A robotic Uga as programmed by mad scientists at Tech

Deep within the catacombs of the Arthur B. Edge Center on the campus of the Georgia Institute of Technology, a team of scientists works feverishly on an endeavor  so secret its code name — Operation ‘Droid Dawg– cannot be breathed under pain of banishment from the breakfast table at the Silver Skillet diner. It has taken decades for the project to reach this critical stage, and there were times when its originator believed it would never move beyond the blackboard.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” says the scientist in question, Prof. George P. Burdell, “we are but months from sweet fruition. We have the financing. We have the political leverage. What we need now are the devious touches that will make our animatronic bulldog the most effective faux animal weapon since the Trojan horse.”

“What if,” offers Simon Bar Sinister, doctor of robotics, “we program it to do everything a normal mascot would do, right up until the point he runs on the field and sees Lane Kiffin. And then, via remote control, we command him to turn that sweater inside out so he’s wearing not red but orange.”

“Good one, Bar Sinister,” Burdell says. “Anything else?”

“Here’s something.” This from Dr. Jack Stapleton, long the go-to guy when it comes to training dogs for nefarious purposes. (Google his name.)  “We make it so our creation charges out of the tunnel in Jacksonville, and when he reaches midfield he stops, raises up on his hind legs and does the Gator Chomp with his front paws.”

Burdell nods. “I especially like that,” he says. “But we need something truly devious for the game two days after Thanksgiving.”

“I believe I have it,” says Velma Dinkley, a veterinarian who drives a peculiar flowered van. “Our side leads by four points. Aaron Murray throws long. A.J. Green catches the ball and breaks away for what seems the winning score. And my associate Shaggy whispers in Uga 8.0’s ear, ‘Go get him.’ Our creation dashes onto the turf and drags down Green at the 2-yard-line as time expires. Georgia Tech wins. We are triumphant.”

“Splendid, Dr. Dinkley,” Burdell says. “Simply splendid. And with that, we’re ready for the prototyping. Any questions?”

“Just one,” Bar Sinister pipes up. “Tell me again how we got PETA to propose this notion of having a robot mascot to the folks at UGA in the first place.”

Burdell: “I just thought of the stupidest thing I could imagine, and PETA said, ‘That’s a great idea.’ And their shrill lobbyists went to work, and finally Michael Adams said to Damon Evans, ‘Do whatever it takes, but make these loons go away.’

“And now we’re adjourned. Chili dogs — let PETA protest that! – at The Varsity on me!”

429 comments Add your comment

TechAE 2011

November 24th, 2009
4:02 pm

MattyB

November 24th, 2009
4:04 pm

Alright! Who squealed?

President Obama

November 24th, 2009
4:04 pm

Where my teleprompter AT ??

Curious George

November 24th, 2009
4:07 pm

As UGA has already now done, will “Freddie Falcon” also take the easy way out by guzzling a gallon of anti-freeze just to not have to watch the rest of his team’s miserable 2009 season?

he was a good dawg

November 24th, 2009
4:07 pm

We should also switch to robotic football players. People are animals too

buzz29

November 24th, 2009
4:09 pm

Seventh! Almost in the money.

George P. Burdell

November 24th, 2009
4:10 pm

I think Tech and Georgia fans can pretty well agree that PETA has no business suggesting Uga be replaced. Makes me want to go out and have a big steak dinner to honor Buzz, Uga, and the continuation on Saturday of the rivalry.

Chokie Chokerton

November 24th, 2009
4:11 pm

[Here’s something. This from Dr. Jack Stapleton, long the go-to guy when it comes to training dogs for nefarious purposes.]

When did he displace Mike Vick training dogs for nefarious purposes?

Just askin’

HUH

November 24th, 2009
4:12 pm

“Two weeks after Thanksgiving”…should be “Two Days”…correct?

