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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

In Treatment

I am excited that HBO’s In Treatment is returning for another season soon! I am always intrigued with shows that explore relationships and intimacy in a unique way. I also wonder what would happen if I found out that someone I was dating was seeing a therapist. Would it be a turn off?

I remember once meeting a guy who had a “life coach” and thought it was surprising that he actually told me about it. When I mentioned to my father that the guy had a life coach, he told me to stay away from the guy. Then he proceeded to make fun of the fact that men today needed help to deal with life. Which then launched him into those “when I was growing up” stories, but I digress.  The point is, my father is old school and he doesn’t believe that men should be “in treatment”. What are your thoughts?

Would it bother you if someone you dated had a therapist?

If you are in treatment, do you disclose this to someone you are dating? If so, when and how do you bring it up?

233 comments Add your comment

NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!

March 24th, 2009
8:51 am

Good Morning All :)
LMAO!! I am NOT messing with anyone who has emotional problems! Whether they have been treated for it or not.. If it isn’t physical therapy, I ain’t messing with them AT ALL!! Being friends with a person that is depressed is not cool either..

kevmoor2005

March 24th, 2009
8:59 am

I would never ever date a chick that is *IN* was *IN* or needs to be *IN* treatment.Naw that’s okay.

DreamsMaterialize

March 24th, 2009
9:00 am

Morning
Just because they’re not treatment doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be. At least someone in treatment has admitted they need some help and are willing to work on themselves. Unlike lots of people who go through their life on a daily basis thinking they’re just fine when they’re reall worse than the people in treatment.

DreamsMaterialize

March 24th, 2009
9:02 am

kevmoor
I would never ever date a chick that is *IN* was *IN* or needs to be *IN* treatment.Naw that’s okay.
Guess you should completely rule out chicks that go to church then ’cause that’s all church is…TREATMENT. lol

East Point's Own

March 24th, 2009
9:07 am

Most folks could use a lil treatment… But if we all got it there would be nothing to blog about here…

mqew

March 24th, 2009
9:08 am

Good Morning,

To be honest Bella, ummmmm I don’t think a lot of Black men do the treatment thing. Not saying they don’t need it, just saying I think it’s almost a ‘taboo’ thing for them…

Never met a black man that was in treatment. However, I’ve met some that DEFINITELY should have been… Refused engagement to a guy that needed treatment, too many family issues. That was 16 years ago. Till this day he still needs treatment…

M'Karyl

March 24th, 2009
9:14 am

Therapy seems to have this connotation that a person is not emotionally stable and is incapable of dealing with the issues of day to day life…this is not always the case…quite often therapy helps ppl to put a better perspective on issues that may need a more clearly defined focus and articulation…and if a person is utilizing such a method to improve self-awareness in a progressive sense then that is an okay venue…sometimes, it is the objective listening ear that lends itself to a more worthy interpretation of what we are saying.

There are also the ppl for whom such a situation is just another crutch to lean on and in the end it does not do them any good anyhoo…and that is not okay…no matter what venue these individuals utilize or pursue…it is just another codependent crutch to excuse holding self accountable for personal growth, development and maturity…now, those are the ones who hit the list.

NYCUTIE- I Just State The FACTS!!

March 24th, 2009
9:22 am

Family issues ARE NO JOKE!!! Some people have deep seeded issues that they should not go through life carrying..

mqew

March 24th, 2009
9:24 am

NYC – Yes indeed! Dude is still carrying it around, heavily. He has a fam now as well. I do think he’ll be a good dad. Like MK said, he’s emotionally stable. He’s just carrying trunks load around.

M'Karyl

March 24th, 2009
9:31 am

IMO, it is a sad situation when ppl allow fam to be the emotional bane and burden throughout their lives…I have refused…in fact, some ppl see me as cold-hearted because of the views I have toward my fam…but hey-ale, if my emotional well-being and best interest is not of a concern to them and the behaviors they have towards me are indicative of this…then they have received the emotional boot…so be it…other than communicating on the phone with my folx, my life is 100% free of any family interaction…by choice…and for me, that is a right fine choice…my best is to treat them with the same civil nondisrespect I give all ppl…and move on.

Kym

March 24th, 2009
9:37 am

Good Morning All

No I see nothing wrong with a person recieving therapy and as MK pointed out the fact that a person is seeking therapy has nothing to do with emotional problems. Families go to therapy because it provides mediation. Some men and women do therapy after divorce. I have no problem saying that after my mother passed, my son’s father died I went to therapy to deal with the grief. Part of knowing yourself is knowing what you can and can not handle as a individual. Now as for sharing that information off the rip with a date..no that is not their business or concern. However, if I see a person I am dating is hurting or in need I would have no problem sharing my experiences with them and recommending they get the help they need to move forward.

