So who’s the Hawks’ mystery buyer? Why, it could be …
This is a beluga whale. It can't shoot jumpers very well, either. (AJC photo by John Spink)
Respected journalists Ian Thomsen of SI.com and David Aldridge of NBA.com have reported that the Atlanta Hawks are about to be sold to a mystery buyer. Bruce Levenson, one of the Hawks’ many owners, said Thomsen’s initial report was “not true.”
Still, whenever the words “mystery buyer” arise, it’s human nature to try and affix a name and face. Consider me human. Possible buyers for the Hawks could – could, I said — include:
Who: Bernie Marcus. Why him? The Home Depot co-founder and Georgia Aquarium patriarch might be weary of seeing Arthur Blank get all the civic kudos. Possible complication: If Marcus thought beluga whales could be intransigent creatures, wait until he tries to get Josh Smith to stop hoisting jump shots.
Who: Mike Woodson. Why him? He used to coach the Hawks but always claimed, due to outside business interests, he didn’t need the money. Possible complication: First move would be to fire Larry Drew, his former assistant who was promoted to head coach on the dubious-but-apparently-compelling argument that Mean Old Woody never listened to his clever ideas.
Who: David McDavid. Why him? The Texas car dealer tried to buy the Hawks (and the Thrashers, and Philips Arena) way back when, only to see the Atlanta Spirit cut in front. Possible complication: McDavid won $281 million in a lawsuit against Time Warner and has never had to sit through a losing game. At last check, the man is not nuts.
"It's a good look, don't you think?" (AJC file photo)
Who: Jane Fonda. Why her? Her ex-husband used to own the team. Possible complication: First move would be to change the team’s uniforms to incorporate leotards and leg warmers.
Who: Steve Belkin. Why him? He used to own part of the Hawks (and the Thrashers, et cetera) before his Spirit brethren bought him. Possible complication: First move would be to dump Joe Johnson, his rationale being, “I told you he wasn’t worth that much.”
Who: Joe Johnson. Why him? Owing to his $123 million contract, he’s rich enough to own a team. Possible complication: First move would be to carry the Iso-Joe offense to its logical extreme, meaning he’d fire all the coaches and all the other players and let the player-owner take every shot.
Who: Billy Knight. Why him? The former Hawks general manager has had three years to plot his next move. Possible complication: Next move would be to draft more 6-foot-8 wingmen.
Who: Don Leebern. Why him? The powerful Georgia booster might be looking for a new challenge for Suzanne Yoculan, whom he identifies as his fiancee. Possible complication: Irresistible Force, meet Immovable Object. Could even the decorated gymnastics coach manage to keep Marvin Williams from falling down so often?
Rashan Michel, post-'Nique.
Who: Dominique Wilkins. Why him? He’s the greatest player in Atlanta Hawks history and has always longed for a bigger role. Possible complication: Should the Hawks lose, under no circumstances should a Philips Arena patron approach Wilkins afterward and ask for a refund. The last such postgame monetary solicitation ended badly for the solicitor.
Who: Gary Bettman. Why him? The NHL commissioner made his reputation as David Stern’s NBA aide-de-camp. Possible complication: Disgruntled Thrashers fans would form a human chain around Philips Arena before every Hawks game, preventing entry to all who would subsidize a venture of Benedict Bettman’s.
Who: Justin Bieber. Why him? His mentor Usher owns a part of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Possible complication: First move would be to order Zaza Pachulia to adopt the Bieb-style bowl haircut. Zaza’s first response would be to head-butt his new owner.
Who: Bruce Levenson. Why him? Could there be a more mysterious buyer than the part-owner who claimed there was no mystery buyer? Possible complication: With the pesky Gearons out of the way, the path might seem clear for Levenson’s plans for world domination. But let’s see if the Hawks can reach the Eastern Conference finals first.
By Mark Bradley
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135 comments Add your comment
TheAntiMe
June 29th, 2011
3:31 pm
You folks need to give Mr. Bradley a break. He’s trying to keep things going for a woefully understaffed Sports Department for a seriously cheapo Atlanta Journal-Constitution. Covers dixie like the dew? Covers more like a band-aid on Lindsay Lohan’s apparatus. (Not you, Mark, I’m referring to your cheapskate employers.)
