Georgia plays top-ranked LSU on Saturday. Were the radio man Larry Munson, who died Nov. 20 at age 89, around to call the game, it might sound a bit like this:
Munson: “Get the picture: We’re wearing red jerseys and silver britches, going left to right on your radio dial. And we have NO CHANCE. They’ve got 12 guys who make Big Jonathan Jenkins look like Tom Thumb. And such SPEED. Even Vandy didn’t have speed like this …
“We kick off to them. Their guy runs right through 10 of our guys — look at that speed! — and gets all the way out to their 25. We have NO CHANCE. But Jarvis Jones breaks through and knocks the quarterback down! They have to punt! Whaddaya know about that? …
“Crowell in the ‘I’ and we give it to him and he goes five, TEN, FIFTEEN yards! He ran right through those monsters! Looked like that professor in ‘Jurassic Park’! And now Murray fakes it and throws it and … we catch it! Over their heads! MALCOLM MITCHELL! Touchdown! It’s a TOUCHDOWN! It’s a miracle! A miracle on … whaddaya call this street thingy outside the Dome? Northside? It’s a Miracle on NORTHSIDE DRIVE! Old Saint Nick just dropped through this roof and smacked LSU with a gunnysack full of coal, and Les Miles is standing there with a nose as red as Rudolph’s!
“I gotta calm down before I destroy some Dome property. Loran, whaddaya got?”
Loran Smith: “Larrah, the lovely Julie Moran sent me a note telling me she’d be watching from Hollywood and rooting for her Dogs … ”
Munson (interrupting): “We kick it off and their man has it. He runs through 15 of our guys and he’s gonna score and there goes our lead. He ran that kickoff back TWO HUNDRED YARDS.Have you seen SUCH SPEED? We have NO CHANCE.”
(We move to further action, as they used to do on Notre Dame replays.)
Munson: “Second quarter, tie game, and LSU’s acting like she wants to score. And we can’t stop anybody. We are so puny and so slow! How’d we ever get in this game, anyway? But now Jarvis Jones knocks down their quarterback again — four sacks for him, Hondo Williamson tells me — and they have to kick a field goal. And we’re down 10-7 and we’ve got NO CHANCE.”
(We skip ahead to the fourth quarter.)
Munson: Getting very, very late now, and we need a miracle. We need Lindsay and Herschel and Appleby all baked in one big APPLE PIE! They’re up three and they’re about to put us away and … JARVIS JONES knocks down the quarterback AGAIN! Six sacks for him! And they have to punt to us! Whaddaya think, Scott? Do we have a chance?
Scott Howard: “We might, Larry.”
Munson (snorting): “You young guys ALWAYS think there’s a chance. We don’t have enough TIME. But looky here! We give it to little Thomas and he knocks people backwards, and now Murray throws a screen to the tight end and … Orson Charles! ORSON CHARLES!!! RUN, ORSON!!! … And it’s a touchdown! IT’S A TOUCHDOWN!!! … We throw a two-inch bomb and he takes it TWO THOUSAND YARDS! We just took a 2X4 and smacked Mike The Tiger right in his striped backside!!!
“But there’s TOO MUCH TIME. We can’t stop them again. We’ve got no SIZE, no SPEED. We shopped at the dime store and they went to Rich’s. And our guys are SO TIRED …
“BUT it’s fourth down! FOURTH DOWN with 61 seconds left! I might be asking too much, but: Guys, just ONE MORE TIME! HUNKER DOWN! HUNKER DOWN!!! And they snap it and … MY GOD! JARVIS JONES! JARVIS JONES!!! He got him AGAIN! It’s OUR BALL! All four legs just fell off my chair! And we’re in the victory formation and we’re under 10 seconds and …
“Sugar is falling out of the sky! NO! It’s little Chick-fil-A cows! On parachutes! They’re COWS DIPPED IN SUGAR! LOOK AT THOSE SUGAR-DIPPED COWS FALLING OUT OF THE SKY!!! …
“We had NO CHANCE! But we had Old Lady Luck! And Old Lady Luck just slapped Les Miles in the face with that APPLE PIE! And that pie had a ANVIL in it! We broke their NOSE! We broke their HEART! I broke my CHAIR! I spilled my COKE!
“We’re going to the SUGAR BOWL! Beignets and crawfish etouffee for New Year’s! We’re gonna paint Tchoupitoulas Street red and black! Who’ll we play there, Scott?
“Houston, huh? Have you SEEN Houston’s quarterback? And all that SPEED? We’ll have NO CHANCE.”
By Mark Bradley