“Live your life like Water.”

mqew

March 24th, 2009
9:38 am

MK – I understand your refusal, TOTALLY! He’s tried to get to that point by cutting it off… but it was his mother (as well as others in his immediate fam) but cutting off mom dukes… Well I could never imagine my mother putting me in that position.

Deeva4Life

March 24th, 2009
9:39 am

Good Morning! If a guy told me he’d been to a therapist, it wouldn’t change my view of him. As a matter of fact, I’d find the positive in the fact he sought help. I think too many men (people) walk around like they have it under control when they don’t and I definitely feel its an old school mentality passed down. We all (men included) have down moments and I don’t see anything wrong in trying options to better yourself…even if that means therapy. Yes, men are supposed to be strong but that doesn’t mean men are able to carry EVERYTHING on their shoulders…that gets heavy. It doesn’t mean he’s weak…it just means he’s human.

Dreams, I so agree with your 9:00 and 9:02 post.

SexyCool

March 24th, 2009
9:46 am

As one who is currently beginning to obtain my life coaching certification, I take life coaching quite seriously and view it differently than therapy. In fact, I have dated someone who worked with a life coach several years ago and today, he is one of the most focused, successful men that I know.

In my opinion, therapy is to benefit someone who is working through mental issues. Life coaches guide people through goal setting exercises, work with them to maintain motivation and assist them in measuring progress and determining where adjustments are needed.

I would not pass judgement if someone were seeing a therapist. It is evidence of their desire to take control of their issues. I would applaud anyone working with a life coach. It is proof positive that they are super serious about their desire to be successful in their life’s endeavors.

Three Words Daily – Diligence IS Rewarded.

AmazonRed - kissed by the sun

March 24th, 2009
9:51 am

Morning lovelies. :)

mqew, Bella is not a moderator anymore and WiseDiva wrote this topic. :lol:

On-topic: No, I probably wouldn’t date someone in treatment. I understand that some folks have had a hard life, but up into this point, I haven’t, so I couldn’t relate or understand.

Now, therapy is a different thing. I know several black men and women who have gone thru therapy. Especially since most jobs will give you 8 weeks for free. Most people I know are reeling from things like death of a love one or a demise of a marriage. I can respect anyone who can recognize that they need help from a 3rd party.

mqew

March 24th, 2009
9:59 am

Thanks ARED! Obviously, not paying attention, and had no idea Bella isn’t around anymore. SO, You have a tan hunh? I love tan’s :-) Must be nice!

AmazonRed - kissed by the sun

March 24th, 2009
10:02 am

mqew, no problem girlfriend! Yeah, Bella’s replacement is Blanca. Yeah, the names are alike.

From re-reading the topic, I guess “treatment” and “therapy” are the same thing. I was thinking treatment was more like rehab and that you get some good drugs. :lol:

Cougar Hunter ( 45 and older)

March 24th, 2009
10:04 am

Good Morning fine women and men of the blog world!

I would not be opposed to dating someone who is in treatment, it shows that person a ready to admit their problems.issues and start dealing with them!

I would imagine we can all use a little therapy at sometime in our life to deal with issues/relationships that we do not understand why we feel a certain or why we reacted a certain way!

Dreams: You are right on point!

Mk: I sense wisdom has found you! :smile:

Kym

March 24th, 2009
10:04 am

@Sexy with all due respect but IMO I look at life coaching as a scam. What qualifies someone to actually coach another through life? What is actually the measure of a successful life? I really don’t think it success in life can be measured so the idea that a person needs a life coach to help someone stay motivated through life is a bit wacked. Not a snap at you or other life coaches but some how I don’t get the concept. Self-help is a huge industry but the keyword there is self. We are all ultimately responsible for our own well-being.

mytw♥cents

March 24th, 2009
10:06 am

I sat on the couch after my mother passed away. Best. Thing. Ever! I was like,”Dammit, I should’ve been doing this.” When you ARE the rock and the one that absorbs everyone’s else’s BS, in addition to what you’ve gotta deal with… so easy to carry stuff around. I’d rather deal with someone actively working on himself than one who refuses to acknowledge there’s work to be done.

The sentiments above are why there are so many articles tryna convince Blacks therapy shouldn’t be taboo. I know a couple of others who go like they’re hittin’ the nail salon. Then there are folks on here who could work through some lingering issues and have been pointed in that direction. But as opposed to SexyCOOL’s 3 Words of yesterday, not many of us choose to Be Consistently Consistent. (Luvin those, BTW.)

i'm swiss

March 24th, 2009
10:12 am

I have to admit, I would have to be in a pretty sad state to ever seek “treatment” — I’d have a hard time getting past the stigma. Though, I honestly don’t think I’d ever need to.