Just SHOOT Me
June 29th, 2011
3:39 pm
Reports in the Cherokee Tribune suggest a billionaire by the name of Barry Lavine is buying the team.
my guess would be uga
June 29th, 2011
3:53 pm
they have been buying athletes since before Herschel and vince ‘ i never saw an ncaa rule i wouldnt break’ dooley.
they have the reknowed bagman on their payroll. they have been buying athletes for years. the columbus-carver fiasco is getting ready to blossom into a full blown death penalty scandal. uga will only wish that their problems were about 4 tattoos.
they could buy the hawks and funnel those profits to their aa in order to buy even more sa’s *sic and maybe beat uf in the process.
‘
Dominique Wilkins
June 29th, 2011
4:11 pm
Your articles are normally informative, but this one was a heat check.
No wonder ajc.com’s reader nimbers are down.
jack wagon from mamby pamby land
June 29th, 2011
4:30 pm
Mike (not Michael)
June 29th, 2011
12:01 pm
Lame. A high schooler could have wrote that piece.
And a grammer schooler could have written that sentence!
Bob
June 29th, 2011
4:53 pm
Mark, I thought your article was pretty funny…thanks! With Levenson and the ASG as owners, dosen’t the NBA do due diligence on perspective owners?
Reggie
June 29th, 2011
5:40 pm
Dominique Wilkins
June 29th, 2011
4:11 pm
Your articles are normally informative, but this one was a heat check.
No wonder ajc.com’s reader nimbers are down. That was actually funny, the article itself was pure garbage…i stopped reading after the first few words.
scottbravesfan
June 29th, 2011
6:41 pm
I thought the Hawks moved to Winnipeg?
Anyway Mark Bradley, how about put some pressure on Fredi Gonzalez on his overuse of Jonny Venters? Putting Venters into a game with a 4 run lead is laughable. Is Gonzalez trying to destroy Venters arm?
Watching You
June 29th, 2011
7:10 pm
Mark,
What are you trying to do now, audition for a Jerry Springer type of Hawks beat-writer? Frankly, I’m not amused at your attempt of becoming a comedian at the Hawks expense. Bloggers can get away with this style of writing but as AJC writer, I expected a higher standard. There are so many negative stereotype castings in this article I won’t bother to explain. Would you cover the Falcons or the Braves in this manner, as a big joke? Your constant jabs at the Hawks and undercover bias has not gone unnoticed especially since the Hawks playoff appearances have outperformed both the Braves and the Falcons over the last 3 years. Yes these Hawks needs to improve more to continue reaching championship status but they shouldn’t be given the “Rodney Dangerfield treatment”. At least show some respect. If I were anyone of the persons you singled out in this article, I would be offended and wouldn’t give you the time of day if you ever requested an interview. Your demagoguery tone epitomizes the negative perception of Atlanta as a terrible sports town to outsiders. They read your negative articles and conform what they think they know. Outside writers playback the negative imagines you create in their reporting. You then feed on the negative playback and write negative responses blaming the players for the fiasco.
Since this new comedy angle isn’t working for you either, perhaps you should try keeping your day job which is also becoming questionable
Paddy
June 29th, 2011
7:51 pm
I vote for Bruce Lenenson because he always tells the fans the truth. And I can’t wait to when he announces his next”pick your Thrashers seats” day. Those are always fun!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go BRUCE
I cut the cheese Uh Huh Uh Huh
June 29th, 2011
8:19 pm
Enter your comments here
Matt the Brave
June 29th, 2011
8:54 pm
Actually laughed at a good bit of this. As for your last point, aside the humor, I think that you may have struck on something. What if Levinson is the mystery buyer? Also, does the open records act apply to any sort of records regarding people involved in buying a team? Might be worth a shot to call up the NBA and ask for a record about the soon-to-be-buyers.
dawg4u
June 29th, 2011
8:55 pm
Mark I enjoyed that column. Just spent some time in Philly believe it or not with an old military family friend and wife. The Philly blogs are unbelievable in that they are very critical of the team in many ways and sports columnists in particular. That would seem normal in any other city except the Phil’s are on pace to win 100 games plus Lee throwing his third straight shutout last night which I had the privilege to watch. Those fans in Philly are definitely passionate but not as negative as I was led to believe. I was surprised that you gave Fredi an A – grade when I got up here but hey he seems to have the pulse of this team in hand and is doing a pretty good job. I would like to see THE TED buy this team again but doubt that would ever happen. Lightning can’t strike twice in the same town right?