GT David

November 24th, 2009
4:17 pm

Too funny. PETA makes me delight in fishing, hunting, wearing fur (though never dog) and eating meat. Rejoice, George P. The rivalry lives. THWG

GT-EE-'93

November 24th, 2009
4:19 pm

Mark,

You’ve either lost your mind, or started the holiday juice early.

Talk about “Barking Madly”.

Worm

November 24th, 2009
4:19 pm

Actually, MB a Dawg grad “invented” Buzz..Mike Lester

Pi$$onaDawg

November 24th, 2009
4:21 pm

UGA VIII will be All DAWG and and English White Bulldog. As it should be. This Tech fan would have no other way.

Mark Bradley

November 24th, 2009
4:23 pm

I did not know that, Worm.

AndyC

November 24th, 2009
4:23 pm

Tech and UGA fans agree on something?!? Blasphemy! The end times are here!

El Hater

November 24th, 2009
4:24 pm

I wish ALPO was made from 100% PETA Members.

Pi$$onaDawg

November 24th, 2009
4:24 pm

UGA VII will be ALL DAWG. He will be an English all White Bulldog. This is as it should be, and this Tech fan would have it no other way. If i urinated on a robot dawg I mught get shocked like urinating through an electric fence. Not good for me or the Robo Dawg

Pi$$onaDawg

November 24th, 2009
4:26 pm

Sorry for the double post I thought it got lost the first time.

Gen Neyland

November 24th, 2009
4:32 pm

Did I fall down a rabbit hole and land in a sports version of Dragon*Con..? Musta been the mushrooms I had at lunch from the diner on 10th ST.

Jimmy

November 24th, 2009
4:32 pm

Georgia’s players should be replaced with robots. The robots would be smarter for sure (and definitely have drivers licenses). The robots could be trained to not commit so many penalties, play legit defense, not fumble inside the 5 yard line, etc.

Ph.D. of Pigskinology

November 24th, 2009
4:33 pm

The University should refer the PETA clowns to Hootie Johnson over at Augusta National Golf Club…he could explain the facts of life to them…ask the ladies from NOW!

"Chef" Tim Dix

November 24th, 2009
4:37 pm

PETA is so irrelevant in a civilized society.

Ph.D. of Pigskinology

November 24th, 2009
4:38 pm

Message to the PETA political correctness loons…

You can have everything else, but leave the sports mascots alone…didn’t you guys learn anything from the Native American people and their drive to get rid of the Redskins, Braves, Indians, Seminoles, etc.?

45ACP

November 24th, 2009
4:40 pm

I’m jealous. I need to invent an organization and have people from around the world donate thousands and thousands of dollars to the cause.
Come on folks, a little help here.

"Chef" Tim Dix

November 24th, 2009
4:43 pm

BTW PETA, please tell the “Chef” the ethical way I should use to “expire” the turkey I’ll be preparing on Thursday.

Damon

November 24th, 2009
4:44 pm

What’s the point of this blog?

wrong team

November 24th, 2009
4:47 pm

I think PETA needs to take a looks at the USC roosters. (blog won take the gamec____) It is fine to have birds and animals as your team mascot but not when it promotes illegal rooster fighting until one of them drops dead. You have heard of the curse of the chicken well this is why.

Kim Z's Package

November 24th, 2009
4:49 pm

45ACP lets do an organigation for “NO SPANDEX for FAT CHICKS” I know we can make some money on that. We also need to do an organization “Chubby Chasers”. We will have it all covered.

Lakeisha Twanisha

November 24th, 2009
4:50 pm

A Gator can live 50 years or more so I think UGA should get one of those. Brantley to Omarius Hines…………………..Touchdown.

reebok

November 24th, 2009
4:51 pm

…still, if you could arm the mechanical dog with a laser to vaporize the war eagle…hmmm…

Nick Papagorgio

November 24th, 2009
4:51 pm

Is anyone hoping PETA will read these rants? In a sports blog?
Not likely. Kudos for the article though, slow day?

