Yes it does sometimes means not having that person. But guess what, if that person is not providing what you need in the relationship it obviously is not the one for you. So you really aren’t losing anything, just making room for the person that can provide what you desire.

You what my brother said the other day? He said it is not that a guy is not wanting something more, some less temporary, they sometimes just need a little nudge to move forward.

He told me that I may not realize it but Mason took his cue from me. He says I put it out there and Mase reacted. LOL That’s interesting because I don’t see it that. Nor do I even recall what I said or did that “prompted” the proposal. But my bro declares to know more about my proposal than I do. He had already given his approval he says. LOL

But yeah, I say don’t accept less than what you want. Just be prepared to maybe not get it from the one you are presently with. However don’t just go around making demands based on nothing. And don’t be a manipulator, be honest. Honest with the person, yourself and about what you really want.

But you know I do agree that an ultimatum can be a escape tactic for some.

SlimOne

March 25th, 2009
8:46 am

Well you both summed that up in 2 posts…LOL! Do I sense a topic change already?

Dan

March 25th, 2009
8:49 am

@Slim aka the banana molester

Stating your desires and dreams is not in and of itself an ulitimatum. Being with someone that knows this information and has chosen not to act, and then deciding to set your time frame for them to change their minds is.

In that case you’ve followed the program to this point and now want to change course.

There’s a subtle, but pointed difference

Raqi

March 25th, 2009
8:50 am

That should have read “A” woman that has been…

But I guess you all knew that. LOL

i'm swiss

March 25th, 2009
8:51 am

Pretty much all of the ultimatums you described boil down to: choose ME or choose [fill in the blank]. Now, this is not necessarily an unreasonable choice to ask your SO to make; but you just better be prepared for the fact that it is, ultimately, your SO’s choice, and they just might not choose you. As long as you’re prepared to accept that, then hey, lay it out there.

Raqi

March 25th, 2009
8:52 am

LOL Lord the typos and missing words. I need to proofread before hitting the submit button more often.

Kym

March 25th, 2009
9:00 am

Good Morning All,

I am not a ultimatum type of person..I am more confrontational..let’s straighten it out. If it is not going to work it is not going to work. Let me push the heck on.

DreamsMaterialize

March 25th, 2009
9:08 am

Morning
Slim
You’re right it’s pretty much been summed up. State your point, stand your ground, and accept the result, whatever it may be. An ultimatum is only bad if you’re trying to call someone’s bluff. Usually, the person who cares the least has the most leverage.

Sugar

March 25th, 2009
9:15 am

Some women are NEVER happy. They thrive on drama.

Just go with the flow and be happy whereever you are. Try to find happiness, and remember it must come from within. NO ONE is responsible for your happiness but YOU. You cannot expect anyone to make you happy.

Kym

March 25th, 2009
9:15 am

You know I am trying to get my son to understand a concept that I am still grappling with. You have to teach people how to treat you. Even in relationships you have to teach people how to treat you. If you have set a clear expectation of your partner, and they are aware of this expectation(not some secret test of loyalty and love) but a clear and obtainable expectation. If that partner falls short of that expectation and is aware then you have no reason to pass out ultimatums you simple state I can’t deal and move on.

Sugar

March 25th, 2009
9:15 am

When you do issue that ultimatun, be prepared for the consequences.

Leggs

March 25th, 2009
9:25 am

Good morning. I have always been amazed at the ultimatums some women give men in “demanding” they propose. More often than not, the relationship dies. Like in Raqi’s case, she simply stated what her goals were within the next 2 years. Hit or miss, she was willing to stand by her belief. That’s not an ultimatum. Trapping men w/unexpected pregnancies in the hopes that he’ll marry you, or simply forcing a man to marry you is at its core RIDICULOUS!

I fell out the bed last night!

SlimOne

March 25th, 2009
9:31 am

Dan

I’m not feeling the banana molester nickname. I just bought some yesterday and I’m definitely going to feel bad every time I peel one slowly exposing the ripe and firm phallic insides…as I quench my hunger gently biting off the tip, and slowly devouring eat bite thereafter until I approach the base…sadly fulfilled as I toss the remains aside and enjoy the on sought of the ‘ITIS’.

AmazonRed

March 25th, 2009
9:39 am

Morning all.

I’m not into ultimatums. My intentions are known. You won’t have to guess what I want out of a relationship. If I want the altar and you don’t, I don’t have to give you a choice. If I’m seeing we want different things, I’m out. I don’t need to tell you to “marry me or else.”

Ultimatums are an exercise in desperation. I’d rather just walk away. The answer is already clear.