We were bamboozled.....
June 29th, 2011
8:56 pm
Maybe whoever this “mystery buyer” can also get us another NHL team, especially since the NHL is still looking for a buyer for the Phoenix Coyotes (The NHL should have gotten their own house in order before allowing any teams to be sold AND relocated.), and the City Of Glendale probably won’t continue to help subsidize the Coyotes’ losses past this upcoming season.
Personally, I really hope that the NBA Lockout ends up like the 2004-05 NHL Lockout and kills the entire 2011-2012 season, as I hope it puts Atlanta Spirit into bankruptcy. Have fun filling those dates the Thrashers would have been playing at home since artists now seem to prefer other venues.
P. Bull Terrier
June 29th, 2011
10:56 pm
If Bruce Levenson says the rumors of a sale are “not true”, I believe him. When has a member of ASG ever lied to us?
Speaking of the Thrashers…
If there were enough Thrashers fans to form a human chain around Philips Arena, they might still be playing their home games there next season.
superiorblogman
June 29th, 2011
11:18 pm
Tyler Perry likes attention and knows the entertainment market.
HawkKingBibby
June 30th, 2011
12:25 am
Mark its pretty eye opening to think that Joe Johnson is basically owed half what the team can sell for.
Jeff
June 30th, 2011
1:33 am
Who? Ted Turner
Why him? He owned the team before and it flourished
Possible complication? It makes too much sense and maybe Ted is tired of the politics of pro sports
Who? Jerry Jones
Why him? He loves the spotlight, loves to win, loves for his team to be relevant. Plus, Mark Cuban already owns the current basketball team in Dallas.
Possible complication? His head would not fit in Philips Arena
Who? Isaiah Thomas
Why him? He thinks he knows everything about basketball… he’s been a player, coach, and GM… why not owner?
Possible complication? He’s a complete Froot Loop in the head
Who? Kasim Reed
Why him? He let one pro team leave Atlanta without a care… maybe he’ll work to actually keep one
Possible complication? How much money can the mayor of Atlanta really make?
Who? The Glazer family
Why them? They seem to like to own things just to own them — Tampa Bay Bucs, English soccer teams, etc.
Possible complication? They have the ownership intelligence of potatoes
Who? Anybody but the Atlanta Spirit
Why? Because ASG is the devil, they already effed over the fans of Atlanta with the Thrashers, and we WON’T let them do that to us again
Possible complication? The law tends to frown upon public executions, which Atlanta’s fans would certainly have once we bought the team and rounded up the ASG guys into Philips Arena before a game against the Clippers… the firing squad at halftime would elicit the loudest cheers of the night!
ASG guys, please sell the team to a real owner, ANYBODY but you, and get the hel out of Atlanta. You’ve ruined our pro sports teams for long enough… go move to a desert island and drink Mai Tais and leave our teams the hel alone!!!
pistol'd pete
June 30th, 2011
4:19 am
get rid of the hawks too. ahh..now the hoops fans get to deal with what we thrasher fans dealt with. trust me, it’s a lot of fun.
NagoyaHawk
June 30th, 2011
4:51 am
Reading the headline & then seeing the picture of the beluga whale, I thought maybe the whale was buying the Hawks. Aren’t they worth more than the GDP of several, smaller European countries?
Anyway, I had a dream the Hawks traded Josh Smith. Then I woke up and thought it was a nightmare. I’m still on the fence about it all.
I just hope they sell the Hawks. What a sorry excuse for “owner” these guys. Really how too much money can make you look stupid. Never should have bought “our” teams. Thank God they are going away.
