A robotic Uga as programmed by mad scientists at Tech

Deep within the catacombs of the Arthur B. Edge Center on the campus of the Georgia Institute of Technology, a team of scientists works feverishly on an endeavor  so secret its code name — Operation ‘Droid Dawg– cannot be breathed under pain of banishment from the breakfast table at the Silver Skillet diner. It has taken decades for the project to reach this critical stage, and there were times when its originator believed it would never move beyond the blackboard.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” says the scientist in question, Prof. George P. Burdell, “we are but months from sweet fruition. We have the financing. We have the political leverage. What we need now are the devious touches that will make our animatronic bulldog the most effective faux animal weapon since the Trojan horse.”

“What if,” offers Simon Bar Sinister, doctor of robotics, “we program it to do everything a normal mascot would do, right up until the point he runs on the field and sees Lane Kiffin. And then, via remote control, we command him to turn that sweater inside out so he’s wearing not red but orange.”

“Good one, Bar Sinister,” Burdell says. “Anything else?”

“Here’s something.” This from Dr. Jack Stapleton, long the go-to guy when it comes to training dogs for nefarious purposes. (Google his name.)  “We make it so our creation charges out of the tunnel in Jacksonville, and when he reaches midfield he stops, raises up on his hind legs and does the Gator Chomp with his front paws.”

Burdell nods. “I especially like that,” he says. “But we need something truly devious for the game two days after Thanksgiving.”

“I believe I have it,” says Velma Dinkley, a veterinarian who drives a peculiar flowered van. “Our side leads by four points. Aaron Murray throws long. A.J. Green catches the ball and breaks away for what seems the winning score. And my associate Shaggy whispers in Uga 8.0’s ear, ‘Go get him.’ Our creation dashes onto the turf and drags down Green at the 2-yard-line as time expires. Georgia Tech wins. We are triumphant.”

“Splendid, Dr. Dinkley,” Burdell says. “Simply splendid. And with that, we’re ready for the prototyping. Any questions?”

“Just one,” Bar Sinister pipes up. “Tell me again how we got PETA to propose this notion of having a robot mascot to the folks at UGA in the first place.”

Burdell: “I just thought of the stupidest thing I could imagine, and PETA said, ‘That’s a great idea.’ And their shrill lobbyists went to work, and finally Michael Adams said to Damon Evans, ‘Do whatever it takes, but make these loons go away.’

“And now we’re adjourned. Chili dogs — let PETA protest that! – at The Varsity on me!”