Sassy Me.... I'm All In

March 25th, 2009
9:39 am

Mornting blog fam :)

I don’t give ultimatums b/c I wouldn’t want anyone to give me one(man or woman). Yes it’s good to ask for what you want BUT I think there is a way it which to go about it. Ultimatums may work in some situations if the one giving it stays true to his/her words,however, they can also be silly and unreasonable…it may work for some and not others. I think it’s dependent upon the people,the situation and circumstances involved.

Poppa Grande

March 25th, 2009
9:42 am

Raqi

He told me that I may not realize it but Mason took his cue from me. He says I put it out there and Mase reacted.

I actually agree in part with that statement. You had to put what you wanted out there in some way.

Mase had to want it, too.

My then girlfriend (now wife) gave me a two year deadline upfront of what she wanted. If I hadn’t at least proposed within 2 years, then we would go our separate ways. I was at a point where I was ready to settle down.

For me, the issue isn’t what is said, it is how it is said.

I also agree with the ability to back it up.

BLOW ME

March 25th, 2009
9:42 am

Ared **Ultimatums are an exercise in desperation. I’d rather just walk away. The answer is already clear**

Cosign…so true! You already know what it is..

TOPIC change please. lol

THE MELO

March 25th, 2009
9:43 am

just better be prepared for the fact that it is, ultimately, your SO’s choice, and they just might not choose you. As long as you’re prepared to accept that, then hey, lay it out there

Good morning gang..Swiss,that was well put.
Remember ladies,ultimatums are about control and guys want to be in control.I am talking about strong dudes here,not lames.U give a strong dude an ultimatum,2 things are gonna happen:if he wants u already,he will follow thru,at his own time.If he was wavering or just whiling up time,then the ultimatum is a kiss of death,hes proly gone.
No sane dude will accede to ultimatums becoz once u do,that defines your long term relationship.The woman will be easily dogging u for this and that and u will be at her beck and call.
No stand up dude will do that!!
Establishing and voicing what ur long term desires are to him is different to an ultimatum.That is communication.Communication is key coz without it, you may be stringing a guy along and yet he has no long term plans with you.
But mouthing ultimatums and your desires incessantly can also be a turn off.I deliberately switched my mental ear piece off when the Queen did that to me untill I was ready at my own time and choosing.
And I dont do ultimatums now either.
I like to be in control.

East Point's Own

March 25th, 2009
10:00 am

Dan Ultimatums only work if the person giving it truely does have the upper hand in the situation and both parties know it. If your worth to the other person is not as high as you think it is… you will end up looking like a fool no matter if you are willing to back it up with actions or not…

Like AmazonRed said the answer is already there, if you don’t like the answer leave…

Raqi & I’m Swiss Yes we all have a right to get what we want out of life but Ultimatums don’t get you what you truly want. If you want something and the person is not giving it to you you should talk about your desires… if nothings happens then you need to leave. If you give an ultimatum you are in essence forcing someone to do something they are not ready to do yet… and if they are not ready your future will not be pleasant if you force them to do something anyway.

Dan

March 25th, 2009
10:02 am

@EPO

If the person issuing the ultimatum had the “hand” why would they need to issue it?

From that perspective, it’s a power grab not a show of power.

kimmie

March 25th, 2009
10:04 am

Morning Blog!

I hate “ultimatums”, but sometimes they are necessary. Bert from the Bert Show/Q100 said he & now wife had been dating a few years. He said she basically told him that she was ready for marriage & that she could accept it if he didn’t, but she had to move on if not. He said she was not confrontational or demanding and she didn’t give him a set deadline. He said he would have been fine with sticking to the status quo and dating indefinitely, but needed that “club over the head” to act. He knew he wanted to marry her, so there was no issue.

Yes, I totally agree that you have to be able to back up what you say, whether you “present” it as an ultimatum or just put out in the beginning what you want. For example, if you tell someone up front that you want to eventually get married and have a family – if after a point you don’t see your relationship moving in that direction or you ask the person how they see things going, and it’s not in line with what you want, move on. Everyone’s timeline is not the same too, so while you’re getting to know the person get an idea of that. They might feel they need to date 3 years before getting engaged, you might feel 1 is enough. Make sure you’re on the same page with that.

I’ve never given an ultimatum, but not making what I wanted clear up front was my main problem in the past. I thought I would scare the guy away, when I should have realized I never had him to begin with. I stayed in some situations hoping it would change much longer than I should have. Finally I would get exasperated and blurt out what I wanted and was expecting. If I had put it out there early I would have gotten my answer and not wasted my time. Nobody can read minds. I’ve tried to tell another friend of mine this and she’s finally getting it. If just mentioning that you want a committed relationship and a family in the future and you are thru playing scares a guy off – well you have your answer – move on. No harm – everyone has a right to what they want and you’re that closer to yours!