Several years ago, I had several traumatic events piled on me all at once — the slow, painful death of my mom, who was the primary care-taker for my father (who has never fully recovered from a massive stroke) and my mentally disabled sister; my dad breaking his hip & then undergoing 4 different surgeries to try to repair it; and my ex going lesbo & leaving — all within about 4 months. I was so stressed I actually got shingles. But I still never even considered seeking any sort of treatment — well, except from Dr. Jack Daniels, that is. Thing is, only 1 or 2 of my closest friends even knew about any of it, so apparently I was able to at least give the appearance of normality. And before long, everything was fine.

Long story short, if that didn’t drive me to therapy, I’m not sure what would…

kimmie

March 24th, 2009
10:14 am

Morning Blog!

Mytwo – After my beloved godmother, mother & youngest brother all passed within a 2 year span, I sat on the couch too! I, like you, was the ROCK of the family – still am in a way. I was sorta walking around in a trance. Talking to someone really helped!

One of my best friends regularly sees a therapist. Her dad was not only alcoholic, but physically & sexually abusive to her & her sisters. She is beautiful and has a successful career & wonderful husband & daughter. She had an absolutely horrible childhood. I met her in college and she would come home with me some weekends & holidays. It was the closest she had ever been to a functional loving family. I think that & the therapy have saved her life.

Leggs

March 24th, 2009
10:14 am

Good morning. DreamsM, I definitely agree w/your assessment on church and treatment. That’s exactly what it is. Just like that song “Last Night A Deejay Saved My Life” :lol: treatment can come in many forms :lol: Ok, back to reality….a person seeking treatment isn’t looked down upon in my book. As many has stated, a lot more should recognize when they need a little help. I’ve never dated anyone who was in “treatment.”

SexyCool

March 24th, 2009
10:15 am

Well, Kim, you are actually quite correct in most of your opinion. I’m certain you will understand why I don’t disagree with the scam part of it.

I totally agree that the definition of success should be quite personal. I certainly do not subscribe to forcing anyone to bend to society’s definition of success. You are also quite correct in that SELF is the biggest component in coaching.

I cannot make a person be committed and remain motivated about making changes in their lives. However, I can introduce them to ideas, techniques and tips that they can take advantage of to keep themselves on track. I can encourage a person to remain positive and focused by limiting negative self talk and remaining diligent.

In ways, I liken coaching to your spiritual relationship with your Creator (which ever religion or affiliation that might be). If you do not take action to stay connected to your source, you will eventually become disconnected. If you do not take action to stay connected to your dream, eventually your dream will die.

As a life coach, my mission is to help you stay connected to living your dream and meeting your goals.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 24th, 2009
10:17 am

Morning All!

Agreeing w Kym, MK & Dreams on this one. After my divorce I went to therapy and it was the best decision I ever made. The toll that the stress of the divorce was taking on me was proof that I needed help (hair falling out, weight loss, couldnt sleep thru the night). And while I had a great support system in family & friends, I needed a totally outside perspective.

SexyCool

March 24th, 2009
10:18 am

I should have said why I dont AGREE with the SCAM part.

M'Karyl

March 24th, 2009
10:20 am

ppl are built dfiferently…so what some can accommodate and continue moving forward with and not seemed burdened by…others can not…it is all so relative who is better equipped to handle emotional and psychological issues and who is not…or how they handle them…so ppl take for granted that the supportive and nuturing measures that are often received in our developmental years are a given for everyone else…and this is not true.

And yes, treatment and therapy do seem to convey different things: one an method of dealing with a substance abuse problem and the other a method for creating focus and clarity on issues dealing with emotional and psychological well being, which does not necessarily mean an abuse issue.

And there does seem to be a stigma that is still so very prevalent in the AA community about seeking help and support in the form of therapy…it seems that we are still prone to embrace tactic codependent behaviors and attitudes as norms rather than as not…JMHO

Leggs

March 24th, 2009
10:21 am

WOW, that was a lot to endure i’m swiss in such a short time. Goodness gracious that was a lot. Glad you got through it and remained sane. Well, since I haven’t met you, I’ll take back the “sane” part. Seriously, you came out on the other side of thru!

kimmie

March 24th, 2009
10:25 am

Oh, to the question, I have never knowingly dated anyone in treatment or therapy, but 2 I think should. One was abused by an uncle and the other is an alcoholic, but won’t admit it.

