Just call Auburn coach Gene Chizik the chairman of the bored

"Anybody here heard any good Nick Saban jokes lately?" (AP photo)

"OK, show of hands. Who here has heard any good Nick Saban jokes?" (AP photo)

Hoover, Ala. – Know what one coat of paint says to the other when both are drying? “Oh, this isn’t so bad. We could be listening to Gene Chizik.”

I know, I know. Chizik’s job is to coach football at Auburn, and he’s obviously pretty good at it, having won the BCS title and all. He isn’t paid to entertain us media folks. And that’s a good thing. Because Gene Chizik is to entertainment as Jim Belushi is to method acting.

I’ve been — irony alert! — privileged to sit through a few G-Chiz briefings, and they aren’t just dull. They’re oppressively dull. They’re dullness deployed as a weapon of mass tedium. I can understand if a guy has nothing to say; what I can’t abide is if a guy acts as if he has a lot of things he might say but chooses to share none of them.

In my view, that’s not just being dull. That’s being dull and smug. (”Smull,” to coin a lousy word.)

I mention this because Chiz the Whiz had his moment before the huddled media masses here today, and he made it as uninformative as is humanly possible. (Truth to tell, that’s my secret theory: That Chizik isn’t human but a robot created by Bill Belichick and Bill Gates. And I know Bill Gates’ field is software and not robotics, but I couldn’t think of any other famous geek named Bill.)

On Wednesday, someone had asked the South Carolina coach why he continues to give quarterback Stephen Garcia second (and third, and fourth) chances. Being all too human, Steve Spurrier said: “I guess we don’t want to kick him out for stupidity.”

Good line. Hearty laughter. Entertainment value: 10 on a scale of 10.

Chizik acts as if he has never had a set-up line. When someone seeks to broach a difficult subject, the Chizzer runs it through the mental Chiz shredder and leaves the query in tatters.

Regarding Auburn, the “difficult subject” is always the NCAA. Asked about the New York Times report that he’d been dressed down by NCAA enforcement director Julie Roe Lach at the SEC coaches’ meeting in Destin, Fla., he backed and filled and offered, “To be honest with you, it was very informative.”

Also: “I didn’t see that it was at all an angry or agitating exchange from my point of view. It was a clarification of process.”

The Times reported that Roe Lach told Chizik, speaking of the investigation into Cam Newton’s recruitment: “You’ll know when we’re finished. And we’re not finished.”

If there was anything even slightly amusing in Chizik’s numbing half-hour at the podium, it was his (perhaps unintentional) homage to Roe Lach. Asked about reports that the NCAA had turned down Florida transfer Mike Blakely’s request to be eligible immediately at Auburn, Chizik said: “The process is still ongoing. I’ll let everybody know when it’s not.”

Then someone noted that the oddsmaker Danny Sheridan had said on a Birmingham radio station his “sources” tell him the NCAA has found “a third-party bagman” that can tie Cam Newton to Auburn.

Chizik’s response: “I’ll make this real clear. The NCAA on more than one occasion has said that Auburn has done nothing wrong in the recruitment of Can Newton. Nothing’s changed. Again, can’t control everybody’s microphone. Can’t control everybody’s opinion. Don’t try to. But again, I’ll say it as I’ve said it for maybe the fifth time today: I feel really good when my head hits the pillow.”

And here the thought occurred: If there’s something about which Gene Chizik might be an intriguing conversationalist, it would have to be pillows. Listening to him could put anyone to …

Whoops, sorry. Nodded off there. What was I saying? Something about process? Waiter, another pitcher of Red Bull!

By Mark Bradley

204 comments Add your comment

j

July 21st, 2011
4:15 pm

Mark Bradley

July 21st, 2011
4:17 pm

Kudos to you, j.

railman311

July 21st, 2011
4:18 pm

Uuugghh...

July 21st, 2011
4:21 pm

Chizick is horrible. It is one thing to be a liar…but boring too!? That is a double whammy!

Can’t wait until the NCAA finishes with these clowns.