Raqi

March 25th, 2009
10:04 am

Poppa I agree he had to want it to. I think that is what my brother meant when he said some men just need a little nudge or are looking for that green light to move forward.

LOL My brother will not tell me everything. But he says it came up in a conversation they had while at my birthday party. Which was 6 months before he popped the question.

But the funny thing is, I hear what my brother is saying, but I don’t recall ever talking marriage. Yeah we talked about longterm and future plans, who said anything about marriage. LOL j/k

And yeah I agree with how it’s said. Don’t make demands, just state your desires and needs.

AmazonRed

March 25th, 2009
10:06 am

As I mentioned before…I have two friends who gave relationship ultimatums. One woman had dated her man for 10 years with no ring. She gave him a deadline to propose by December 31. He proposed on the very last day. :lol: They are married now and very happy (he had been pining for his “soul mate” who had married someone else)

In another instance, my friend gave him a deadline of Christmas. Christmas came and went and he didn’t even acknowledge the ultimatum. She stayed with him too. So instead she ended up “accidently” getting pregnant in response. Which is funny, because she used to preach how she was celibate in her relationship. :|

Wise Diva

March 25th, 2009
10:06 am

Good morning!
SlimOne, I’m gonna PANCH you. 10 am topic change? blasphemous! LOL J/K.

SlimOne

March 25th, 2009
10:10 am

@Wise Diva

You wouldn’t PANCH lil ole me would ya? ;-)

I would like to Pay it forward and donate my PANCH to BLow Me :twisted:

East Point's Own

March 25th, 2009
10:11 am

Dan Well basically I mean that often a person feels that they have the upper hand in the relationship but they really don’t. If you think the other person can’t live without you or you think they are head over heels in love with you, and you give an ultimatum… you had better be right, or you will look like a fool when they tell you to get to steppin’

Wise Diva

March 25th, 2009
10:11 am

Kimmie, I was thinking about Bert & Stacy too, the way he explained it made it seem like she gave him the jolt he needed

Raqi

March 25th, 2009
10:12 am

Now this I will say, I think ultimatums are necessary when a person keeps stringing you along. Let’s say a man states he wants to marry a woman, but he will not commit to a date. She should offer an ultimatum after a certain time frame. Heck he could have just said he wanted to marry her to keep her, but he is okay with just keeping her and not really wanting to commit to what she wants as a commitment.

It happens all time. People get engaged because they feel pressured but put off getting to the point.

Another area you hear of ultimatums being passed out is in the “deeds” department. If you don’t do this, I will get someone else that will. Well if the person is not into doing “that” then you do need to be with someone else. That person is obviously not the one for you if your coming and/or going is center around that that you want done.

AmazonRed

March 25th, 2009
10:15 am

Now this I will say, I think ultimatums are necessary when a person keeps stringing you along. Let’s say a man states he wants to marry a woman, but he will not commit to a date. She should offer an ultimatum after a certain time frame.

Raqi, I say forget the ultimatum and simply dump him. It’s clear he’s not interested in setting a date, so why coerce him?

Raqi

March 25th, 2009
10:18 am

Communication is the key. When in a relationship you have to talk about what it is you want. I recorded the Oprah where Steve Harvey was talking about his book. And one of the parts that I have seen so far I wholeheartedly agree with. He says when a man is with a woman he is either playing with her or planning with her. A man that is planning with a woman will not be scared off by her stating her wants for the relationship. He will try to meet them. If they are reasonable. I have to add that part because we can be unreasonable with our requirements.

But I really agree with Mr. S. Harvey on that point.

kimmie

March 25th, 2009
10:24 am

Amred – I’m kinda with your train of thought too. My biggest fear is being with someone that does not really want to be with me. That he’s with me out of some kind of “obligation”? “Well, she’s a nice lady and I have been dating her for 5 years and we aren’t getting any younger, so I guess I’ll go on and marry her but she really doesn’t do it for me”. I don’t want anyone laying next to me out of guilt, resentful & regretful. That example you gave of the guy that was with your friend for 10 years, pinning away for another – that COULD NOT BE ME!!!

Raqi

March 25th, 2009
10:24 am

EastPoint I don’t see it as forcing anyone to do something. You have a right to want what you want. And you have right to tell the person that if the two of you are going to be together this is how it needs to be. The person has the same right to say no and take the “or else”.

How can one say they will not be forced to do something they don’t want to, but they are in another way forcing the other to do what they don’t want.

SexyCool

March 25th, 2009
10:25 am

Seems as if most are on the same page with the ultimatums. I will add that the times that I have found myself in situations where ultimatums should have been given I was pre-empted by his announcement that he didn’t respond to ultimatums. (Which should have clued me that HE knew that he was on some bullcaca and that the ultimatum was necessary. – I got Jedi mind tricked.)