Wise Diva

March 24th, 2009
10:25 am

Good morning! I’ve been too quiet, apologies. Stuck in meeting hell this month. blech! I’m still around though :)

Rell - kissed by ARED

March 24th, 2009
10:28 am

@MO…i feel you….my drinking as increased….it keeps me calm and mello….somedays i could rip out about 5 folks adams apples just for breathing……lol

AmazonRed - kissed by the sun

March 24th, 2009
10:30 am

LMAO @ Rell. You are crazy! :lol:

kimmie

March 24th, 2009
10:31 am

somedays i could rip out about 5 folks adams apples just for breathing

Hillarious Rell!

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 24th, 2009
10:31 am

Rell – LOL! Shopping was my vice of choice and I have never been a shopper ‘just cause’. When I broke out in hives for the second time (and I have no allergies) I knew I had to do something. But dont let your drinking go overboard man…. :0)

Kym

March 24th, 2009
10:32 am

This topic brought to mind a book and a session I attended last summer at the bookclub conference(I swear I should be in marketing some days) anywhoo. The book is called “Black Pain..It just looks like we are not hurting.written by Terrie Williams. The veil of ignorance attached to therapy, depression, mental illiness in the black community really needs to be lifted. Because we are losing young people daily because the idea of getting help is taboo. I think about the young music guy last year who committed suicide. Heck this morning a man was found hanging from the overpass on 85 apparent suicide and we all hear daily about incidents around the country of families dying because someone just snapped.

Rell - kissed by ARED

March 24th, 2009
10:38 am

@MO…neva that…i know my limit….when i say increased it went from two drinks to more…but no in days…i still only drink one day a week….but this weekend i let it hang out and paid for it…so no mo of that

@ared…yea i know figured i would play with the public today…how was your weekend

@kimmie…to be honest i do have a bit of a mood swing thing going on…it was not until this weekend when chilling that i did a lil test…friday night i was told that i always look mean…from two women unrelated…so i had to be something to that…so saturday i changed it up blocked out my sh it ball and had a great time….so i have to work on my facial expression…hell friday night some dude even said i had anger on me….he did not tell me he told my peoples cause i was eyeing his adams apple if he bucked up….lol..

abc

March 24th, 2009
10:40 am

Having gone through tough times in the past and suspecting that I might be suffering from depression, I tried therapy, along with some other things. It was a wash. Maybe for some people it helps them, but for me, it was all BS. I worked through it on my own.

I participated in Christian counseling, too. I found it equally unsatisfying. I can’t be hypnotized, either. Hmmmm, maybe they all have something in common.

I wouldn’t necessarily disregard someone who was in therapy, getting treatment for emotional or psychological problems. I’d probably take extra care with them, if anything. I’ve dealt with some real crazies, and that’s a different story.

Dan

March 24th, 2009
10:43 am

Taboo’s, shmaboo’s

If you’re to the point that you feel like you need help for a problem that you can’t figure out, solve, or is crippling you in some way, who gives a fugg what other people think – seek help.

Therapists are trained to help you through emotional problems that – by definition- you cannot solve on your own.

Kym, I haven’t even read the book, but based on your description it’s about the pride that [black] people cling to as opposed to dealing with our shortcomings/failure.

It’s sad that someone wouldn’t address their issue for fear of a nebulous social stigma.

And to the point of the post: If the person is in therapy, they should probably wait until they’ve “broken through” their problems to consider dating. Leaving aside people that need lifelong therapy

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

March 24th, 2009
10:44 am

SWISS…wow I had no clue man. I am so sorry! But I am glad you sought therapy. I do believe there is a cultural thing that divides us when the mental state of someone comes up. In the Black community like someone else mentioned it was taboo. Just something we did not do was go to a therapist. For some reason the solution was talk to the Pastor…read the scripture..blah blah blah! But when I was going through my things I wanted to smack the crap out of everyone who came at me with that. I am very spiritual. But Pastors are NOT trained in the mental Psych. Reading Bible stories is not going to ease whatever is wrong. Sometimes its having a person respond to you…a person you can see and hear physically that makes the difference. Heck sometimes it is medication. I found myself getting more angry and aggitated and going into a downward spiral until I finally decided to go to therapy. The final nail in the coffin was 9-11. After that experience on top of what I had been holding in all my life…I was a ticking time bomb. I went for one thing…and all of a sudden I had an unbiased…no Bible thumping person to tell all this stuff to. I didn’t fear that I would hurt somebody’s feeling’s or be looked at as a whiner, complainer, nutcase who had too much drama going on. This person had heard stories way worse than mine so I felt comfortable talking to her. I made sure she was a Black woman so I felt like I was talking to a home girl or a family member. Who may possibly understand when I was coming from. I must say she help me through alot. I no longer hold stuff in. If I am frustrated, angry, upset, etc,….I let it be known. And yeah some folks get mad because I voice my opinion. But I do not care. I unloaded my anger vocally instead of snapping and becoming a news story for doing somethign crazy. I guess it is my anger management. So all this is to say I would not discredit a guy who recognizes he has a problem and is not afraid to seek help instead of letting it boil to a point where he does something crazy. I would more likely discredit the dude who thinks he is above help because he would be the one thinking it is ok to be crazy…just don’t admit it.