$CAM

July 21st, 2011
4:21 pm

WAR DAMN CHEATERS!!!

beone

July 21st, 2011
4:21 pm

I personally find all of college football and the drama that surrounds it as boring as Chizik.

j

July 21st, 2011
4:25 pm

And I actually read the whole article before posting first

Mark (another one)

July 21st, 2011
4:26 pm

If it turns out Cam did accept money to attend Auburn, I would bet it didn’t involve Chizik. He is unlikeable and boring but he doesn’t come across as dishonest.

The real question is would Auburn have a chance to sue Newton for violation of his agreement with the University? Until the cheating players and coaches are hit in the pocket book, this kind of behavior will continue. Break a law, go to jail. Breach a contract, see a judge.

Chi Town

July 21st, 2011
4:28 pm

F, the Barn.

Respect Saban, Bradley. Dont look him directly in the eye tomorrow.

Okefenokee Dawg

July 21st, 2011
4:28 pm

Now that’s funny … I don’t care who you are … unless , of course, you’re Chiz.

MatthewH

July 21st, 2011
4:29 pm

Wait, you’ve already had the Spurrier press conference at SEC media days and you didn’t write about that?!? That’s the one I want to hear-the ol’ ball coach never fails to disappoint with his absurd comments.

Mark Bradley

July 21st, 2011
4:29 pm

Never read the article, j. Take a tip from the guy who wrote it.

Old Boy

July 21st, 2011
4:29 pm

Very humorous. Thanks.

[...] Atlanta Journal Constitution (blog) [...]

UGA Insider

July 21st, 2011
4:33 pm

Coach Chiz was hired because he is a puppet for people like Bobby Lowder. It’s a control thing at Auburn. Why do you think Riverboat Gamler was fired? Because he became to big and too much of a voice. That’s why Bowden was shown the door. The Auburn hierarchy has to have a yes sir type coach and Coach Chiz is perfect. He is boring and a great liar. However, he messed up by pressing those NCAA folks and is in major trouble. When they set their meat hooks into you it’s hard to get them out. Auburn has really big problems. This is the one that is really going to give the SEC a black eye.

beanster

July 21st, 2011
4:33 pm

Didn’t think it was possible but Chizik’s haircut is even goofier looking than CMR’s.

Southside Dawg

July 21st, 2011
4:36 pm

2010 Champs!

July 21st, 2011
4:39 pm

Very happy to have Chizik as the head coach at AU. Hard working Family man who has assembled a great staff and continues to recruit very well. Keep up the great work coach and War Eagle!

slydog

July 21st, 2011
4:40 pm

@mark (another one) please stick to the subject at hand. this has nothing to do with cam newton. if anyone needs to go to jail, then arrest all of them: Coaches, commisioners, presidents, staff members of the NCAA, and former players. There is way more corruption, bagmen, kickbacks, and secret dealings with agents than what is shared by the media. the only thing Cecil newton did wrong was not sign a contract with Auburn or Miss. St. apparently, that is legal. it worked at nebraska and other schools whose father received a contract from the school or got a job. as long as a crooks pays his dues, they will never be told on. 8 months later and people still whining about $180,000? How much money did Cam Newton make every team he played in the SEC, to include the conference? NUFF SAID!!!

Lowcountry Bulldawg

July 21st, 2011
4:41 pm

Gus Malzahn is the hidden genius at Auburn. It is his offense that Cam Newton excelled at. Ole Gene had zip to do with that. He was a defensive guy. Wait tille Gus leaves and see where Auburn goes it will not be pretty. What was Gene’s record at Iowa State, 5-19. That will be about it once Gus takes a headcoaching gig after this year.

S

July 21st, 2011
4:42 pm

UGA Insider, just curious, what are these “really big problems” Auburn has. So far all that’s come out are allegations and “reports” of wrongdoing. None from credible sources I might add.

Beast from the East

July 21st, 2011
4:43 pm

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thuga

July 21st, 2011
4:45 pm

Jesus himself could be the head coach at AU and thuga fans would hate him. Keep up the great work coach Chizik. Great win against thuga, aka, chop block U…

waterstim

July 21st, 2011
4:46 pm

Bradley, that’s about the funniest thing you’ve ever written. Seriously!