Oh well to that. Instead of an ultimatum, I issued an order – GET OUT!!!

Three Words Daily – Conceive. Believe. Achieve.

THE MELO

March 25th, 2009
10:26 am

Raqi, I say forget the ultimatum and simply dump him
women who give ultimatums are oftern times,the drama queens whose egos are waaaaay too Big.And if the ultimatum gets spurned,all hell will break loose too:tyre slashing,fluaaaak yaals,fighting etc.If u feel u need to give an ultimatum,may be u need to just move on along……some u seeeing thats wrong,per you,but u dont wanna just acknowledge it!

Dan

March 25th, 2009
10:27 am

I don’t buy anything Steve Harvey is saying on a relationship. AT ALL.

M'Karyl

March 25th, 2009
10:27 am

IMO, any adult grounded in the maturity and wisdom of free will will not take kindly to ultimatums…that is foolishness at best…no one, NO ONE, wants to be told like a subordinate functioning individual what to do…now, if a person wishes to establish boundaries, parameters or other measures that indicate how much time or effort he or she is willing to give something before that limit is reached…fine, but not as an ultimatum…but rather as a marker of a decision making indicator…and this will allow each person do individually decide how the situation either melds into a harmonious effort or it does not…and then, in actuality the decision is made in and of itself.

Wise Diva

March 25th, 2009
10:28 am

Dan, I read what someone wrote about him the other day..”you cheated on your wife and married the mistress, write a book about that”…LOL!! ouch

AmazonRed

March 25th, 2009
10:29 am

I agree with Steve Harvey’s book. Which is also why I don’t think ultimatums serve any point. What women gets engaged and never brings up wedding dates? I’d venture to say none. I think her intentions and standards and requirements are clear. So any guy who is holding off on setting a date, probably is just not that into her.

I, personally, have simplified dating in 2009. I’m not going to force or give pressure in any relationship. My intentions are clear and if you’re confused, slow, lazy or indifferent, I’m simply moving on.

For instance, a guy asked to call me recently. I gave him my number and he sent me a text. I’ve ignored his repeated texts and emails since. HE asked to call me, and he’s never called. And I’m no longer giving remedial dating lessons to grown azz men. :lol:

BLOW ME

March 25th, 2009
10:29 am

**ARED** cosign 10: 15Exactly…Come on! You know what it is….what’s the point of convincing and MAKING someone believe in you **RAQI**!?!? You are damn never beggging and cheerleading yourself to someone…If they don’t believe or see it then YOU need to walk. You can not control no one in a relationship just YOURSELF!!!

Dan

March 25th, 2009
10:30 am

And see WD I wasn’t putting the dude in the street but, um, yeah he been foul for some years.

kimmie

March 25th, 2009
10:30 am

Raqi – I cosign your 10:24. I think the biggest thing some ladies need to understand is that they are not wrong for wanting what they want(within reason,lol) and it’s nothing wrong with pursueing that.

Wise Diva

March 25th, 2009
10:32 am

I would be concerned about resentment later on down the line, as if relationships aren’t already hard enough to maintain. Dude would be salty about being strong armed into commitment…oh and my ego is too out of control to do ultimatums, that’s actually the real reason I don’t do them now. LOL

SexyCool

March 25th, 2009
10:33 am

ARed – I, personally, have simplified dating in 2009. I’m not going to force or give pressure in any relationship. My intentions are clear and if you’re confused, slow, lazy or indifferent, I’m simply moving on.

COSIGN!!!

Wise Diva

March 25th, 2009
10:33 am

Dan, well, I had no idea of the timeline of his new wife, but it did seem rather soon after he got a divorced that he was engaged – don’t truly care really. I think his book is the new “he’s just not that into you” with some flava for ya ear mixed in, LOL

Raqi

March 25th, 2009
10:35 am

Amazon it is not coercing, it is holding a person to their word. If the put it out there you have a right to call them on it.

And as far S.Harvey’s book Mase says there is some overkill in some of what he has heard about it. Some of it is BS, he says. But I think the parts about what men want and how they act toward a woman they are really into is pretty enlightening. So far.

BLOW ME

March 25th, 2009
10:35 am

ARED I, personally, have simplified dating in 2009. I’m not going to force or give pressure in any relationship. My intentions are clear and if you’re confused, slow, lazy or indifferent, I’m simply moving on.

GIRL give me some I am not going to do anything extra…I was just having this convo last night. If you feel like you are doing to much or pushing for this….and it’s more of a struggle….PULL back. It should be fun not a mental drain.

Now the texting thing….I just went through that situation…ON the first initial contact..I think it should be a phone call. Not texting. But yeah that’s kind of strange if he NEVER calls. I link that to a communication issue. Really…I text but I would rather not hold my conversation STRICTLY through a bunch of font. lol