U-no

November 24th, 2009
4:53 pm

I am a staunch GT fan, but this whole idea of a robot Pup is absolutely ridiculous! Replacing the dog with a human as a costumed mascot is stupid as well. PETA is one of the most obnoxious, irritating, and left-wing nutcase extreme groups on the planet. UGA VII was one well taken care of pup, other dogs should have it so good. This whole idea is absurd, assinine, and pointless.

Now, where is that steak sauce, I smell those T-bones cooking!

Pi$$onaDawg

November 24th, 2009
4:53 pm

45ACP we can start an organization “No Spandex for Fat Chicks”. We can then start “Chubby Chasers”. We will cover bothsides. We will be RICH RICH RICH.

dd

November 24th, 2009
4:54 pm

Yes, slow day?

go tech

November 24th, 2009
4:55 pm

Dear Mark,

Thank you for checking in.

Signed,
The Room with Padded Walls

Ph.D. of Pigskinology

November 24th, 2009
4:55 pm

Feed the PETA spokesperson to the Florida Gator…

Pi$$onaDawg

November 24th, 2009
4:55 pm

Try a PARROT they live for 50-70 years. I will tell you can BITE hard too. You can play margirettaville and sevre shots to fans on the way into the stadiud. The Dawg Fans will buy into that for sure.

TML

November 24th, 2009
4:56 pm

People Eating Tasty Animals must love tweaking the media, else they wouldn’t put out the stupid stuff that they do (and I’m a Jacket through and through). Funny column, MB. Even funnier when we whup the Muttlanders to the point that they wish they had an U[sic]GAbot.

Looking for “the perfect option” for the Tech fan on your Christmas list? StinGTees’ “Toe Meets Leather” is now available at your local The Fan’s Wear store (Cumberland, Peachtree Center, Northlake, & Stoncrest) as well as at http://www.stinGTees.com!

U-no

November 24th, 2009
4:56 pm

This whole idea is assinine! PETA is about as kooky as you can get. They have no business even sticking their vegetarian noses into this deal. UGA VII was one pampered dog… other pups should have had it even half as good as he. No robots, no costumes, only the real deal pup will ever do. And, I’m not even a UGA fan.

Now, where is that steak sauce… I smell those t-bone cooking!

U-no

November 24th, 2009
4:56 pm

This whole idea is assinine! PETA is about as kooky as you can get. They have no business even sticking their vegetarian noses into this deal. UGA VII was one pampered dog… other pups should have had it even half as good as he. No robots, no costumes, only the real deal pup will ever do. And, I’m not even a UGA fan.

Now, where is that steak sauce… I smell those t-bone cooking!

Pi$$onaDawg

November 24th, 2009
4:57 pm

I haven’t even had any JACK and I still cant type. I hope you do understand my last post. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Simon Bar Sinister

November 24th, 2009
4:57 pm

I will rule the world!

Allen

November 24th, 2009
4:57 pm

Maybe a robot should replace the UGA coaching staff so the players can get some technique and discipline.

Simon Bar Sinister

November 24th, 2009
5:02 pm

Enter your comments here

Simon Bar Sinister

November 24th, 2009
5:03 pm

I am Simon Bar Sinister, and I shall rule the world!

Simon Bar Sinister

November 24th, 2009
5:03 pm

stupid internets.

fitzgerald

November 24th, 2009
5:05 pm

45th……..I think.

WHY DO MUTTS BARK?CAUSE BUMBLE BEES STING

November 24th, 2009
5:06 pm

THANK YOU PETA! NOW YOU CAN LEAVE MIKE VICK ALONE AND GO AFTER THE MUTTS,BECAUSE THEIR TEAM JUST KILLED THEIR MASCOT!

WW

November 24th, 2009
5:08 pm

Mark, you were supposed to wait until Christmas to open that?

WW

November 24th, 2009
5:09 pm

Ignor the “?”