Old School

July 21st, 2011
4:50 pm

Mark:

Enough of the mundane, please, give us some off the record or behind the scenes happenings (e.g. Spurrier humbling Kiffin in the hallway last year)

Old School

July 21st, 2011
4:51 pm

Whoops, year B4 last

AU in Milton

July 21st, 2011
4:52 pm

Yeah, he really is boring, I wish I had a coach as “exciting as Mark Richt…I will take “Chiz Whiz” and his NC..or maybe Mark Bradely likes a coach like Calipari at his school- Kentucky who is flashy etc…BTW haters…NO PLOI from the NCAA after 11 months…We are the NC, get over it….I

Bama In Atlanta

July 21st, 2011
4:53 pm

Too funny. Along the same lines, I remember Bear Bryant would come to the pre-season Media Days and every year talk about how bad Bama was going to be…..”lost a lot of good players”…”we need to learn how to block and tackle”…..”not sure if we have any players who are leaders on this team”.

He did have some down seasons (note to Mark Richt haters) but he said the same lines even when he brought two All-American players with him as reps and Bama was pre-season top 5.

Paddy

July 21st, 2011
4:53 pm

Mark…..very funny read!!!!!!!!!!

AU in Milton

July 21st, 2011
4:54 pm

Low Country dog…Gene did hire Gus, so give him some credit:)….You guys act like Gene Chizik is a horrible coach? The guy went 28-0 as a DC at AU and Texas in 2004 and 2005, oh I’m sure Mark Bradley will say that was because of two “exciting coaches in Tubs and Mack Brown

N-GA

July 21st, 2011
4:55 pm

Good grief Mark….It must be a really, really slow news day for you to tackle this topic. In fact, today’s column is as boring as a Gene Chizik press briefing. Maybe more boring since it’s really the pot calling the kettle black.

Joeyrebel

July 21st, 2011
4:55 pm

Hey, it’s not really Coach Chizik’s fault that the entire NCAA and all it’s “processes” are as corrupt as the Atlanta Public Schools. Top to bottom Stank. The Heismann’s in a race to the sewer too.

81Dawg

July 21st, 2011
4:56 pm

AU in Milton

July 21st, 2011
4:57 pm

UGA “insider” you sound like Bammer Danny Sheridan and your sources…give me a break…and enjoy watching that dumpter fire of a program in Athens….Richard Samuel, your starting RB? hahahahahahahah

beanster

July 21st, 2011
4:59 pm

I am with slydog. UGA fans should pipe down about Cam. Let the Bammers be the crybabies. Even if his Dad got half a mil, that does nothing to take away from what Cam accomplished on the field. The ncaa could strip them of their title and it wouldn’t, in my mind, diminish the teams’ accomplishments last year. They refused to lose and never did. I am just thankful Cam wasn’t at UF when his time came.

gamecockfan

July 21st, 2011
5:01 pm

so this article is about chiz being boring and not about the real NEWS that Sheridan broke? Typical

S

July 21st, 2011
5:02 pm

@81 Dawg, notice in my first post I said CREDIBLE source. I personally wouldn’t consider Sheridan credible. At first he said he had two sources at the NCAA and now its 2 sources that know 2 people at the NCAA. Not too worried about a bammer…

Lowcountry Bulldawg

July 21st, 2011
5:03 pm

Ok he hired the man who is the real genius behind the program. I will give him credit for that. Without Gus, Auburn does not win the NT. That is the guy who could put a offense together that allowed Newton to excel. So I do have a big issue with giving Gene alot of credit. I think Auburn wins the title with Gus as HC also. He is that good of a offensive mind.

auhasbeen

July 21st, 2011
5:03 pm

dirty since I was a little kid back in the 50’s.The ONLY time they have EVER,EVER won ANYTHING in football,Well, you guessed it.They were DIRTY! And if everybody is doing it,AU needs to change the way they cheat cause nobody else in the SEC is getting caught.Or could it be,NO other team in the SEC is cheating?