AmazonRed - kissed by the sun

March 24th, 2009
10:45 am

Hey Rell, I had a fabulous weekend. Thanks for asking. I was in Miami for the NCAA Basketball tourney but you know I got my party and beach on. One funny thing that happened… T.O. missed his first workout with Buffalo, and I laughed when I heard it cuz he was in the same club I was at on Monday morning. :lol:

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

March 24th, 2009
10:49 am

KYM & CEMEELI…since you guys are raising sons….do you feel it is harder to reach them and having them be open about their feelings? I am trying to figure out if the Black man’s sometimes emotional detachment stems from childhood and if so, why.

Kym

March 24th, 2009
10:49 am

@ Dan two of the young men featured in the book and one has his own book were gang members(can’t remember which gang) but they talked about how growing up in their enviroment caused them to do things to physical hurt themselves. We associated cutting as some little white girl diease. But this young man would actually sit there and cut himself because he was in pain. So regardless of your race, economic background, whateva..pain is pain and you are correct no social stigma should keep you from doing what you need to do to help with that pain.

Wise Diva

March 24th, 2009
10:49 am

WOW, I’m swiss, that’s a lot to cope with! Goodness!

If I were in therapy/treatment, I would probably not tell the guy I dated until I trusted him, especially emotionally.

DreamsMaterialize

March 24th, 2009
10:50 am

Deeva
Much appreciated

Kym
Do you see mentoring as a scam? I could see where a life coach could be a scam, but I can also see where it would be like mentoring.

Swiss
Glad you got through that. A thought though: What if all of that stuff happened to you within 4 months WHEN YOU WERE 8? Minus the lesbo girlfriend of course. lol As adults we’ve developed certain coping mechanisms, but as children we don’t usually know how to process adversity, which is why it follows us into adulthood.

kimmie

March 24th, 2009
10:51 am

Rell – I was told awhile back I look mean when I’m out. Its totally unconscious – usually I am just intent on what it is I’m doing or where I’m going. Several people told me this. I got tired of dudes coming up to me saying SMILE! I make a conscious effort to at least look pleasant, especially when I don’t have on sunglasses! It takes effort though.

Amred – My niece was in Miami all last week, with 9 other girls, for spring break. She had fun, but oh the drama of it all hanging with 9 other females!LOL!!

Staceye AKA Black Mamba

March 24th, 2009
10:55 am

KIMMIE…I am always told that I look mean. :evil: :lol: I don’t know maybe I do it on purpose to be left alone! :lol:

THE MELO

March 24th, 2009
10:57 am

Guess you should completely rule out chicks that go to church then :lol: LMAOFFFF

SexyCool

March 24th, 2009
10:58 am

Dreams – my decision to pursue certification came from the mentoring that I am doing with some of the younger employees on my site and the fact that my purpose in life is to encourage and motivate others.

That’s really all coaching is guidance, encouragement, motivation and teaching techniques and tips.

Raqi

March 24th, 2009
11:01 am

Whether it’s talking to a trusted friend or paying a professional it’s all therapy. We just tend to look at it differently based on how the information is being regurgitated and then dealt with. It’s truly something that we all need. And we all have our own form of therapy if you really think about it.

My concern would come into play if the person had to have medications to manage their emotions. When it gets to that point it means they are at a point of dependency control. That’s a whole other issue in itself.

But as for therapy, professional or casual IMO it is healthy. Holding stuff in can become detrimental to your health. Hypertension and heart conditions have been known to be linked to stress and not just your diet. Everyone should practice just letting it out every now and then. More black men would probably be a little healthier if the just vented sometimes. Just talk to someone. They don’t have to have a medical degree. Just somebody.

My husband had a friend that passed away from a heart attack. He was around 40. His wife said he was very active, ate right, exercised but he get stuff bottled up. It probably was the cause of his death.

kimmie

March 24th, 2009
11:01 am

Staceye – I think there have been a few times when I’ve had that “Stay Away” look too!!LOL!!