The Morning After: June 30, 2011 | The Victory Formation
June 30th, 2011
7:01 am
[...] A humorous look at some potential future owners of the Atlanta Hawks. (AJC) [...]
sports fan
June 30th, 2011
7:15 am
you always rip on gearon and levenson, but the truth is they bought a team that had won 13 games the previous year and have built it into a perennial playoff team with more consistent improvement than any team in the league. And the Hawks are by far the most successful sports team in town over that period. I know who the new owner/investor is (if a deal gets done-not a certainty), and you don’t know anything about him, but my guess is you will rip on him, too. too bad.
Jimmy Crack
June 30th, 2011
8:22 am
The only person on the list that would genuinely care about the team is Dominique. Mostly these folks just have money. An alternative would be for Joe Johnson to buy the team and cut himself.
BjohnDawg
June 30th, 2011
8:28 am
The mystery buyer has been identified. Its the City of Atlanta. Since they are broke on their own, they will move some water improvement money, lay off a few more employees and get some stimulus from the federal government to put the financing together.
GoldJacket
June 30th, 2011
9:16 am
Mr.Bradley, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Big Mike
June 30th, 2011
9:20 am
Do they pay you not to think.
Craig
June 30th, 2011
9:25 am
Anyone but Hanoi Jane.
Brendan
June 30th, 2011
10:40 am
Well, I liked the article. I laughed quite a few times. I’d love to see Woodson own this team. After all, he was once quoted as saying, “Records are records. I’m not concerned about our record. We can’t control our record.” That’s just the kind of owner the Thrashers had. Why not let another incompetent run the franchise into the NBA graveyard, then export it to Canada, under NAFTA? Didn’t the Grizzlies once play in Vancouver? Heck, I’d give Vancouver another shot. If for nothing else, they might riot and loot after every loss.
Brendan
June 30th, 2011
10:44 am
C’mon, Folks. Lighten up on Mark Bradley. Obviously, nothing’s happening on this front. And rather than post an article that says, “nothing’s happening. Still in limbo,” we get some humor. People, learn to laugh a little bit. Doctors say that laughing a couple of times each day … actually helps you live longer.
I just hope the Hawks get someone who will CARE for them, and treat the franchise with the due diligence it requires to be viable in the NBA. As opposed to the feckless way the Thrashers were run. I sincerely hope Don Waddell is enjoying his northside mansion home … after all … he managed to squander nine (9) Top 10 overall draft picks while failing to win a playoff game, over the course of a decade. Good thing we didn’t have some “random poster on a blog” running the Thrashers, or we’d have had results … ummn … pretty much the same way!
Nick
June 30th, 2011
11:54 am
Ted Turner
462 JC Camp Student Center
June 30th, 2011
12:38 pm
Dumb column. Waste of my time to read it.
Bad News
June 30th, 2011
2:47 pm
Mark Cuban can you please buy the Braves and bring back the championship teams we were used to.
Ashli
June 30th, 2011
3:59 pm
Lighten up everyone…this is true and funny stuff.
I was especially tickled by the Josh Smith jump shot and Zaza head butting jokes.
THIS TEAM IS A DISASTER! Run Teague and Horford while you still have a chance.
Kevin
June 30th, 2011
8:33 pm
No NBA this year The Players would not be smart so the Lockup starts….Oh some where kids are laughin dogs are barkin But Mighty ASG aka Hawks owners have struck out……Oh please if u show up for the atlanta Nightmares Um Dream where all atlanta thrashers uniforms there n if Hawks ever n NBA get together lets show ASG owners the three stooges of atlanta see Us wear Thrashers uniforms instead Hawks jersey…really Boo Mike Geron Bruce Levinson’s and Belkin so bad there Openin night…I bet if anyone did the ushers n would remove them from there…Say No and say Change u can really take a dump at!
Kevin
June 30th, 2011
8:36 pm
Oh Hawks are on strike ASG is sufferin we hope u now enjoy 84 open dates at Philips arena..and no one shows up either well morons will support the atlanta Nightmares er Dream with7,300 a night..sleepin to maybe Mayor reed will throw out the first hooker too!