Dirk Diggler

July 21st, 2011
5:07 pm

Give me boring all day long if he keeps adding the type of talent we’re getting. It’s eating my UGA friends alive what he did in just two seasons.

AUGRAD03

July 21st, 2011
5:08 pm

Couldn’t have been that boring since you devoted 18 paragraphs to this lackluster article. You’d be begging for a coach like Chizik once UGA sticks their fork in Richt.

beanster

July 21st, 2011
5:09 pm

Q: How does Cecil Newton accepting money from a booster change what happened on the playing field last year?

A: It doesn’t. (I am thankful the guy wasn’t at UF)

If the investigation has been “ramped up” because Chizik got mouthy in Destin, I’ve lost even more respect for the NCAA.

Aubie

July 21st, 2011
5:14 pm

War Eagle! Auburn loves Chizik because he does it the right way. Last time I checked, he is not a stand-up comedian or professional speaker. He is a football coach paid to win championships…last time I checked, he just did that last year. You have such a tough job Mark – listening to people talk about sports and then write about it. Sorry it is so boring. Get another gig if you do not like this – no one will care.

auhasbeen

July 21st, 2011
5:19 pm

@beanster,The NCAA could not care less what you or ANY team thinks about them.You WILL do what they say,Just like the rest of us do.See that is where all the freakin’ HATE comes in towards your arrogant au football team and coaches.you think you’re above the rules. And AUGRAD03,I tell you how it changes things,Cam should have never played a down! HE WAS NOT ELIGIBLE at Auburn,Miss St or ANY School.You people that keep saying it’s a Miss St problem are a JOKE! It was a Cam Newton problem! As in,NOT ELIGIBLE!

German Shepherd Dawg

July 21st, 2011
5:22 pm

Robots need operating systems just like any other computer, but you are right to believe Microsoft wouldn’t develop them..

Mike

July 21st, 2011
5:23 pm

I’ve gotten a kick out of the Danny Sheridan comments. If Danny Sheridan, a Vegas oddsmaker, is getting leaked information via directly the NCAA, I would think an exposed relationship between the NCAA and Vegas might make for an interesting story.

Tech Engineer

July 21st, 2011
5:25 pm

I think your article was insulting to the Coach. If you had been raised in the South, you have been taught better.

mr. D

July 21st, 2011
5:30 pm

laugh and make fun all you want. predict gloom and doom. all Chizik is is a winner. 3 seasons undefeated when he is involved in the coaching. 10 WINS THIS YEAR AT LEAST…WAR EAGLE

Paul N Destin

July 21st, 2011
5:33 pm

The NCAA didn’t change the status of the Auburn investigation due to Gene. The NCAA has some much to did into at Auburn that it will take time. If you think Lowder and his bunch aren’t good at what they do then shame on you. This group has been at it since the early 80’s when the old drunk was hired. Tommy tried to keep it on the high side but once he left the good ole boys were back in business. No way was Auburn going to allow Nick Saban to just take college football over without a fight. Lowder and his bunch have no fear of probation…none..zip..nada. They understand they must cheat to compete otherwise they’re Kentucky in orange and blue. Auburn is going down but it will take awhile longer. Slam Danny if you wish but the betting line on all Auburn games dropped as much as 5 points in the past 3 weeks due to what Danny mentioned. Vegas don’t blog folks they make money. Gene Cheezewhiz is clean. He is just a puppet for Lowder as well as 90% of the staff.

beanster

July 21st, 2011
5:33 pm

For the record, I am a Dawg fan, graduated in ‘99. I am over the crybaby crap. Every SEC team has “cheated” at some point or another. I believe UGA runs a clean program just as I believe that they are plenty of Auburn fans (my wife being one of them) who are reserved in their gloating about their NC because they fear the rumors are true. The fact of the matter is that there is currently no proof. Without proof, it’s just talk. That said, you will never convince me that what Cam did on the field last year shouldn’t count because his father felt the need to cash in on him before he got to the NFL.

I am no Cam fan and Nick Fairley’s play changed the face of the rivalry in my opinion. I just wish Dawg fans would let Bammers be the whiners.